Quotes That Make You Go "Huh?"

So....many...morons! Head...might....explode! You know, it's really easy to narrow things down to just one year. But when you expand that to ten years (because you're falling into the hype of the end of a decade as if it's the end of the world or something) and your list is the worst of something within those ten years? Yeah, if you make a list like that, you must have really done something idiotic. And while some things might be entirely idiotic, sometimes there's just too narrow of a category to warrant making a list (ie, probably should have found those WMDs first and then invaded). That's when what you're going to want to do is to take the contents of your list (ie, "Attack!") and expand the category (ie, Really Moronic Things People Have Said in the Past 10 Years). And while that might seem like a vast and wide topic to try and really come up with an accurate list, trust me. In this case, it can be done. Hoo-boy, can it be done.

I suppose I could start with the Governor of this fine state of California. The Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, gave an interview with right-right-right-right-right-wing radio host Sean Hannity in 2003 when Schwarzenegger was campaigning to be Governor of "Cali-FOR-nia" (as he says). When the topic of gay marriage came up (as it inevitably always will in any discussion about Cali-FOR-nia), the soon-to-be Governator said, "I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman." I see. Um, perhaps someone could clue him in on what exactly a gay marriage entails? That would be helpful.

Joe Biden is always good for a really moronic quote and he did not disappoint on September 10, 2008 when he was campaigning in Columbia, Missouri and wanted Senator Chuck Graham to stand up so that he could be recognized for the hard work that he had been doing for the Obama Biden campaign. Biden calls out, "Chuck, stand up, let the people see you." That's easier said than done if you're Senator Graham as the man is in a wheelchair. Now granted, Joe Biden immediately realized all of that standing up that he had requested wasn't going to be happening and he did a pretty good job of backtracking or fast talking or whatever it was that he did to get away from that comment, but still. Always make sure that your constituents have the ability to walk before asking them to stand before a very large group of people. Always.

There's no way I could be compiling a list of most moronic things folks have said over the past ten years without having at least one from former President George W. Bush. The problem was choosing only one. But I think I've done it. I think I can safely say that this is my favorite GW quote ever. The context of the speech he was giving at the time is unclear to me (though it does says "Pledge Across America" all over the board behind him, if that helps anyone out), but the content was very clear. Er, not clear. Er, well, I think we all know what he was trying to say, but no one can quite figure out how he messed it up. He said: "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." Um, yeah. What now?

And while that's relatively amusing on it's own accord in print like that, you really can't fully appreciate the beauty of it without seeing/hearing it for yourself. Behold!

Now that's something! I'm not sure exactly what, but it's definitely something!

But enough of politicians already. Let's move onto pop tarts, shall we? First up, we have a one Britney Spears. Now, Miss Spears has never really been known for her intellect. No, she's been known more for her fantastic voice, marrying Fresno's favorite son, Kevin Federline, and also shaving her head bald and attacking some sort of motor vehicle with an umbrella. (To this day, it's still really unclear just what, exactly, the vehicle did to her to warrant such a beating.) Really, it should come as no surprise that she's not all that well versed in the concept of geography, should it? No, it shouldn't. That's how we can explain her statement back in 2004 of "I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." Now, now! Before we all rush to judgment, perhaps she was on a boat when she said that. Or perhaps she was in Europe! What's that? No? Neither of those? Smack dab in the middle of the mainland, eh? Huh. Unfortunate.

Well, at least that quotation kind of explains this next quote of Britney's. I don't know what all she was up to in between 2004 and 2007, but it didn't seem to involve any sort of an atlas because she was also heard to say, "I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa." That's perplexing on so many levels. Japan, a country where the sole activity (pun kind of intended) is eating fish. A fact of which you must be aware of if you're ever traveling...to...Africa? Right. Um...yeah, I don't rightly know what to say about all of that.

But what is it with these pop singers and their lack of geographical awareness? Take Christina Aguilera. Perhaps she was just trying to avoid showing up in the wrong place when she inquired "So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?" Tell you what, Christina. How about you just give it a moment of thought (we'll wait!) and see what you come up with. Take your time! Sometimes, the most obvious answer is the one that's often overlooked!

