That's An Emergency All Right

Sylvester Stallone's son, Sage Moonblood (yes, Moonblood), was found dead the other day.  He was only 36, so one would have to think that there was something afoot other than natural causes.  But really, in the grand scheme of things, who cares?  Well, it would seem like the lawyer for the young Mr. Stallone cares quite a bit because he's going out of his way to give reasons for the death that I find to be rather amusing. 

Well, for starters, I know that the lawyer saying that a "health emergency" could have caused his death is one of the more amusing attempts at spin that I've heard in quite some time.  That's according to the Daily News. A health emergency! Yes, I'd say that anything that your body is going through that causes your subsequent demise is indeed a "health emergency"!  That's just a silly thing to say. 

Look, it seems likely at this point that the guy died from an overdose of prescription medication.  OK, fine.  Accidents happen.  But for some reason, people just do not like to admit when a celebrity has made a mistake that kills them.  And I don't get that.  Dead is dead and at that point, how they came to be dead is probably the least of the worries that one should have.  Then again, I'm not a celebrity (thank God), so what do I know? 

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Hank For Senate

Just wanted to let you know that there is a cat running for the Senate in Virginia. That's right. A cat. His name's Hank. He even has a website. Hankforsenate.com. Yep. That's where we're at. I really don't know if this appalls me or if I'm totally in favor of it. I think it might be a little of both. I will cry if the cat wins, however. That would just show everyone just how far off the rails we've come if it gets to the point of electing felines to the Senate. Besides, would a cat really be any better than a person? How do we know he wouldn't just be another politician that tries to cover his s**t in the sand? Oh, wait. That's exactly what a cat does. Hmm....

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She Doesn't Know Anything

Is it the silly season already? I thought that wasn't until September. I must be wrong because Nancy Pelosi has been spouting out the ramblings of a crazy person. And when someone can do that when they're talking about Newt Gingrich (who isn't exactly someone I would put in the 'completely sane' category), well, that's certainly something.

According to the NY Daily News, Nancy Pelosi was asked by CNN about what she thought about the change that there might be a "President Gingrich". She responded with: "Let me just say this. That will never happen...He's not going to be President of the United States ... Let me just make my prediction and stand by it, it isn't going to happen." Now, while I agree with her feelings, I don't know that I think that it's a very good idea to go around saying it quite like that. There are too many dumbasses out there who go to vote. I'd hate to have any of them get wind of this and think, "Oh, yeah?! C'mon, Cletus. Let's go show her wrong!" (And by the way, there would be no particular reason for the dumbasses to think this. They're dumbasses. They don't need a reason.) But she didn't really stop there. No, she went on to jabber: "There is something I know. The Republicans, if they choose to nominate him, that's their prerogative. I don't even think that's going to happen." Wait. There is something that she knows?

What could she possibly know? (Other than it would appear, based on the photo below, that Dwight Schrute is quite possibly Newt's love child.) Does she know something that the rest of us don't? Really, those sentences didn't string together very well, so it's entirely possible that she didn't know what she was talking about either. (I wonder if that happens when you've had your face lifted just one too many times. Hmm...) But you can't just come out and says "There is something I know" and not back it up with...anything, lest you sound like a crazy(er) person. At the very least, make your subsequent sentences flow!

I can't imagine that she has some sort of 'secret weapon' that she's going to break out if Newt should get the nomination. And even if she did, why wouldn't she keep that sort of thing to herself? You don't want to be letting everyone in on your 'strategy', do you? Granted, if it is a 'strategy', it's probably the worst one I've ever heard of. (It's a good thing she isn't in charge of our SEAL operations. She'd tip everyone off before anything could get done. Can you picture it? "There is something I know. Osama bin Laden is about to hear a knock at his door." Yeah, that wouldn't be very effective.)

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Taking It Lying Down

About the only thing(s) that I dislike about the Internet is/are that it is a very effective tool for a) spreading the word of idiots, b) spreading the word of idiots but making it sound to other idiots that it's not idiotic, and c) getting idiots everywhere to unite in idiocy.

