Discomfort On St. Patrick's Day

From the files of "You have got to be effing kidding me", Subsection "We're doomed" we have this little gem from FOX News about an elementary school principal in Massachusetts who decided to rename St. Patrick's Day by calling it "O'Green Day". No, I'm not kidding.

It would seem that over at the Soule Road School located in Wilbraham, MA, the principal, a one Lisa Curtin, has completely lost her mind. I say that because she is the one responsible for all of the name changing. When asked about this asinine action, she said that she "...decided to change the name to ease discomfort that some students might have in celebrating St. Patrick's Day". Wait a minute? Discomfort? For elementary school students? I understand discomfort in adults. (Have you ever drank your way through multiple twelve packs and washed them down with various fifths of several different kinds of liquor whilst being unable to make your way to an restroom due to being crammed like a sardine against other drunken revelers at your neighborhood watering hole/dive bar? Now that's discomfort.)

What sort of "discomfort" could their possibly be from "celebrating" St. Patrick's Day when you're in elementary school? Or in any other school for that matter? Then again, this same woman changed the name of Valentine's Day to "Caring and Kindness Day," according to parents with children in the school." Caring and Kindness Day?! What the hell is that?! That's not the name of it! She doesn't just get to go around changing the name of a day for whatever reason? Is nothing sacred? What if she was worried about the kids who might feel "discomfort" on particular days of the week? Is she going to change those too? Is Monday going to end up being "Happy Week Start Cotton Candy Butterfly, Unicorn and Puppy Day"? I don't get this at all.

Fortunately, I'm not the only one. Parents think that it's ridiculous as well. Just to quote a few "I think it's ridiculous" and "It's really stupid." And yet it still happens. So freaking ridiculous. Tell me, did this all-enlightened principal think that it might be offensive to those who are Irish to change the name of the holiday? Of course not. One, because I doubt that would ever happen. And two, because people like this principal don't think like that. They just want everything to be neutral and have zero meaning behind it. I really wish that people had taken some time off from protesting against people that don't want women to have birth control and protested this for a little while. At least this would have been entertaining.

And that gets me to the real point of this whole thing. If you're soooooooo upset by the freaking name of something, why bother celebrating it at all? Isn't that offensive? Or wrong? (I'm really kind of grasping at straws here because I don't understand it at all. I could be missing an adjective.) Are people really that worried that someone might be offended by the name of a holiday? It's not even a very good holiday! Once you're out of the beer drinking stage and before you're in it, do you know what St. Patrick's Day looks like? Whatever day it's on! What is there to feel "discomfort" about on St. Patrick's Day?! How did that woman get to be principal?! So many questions. So few answers. Just doomed.

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Merry Christmas 2009!

I'm sure I could come up with something ludicrous to put here today. But I think I'll pass. It's Christmas. It just wouldn't seem....right. You know, kinda like one of those inflatable, lit up, manger scenes in someone's front yard? You know that the people mean well, but it just doesn't translate into the "feeling of Christmas" all that great.


I don't know if this is going to translate into the "feeling of Christmas" all that great either. So to make sure that nothing gets lost in translation, I'm keepin' it short. (But just in case it does get lost in translation, I really am shootin' for the whole "feeling of Christmas" thing here. Just so you know.)

I'm grateful for this day because it's kinda where it all started or where it all starts. Without the historical events which took place on this day, I wouldn't have a chance to be forgiven for all of the times and all of the things that I screw up. And there's a lot of 'em. Trust me. And it's not just me that has that opportunity. It's everyone. Including all of the morons that I mock incessantly. They too can (surprisingly) be forgiven for all of their evil-doings and their oh-so moronic ways.

The whole Christmas thing just makes me happy. And I try to share that happiness with others when given the opportunity. (And in forms other than this blog. Hey. Why are you laughing?) And this year I had an excellent opportunity to spread my own little version of happiness and I totally took fully advantage of said opportunity (seemingly to the delight of others, which was the point). I also try to enjoy those around me and those in my life and give them just one day where their obvious shortcomings don't annoy me. That's my way of spreadin' the joy. That alone makes others grateful as well. Give it a try is all I'm sayin'.

