Something's Missing

All I know about this story here is that it feels like something isn't quite right. I don't know if I'm missing part of the story or if everyone involved is just a moron or a weirdo. I'm guessing it's probably the latter, but you never know. All I'm saying is that you don't hear about this very often. And when I say "this", I mean a guy who sought police protection from his wife who has an "insatiable sexual appetite". Uh-huh. What now?

You got it. According to The Register, a Turkish fellow "...living in Germany has asked cops to protect him from his sex-mad missus". Wait a minute. Why does it matter that he's Turkish? If they're not going to tell me how he got to Germany or if it isn't relevant in any other way, I don't care. Aside from that, however, what exactly does he mean "protect him"? Well, again referring to the article at The Register, "The bleary-eyed victim of his wife's "voracious embraces" walked into a police station in the southwestern city of Waiblingen on Tuesday to explain he'd spent four years kipping on the sofa in a vain attempt to get some shut-eye." Apparently, kipping is like a nap. I would have rather had them tell me that than that all of this took place in the southwestern city of Waiblingen. I can't wrap my head around the location of Waiblingen, but I would have completely been able to comprehend what a nap was if they had bothered to include that.

But seriously, four years? Sleeping on the sofa in an attempt to escape his wife always wanting to have sex with him? He's been married to this chick for eighteen years and they have two kids. That doesn't seem like he's always been opposed to it. There are way too many unknowns in this story for me to just choose a side.

On the one hand, it could sound as if the guy has every guys dream with his seemingly nympho of a wife there. Who would turn down a wife who is wanting sex every night? On the other hand, we know nothing about his wife. Think about it. How large is she? What's her hygiene like? Is she missing teeth? Bald or no? What sort of stuff is she into? (I'm not going to elaborate on that one. I'm going to leave it up to you as to why a humongous, fragrant, toothless, hairless woman would not exactly rev up the desires of her man.) I'm not so sure that we shouldn't be thinking that this guy is nuts and instead should be feeling sorry for him.

I still think it's weird that he's stuck around for as long as he has. I mean, four years of sleeping/napping on the sofa seems like a bit much. I am leaning toward asking the question of how long it could possibly take him to perform his marital duties. Couldn't he just fake it? Is there reverse Viagara? She's not going to be clamoring all over him if he's displaying a limp shrimp all of the time. I wonder if once he gets all caught up on his sleep if he'll start missing all of the sex. Don't get me wrong, sleep is great. Sex is better, though. Usually. But probably not with her. I think I'm done here. (But before I finish, I have to thank my friend Liz for bringing all of this German sex craziness to my attention! Nice job! Thanks!)

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Paging Charles Darwin

In an unfortunate instance at the SF Zoo in December, 2006, a tiger escaped from its enclsoure, killed one person and mauled two others before the tiger ended up being shot and killed for (in reality) just doing what tigers do. And while extremely unfortunate and unfair for the tiger, it was either that or let the tiger run the zoo and eat whoever she wanted (which is really not a good promotion for ticket sales). But what about if the tiger was going all "tiger" on someone and the tiger wasn't in it's enclosure and the person that the tiger was tango-ing with wasn't a zookeeper or someone else who had a legitimate reason to be in there with the tiger? Then what? Let the tiger be a tiger or help out the moron who ended up in the tiger's cage? Do we help them or do we page Charles Darwin and let him take care of it? What if it were a polar bear and not a tiger? See, that's a fairly important distinction to make here because it was a polar bear and it was a moron who climbed down into the polar bear's enclosure. Hilarity did not ensue. Video did. Hilarity? Not so much.

Enter The Berlin Zoo in (surprise) Berlin, Germany. It would seem, at least according to CNN, that a woman who was at the zoo apparently felt the need to be a bit closer to the polar bear exhibit and so she "...climbed a fence and jumped into its habitat during feeding time." Now, while going into the polar bear area is a remarkably stupid thing to do, it's at least twice as stupid to do so during feeding time. Hell-o! It's right there in the name! Feeding time! The time when polar bears feed, that is correct.

