Hairy, Nipple-less Models in Berlin

I've never understood fashion shows. It's mainly because the stuff that they're showcasing always seems so unfashionable to me. Hats that are four feet wide. Space boots with a 9-inch stiletto heel. Men wearing plaid skorts. I always look at the stuff and can never think of anyone who would wear it, nor any situation in which it could be worn. Things were a little different this time at Berlin Fashion Week, but not in a way that helped me warm up to any of the ensembles that were displayed.

This time, a one Patrick Mohr came up with outfits that I found to be something that someone might actually wear in real life. It's just unfortunate that he chose to have them go down the catwalk being clad on someone who I don't even think exists in real life. At least, I pray that they don't exist in real life. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? Yeah, it's kind of hard for me to say, exactly. It appears to be a slightly anorexic albino woman who has misplaced her nipples. She also seems to be in desperate need of a Schick razor. A hat wouldn't hurt. I doubt it would help much, but it certainly couldn't hurt. I'm not sure what look he was going for, but he did it for all of his items at this particular show. Behold!

Hmmm. I see a trend. Still rather anorexic looking. Definitely still bald. Obviously still sporting feline-like whiskers for some reason. But again, wearing something that could be worn by a regular person. Which further asks the question as to why he felt the need to have such an irregular person wearing the items. Are there more? Of course there are! Did you really think I'd stop after only two? Behold!

Yes, yes, it seems fairly clear that this is definitely a look that he is going for. The baldness. The overgrown facial hair. The presumably absent nipples. It's very clear that it's intentional. What isn't so clear is why it's intentional.

It's inexplicable. (Completely without splick!) In the one below, he seems to have added a skull cap...and part of a skull! It's like the he-she is from another planet. One that appears to be warm and requires a nice airy tank top in order to stay cool.

But do you see what I'm saying about the clothing being pretty normal? Usually, the clothing at these types of shows are anything but normal. And don't get me wrong. It's not like I'm saying that the models that these shows are usually normal. Because we all know that they're not. But at least they have hair! And at least they also appear to have shaved sometime during the past twelve months. Unless the he-she below who appears to have sprouted a full grown beard, sideburns and a moustache to compliment the abnormally long, cat-like whiskers. I don't know what the message is that Patrick is trying to send, but it I wish he'd send it with a little more hair on the top of the head and a little less hair on the sides of the head. And while he's at it, could he put their nipples back? That would help. Because the way that he has these models looking is a little unnerving is what it is.

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That's Not Fat

I don't know if it's a good thing or a not so good thing that at least the United States isn't the only asinine country where the ideal weight for a woman is slightly less than that of a broomstick (which, incidentally, is about what women look like after they have achieved said weight). The US has this misconception about what is "thin" and what is "fat" in regard to a woman's appearance. For some reason, it's thought of as extremely attractive to be extremely thin. Oh, but not too thin! But they'll let you know when you get there. But until you hear otherwise, you're fat.

First ridiculous case in point was Jessica Simpson. Now, I've recently learned that she is not one of the yellow cartoon characters on that show with Bart and Homer. She is, apparently, some sort of singer type who dates Tony Romo. (And, just so we're all clear, I've also learned that he is not the guy with the fantastic BBQ ribs, as that is a Tony Roma. Tony Romo is the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys. She dates him. Now we're all caught up.) She also played Daisy Duke in the God-awful Dukes of Hazzard movie. She was nowhere near sultry Catherine Bach material at all. But behold anyway! Daisy Duke in Daisy Dukes!

OK, so that was her in 2005. This is her a couple of weeks ago. Behold! Normal!

After photos like the one above began circulating, people started acting as if she were a beached whale that had to be lifted by crane onto the stage. There was all of the talk about how much weight she had gained and look how fat she was. Um, what? Granted, in the Dukes of Hazzard movie? Much thinner, agreed. But that's not a normal weight. That's not something that anyone can maintain without surviving on a lifelong diet consisting only of dust and Chiclets.

And while I'll grant that the jeans were probably not the best choice (no one needs a pleated front. Please. Does no one else watch What Not To Wear? Stacy and Clinton are very against the pleat!), it could have been worse. And listen, all of the references to her in her "mom jeans" are really misdirected. You know who wears the "mom jeans"? Bill Parcells! Behold!

Heckuva coach. Helluva dresser.

So back to the unnatural expected weight of women in society and culture. In Germany, there is apparently some designer guy named (I swear) Wolfgang Joop. (Nooooo...that doesn't sound gay at all!) This Joop fellow and other fashion constituents (ie, snobs) has recently said that Heidi Klum (rhymes with "broom". You can remember that because it's what models are supposed to resemble if you ask guys like Joop), who hosts the Bravo TV show "Project Runway" (known to some people's mother, no matter how many times you correct her, as "Project Runaway"), is too fat. Wait. What?

