Crack In The Crack

Plausible deniability can only get you so far, but it really isn't going to get you anywhere when you use it in situations where deniability is not only not plausible, but it's not even conceivable. You know, like when Paris Hilton said that she thought that the cocaine that fell out of her purse (which she claimed was not hers) was gum. Or when Lindsay Lohan said that the cocaine that was found in jeans that she was wearing wasn't hers because they weren't even her pants! Or when someone has crack cocaine shoved up their ass and claims that it's not theirs. Wait. What was that last one? You know...about the crack?

Right. Well, naturally, this takes place in Floriduh. According to the smoky folks over there at The Smoking Gun, a one 25-year old Raymond Roberts was pulled over for speeding. Upon approaching the car, the authorities noticed the strong stench of marijuana and subsequently searched our hero. It was during said search that "...Deputy Sean Cappiello "felt a soft object in the crack of his buttocks," (and) the suspect "began to tense up." Roberts volunteered to remove the item. “Let me get it, hold on” he said, and proceeded to place a "clear plastic baggie with a green leafy substance." Nice of Mr. Roberts to voluntarily remove the substance from his own butt crack for the officer.

But, wait! There's more! The deputy who searched him asked him if that was it. Meaning: Are these all of the drugs that you have hidden in your butt? Of course, Mr. Roberts claimed that was all that was in his butt. But wouldn't you know it? The deputy decided to continue to search Mr. Roberts and reported: "I then searched his shorts again and felt another object that was in the crack of his buttocks. I pulled the object out from the exterior of his shorts and a clear plastic baggie with a white rock substance fell to the ground." Oh, for cryin' out loud!

Did Mr. Roberts really think that even though they found the first of his posterially concealed substances, somehow, they weren't going to find the other ones? Or maybe because he had such a solid alibi, he just wasn't worried about it. That's right. He had an alibi as to why things were falling out of his butt. He told the cop “The white stuff is not mine, but the weed is.” Oh, what the what? For reals? Yes. For reals. See, "...he claimed...that the crack in his crack was the property of a friend who had previously borrowed the car and left the drug on the passenger seat." Right. Because if there's one thing that defines people who use drugs, it's their inability to always know the whereabouts of their drugs. Drug users are always leaving their drugs just lying around on the front seat of people's cars.

Regardless as to whether or not Mr. Roberts' statement is true or not (it isn't), I'm kind of thinking that once something is IN your body (or at least, very close to being IN your buttock-al region), you don't get to claim that it isn't yours. That's no longer a choice. In the glove compartment? Under the passenger seat? Sure. Give it a whirl and try to get out of those situations by claiming it isn't yours. But when you're clenching it between your arse cheeks, you've got nothing. Oh, wait. I take that back. You have a pretty funny story.

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A Shocking Outcome

Today's Dumbass Files Dumbass Lawsuit comes to us courtesy of a one Kyle Dubois from Dover, New Hampshire. (This reads a lot better if you use a game show announcer voice in your head when you read it.) Let's see who Kyle is suing! First of all, Kyle is suing his teacher, a one Thomas Kelley. But Kyle doesn't stop there! He's also suing his school district AND the city of Dover! And why is he suing, Bob? (I'm envisioning that the announcer's name is Bob.) Why, he's suing because he claims that his electrical shop teacher didn't warn him of the dangers of electricity before he hooked two clamps up to his nipples and then had another student plug him in! Wait. What, Bob?

Yep. It is just what it sounds like it is. Eighteen year old (and certainly old enough to know better) Kyle Dubois attached one of those little electrical clamp things (that look kind of like jumper cables) to one of his nipples. Another idiot student attached the other clamp to the other nipple. And the idiot student trifecta was completed when a third moron plugged in the cord. What happened next will shock you. (Actually, it'll shock him, but you already saw that it was headed in that direction.)

According to The Boston Herald and surprising no one but perhaps Kyle, after the human battery jumper was all hooked up and the current was applied, he "...received a severe shock that caused him to stagger and collapse". The article goes on to say that the shock resulted in the asshat (my terminology, not that of The Boston Herald) "...being sent to Wentworth-Douglass Hospital, where he was diagnosed as having an "out of hospital electrocution resulting in cardiac arrest, unresponsive state and respiratory failure". It doesn't state that they diagnosed him as being a complete ignoramus, but let's not rule that out, OK? OK. Oh, by the way, here's a screen grab from a 4-second cell phone video that one of this moron's classmates made of him hooking himself up to be a human Roman candle. You can tell by the fact that his pants are about three inches below the top of his boxer shorts that the boy isn't quite right in the head to begin with. Behold!