The folks across the pond at Mirror.co.uk, described the scene as "...the terrifying moment when a woman tried to make friends with one of the world's most fearsome predators." Does anyone really think of the polar bear as "one of the world's most fearsome predators?" At first? I'm going to have to say no, they don't. To most people, it's a bear in the sense that a teddy bear is a bear also. It just doesn't register that this is an animal that would have no problem ripping you to shreds, no matter how nice you were to it. Yes, even if you just wanted to pet it, the polar bear would still want to eat you. Why? Because humans are made of meat, that is correct.

The Mirror.co.uk is much kinder in it's assessment of the situation that I am going to be as it states "Apparently oblivious to the danger she leapt a fence and scaled a wall to jump into an enclosure containing four polar bears." Apparently oblivious to the danger? I'm thinking this chick is oblivious to a lot more than just danger. She doesn't seem to be so keenly aware of 'Keep Out" signs either, not to mention, seeming to have lost any sort of a grip on reality and or common sense. That woman should not be allowed to wander freely about. Or, then again, maybe she should and then we could just let that work itself out on its own with a little Darwinian nudging.

After jumping into the enclosure where the meat-eating bears are kept, the woman then had to swim 30 meters to get to where the bears were! That's a little over 90 feet, which is a bit farther than I would want to travel in order to put my made of meat self directly in front of a carnivorous beast at feeding time. But she was OK with it. She was OK with the whole process...right up until the time that, according to a witness, the bear "...pounced on her in the water and seemed to grab her neck in his jaws." Again, what is with the people in this story trying to downplay this whole deal? "Seemed to grab?" It's a polar bear and a person. No offense, witness person, but you don't have to worry about the polar bear suing you for slander or libel or anything if you had just said, "grabbed her neck." I know it grabbed, you know it grabbed. There's no need to try and pretty up the story by inserting "seemed" there.

The polar bear grabbed and bit and the woman yelled and screamed. Seem about right to you? Me too. Seems about right. Meanwhile, some of the zookeepers tried to distract the bear while others attempted to rescue the woman by throwing useless styrofoam life rings at her and trying to hoist her up out of the moat. I understand that the styrofoam rings may have been all that was available and at their disposal for this rescue, but look at the picture below on this woman getting chomped on. A styrofoam life ring is not going to be the most effective life saving device with a person of her, um, stature. She seems to be a sturdy gal, probably tough to knock down. Styrofoam will not be of service to a woman of her girth.

Continuing with what seems to be a pattern of speaking kindly and in a non-accusatory manner by the folks over there at the zoo, a police spokesman stated: "The woman has proved herself to be careless by jumping into the enclosure." Um, NO. The woman has proved herself to be either a dumbass or a crazy person, quite possibly a little of each, by jumping into the enclosure. Careless is when you leave your shoes lying out where someone can trip over them. Jumping into a moat filled with polar bears is idiotic.


This genius spokesperson also said, "Logic tells us that polar bears will do this type of thing in this situation." Um, wrong again! Nature tells us that polar bears will be polar bears. When he says "This type of thing" does he mean "be a bear"? It's what he should mean, but I don't think he did.

It is thought the perhaps the woman wanted to be close to Knut. Knut, in case you missed it, was the first polar bear born in Berlin in 30 years back in 2006. You would have thought that Knut was really Brad Pitt in a furry white suit because about the same number of people who are obsessed with Brad Pitt were obsessed with that little bear (who is now a big and bite-y bear now).This is mental illness at it's finest and it's being treated as an incident involving a "careless" woman and a polar bear who acts out of "logic". ::::: sigh:::::::

Below is video of the bear being a bear and the woman being a moron. When I saw the link proclaiming "Watch polar bear attack woman," I wasn't real sure I wanted to see it, but I watched it for two reasons. One, it was only a minute long and I have a short attention span. Two, the media sucks, therefore making it at least probable that it was being sensationalized in order to attract viewers. Taking the second reason foremost into consideration, I watched it and I was right. There's nothing in there that I would call horrifying or terrifying or any -ify-ing words to describe it. It does contain one of the styrofoam life rings breaking in half as they try to lift the woman out of the enclosure a la a derrick, thus providing a bit of amusement.

