Happy Birthday, Dad

If my Dad were still around, today would have been his birthday. Come to think of it, around or not, it's still his birthday. Regardless, even though I am fully aware that he (likely) does not have a computer or the Internet, I'm still doing it this way.

Happy birthday, Dad.

We'll be having your usual birthday dinner tonight. No sense in missing out on that. I sure do wish you could be here for it. As far as everything else goes, since I talk to you all the time, I won't go into a ton of detail because you already know everything.

I sure do miss you and I really wish you could come back.

Happy birthday, Dad. I love you.

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Happy Birthday, Dad

If my Dad were still around, today would have been his birthday. Come to think of it, around or not, it's still his birthday. Regardless, even though I am fully aware that he (likely) does not have a computer or the Internet, I'm still doing it this way.

Happy birthday, Dad.

We'll be having your usual birthday dinner tonight. No sense in missing out on that. I sure do wish you could be here for it. As far as everything else goes, since I talk to you all the time, I won't go into a ton of detail because you already know everything.

I sure do miss you and I really wish you could come back.

Happy birthday, Dad. I love you.

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Say Cheese!

KFC has apparently started an ridiculous trend in restaurant fare, but they didn't do it intentionally. In fact, while I notice that KFC is being blamed for this trend, the alleged trend followers really aren't quite doing it right. That's mainly because KFC's idea was ingenious and the other guys...well, they're just grasping at straws, basically.

See, KFC introduced the Double Down sandwich a little while ago. It's a masterpiece of culinary delights. The genius of the sandwich is that there is no pesky bread to get in the way. That's right. No bread. Instead of bread, the Double Down utilizes two pieces of boneless chicken in place of the bun. In place of the "meat" of the sandwich, there are two pieces of bacon, a slice of melted Monterey Jack cheese, a slice of melted pepper jack cheese and a glob of something called Colonel's Sauce (which appears to be some sort of mayonnaise based goo that is slathered generously between the chicken pieces). What's not to love? Nothing, that's what. You love it all.

Burger joint Friendly's tried their own version of the Double Down by coming out with the Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt. I don't know why BurgerMelt is one word. I don't know why it's called a 'melt' at all, really. What they have is their Friendly's Big Beef burger, but instead of a bun, they use grilled cheese sandwiches. Behold!

Good Lord. I can't tell if that looks delicious or disgusting. I'm leaning more toward disgusting. I'm definitely on the side of unnecessary. The thing is, it is nothing like the Double Down. The point of the Double Down was NO BUN. Clearly, the Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt has a bun. It's a bun with cheese in the middle of it, but it's a bun. NOT the same.

Carl's Jr. is even working on something called the Footlong Cheeseburger. It is just what it sounds like it is. It's a cheeseburger that's a foot long. It look positive disgusting, not to mention incredibly ridiculous. Behold!

Is there some sort of a reason why they just wouldn't make a really wide round burger? You know, the way that burgers are supposed to look? I don't get it, but good luck with that Carl's Jr. Good luck with that.

Now Denny's has decided to get in on the act. According to Nation's Restaurant News the Fried Cheese Melt is "...made with four fried mozzarella sticks and melted American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread. It is served with French fries and a side of marinara sauce." Wait. It's what? Between what? And you're supposed to eat it? For reals? For reals. Behold!

Wow. OK, then. I would have liked it if they had kicked it up a notch and made the bread two grilled cheese sandwiches. That would really helped the heart disease to kick in super fast. And don't get me wrong. I enjoy cheese as much as the next person. (Seriously, what's not to love. It's cheese, for cryin' out loud.) But this just isn't going to work.

You know as well as I do that the thought of deep fried mozzarella sticks is a fabulous idea. But if you don't bite into one of those things within about 5 seconds of having them served to you, it's all over. Aside from the fact that the cheese solidifies way too fast, you can't eat it when it's at the tongue scalding temperature that they are intended to be enjoyed at. And here enters the conundrum. If you don't eat them right away because you don't want to burn off all of your taste buds (not to mention the majority of your tongue flesh), then the breading starts to get soggy. Have you ever tried to reheat a deep fried mozzarella stick? It's disgusting. It's like someone rolled some string cheese in a soggy piece of Wonder Bread.

