Arrrr!

Arrrrr, matey! That's correct. The day you've been waiting for (or are just learning about) is finally here. It has finally bestowed itself upon us! Today, September 19, as it is every September 19 (and has been since 1995) is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Arrrrr. Avast! Arrrgh again!

Now, I'm sure you're sitting there thinking, "WTF is Talk Like A Pirate Day? Arrgh?" That's pretty much the initial reaction from most people, from what I can tell. Here's the scoop: Back in 1995 a couple of regular guy guys, John Baur and Mark Summers, just started talking pirate talk whilst playing racquetball one day. (No, they're not gay lovers. And never were. Or will be.) After noticing how the pirate talk made the game go by faster while at the same time making it all the more entertaining, the boys decided that there should be an entire day where everyone just speaks like a pirate. (Guys are very into formalizing crazy ideas they come up with. It seems as if that strategy makes their ideas all the more valid. Thus, if there is a specific day for something, well, you have to do it. It's what the day is for, right? Right.)

For reasons that even they don't get, they settled on September 19 because that is the day of Mark's ex-wife's birthday and he felt that was a day he could recall easily. Go figure. And so Talk Like A Pirate Day was kind of born. I say "kind of" because for about 6 years after that, the guys pretty much celebrated it on their own. Just two guys, talking crazy pirate talk together, with or without a racquetball. It wasn't until 2002 when they managed to get hold of Dave Barry's email address and write to him about their day. Their idea was that he would be their national spokesman for TLAPD. And Dave Barry, being Dave Barry and all, thought it was a fabulous idea (even though he used the term "very excellent"). Next thing they know, Dave Barry writes a column about TLAPD which appears in the Miami Herald and an obscure, but fun as hell, quasi-holiday was born.

TLAPD is celebrated in several, yes several different countries and continents including Antarctica (don't ask. I didn't. Frozen pirates. Brrr!). And just in case you're not up on all of your pirate-ese, the Pirate Guys (as they are now known), John (also known as Ol' Chumbucket") and Mark (also known as "Cap'n Slappy"), have a website http://www.talklikeapirate.com/ where they give you tips, answer questions, have pirate vocabulary (in English AND in German!) and have way, way, way more information on this thing that I ever thought there could be. (It's speakin' like a freakin' pirate, for cryin' out loud and...and...shiver me timbers or something like that! How much could there be? A lot, matey. A freaking lot.)

Here's what I've learned:

• Lots of pirate words start with the letter "A". Avast! Ahoy! Aye! Aye aye! And my personal favorite, Arrrr!! No word on why that is, matey.
  
  
• These guys had way too much time on their hands. I have never seen anything so inclusive as their website in my life. Everything you could have ever wanted to know about speaking like a pirate is there. Everything you never wanted to know about speaking like a pirate is there. It's incredible. These guys are some thorough, thorough pirates. Aarrrr!
  
  
• There are several hundred pictures of several hundred different individuals, in various forms of dress and costume, who are celebrating TLAPD in the years past. And while it is TALK Like A Pirate Day, many of the folk seem to think that also means that it is DRESS Like A Pirate Day. Thankfully, you do not have to dress like a pirate to participate in these festivities. But you might find yourself wanting to.


• People really, really, really get into the whole pirate-speak thing on this day. I mean they really get into it. So much in fact that it makes me glad this thing is only once a year. Otherwise I'd fear that there would be a rush of people chopping off one leg at the knee and hopping around on their good leg and a Louisville Slugger with a parrot on their shoulder. That would be bad. And frightening.


• Using the Pirate Name Generator to get your very own pirate name is quite fun. Somehow, I ended up being Mad Ned the Executioner. And you don't have to stop at just names for pirates. You can use the Pirate Ship Name Generator and get a name for your pirate ship. I ended up with the Horrid Buccaneer.