I'm kind of going to guess that some of these blonde pop tart singer chicks all know each other? They seem to have a few things in common in the smarts department. Take Jessica Simpson, for example. No, not one of Bart's younger sisters (those are Lisa and Maggie). Jessica Simpson is the hottie who was married to Nick Lachey for a while. (After they split and he realized his meal ticket split with her, he ended up hosting or being on Dancing With the Stars, which isn't bad work if you can get it, from what I hear.) And even though they've been divorced for a while now, and even though it was back in October of 2003 when she became confused over the contents of a can of tuna fish, it is so unbelievable that it's almost like it happened yesterday. Come on! Are you telling me that you thought it was almost seven years ago that she asked Nick, "Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says 'Chicken by the Sea.' " That wasn't seven years ago, was it? It was?! It's amazing how some things just stick in your head. Obviously not things like what is chicken and what is fish for some people, but other things.

All I have to say is that it's a good thing those chicks are pretty.

And speaking of pretty chicks, this list wouldn't be complete (actually, it will never be complete; do you know how many morons were out there over the past ten years who couldn't keep their mouths shut?) without my favorite "regular person" quote probably ever. That person was Caitlin Upton. If you're scratching your head (please, just let it be your head) right now and wondering "Who?", I'll bet it would jog your memory if I told you that Ms. Upton was Miss Teen South Carolina in 2007. Ring a bell? Just in case, here's a recap:

During the question-y part (I believe that's the official name) of the Miss Teen USA Pageant, the following question was presented to Ms. Upton:

"Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

Now, mind you, if that had been me up there, my response would have been something along the lines of "WTF? Are you kidding me? Who told you that? Where do you get that statistic?!" (Of course, that would have been my response AFTER asking, "WTF am I doing up here in some sort of beauty pageant in the first place?!" But not Miss Teen South Carolina. Oh, no. This is the moment she has been practicing for. This is the moment that she has been going over and over and over in her head for...for...well, I'm guessing for a long time. She should be ready! She should be prepared! She should have thought about it longer because this was her response:

"I personally believe, that US Americans are unable to do so, because, uh, some...people out there, in our nation, don't have maps, and...uh I believe that our education, like such as in South Africa, and the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, our education over here, in the US, should help the US, or should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future... for our children."

Good Lord, miss. It's because some people "out there" don't have maps?! Well, clearly Britney doesn't, but what about everyone else? Is that really the reason? And did she really say "the Iraq"? Yep. Yep, she did! And you know, that was only two years ago, but it's still funny! Still. Very. Funny. I'm not sure if I should hope for an equal amount of amusement from quotable morons over the next ten years or not. (You know how I feel about the morons.) I suppose as long as it's only an equal number of mind boggling quotes and not a greater number, then we'll be OK. After all, I've long given up hoping that folks start wising up. It's better just to keep them at a distance and mock them from afar. It's very entertaining and much safer this way.

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Dear 2009, Bye. Love, JibJab

How much do I love the folks over there at JibJab? I'll tell you what, I love them a whole heck of a lot right now. That's because it's the end of the year and I'll fully admit that I'm half assing it here at best! Don't get me wrong. I'll be giving some attention to the alleged break-in at Jon Gosselin's apartment and what I think went on there (he's a media whore; he staged it himself). But I can't throw myself into that without making sure that proper homage is paid to this fine, fine year that we've just run through. Ahh, who am I kidding? This year blew. But at least the fine folks over there at JibJab have managed to summarize the whole suck-y year in one highly amusing video, complete with catchy tune and wacky lyrics. My favorite part? Probably the homage to the horrible individual, Octomom. Be on the lookout for that, as it is hil-arious. But enough of my rambling. (If I'm going to claim that I'm half-assing it, I've gotta keep it short!) I give to you, courtesy of the geniuses (or is it genii?) over there at JibJab, their original short "Never A Year Like '09". Behold!

PS If the damn video doesn't load (which is unfortunately all too often the case lately), please click here and watch it. I might be half assing it, but that doesn't mean that I won't be bringing you stuff that's fairly amusing.

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

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Top Ten Things You're Not Searching For

I've just glanced through the top Internet searches for 2009 on Google and on Yahoo! and I've come to this conclusion: The Internet is a toy which we use strictly for our enjoyment and pleasure. I've also concluded that while most folks are morons and judging strictly on what was searched for, folks that are searching on Yahoo! are simpletons compared to those searching on Google.