But what if the bear had really gone all bear on this woman and started tearing her apart? Are we supposed to shoot the bear at that point? I guess, as an alleged civilized society, we kind of have to. But if you're someone who jumps in a moat to be with polar bears, that behavior right there classifies you as a moron. So does that mean we have to be civilized and infiltrated with the unwise as well? Seems sort of like, in the long run, we might be better off doing it the other way instead. I'll bet these sort of instances don't happen very often after letting it just work itself out, I'll tell you that.

The good photos in this post were swiped with neither permission, nor malice, from Sky News, which was the only site that I found that had something other than the same AP article (which was regurgitated by all other sites) and the same freeze frame shot from the video (which was also regurgitated by all other sites). They captioned the photo of the bear actually attacking the woman with: "This was the predictable, if shocking, outcome." Nice job, Sky News guys.

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That's Not Fat

I don't know if it's a good thing or a not so good thing that at least the United States isn't the only asinine country where the ideal weight for a woman is slightly less than that of a broomstick (which, incidentally, is about what women look like after they have achieved said weight). The US has this misconception about what is "thin" and what is "fat" in regard to a woman's appearance. For some reason, it's thought of as extremely attractive to be extremely thin. Oh, but not too thin! But they'll let you know when you get there. But until you hear otherwise, you're fat.

First ridiculous case in point was Jessica Simpson. Now, I've recently learned that she is not one of the yellow cartoon characters on that show with Bart and Homer. She is, apparently, some sort of singer type who dates Tony Romo. (And, just so we're all clear, I've also learned that he is not the guy with the fantastic BBQ ribs, as that is a Tony Roma. Tony Romo is the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys. She dates him. Now we're all caught up.) She also played Daisy Duke in the God-awful Dukes of Hazzard movie. She was nowhere near sultry Catherine Bach material at all. But behold anyway! Daisy Duke in Daisy Dukes!

OK, so that was her in 2005. This is her a couple of weeks ago. Behold! Normal!

After photos like the one above began circulating, people started acting as if she were a beached whale that had to be lifted by crane onto the stage. There was all of the talk about how much weight she had gained and look how fat she was. Um, what? Granted, in the Dukes of Hazzard movie? Much thinner, agreed. But that's not a normal weight. That's not something that anyone can maintain without surviving on a lifelong diet consisting only of dust and Chiclets.

And while I'll grant that the jeans were probably not the best choice (no one needs a pleated front. Please. Does no one else watch What Not To Wear? Stacy and Clinton are very against the pleat!), it could have been worse. And listen, all of the references to her in her "mom jeans" are really misdirected. You know who wears the "mom jeans"? Bill Parcells! Behold!

Heckuva coach. Helluva dresser.

So back to the unnatural expected weight of women in society and culture. In Germany, there is apparently some designer guy named (I swear) Wolfgang Joop. (Nooooo...that doesn't sound gay at all!) This Joop fellow and other fashion constituents (ie, snobs) has recently said that Heidi Klum (rhymes with "broom". You can remember that because it's what models are supposed to resemble if you ask guys like Joop), who hosts the Bravo TV show "Project Runway" (known to some people's mother, no matter how many times you correct her, as "Project Runaway"), is too fat. Wait. What?

OK, he didn't use the term "fat". According to Bild, he said, “No way. She is no runway model! Heidi Klum is simply too heavy and has too big a bust. And she always grins so stupidly. That is not avant-garde – that is commercial!” I don't know so much about the grinning. Isn't that what all models do? Grin and look pretty? I don't mind it. It's better than being scowled at by someone really hot. But "too heavy"? I...I...I just don't see how! And "too big a bust"? I'm sorry, but I really don't think that's possible. And looking at the photo over there, I'm pretty sure it's not possible.