And you know, I really do have more heartfelt feelings about people in my life than I either care to admit or am capable of expressing without either scaring the other person or becoming inadvertently engaged to four different individuals when I'm done. And at the risk of doing either or both of those things, I'd like to let those of you that I know personally know that I think you're all just great. Some a little greater than others, which means there are a few of you who really need to start pulling your weight a bit more, but I still love ya. Usually. And for those of you whom I don't know personally but who read this blog (and don't leave jackass comments), well, I think you guys are just swell also and I appreciate all of the reading. I know it's not always easy and that's why I really appreciate the effort.

So Merry Christmas. Now go spread some cheer. Or some love. Or both. You've got the whole rest of the year for complaing and mocking all of the other crap. Today? Love, cheer, and thanks. Spread a little of that around, will ya? It's Christmas, for cryin' out loud!

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Me Timbers Are Shiverin'

Arrrrr, matey! That's correct. The day you've been waiting for (or are just learning about) is finally here. It has finally bestowed itself upon us! Today, September 19, as it is every September 19 (and has been since 1995) is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Arrrrr. Avast! Arrrgh again!

Now, I'm sure you're sitting there thinking, "WTF is Talk Like A Pirate Day? Arrgh?" That's pretty much the initial reaction from most people, from what I can tell. Here's the scoop: Back in 1995 a couple of regular guy guys, John Baur and Mark Summers, just started talking pirate talk whilst playing racquetball one day. (No, they're not gay lovers. And never were. Or will be.) After noticing how the pirate talk made the game go by faster while at the same time making it all the more entertaining, the boys decided that there should be an entire day where everyone just speaks like a pirate. (Guys are very into formalizing crazy ideas they come up with. It seems as if that strategy makes their ideas all the more valid. Thus, if there is a specific day for something, well, you have to do it. It's what the day is for, right? Right.)

For reasons that even they don't get, they settled on September 19 because that is the day of Mark's ex-wife's birthday and he felt that was a day he could recall easily. Go figure. And so Talk Like A Pirate Day was kind of born. I say "kind of" because for about 6 years after that, the guys pretty much celebrated it on their own. Just two guys, talking crazy pirate talk together, with or without a racquetball. It wasn't until 2002 when they managed to get hold of Dave Barry's email address and write to him about their day. Their idea was that he would be their national spokesman for TLAPD. And Dave Barry, being Dave Barry and all, thought it was a fabulous idea (even though he used the term "very excellent"). Next thing they know, Dave Barry writes a column about TLAPD which appears in the Miami Herald and an obscure, but fun as hell, quasi-holiday was born.

TLAPD is celebrated in several, yes several different countries and continents including Antarctica (don't ask. I didn't. Frozen pirates. Brrr!). And just in case you're not up on all of your pirate-ese, the Pirate Guys (as they are now known), John (also known as Ol' Chumbucket") and Mark (also known as "Cap'n Slappy"), have a website http://www.talklikeapirate.com/ where they give you tips, answer questions, have pirate vocabulary (in English AND in German!) and have way, way, way more information on this thing that I ever thought there could be. (It's speakin' like a freakin' pirate, for cryin' out loud and...and...shiver me timbers or something like that! How much could there be? A lot, matey. A freaking lot.)

Here's what I've learned:

• Lots of pirate words start with the letter "A". Avast! Ahoy! Aye! Aye aye! And my personal favorite, Arrrr!! No word on why that is, matey.
  
  
• These guys had way too much time on their hands. I have never seen anything so inclusive as their website in my life. Everything you could have ever wanted to know about speaking like a pirate is there. Everything you never wanted to know about speaking like a pirate is there. It's incredible. These guys are some thorough, thorough pirates. Aarrrr!
  
  
• There are several hundred pictures of several hundred different individuals, in various forms of dress and costume, who are celebrating TLAPD in the years past. And while it is TALK Like A Pirate Day, many of the folk seem to think that also means that it is DRESS Like A Pirate Day. Thankfully, you do not have to dress like a pirate to participate in these festivities. But you might find yourself wanting to.


• People really, really, really get into the whole pirate-speak thing on this day. I mean they really get into it. So much in fact that it makes me glad this thing is only once a year. Otherwise I'd fear that there would be a rush of people chopping off one leg at the knee and hopping around on their good leg and a Louisville Slugger with a parrot on their shoulder. That would be bad. And frightening.


• Using the Pirate Name Generator to get your very own pirate name is quite fun. Somehow, I ended up being Mad Ned the Executioner. And you don't have to stop at just names for pirates. You can use the Pirate Ship Name Generator and get a name for your pirate ship. I ended up with the Horrid Buccaneer.


