This Crosses A Line

I'm a big sports fan. Of the four major sports, I'm an avid fan of everything but hockey. And I'm learning to like hockey, so I'm sure that won't be long down the road. But in the meantime, it's just football, basketball and baseball. They're all great. The only thing that spoils sports for me are the fans that have to be giant douchebags all the time. Let's take some of the Dodger fans who felt the need to beat up on a San Francisco Giants fan after the opening day game in Los Angeles on Thursday.

According to The Huffington Post, "A savage beating by two men outside Dodgers Stadium has left a San Francisco Giants fan in a medically-induced coma". Oh, sure. That sounds reasonable. Beat a man to within an inch of his life because...well...there doesn't seem to be any reason. The Dodgers won and the cowards who did the beating were wearing Dodgers garb, so they weren't pummeling innocent bystanders out of frustration over their loss. Not that it would have made it more justified or anything like that. I was just drawing attention to how pointless it all was.

I did find some of the statements made by the Dodgers and by the Dodgers coach to be a bit annoying. For example, the team released a statement that said "It is extremely unfortunate that this incident took place on what was otherwise a great day at Dodger Stadium for tens of thousands of fans...We're committed to having the most fan and family friendly environment in baseball and will continue to make that a top priority." Yeah, other than the beating that left a 42-year old married father of two in the hospital with brain injuries, it was a great day. See, if you're asking me, the beating really negates the great day. It really negates the great day if you're the one who had the crap beat out of them.

And as far as their "fan and family friendly environment" that they "will continue" to make a top priority? Yeah, when do you think they might get started on that? I'm just asking because in 2009 "...a man stabbed his friend in the stadium parking lot after the home opener." Can you really call them friends if one of them was stabbing the other? I have a lot of friends and we don't usually stab each other. In fact, I'm fairly comfortable saying that I would not want to be friends with anyone who I thought might get a little stabby with me from time to time. Or ever, for that matter. But maybe they're working on the safety for the even numbered years first. I really don't know their plan.

But I do know an asinine statement when I read it. I'm referring to statements such as the one made by coach Don Mattingly who said, "I was disappointed...You don't want to see that. Everyone likes rivalries, but to me, that's crossing the line." Oh, really? To you that was crossing the line? You think that other people have some other kind of a line that involves beating innocent people within an inch of their life? To you? What the what was that supposed to mean, anyway? I'm trying to overlook his merely being "disappointed". I'd prefer a little more outrage for things like this.

Here's to hoping that they catch the scumbags that did this. Here's also to hoping that people stop making idiotic statements when incidents like this one occur. And finally and most importantly, here's to hoping that Bryan Stow, the guy who was injured, will recover from his injures. Get well soon, Bryan.

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Charlie Sheen At The Oscars

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Jessica Simpson: Amateur Sociologist

So, SO much wackiness to choose from today! I had a hard time choosing. First I thought about the abhorrent Mackenzie Phillips and her "new" face which seems to have cost her around $50,000. Huh. (That might explain the inexplicable book that she "wrote" in which she revealed that she willingly slept with her father. Then again, I don't know that you could get me to have a similar revelation for only 50 grand, so I'm back to thinking that she's just a nutjob.) There was Todd Bridges and his uncovering of the thankfully long time, but not long enough, secret that he, at the lowest of his drug abusing days, was wearing a diaper. (Why you wouldn't continue to keep something like that a secret, I can't even begin to imagine, but I'm guessing it would be money? Perhaps? There was even the guy who sold his wife for sex on craiglist. (craigslist. Is there anything that it can't do?) But none of those could really hold a candle to the new Jessica Simpson VH1 series The Price of Beauty which debuted a couple of days ago. (I know! I hadn't heard a thing about it and I missed it too!)

Here's the gist of this train wreck (not that I needed the gist to know that it was going to be a train wreck; call it a hunch) according to the huffy folks over at The Huffington Post: Simpson "...travels the globe with two friends, hair stylist Ken Paves and former assistant Cacee Cobb, to examine people's efforts to measure up to their society's standard of beauty. The goal is to empower women to accept themselves and ultimately understand that no one, not even celebrities, are perfect." OK...show of hands here of folks who already knew that celebrities were not perfect. Oh, look at that! Everyone reading this knew that already! I'm shocked. No, really.