Let's just run down the Top Ten Searches for 2009 on Google first, shall we? In a very particular order, starting with Number Ten is something called Torpedo Gratis. I believe that translates roughly to "free torpedo". I would like a free torpedo. (It'd be a nice conversation piece. I never know what to say when I have company.) I have never thought of searching for one however. But since so many people did over the course of 2009, I figured I'd better check it out. It is a website in Brazil that allows you to send a free text message from your computer to a cell phone. I guess that's needed in Brazil. Hard to imagine it doing very well in the US.

Number Nine was equally puzzling to me, as it was something called Dantri.com.vn. It's in Vietnamese, so just looking at the page didn't help me a bit. But according to something called Xomba, "...it is a Vietnamese page where you can find news...Each news has its own headline that you can select to see the whole information." OK, so it's like a news aggregator t kind of a deal, only in Vietnamese. I get that. (Then again, Xomba could be lying. I don't know. It could be Vietnamese human trafficking and porn for all we know.)

Number Eight was Windows 7. Finally something I understand!

Number Seven was Lady Gaga. Crap. Right back to things I don't understand.

Number Six was New Moon (the sparkly vampire movie sequel thing to Twilight, the sparkly vampire movie original that started it all!).

Number Five was another head scratcher. It was something called Sanalika and according to the European Tech Crunch it is "a virtual world where you can play multiplayer games and join realtime events. It was launched on November 2008 and has already reached over 3 million users." That doesn't help me understand why it's so popular, but it seems like it has to do with little anime characters, and no one can ever help me understand why those are so popular, so I'm just going to have to take The Google's word for it that folks like it.

Numbers Four, Three and Two perplex the heck out of me. Four is Twitter (which is perplexing in and of itself, I realize that, but stay with me here), Three is Tuenti (which I think is pronounced like "twenty" and is basically the Spanish Facebook) and Two is Facebook. Now, I understand that those sites are popular, but I don't understand why they would be so popular on a Google search that it would warrant them being the top second, third and fourth search for an entire year. I wouldn't have thought that so many people didn't know what they were that they needed to search for them. But I only thought that because I was wrong. Fortunately for me, I can use Google to actually search rather than using it to be lazy, which is what would account for this phenomenon.

Back to the Tech Crunch folks for the answer to this. They claim that "Most Turkish Internet users search for the domain or keyword of a website on Google then click on the first search result to go to the actual site." Wow. I don't understand. I thought computers were computers. Do they not have the automatic fill in thing with web browsers in Turkey? You type in the URL once and then it remembers it? Or better yet, they don't have bookmarks in Turkey? Y'all can't bookmark your damn Facebook and click on that? Instead you type "Facebook" into Google and then click on it. This is why Turkey is Turkey and the US is the US. No further explanation needed. What is wrong with people?

The Number One search on Google this year, if you haven't already figured it out, was Michael Jackson. It took the guy dying for people to want to pay attention to him again. That's pretty sad. I'm not saying that he didn't bring a lot of it upon himself, I'm just saying that it's pretty sad. I'd like to think that maybe if he had known how much people had liked him and how many people had liked him that he wouldn't have had nearly all of the issues that he had. But it's the answer to that and other questions that are much more important that can't be found through a Google search. The Google is to entertain you and me and to make Sergey and Larry a gazillion more dollars. That's it. That's the sole purpose of the Google. The Google is like the Internet version of The Oprah (only without the intermittent weight gain and the lesbian rumors about Gayle King). It's to entertain and to make money. Tomorrow I'll delve into how Yahoo! is just like The Google...only without the making money part.

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Not The Same Name

For some reason, the Social Security Administration likes to keep people updated on what the top baby names are for each year. It's sort of like Letterman's Top Ten List, only without Letterman, the funny jokes, Paul Schaeffer and his orchestra and a live studio audience. It's definitely not produced by World Wide Pants, either. Oh, and they also throw in a bunch of random facts about a bunch of names that aren't in the Top Ten. I can't quite figure out if having a kid whose name is in the Top Ten Baby Names for the year is a good thing or a bad thing. ON the one hand, it's nice that so many people can have the same tastes in names. You know, sort of some underlying common ground for everyone to relate to each other on. On the other hand, how are you going to feel when your kid is in school and his classmates all share maybe 6 different names between all of them? Not so special, that's how you'll feel. You've been warned. Now carry on.