• And speaking of buccaneers (or just using any excuse I can to throw in this joke from the Pirate Guys), "A little boy is trick or treatin' on Halloween by himself. He is dressed as a pirate. At one house, a friendly man asks him, "Where are your buccaneers?" The little boy responds, "On either side o' me 'buccan' head!"

The guys even realized that pirates must need a little bit of lovin' (or booty, as a pirate might say. Arrr!) and on their website they provide the Top Ten Pirate Pick Up Lines. You know, just in case the scurvy hasn't set in yet from those months at sea, surrounded by your mates and wenches. Those wenches can look mighty good when you're delirious and your internal organs are starting to shrivel up due to a lack of fresh water. So if you find yourself in that very situation and are at a loss for words, you can always fall back on their list:

• 10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
  
• 9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
  
• 8. Come on up and see me urchins.
  
• 7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
  
• 6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
  
• 5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?
  
• 4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
  
• 3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
  
• 2. Well blow me down?
  
• And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …
  
• 1. Prepare to be boarded.

And just because they're pirates (sort of), that doesn't mean that they discriminate. Oh, no. No, no! Arrr! Far from it! Aye! They have the Top Ten Pick Up Lines for the Lady Pirates as well.

• 10. What are YOU doing here?
  
• 9. Is that a belayin' pin in yer britches, or are ye ... (this one is never completed)
  
• 8. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!
  
• 7. So, tell me, why do they call ye, "Cap'n Feathersword?"
  
• 6. That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!
  
• 5. Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me "lice ratio!"
  
• 4. I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs!
  
• 3. C'mon, lad, shiver me timbers!
  
• 2. RAMMING SPEED!
  
• ...and the number one Female Pirate Pick-up Line:
  
• 1. You. Pants Off. Now!

Yeah, I'll definitely be giving some of these a shot. It can't hurt. And even if it did, well, that might be good in this case. Arrr!

Now, look, I'll be the first to admit, I thought this was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard of when I first got wind of it. Arrr! But I have to tell you....it grows on you. Quickly. And it is fun as hell! Arrr! Give it a shot. You'll be amazed at how quickly it catches on with co-workers after they're assured that it's a real thing and that at that very moment, people all over the world are speaking pirate and they should too! And they will. (Just make it clear that it's OK, and they'll do it. Trust me. Those co-workers of yours? Gullible as veal calves.) You'll thoroughly enjoy yourself, I promise. Arrr!

Now avast, ye land lubber! (Or something like that.) Go smartly back to thy cubicle with the rest of the bilge rats and sneak yourself a swill of grog. And then hurry up and get those pants off! Talk Like A Pirate Day only lasts for twenty four hours! And I can't think of a better way to spend it than swilling a little grog me self with another pantless pirate. Arrr!

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It's A Festivus For The Rest Of Us!

Happy Festivus, everybody (all eight of you)!

That's right! It's December 23, the official day of the unofficial holiday of Festivus! For those of you unclear on the concept of Festivus, allow me.

It was December 18, 1997. A Thursday, as I recall. It was late in the evening, perhaps around 9pm, when the 'Seinfeld' episode "The Strike" first aired. It was during that episode that the Frank Costanza character explained to Kramer how it came to be that he, Frank himself, had invented Festivus. According to Frank, "Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way....But out of that a new holiday was born: a Festivus for the rest of us!" And God bless 'im! God bless all the "Seinfeld" cast!!

Just like Christmas and other traditional holidays (or, at least, holidays most people have heard of) there are decorations and activities galore! But unlike Christmas, there is no tree. That's right! No tree! (Happy now, environmentalists? Happy now, all of you 'Save the Rainforest' freakazoids? Happy?!!) Instead there is a pole. According to Frank, the reason for the pole is that "It requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting....It's made from aluminum. Very high strength-to-weight ratio." (I, too, find tinsel, and other shiny objects, quite distracting. So this is a welcome element to the tradition because sometimes I...hey! What's blinking over there....?)During the year when it is not Festivus season, the pole is stored away (similar to what you do with your artificial Christmas tree if you have chosen to destroy the environment that way). Frank stores his in the crawlspace of the attic. (I thought I'd throw that in there in case you were for at a loss as to what you could do with your Festivus pole throughout the year.)

There doesn't seem to be a "traditional" Festivus food or meal. You can pretty much have whatever you want. After all, it's Festivus! But immediately after the big Festivus meal has been served (you kind of just assume that whatever it is, it's going to be big. I don't know why, but you just do.) that is when the traditional activities of the holiday take place. And you don't want to miss these. Oh, no! First up, the Airing of Grievances.