According to the documents filed in this absolutely meritless lawsuit, this moron "...suffered brain damage due to the heart stoppage. He has short-term memory loss and "other losses and disruptions" as a result." I'm not so sure that the brain damage was due to the heart stoppage. If I had to guess, I'd gather that he might have had a little bit of brain damage already going on when he went into class that day. And I can't even imagine what the "other losses" could possibly be. Has he joined the ranks of the un-layable as a result of this? Oooh! Maybe he lost his nipples. Is that it? Is he nippleless? I hope so. That would be most excellent.

Of course, the basis for his lawsuit has to do with negligence on the part of the teacher. And since the teacher works for the district, they're allegedly liable for his actions. And I guess since the district is in the city they just go ahead and sue them, too. Do you really need to be warned to not hook yourself up by the nipples with jumper cables? And even if you do need to be warned about that, does that mean that you need to be warned about sending a jolt of electricity through said jumper cables which are now affixed to one's nipples? I guess if you're already grabbing your nubbins with the nodes, you might need some sort of alternative direction. But I prefer to leave things like this to Mr. Darwin.

Here's my question: He obviously did this for a reason. What in the hell did he think was going to happen? He had to have known that plugging in his little contraption there was going to result in electricity surging through his body via Nipple A and Nipple B. (I don't know if those are the actual names of his nipples. That's about as creative as I can be right now.) Maybe if he had paid a little more attention in class, he would have realized that by getting plugged in, he was going to sent 120 volts through his body. And if they're going to be suing people, why are they not suing the other two asshats who participated in this asininity? Shouldn't they be the first people that should be included in this lawsuit?

What a waste of time and money. What ever happened to natural consequences? If some idiot hooks himself up to a surge of electricity, I certainly hope that he would get lit up like a Christmas tree or have sparks go shooting out of his nipples like it was the Fourth of July. That seems perfectly reasonable. And if someone is eighteen years old and hasn't quite grasped the fact that electricity will kill your ass, I see nothing wrong with that individual learning through experience. Case closed.

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Mother of the Year Candidate

This woman is definitely the front runner for "Mother of the Year 2010". I'm not sure if I should say fortunately or unfortunately she's going to be a tough act to top. Seriously, you tell me something more abhorrent than a woman marrying the guy who was charged with sexually abusing her 7-year old daughter. Can't think of anything? How about something more abhorrent than a woman marrying the guy who was charged with sexually abusing her 7-year old daughter and then helping the man elude police for a time being? Still nothing? OK, then how about something more abhorrent than a woman marrying the guy who was charged with sexually abusing her 7-year old daughter and then helping the man elude police for a time being, all only TWO hours after he was indicted? Drawing a blank, aren't you? We have a winner!

Here's the story as told by OregonLive.com. It's from an article that they published where we learn that a one 47-year-old (and clearly old enough to freaking know better) Don Edward Smock Jr., was charged with 45 felony counts of child-sex-related charges. That was back in July when "...Smock was indicted on 13 counts of using a child in a display of sexually explicit conduct, eight counts of first-degree encouraging child sexual abuse, one count of first-degree attempted sexual abuse and 23 counts of second-degree encouraging child sexual abuse." See, this is one of those times when an indictment is simply too kind. This is one of those times that seems to require a fifty cent solution. One bullet. Carefully placed. Problem solved. What a pig.

But it gets worse. Only a mere two hours after he was indicted, Mr. Smock and the mother of his victim, a one 41-year old Barbara Lynn Whitehead, "...secretly married in a ceremony in Colton (that's in Oregon)". And naturally, when you get married, you want your family present, right? Apparently, that's just how twisted Ms. Whitehead was, as her 7-year old daughter, the one who was being abused by Mr. Smock, was there for the nuptials of this vile couple. Seriously, lady, what in the hell is wrong with you? How on earth could you possibly justify doing that? You should never have that child or any child for that matter in your custody ever again. It doesn't really get much more wrong than this. Not much. A little bit, but not much.

