Ban ALL The Words!

Well, it's happened. We've come off the rails again. I had no idea there were so many rails that we were on that we could so easily slip off of. Today's rail is that of sensibility and it's in New York. The falling off took place when it was decided that certain words should be banned from appearing on tests in the city's schools. Yes. They're banning words. And the words that they're banning? Well, let's just say that you don't have to worry about your kid getting offended by seeing 'dinosaurs' on a test. Wait. What now?

Correct. The word 'dinosaur' cannot appear on any of the tests because what if, God forbid, a fundamentalist child saw that and became upset? (I guess fundamentalists don't go for the idea of dinosaurs or Jesus ponies or whatever they refer to them as? Makes me wonder how they explain all of those big bones that we're constantly digging up out of the earth. They're from dinosaurs. And just because you don't believe a fact, that doesn't make it not true!) Look, you believe whatever you want, but could it at least be based in fact? Kids LOVE dinosaurs. If you can't handle having your precious little snowflake see the word 'dinosaur' on a test at school, lest he be beset by the devil, I'm going to have to suggest that you seriously consider homeschooling your snowflakes. That's insane. Yet New York City schools are bowing to that idea (that I can't imagine would ever happen), so who's crazier here? It's hard to say, but I'm thinking the schools might win that one.

You also won't be finding any references to birthdays on tests because Jehovah's Witnesses don't do birthdays and they are apparently so dainty and fragile that even just seeing the word on a test might cause them irreparable harm. Or something. Again, if your little snowflake can't be exposed to just the word birthday, then you have to home school. But again, I don't get the impression that any of these things are actually problems. No, the real problem is the people who came up with this crap.

You can't shield children from everything that they might be offended at! And actually, exposing them to things that they might conceivably possibly ever find offensive and letting them figure out how to deal with that doesn't seem like such a bad idea. Unless you're the New York City school system. Then it's a terrible idea. Banning words is much more logical.

Want to know what else you can't have on a test in New York City? Well, you can't have the word "Halloween" because it might suggest paganism. Tell you what. You show me a room of third graders. Actually, make it any elementary age children. Show me a room of those children and ask them to write one word that they think of when they hear "Halloween". If ONE child writes down "paganism" then you win! But do you know the chances of that actually happening? ZERO. That is correct! So WHY are they doing this? No one is willing to give an answer!

You aren't allowed to reference "computers in the home" because those without computers in the home might feel excluded. You can't reference wealth because poor kids might be sad. Oh, but you can't mention poverty because then the poor kids WILL be sad and feel singled out. Good Lord. People are different! This is supposed to be a school system! Are they trying to send the message that everyone is the same?! Because I have news for them! They're NOT. You can try to get that message across, but I wouldn't exactly put that in the same category as I would teaching.

According to the New York Post, "Homes with swimming pools and computers are also unmentionables here — because of economic sensitivities". Economic sensitivities? You know, I have dumbass sensitivities. I'm very sensitive about dumbasses. They make me crazy and I want to physically harm them (possibly by punching them in the neck). Where do I get help? Can the New York City schools help me? What's that? They are the dumbasses? Oh. That's right. They're not going to be of much help. To me or ANY of their students, apparently, if this is how they do things.

You can click here if you'd like the full list of what cannot go on tests in New York City schools. But I'm just going to prattle of a few more because it's fun. (Well, it's fun right up until I get a headache. You know. Because of all the dumbassery going on here.) You can't say/use:


Geological history. (Because...people are...sensitive about...facts? I got nothing for this one. God forbid if there's a little learning that happens when you're trying to teach someone something.)

Cigarettes and smoking paraphernalia. (So...no bongs?)

Dancing, though ballet is acceptable. (Is New York turning into that town in Footloose? How is ballet acceptable if you're going to exclude all other forms of dance? Wouldn't certain religious groups have a problem with ballet because of how scantily clad the ridiculously underweight toe-standers are? How does that work?)

Homlessness. (So...no questions like "Five hobos were living under a bridge. Two died of cirrhosis that was brought on by their excessive drinking. How many hobos are left?")

Religious holidays and festivals (including but not limited to Christmas, Yom Kippur, and Ramadan) (You know how I feel about the war on Christmas. I don't like it and I want to slowly choke those who think that just the mention of Christmas is going to set off some sort of holy war between inner city youth.)

Homes with swimming pools (So, no Beverly Hillbillies? They had swimmin' pools AND movie stars. Wait. I think...yep. References to celebrities are banned too. And the Clampetts were poor and then they were rich. They cover a multitude of banned words! Who knew that referencing the Beverly Hillbillies would draw such ire. Such stupid, stupid ire.)

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Top 50 Comedy Catchphrases With Ridiculous Bonus Categories

As promised and/or teased, here is the complete list of the 'Top 50 Funniest TV Catchphrases", some of which are not funny and some of which are not catchphrases. But it IS a list, so they got at least one out of three right.