The Airing of Grievances, again according to Frank Costanza, "...consists of lashing out at others and the world about how one has been disappointed in the past year." (Interesting. That was just known as "dinnertime" in my house growing up.) It sounds like a fab-ulous idea! Better yet, there's no need to apologize or hug and make up after you've aired all said grievances! Wonderful! Festivus, a holiday of liberating proportions! (In "The Strike" Frank gets the Airing of Grievances rolling by starting with "The tradition of Festivus begins with the Airing of Grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now, you're gonna hear about it. You, Kruger. My son tells me your company STINKS!" Again, most excellent!)

Once grievances are aired and the Festivus (or Feastivus) is completed, then it is time for the Feats of Strength! The Feats of Strengths follow these guidelines: "Traditionally, the head of the household selects one person at the Festivus celebration and challenges that person to a wrestling match. The person may decline if they have something else to do, such as pull a double shift at work. Tradition states that Festivus is not over until the head of the household is pinned in a wrestling match." It sort of has that WWF feel to it, only without all of the fakery and the steroids (as far as we know). As we all know what a stressful time the holiday season can be, I suggest having an ample supply of protective headgear available for the very young and the elderly. Everyone else just has to tough it out. It's unclear in the Festivus yore if the head of the household pins his wrestling opponent of choice if he selects another victim or if that poor sap must continue until, if ever, he pins down the household head.

Judging from the way that Festivus was invented, it's pretty safe to say that there is no gift giving during the Festivus holiday. And that's just fine because in reality? Most people are not very good gift givers. Just take George Costanza, Frank's son. The son that he was buying the doll for when all hell broke loose. During the same episode in which Festivus was introduced to the rest of the world (or, at least, the world with US television programming) George gave "charitable donations" in the recipient's name as Christmas gifts that year. It's the one gift that people don't like, don't want, and will never say another word about. Why? Because it's a charity! You can't bad mouth a charity! (But you can bad mouth George because his "charity" was fictional. He made it up. Thus, all of his Christmas gifts said "A donation has been made in your name to 'The Human Fund: Money For People.' ")

What a glorious holiday! Aluminum poles, aired grievances, feats of pinning strength! It all sounds very cathartic. What could possibly go wrong?! Both nothing and everything, that is correct. Just let the thing run it's course and you'll be fine either way. So again, Happy Festivus everyone! Where's my pole?

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Arrrr! Guess What Today Is?

Arrrrr, matey! That's correct. The day you've been waiting for (or are just learning about) is finally here. It has finally bestowed itself upon us! Today, September 19, as it is every September 19 (and has been since 1995) is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Arrrrr. Avast! Arrrgh again!

Now, I'm sure you're sitting there thinking, "WTF is Talk Like A Pirate Day? Arrgh?" That's pretty much the initial reaction from most people, from what I can tell. Here's the scoop: Back in 1995 a couple of regular guy guys, John Baur and Mark Summers, just started talking pirate talk whilst playing racquetball one day. (No, they're not gay lovers. And never were. Or will be.) After noticing how the pirate talk made the game go by faster while at the same time making it all the more entertaining, the boys decided that there should be an entire day where everyone just speaks like a pirate. (Guys are very into formalizing crazy ideas they come up with. It seems as if that strategy makes their ideas all the more valid. Thus, if there is a specific day for something, well, you have to do it. It's what the day is for, right? Right.)

For reasons that even they don't get, they settled on September 19 because that is the day of Mark's ex-wife's birthday and he felt that was a day he could recall easily. Go figure. And so Talk Like A Pirate Day was kind of born. I say "kind of" because for about 6 years after that, the guys pretty much celebrated it on their own. Just two guys, talking crazy pirate talk together, with or without a racquetball. It wasn't until 2002 when they managed to get hold of Dave Barry's email address and write to him about their day. Their idea was that he would be their national spokesman for TLAPD. And Dave Barry, being Dave Barry and all, thought it was a fabulous idea (even though he used the term "very excellent"). Next thing they know, Dave Barry writes a column about TLAPD which appears in the Miami Herald and an obscure, but fun as hell, quasi-holiday was born.