WHO thought this would be a good idea? I can't imagine, but I must share this screen shot of the search results that I received when searching for more about this shot. Behold!

I'm sure that's pretty close to accurate. "Monday's premiere attracted just 1." And the 1 was probably her dog. (Do animals count when they do those things? I think they do for shows like that, otherwise they'd lose half their ratings.)

Now then, have you heard some of her words of wisdom from this show? Good Lord. You're in for a treat. It's like they're portraying her as some sort of Margaret Mead-Dian Fossey type. It's odd, odd, odd. Not to mention hil-arious. (Most of these quotes are compliments of the folks over there at Movieline, borrowed with neither permission, nor malice.)

Apparently, Jessica Simpson went to Thailand as she embarked on her quest for...information? (Something? Something like that? I'm still not sure.) While she was there, she had to eat, right? Right. And what did she think about some of the food that was eaten in Thailand? "It’s kind of a ritual for them to eat these bugs because it does speed up their metabolism… I can’t even eat salmon!” Wait. What?

Bugs speed up the metabolism. She doesn't eat salmon. Salmon is not a bug. So....therefore...umm....four quarts in a gallon? Seriously, what the hell?!

Then there was all of the fortune telling. That's right. All of the fortune telling. Apparently, in her quest to find out what other country's standards of beauty are, she had to visit a fortune teller. (Look, I'm doing the best I can here. Speculating about the completely inexplicable isn't as easy as you might think!) Here's another gem from amateur sociologist Jessica Simpson: “I got chill bumps from head to toe when the fortune teller said you’re really going to fall in love. And of course, right now I’m single, so… fingers crossed.”

Ahh, yes. The extremely vague "you're really going to fall in love.....some....day" fortune. That a fortune right out of the cookie if I've ever heard one. Is she going to "meet someone" also? Will she "get caught in a sudden downpour" one day? Will she "lose a sock in the dryer"? Jessica, if you're reading this (or having it read to you) and you need a full time fortune teller, I am at your service for an extremely nominal fee.

While Jessica may be some sort of beauty ambassador, she's not exactly an ambassador of words. Or the blatantly obvious. "In Thailand, our beauty ambassador is Sonia Couling. She is a model and she also hosts Thailand’s version of America’s Next Top Model.” Soooo....umm....wait. Wait! If I could only think of it! It's the show...in Thailand...that's just like the show in America called America's Next Top Model. It's just like that. It'll come to me. Hold on!
Um...Thailand's Next Top Model? Perhaps?! For God's sakes woman.....

I guess while she was there, she had a massage of some sort. Her thoughts? "I thought that Thai massages had happy endings. I was just wondering where mine was.” What kind of happy ending are we talking about here? And why did she think that? I've been racking my brain (OK, I thought about it for 3 seconds) trying to think if I have ever heard anything about Thai massages. Other than if you've had a "Thai massage" you've likely just visited a hooker, I was drawing a blank. What in the world is she talking about?

And there you have her, ladies and gentlemen! Jessica Simpson! Defining the category of "It's a good thing she's pretty." Back to you.

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Quotes That Make You Go "Huh?"

So....many...morons! Head...might....explode! You know, it's really easy to narrow things down to just one year. But when you expand that to ten years (because you're falling into the hype of the end of a decade as if it's the end of the world or something) and your list is the worst of something within those ten years? Yeah, if you make a list like that, you must have really done something idiotic. And while some things might be entirely idiotic, sometimes there's just too narrow of a category to warrant making a list (ie, probably should have found those WMDs first and then invaded). That's when what you're going to want to do is to take the contents of your list (ie, "Attack!") and expand the category (ie, Really Moronic Things People Have Said in the Past 10 Years). And while that might seem like a vast and wide topic to try and really come up with an accurate list, trust me. In this case, it can be done. Hoo-boy, can it be done.