By the way, this woman looks just about like you'd expect her to look. Behold!

The little bit worse that it gets is that after the ceremony, "....all three drove to Portland and checked into a hotel for a weekend-long honeymoon, before Smock disappeared." Uh, I think I might hurl. I really don't want to have to speculate as to whether or not the little girl was involved in any of the typical honeymoonal activities, but I really don't put anything past this guy and his scumbucket bride at this point.

Fortunately, thanks to help from the public, scumbucket was arrested Wednesday and Mrs. Scumbucket was arrested on Monday. They ended up charging her with four counts of wrongfulness. Tampering with a witness, hindering prosecution, perjury and false swearing. (What in the world is false swearing? Is it like you're about the say the F-word and then you don't? Hardly sounds like anything that would be considered a crime. Annoying? Sure. But criminal? That'd be odd.) Four counts? That doesn't seem like nearly enough.

The 7-year old "...was taken into custody by state Child Protective Services". I think that the words of a one Detective Jim Strovink, who is the Clackamas County Sheriff's Office spokesman, pretty much sum up the actions of these two asshats. He said, "This would appear to be a new low." That's saying something. The bar, after all, is incredibly low to begin with when you're dealing with scum that sexually abuse children. I only wish that I thought that we wouldn't be able to go any lower. But I know better. There is some sick ass person out there who will do worse than this. And it probably won't take long, either.

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Flaw and Order

Recently, here in the fine, fine state of California, some asshat Senator (said asshat being California Senate Majority Leader Dean Florez) introduced a bill that would, according to a story at Fox News (and they're fair and balanced, don't you know?), "...establish a registry of names -- similar to widely used sex offender databases -- to track and make public the identities of people convicted of felony animal abuse." Now, really, how I feel about that isn't exactly what this post is about, but I'm going to tell you what I think anyway.

And what I think is that if they're going to do this, someone is going to have to tell me where it's going to end. What I mean is that I think that sex offender databases are a good thing. I like to know where the perverts are. (Have you blue-dotted your neighborhood today?) But I'm thinking I'd also like to know where all of the folks convicted of assault are at. Add to that the folks convicted of theft, vandalism, burglary, or armed anything. All I'm saying is that it's going to have to stop somewhere and I think it needs to be contained to sex offenders. Otherwise, I think we run the risk of becoming a little too Big Brother-ish for my comfort level.

But I digress. The point here is that the folks in California (at least one of them, anyway) think that animal abuse is such a horrific crime (and it is) that those who perpetrate it and are convicted of it should be entered into some sort of statewide database. That view seems to be radically different from at least one judge in West Virginia. The judge in mention would be a one Kanawha Circuit Judge James Stucky. Let's learn more about him, shall we?

Judge Stucky presided over the sentencing of a one 18-year old (and old enough to know better) Charles Wiant. Mr. Wiant was being sentenced after pleading guilty for killing his neighbor's German shepherd with a bow and arrow. Clearly, Mr. Wiant is an asshat. That much seems cut and dried. What's not so clear is what is wrong with Judge Stucky.

Judge Stucky sentenced Mr. Wiant to spend four weekends in jail and "...serve 50 volunteer hours at the Kanawha-Charleston Animal Shelter, pay $1,000 to the dog's owners and spend a year on unsupervised probation." Hmmm. Now, the article in the Charleston Daily Mail says that the Judge " ...imposed a sentence that was suggested by the victims and recommended by prosecutors in exchange for a guilty plea." Now, while I don't know what the sentencing parameters for something like shooting a German shepherd with a bow and arrow, I know that it doesn't seem unreasonable at all. I don't know that it seems like one would need to make any concessions to such a sentence. I, however, am not Judge Stucky. And Judge Stucky "...agreed to a sentencing arrangement that will allow him to attend the Hank Williams Jr. concert at the Charleston Civic Center on April 2. Wiant's lawyer, Bill Forbes, explained that Wiant's girlfriend already has spent a lot of money on the tickets." Wait. What?