• And speaking of buccaneers (or just using any excuse I can to throw in this joke from the Pirate Guys), "A little boy is trick or treatin' on Halloween by himself. He is dressed as a pirate. At one house, a friendly man asks him, "Where are your buccaneers?" The little boy responds, "On either side o' me 'buccan' head!"

The guys even realized that pirates must need a little bit of lovin' (or booty, as a pirate might say. Arrr!) and on their website they provide the Top Ten Pirate Pick Up Lines. You know, just in case the scurvy hasn't set in yet from those months at sea, surrounded by your mates and wenches. Those wenches can look mighty good when you're delirious and your internal organs are starting to shrivel up due to a lack of fresh water. So if you find yourself in that very situation and are at a loss for words, you can always fall back on their list:

• 10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
  
• 9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
  
• 8. Come on up and see me urchins.
  
• 7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
  
• 6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
  
• 5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?
  
• 4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
  
• 3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
  
• 2. Well blow me down?
  
• And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …
  
• 1. Prepare to be boarded.

And just because they're pirates (sort of), that doesn't mean that they discriminate. Oh, no. No, no! Arrr! Far from it! Aye! They have the Top Ten Pick Up Lines for the Lady Pirates as well.

• 10. What are YOU doing here?
  
• 9. Is that a belayin' pin in yer britches, or are ye ... (this one is never completed)
  
• 8. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!
  
• 7. So, tell me, why do they call ye, "Cap'n Feathersword?"
  
• 6. That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!
  
• 5. Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me "lice ratio!"
  
• 4. I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs!
  
• 3. C'mon, lad, shiver me timbers!
  
• 2. RAMMING SPEED!
  
• ...and the number one Female Pirate Pick-up Line:
  
• 1. You. Pants Off. Now!

Yeah, I'll definitely be giving some of these a shot. It can't hurt. And even if it did, well, that might be good in this case. Arrr!

Now, look, I'll be the first to admit, I thought this was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard of when I first got wind of it. Arrr! But I have to tell you....it grows on you. Quickly. And it is fun as hell! Arrr! Give it a shot. You'll be amazed at how quickly it catches on with co-workers after they're assured that it's a real thing and that at that very moment, people all over the world are speaking pirate and they should too! And they will. (Just make it clear that it's OK, and they'll do it. Trust me. Those co-workers of yours? Gullible as veal calves.) You'll thoroughly enjoy yourself, I promise. Arrr!

Now avast, ye land lubber! (Or something like that.) Go smartly back to thy cubicle with the rest of the bilge rats and sneak yourself a swill of grog. And then hurry up and get those pants off! Talk Like A Pirate Day only lasts for twenty four hours! And I can't think of a better way to spend it than swilling a little grog me self with another pantless pirate. Arrr!

Sphere: Related Content

Me Timbers Are Shiverin'

Arrrrr, matey! That's correct. The day you've been waiting for (or are just learning about) is finally here. It has finally bestowed itself upon us! Today, September 19, as it is every September 19 (and has been since 1995) is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Arrrrr. Avast! Arrrgh again!

Now, I'm sure you're sitting there thinking, "WTF is Talk Like A Pirate Day? Arrgh?" That's pretty much the initial reaction from most people, from what I can tell. Here's the scoop: Back in 1995 a couple of regular guy guys, John Baur and Mark Summers, just started talking pirate talk whilst playing racquetball one day. (No, they're not gay lovers. And never were. Or will be.) After noticing how the pirate talk made the game go by faster while at the same time making it all the more entertaining, the boys decided that there should be an entire day where everyone just speaks like a pirate. (Guys are very into formalizing crazy ideas they come up with. It seems as if that strategy makes their ideas all the more valid. Thus, if there is a specific day for something, well, you have to do it. It's what the day is for, right? Right.)