I suppose I could start with the Governor of this fine state of California. The Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, gave an interview with right-right-right-right-right-wing radio host Sean Hannity in 2003 when Schwarzenegger was campaigning to be Governor of "Cali-FOR-nia" (as he says). When the topic of gay marriage came up (as it inevitably always will in any discussion about Cali-FOR-nia), the soon-to-be Governator said, "I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman." I see. Um, perhaps someone could clue him in on what exactly a gay marriage entails? That would be helpful.

Joe Biden is always good for a really moronic quote and he did not disappoint on September 10, 2008 when he was campaigning in Columbia, Missouri and wanted Senator Chuck Graham to stand up so that he could be recognized for the hard work that he had been doing for the Obama Biden campaign. Biden calls out, "Chuck, stand up, let the people see you." That's easier said than done if you're Senator Graham as the man is in a wheelchair. Now granted, Joe Biden immediately realized all of that standing up that he had requested wasn't going to be happening and he did a pretty good job of backtracking or fast talking or whatever it was that he did to get away from that comment, but still. Always make sure that your constituents have the ability to walk before asking them to stand before a very large group of people. Always.

There's no way I could be compiling a list of most moronic things folks have said over the past ten years without having at least one from former President George W. Bush. The problem was choosing only one. But I think I've done it. I think I can safely say that this is my favorite GW quote ever. The context of the speech he was giving at the time is unclear to me (though it does says "Pledge Across America" all over the board behind him, if that helps anyone out), but the content was very clear. Er, not clear. Er, well, I think we all know what he was trying to say, but no one can quite figure out how he messed it up. He said: "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." Um, yeah. What now?

And while that's relatively amusing on it's own accord in print like that, you really can't fully appreciate the beauty of it without seeing/hearing it for yourself. Behold!

Now that's something! I'm not sure exactly what, but it's definitely something!

But enough of politicians already. Let's move onto pop tarts, shall we? First up, we have a one Britney Spears. Now, Miss Spears has never really been known for her intellect. No, she's been known more for her fantastic voice, marrying Fresno's favorite son, Kevin Federline, and also shaving her head bald and attacking some sort of motor vehicle with an umbrella. (To this day, it's still really unclear just what, exactly, the vehicle did to her to warrant such a beating.) Really, it should come as no surprise that she's not all that well versed in the concept of geography, should it? No, it shouldn't. That's how we can explain her statement back in 2004 of "I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." Now, now! Before we all rush to judgment, perhaps she was on a boat when she said that. Or perhaps she was in Europe! What's that? No? Neither of those? Smack dab in the middle of the mainland, eh? Huh. Unfortunate.

Well, at least that quotation kind of explains this next quote of Britney's. I don't know what all she was up to in between 2004 and 2007, but it didn't seem to involve any sort of an atlas because she was also heard to say, "I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa." That's perplexing on so many levels. Japan, a country where the sole activity (pun kind of intended) is eating fish. A fact of which you must be aware of if you're ever traveling...to...Africa? Right. Um...yeah, I don't rightly know what to say about all of that.

But what is it with these pop singers and their lack of geographical awareness? Take Christina Aguilera. Perhaps she was just trying to avoid showing up in the wrong place when she inquired "So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?" Tell you what, Christina. How about you just give it a moment of thought (we'll wait!) and see what you come up with. Take your time! Sometimes, the most obvious answer is the one that's often overlooked!

I'm kind of going to guess that some of these blonde pop tart singer chicks all know each other? They seem to have a few things in common in the smarts department. Take Jessica Simpson, for example. No, not one of Bart's younger sisters (those are Lisa and Maggie). Jessica Simpson is the hottie who was married to Nick Lachey for a while. (After they split and he realized his meal ticket split with her, he ended up hosting or being on Dancing With the Stars, which isn't bad work if you can get it, from what I hear.) And even though they've been divorced for a while now, and even though it was back in October of 2003 when she became confused over the contents of a can of tuna fish, it is so unbelievable that it's almost like it happened yesterday. Come on! Are you telling me that you thought it was almost seven years ago that she asked Nick, "Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says 'Chicken by the Sea.' " That wasn't seven years ago, was it? It was?! It's amazing how some things just stick in your head. Obviously not things like what is chicken and what is fish for some people, but other things.