For the past 10 years, Emily has been the number one baby name for girls. Ten years. Quite the reign you had going there, Emily. Not quite as long as Jennifer, which reigned from 1970 until 1985, when she was upended by that bitch, Jessica, but still a long time. But from 1909 until 1947, and with only a 6 year break until the eight year swan song from 1953 to 1961, the most popular baby name for girls? Mary.

That's 46 out of the last 100 years, the name Mary was the most popular name chosen for baby girls, a statistic that I find absolutely fascinating as I have only ever met/worked with one other Mary in my life. That's it. Granted, I came into the list when Mary was in 5th place overall, but still, you'd think that the country would be saturated with them, but I find just the opposite. Mary - A name as barren as the woman.

So your Top Ten female baby names for 2008, from 10th to 1st:

10 - Chloe; 9 - Elizabeth; 8 - Abigail (This is a fine name, but don't the majority of people just call the kid Abby? I think they do. I'm not real big on the whole nickname/name shortening thing. If you're going to call your kid Abby, why not just name her Abby? I don't get that.); 7 - Sophia (Look, I hear 'Sophia', I think 'Loren' and really, that's a frightening thought when I'm looking at a baby and thinking about Sophia Loren); 6 - Olivia (It's when the Top Ten most popular boys names begin to include "Newton" and "John" that the conspiracy theories will begin to abound); 5 - Ava (Heather Locklear named her daughter Ava and it wouldn't surprise me if that was the onset of it's popularity. People will do anything that a celebrity does if it doesn't involve doing it to themselves. Like naming a child.); 4 - Madison (Can only be attributed to either the mermaid in Splash or the Avenue and I'm going to have to go with the Avenue being more popular than Splash); 3 - Emily; 2 - Isabella (I hear 'Isabella' and I think 'Rossellini' and really, can you go wrong with Isabella Rossellini? I don't think you can. And she might be only Number Two on this list, but Ross on 'Friends' put her first on his "List of People I'm Allowed To Sleep With", though he ended up bumping her off in favor of Dorothy Hammill. What is it with you guys? Do you know they can't spin like that in bed?! Do you?!); 1 - Emma (Joined the Top Ten ranks when Rachel on 'Friends' named her baby that. A nice tribute is to name your baby after someone else, although it helps if that person is actually real and you actually know them. I'm just sayin'.).

For the boys, the last ten years have been under the reign of Jacob who first took the title in 1999, taking it away from Michael who had reigned supreme from 1954 with only a 1 year break in 1960 when that bastard David slipped in there. 45 years, just one year shy of Mary. (It is a tough standard to meet. I freely admit that.) Before that, John, James and Robert all had stretches of around 15 years.

Your Top Ten male baby names for 2008, from 10th to 1st:

10 - Matthew: 9 - Christopher; 8 - William (I do not hear of many kids named William, do you? I'll take any variation on the theme, too. Will, Bill, etc. I just don't hear it. Although it does seem to be popular with sets of twins. Go figure.); 7 - Anthony; 6 - Alexander (First Anthony and now Alexander? Are Caesar and Brutus going to make an appearance in the Top Ten sometime soon? If so, do I get to say 'Et tu, Brute?' Please?); 5 - Daniel; 4 - Joshua; 3 - Ethan; 2 - Michael; 1 - Jacob.

So what happens when there are all of these kids that have the same name? Correct, parents start coming up with funky (translation: asinine) ways of spelling the name. Case in point: I went to school with a kid named Kevin, only it was spelled C-E-F-A-N. What the hell is that?! That's not KEVIN! All the world is not hooked on phonics! But there are eight, yes EIGHT, eight ways that people spell Brayden. Or Braden. Or Braden, Bradyn, Braeden, Braedon, Braiden, and/or Braydon. There are NINE different spellings of Jayden. Or Jaden. Or Jadon, Jaeden, Jaiden, Jaidyn, Jayda, Jaydin, and/or Jaydon. Eight ways for Kayden, Caden, Caiden, Cayden, Kaden, Kaeden, Kaiden, Kayden. Anything with that -AYDEN sound at the end has multiple spellings.