For reasons that even they don't get, they settled on September 19 because that is the day of Mark's ex-wife's birthday and he felt that was a day he could recall easily. Go figure. And so Talk Like A Pirate Day was kind of born. I say "kind of" because for about 6 years after that, the guys pretty much celebrated it on their own. Just two guys, talking crazy pirate talk together, with or without a racquetball. It wasn't until 2002 when they managed to get hold of Dave Barry's email address and write to him about their day. Their idea was that he would be their national spokesman for TLAPD. And Dave Barry, being Dave Barry and all, thought it was a fabulous idea (even though he used the term "very excellent"). Next thing they know, Dave Barry writes a column about TLAPD which appears in the Miami Herald and an obscure, but fun as hell, quasi-holiday was born.

TLAPD is celebrated in several, yes several different countries and continents including Antarctica (don't ask. I didn't. Frozen pirates. Brrr!). And just in case you're not up on all of your pirate-ese, the Pirate Guys (as they are now known), John (also known as Ol' Chumbucket") and Mark (also known as "Cap'n Slappy"), have a website http://www.talklikeapirate.com/ where they give you tips, answer questions, have pirate vocabulary (in English AND in German!) and have way, way, way more information on this thing that I ever thought there could be. (It's speakin' like a freakin' pirate, for cryin' out loud and...and...shiver me timbers or something like that! How much could there be? A lot, matey. A freaking lot.)

Here's what I've learned:

• Lots of pirate words start with the letter "A". Avast! Ahoy! Aye! Aye aye! And my personal favorite, Arrrr!! No word on why that is, matey.
  
  
• These guys had way too much time on their hands. I have never seen anything so inclusive as their website in my life. Everything you could have ever wanted to know about speaking like a pirate is there. Everything you never wanted to know about speaking like a pirate is there. It's incredible. These guys are some thorough, thorough pirates. Aarrrr!
  
  
• There are several hundred pictures of several hundred different individuals, in various forms of dress and costume, who are celebrating TLAPD in the years past. And while it is TALK Like A Pirate Day, many of the folk seem to think that also means that it is DRESS Like A Pirate Day. Thankfully, you do not have to dress like a pirate to participate in these festivities. But you might find yourself wanting to.


• People really, really, really get into the whole pirate-speak thing on this day. I mean they really get into it. So much in fact that it makes me glad this thing is only once a year. Otherwise I'd fear that there would be a rush of people chopping off one leg at the knee and hopping around on their good leg and a Louisville Slugger with a parrot on their shoulder. That would be bad. And frightening.


• Using the Pirate Name Generator to get your very own pirate name is quite fun. Somehow, I ended up being Mad Ned the Executioner. And you don't have to stop at just names for pirates. You can use the Pirate Ship Name Generator and get a name for your pirate ship. I ended up with the Horrid Buccaneer.


• And speaking of buccaneers (or just using any excuse I can to throw in this joke from the Pirate Guys), "A little boy is trick or treatin' on Halloween by himself. He is dressed as a pirate. At one house, a friendly man asks him, "Where are your buccaneers?" The little boy responds, "On either side o' me 'buccan' head!"

The guys even realized that pirates must need a little bit of lovin' (or booty, as a pirate might say. Arrr!) and on their website they provide the Top Ten Pirate Pick Up Lines. You know, just in case the scurvy hasn't set in yet from those months at sea, surrounded by your mates and wenches. Those wenches can look mighty good when you're delirious and your internal organs are starting to shrivel up due to a lack of fresh water. So if you find yourself in that very situation and are at a loss for words, you can always fall back on their list:

• 10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
  
• 9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
  
• 8. Come on up and see me urchins.
  
• 7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
  
• 6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
  
• 5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?
  
• 4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
  
• 3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
  
• 2. Well blow me down?
  
• And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …
  
• 1. Prepare to be boarded.

And just because they're pirates (sort of), that doesn't mean that they discriminate. Oh, no. No, no! Arrr! Far from it! Aye! They have the Top Ten Pick Up Lines for the Lady Pirates as well.

• 10. What are YOU doing here?
  
• 9. Is that a belayin' pin in yer britches, or are ye ... (this one is never completed)
  
• 8. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!
  
• 7. So, tell me, why do they call ye, "Cap'n Feathersword?"
  