Case in point would be this example gleaned from The Daily Mail, which describes an activity that is "...perhaps the most bizarre internet phenomenon yet to sweep the globe." Now, I don't know about that. I mean, "most bizarre"? Come on. That's a pretty tall order to fill. There are a lot of "bizarre" things out there. Far more than we ever needed to know about, but now DO thanks to the Internet. But the phenomenon of which they speak? (Wait for it.)

"The Lying Down Game". Behold!

The sad part is that it's exactly what it sounds like. The "goal" or "object" (otherwise known as "part that makes you look like an idiot") is to find some place that is as public as possible (what does that mean? As "public as possible"? What are the different degrees of "public"? If you're out, you're out! Hence the term "public". But what do I know? I'm not an idiot.) and then, you guessed it, lie down.

So that people don't go all rogue on the whole "lying down" concept, there ARE guidelines! For cryin' out loud, you don't think that they were just going to start some sort of worldwide Internet phenomenon without some sort of instructionary guidelines, did you?! Of course not! (Because no rules? Well, that would just be stupid.) If you plan to do this, "Players are told they must have their palms flat against their sides with the tips of their toes touching the ground." Now, it doesn't seem to say anything about facing up or facing down, but the pics that I've seen of this (many of which I have reproduced here, with neither permission, nor malice, from The Daily Mail), the moronsparticipants are lying face down. My guess on that is they have an inkling as to how stupid this is and are trying to avoid being identified by their friends, family, future employers and the like. (I didn't include "current employers" on that list because, well, you know...I thought that "future employers" was probably a stretch, but I'm willing to give the benefit of the doubt on occasion.)

The Daily Mail thinks that two doormen from Newcastle, a one Scott Wood and a one Wayne Pyle, may be to blame for this one. They set up a Facebook page after a trip to Majorca with some buddies. The one Scott Wood, age an incredible 34, explained, "I thought lying on the floor would be a funnier way to pose for my holiday snaps." This guy must be a riot at get togethers.


Of course, now that idiots worldwide have gotten wind of this, Mr. Wood felt the need to wax poetic and imply that the whole thing was about something that is most certainly is NOT about when he said "'There's so much misery around these days, with the recession and everything - this is an excuse to have a joke and do something silly." With the recession and everything. And everything? Couldn't think of another catch-word to go with "recession" that would explain why people are doing this? Yes, the only way to escape our "misery" is to go face down in the middle of the street, head to toe, with a bunch of other folks. Seems to me that, should traffic suddenly appear on, of all places, the STREET, that your "misery" is about to get a whole lot worse. (They're like one giant speed bump.)

A one 23-year old Danielle Mitchell, also hailing from Newcastle, said she and her friends "...are always looking for weird places to lie down." (I can only imagine. But please don't make me.) She endorses this activity by stating, "I think everyone should have a go at the Lying Down Game - it's very liberating." Um, what exactly are you being liberated FROM there, Cupcake?

As to further the definition of "public", the article says that "It seems no location is out of bounds, with people lying down roofs, in the middle of the road, in front of tanks, across bars in pubs and on table football games." Oh, well, come on! Show of hands, who has NOT been face down in a bar at some point?! Anyone?? I didn't think so! You can call it whatever you want, but that's known around here as "Tuesdays".

Look, how about a compromise? Instead of encouraging new idiotic behaviors, ie, "The Lying Down Game", how about we just reinforce societal behaviors that we don't really care for but that probably aren't going to change anyway? My suggestion? I'm calling it "Thumbs for Bums". The object is to find a bum somewhere, any bum and anywhere, and have a picture of yourself next to said bum giving the ol' thumbs up sign! Bonus points if you can get the bum to give the thumbs up as well.

How many bums can you find? Find 'em all and win the knowledge of where NOT to go in your city or town! It could also be called "Bum Spotting" or "Bum Caching". We'll have markers on a Google map! And a wiki! Wiki-Bum! Bums by climate region! Bums celebrating various holidays! Bums and their pets! And all with you right next to them giving them the ol' thumbs up! Nice job! Way to go! (I'm actually becoming quite enamored with this idea as I ramble along here. Look for pics of me and the bums in the near future! I'm right by San Francisco where there is a bum abundance. I could easily amass enough pics to compile a coffee table book. "Thumbs for Bums - A Pictoral Anthology of the West Coast Panhandler.")