OK, he didn't use the term "fat". According to Bild, he said, “No way. She is no runway model! Heidi Klum is simply too heavy and has too big a bust. And she always grins so stupidly. That is not avant-garde – that is commercial!” I don't know so much about the grinning. Isn't that what all models do? Grin and look pretty? I don't mind it. It's better than being scowled at by someone really hot. But "too heavy"? I...I...I just don't see how! And "too big a bust"? I'm sorry, but I really don't think that's possible. And looking at the photo over there, I'm pretty sure it's not possible.

Are we sure this guy is a top German fashion designer? He looks like Dr. Smith from Lost in Space.

What is it with the Germans and their dislike for Heidi Klum? Joop isn't the only one who thinks that she's too large. The head of Louisa Models, a modeling agency in Germany, Louisa von Minckwitz thinks that, “Heidi has hips and voluptuous curves. Ideal measurements for a catwalk model are 87-58-88. Heidi has 91-69-94." Argh! Stupid metric system. Those measurements are in centimeters. To convert to something that I'll know what it is, I'm going to need inches. Let's see...carry the one...thirteen...twenty....carry again.....OK! Got it! In inches, that crazy modeling agency Nazi thinks that the ideal measurements for a catwalk model are 34-23-35. And if I am remembering correctly, those are about the measurements that an actual cat might have! In contrast, the not too heavy and beautifully busted Ms. Klum's measurements are 36-27-37, which are about the equivalent to a large cat. Seriously, what are they talking about?!

Ms. von Nitwit also says that “At 1.76 metres she is five centimetres too short." TWO inches too short?! Is there some sort of model sign on the runway with a funny looking cartoon character holding his arm out that reads, "You must be at least this tall to model on this runway"? I don't think there is! What is wrong with people?! Now she's fat AND too tall! She's a giant whale! Run!

Oh, let's throw another moron into the mix! Let's add a one seventy-five year old "fashion guru" named Karl Lagerfel, who dismissed her by saying, “I don’t know Heidi Klum. She was never known in France. Claudia Schiffer also doesn’t know who she is.” Dude, I'll bet you Claudia Schiffer does know who she is. Those model types, they all tend to know each other. I'm guessing that's because they're always watching their back for the others. And a lot of the time, people tend to relate better to others who are in their same field. Like in the case of models, they're going to want to call another model chick when they need someone to hold their hair back so that they can vomit up their latest meal. People not in the modeling profession wouldn't really understand that so much. So I'll still bet that Claudia Schiffer knows who she is. I'll just hope she doesn't think that she's fat.

But speaking of how people look, um....Mr. Lagerfel? Dude? What is with the formaldehyde preserved Amadeus look you have going on there? You can look like that, but this woman, this Heidi Klum, this is the person whom and the others quoted above think is too heavy, too busty, too tall and unknown?! Have I mentioned that she will be appearing in GQ this month? Not just IN GQ, she'll be on the cover! THIS is the woman of whom you speak of not being good enough to grace your presence? HER:

Huh. Funny, she doesn't strike me as being too heavy, too busty or too damn tall. She just strikes me. Wow. If that isn't good enough for you people, then nothing is. But don't try to make everyone else think that it's not good enough for them either. Where exactly, do those lunatics think that she should lose her "heaviness"? I'm looking, but I can't seem to zero in on the problem areas. Maybe because there aren't any. Time to give up this ridiculous notion of what fat looks like if you're one of those that thinks that the photos above are it. Because if people just stop and think about it for two seconds, they'll realize that we've all seen fat and Heidi Klum and Jessica Simpson are not it.

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It's Not Fashion

You have most likely never heard of John Galliano and that's OK. I really can't imagine that you would have needed to know who he is at any point in your life. Trust me, if you did need to know who the guy is and what he does, you would have. From what I can tell, the guy has definitely carved out a niche for himself and it's a good thing that niches, as a general rule, are quite small.

John Galliano is a designer. He designs "clothing". I've quoted "clothing" there because I suppose that whatever one is wearing is considered "clothing", however it is not the kind of apparel that I (or you I'm hoping) would consider "clothing". It is the kind of apparel that I would consider burning.

The Paris Fashion Week Fall/Winter 2009/2010 was last week. (Already?! I know! I couldn't believe it myself! It seems like I was just talking about this....never.) A whole week devoted to fashion? Hmmm. I'd say that the amount of time I spend thinking about my own personal fashion each day would be 30-35 seconds. Tops. (I sleep in sweats in case I'm running late in the morning and don't have time to get dressed.) I cannot fathom who could spend an entire week thinking about fashion. I can't fathom why such an elusive individual would do such a thing either. And I realize 'to each their own' (or some crap like that), but this is "clothing". Thus, if someone else is going to be wearing something and I am going to be around that person, I am going to have to see the clothing and therefore I will be affected by the clothing that they're wearing. That is why this John Galliano character and the whole Fashion-Palooza deal has me concerned. Behold! Concern:

Oh, what the hell is that? That is a satyr. A satyr is a creature that is half goat and half man. According to the Greeks, the satyr is a frolicking fellow who dances about whilst playing some sort of pipe and chasing nymphs of the female persuasion all the live long day. (It has all the makings of the outdoor forest version of the Playboy Mansion.) John Galliano's "creation" there uses the satyr as it's inspiration. Or as the object which to exactly model his creation after! Is it for Halloween? What's with the cards on his forehead? Is he on his way to play poker with the undead? The goated? What's with the blonde, curly, Brazilian goatee? I've seen stuff like this only in nightmares that I've had after consuming just a bit too much Taco Bell. WHO, who, who is going to wear that? I don't even think a goat would be wearing that, let alone the man (and the man is the one with the opposable thumbs, which come in handy when attempting to dress oneself).

Oh, but wait. There's more to the goat man than meets the eye. Behold! Full-body shot goat-man with cards on his head!

Are those feathers? On his legs? Why do we need those? Is it for Muppets? Ladies, does your man have a hankering to walk around looking for dogs to play poker with the cards on his head? All the while powdered down from head to toe in wig dust and sporting a lovely flat toed golden boot on his foot? Then do I have the outfit for....what? No? Huh. Interesting. You'd think the way that they're talking, there would really be some demand.

Of course, as I continued to read about this spectacle, the one thing that the articles focused on was the "poor economy" and the subsequent speculation as to whether that will have an effect on the show and the way that people look at the "clothing" that has been designed by Galliano and host of other creative souls. Why does it have to be the economy that would stop people from attending these shows and buying those things? (I'm still not convinced anyone has ever bought a one of these outfits. I'll need to see a receipt before I'm fully on board with that concept.) Why can't common sense kick in once in a while and realize that those outfits are crazy?! It's not too much to ask, is it? Let's see...would you rather have common sense and not have this worn or no common sense and this atrocity. Behold!

Ah, yes. The perfect out fit for the man in your life that just loves a rather large, mesh bow that is roughly the size of Kansas jutting out from the side of his neck! Yes, expect Brad Pitt to be sporting one any day now! (And probably along with that ridiculous newsboy cap he's always wearing. That oughta turn some heads...away.) That outfit is clearly the cousin of Aretha Franklin's hat.

The look of the Galliano is an oddly diverse one that I am at a loss to explain why it even exists. Again, it begs the question: Who is wearing this stuff? I haven't seen it! ANYWHERE! I watch TV! And for whatever I miss, I have an excellent source that keeps me up to date. I have seen none of these. Oh, but please! If you have seen them somewhere, do tell! Point me in the direction where you last saw this walking down the street:

You think that it's foreclosures that bring down housing prices? You try having that strut across the front lawns of suburbia and see what happens to housing prices then. Foreclosures have got nothing on the, uh, the...crack pirate there or whatever he is. That thing on his head? I think that's the bird that flew into the engine of the USAirways plane a couple of weeks ago! He really should have gone with a parrot instead.

Galliano seems to have a thing for men's underwear as well. (Yeah, that's a real shock. The dude's name emblazoned on the front of men's brief. A complete surprise!) Here are some of his underwear themed creations that will scare the holy beejeezus out of most people. Behold!

I cannot tell what the design is on the guy on the left. The one wearing the swim cap from 1932 and a tuxedo collar, that is correct. It appears to be some sort of odd three pronged homage to the male unit, but I can't really tell for sure (and I'm OK with that). The middle dude? Um, I'm guessing the only reason that this is the image that was released of this item is because, due to what appears to be a lack of sufficient girth, the model did not want to be identified. Either that or he felt it best to highlight the brief with only his muscular arms clad in a less than muscular (and far from masculine) netting fabric. As far as the guy on the right who stole the tuxedo collar from the guy on the left (and quite possibly his powdered wig thing from the legs of the goat-man above), was that his inauguration outfit? I don't know what the front of his brief says either. What is with this Galliano guy and the reading material on the frontal regions of the male undergarments? Listen, if I'm in a situation where I can get close enough to read that, I'm pretty sure that I've got other things on my mind at that moment. (Like how I got myself in a situation where I can get close enough to read that!)

He also seems to have some sort of anger toward the Revolutionary War era as he has come up with these designs as well! (Act now! Call today! Operators are standing by!)

The guy with the satchel there on the right? Is he the look of the Pony Express for the New Millennium? And that hat! Aretha, baby! You've gotta call this Galliano guy next time you're in the market for a hat that is shaped like a boat and that you can see from space. He'll do you right, I promise!

They all look rather angry, don't they? I suppose I would do if I found myself wearing a powdered wig and knee high boots. That's enough to make anyone cranky, really. But if you do see someone all angry and powdered up like this (and looking for his horse to deliver the mail), let me know! Or at least ask to see a receipt. (And make sure that they're not wearing a sandwich board and ringing a bell at the time you've seen them. That could explain a lot. It couldn't explain all of this, but it could explain that. Carry on.)

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