• 6. That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!
  
• 5. Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me "lice ratio!"
  
• 4. I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs!
  
• 3. C'mon, lad, shiver me timbers!
  
• 2. RAMMING SPEED!
  
• ...and the number one Female Pirate Pick-up Line:
  
• 1. You. Pants Off. Now!

Yeah, I'll definitely be giving some of these a shot. It can't hurt. And even if it did, well, that might be good in this case. Arrr!

Now, look, I'll be the first to admit, I thought this was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard of when I first got wind of it. Arrr! But I have to tell you....it grows on you. Quickly. And it is fun as hell! Arrr! Give it a shot. You'll be amazed at how quickly it catches on with co-workers after they're assured that it's a real thing and that at that very moment, people all over the world are speaking pirate and they should too! And they will. (Just make it clear that it's OK, and they'll do it. Trust me. Those co-workers of yours? Gullible as veal calves.) You'll thoroughly enjoy yourself, I promise. Arrr!

Now avast, ye land lubber! (Or something like that.) Go smartly back to thy cubicle with the rest of the bilge rats and sneak yourself a swill of grog. And then hurry up and get those pants off! Talk Like A Pirate Day only lasts for twenty four hours! And I can't think of a better way to spend it than swilling a little grog me self with another pantless pirate. Arrr!

Sphere: Related Content

Stop Saying That

OK, media folks. It's time to pipe down. It's not like there isn't anything out there to write about. But for some reason, if something is mildly interesting or intriguing once, the media interprets that to mean that the public wants 24 hour a day, 7 days a week, wall to wall, blanket coverage of the topic.

Quite frankly, we don't. It's not so much that we don't want to know about whatever it is. We do. Well, we did. We don't now. Some things become so overhyped and sensationalized that you can't read or listen to anything at all without hearing about it. That's when you get to the stage that I'm at. That would be the "STFU" stage, also known as the "If I have to listen to one more person talk about (blank) one more time, I might just have to punch that person in the face." And that very thought, quite literally, goes through my mind these days whenever I hear any of the following:

~ Twitter

~ Facebook

~ Somali Pirates

~ Torture (This can sometimes include waterboarding, but I just heard that Keith Olbermann offered Sean Hannity $1,000 for every second that he can stand being waterboarded. Now THAT I want to hear about because if there's anyone that deserves to be waterboarded, if for nothing other than just being annoying, it's Sean Hannity.)

~ Susan Boyle

Seriously, pipe down. I'm also quite over a few catch phrases which have worn out their welcome (if we ever welcomed them at all). Those would include:

~ "These troubled economic times."

~ Any comparison to the Great Depression

~ Homes that are "under water". (Since when wereneighborhoods turning into the lost city of Atlantis? Under water? I believe the term is "upside down". Morons.)

~ "It's the economy."

~ "From Wall Street to Main Street." (AAuuggghhh!!! I HATE that saying. And people are STILL saying it. Can you folks not think of anything else? They ARE paying you for that job, correct?

Actually, I'm SO over these catch phrases that I cringe and become nauseous when I hear a newscaster try out a new cliche that they are just hoping will catch on so that they can say it twenty seven times in each story. The one I recently heard uttered on NBC Nightly News? Econocide. Translation: Suicide because of the economy. I believe the reporter (translation: Hot chick with a low cut top and a smokin' hot rack) used it in the following manner: "Some therapists are calling it 'econocide'." No they aren't. They're not. Trust me. They didn't say that. Show me. Show me ONE therapist who calls killing yourself (because you're too big of a puss to tough out a recession) 'econocide'. I cannot imagine they could show me one, let alone one who would admit to it.