Are we sure this guy is a top German fashion designer? He looks like Dr. Smith from Lost in Space.

What is it with the Germans and their dislike for Heidi Klum? Joop isn't the only one who thinks that she's too large. The head of Louisa Models, a modeling agency in Germany, Louisa von Minckwitz thinks that, “Heidi has hips and voluptuous curves. Ideal measurements for a catwalk model are 87-58-88. Heidi has 91-69-94." Argh! Stupid metric system. Those measurements are in centimeters. To convert to something that I'll know what it is, I'm going to need inches. Let's see...carry the one...thirteen...twenty....carry again.....OK! Got it! In inches, that crazy modeling agency Nazi thinks that the ideal measurements for a catwalk model are 34-23-35. And if I am remembering correctly, those are about the measurements that an actual cat might have! In contrast, the not too heavy and beautifully busted Ms. Klum's measurements are 36-27-37, which are about the equivalent to a large cat. Seriously, what are they talking about?!

Ms. von Nitwit also says that “At 1.76 metres she is five centimetres too short." TWO inches too short?! Is there some sort of model sign on the runway with a funny looking cartoon character holding his arm out that reads, "You must be at least this tall to model on this runway"? I don't think there is! What is wrong with people?! Now she's fat AND too tall! She's a giant whale! Run!

Oh, let's throw another moron into the mix! Let's add a one seventy-five year old "fashion guru" named Karl Lagerfel, who dismissed her by saying, “I don’t know Heidi Klum. She was never known in France. Claudia Schiffer also doesn’t know who she is.” Dude, I'll bet you Claudia Schiffer does know who she is. Those model types, they all tend to know each other. I'm guessing that's because they're always watching their back for the others. And a lot of the time, people tend to relate better to others who are in their same field. Like in the case of models, they're going to want to call another model chick when they need someone to hold their hair back so that they can vomit up their latest meal. People not in the modeling profession wouldn't really understand that so much. So I'll still bet that Claudia Schiffer knows who she is. I'll just hope she doesn't think that she's fat.

But speaking of how people look, um....Mr. Lagerfel? Dude? What is with the formaldehyde preserved Amadeus look you have going on there? You can look like that, but this woman, this Heidi Klum, this is the person whom and the others quoted above think is too heavy, too busty, too tall and unknown?! Have I mentioned that she will be appearing in GQ this month? Not just IN GQ, she'll be on the cover! THIS is the woman of whom you speak of not being good enough to grace your presence? HER:

Huh. Funny, she doesn't strike me as being too heavy, too busty or too damn tall. She just strikes me. Wow. If that isn't good enough for you people, then nothing is. But don't try to make everyone else think that it's not good enough for them either. Where exactly, do those lunatics think that she should lose her "heaviness"? I'm looking, but I can't seem to zero in on the problem areas. Maybe because there aren't any. Time to give up this ridiculous notion of what fat looks like if you're one of those that thinks that the photos above are it. Because if people just stop and think about it for two seconds, they'll realize that we've all seen fat and Heidi Klum and Jessica Simpson are not it.

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Avoiding Comas Through Vomit

They seem to be having a problem with teenage drunkenness over there in Germany. Oh, wait. They're having an 'epidemic' of teenage drunkenness over there in Germany. When you're talking epidemic, you've definitely left the realm of 'the problem'. You're into a whole new territory when you have an epidemic on your hands (and a drunken one at that). Far be it from the Germans to ever sit around and let something get so far out of control that there's no stopping it. (Well, with the exception of that World War II thing and that dictator guy who got a little overzealous on occasion. Aside from that incident, the Germans are on top things.) So, according to my favorite source for all of my German news in English, The Local, "A new campaign to combat an epidemic of teenage drunkenness in Germany will distribute 1.5 million beer coasters with pictures of teens passed out in puddles of vomit." I see. Wait. What?