Top 50 comedy catchphrases

50. “Hello, Newman” from “Seinfeld”

49. “Missed it by that much” from “Get Smart”

48. “Yeah, that’s the ticket” from “Saturday Night Live”

47. “God’ll get you for that” from “Maude”

46. “Hey, Hey, Hey!” from “What’s Happening”

45. “Holy crap!” from “Everybody Loves Raymond”

44. “Let me show you something” from “In Living Color”

43. “Nip it” from “The Andy Griffith Show”

42. “Thank you beddy much” from “Taxi”

41. “Do you wanna hug it out” from “Entourage”

40. “Watch it sucka” from “Sanford and Son”

39. “Jane you ignorant slut” from “Saturday Night Live”

38. “Mom liked you best” from “The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour”

37. “Sit on it” from “Happy Days”

36. “Now cut that out” from “The Jack Benny Comedy Program”

35. “I’m Larry, this is my brother Darryl…” from “Newhart”

34. “What you see is what you get” from “The Flip Wilson Show”

33. “I’ve made a huge mistake” from “Arrested Development”

32. “I know nothing” from “Hogan’s Heroes”

31. “Here come de judge” from “Laugh In”

30. “You look marvelous” from “Saturday Night Live”

29. “I’m comin’ to join ya Elizabeth” from “Sanford and Son”

28. “Would you believe” from “Get Smart”

27. “Up your nose with a rubber hose” from “Welcome Back Kotter”

26. “Ohhhh Rob” from “The Dick Van Dyke Show”

25. “Kiss my grits” from “Alice"

24. “Nanu, Nanu” from “Mork and Mindy”

23. “Don’t be ridiculous” from “Perfect Strangers”

22. “I’m Gumby, damn it” from “Saturday Night Live”

21. “No soup for you” from “Seinfeld”

20. “One of these days, pow right in the kisser!” from “The Honeymooners”

19. “Did I do that?” from “Family Matters”

18. “Will you stifle” from “All in the Family”

17. “Eat my shorts” from “The Simpsons”

16. “Hated it” from “In Living Color”

15. “Well isn’t that special” from “Saturday Night Live”

14. “Sock it to me” from “Laugh In”

13. “We were on a break” from “Friends”

12. “That’s what she said” from “The Office”

11. “It’s going to be legendary” from “How I Met Your Mother”

10. “Homey don’t play dat” from “In Living Color”

9. “Excuuse me” from “Saturday Night Live”

8. “Lucy, you’ve got some splainin’ to do” from “I Love Lucy” (even though he never said it quite that way – the closest he came was “Lucy, splain” and “All right, start splainin’”)

7. “Oh my god! They killed Kenny” from “South Park”

6. “Burn” from “That ‘70s Show”

5. “We are two wild and crazy guys” from “Saturday Night Live”

4. “Ayyyy” from “Happy Days”

3. “How you doin’” from “Friends”

2. “D’oh” from “The Simpsons”

1. “Yada, yada, yada” from “Seinfeld”

Top 3 reality TV catchphrases

3. “The tribe has spoken” from “Survivor”

2. “That’s hot” from “The Simple Life"

1. “You’re fired” from “The Apprentice”

I suppose those three are just fine. After all, how many reality shows are there to choose from? Wait. Never mind. There just aren't that many with catchphrases that we'd have to choose from is what I think I'm saying. Seriously, when was the last time The Simple Life was on the air?

Top 3 game shows catchphrases

3. “Come on down” from “The Price is Right”

2. “Deal or no deal” from “Deal or No Deal”

1. “Is that your final answer” from “Who Wants to be a Millionaire”

But this list is all wrong! Anything from Deal or No Deal does not belong in the Top Three of this category. Somewhere on the list? Sure, I suppose. Top Three? I don't know, you tell me. Are you willing to bump "Survey says!" for "Deal or no deal?" Of course you're not. And to not have something from either Wheel of Fortune ("R S T L N E") or Jeopardy! ("This is Jeopardy!") seems like an abomination.

Top 3 science fiction catchphrases

3. “You’ve just crossed over into ‘The Twilight Zone’” from “The Twilight Zone”

2. “Trust no one” from “X-Files”

1. “Scotty, beam us up” from “Star Trek”

Again, leaving off something as iconic as "Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!" is just wrong.

Top 3 action adventure catchphrases

3. “One other thing…” from “Columbo”

2. “De plane! De plane!” from “Fantasy Island”

1. “Who loves ya, baby” from “Kojak”

Let me get this straight. You're going to include "Da plane! Da plane!" as uttered weekly by the vertically impaired Tattoo, but you're going to omit "Let's be careful out there" from Hill Street Blues? Are you kidding me? Who are you people?

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They're Not All Funny & They're Not All Catchphrases

I hate it when there is an article, particularly a list, the purports to give you a compilation of the X-number of Best/Funniest/Worst/Saddest/etc. blank of All Time/X-Year/Decade/Century/etc., but then gets it horribly, horribly wrong all the way through. It's even worse when the error riddled and poorly conceived list really had potential to be an excellent piece of journalistic brilliance. Instead it ends up being pretty crappy and really disappointing. The list of TVs 50 Funniest Catchphrases is an example of that sort of abomination.

Compiled by The Paley Center and NBC, "TV's 50 Funniest Phrases" aired on Wednesday and what you got was a list of catchphrases that are a) not always funny, and b) not always catchphrases. As you can expect (as is the case with any crappy list), the collection seemed to be heavily weighed down by NBC shows. Shocking, I know!

First of all, the list gets one of the 'catchphrases' completely wrong when it lists number 8 as "Lucy, you've got some splainin' to do" from I Love Lucy as supposedly said by Ricky Ricardo. Ricky never said, "Lucy, you've got some splainin' to do." Ricky said, "Lucy! Splain!" Or "All right...start splainin!" (For those of you unversed in Ricardo-ese, 'splain' is Ricardo-ese for 'explain'.) And really...number eight? For reals? It's funny, I'll totally give it that, but I don't know if it's Number Eight funny. At Number TWO they have "D'oh!" from The Simpsons. Again, while funny, I'm not sure it's Number Two funny.