Back to the topics that need to be dropped from all news coverage immediately, the coverage of Twitter is out of control. I'm expecting it to start popping up on food labels any day now. ("Doritos! Now with Twitter!" "Frosted Flakes! They're not as GGGRRRRRREEEAT as Twitter!") The amusing part is that the majority of the articles about Twitter center on how people don't know what it is and don't know what to do with it. My question is: If that many people DON'T get it, is it really THAT popular? But what is amazing is how so many people are so narcissistic that they send Tweets about the mundane aspects of their existence with the authentic (mis)assumption that people they don't even know on the other side of the world are just thrilled that they just woke up from a nap and are going to have a Pop-Tart. When Oprah joined Twitter (and send out her first tweet in large, shout-y CAPS), that is the precise moment whenTwitter jumped the shark.

Facebook. Facebook is just a fancy Twitter. (Or maybe it's that Twitter is a plain Facebook. It's one of those.) Facebook has it's own jargon which I find just too damn cutesy to actually use. Oh, I'll use it mockingly when I'm not on Facebook (it helps to have a friend with as much disdain for some of this crap as you have. Then you can mock it together.), but I am unlikely to type on Facebook "Keep in FB touch!" Facebook is highly overrated and highly overpromoted. Facebook claims to have 200,000,000 'users'. And it well might have that many. But how many 'users' actually 'use' Facebook daily? I'm guessing it's no where near the 200,000,000 who have registered with Facebook. After all, only 650,000 voted for or against the new 'Terms of Service'. That's right around 3.25 percent of Facebookers (Facebookians? Facists?) cared enough to vote. Facebook's actual popularity is far below what everyone seems to make it out to be, so pipe down.

The Somali pirate story. It's 2009, right? Argh. And we're talking about pirates on the high seas? (What IS a high sea anyway? Is there a low sea?) Argh! How did this happen? Oh, right. The pirates are from Somali where their quality of life is comparable to that of 250 years ago when pirates were in their glory days. Argh! Actually, you didn't hear much about all of the pirating going on until the US became involve through taking a captain of a shipping vessel hostage. THEN it became a story. And it was pretty cool that the snipers were able to totally take out all three pirates holding the hostage with just three bullets. One for each. Of course then we had to hear from all of the people who thought that the US used unnecessary force and that we should have done something differently. The only comfort I have when I hear statements like that is that perhaps, if those sniper guys need some targets to practice on, they'll have plenty! So yo-ho-ho! Enough with the pirates, matey.

Does the US torture? Nope. Does the US do things to enemy combatants that are not the most pleasant? Yep. But that's not good enough for all of the softheads out there that keep wanting to make 'torture' an issue. Now, in what may be the most glaring instance of irony in the past 100 years, in order to help appease these softheads, the CIA is going to be 'more transparent'. :::blink::: :::blink::: Huh. OK. What could possibly go wrong? We might not torture, but we are certainly not going to not impose uncomfortable measures or circumstances for people that have information that we need. That's how it works. There are a lot of unpleasant things about war and the public is really better off not knowing about them in most instances. It's not because they're hiding anything, it's just because military life and the workings of the military is SO different from civilian life and it's workings that it's very difficult for people to completely wrap their head around the reasons why certain things are done. And it's the softheaded civilians who, because they don't understand the ways of the military, deem that it's torturous and that we're evil. It's not and neither are we. But just know this: The tactics and practices that are currently used in order to coerce information out of prisoners will continue to be used in the future...regardless as to what we're told. Just enjoy your safety and get on with things, will ya?

Susan Boyle. If I have to hear "I dreamed a dream from something gone something...." one more time, I'm going to go all van Gogh on myself and cut off my ears. What I'm totally and completely over is the Monday morning analysis of this woman and people's reaction to her ability to sing like a bushy eyebrowed angel. Nearly all of the conclusions from dissecting this event point toward the public being a superficial, narcissistic bully. Why else would people assume that, just because Susan Boyle wasn't an uberstunning, Victoria's Secret model, that she couldn't sing? I'll tell you why. It's because she was being showcased on 'Britain's Got Talent', that's why. When the tryouts for shows such as that one, American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, etc., are aired, what do we see 9 times out of 10? We see the whack jobs who think that they can sing. We see the disheveled, the mentally ill, the questionably functional, all inexplicably overconfident that they are going to be the next American Idol. Yet they're dressed as a chicken and holding a trumpet which then intend to play (thus rendering it incredibly difficult to sing, I would imagine). It's not that we are innately against the plain looking. It's that we've been conditioned to expect disaster during the tryout phases of these shows where the only requirement to try out is that you walk upright 75% of the time.