For girls, the funky spelling continues with names like Haley. Or Hailee. (Seriously? You're going to spell your kid's name like that? Do you want her to be a stripper?) Or Hailey, Hailie, Halle, Hallie, Haylee, Hayley, and/or Haylie. What the hell is wrong with just Haley? NOTHING! Yet people MUST go with the alternative spellings, not realizing the full consequences of their actions. Give a kid a name that's spelled weird and he or she will never be able to find personalized things with their name already on it. And when you're a kid, that's a big deal! To find your name on some little tin license plate souvenir when you've been schlepped across the country on what would amount to the Disastrous Family Vacation of Insert Year Here, that could be the highlight of your summer! But because you had to spell it like a stripper, that chance for vacation redemption is lost. Lost forever. I hope you're happy.

The one thing I really like this top baby name data for is so that I can be prepared for possible onslaughts of new and made up names. If you don't know what I'm talking about, please consult any NFL or NBA team's roster and you'll understand when you've read off multitudes of LaDanian's and LeBron's and Shatawnsha or DaMaskus, etc. Also be on the lookout for hyphens, apostrophes and accent marks. Some of the more unique names to have seen a surge in popularity are names for boys like Jacoby, Kane, Beckett, Paxton, Kale, August and Miles! Most excellent. Those are the more normal of the unique. There's also a surge in popularity for Kingston, Zayden, Maximus (When did we start naming our boys after dogs?!), Cash (probably the only way some folks figure they'll get any), Ezra, Romeo (If Juliet is on the girls list, that's it for me! America's Hat, here I come!), Mauricio, Maddox (damn you, Angelina Jolie!), Maximilian, Ezekiel (people like this because they call the kid Zeke. Then just name him Zeke, why don't ya!).Losing the most popularity among boys names is Aldo, followed by Branden and Osvaldo. Oh, please! When was Osvaldo HUGE?!

Girls names on the rise? That whore Khloe Kardashian has caused the name Khloe to surge. (Oh, wait. It's Kim Kardashian who is the whore. My mistake. Sorry. Didn't mean to unjustly whore ya there.) Marlee and Marley (Not because of that damn dog movie?! Say it ain't so!) and a bunch of names that, as I've said, are just made up. We have a surge in Jaslene, Dayana, Jimena (which looks like a cross between a jicama and a pimento. Though all I can think of is Eddie Murphy saying, "Jimena, Jimena, Jimena."), Teagan, Janiyah, Kimora, Jazlyn, Genesis (?), Ximena (cousin of Jimena), Fernanda, Janiya, and something spelled Aaliyah (I don't even know what that is).

But good news! Nevaeh, the name that just bugs the holy crap out of me, is dropping in popularity and not fast enough, that you very much! Nevaeh, in case you're unfamiliar, is the word 'heaven' spelled backwards. Now, isn't something that is backwards traditionally thought of as the opposite of that thing? I thought that's how it worked. There wasn't a memo or anything, but I thought it was general knowledge none the less. So the opposite of heaven would be? HELL! That is correct! Not exactly a loving moniker to bestow upon the latest addition to your brood! (And just a WARNING: If you search Google Images for 'Nevaeh', you're going to find yourself looking at a whole lot of porn. Yep. Nevaeh is a very porn-y name, apparently. Well, from the looks of it anyway.)

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Oscar is a Little Grouchy

Huh. It kind of seems like I've been picking on the fashion (or lack thereof) choices of those who are out and about in public. And I realize that I am neither out, nor about (and I loathe the public), but that's what makes it so easy! Besides, the Oscars were last night. You don't really think that I'm going to let an entire evening of Hollywood drama and fashion go uncommented on, do you? Well, I'm not. It's so fun!

Welcome to the 2009 Academy Awards! If they ever need a motto or a slogan, they should think about going with "We're not the Grammys and the Golden Globes was merely a test run!" That's because a lot of what you see at the Oscars looks really familiar. It's as if you had just seen it and in some cases, you sort of had! You saw it at the Golden Globes just a little while ago. Also at the Oscars, you're not usually going to get a lot of the outlandish outfits that you'd see at the Grammys. Oh, you'll get some, but they're usually not on purpose. Yeah, it's sad. So let's work our way through some of the travesty, shall we?