The other Simpsons catchphrase that made it on the list is "Eat my shorts" at Number 17. Noticeably absent from the list was "Don't have a cow, man." I think I'd rank "Don't have a cow, man" instead of "Eat my shorts." This list IS titled Funniest catchphrases. "Don't have a cow" is funnier than eating ones shorts. And for that matter, so is "Aye, caramba!" But if you're going to leave out Mr. Burns sneering, "Excellent", you're going to have some splainin' to do. (Speaking of Mr. Burns (who looks strikingly like Prince Philip), "Release the hounds!" is one that I'd love to be able to say should be included in the Top 50, but for some reason, I know that it can't be. I don't know why that is, but I do know it to be true...funny as it may be and it certainly is!)

They've got "Nanu-nanu" from Mork and Mindy clocking in at Number 24. I don't know that "Nanu-nanu" is funny. I watched Mork and Mindy! I thought it was quite funny! (But even as a child, I knew that when they brought in Jonathan Winters to play Mork and Mindy's baby that hatched out of a giant egg (the laying of which was never fully explained) and then aged backwards, that was the time that the show had jumped the yet-to-be proverbial shark.) But what I don't understand is why-oh-why, as kids, that nanu-nanu handshake was so damn hard to do!! Are children's small little hands unable to easily part fingers between the F-U finger and the ring finger due to lack of full development or what? When we finally mastered that, we thought we were the coolest! (You find lots of things to do when growing up without the Internet, lemme tell ya.)

"I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl and this is my other brother Darryl" from Newhart came in at Number 35, which is a shame because just reading that made me laugh! Granted, that might be because my Dad had a stepbrother and both of their names were Larry, so the humor I find in it might have something to do with that, but I still find it funnier than Number-35-funny.

"Sock it to me" from Laugh In was Number Fourteen. I'll give that one catchphrase status, but I don't know if it qualifies for 'funny catchphrase' status. If you're going to include Laugh In (and you have to when talking about the 'Funniest' of something. It's right there in the name: LAUGH In! Its name denotes the funny!), why not go with Artie Johnson as a one German soldier Wolfgang, from behind some object, usually foliage, saying, "Veeeerrrrryyyyy interesting."? Why not that one?!

There were seven, yes seven, SEVEN 'funny catchphrases' from Saturday Night Live origins. Ahem...

48. "Yeah, that's the ticket."
39. "Jane, you ignorant slut."
30. "You look mah-velous."
22. "I'm Gumby, dammit."
15. "Well isn't that special?!"
9. "Excuuuuuuse me!"
5. "We are two wild and crazy guys!"

Now, I'm not too sure how I feel about having SNL quotes included in this list in the first place. I mean, it's a TV show, but it's a variety show. I differentiate between SNL and Laugh In because with the Laugh In phrase "Sock it to me", it was heard by a variety of people on various episodes. With SNL, the phrases were gone when the characters were gone. NOT that they're not funny. "Jane, you ignorant slut" is one of the funniest things I've ever heard. But I just don't know if they go in this list. (But if you are going to include SNL quotes, I would have chosen "Could it be...Satan?!" over the other Church Lady saying, "Well isn't that special?!") And I would not have included the Gumby quote on this list at all.)

But left out of the already questionable SNL section would be "Schwing!" and "Not!" "Not!" really caught on in mainstream dialog and is still popular to this day. "Schwing!" really caught on too, but then our parents figured out what it meant and that sort of hampered it from getting deeply embedded in culture-speak (though it is loosely embedded and will continue to be so).

There are some that are noticeably and inexcusably absent from this list. Where, may I ask, is "Dy-no-mite!"? Huh?! "Dy-no-mite!" is nowhere to be found. That was, for some inexplicable reason, extremely funny. Nope. Not there. Another noticeably absent catchphrase is "Whachoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Gone! Not there! Not included! IM-possible! How can you leave that one out?? And you're going to have "Hello, Newman" come in at Number Fifty, but you're not going to include "Hello!" as said by Squiggy on Laverne and Shirley?! Oh, the humanity! Someone has some splainin' to do.

But seriously, how on earth can you be talking 'catchphrases' and the funniest ones at that, and leave out Janice Litman. Actually, Janice Litman Goralnik (née Hosenstein). Are you asking who? Trust me. You know who she is. And her catchphrase was actually that. A catchphrase. And every episode that she was on, you could count on her saying it in her high pitched, nasally, oh-so-annoying way that she did and it would make you laugh EVERY TIME. Come on! Janice! From 'Friends'! "Oh. My. God." EVERY. Time. Still funny. Still. Funny. I am glad that they did get the other catchphrases from 'Friends' right, those being Ross and his constant bemoaning that "We were on a break!" And Joey's timeless pickup line (which would work on me) of "How YOU doin'?" Both excellent. Both funny. Very. Funny.

But here's the main problem with I have with this list: The Number One Funniest Catchphrase is "Yada, yada, yada" from Seinfeld. I watched Seinfeld. I loved Seinfeld. "Yada, yada, yada" was NOT, repeat, NOT a catchphrase. It made an appearance ONCE! ONE time! In ONE show! It wasn't said on any other episodes (with the possible exception of the final episode in which they brought back every character that ever stepped foot on Seinfeld set, so it's possible they brought back every one liner that managed to catch on in pop culture as well). You can't call something a "catchphrase" if it's only said in ONE episode! That's NOT a catchphrase! It's FUNNY, but not a catchphrase! You know what it IS?! That's right! A PHRASE! Just a phrase!