Correct. This convicted and, apparently, admitted (he pled guilty) dog murderer whose weapon of choice was a bow and arrow, will be allowed to go to a Hank Williams Jr. concert because his girlfriend already spent a lot of money on the tickets. Are you freaking kidding me?!

I think that crimes against animals are in some ways more reprehensible than crimes against humans. Regardless though, it's hard for me to be really objective on this one when I'm an animal lover. I definitely do not think that four weekends in jail is any sort of a just sentence. But it is what it is. And it's a sentence. And I don't think that it needs to be altered. And animal lover or not, I certainly don't give a fat rat's ass how much money the convicted's girlfriend spent on concert tickets. Too bad. Maybe she should have chosen a better boyfriend. Perhaps one who wouldn't get his ass thrown in jail for shooting a German shepherd with a bow and arrow and killing it? THAT might be the kind of boyfriend to have. You know, one who doesn't do stuff like that!

Just remember, kids! If you're going to be sentenced to jail in Judge Stucky's courtroom and think that you may be needing a break from the doldrums of prison life once you're in there, make sure that you purchase some pricey concert tickets ahead of time so that the Judge will let you attend! Make it a country music concert just to be on the safe side. Plan ahead!

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2009, Take Jon Gosselin With You. Please!

Let's end this year by one last post (for the year, not forever) about the asshat that is Jon Gosselin, shall we? I should have known that something regarding him was going to surface shortly because things had just been too darn quiet on the guy-with-eight-children-divorces-wife-and-acts-like-an-a-hole-in-public front for too darn long. And if any of Jon Gosselin's other antics were any indication, he's such a media whore that it was likely just killin' him that his self-congratulatory mug of much greater girth was not plastered all over the Internet and the supermarket tabloid covers. What to do? What to do? Slink away quietly into oblivion and try to co-raise your eight children without very many public to-dos? Naaahhh. What say you allegedly fake up a burglary of your New York apartment so that you can blame it on the chick that you've been sleeping with, all right? All right!

Here's the scoop: According to the alphabet folks over there at ABC News, Jon Gosselin had spent Christmas with his children (shocking, I know!) and when he returned home to his apartment in New York, it was to "...find his brand new, Upper West Side apartment burglarized and wrecked beyond belief." Huh. Really? Hmmm. What else?

Well, according to his lawyer, a one Mark Heller (fitting), "he entered his apartment in Manhattan and was horrified, disheartened and saddened to observe the devastation of his furniture, clothing and personal belongings, which were apparently slashed with a butcher knife by a very troubled and sick perpetrator." Um, since when did statements by lawyers turn into Shakespearean soliloquies? "Disenheartened and saddened to observe"? Who in the heck says stuff like that in regard to coming home to find some of your stuff missing and your remaining stuff trashed? Not many people that I know, that's for sure. My reaction upon coming home to something like that would have been, "WTF" and "911". But, according to his spokeshole attorney, Jon's reaction was that he "...immediately contacted me and facilitated the able assistance of the New York City Police Department who immediately dispatched an experienced detective to Jon's apartment." Huh.

Now, maybe it's just because I don't have eight children and haven't recently divorced my wife because I'm such a dill hole that I don't understand that reaction. His first reaction is to call his attorney? Because he couldn't "facilitate the able assistance of the NYPD" on his own? Is he not familiar with 911 and how that whole system works? Did he forget the number to 911? I don't understand why he had to call his attorney first. And what's with the mentioning that they "immediately" sent out an "experienced detective"? Was he afraid we'd all get the impression that the NYPD took their time before sending over a complete idiot? I don't get that.

The spokeshole/attorney claimed that Jon "found a note "speared" into his wooden dresser. His television, CD player, coffee maker, Nintendo Wii, dishes, pots and pans had been taken from his home. Clothing, luggage and bedding were slashed." All right. Hold on a minute. A person who is going to steal a Wii, a TV and a CD player is not the same person who is going to steal pots and pans. What's up with that? And a note "speared" into the dresser? Is this like some really bad, unaired episode of The Sopranos or something? Who does that? Actually, who rips off and then trashes someones apartment and then leaves a note? Um, no one. That's who. No one.