Here we have a one Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens of the 47 High School Musical films. Um, OK, they're young, so I'll give 'em a pass this year. But the mermaid in mourning look is not my favorite. She's adorable and seems to have a shapely bod, but it's hard to get past her looking like she just came from the Little Mermaid's funeral. I'm going to guess that maybe it was Zac's first time doing his own laundry and that is why his tux looks as if it has shrunk down to some sort of formal body suit. The little teeny bow-tie, the little teeny lapel, the little teeny jacket, the tapered pants, it's like he's a leprechaun in mourning.

Heath Ledger won the Best Supporting Actor Oscar and his family accepted the award on his behalf since he couldn't be there. (He's still busy being dead. You know, from being a dumbass and OD-ing last year. Yes, it's sad, but my sympathy is limited for things that really didn't have to happen.) And here they are vying for control of the statue. That's Heath's Mom over there on the left, doing her best impersonation of the role that won her son the award.

Next is a one Miley Cyrus of.....um....Miley Cyrus, I guess. Not the best choice. She looks like a rather pale, very toothy Christmas tree. What was she thinking? Yuletide greetings from the Kodak Theater?

There's Sarah Jessica Parker who decided to come to the Oscars dressed as Tinkerbell. She is shown alongside Melissa George who decided to come to the Oscars dressed as a jellyfish.
Now, you know that just like I was, you were afraid that Sophia Loren's face was going to fall off at some point, weren't you? Look at it! In other news, Sophia Loren is still alive. And in a related story, she still has a face.

I'm thinking that after the Oscars, maybe Mickey Rourke there could help Philip Seymour Hoffman knock over a liquor or something. They both seem to have the attire for it.

There's Jennifer Aniston and Tina Fey, both doing their very best Oscar impersonation. Is it just me or does Jennifer Aniston look scared to death? Either that or she's trying not to laugh because Sophia Loren's face just fell off.

Don't the lovely Sarah Jessica Parker and husband Matthew Broderick look so relaxed and oh-so comfortable? Yeah, not so much. What's up with that? I know it's Hollywood and all, but they're looking fake even for Hollywood. (Now, I'm not one for fashion tips or anything, but this isn't really fashion so much. When one is trying to have it appear as if one's cleavage is perky and taut (and thereby defying all laws of physics and/or gravity), one might want to examine one's cleavage in said outfit and decide of Cleavage One is so far away from Cleavage Two that you'd think there were magnetic forces in each one, pushing them as far away from each other as possible. If that is the case, please either consider making them seem closer together or just get over yourself. They're not even close to being in anything close to a natural position. I want to know how many tubes of Super Glue it took to get them up there. It looks like they're on an invisible shelf. She's practically pouring over the top and then there's absolutely nothing underneath. I found it quite comical.)

There was a theme at the Golden Globes of women wearing a gown that just seemed to blend right into their skin color. You couldn't tell where the dress ended and the person began. That unattractive motif made it's way to the Oscars via Jessica Biel, Evan Rachel Wood and the lovely Anne Hathaway. Ladies, could I have your attention for a moment? I'd like to introduce you to someone. Meet....THE SUN!!

It's nice to see Sean Penn and his lovely wife Robin Wright Penn together, especially since they had filed for divorce last year but then called it off. Note to Sean Penn: Look at her. I have no idea what your differences were or are, but for God's sake man, look at her! Whatever those differences may be (and again, look at her!), I'm sure they can be worked out if they haven't been already. Have you seen your wife? Have you seen you? My point. She's excellent.

What was Whoopi thinking? I'm thinking she should have changed her name to Whoops if she was going to wear that. (Is she having octuplets? What's with the tent?)

Beyonce and her "I'm an Oscar Mermaid" dress. Was there some sort of an 'Under the Sea' theme that I didn't know about this year?

Here's the not too heavy (despite the comments of some crazy and nearsighted fashion designer) Heidi Klum and her husband, Sea Otter.

Hey! How'd OctoMom get into the Oscars?!

Oh. Whoops. Sorry, Brad. My mistake. (Yeah, that chick could have had a million bucks worth of plastic surgery and she wouldn't come out looking half as good as stoic, plastic Angelina Jolie does.)

The Oscars! 2009! Thank you for playing! Can we go back to our recession now?

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