For those of you unfamiliar with the Seinfeld-ism, what are you? Living under a rock? Basically, it's an off shoot or a synonym for blah-blah-blah, a phrase used to indicate that someone said something, but the content of what they said is unimportant to the story being told, so blah-blah-blah is inserted where the insignificant dialogue would have been. Personally, I prefer wah-wah-wah over blah-blah-blah and yada, yada, yada. (And no, I don't know why I hyphenate two of those and comma-ize the other, so just hold your emails, people.)

You know, what I find hilarious about the phrase "yada, yada, yada" is that people will shorten it to "yada, yada" when talking ABOUT the phrase, but when actually USING the phrase, the third "yada" is necessary. How weird is that? Like in the ONE Seinfeld episode which showcased "yada, yada, yada", George said, "You can't yada yada sex." To which Elaine replied, "I've yada yada'ed sex." I just find it odd, is all. Very odd.

And they had a 2-hour 'special' on NBC to fill air time with this crap? The list itself was painful enough just reading, I can't imagine having to watch this atrocity take shape. To watch it would have been akin to waterboarding! (All right, maybe not THAT bad. Oh, FINE! It's not even CLOSE to waterboarding! It's nothing like it! There! Happy?!) I don't know who the tool was who came up with this list, but you can't have the Number One thing on a list not even be one of the things the list is about! Everyone knows THAT!!

Well, almost everyone.

The entire list can be viewed in the post following this one. I'm sure that I left out some of the ones that were noticeably left out, so feel free to let me know which ones those were. Also included, as a completely idiotic bonus, will be the other inane lists (which consist of THREE each) of top reality TV, game show, science-fiction and action-adventure catchphrases. They got those wrong too.

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ACRONYMS - A Collective Roster Of Names You Might See

I've been doing it all wrong. Not a shocking revelation to some (pipe down in the peanut gallery over there!), but at least this time I caught on fairly quickly. I don't need a some sort of repeat similar to the time when I thought that the alpaca needed a saddle. Don't ask. It's still quite embarrassing. (And still just a little bit sore, too. Damn alpaca.)

This time it's texting. Text message abbreviations and/or acronyms that, according to NetLingo.com every parent needs to know. I'm not so sure that they do. Some of them, sure. Some of them, not so much. Which ones are which? Probably the ones that kids (or even just PEOPLE) actually use would be the ones that would be the most helpful to know.

See, according to a lot of people, younger people, older people, just people, who have seen the list of "Top 50 Text Acronyms Parents Should Know", a lot of the acronyms on the all important list are things that they've never heard of or never seen used in a texting situation. And that is supposedly exploained by the founder of NetLingo.com, a one Erin Jansen, when she says, "This is stuff that's being used all across the Internet, in instant messaging, in chat rooms, in text messaging. There are spikes in the amount of usage for each acronym, and regional variations. Something that's being used on the West Coast, for example, won't be in the East, and the South may use terms that aren't common in the Pacific Northwest. And the Midwest is just a hotbed of this sex chat-room stuff."

Um, I've lived Midwest-ish. It's a lot of things. A "hotbed of this sex chat-room stuff" is not one of them. I think I would have known if it was. I found the Midwestish area to be cold. Thus, I would have loved a hotbed of any kind! But a hotbed of sex chat-room stuff? That sounds pretty toasty! But even if there isn't a sexy, Midwest hotbed, Jansen still holds to trying to make her list sound legitmate and important by saying, "It's a good overview of what parents ought to be aware of, even if their kids aren't going to these weird chat rooms, because kids pick them up anyway." Soooooo...what you're saying is that parents should be aware of what it is that their children are doing? Wow, I've never thought of that as something a parent should be doing. Thank God for NetLingo.com! Whatever.

"It's like when I was young and my friends and I looked up dirty words in the dictionary." Um, how old is she? And what kind of dictionary was this with all of these 'dirty words'? Like what? No way you're going to find the F-word in a dictionary during the days of yore! I could be wrong (again), but I don't think so. Oh! But maybe she's from the old-time-y Midwest where it was just a hotbed of sex dictionary stuff! Sounds like a rip-roarin' childhood she had there.

MYFOXATLANTA.com has the list. It's lame. It's laughably lame. I'm thinking perhaps it was composed by a teenager in the hopes that parents everywhere would learn this lingo that has nothing at all to do with anything that the teenagers are texting! Better yet would be if the parents started using this lingo themselves, thinking all the while how super-cool they were when in reality they were becoming bigger mega-dorks by the minute.

The list starts off with some numerical acronyms. They list "8" as standing for oral sex. What happened to "69"? Where did that go? Eight? An eight is a snowman! It's not oral sex! Wrong! Next?! Both "143" and "459" are supposed to mean "I love you", while 182 is supposed to mean "I hate you". "182" should be the answer to any consumption question. "How many did you have?" "I ate two." I get that "459" stands for the first letter of each word in "I love you" if you go by the corresponding keypad letters, but how "143" is "I love you", I don't get that one. Why isn't it "I love three"? The 3 on the keypad is DEF. Maybe "143" really means "I love Def Leppard." Yeah, that's probably it. Man, I am feeling cooler by the minute!