And I anticipate that this sandwich will be similar to that. The mozzarella cheese breading will become immediately soggy, rendering the sandwich into a simply disgusting and completely inedible pile of goo with a gross breaded center. Someone really should have thought this one through a little bit more. Then again, it's Denny's. There are a lot of things that they should have thought through a little bit more.

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Don't Be Poutine the Blame on KFC

Today we're venturing to a KFC located up north in Canada, America's Hat. Even though chain restaurants, especially fast food restaurants, have essentially the same menu no matter where you are (which makes it simply wonderful that you can get Chicken McNuggets when you're in Paris), there are variations on each menu that reflect each culture. Today's alleged culprit is something called poutine.

I, being a Yankee American, had absolutely no idea what poutine is, though from what I have read, it appears to be French fries topped with cheese curd and gravy. (It also appears to be pronounced poo-TIN. I figured I should throw that in there just in case you got a hankerin' for some and didn't want to sound like a fool trying to order some...somewhere.) So...gravy laden cheese fries, eh? I have to tell you that I can't decide if that is ruining a perfectly good plate of cheese fries or if it is creating a heaven on earth sort of delicacy. It's a toss up.

Now, the KFCs up there in America's Hat offer poutine on their menu. And up there at a KFC in Acton, Ontario, a one 15-year old Kendell Lakin had decided to partake in said poutine. So far, so good, right? Right. But then things went slightly awry.

According to the good folks over there at canoe.ca, Ms. Lakin was enjoying her piping hot poutine when she suffered an epileptic seizure and did somewhat of a faceplant in said dish. As a result "...her chin started to blister and her neck appeared red and burned. She went to the hospital and was treated for second-degree burns. Her chin and bottom lip have several large blisters." Wow. That sounds brutal. I'm glad that she's recovering from that incident. Wouldn't it be great if my sad little tale of woe ended here? Sure it would. But you know it doesn't, right? Right.

See, here's the problem: Ms. Lakin's father, a one Lee Lakin, is upset. He's upset at (wait for it) KFC. Why? Well, because they serve their poutine hot, of course. Wait. What now?

Correct. He is angry because the poutine is hot. He claims that "...he’s not after a multi-million dollar lawsuit, he just wants to speak out to warn others and perhaps get the Colonel to turn the temperature down on the cheese and gravy."

Now, below is a close up of the poutine at a KFC as shown to us by the folks over at the I Love Food Blog (picture used without permission, but without malice either). I'm really not thinking that this looks disgusting, but if it were cold, I'd think exactly that. Poutine is clearly made to be eaten hot. It's a hot dish. How do I know this? I know this because French fries are meant to be eaten hot. Gravy is meant to be eaten hot. Melted cheese needs to be hot in order to get that melted quality that makes the melted cheese what it is (that being melted). There's a plethora of heat that is needed to make this dish. That is obvious. What is not obvious is what in the world is wrong with Mr. Lakin.

Perhaps this quote from the aforementioned Mr. Lakin will help us figure it out. He said, "I’m not looking for $10 million. ’m looking for someone to stand up and say, ‘We’re sorry Mr. Lakin, we’re sorry Kendell. We want to make this right and hey everybody this food is hot.’" Hmmm. No. No, that didn't help me sort through this at all.

"Hey everybody this food is hot"? That's what he wants? He didn't know that there was hot food at a KFC?! I'm going to take umbrage at that statement (basically because it's rare that I get to take any umbrage at all anymore, so when I see a chance for umbrage, I jump at it). He knew there was hot food at the KFC. His daughter knew there was hot food at the KFC. The only thing that no one could have possibly known at that KFC was that his daughter was going to have a seizure. And I've got news for Mr. Lakin. There's no way that one can predict when a seizure is going to happen. It's going to happen whenever it wants to regardless as to the temperature of the food in front of the person having the seizure.