The Twitter and Facebook stories will be around for a while longer until either Twitter gets sold or Facebook goes public with stock. The pirates and the torture stories will die down soon enough, although the torture topic will come up when a bunch of pictures of said torture are released next month. (That will also do wonders for the moral of the country during these tough economic times!) But just when I though the Susan Boyle phenomenon was waning a bit, what happens? She goes off and gets a bloody makeover! Now I'm going to have to hear about what kind of clothes she was wearing for the next week and a half. Oh, right. Behold! Susan Boyle all made over! Yeah, that's nice and all. It's a definite improvement from before, but it isn't going to make her sing better or worse. It is going to make me get tired of the story rather quickly. Oh, look! I'm over it. Yep. Right then. Done.

Sphere: Related Content

Arrrr! Guess What Today Is?

Arrrrr, matey! That's correct. The day you've been waiting for (or are just learning about) is finally here. It has finally bestowed itself upon us! Today, September 19, as it is every September 19 (and has been since 1995) is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Arrrrr. Avast! Arrrgh again!

Now, I'm sure you're sitting there thinking, "WTF is Talk Like A Pirate Day? Arrgh?" That's pretty much the initial reaction from most people, from what I can tell. Here's the scoop: Back in 1995 a couple of regular guy guys, John Baur and Mark Summers, just started talking pirate talk whilst playing racquetball one day. (No, they're not gay lovers. And never were. Or will be.) After noticing how the pirate talk made the game go by faster while at the same time making it all the more entertaining, the boys decided that there should be an entire day where everyone just speaks like a pirate. (Guys are very into formalizing crazy ideas they come up with. It seems as if that strategy makes their ideas all the more valid. Thus, if there is a specific day for something, well, you have to do it. It's what the day is for, right? Right.)

For reasons that even they don't get, they settled on September 19 because that is the day of Mark's ex-wife's birthday and he felt that was a day he could recall easily. Go figure. And so Talk Like A Pirate Day was kind of born. I say "kind of" because for about 6 years after that, the guys pretty much celebrated it on their own. Just two guys, talking crazy pirate talk together, with or without a racquetball. It wasn't until 2002 when they managed to get hold of Dave Barry's email address and write to him about their day. Their idea was that he would be their national spokesman for TLAPD. And Dave Barry, being Dave Barry and all, thought it was a fabulous idea (even though he used the term "very excellent"). Next thing they know, Dave Barry writes a column about TLAPD which appears in the Miami Herald and an obscure, but fun as hell, quasi-holiday was born.

TLAPD is celebrated in several, yes several different countries and continents including Antarctica (don't ask. I didn't. Frozen pirates. Brrr!). And just in case you're not up on all of your pirate-ese, the Pirate Guys (as they are now known), John (also known as Ol' Chumbucket") and Mark (also known as "Cap'n Slappy"), have a website http://www.talklikeapirate.com/ where they give you tips, answer questions, have pirate vocabulary (in English AND in German!) and have way, way, way more information on this thing that I ever thought there could be. (It's speakin' like a freakin' pirate, for cryin' out loud and...and...shiver me timbers or something like that! How much could there be? A lot, matey. A freaking lot.)

Here's what I've learned:

• Lots of pirate words start with the letter "A". Avast! Ahoy! Aye! Aye aye! And my personal favorite, Arrrr!! No word on why that is, matey.
  
  
• These guys had way too much time on their hands. I have never seen anything so inclusive as their website in my life. Everything you could have ever wanted to know about speaking like a pirate is there. Everything you never wanted to know about speaking like a pirate is there. It's incredible. These guys are some thorough, thorough pirates. Aarrrr!
  