All I have to say is that it's a good thing those chicks are pretty.

And speaking of pretty chicks, this list wouldn't be complete (actually, it will never be complete; do you know how many morons were out there over the past ten years who couldn't keep their mouths shut?) without my favorite "regular person" quote probably ever. That person was Caitlin Upton. If you're scratching your head (please, just let it be your head) right now and wondering "Who?", I'll bet it would jog your memory if I told you that Ms. Upton was Miss Teen South Carolina in 2007. Ring a bell? Just in case, here's a recap:

During the question-y part (I believe that's the official name) of the Miss Teen USA Pageant, the following question was presented to Ms. Upton:

"Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

Now, mind you, if that had been me up there, my response would have been something along the lines of "WTF? Are you kidding me? Who told you that? Where do you get that statistic?!" (Of course, that would have been my response AFTER asking, "WTF am I doing up here in some sort of beauty pageant in the first place?!" But not Miss Teen South Carolina. Oh, no. This is the moment she has been practicing for. This is the moment that she has been going over and over and over in her head for...for...well, I'm guessing for a long time. She should be ready! She should be prepared! She should have thought about it longer because this was her response:

"I personally believe, that US Americans are unable to do so, because, uh, some...people out there, in our nation, don't have maps, and...uh I believe that our education, like such as in South Africa, and the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, our education over here, in the US, should help the US, or should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future... for our children."

Good Lord, miss. It's because some people "out there" don't have maps?! Well, clearly Britney doesn't, but what about everyone else? Is that really the reason? And did she really say "the Iraq"? Yep. Yep, she did! And you know, that was only two years ago, but it's still funny! Still. Very. Funny. I'm not sure if I should hope for an equal amount of amusement from quotable morons over the next ten years or not. (You know how I feel about the morons.) I suppose as long as it's only an equal number of mind boggling quotes and not a greater number, then we'll be OK. After all, I've long given up hoping that folks start wising up. It's better just to keep them at a distance and mock them from afar. It's very entertaining and much safer this way.

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Top 50 Comedy Catchphrases With Ridiculous Bonus Categories

As promised and/or teased, here is the complete list of the 'Top 50 Funniest TV Catchphrases", some of which are not funny and some of which are not catchphrases. But it IS a list, so they got at least one out of three right.

Top 50 comedy catchphrases

50. “Hello, Newman” from “Seinfeld”

49. “Missed it by that much” from “Get Smart”

48. “Yeah, that’s the ticket” from “Saturday Night Live”

47. “God’ll get you for that” from “Maude”

46. “Hey, Hey, Hey!” from “What’s Happening”

45. “Holy crap!” from “Everybody Loves Raymond”

44. “Let me show you something” from “In Living Color”

43. “Nip it” from “The Andy Griffith Show”

42. “Thank you beddy much” from “Taxi”

41. “Do you wanna hug it out” from “Entourage”

40. “Watch it sucka” from “Sanford and Son”

39. “Jane you ignorant slut” from “Saturday Night Live”

38. “Mom liked you best” from “The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour”

37. “Sit on it” from “Happy Days”

36. “Now cut that out” from “The Jack Benny Comedy Program”

35. “I’m Larry, this is my brother Darryl…” from “Newhart”

34. “What you see is what you get” from “The Flip Wilson Show”

33. “I’ve made a huge mistake” from “Arrested Development”

32. “I know nothing” from “Hogan’s Heroes”

31. “Here come de judge” from “Laugh In”

30. “You look marvelous” from “Saturday Night Live”

29. “I’m comin’ to join ya Elizabeth” from “Sanford and Son”

28. “Would you believe” from “Get Smart”

27. “Up your nose with a rubber hose” from “Welcome Back Kotter”

26. “Ohhhh Rob” from “The Dick Van Dyke Show”

25. “Kiss my grits” from “Alice"

24. “Nanu, Nanu” from “Mork and Mindy”

23. “Don’t be ridiculous” from “Perfect Strangers”

22. “I’m Gumby, damn it” from “Saturday Night Live”

