A Shocking Outcome

Today's Dumbass Files Dumbass Lawsuit comes to us courtesy of a one Kyle Dubois from Dover, New Hampshire. (This reads a lot better if you use a game show announcer voice in your head when you read it.) Let's see who Kyle is suing! First of all, Kyle is suing his teacher, a one Thomas Kelley. But Kyle doesn't stop there! He's also suing his school district AND the city of Dover! And why is he suing, Bob? (I'm envisioning that the announcer's name is Bob.) Why, he's suing because he claims that his electrical shop teacher didn't warn him of the dangers of electricity before he hooked two clamps up to his nipples and then had another student plug him in! Wait. What, Bob?

Yep. It is just what it sounds like it is. Eighteen year old (and certainly old enough to know better) Kyle Dubois attached one of those little electrical clamp things (that look kind of like jumper cables) to one of his nipples. Another idiot student attached the other clamp to the other nipple. And the idiot student trifecta was completed when a third moron plugged in the cord. What happened next will shock you. (Actually, it'll shock him, but you already saw that it was headed in that direction.)

According to The Boston Herald and surprising no one but perhaps Kyle, after the human battery jumper was all hooked up and the current was applied, he "...received a severe shock that caused him to stagger and collapse". The article goes on to say that the shock resulted in the asshat (my terminology, not that of The Boston Herald) "...being sent to Wentworth-Douglass Hospital, where he was diagnosed as having an "out of hospital electrocution resulting in cardiac arrest, unresponsive state and respiratory failure". It doesn't state that they diagnosed him as being a complete ignoramus, but let's not rule that out, OK? OK. Oh, by the way, here's a screen grab from a 4-second cell phone video that one of this moron's classmates made of him hooking himself up to be a human Roman candle. You can tell by the fact that his pants are about three inches below the top of his boxer shorts that the boy isn't quite right in the head to begin with. Behold!

According to the documents filed in this absolutely meritless lawsuit, this moron "...suffered brain damage due to the heart stoppage. He has short-term memory loss and "other losses and disruptions" as a result." I'm not so sure that the brain damage was due to the heart stoppage. If I had to guess, I'd gather that he might have had a little bit of brain damage already going on when he went into class that day. And I can't even imagine what the "other losses" could possibly be. Has he joined the ranks of the un-layable as a result of this? Oooh! Maybe he lost his nipples. Is that it? Is he nippleless? I hope so. That would be most excellent.

Of course, the basis for his lawsuit has to do with negligence on the part of the teacher. And since the teacher works for the district, they're allegedly liable for his actions. And I guess since the district is in the city they just go ahead and sue them, too. Do you really need to be warned to not hook yourself up by the nipples with jumper cables? And even if you do need to be warned about that, does that mean that you need to be warned about sending a jolt of electricity through said jumper cables which are now affixed to one's nipples? I guess if you're already grabbing your nubbins with the nodes, you might need some sort of alternative direction. But I prefer to leave things like this to Mr. Darwin.

Here's my question: He obviously did this for a reason. What in the hell did he think was going to happen? He had to have known that plugging in his little contraption there was going to result in electricity surging through his body via Nipple A and Nipple B. (I don't know if those are the actual names of his nipples. That's about as creative as I can be right now.) Maybe if he had paid a little more attention in class, he would have realized that by getting plugged in, he was going to sent 120 volts through his body. And if they're going to be suing people, why are they not suing the other two asshats who participated in this asininity? Shouldn't they be the first people that should be included in this lawsuit?

What a waste of time and money. What ever happened to natural consequences? If some idiot hooks himself up to a surge of electricity, I certainly hope that he would get lit up like a Christmas tree or have sparks go shooting out of his nipples like it was the Fourth of July. That seems perfectly reasonable. And if someone is eighteen years old and hasn't quite grasped the fact that electricity will kill your ass, I see nothing wrong with that individual learning through experience. Case closed.

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Oddities at CES

As a huge fan of gadgets and electronics (not to mention electricity itself), I always look forward to the Consumer Electronic Show in Las Vegas every year. Granted, it's not as big as it used to be, but we don't have as much money as we used to, nor are we as frivolous as we used to be. (That was due to our spending our seemingly endless supply of money in a fashion equivalent to that of drunken sailors on leave. No offense to any drunken sailors out there. Thanks for your service!) But it doesn't change the fact that there are a lot of cool things that get unveiled at the CES every year. And everyone one of them practically touts that they're going to be the next big thing. And some of them might very well be. Others might be big, but just might not be huge. (You know, kind of like that one guy you dated in college that everyone in your sorority was talking about.) And others...well...others are going to be quite surprised when they find out that they are going to be neither big nor huge, but are going to find themselves being mocked here.