Now, it would appear that asshat Jon Gosselin and his girlfriend or whatever she is, Hailey Glassman, were sharing that apartment. It has since been claimed by Hailey that he was "abusive" towards her and she moved out. Glassman's attorney, a one Anand Ahuja (pronounce that any way you'd like) says, that Hailey "....didn't take anything from that apartment that she was not entitled to take with her." OK, this is starting to make a little more sense. See if you follow me here.

He goes back to Pennsylvania or Transylvania or wherever the heck he's from and while he's gone, she makes like a tree and leaves. She grabs her stuff (hence the disappearance of the pots and pans) and takes it with her. She doesn't tell him she's doing this because, well, why would she? These people haven't been acting like grown-ups since they thrust themselves into the media limelight this entire time, I don't know why we'd expect them to start doing so now. He returns back to his bachelor pad to find her stuff gone. She probably did leave him a note, but I highly doubt that she speared it on his dresser with a butcher knife. (Now that I think about it, that doesn't really sound as much like The Sopranos as it does like Scooby Doo.)

He reads the note and is ticked off that she's gone. He trashes the place himself, perhaps on purpose to blame it on her, perhaps just out of anger and then realizes that he's done something incredibly stupid and, like everything else in his life, refuses to take responsibility for it and has to blame it on someone else. Either way, I would be surprised if it turns out that Hailey had anything to do with the destruction of the apartment.

I'd also be very surprised if anyone else had anything to do with the trashing of the apartment other than asshat Jon Gosselin because it isn't like that isn't a secured apartment building or anything. It's not like there are not cameras and it's not like there is not security and it's not like just anyone could make their way up there. And have you ever tried to break into an apartment from just the hallway? I haven't either, but I would imagine that the logistics of it make it rather difficult. Thus all of this points to one person. That's right. Dumbass.

He might have figured that a little publicity can't hurt him. After all, about every deal that I had heard that he had in the works hasn't gone through. Since their show "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" was cancelled, I haven't heard of any other shows in the works for him. He was so incredibly stupid that he thought that the show worked simply because he was on it. He was so incredibly stupid and full of himself that he thought that even if they were divorced, that he was just so g-d fascinating that the offers would just come rolling in for him. For some reason. When they didn't and he realized that not only did his meal ticket not exist anymore, but he realized that he was the one that tore it up, well, that's when times get tough. And when times get tough, what better way than to continue your delusions of grandeur than to trash your own apartment and blame it on a woman?

And if for some reason you're at this point and you don't quite see how out of touch Jon is with everything in this world, let me share with you another little tidbit that his lawyer, Mark Heller, is quoted by Radar Online as saying: "Jon feels like he was raped." You know what? Guys don't get to say that. Guys don't get to say that they feel like they've been raped, got it? You know why? Because they don't, that's why. Jon Gosselin, you Dip-S, you don't have any idea what it's like to be raped. You don't have any idea what the fear of rape is like. But regardless of that, are you so effing stupid that you can't figure out that having your fairly newly purchased things stolen from an apartment that you've barely been living in for less than six months and that those are not the equivalent of "rape"? If you think getting ripped off is like being raped, you're going to be in for a huge shock if you ever are actually raped one day. A HUGE shock. That's when you'll realize that the two really have absolutely nothing to do with one another at all. Any by trying to equate the two like that, you have really succeeded in doing a couple of things.

One, you've succeeded in completely minimizing the trauma and the brutality of rape. And two, you've succeeded in making it crystal clear what a completely selfish a-hole you really are. If we never have to hear about you or your pathetic, self-serving existence in 2010 or ever again, it will be too soon. Goodbye, 2009! And take Jon Gosselin with you!

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Silver and Gold...Silver and Gold...

Find your niche in life and go with it. That's a pretty simple motto to live by and it really enables one to find success through what it is that they can actually do. However, that should probably be edited just to clarify that one's niche should be something legal, something that won't harm themselves or others and shouldn't be something that leaves gold or silver spray paint all over your face. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? Meet a one Patrick Tribett. Mr. Tribett apparently hails from West Virginia and his niche in life appears to be huffing spray paint. It would seem that gold and silver spray paints are his metallic colors of choice because according to one psychologist, a one David Blum, "... gold or silver paints have a higher concentration of toluene, a chemical that produces a high." Huh. Who knew? Well, who else besides Mr. Tribett? Seriously. And what the hell is toluene, you ask? According to the Material Safety Data Sheet (MSDS), it's basically a paint thinner like chemical with "a slightly sweeter aroma, similar to that of benzene." A slightly sweeter aroma? Who wrote up the MSDS on toluene anyway? Some glue sniffing sommelier?