TLAPD is celebrated in several, yes several different countries and continents including Antarctica (don't ask. I didn't. Frozen pirates. Brrr!). And just in case you're not up on all of your pirate-ese, the Pirate Guys (as they are now known), John (also known as Ol' Chumbucket") and Mark (also known as "Cap'n Slappy"), have a website http://www.talklikeapirate.com/ where they give you tips, answer questions, have pirate vocabulary (in English AND in German!) and have way, way, way more information on this thing that I ever thought there could be. (It's speakin' like a freakin' pirate, for cryin' out loud and...and...shiver me timbers or something like that! How much could there be? A lot, matey. A freaking lot.)

Here's what I've learned:

• Lots of pirate words start with the letter "A". Avast! Ahoy! Aye! Aye aye! And my personal favorite, Arrrr!! No word on why that is, matey.
  
  
• These guys had way too much time on their hands. I have never seen anything so inclusive as their website in my life. Everything you could have ever wanted to know about speaking like a pirate is there. Everything you never wanted to know about speaking like a pirate is there. It's incredible. These guys are some thorough, thorough pirates. Aarrrr!
  
  
• There are several hundred pictures of several hundred different individuals, in various forms of dress and costume, who are celebrating TLAPD in the years past. And while it is TALK Like A Pirate Day, many of the folk seem to think that also means that it is DRESS Like A Pirate Day. Thankfully, you do not have to dress like a pirate to participate in these festivities. But you might find yourself wanting to.


• People really, really, really get into the whole pirate-speak thing on this day. I mean they really get into it. So much in fact that it makes me glad this thing is only once a year. Otherwise I'd fear that there would be a rush of people chopping off one leg at the knee and hopping around on their good leg and a Louisville Slugger with a parrot on their shoulder. That would be bad. And frightening.


• Using the Pirate Name Generator to get your very own pirate name is quite fun. Somehow, I ended up being Mad Ned the Executioner. And you don't have to stop at just names for pirates. You can use the Pirate Ship Name Generator and get a name for your pirate ship. I ended up with the Horrid Buccaneer.


• And speaking of buccaneers (or just using any excuse I can to throw in this joke from the Pirate Guys), "A little boy is trick or treatin' on Halloween by himself. He is dressed as a pirate. At one house, a friendly man asks him, "Where are your buccaneers?" The little boy responds, "On either side o' me 'buccan' head!"

The guys even realized that pirates must need a little bit of lovin' (or booty, as a pirate might say. Arrr!) and on their website they provide the Top Ten Pirate Pick Up Lines. You know, just in case the scurvy hasn't set in yet from those months at sea, surrounded by your mates and wenches. Those wenches can look mighty good when you're delirious and your internal organs are starting to shrivel up due to a lack of fresh water. So if you find yourself in that very situation and are at a loss for words, you can always fall back on their list:

• 10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
  
• 9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
  
• 8. Come on up and see me urchins.
  
• 7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
  
• 6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
  
• 5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?
  
• 4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
  
• 3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
  
• 2. Well blow me down?
  
• And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …
  
• 1. Prepare to be boarded.

And just because they're pirates (sort of), that doesn't mean that they discriminate. Oh, no. No, no! Arrr! Far from it! Aye! They have the Top Ten Pick Up Lines for the Lady Pirates as well.

• 10. What are YOU doing here?
  
• 9. Is that a belayin' pin in yer britches, or are ye ... (this one is never completed)
  
• 8. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!
  
• 7. So, tell me, why do they call ye, "Cap'n Feathersword?"
  
• 6. That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!
  
• 5. Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me "lice ratio!"
  
• 4. I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs!
  
• 3. C'mon, lad, shiver me timbers!
  
• 2. RAMMING SPEED!
  
• ...and the number one Female Pirate Pick-up Line:
  
• 1. You. Pants Off. Now!

Yeah, I'll definitely be giving some of these a shot. It can't hurt. And even if it did, well, that might be good in this case. Arrr!

Now, look, I'll be the first to admit, I thought this was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard of when I first got wind of it. Arrr! But I have to tell you....it grows on you. Quickly. And it is fun as hell! Arrr! Give it a shot. You'll be amazed at how quickly it catches on with co-workers after they're assured that it's a real thing and that at that very moment, people all over the world are speaking pirate and they should too! And they will. (Just make it clear that it's OK, and they'll do it. Trust me. Those co-workers of yours? Gullible as veal calves.) You'll thoroughly enjoy yourself, I promise. Arrr!