21. “No soup for you” from “Seinfeld”

20. “One of these days, pow right in the kisser!” from “The Honeymooners”

19. “Did I do that?” from “Family Matters”

18. “Will you stifle” from “All in the Family”

17. “Eat my shorts” from “The Simpsons”

16. “Hated it” from “In Living Color”

15. “Well isn’t that special” from “Saturday Night Live”

14. “Sock it to me” from “Laugh In”

13. “We were on a break” from “Friends”

12. “That’s what she said” from “The Office”

11. “It’s going to be legendary” from “How I Met Your Mother”

10. “Homey don’t play dat” from “In Living Color”

9. “Excuuse me” from “Saturday Night Live”

8. “Lucy, you’ve got some splainin’ to do” from “I Love Lucy” (even though he never said it quite that way – the closest he came was “Lucy, splain” and “All right, start splainin’”)

7. “Oh my god! They killed Kenny” from “South Park”

6. “Burn” from “That ‘70s Show”

5. “We are two wild and crazy guys” from “Saturday Night Live”

4. “Ayyyy” from “Happy Days”

3. “How you doin’” from “Friends”

2. “D’oh” from “The Simpsons”

1. “Yada, yada, yada” from “Seinfeld”

Top 3 reality TV catchphrases

3. “The tribe has spoken” from “Survivor”

2. “That’s hot” from “The Simple Life"

1. “You’re fired” from “The Apprentice”

I suppose those three are just fine. After all, how many reality shows are there to choose from? Wait. Never mind. There just aren't that many with catchphrases that we'd have to choose from is what I think I'm saying. Seriously, when was the last time The Simple Life was on the air?

Top 3 game shows catchphrases

3. “Come on down” from “The Price is Right”

2. “Deal or no deal” from “Deal or No Deal”

1. “Is that your final answer” from “Who Wants to be a Millionaire”

But this list is all wrong! Anything from Deal or No Deal does not belong in the Top Three of this category. Somewhere on the list? Sure, I suppose. Top Three? I don't know, you tell me. Are you willing to bump "Survey says!" for "Deal or no deal?" Of course you're not. And to not have something from either Wheel of Fortune ("R S T L N E") or Jeopardy! ("This is Jeopardy!") seems like an abomination.

Top 3 science fiction catchphrases

3. “You’ve just crossed over into ‘The Twilight Zone’” from “The Twilight Zone”

2. “Trust no one” from “X-Files”

1. “Scotty, beam us up” from “Star Trek”

Again, leaving off something as iconic as "Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!" is just wrong.

Top 3 action adventure catchphrases

3. “One other thing…” from “Columbo”

2. “De plane! De plane!” from “Fantasy Island”

1. “Who loves ya, baby” from “Kojak”

Let me get this straight. You're going to include "Da plane! Da plane!" as uttered weekly by the vertically impaired Tattoo, but you're going to omit "Let's be careful out there" from Hill Street Blues? Are you kidding me? Who are you people?

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They're Not All Funny & They're Not All Catchphrases

I hate it when there is an article, particularly a list, the purports to give you a compilation of the X-number of Best/Funniest/Worst/Saddest/etc. blank of All Time/X-Year/Decade/Century/etc., but then gets it horribly, horribly wrong all the way through. It's even worse when the error riddled and poorly conceived list really had potential to be an excellent piece of journalistic brilliance. Instead it ends up being pretty crappy and really disappointing. The list of TVs 50 Funniest Catchphrases is an example of that sort of abomination.

Compiled by The Paley Center and NBC, "TV's 50 Funniest Phrases" aired on Wednesday and what you got was a list of catchphrases that are a) not always funny, and b) not always catchphrases. As you can expect (as is the case with any crappy list), the collection seemed to be heavily weighed down by NBC shows. Shocking, I know!