Look, I suppose that at this point, it's all totally harmless. Sure! Go ahead! Lie down wherever you freaking want to! Enjoy. But just wait. Someone is going to feel the urge to "lie down" for the "Lying Down Game" and instead of "lie down" it will turn into "die down". If you think someone isn't going to do this in the lion cage at the zoo or between two annoyingly close apartment buildings, you're in for a surprise when someone does and it goes horribly awry.

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Should He Be Wearing That?

I've been following the efforts dedicated to the recovery of human remains and debris from the Air France 447 crash. Since there hasn't been a major-major crash in about eight years (thankfully) I don't really have any recent memories to compare this recovery effort to. So these questions are based purely upon my internal "WTH" mechanism, which can go into overdrive sometimes.

At first, when it was realized that something was definitely amiss with said plane, it was being reported as "Air France jet vanishes" or "Contact lost with Air France jet". I'm more OK with the 'contact lost' descriptor than I am with 'vanishes'. Vanishes? Like 'poof!'? I don't think that it 'vanished'. I never did think that it 'vanished'. Pretty much, from the beginning, when you hear a story like this, you know, unfortunately, that it crashed. You also know, pretty much, that it didn't POOF! vanish.

It was a few days after said 'vanish-ment' that I started seeing headlines like "Air France: Missing plane likely crashed." Really? Now, this was the same day that prior headlines with "Air France flight missing mid-flight." were rampant. Likely crashed? Why jumping to conclusions so soon? You sure you want to rule out "sucked out of the atmosphere by an alien craft" or "rendered invisible by magic moonbeams" so soon? It hasn't even been a day yet. You sure you want to go that route?

Of COURSE it crashed!

Look, I'm not trying to be insensitive here, but really, what other options are there? When was the last time that a plane disappeared from radar that did not crash? Don't give me the whole 'Miracle on the Hudson' dealio, because while that plane ended up making an emergency landing, if it hadn't been for Captain Sullenberger, that plane would have ended up crashing. When it disappeared from radar what was it doing? Crashing, that is correct. So why all of the "likely crashed" scenarios making the headlines second instead of first? I don't know. Do they think that "plane missing" is going to alleviate the fears of the friends and family of those on the plane? I don't think it is! That's all I need! To have in my head that a relative or a friend of mine is suddenly a participant on a real life version of 'Lost'! Actually, I think I'd prefer "Can't find the plane, prepare for the worst."

Do I think Amelia Earhart 'vanished'? I think she crashed. Just because she was never found doesn't necessarily mean she 'vanished'.
Then came the announcements that they had found debris. Buoys that would be from the plane in the event of unexpected contact with the water were found. Cargo pallets were found. A LARGE oil slick in the middle of the ocean was found. White debris, which was never explained, was found. Seats and things that would have been from the inside of the cabin were found. Great! That means that they should be able to find the rest of the wreckage, right? Yes, but only if all of those things that they found were actually from the Air France plane. Which they weren't.

What?! Not from the plane?! Well, then where the hell were they from then!? Buoys that are from airplanes and are in the general vicinity of where the plane 'vanished' are not from that plane? How do you figure that? WHAT ARE THEY FROM?!?! I don't get it.

And while I don't understand how these recovery operations work, I do find them fascinating. I love the pictures of the guys doing all of the work out there in the ocean. I love the ocean and it scares the crap out of me at the same time. I have a buddy (who's likely reading this right now. Hi!) who works with the ocean and she went freaking snorkeling in it in the middle of nowhere last year! On purpose! So while I could never do that, I find it fascinating that others can (and do!). That's why I love the pictures. But this one baffled me. Behold!

First of all, holy cats. That's the big ol' tail they're standing on. It's so odd to see people standing on things in the water that should not be in the water. But I digress. One of those things is not like the others. Can you spot the one? Let me help you. Behold!

I believe that man is wearing a Speedo! Yes, that is a Speedo. WTH?