  
• There are several hundred pictures of several hundred different individuals, in various forms of dress and costume, who are celebrating TLAPD in the years past. And while it is TALK Like A Pirate Day, many of the folk seem to think that also means that it is DRESS Like A Pirate Day. Thankfully, you do not have to dress like a pirate to participate in these festivities. But you might find yourself wanting to.


• People really, really, really get into the whole pirate-speak thing on this day. I mean they really get into it. So much in fact that it makes me glad this thing is only once a year. Otherwise I'd fear that there would be a rush of people chopping off one leg at the knee and hopping around on their good leg and a Louisville Slugger with a parrot on their shoulder. That would be bad. And frightening.


• Using the Pirate Name Generator to get your very own pirate name is quite fun. Somehow, I ended up being Mad Ned the Executioner. And you don't have to stop at just names for pirates. You can use the Pirate Ship Name Generator and get a name for your pirate ship. I ended up with the Horrid Buccaneer.


• And speaking of buccaneers (or just using any excuse I can to throw in this joke from the Pirate Guys), "A little boy is trick or treatin' on Halloween by himself. He is dressed as a pirate. At one house, a friendly man asks him, "Where are your buccaneers?" The little boy responds, "On either side o' me 'buccan' head!"

The guys even realized that pirates must need a little bit of lovin' (or booty, as a pirate might say. Arrr!) and on their website they provide the Top Ten Pirate Pick Up Lines. You know, just in case the scurvy hasn't set in yet from those months at sea, surrounded by your mates and wenches. Those wenches can look mighty good when you're delirious and your internal organs are starting to shrivel up due to a lack of fresh water. So if you find yourself in that very situation and are at a loss for words, you can always fall back on their list:

• 10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
  
• 9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
  
• 8. Come on up and see me urchins.
  
• 7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
  
• 6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
  
• 5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?
  
• 4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
  
• 3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
  
• 2. Well blow me down?
  
• And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …
  
• 1. Prepare to be boarded.

And just because they're pirates (sort of), that doesn't mean that they discriminate. Oh, no. No, no! Arrr! Far from it! Aye! They have the Top Ten Pick Up Lines for the Lady Pirates as well.

• 10. What are YOU doing here?
  
• 9. Is that a belayin' pin in yer britches, or are ye ... (this one is never completed)
  
• 8. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!
  
• 7. So, tell me, why do they call ye, "Cap'n Feathersword?"
  
• 6. That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!
  
• 5. Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me "lice ratio!"
  
• 4. I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs!
  
• 3. C'mon, lad, shiver me timbers!
  
• 2. RAMMING SPEED!
  
• ...and the number one Female Pirate Pick-up Line:
  
• 1. You. Pants Off. Now!

Yeah, I'll definitely be giving some of these a shot. It can't hurt. And even if it did, well, that might be good in this case. Arrr!

Now, look, I'll be the first to admit, I thought this was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard of when I first got wind of it. Arrr! But I have to tell you....it grows on you. Quickly. And it is fun as hell! Arrr! Give it a shot. You'll be amazed at how quickly it catches on with co-workers after they're assured that it's a real thing and that at that very moment, people all over the world are speaking pirate and they should too! And they will. (Just make it clear that it's OK, and they'll do it. Trust me. Those co-workers of yours? Gullible as veal calves.) You'll thoroughly enjoy yourself, I promise. Arrr!

Now avast, ye land lubber! (Or something like that.) Go smartly back to thy cubicle with the rest of the bilge rats and sneak yourself a swill of grog. And then hurry up and get those pants off! Talk Like A Pirate Day only lasts for twenty four hours! And I can't think of a better way to spend it than swilling a little grog me self with another pantless pirate. Arrr!