But I digress. That's not a good look for anyone, really. It looks like he just got finished blowing C-3PO. But here's the thing: That's not a recent photo of Mr. Tribett. No, that's from 2005. And the only reason that I'd be showing you a mugshot from 2005 would be if it happened again. Behold!

Good Lord. What is wrong with this guy? According to WTOV-9 News over there in West Virginia, all of Mr. Tribett's arrests sounds about the same. When police finally make contact with the man, they always report that "...he was having a hard time walking, seemed intoxicated and had gold paint all over his face." Every. Time.

You'd think that after the first time, the guy would get a clue, right? But to be arrested twice, that makes it fairly clear that he has some sort of problem, doesn't it? BOTH times with gold paint all over his chin? (Again, appearing as if he had been engaged in some sort of untoward activity with a particular Star Wars droid.) Perhaps. Especially considering that the photo above isn't a current mugshot either. No, that one was taken in 2007. Behold!

Again, the story, very familiar, just with different dates and the ending is also familiar by concluding with Mr. Tribett being "...charged with public intoxication....after police said he was staggering on Market Street near 15th Street." Again, with his face and clothes covered in gold paint. One of his arrest reports is below if you'd like to view said aerosol asshattery.

I'm not sure how one huffs spray paint. I mean, with other inhalants, I suppose you just cram the thing (which is NOT intended to get you high) real close to your schnozz there and inhale. Wow. I'm sure you look super cool doing that, too! So with this arrest, one could assume that the trifecta is complete, in which case, one would be wrong. Behold!

Looks like he switched over to silver paint for that one. Is that like starting to drink decaf? So now we're witnessing the fruits of the labor of Mr. Tribett's fourth arrest for the exact same crime...inhaling spray paint and then staggering about town looking as if he's just cheated on C-3PO by blowing the Tin Man. Why can't he just inhale the paint and stagger about his own backyard or his own hallway or something? Why do the streets of town always have to be involved? (Don't get me wrong. I'm loving the mugshot goodness that comes out of this. I'm just curious is all.)

The shot above came within a week of the one before that one! Who keeps selling this guy paint?! It's not like the whole world hasn't seen the photos of this Golden Warrior by now! Don't sell him anymore paint! Make him get it off of the paint black market or something. The Underground Paint Railroad. I don't care, just don't sell it to him! I believe that the arrest for the mugshot above took place "...under the Interstate 470 bridge", which means that he's taken on the role of huffing bridge troll at this point. "Police said when they found him, Tribett looked right at them but continued huffing." Ahhh. The carefree huffing bridge troll. Regardless, it'll still get you arrested. Just like this will. Behold!

For cryin' out loud! What are we up to? FIVE? Five that we know of?? They're just getting worse, too. This last mugshot was the result of an arrest on August 29, 2009. That time, Tribett "...put up a fight during the arrest, even continuing to try and huff the white paint. Officers said they were forced to pepper spray him before they were able to take him to jail." Excellent! You want to huff something, dude? What say you huff a load of this pepper spray? Nice job, cops!

It's a good thing they didn't use the Taser on him or anything. He'd have had all of those chemicals racing through his gold-toned body. What if the electricity from the Taser caused him to burst into flames or something like that? Definitely an unfortunate scene there, for sure.

I noticed that he's using the white this time. I wonder what's up with that? Change of pace, perhaps? Or maybe he was hoping that no one would recognize him without his traditional and preferred spray paint of choice, the gold or the silver.

According to that one psychologist guy, that David Blum, all of this huffing "...can also cause permanent damage and what he called "sudden sniffing death." The permanent damage part is fairly easy to spot. I'm having a hard time believing that this "sudden sniffing death" is something that happens frequently or often. If Mr. Tribett is any indicator, it doesn't happen at all! Blum also mentioned that huffing is "...something that kids experiment with and, if they're not properly educated on the dangers of abusing chemicals, it could be a problem that follows them into adulthood." You think?

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