Since when do recovery divers wear Speedos? Was he vacationing and just decided to come along for the ride with the other divers? A wayward triathlete, perhaps? Is that Michael Phelps? I don't know, but he's in a Speedo and it just doesn't seem right. I mean, it's not wrong, but you have to admit that it's a little bit out of place, yes?

If anyone knows why Speedo-Man is there, please let me know. It's things like this that keep me up at night.

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ACRONYMS - A Collective Roster Of Names You Might See

I've been doing it all wrong. Not a shocking revelation to some (pipe down in the peanut gallery over there!), but at least this time I caught on fairly quickly. I don't need a some sort of repeat similar to the time when I thought that the alpaca needed a saddle. Don't ask. It's still quite embarrassing. (And still just a little bit sore, too. Damn alpaca.)

This time it's texting. Text message abbreviations and/or acronyms that, according to NetLingo.com every parent needs to know. I'm not so sure that they do. Some of them, sure. Some of them, not so much. Which ones are which? Probably the ones that kids (or even just PEOPLE) actually use would be the ones that would be the most helpful to know.

See, according to a lot of people, younger people, older people, just people, who have seen the list of "Top 50 Text Acronyms Parents Should Know", a lot of the acronyms on the all important list are things that they've never heard of or never seen used in a texting situation. And that is supposedly exploained by the founder of NetLingo.com, a one Erin Jansen, when she says, "This is stuff that's being used all across the Internet, in instant messaging, in chat rooms, in text messaging. There are spikes in the amount of usage for each acronym, and regional variations. Something that's being used on the West Coast, for example, won't be in the East, and the South may use terms that aren't common in the Pacific Northwest. And the Midwest is just a hotbed of this sex chat-room stuff."

Um, I've lived Midwest-ish. It's a lot of things. A "hotbed of this sex chat-room stuff" is not one of them. I think I would have known if it was. I found the Midwestish area to be cold. Thus, I would have loved a hotbed of any kind! But a hotbed of sex chat-room stuff? That sounds pretty toasty! But even if there isn't a sexy, Midwest hotbed, Jansen still holds to trying to make her list sound legitmate and important by saying, "It's a good overview of what parents ought to be aware of, even if their kids aren't going to these weird chat rooms, because kids pick them up anyway." Soooooo...what you're saying is that parents should be aware of what it is that their children are doing? Wow, I've never thought of that as something a parent should be doing. Thank God for NetLingo.com! Whatever.

"It's like when I was young and my friends and I looked up dirty words in the dictionary." Um, how old is she? And what kind of dictionary was this with all of these 'dirty words'? Like what? No way you're going to find the F-word in a dictionary during the days of yore! I could be wrong (again), but I don't think so. Oh! But maybe she's from the old-time-y Midwest where it was just a hotbed of sex dictionary stuff! Sounds like a rip-roarin' childhood she had there.

MYFOXATLANTA.com has the list. It's lame. It's laughably lame. I'm thinking perhaps it was composed by a teenager in the hopes that parents everywhere would learn this lingo that has nothing at all to do with anything that the teenagers are texting! Better yet would be if the parents started using this lingo themselves, thinking all the while how super-cool they were when in reality they were becoming bigger mega-dorks by the minute.

The list starts off with some numerical acronyms. They list "8" as standing for oral sex. What happened to "69"? Where did that go? Eight? An eight is a snowman! It's not oral sex! Wrong! Next?! Both "143" and "459" are supposed to mean "I love you", while 182 is supposed to mean "I hate you". "182" should be the answer to any consumption question. "How many did you have?" "I ate two." I get that "459" stands for the first letter of each word in "I love you" if you go by the corresponding keypad letters, but how "143" is "I love you", I don't get that one. Why isn't it "I love three"? The 3 on the keypad is DEF. Maybe "143" really means "I love Def Leppard." Yeah, that's probably it. Man, I am feeling cooler by the minute!

They felt the need to throw in the word "banana" as an acronym by saying that it stands for....penis, that is correct. Look, I am familiar with the term "banana hammock", thus I am well aware that a penis can be called a banana. However, THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT AN ACRONYM!! Morons.

OK, here are the ones that I have a hard time believing are commonly used by teenagers. At the very least, I'm certainly hoping that they're not being used by teenagers. My commentary shall follow. SIK (Shocking, I know.).