They felt the need to throw in the word "banana" as an acronym by saying that it stands for....penis, that is correct. Look, I am familiar with the term "banana hammock", thus I am well aware that a penis can be called a banana. However, THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT AN ACRONYM!! Morons.

OK, here are the ones that I have a hard time believing are commonly used by teenagers. At the very least, I'm certainly hoping that they're not being used by teenagers. My commentary shall follow. SIK (Shocking, I know.).

• FMLTWIA - F-Me Like The Whore I Am (DGMTC - Don't give me this crap. They don't use that!)


• ILF/MD - I Love Female/Male Dominance (IHSA - I hate stupid acronyms)


• MPFB - My Personal F*** Buddy (AOTACFB - As Opposed To A Community F*** Buddy?)
  
  
• NIFOC - Nude In Front Of Computer (ACATT - Always Clothed, All The Time.)


• FOL - Fond of Leather (FOP - Fronds Of Palms)


• DUSL - Do You Scream Loud? (STFU - Self explanatory)


• IMEZRU - I Am Easy, Are You? (YIAAAW - Yes, I Am Also A Whore)


• NALOPKT - Not A Lot Of People Know That (TBYMTU - That's Because You Made This Up)

NetLingo.com also has another list which is so comprehensive it's useless. The Net Lingo List of Acronyms & Text Message Shorthand (noticeably NOT called TNLLOAATMS) doesn't seem to be much more than the typical acronym creations of every variation of a short phrase or quip that could possibly come out of someone's mouth. Things like the AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse. One of the 'acronyms' that they include is "?", which they also inform us means "I have a question." (I'm looking for INADAATNAA (I'm Not A Dumb Ass And That's Not An Acronym", but it's strangely absent.)

One of my favorites: ABITHIWTITB - A Bird In The Hand Is Worth Two In The Bush. Yes, because teenagers are constantly shouting that saying at each other all the time! Other favorites include:

• BARB - Buy Abroad But Rent In Britain! A CONSTANT topic os discussion for the youngsters during their every waking moment!
  
  
• IWBAPTAKYAIYSTA - I Will Buy A Plane Ticket And Kick Your Ass If You Say That Again. Uh-huh. (Oh, that means YES.)

I noticed that there are quite a few that have dual meanings that really have little in common with each other and could be the basis for some major miscommunication. Things like:

• ADN: Advanced Digital Network OR Any Day Now

• AFK: Away From Keyboard or A Free Kill
  
  
• BBB: Bye Bye Babe OR Boring Beyond Belief (Yeah, mixing up those two would NOT be good.)
  
  
• BTFO: Back The F*** Off OR Bend The F*** Over. (See? One says "Get away!" The other says, "Welcome to prison.")
  
  
• CID: Consider It Done OR Crying In Disgrace.
  
  
• GFY: Good For You OR Go F*** Yourself.
  
  
• PBJ: Peanut Butter and Jelly OR Pretty Boy Jock (If you're telling someone they're a PBJ-Pretty Boy Jock, you're going to find yourself with YAK, Your Ass Kicked.)
  
  
• PFA: Pulled From Ass OR Please Find Attached
  
  
• SWAG: Scientific Wild Ass Guess OR SoftWare And Giveaways

No CLUE as to what some of these even mean!

• LOMBARD - Lots Of Money But A Right Dick. Um, what?
  
  
• GSYJDWURMNKH - Good Seeing You Just Don't Wear Your Monkey Hat. Kids these days and all of their monkey hat talk!
  
  
• WYSIALOB - What You See Is A Load Of Bullocks. Sandra Bullocks?! That'd be great! But I don't think that's it.
  
  
• YACC - Yet Another Calendar Company. What the hell?
  
  
• PNATMBC - Pay No Attention To Man Behind Curtain.
  
  
• FF&PN - Fresh Fields And Pastures New. New pastures, but same damned alpacas.
  
  
• BCBG - Belle Cu Belle Geulle.
  
  
• C&G - Chuckly and Grin (Are they like Ren and Stimpy? Itchy and Scratchy? Tom and Jerry?)
  
  
• LLOM - Like Leno On Meth. Why would Jay Leno be on meth? What would that be like? He'd just do his monologue for 24 hours straight while cleaning tile grout with a Q-Tip? I don't get it.
  
  
• MFG - Mit freundlichen Gruessen Means just what it sounds like it means!
  

Let's review, shall we? NetLingo.com thinks that there are a whole bunch of acronyms that parents need to learn/know so that they will know what their children are texting about. Their children, however, know that (in a lot of cases) their parents have never even sent a text in their life and probably won't be doing so anytime soon. The list is long and ridiculous and the ones that NetLingo implies parents should be the most "in the know" about are ridiculous sex-themed acronyms that no one ever uses...except for the parents that believe NetLingo. A lot of the acronyms are not actually acronyms, but are really more abstract concepts such as "words" and "numbers"; concepts which are apparently not familiar to the NetLingo folks. And finally, a lot of the acronyms are for phrases that not just your teenager wouldn't say, but phrases no one would say.

Look, if you want to know what your kids are texting (on the phone that you, the parent, presumably pays for) ask to see their phone. Oooh! Direct! Shocking. If you don't know what something means, ask them. Again, oooh! Direct! See, that's why I don't get why the list is being passed off as the 'Most Important Acronyms Parents Need To Know Blah-Blah-Blah". Having a list of acronyms (preferably without the stupid ones) is great. But how about if folks don't worry too much about the acronyms and instead pay more attention to their kids and talk to them to find out what they're up to? You'd be amazed at how well they can turn out like that. The other day I had someone (who happens to be an amazing mother of two highly functional, successful kids) put it like this: "It's really not that hard. You just decide, stick with it, don't be a freak about it and then they carry it out themselves." And since she has the excellent young adult children that she raised to back that statement up, it seems logical to me.