Now avast, ye land lubber! (Or something like that.) Go smartly back to thy cubicle with the rest of the bilge rats and sneak yourself a swill of grog. And then hurry up and get those pants off! Talk Like A Pirate Day only lasts for twenty four hours! And I can't think of a better way to spend it than swilling a little grog me self with another pantless pirate. Arrr!

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Father's Day Boycott

Is it over yet? Father's Day. Is it over? Because if I have to see one more ad on TV or read one more ad in the paper I'm going to twist off. Best Buy, Circuit City, Sears, Wal-Mart, Big-5, Home Depot, and the list goes on. And on. And on.

You know how for a while it was really politically incorrect to say "Merry Christmas"? Because if you said "Christmas" to someone who didn't celebrate that particular holiday (which was meant to celebrate the birth of Christ), then that would be "offensive" to that person. So for some reason, everyone decided that "Happy Holidays" would be a more appropriate greeting of cheer during the month of December than "Merry Christmas". (And you do know that anyone who claimed that they were "offended" was either a softhead and in need of one of my "Helmets For The Softheaded" or they wanted to complain simply because they could. But usually it was both. Softheaded, whiny, complaining, wannabe offended, morons.)

While I would never do this, I'm wondering what would happen if someone wanted to start a movement of people who were "offended" by a holiday called "Father's Day". Maybe someone who has two mothers. Or someone who was conceived through artificial insemination and would prefer that the day be called "Sperm Donor Day". Or someone whose father was a jackass, so why should there be a day that honors him? Or someone whose father is dead (and just so happened to die on the same freaking day that Father's Day falls on this year)? Or someone whose father has had a sex change operation? Or it's one of those "pregnant man" situations? There are lots of scenarios that people could come up with as to why someone could claim to be "offended" by the term/day/title/etc. Thank God no one has, though.

Now, a few years ago, I'd think that something this ridiculous might actually be able to gain a little momentum here and there, just like the "Merry Christmas" fiasco of yore did. But I think that people caught on to the fact that saying "Happy Holidays" only served to remind everyone that they weren't really wishing holiday cheer, they were making a concession for the sake of being politically correct. And it ended up feeling like the guy who had bitched about "Merry Christmas" was just giving you the finger every time you heard "Happy Holidays." Thus, I think that the anti-Father's Day movement wouldn't get very far. But a few years ago? Sure. It would have been renamed "Appropriate and Non-Abusive Caretaker and DNA Giver Day" a long time ago.

But here's my thing: All of this stuff that they're advertising for "Dad" isn't what he wants or what he'll remember. He doesn't need or want a Flowbee or a Turnip Twaddler or a George Foreman Grill. All he needs and wants is your time. (And probably a meal from the Kentucky Colonel. Dad will never have a problem with a little KFC.) He won't remember the Flowbee or the Turnip Twaddler or the George Foreman grill, but he will remember the time you spent with him because he's your Dad. And you won't remember the Flowbee or the Turnip Twaddler or the George Foreman grill either, but you'll remember the time you spent with him because he's your Dad, too. And it won't matter if it's on a Father's Day or if it's on a Tuesday, because you don't need Father's Day to sit down with the guy and spend a little time together munching on some chicken. (I'm telling you. You can't go wrong with Kentucky Fried Chicken. Ever.)

So screw Best Buy and Circuit City and Home Depot (really screw Home Depot, I can't stand that place) and all of 'em except the Colonel. Go get some chicken instead and spend some time with your Dad.

(The following is mostly for symbolic purposes. The only other purpose it could possibly serve is simply to appease myself and to maybe make today easier. It hasn't yet, but maybe it will.)

Hey, Dad.

Happy Father's Day. What are the chances, eh? Same day as...you know. I'm glad I don't have to get used to it being on Father's Day as much as I have to get used to it overall. That would suck.

This picture is from the beach in Cambria. I took it, you know, that day I had to go down there. It's a nice place to end up. I'm going to assume you're happy with it.

I know you know things are good here, so I won't bore you with little updates about stuff you're already aware of. And I know you're OK, so I won't go there either.

I found another marble. Weird, huh? Well, maybe not for you. You might know where they all came from by now, but I still don't get it. This one was in the front. Haven't found one in a while, but every time I do, I think about you.

Hey, thanks for being my Dad. You didn't have to. You kind of signed up for the job because you wanted to. And then you ended up with me. And I'm glad you did. You were an awesome Dad. Thanks a lot.

I sure do miss you. I wish you could come back.

I love you, Dad.

~ Mare

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