The rationale behind this idea, it would seem is that "The graphic images on beer coasters are supposed to remind teenagers of the consequences of over-imbibing." Funny. When I see pictures of people passed out in puddles of vomit, it reminds me of how much I dislike vomit. Mine, yours, anyone's really. Not a fan. I doubt it would encourage me to under-imbibe (nothing else has).

The campaign is apparently using what they consider to be "... the English-language slogan "Don't drink too much - Stay Gold". Is that an "English-language slogan" because it's in English? or is that an "English-language slogan" because they think that we say that? ("We" being those of us who speak English, I guess.) If it's the latter, um, we don't. Speaking strictly for myself (and everyone I've ever met in my life) I have never once uttered the "English-language slogan" "Don't drink too much - Stay Gold." Never. (Stay gold. Isn't that from the SE Hinton book "The Outsiders"? "Stay gold, Ponyboy. Stay gold." I think it is. I think that the one guy said it right before he died. And it was to remind Ponyboy to stay the way that he was; an innocent youth. Nice choice, German campaign organizer guys. Nice choice. This may not end well.)

I wanted to know how big of a problem/epidemic we were talking about here and fortunately, a one Jörg Schönbohm, who is the Interior Minister of Brandenburg (and seems to have knowledge about this situation), has said that “The boozing goes on until they hit a coma." In which case, I'd have to agree that "a coma" is problematic. Now, I've never "hit a coma" from drinking (I've hit the floor a couple of times, but never a coma), but if you're a teenager who is drinking a lot, it would probably be easier for you to "hit a coma" than it would for me. And that's a shame because those teenage years should really be coma-free for the most part.

Part of the problem with all of the teenage drinking is something called a flat-rate party. (By the way, those lucky Germans get to drink beer and wine when they are 16 and the hard stuff when they are 18. Man, I could have used some laws like that in high school, I'll tell you what.) A flat-rate party is when you pay a set price and can you can drink yourself silly until you "hit a coma" if you'd like. It's like an all-you-can-drink buffet. Apparently, "In 2007, 26 percent of German children consumed more than five drinks in a row, the definition of binge drinking, up from 20 percent the year before. More than 20,000 German youth were hospitalized for binge drinking in 2007." 20,000?? Good Lord, people. Slow down. You don't want to get so drunk that you don't end up having ill-advised drunken sex later on in the evening!

And the solution to all of this drunken mayhem in Germany (in English) is coasters with disgusting images of those who have "over-imbibed" (and, from the looks of things, definitely won't be doing any drunken fornicating). "One coaster has a picture of a teenage boy, dancing at a party and showing off his washboard abs. The flip side of the coaster shows the same teenager, passed out after wetting his pants." Behold!

"Another coaster shows a drunken football fan sitting in a pool of his own vomit." Lovely. I mean, behold!

Oh, that is off-putting. These are quite a bit different from the US Ad Council's awareness campaign about underage drinking. It's subtle, but I think you'll get it.

Yeah, that is definitely different than this:

Now, I'm not saying that nothing should be done about this problem. But come on....do you really expect a bunch of teenagers to use coasters for cryin' out loud?

Suit Yourself

Lots of modern technology available to those in law enforcement these days. Lots of it. Did I say lots? I meant lots and lots. And apparently the German police want nothing to do with it. No, they seem to have their own secret weapon in the fight against crime. That's right. Tree suits. Wait. What?

Apparently, over there in Germany in Bochum in North Rhine-Westphalia, there had been a bunch of burglaries in a short period of time. Now, the details on all of this are a little sketchy, just so you know that I'm not leaving anything else. (Please. Me? Leave something out?!), but according to Bild, "A passer-by had earlier discovered bin bags containing laptops, clothes and tools for breaking in. It was immediately clear what it was – a burglar’s lair!" Now, it doesn't tell the reader what the passer-by was passing by, nor does it mention how one who is just 'passing by' discovers all of the 'bin bags' (which I am assuming is fancy European talk for 'trash bags') filled with loot. It also leaves out the most important item, that being that apparently in Germany they still use the term 'lair'. But you now know as much as I do.