First of all, the list gets one of the 'catchphrases' completely wrong when it lists number 8 as "Lucy, you've got some splainin' to do" from I Love Lucy as supposedly said by Ricky Ricardo. Ricky never said, "Lucy, you've got some splainin' to do." Ricky said, "Lucy! Splain!" Or "All right...start splainin!" (For those of you unversed in Ricardo-ese, 'splain' is Ricardo-ese for 'explain'.) And really...number eight? For reals? It's funny, I'll totally give it that, but I don't know if it's Number Eight funny. At Number TWO they have "D'oh!" from The Simpsons. Again, while funny, I'm not sure it's Number Two funny.

The other Simpsons catchphrase that made it on the list is "Eat my shorts" at Number 17. Noticeably absent from the list was "Don't have a cow, man." I think I'd rank "Don't have a cow, man" instead of "Eat my shorts." This list IS titled Funniest catchphrases. "Don't have a cow" is funnier than eating ones shorts. And for that matter, so is "Aye, caramba!" But if you're going to leave out Mr. Burns sneering, "Excellent", you're going to have some splainin' to do. (Speaking of Mr. Burns (who looks strikingly like Prince Philip), "Release the hounds!" is one that I'd love to be able to say should be included in the Top 50, but for some reason, I know that it can't be. I don't know why that is, but I do know it to be true...funny as it may be and it certainly is!)

They've got "Nanu-nanu" from Mork and Mindy clocking in at Number 24. I don't know that "Nanu-nanu" is funny. I watched Mork and Mindy! I thought it was quite funny! (But even as a child, I knew that when they brought in Jonathan Winters to play Mork and Mindy's baby that hatched out of a giant egg (the laying of which was never fully explained) and then aged backwards, that was the time that the show had jumped the yet-to-be proverbial shark.) But what I don't understand is why-oh-why, as kids, that nanu-nanu handshake was so damn hard to do!! Are children's small little hands unable to easily part fingers between the F-U finger and the ring finger due to lack of full development or what? When we finally mastered that, we thought we were the coolest! (You find lots of things to do when growing up without the Internet, lemme tell ya.)

"I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl and this is my other brother Darryl" from Newhart came in at Number 35, which is a shame because just reading that made me laugh! Granted, that might be because my Dad had a stepbrother and both of their names were Larry, so the humor I find in it might have something to do with that, but I still find it funnier than Number-35-funny.

"Sock it to me" from Laugh In was Number Fourteen. I'll give that one catchphrase status, but I don't know if it qualifies for 'funny catchphrase' status. If you're going to include Laugh In (and you have to when talking about the 'Funniest' of something. It's right there in the name: LAUGH In! Its name denotes the funny!), why not go with Artie Johnson as a one German soldier Wolfgang, from behind some object, usually foliage, saying, "Veeeerrrrryyyyy interesting."? Why not that one?!

There were seven, yes seven, SEVEN 'funny catchphrases' from Saturday Night Live origins. Ahem...

48. "Yeah, that's the ticket."
39. "Jane, you ignorant slut."
30. "You look mah-velous."
22. "I'm Gumby, dammit."
15. "Well isn't that special?!"
9. "Excuuuuuuse me!"
5. "We are two wild and crazy guys!"

Now, I'm not too sure how I feel about having SNL quotes included in this list in the first place. I mean, it's a TV show, but it's a variety show. I differentiate between SNL and Laugh In because with the Laugh In phrase "Sock it to me", it was heard by a variety of people on various episodes. With SNL, the phrases were gone when the characters were gone. NOT that they're not funny. "Jane, you ignorant slut" is one of the funniest things I've ever heard. But I just don't know if they go in this list. (But if you are going to include SNL quotes, I would have chosen "Could it be...Satan?!" over the other Church Lady saying, "Well isn't that special?!") And I would not have included the Gumby quote on this list at all.)

But left out of the already questionable SNL section would be "Schwing!" and "Not!" "Not!" really caught on in mainstream dialog and is still popular to this day. "Schwing!" really caught on too, but then our parents figured out what it meant and that sort of hampered it from getting deeply embedded in culture-speak (though it is loosely embedded and will continue to be so).