(By the way, most of these photos are compliments of our friends across the pond over there at The Telegraph and from our friends on this side of the pond over there at Switched. And by "compliments" I mean that I took them, but I didn't ask, but I also wasn't trying to do any harm, either, so just back off!)

First up is something called the Hanvon Touchpad. It says that it "...has a 10.1" screen, e-Book content and includes handwriting recognition software in different languages..." Sounds great. What's it look like? Behold!

Swell. I just wish that they could have shown a better picture of the capabilities of the "handwriting recognition software" other than this one. Behold!

And that thing is going to be $700?! My Etch-A-Sketch technically has that same kind of "handwriting recognition" and it's no $700. Poor choice in photos, that's all I'm saying. It could be a perfectly find product (but I think I'll stick with the Etch-A-Sketch).

Are you familiar with a brand of AV cables called Monster Cables? They cost a gazillion times more than a regular cable, but there really isn't any proof that they do anything at all that is better than your regular ol' cheap ass cables. (If you're one of the folks that actually bought the line of crap that the guys in the blue shirts were selling you, I've only one word for you: Sucker!) Now, I don't know if so many people caught on to the Monster Cable scam or what, but I do know that the folks over there at Monster are at it again. This time, their enlisting the help of a music legend in order to scam folks out of not just $100 for an inferior product, but to scam folks out of $500 for a pair of earphones that I'm going to have to guess do not deliver $500 worth of audio goodness. Behold! The Miles Davis Tribute high-performance in-ear headphones and their poster boy, the son of Miles Davis, Erin Davis.

That's a real cute little royal blue lined miniature trumpet case you guys have going there, but those are not $500 worth of earphones that are inside of it. Shame on you, money grubbing son of Miles Davis. Shame on you.

Ed Hardy, the designer who has been outfitting douchebag Jon Gosselin over the past year or so, made an appearance at the CES with his line of cell phone covers. The photo below shows how they are displaying their wares at the convention. And while the covers may be cool, as a friend of mine told me today "...their advertising dept. really should have more than 70 collective IQ Points." Well said, my friend. Well said.

Here are the GoPro wearable camera rigs. Apparently, a large rubber band and/or bungee cord wrapped around your imaging device and then strapped to your head just wasn't cutting it.

Here we have "...the Steadicam 'Smoothie', a video stabiliser for the iPhone" as demonstrated by an Elvis impersonator. Let's hope that the image that the product helps produce does a better job than the Elvis impersonator.

The photo below was captioned: "Intel President and CEO Paul Otellini (L) talks with actors dressed as time travellers." Time travellers? Really? I don't know about that, but the one on the right looks more like he might have been a buffet traveler.

For some reason, a company called Hannspree thinks that we, as consumers, want to watch a TV that is set inside some sort of whimsical object. I don't know that we do. In fact, I know that I don't. I'm easily distracted (shiny!), but besides that, these TVs are ridiculous. I know that we all think that Apple products are like heaven on earth, but that doesn't mean that we want to buy products that look like a regular ol' apple. Behold!

I don't want to watch TV on a large piece of fruit. I'd feel like I'm trapped outside of some sort of impressionist painting. But I suppose it's better than watching TV and feeling like I'm trapped on some sort of an ice floe somewhere. Behold!

Yep. That's a polar bear. Because when I think "the future of TV", I naturally think "cold environment predators", don't you?

There was also this clock for $129 from Oregon Scientific. The point of it is that the clock will gradually start illuminating your room a half an hour before you get up. It's supposed to ease you into the whole "being awake" sort of thing. I'm thinking I can be eased awake for less then $129. Maybe I'll sleep with the curtains open and be eased awake by Mother Nature for free. $129? Really?

And finally we have Lady Gaga who will be "...working with Polaroid where she will act as the brand's creative director for a speciality line of imaging products." It's a perfect fit, really, because with both Lady Gaga and a Polaroid picture, you have to stare at them for a few minutes before you can actually figure out what you're looking at.

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What Can Electricity Do For YOU?

You know, I've been saying we're doomed for quite some time now. But I suppose that I had thought that it was only a recent phenomenon in which we, as a people, were propelling ourselves down a path of stupidity. I'm beginning to think that people in general (excluding the majority of you reading this right now) have always been rather dim-bulbed. I say that because apparently, at one point, it was necessary to inform folks of all of the things that electricity in the home can do for you. Wait. What?