The passer by alerted the cops to the lair loot, who then had to come up with a way to nab the bandit. (Bild tries to make this sound just as exciting as it can be, but it's not all that exciting to begin with, so the noble effort falls a little short.) The article says, "Inspector Michael L. (27) was keen to catch the crook red-handed. He said: “I discussed with my colleague how we could camouflage ourselves in the forest. Then we discovered the suit in a mail-order catalogue and bought two for €100 each – out of our own pockets.” "

The suits to which Michael L (shouldn't there be a little disclaimer that says "Not his real name" and then a shadowy silhouette?) refers to are tree suits. Suits that look like trees. Trees that are really suits. Tree suits. Yes, those tree suits. Wait. Huh? Behold! Tree suits! Suits that look like trees!

I don't know if I'd call that a "tree". It kind of looks like vertical pond scum. I guess the German trees are of the rather mossy variety? It's certainly not what I think of when I think of "trees". But hey, what's going on over there in Germany, anyway?! What the heck kind of a catalog do y'all have just lying around with tree suits for sale in it? What else is for sale in that catalog? Flower suits? Suits that look like big bees? Gingerbread men? What kind of a catalog is this?!

Well, we never find out any more about the catalog. Next thing we know, the cops have donned the tree suits and they now look like trees. Then they waited in the forest with the other trees that were not suits. And they waited. And they waited. And they waited. All the while? Correct, wearing the suits of trees. But again, not looking so much like trees as they did just outdoor green stuff (as you can clearly see, or not see, from the photo below. They're in there!).

Finally, after eight tree-like hours, they heard a car approach. According to someone (again, Bild, not all that great with the details there, folks.) “As we jumped up from the ground, we were immediately attacked. But we were able to overwhelm and arrest the man.” OK, well, in defense of the criminal, you guys are kind of lucky to be alive. Personally, if I'm in the forest (regardless as to whether or not I'm going to my lair for my booty of hidden stash) and suddenly some trees start coming at me? There wouldn't be a calm resolution to the situation, I'll tell you that right now! If I found myself in the middle of an episode of "When Arbors Attack", I'm going to grab the nearest ill-begotten bin bag and hope that I had stolen an axe at some point during my crime spree. I can't say I blame the guy for "attacking".

Turns out, the guy was from Romania and only travelled to Germany just to do the burglarizing. (Geez, talk about a commute. Must have been rather profitable. At least, more profitable than pilfering other people's belongings in your own country. This is why we need border enforcement everywhere!) No word on why he chose to hide everything in a German forest rather than take it back to Romania. And really, no word on why they had to wear tree suits in the first place. Couldn't they have just, oh, I don't know....hid in the forest? It seems like they knew just where he was going to show up (albeit eight hours later, but still, I doubt it was coincidence.), so couldn't they have just planted themselves (pun intended) behind a rock or a potted palm or something and waited? Why the suits? Just to be fancy? People don't like a show off.

So what have we learned from this? Not much, which is kind of the problem. When you read a story and then you end up with more questions than you had when you started (and if you're me, that's a heck of a lot of questions), that's not exactly stellar journalism. It's annoying is what it is. Come on, Bild guys! I know you can do better, so I'm willing to give you another shot. The next time that law enforcement personnel are dressing up in suits they get from some mystery catalog (which probably has something to do with porn) in order to nab some forest bandit, try and do a better job of making sure that you've reported on all angles of the thing. Most importantly, what the heck kind of a catalog was that.