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Yo Ho Ho and a Sword and Some Pot

So, would it surprise you if a guy in New York was arrested for carrying a rusty pirate sword into Macy's (of all places)? Not so much, right? Would it surprise you if it was a grown man on his way to a kickball game that he was playing in? Little bit, eh? Well, how about if the grown man on his way to a kickball game that he was playing in was carrying the rusty sword because his team dresses up like pirates for their games? Yep, that should do it.

And that's what got Lawrence Jackson (otherwise known as Matey Lance) arrested. That's Lance over there on the right. (He's clearly the secret love child of Spike Lee.) See, the NYPD doesn't see the pirate-y kickballer sword as being a sort of recreational sport prop. No, they tend to see it as a "weapon". Which is why they arrested him. (And they kind of have a point. I think "sword", I think "weapon". Actually, I think "sword", I think "Arrgh! Weapon!")

So what was a sporty, sword-wielding pirate doing at Macy's? He was shopping for glasses with his pregnant girlfriend, Teresa, on their way to his kickball game against " La Resistance" in Brooklyn's McCarren Park. They had taken the subway to Macy's and since no one on the New York subway complained about a fellow rider with a weapon (shocking, I know), he must have felt that the crowd at Macy's would have the same set of standards. Oh, but alas, they did not. (Teresa did say that she told him to "check the sword with security, but he went in with it anyway".) It was reported that some shoppers, those not used to weapon carrying buccaneers in the Vision Department, were frightened. That would explain how the cops became involved (I'm assuming).

His girlfriend told the New York Post, "It's metal, but it's a fake sword. It's not like he was going to hurt anyone." You know, while I know what she means, if it looks like a sword and it feels like a sword, it's kind of a sword. And Teresa and Lance told the cops this when they showed up. But the cops said, "He thought it was a toy. But it's not a toy. It's sharp." (Hey now! Think back to your childhood, officer! Some of the best toys that we had were sharp! Sharp, dangerous, could poke out an eye, that's the stuff that beautiful recreational memories from early childhood are made of.)

And he might have been an oblivious sword carrying corsair, but he was also not a very bright one because the guy had an outstanding warrant for possession of marijuana. Marijuana that was just like the kind that he had on him at the time of the Great Macy's Sword Fiasco 2008. Brilliant.

But those kickballing pirates stick together like birds of a pirate's parrot's feathers. The captain of Lance's kickball team wrote a letter to the Post in support of Lance, kickball and pirates. It reads:

"We at Los Piratas Mechanicos (The Mechanical Pirates) ARRR like a family. We bring props, dress up like pirates, wear eyepatches and say ARRR all the time. We fly flags and throw water balloons. This is what we do. We ARRR the Pirates of Kickball. Lance has been an crucial part of this team for many years now. He was one of the first people to make me feel a part of the team I now lead. It is very unfortunate that Lance decided to take the sword and walk around with it in Macy's. The sword was actually supposed to be given to me as the official transference of captianship. So in a way I feel like it's partly my fault. We hope for his speedy release."

Well said, Captain. Well said. (Especially the part about "We ARRR the Pirates of Kickball". That was hilarious, sir. Hil-arious.)


Just in case you were wondering about the whole "adults playing kickball" thing, let me provide a few details. There are an astounding thirty three teams in the kickball league with the Pirates. Yes, thirty three. One more than the number of football teams in the NFL. And yes, the other 32 kickball teams sport names just as original as Los Pirates Mechanicos. For example, there are the MakeOuts, The John Cougar Mellencamps and The Government Kickbacks. Also, in addition to the pirate gear and pirate speak, Los Piratas Mechanicos sometimes sport drawn on mustaches for the full swashbuckling effect. ARRR!

Now, if you haven't found a soft spot for these grown men playing a sport usually found on elementary school playgrounds at recess, maybe this will do it: Here's what co-captain Hector Castillo had to say about the incident, "It was just a dumb joke. I know it sounds like a dumb idea, but we're all family here. We were planning a baby shower for his kid. We were going to deck it out with pirate flags." Aw. I mean, Ar.

Good luck with this, Lance. You ARRR probably going to need it.

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