There are some that are noticeably and inexcusably absent from this list. Where, may I ask, is "Dy-no-mite!"? Huh?! "Dy-no-mite!" is nowhere to be found. That was, for some inexplicable reason, extremely funny. Nope. Not there. Another noticeably absent catchphrase is "Whachoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Gone! Not there! Not included! IM-possible! How can you leave that one out?? And you're going to have "Hello, Newman" come in at Number Fifty, but you're not going to include "Hello!" as said by Squiggy on Laverne and Shirley?! Oh, the humanity! Someone has some splainin' to do.

But seriously, how on earth can you be talking 'catchphrases' and the funniest ones at that, and leave out Janice Litman. Actually, Janice Litman Goralnik (née Hosenstein). Are you asking who? Trust me. You know who she is. And her catchphrase was actually that. A catchphrase. And every episode that she was on, you could count on her saying it in her high pitched, nasally, oh-so-annoying way that she did and it would make you laugh EVERY TIME. Come on! Janice! From 'Friends'! "Oh. My. God." EVERY. Time. Still funny. Still. Funny. I am glad that they did get the other catchphrases from 'Friends' right, those being Ross and his constant bemoaning that "We were on a break!" And Joey's timeless pickup line (which would work on me) of "How YOU doin'?" Both excellent. Both funny. Very. Funny.

But here's the main problem with I have with this list: The Number One Funniest Catchphrase is "Yada, yada, yada" from Seinfeld. I watched Seinfeld. I loved Seinfeld. "Yada, yada, yada" was NOT, repeat, NOT a catchphrase. It made an appearance ONCE! ONE time! In ONE show! It wasn't said on any other episodes (with the possible exception of the final episode in which they brought back every character that ever stepped foot on Seinfeld set, so it's possible they brought back every one liner that managed to catch on in pop culture as well). You can't call something a "catchphrase" if it's only said in ONE episode! That's NOT a catchphrase! It's FUNNY, but not a catchphrase! You know what it IS?! That's right! A PHRASE! Just a phrase!

For those of you unfamiliar with the Seinfeld-ism, what are you? Living under a rock? Basically, it's an off shoot or a synonym for blah-blah-blah, a phrase used to indicate that someone said something, but the content of what they said is unimportant to the story being told, so blah-blah-blah is inserted where the insignificant dialogue would have been. Personally, I prefer wah-wah-wah over blah-blah-blah and yada, yada, yada. (And no, I don't know why I hyphenate two of those and comma-ize the other, so just hold your emails, people.)

You know, what I find hilarious about the phrase "yada, yada, yada" is that people will shorten it to "yada, yada" when talking ABOUT the phrase, but when actually USING the phrase, the third "yada" is necessary. How weird is that? Like in the ONE Seinfeld episode which showcased "yada, yada, yada", George said, "You can't yada yada sex." To which Elaine replied, "I've yada yada'ed sex." I just find it odd, is all. Very odd.

And they had a 2-hour 'special' on NBC to fill air time with this crap? The list itself was painful enough just reading, I can't imagine having to watch this atrocity take shape. To watch it would have been akin to waterboarding! (All right, maybe not THAT bad. Oh, FINE! It's not even CLOSE to waterboarding! It's nothing like it! There! Happy?!) I don't know who the tool was who came up with this list, but you can't have the Number One thing on a list not even be one of the things the list is about! Everyone knows THAT!!

Well, almost everyone.

The entire list can be viewed in the post following this one. I'm sure that I left out some of the ones that were noticeably left out, so feel free to let me know which ones those were. Also included, as a completely idiotic bonus, will be the other inane lists (which consist of THREE each) of top reality TV, game show, science-fiction and action-adventure catchphrases. They got those wrong too.

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Words of the Week

It hasn't been too bad of a week for people to say things that either make me laugh or make me wonder how the person has managed to keep themselves alive all of these years. It's also made me realize what a clueless, fast talking snake Nancy Pelosi is. How did she get to be Speaker of the House? How? How did that happen?! From what I can tell, there is no one more pleased with Nancy Pelosi than Nancy Pelosi. But, then again, I don't think her level of expectation is all the high so...you know. Take that for what it's worth. (Nothing. It's worth NOTHING.)