• FMLTWIA - F-Me Like The Whore I Am (DGMTC - Don't give me this crap. They don't use that!)


• ILF/MD - I Love Female/Male Dominance (IHSA - I hate stupid acronyms)


• MPFB - My Personal F*** Buddy (AOTACFB - As Opposed To A Community F*** Buddy?)
  
  
• NIFOC - Nude In Front Of Computer (ACATT - Always Clothed, All The Time.)


• FOL - Fond of Leather (FOP - Fronds Of Palms)


• DUSL - Do You Scream Loud? (STFU - Self explanatory)


• IMEZRU - I Am Easy, Are You? (YIAAAW - Yes, I Am Also A Whore)


• NALOPKT - Not A Lot Of People Know That (TBYMTU - That's Because You Made This Up)

NetLingo.com also has another list which is so comprehensive it's useless. The Net Lingo List of Acronyms & Text Message Shorthand (noticeably NOT called TNLLOAATMS) doesn't seem to be much more than the typical acronym creations of every variation of a short phrase or quip that could possibly come out of someone's mouth. Things like the AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse. One of the 'acronyms' that they include is "?", which they also inform us means "I have a question." (I'm looking for INADAATNAA (I'm Not A Dumb Ass And That's Not An Acronym", but it's strangely absent.)

One of my favorites: ABITHIWTITB - A Bird In The Hand Is Worth Two In The Bush. Yes, because teenagers are constantly shouting that saying at each other all the time! Other favorites include:

• BARB - Buy Abroad But Rent In Britain! A CONSTANT topic os discussion for the youngsters during their every waking moment!
  
  
• IWBAPTAKYAIYSTA - I Will Buy A Plane Ticket And Kick Your Ass If You Say That Again. Uh-huh. (Oh, that means YES.)

I noticed that there are quite a few that have dual meanings that really have little in common with each other and could be the basis for some major miscommunication. Things like:

• ADN: Advanced Digital Network OR Any Day Now

• AFK: Away From Keyboard or A Free Kill
  
  
• BBB: Bye Bye Babe OR Boring Beyond Belief (Yeah, mixing up those two would NOT be good.)
  
  
• BTFO: Back The F*** Off OR Bend The F*** Over. (See? One says "Get away!" The other says, "Welcome to prison.")
  
  
• CID: Consider It Done OR Crying In Disgrace.
  
  
• GFY: Good For You OR Go F*** Yourself.
  
  
• PBJ: Peanut Butter and Jelly OR Pretty Boy Jock (If you're telling someone they're a PBJ-Pretty Boy Jock, you're going to find yourself with YAK, Your Ass Kicked.)
  
  
• PFA: Pulled From Ass OR Please Find Attached
  
  
• SWAG: Scientific Wild Ass Guess OR SoftWare And Giveaways

No CLUE as to what some of these even mean!

• LOMBARD - Lots Of Money But A Right Dick. Um, what?
  
  
• GSYJDWURMNKH - Good Seeing You Just Don't Wear Your Monkey Hat. Kids these days and all of their monkey hat talk!
  
  
• WYSIALOB - What You See Is A Load Of Bullocks. Sandra Bullocks?! That'd be great! But I don't think that's it.
  
  
• YACC - Yet Another Calendar Company. What the hell?
  
  
• PNATMBC - Pay No Attention To Man Behind Curtain.
  
  
• FF&PN - Fresh Fields And Pastures New. New pastures, but same damned alpacas.
  
  
• BCBG - Belle Cu Belle Geulle.
  
  
• C&G - Chuckly and Grin (Are they like Ren and Stimpy? Itchy and Scratchy? Tom and Jerry?)
  
  
• LLOM - Like Leno On Meth. Why would Jay Leno be on meth? What would that be like? He'd just do his monologue for 24 hours straight while cleaning tile grout with a Q-Tip? I don't get it.
  
  
• MFG - Mit freundlichen Gruessen Means just what it sounds like it means!
  