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Dictators, Potato Salad and Suri Cruise

Once again, Parade magazine, that little insert in the Sunday paper that gives us recipes for potato salad and other picnic fare, along with helpful tips on how to keep our pets healthy, useful suggestions for where to vacation with your family and what Suri Cruise is up to, has come out with its list of the Top Ten Worst Dictators in the world. An odd departure from "5 Tips For A Sodium Free Meal" indeed.

I suppose it's good to know these things, if for no other reason than simply from a humanitarian standpoint (or in case you end up as a Jeopardy! contestant). But is Parade magazine really qualified for this? Some of Parade's "sister sites" are Allure, Architectural Digest, Golf for Women, Glamour, Vogue, Wired.com, GQ, Conde' Naste Traveler and Brides.com just to name a few. Very rarely do I ever associate the world's worst dictators with any of those publications either. (Well, maybe Vogue. They're awfully haughty over there.) Architectural Digest? How would that article read? ("Here you can see the appealing structure that the flying buttresses give to this room. What's not appealing is how Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe treats the citizens of his country." Or "As Annika Sorenstam gets ready to tee off from the 14th, she's focusing on the direction of the wind and trying to decide which is the appropriate club to use. What's not appropriate is the dictatorship of Kim Jung-iL over there in North Korea." You almost never read stuff like that. Rarely, in fact.) Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the information, I just find the source rather amusing.

Just to elaborate on how odd I find Parade magazine's annual list of dictators, here is a sampling of some other features in the very same issue of Parade that contains all of the dictating:

• Quirkiest Celebrity Baby Names (Could grow up to have quirkiest worst dictator name!)
• Top 5 Jobs, No Bachelor's Degree Required (Perhaps 'dictator' is one of them!)
• Take Control of Your Appetite! (Then take control of your country as one of the worst dictators!)

On to the list! From...Parade magazine, correct. Hoo-boy. OK...

First, a big hearty congratulations to Pervez Musharraf and Islam Karimov for dropping out of the Top Ten this year! Nice job, fellas! Musharraf went from 8th in 2008 to not even ranking in the Top 20 this year! Quite an improvement! Now, granted he did resign as President of Pakistan in August of 2008, so it's a little hard to make the Top Ten when you're not even in charge of anything. But the new guy isn't in the Top Ten, so I'm looking at that as progress! And Karimov went from 9th in 2008 to 11th in 2009 and he is still in charge! It's only two spots, but it took him out of the Top Ten and that's important! The less dictator-y one is, the better.

Those two have their spots in the Top Ten replaced by newcomers Muammar al-Qaddafi and Gurbanguly Berdymuhammedov. (Good Lord, sir. As a dictator, can't you demand that you shorten that name or else? Who names a baby Gurbanguly?) Mr. Qaddafi is the infamous leader of Libya, a country which became a household name when Christopher Lloyd shouted, "The Libyans!" to Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future in 1985. (It was his density.) Well, he's back in the Top Ten at Number 10 and looking strong. Old, but strong. As far as G.B. over there, he runs something called Turkmenistan which used to be part of the Soviet Union until 1991. He's only been in power for a couple of years, so to be named ninth out of the Top Ten in such a short period of time is quite an achievement. Yep, he's going to be quite the A-hole if he keeps this up.

In 8th place up from 10th last year is Isayas Afewerki of Eritrea. Eritrea was part of Ethiopia right up until it wasn't. Seems like around 2007 is when things really started getting stirred up over there as a result of not being attached to it's former country/host. Afewerki looks like Steadman Graham (also known as Mr. Oprah). Steadman Graham looks like Eric Holder, the nominee for Attorney General. In May of 2008 Afewerki decided elections would be postponed for "three or four decades" maybe more! Apparently they "polarize society." Well, nothing like non-polarization than only having one side!

Sayyid Ali Khamenei of Iran stayed in 7th. He's pretty much into arresting those who are into any sort of civil rights AND he allows for the government execution of juveniles! Boys can be executed at 15. Girls? At nine. I don't know what to say about that. Some things are just SO wrong that you can't even fathom them enough in order to say anything. Ugh. I don't really understand the "Iran has a dictator" thing. I thought that Iran had President I'm A Dinner Jacket running the show over there. So why is this guy there? Personally, I can see no use for him. Anywhere, really.

Hu Jintao of China moved down from 6th place to 5th this year. Ah, China. Home to the 5th worst dictator in the world. Hey, I know! Let's hold the Olympics there and pretend that none of that is happening, what do you say?! Great! Now that the Olympics are over, we can go back to where we started and act as if none of that ever happened, as in 2008, the US imported $340 billion worth of stuff from China. Where does that leave us? At Square One. Correct. And welcome.

King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia also dropped down this year from 4th to 5th. Saudi Arabia, home of the 5th worst dictator. So here's a good idea: Let's buy all of their oil to further our dependence on it and subsequently on them as well!. Let's abhor everything their lifestyle embraces and let's send that message by buying a gazillion dollars worth of oil every freaking day. That sends a crystal clear message doesn't it? Certainly. Sends the message that they have us by the balls and will twist our proverbial scrotum at will. Ouchy. But we have oil, so yay?