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Spreading Germs in English

Whilst perusing the news over yonder in Germany at The Local (Germany's News In English), I noticed one of the little AdSense ads at the bottom that read: "Cool German Apparel - Get German Apparel and Gifts for your kids, friends and family." Wow. And while I'm really not in the market for any kind of apparel for my non-existent children, my dwindling pool of friends or those other people that I'm technically related to, I was curious as to what "Cool German Apparel" would consist of. (I was also curious as to what "German Apparel" would consist of, because I was guessing it was something other than those armbands with swastikas on them.) Thus, I clicked.

"Cool German Apparel" seems to be the main staple of a Cafe Press store called Spread Germanisms. While I do find that kind of quaint and a tad humorous, I really don't care to think of spreading germs when I'm looking for new apparel. Especially when it's new apparel that's supposed to be all German and all cool and stuff. The "Germanisms" that the site seems to want one to "spread" sure did make me wonder about what goes on over there in Germany. If the German folks are actually wearing shirts like these over there, then the whole country is like the cast of a very large, somewhat funny, medium budget movie with lots of jokes pertaining to anatomies of both genders and many more jokes pertaining the what the anatomies of both genders to to each other and often to one's own self.

And while I did learn some new German words, I didn't really know any old German words and I highly doubt that I'll have many opportunities to use the new ones. In fact, I'll bet that I'll use the new ones about as often as I used the old ones that I didn't know. That is to say, never. But who knows? Maybe you'll have a use for them. By the way, the definitions are the doings of the "Spread Germanisms" folks. They certainly weren't my concoction.

• Zicke - bitch, women with bad attitude (Yeah, I kind of got the "bad attitude" part right after I read "bitch". It's the same in any language.)

• Hengst - Stud, Stallion, also guy who has the "magic" to get any chick he wants (Those who think that they are the "stud" or "stallion" are the ones who SO do not have the "magic" to get that chick he wants. He'd have to be nothing short of David Freaking Copperfield to get some of those chicks out there.)

• Busenwunder - tit wonder, knocker marvel, busty sensation (Ah, yes, the wonder of the busen. You know, I can't really say that I've seen many shirts in the US that say "Tit Wonder" or "Knocker Marvel". And I think I'm little surprised by that, actually.)

• Betthupferl - bedtime sweets or snacks (OK, like what? Are we talking cookies or hookers?)

• Banause - A person that is said to despise or undervalue art, beauty, intellectual content, and/or spiritual values (Is this like an all-or-nothing thing? I pretty much always undervalue art, but only because I can't ever tell what the heck it is or which way to hang it! But that's no reason to judge now, is it? Let's hope not.)

• Liebeskummer - lovesickness, so deeply affected by love as to be unable to act normally (Um, no comment.)

• Schlawiner - cheeky monkey (I'm unfamiliar with the term "cheeky monkey" as it pertains to those in Germany. I am quite familiar with the term "chickie monkey" as it pertains to those (or one) in the US, but I have no idea if they're the same.)

  


• Dummkopf - dumb-head: stupid person, dumbbell, blockhead, fool (I like how they include five different synonyms for the word that means "moron". As if we are the morons they're referring to. And do they really say "dumb-head" in Germany? Are they all 5?)

• Suffkopf - a drunken person who acts like an idiot (Not to be confused with the loads of drunken people who do not act like idiots.)

• Fräuleinwunder - young woman wonder, old-school for spectacular young German woman (Not to be confused with the other "wunders" on the list, nor to be confused with a "young wonder woman", because while still very, very pleasant, it's a totally different "wunder".

• Raufbold - roughneck, hoodlum, streetwise toughguy (A "streetwise toughguy"? Lest we get confused with a non-streetwise toughguy or a streetwise wimp-ass? Thanks for the all inclusiveness, but we got it.)

• Lebemann - rake or man about town (I have no idea how a "rake" and a "man about town" are the same thing. One's a garden implement and the other is not. And really, I don't know what a "man about town" is at all. Pick a town, any town, and you'll find several "men" about it.)

  

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