Let's review, shall we? NetLingo.com thinks that there are a whole bunch of acronyms that parents need to learn/know so that they will know what their children are texting about. Their children, however, know that (in a lot of cases) their parents have never even sent a text in their life and probably won't be doing so anytime soon. The list is long and ridiculous and the ones that NetLingo implies parents should be the most "in the know" about are ridiculous sex-themed acronyms that no one ever uses...except for the parents that believe NetLingo. A lot of the acronyms are not actually acronyms, but are really more abstract concepts such as "words" and "numbers"; concepts which are apparently not familiar to the NetLingo folks. And finally, a lot of the acronyms are for phrases that not just your teenager wouldn't say, but phrases no one would say.

Look, if you want to know what your kids are texting (on the phone that you, the parent, presumably pays for) ask to see their phone. Oooh! Direct! Shocking. If you don't know what something means, ask them. Again, oooh! Direct! See, that's why I don't get why the list is being passed off as the 'Most Important Acronyms Parents Need To Know Blah-Blah-Blah". Having a list of acronyms (preferably without the stupid ones) is great. But how about if folks don't worry too much about the acronyms and instead pay more attention to their kids and talk to them to find out what they're up to? You'd be amazed at how well they can turn out like that. The other day I had someone (who happens to be an amazing mother of two highly functional, successful kids) put it like this: "It's really not that hard. You just decide, stick with it, don't be a freak about it and then they carry it out themselves." And since she has the excellent young adult children that she raised to back that statement up, it seems logical to me.

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Non-Jobs Nonsense

In the midst of our new era of "change" in the US, unemployment rates are going up all across the country. Not exactly the kind of "change" that most people had in mind, but it's change none the less. Tomato, tom-ah-to, what are you gonna do? (See, that's why I like details. I like to know what I'm getting and I like to be clear about what I'm asking for. If you just ask for "change" you're opening yourself up to good "change" and to crappy "change". Guess which one we're working our way through right now?) But if we start doing things like they've done over there in Britain, I figure that we could have this whole unemployment thing resolved within weeks at the most! What could possibly go wrong if we started hiring people for jobs such as roller disco coaches, ceremonial sword bearers and the much in demand trampoline coaches. Wait. Those are jobs?

Correct. Not only are they jobs, they're jobs that folks get paid for! The Mail Online reports about an audit of local government positions which was done by the Sunday Times. The information about the various jobs was "obtained under freedom of information legislation" and the Sunday Times claims that it reveals several instances of jobs which "appear to be of questionable value." I like that phrasing. It's journalism's way of using a more polite way to say, "WTF is this?!"

I can believe that there are some positions which exist throughout any governmental system that are of questionable need, let alone value. But I think that I've always thought of it not so much as the job itself being of questionable value, rather than the person attempting to perform the job who is of definitive non-value. (I know that they didn't hire those 37 people at the DMV to just stand around and watch two other people do all of the work, yet that's always the scenario at every DMV across the country. It's like they're all practicing for when they get promoted to "Watching Paint Dry Supervisor" positions or something.) That is not the case in Britain. In Britain, it is most definitely the job.

Some of the local government positions that caught the attentive eyes of those at the Sunday Times were the likes of:

• Trampoline coaches ("Jump!" There. I qualify.)



• Skate park attendants ("Roll!" Qualified again! Man, I am good!)


• Flower arrangers (For the government?)


• A “befriending co-ordinator” (What? Like Facebook friending?)



• A £15-an-hour yoga instructor. ("Sit! Hum!" Yep, qualified.)
  

In Newcastle upon Tyne (for those of you in the US, I couldn't tell you if that's a city-state thing or some sort of a, um, provincial-region thing....orrr....I dunno what it means. But they're bad there! That's all I know! Very, very bad!) they have employed a "breastfeeding peer support co-ordinator” whose purpose in life is to "give mothers advice on how to feed." Huh. You'd think they'd want to offer that sort of advice to the individual who is doing the eating. I know it doesn't sound all that complicated, but they're babies. They're new. They don't know. But if you're just the feedbag, how hard is that to sit there with a breast all lopping out and looking delicious (to the baby! Looking delicious to the baby! Geez.). Doesn't sound hard enough that there needs to be a job to help that sort of thing along.