Look, I wasn't around during the advent of all of the electricity, but I'd think that all I'd need to see is that light bulb glowing and realize that life is good! But the thing is, this video doesn't seem to have been made around the advent or discovery of electricity. I mean, it does reference television at some point, so it's not like the wonders of electricity were not well known during the filming of this odd, odd PSA. The video is below and I'm going to run through just a few of the things that I found particularly entertaining. Behold!

1930's Infomercial About Electricity, Funny - Click here for more blooper videos

Do you know that electricity will switch on your kettle and when it boils, make tea, light the lamp and ring the alarm to wake you up? Am I sleeping with Rube Goldberg? Who in the world had that contraption next to their bed?

"And when, half an hour later, when your husband is waiting to get off to work, it will boil another kettle for breakfast and cook his toast at the table for him in the twink. Perhaps he'll even offer you a piece!" OK, I might not have heard the lovely British fellow correctly when he talked about cooking toast in the "twink". I've listened to it several times and that's the best I can come up with. Regardless, maybe your husband will OFFER you a piece? A piece? Of the toast YOU just cooked for HIM? Good Lord...

But this voice over guy is a crack up! After making the comment about the guy offering a piece of toast up to the little lady, the guy says "I'll be he doesn't when we're not filming him!" Nice!

"In this country, the waffle griddle may still be something of a newcomer, but it is growing in favor every day." (Apparently this wasn't filmed in Belgium, home of delicious waffles!) But here's where he loses me. "It uses only one unit in twenty hours and will also give you toasted sandwiches." What? A unit of what? Twenty hours? Is there a timer on this waffle cooker contraption? And toasted sandwiches? In a waffle iron? Er, griddle. Machine. Whatever! There are no sandwiches in my waffle iron!

This whole thing cracks me up! "And if you're husband feels in need of a little fresh air..." Enter some guy who was not the guy sharing his toast with you earlier. "Hello! You've got a new husband!" Funny how electricity informercial guy can mention that it's a different person playing the husband, but do you think anyone ever wanted to talk about the second Darrin? Not so much. Odd.

"...Electricity to warm you as you recline so beautifully in front of the drawing room fire as you wonder what's keeping your husband out so late. I wouldn't stay out so late, madam, were I your husband." Is he hitting on our electricity model? I believe he is! First he tells her that her husband is a selfish toast hoarder, now he's telling her that he's out carousing around! Does he know that she can't hear him?

It's just a tad bit unnerving for me to see the hot water heater positioned directly above the tub. Why is it there? There had to have been plumbing pipes at that time, didn't there? I mean, it's not like the tub was the only appliance the in the home that used hot water. Why positioned directly over the tub?

Well I don't know if this little Public Service Announcement explaining how electricity can be useful in the human home would have been successful at convincing me of anything other than those women did a hell of a lot of work all the live long day...electricity or not!

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Obscenely Accurate

Gotta hand it to the folks over there at The Onion. They're definitely funny people, those Onion people. Satire, comedy, parody, all at their best. But they might have outdone themselves this time. It's definitely going to be hard to top.

The folks over there at The Onion have put together a video of fictional news coverage of the new release of a fictional Sony product. Now, even though the product is fictional, I could almost swear that I own at least one of them! No, actually, I know I own at least one of them, which is why I'm pretty sure that I own more than one of them. I'm just guessing, but I'd have to assume the stupid wireless router that I've been trying to get to work correctly so that the damn Wi-Fi connection won't keep shutting itself off whenever it effing feels like it is part of Sony's fictional product line.

That's why I can't believe that they're trying to get us to believe that it's really a "fictional" product. Like I said, I know I have at least one of those. I know several people who have lived (barely) through the exact same experience with their products that The Onion depicts with theirs. It's real.

You know, the other thing that's real about this video is the language. Usually this is a family-ish language sort of blog (but only if the "family" is your Uncle Dave who drinks), but not today as this video contains graphic language. Foul, obscene, graphic language. BUT....it's foul, obscene, graphic language that is essential to the message being conveyed. It can't be bleeped and you need your sound up and your speakers on. So make sure that your viewing/listening area is free of all small children, priests, nuns, all Popes, small pets (they frighten easily), and any old relatives without a sense of humor (especially those who always pretend they can't hear anything, but they SO can. They'll cause more trouble for you than they're worth. Most of the time. Check their will before adhering to that philosophy. Always check the will.). Enjoy.

See what I mean? How many of those do YOU own? Show it to your friends and see how many they own, too! The Onion has several other videos over yonder at the YouTube, but it's only fair that I mention that I can't imagine any would be funnier than that which you just watched. Nice job, Onion guys. If nothing else, it's earned you permanent Linkage on this blog. What more could you ask for? Now, if you'll excuse me, I believe I have a new, revolutionary product that I need to spend time with. (Stupid G-D router...)

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