"And then I thought about Mandela, Dr. King, Gandhi and, uh, and try to put some perspective in all of this." - The now former Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich when he was on his whirlwind morning television media tour before his impeachment trial began. The man is being charged with corruption up the wazoo (and if you've ever had corruption up your wazoo, you know it's not pretty) and he not only has the balls to deny the charges on every single TV show that will have him as he plays the victim role, he also compares himself to Nelson Mandela?! Dr. Martin Luther King?! Freaking Gandhi?!? Yeah, they're the same.

"We do encourage breast feeding a lot. And she is planning to breast feed the babies." - That from one of the doctors who delivered the octuplets that were born in Southern California this week. Um, being female, I'm going to do the anatomical math here. Let's see, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven...eight. Eight children. Just a second....one....two. Two breasts. Yep, that's going to be a problem. It's breast feeding, not udder feeding. Good luck with that.

"And as we rounded the corner, I saw one of the angriest and ugliest women I have ever seen in my life. Oh, she was really bad. She charged my car with a sign...held the sign right up to the car window that said, "STAY OUT OF MY WOMB!" NO problem, lady! No problem." - That's George H.W. Bush speaking to some group of people somewhere this week. That's hilarious. Now that guy can tell a pretty good story. Too bad his son didn't inherit that trait.

"Can you imagine what they would do to me if I told that joke that he just told?" - A one Bill Clinton, lamenting that just because he slept with that ONE intern (that we know about) the topic of women as joke material and/or fodder is off limits for him, but free game for anyone else. Hey, Bill! Just be glad no one knows about the others, all right? You wouldn't get to speak about anything if that got out! (Oh, but I kid! There's no "proof" that he was trading cigars with anyone else whilst he was President. Nope. None. Then again, there's no "proof" that his wife has a human soul, but..well, you see what I'm saying, right?)

"If you're saying those things, you should be WAY hotter." - Seth Myers from Saturday Night Live on David Letterman's little late night show. Seth was comparing Joe Biden to one of those really hot women that tend to say inappropriate things and whose husband/boyfriend/escort/whatever always has to give them some sort of a sign to pipe down. Seth mentioned Obama has this little hand move that he does when Biden has said just about enough. And then he said that quote is probably what runs through Obama's mind when Biden starts to go off on one of his ten minute tangents. (We might not have W in the White House anymore to feed us an endless supply of amusing verbage, but I have the feeling ol' Veep Biden will do just fine.)

"Well, the family planning services reduce cost...They reduce COST. The states are in terrible...fiscal, uh, budget crises now and part of what we do for children's health...for education...for some of those elements is to help the states....meet their financial needs... One of those, uh, one of the initiatives you mentioned, the contraception, is...will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government." (Nod...Nod...Nod.)" - That blather from a one snakelike creature, Nancy Pelosi, in response to George Stephanopoulus's question as to how on earth contraception (which was in the new "stimulus package") will stimulate the economy. Yep. THAT was her answer. What the hell?! That answer is what I am referring to as an iPod Shuffle answer. You know how you can put your iPod on 'Shuffle' and it just plays random songs for you? That's how Nancy Pelosi formed her answer. She put her vocabulary on shuffle and those words flew out of her mouth! It's the head nodding that just slays me. It's as if she is trying to get George to agree with her simply because he sees her head moving in that up and down direction and will think, "Oh! Nodding! I know nodding! Nodding is good! Good! Good!!" Ugh.

And finally...."Apostrophes denote possessions that are no longer accurate, and are not needed. More importantly, they confuse people. If I want to go to a restaurant, I don't want to have an A-level (high school diploma) in English to find it." - This said by a one Councilor Martin Mullaney of Birmingham on why the second largest city in England has decided to drop the use of the apostrophe from all street signs. Their rationale is that it's confusing. Given Mr. Mullaney's explanation, I'm confused. I'm confused as to why they're removing the apostrophe from street signs, but he's telling us about needing a high school diploma in order to read a menu at a restaurant. Yes, I can see how the apostrophe would contribute to your getting so confused that you're ordering your food off of a street sign. What does that have to do with anything? Where is this restaurant with the overly confusing menu? Einstein's Cafe? Quantum Physics Deli? Where?

We're doomed.

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