Also employed (and at the rate of £23,470 per year) is a “composting supervisor” whose job it is "...to run a facility that turns garden waste into compost." Um, doesn't garden waste turn itself into compost?

But that doesn't even come close to comparing to the "part-time sword bearer and mace bearer." Their jobs are "...to clear the way for David Wood, the mayor, on ceremonial occasions." Wow. Your own personal mace bearer. I have got to get me one of those! How cool would that be? Pretty cool! (By the way, the mayor also gets not one, not two, not three, but four, "four chauffeur-butlers, collectively paid more than £60,000 a year." A butler would be pretty cool too. I'd definitely name mine Jeeves. Absolutely. What? They already have names when they come to slave work for you?! I did not get that memo. Or, at least, that's what I'm telling my new butler, Stan Jeeves.

"Tewkesbury council in Gloucestershire (See my explanation for Newcastle upon Tyne for what that means.) deemed it necessary to appoint a “falls prevention fitness adviser”, primarily to help elderly people." Fitness adviser? To help elderly people to not fall down? Here's a tip: Knock off the fitness! They're elderly! It says so right there! Unless they're Jack LaLane, no fitness! They're frail and weak.

Angus in Scotland has an undefined "bouncy castle attendant” for the low, low yearly salary of £13,000. (Those blow-up things for children's parties or drunken adult barbecues?) Falkirk has a part-time “toothbrush assistant” whose job entails "teaching nursery children how to clean their teeth." (OK, wait. That one might be legit. I think I had two of those when I was growing up. One of them I called 'Mom' and the other one I called 'Dad'. They worked for free. Thank God.) There is also a “cheerleading development officer”.

If I lived in Glasgow, it wouldn't be for long. Especially after I found out about the taxpayer funded “street mediator” "to deal with children hanging around on street corners" at the cost of £17,000-a-year. Even if I stuck around with that, I'd definitely be packing my bags or looking for ways to be deported after learning of the career opportunities available for one as a “chewing gum removal labourer."

You'll find that those of Windsor & Maidenhead in Berkshire "cannot do without the services of a “roller disco coach” every Saturday night." "Tendring council in north Essex has recruited a part-time worker to compare tea dances at a leisure centre." (Really? So, like 'Dancing With the Stars'? Only without 'Stars'? Do they have to shout like that Bruno guy? That'd be fun to watch. I could see the entertainment value in that one. Other than that, I couldn't find a shred of usefulness if I tried.) And in Redditch council in Worcestershire you will find that they have "...put a Punch and Judy performer on the payroll as part of a programme of summer activities." (Punch and Judy, according to Wikipedia, which I'll grant can be written to say anything that anyone bloody wants it to say, describes Punch as "The stereotypical view of Punch casts him as a deformed, child-murdering, wife-beating psychopath who commits appalling acts of violence and cruelty upon all those around him and escapes with impunity; this is greatly enjoyed by small children.")

While I was rather appalled at this sort of thing seeming to be widespread across Britain, I'm not from there and I don't live there. However, I would have hoped that there would be some sort of comparable outrage to that which I would definitely have if I did live there. As it is now, I'm not so much filled with rage as much as I am fear that these non-jobs will start appearing more frequently in the US as a result of "change". But when I read the article on the Times Online, I was surprised at the comments. First of all, there were only 10 comments. And of the measly 10, 7 of them were in favor of the 'non-jobs' and staunchly defended them. The other three comments were not necessarily against this sort of thing, though. (One person simply wrote "I know a chap who was a toilet inspector." I had no idea whether or not to classify that as 'for' or 'against' asinine jobs that waste taxpayer money.) Click on over to a story about Susan Boyle and find 48 comments.

::: sigh :::

A spokesman for the Local Government Association justified these positions by stating: 'From lollipop ladies to street cleaners and librarians, town halls employ people that provide more than 800 vital services that many local residents rely on to get through the day." Yeah, how we'd all make it through the day without our "lollipop ladies" is beyond me. Seriously, does anyone really wonder about the fiscal mess that all levels of government seem to be struggling with? Is anyone at all perplexed as to how things came to be as they are? It seems pretty obvious, yet it continues. Odd. Well, good luck with this one, Britain. You're going to need it.

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