Next is Myanmar. Well, now it's called Myanmar, but you may know it as Burma. To quote J. Peterman "It will always be Burma to me." A most excellent Seinfeld episode. A not so excellent country which is ruled by Than Shwe (which reminds me of Fung Shui), who has dropped down from 3rd place last year to land in 4th. To give you some idea of how this guy runs things, in May, there was a cyclone which killed 140,000-ish and left over 2 million homeless. In response to the devastation, Than Shwe/Fung Shui blocked access to the hardest hit areas because he was busy fixing and rigging an election so he could get his constitution approved. So 4th place seems about right. Definitely justified.

Kim "Platform Shoes" Jung-iL over there in North Korea has made a most impressive drop from first place last year down to 3rd. Can you imagine where he'll drop if it turns out that he's been dead for a year and all of those people that we've seen were just look-alikes? They're pretty sneaky over there. A crafty bunch. I have no reason to believe he's not dead. And at the same time, not a whole lot to go on to prove that he is dead. But I still don't trust 'em.

Omar Al-Bashir in Sudan comes in 2nd place for the 2nd year in a row. Ah, always the bridesmaid, eh, Sudan? Somewhere along the line we got used to referring to it as "The Sudan" in the same way that we got used to referring to Congo as "The Congo". Why did we start doing that? Why did we stop? Did we not want it to catch on? Were we afraid that if the "the" was attached to all countries that we'd start sounding like Miss Teen South Carolina 2008 and her declaration that we needed to help those in "The Iraq" and such as? That's a pretty good reason! We might not have to worry about him being on the list next year, as the ICC has charged him with all things dictator-ish including: “murdering, exterminating, raping, torturing, and forcibly transferring large numbers of civilians, and pillaging their property.” He's definitely list-worthy.

And Number One is a guy who climbed all the way from 6th place in 2008 clear up to 1st in 2009! It's Dictator Bob! Bob the Dictator! Bobby Rules the Land! It's Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe (oooh, that's limerick material in the making right there) who is Parade Magazine's Number One Worst Dictator in the World! Take a bow, Bobby! You've been selected for this dishonor, according to Parade Magazine, for things such as:

• An 85% unemployment rate (Egads! 85%?! Things are definitely looking up here with our 10% unemployment.),
• An inflation rate so high that they government had to issue a $50 billion note! What can you get for $50 billion in Zimbabwe? Two loaves of bread. (I am not making this up.)
• He agreed to hold an election in 2008 and would abide by the results...if he won. Guess what happened? He won! Shocking, eh?
• During that election, his supporters killed 163 people who opposed him. And then they beat and/or tortured another 5,000, just for kicks.

So there you have it. How happy are you that you don't live in any of those places? (If you do happen to live in any of those places, thanks for reading the blog! And, um, yeah....sorry about all the dictatorship going on there. That really sucks.) And how happy are you that you can live in a country where you have access to such versatile publications like that of Parade magazine which you can count on one Sunday every year to bring you tips on how to brighten your spring wardrobe right there along with the Top Ten Worst Dictators list and a recipe for a scrumptious spinach dip? Exactly. Thanks, Parade. I'll be looking forward to your Top Ten Potluck Dishes For Memorial Day issue!

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Better Banning For 2009

All hail Lake Superior State University Word-Watchers/Word-Banishers! These folks rule. Now, if we can just get the attention of those who make the LSSUWWWBs necessary. Then we'll really start seeing some progress.

Every year, the folks over there at LSSU (described on their website as being "...located in Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan, along the U.S./Canada international border. With an enrollment of about 3,000 students") come up with a list of words that have been overused to death during the year and which should subsequently be banished from any and all future usage. The problem is that, while the list is interesting, entertaining and based in reality, it doesn't seem to compel people to drop these words and/or phrases from their vocabulary. (Not like we should be surprised by that. After all, most people are what? Morons, that is correct. Morons, by definition, don't usually have a very extensive vocabulary. They also tend to glom on to the hype of the moment like glue.)

Drum roll, please. No drums? I'll just clear my throat then. Ahem....

• "Green" or "going green" or any variation/derivation thereof: THANK YOU!!! It's not the green movement or anything like that which I am annoyed by. It is the overuse and the frequent misuse (and blatant lying) of the term "green". Why is that? Because there are no standards (with the exception of within the construction industry) for what constitutes a "green" product. I can say that this blog is "green", what are you going to do about it? Nothing, exactly. It could be! You don't know! And neither do I. In fact, I think I am going to start saying that. I have a green blog. I like it. Ew. Wait. That would cause me to admit that I have a blog. Never mind. Read on! (But stop saying "green"!)
  
  
• "Carbon footprint" or "Carbon offset": I'd also like to add "carbon credits" to this one. They're all ridiculous and if I have to hear them one more time, someone is going to be calculating the carbon offset caused by carbon footprint on their ass.
  
  
• "Maverick": This word was doomed to be doomed probably less than 30 seconds after it was first uttered during McCain's campaign because (wait for it) people liked it. If people really seem to like something, prepare yourself to be inundated with that something non-stop for the rest of your life (or until the LSSU folks take the wheel) because the media figure that if a little is good, then a whole boat load is great! (For the record: It's not. That's why we hate this word.)
  
  
• "First Dude": Name that was coined for Todd Palin, the husband (aka, "First Dude") of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin; a man that I do not think that I have ever heard utter a word publicly about anything. HOW did this word/term become so overused that it met it's own demise? See "Maverick".
  
  
• "Bailout": This is quite possibly the word that is not only overused the most, but is also used incorrectly the most (which is why it's often used (wrongly) synonymously for "loan".) "Bailout" has come to represent any sort of financial assistance regardless of origin or recipient. By the way, take note: Of the most recent "bailouts", regardless as to whether or not they really were a "bailout", I have yet to see an instance where any of them have worked, aka - successfully "bailed out" the one in peril. Thus, even though the word is still banned, just remember that when you hear it used, it usually can be taken to mean "pissing money away".
  
  
• " 'Wall Street/Main Street' comparison": Again, see "Maverick". Everyone thought that was really clever. The first 500 times they heard it. Then it began to wear thin. (The thing that really irritates me about this phrase is whenever it is used it's in the form of a question that never gets answered! For example: "How does what is happening on Wall Street effect those on Main Street? We go to our reporter whose name I have forgotten, but she's really, really hot. So over to you, sweetie. What's the deal?" And do you think "sweetie" knows anything? Other than what pumps go with what purse? Of course not.)
  
  
• "Icon" or "Iconic": This gets banned because it is so overused that it is diminishing the status of being an actual "icon". NO, not those little things on your computer desktop that you click on. Not those icons. The icons that are important people that are supposed to be at the top of their field and the ones who are immediately identified with that which they helped define or achieve. Steve Jobs is an icon. The guy who sold the most iPods at the Apple store last month is not.
  
  
• The emoticon <3: That little thing is supposed to be a heart if you tip your head to the right. I think it looks like an ice cream cone, but that's only on the days that I don't think it looks like something that has to do with porn. I don't know what, but there is a slight porn-y feel to it. As with all other annoying emoticons, it's supposed to be cute. (What the hell was wrong with "xoxo" in the first place? Isn't that good enough? Why the porn heart?)
  
  "Game changer": And what is the "game" being "changed" to, exactly? Monopoly becomes Parchesi? Doom becomes Battleship? It's blather. Pure, unadulterated blather.


• "Desperate search": As opposed to what? A lackadaisical search? A half ass search? A search that can wait until morning? And since it usually pertains to cases where it is a person that is being "searched" for, no kidding it's freaking "desperate". See? Morons.


• "Not so much": I don't have much of a problem with this one, but I'm including it because it was on their list. It's a matter of how it is used. It must be in a humorous, sitcom-like environment and it must be a response to either an obvious or a rhetorical inquiry (or an obviously rhetorical inquiry). "Wow, so you caught your wife in bed with another woman and now your wife's divorcing you. Huh. I guess you won't be worrying about what to do for your anniversary next week then." "Not so much" That's OK. "So, since it didn't rain, I guess you didn't get wet." "Not so much." That's NOT OK.
  
  
• "It's that time of year again": Is it? How often does that happen? Like, what? Once a year? Oh, all the time year 'round! Right. Because every day is A time of year and since this isn't the first year that we've ever had, it's going to be that way all the time! Got it. Now stop saying it! What if, at noon, people were always saying, "Well, it's that time of day again." You'd shoot them. Or yourself. It's the same thing. Only different. (Also loathed is the cousin to that phrase, "At the end of the day". It's pointless. "At the end of the day....it gets dark, people have dinner and then they go to bed." Ban that too!)
  
  
• "Winner of FIVE Nominations": This is like the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes effect on language and vocabulary demonstrated right here. "You MAY have already won some very exciting prizes!" But you haven't! "You are pre-approved to apply for our platinum plated, gold encrusted, titanium credit card!" Pre-approved? To apply? To fill out the form? What's your selection process for that anyway? You know, to determine who is worthy enough for you to authorize pre-approval of someone's opportunity to fill in the blanks? Oh, anyone? I see. (While we're at it, we might as well just ban "pre-approved" also. I see no reason to wait until the 2009 list comes out. Why torture ourselves for another year when we already know we hate it?)


• "At this moment in time": I loathe this phrase. "Um, at this moment in time..." Uh, excuse me, Captain Words-a-Lot, but are you trying to say "NOW"? (Please note that the self-important and those who are sports announcers will add "particular" to the wordage. "At this particular moment in time...." (Let me finish that. "....you sound like a jackass when you use that phrase.") "Now." The word is "now". Use it! Now!
  
  
• "Staycation": Not going anywhere for your vacation. ie, Staying in the area you live in and vacationing around there. The "staycation" term is a result of two things. One, the "maverick" factor. Two, the rhyming factor. Everyone loves a damn rhyme. I take that back. Everyone thinks that everyone loves a damn rhyme. Anything other than Dr. Seuss and I don't have a lot of use for them, personally. And with a word like "staycation" where the sounds rhyme with a lot of different words, people start making their own little offshoot of the term. Sort of like how some casinos will use the term "playcation" in their advertising. Ugh. To illustrate how this phenomenon works and becomes absurdly silly, I've come up with a few examples of my own.
  
  
• Gaycation: Vacation for homosexuals.
• Haycation: Vacation for farmers
• Oy-veycation: Vacation for the Jewish
• Braycation: Vacation for donkeys (or for jackasses. Your choice.)
• Straycation: Vacation for wanderers
• Slaycation: Vacation for murderers
• Jaycation: Vacation for birdwatchers
• Laycation: Vacation for porn stars
• Delaycation: Vacation for people who are always late

Ridiculous, yes? Yes.

Thank you, LSSU guys! Feel free to put out an addendum at any point during the year!

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