Mr. Lakin took his concerns to that particular KFC. He states: "One comment the manager said to me was, ‘The poutine comes in frozen so we really have to heat it up.' KFC needs to figure out how to make this poutine without burning people." KFC already HAS figured out how to make the poutine without burning people! They put it in a cup! They give folks a spork if they want one! (And who doesn't want a spork?) They don't ladle it, piping hot, into the bare hands of the restaurant's patrons! They don't force patrons to eat it out of the cup like a sow at a trough! They've got that one covered, Mr. Lakin!

Immediately following the inexplicable statement above, Mr. Lakin said, "You’ve got hot gravy and hot cheese, two really hot elements in there.” YES! Yes you DO! (Whew! For a minute there, I thought this guy was a complete moron. Oh, wait a minute. He's still blaming the hot poutine for burning his daughter when she had a seizure. Never mind. I'd like to retract that part about him not being a complete moron. Thanks.) You have two really hot elements that are going to burn anyone who touches their mortal flesh to them! That's why you see all of those folks blowing on food at virtually every restaurant establishment that serves food that isn't cold! It's to avoid the burns! We know that! We know about the "two really hot elements"!

What if she hadn't dove into the poutine? What if instead she ended up falling down and hitting her head on the concrete floor? Are you going to go around warning people that concrete is a very solid material and that people should be aware that if you fall and hit your head on the floor that it's going to hurt and is possibly going to injure you? I don't think that you are and do you know why I think that? Because it would be asinine, that's why! And acting like it was the fault of either the KFC or the poutine itself that your daughter got burned is just laughable.

Must I really state the obvious and say that it is not the fault of the KFC that Mr. Lakin's daughter was burned after she went face first in the poutine during an unpredictable epileptic seizure?! Really? The nature of hot food is that it's hot! The nature of a seizure is that it's a seizure! Let's try and put this in a different context (and let's also try not to sound like a complete ass while doing so). but if Mr. Lakin's daughter is prone to seizures, why isn't it her responsibility to only eat food that is cold in case this sort of incident happens again? Because that would be what? Ridiculous, that is correct. But if it weren't so ridiculous, wouldn't the argument be that eating only foods that were cold would be her way of taking responsibility for herself and her condition? Where is the responsibility of the individual in this story?! Oh, that's right. It's missing. Morons.

Wait! Just one more angle! Let's say that this moron is correct and that there should be a label or a sign or a talking dog (which would be kind of cool, really) that says that the hot food is, in fact, hot. Explain to me what effect that is going to have when someone has a seizure and goes face first into the hot food? The hot food that they knew was hot? (You know, because of the talking dog and all.) That's right! It's not going to have any effect. AT ALL!

Come on, sir! Just because something bad and/or unfortunate happens to someone, that doesn't necessarily mean that someone has to be blamed. It doesn't necessarily mean that someone is at fault. That's why some occurrences are called (wait for it) accidents! Sir, if you want to go around spouting some sort of message, how about you make it what to do in case you're around someone who has a seizure? At least that might do some good! But going around telling everyone that hot food is actually hot? Well, that seems like a waste of time on many levels. Stick to seizure awareness. People will hate you less.

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The World's Biggest Sink

When I have to start things out like, "Doesn't this sound familiar?" or "Here we go again" you know it can't be good. No, in fact, you pretty much know that, once again, a product of some mutated gene pool has fulfilled their destiny. And this case is not exception.

Remember the moron (aka Timothy Tackett) that took a bath in the Burger King sink? It was his birthday and, for some unknown reason, he felt that the most appropriate way to celebrate his birthday was to strip down to nothing and hop in the utility sink and utilize it that way. Not good. Not my expectation of "having it my way" if ever I were to lend my patronage to a Burger King.

With that vivid image fresh in our minds, let's make our way over to Anderson, CA. Anderson, population 11,000, is about 10 miles south of Redding, CA in northern California. I don't know a lot about Redding thus, I know even less about Anderson. But I know that a town with a population of 11,000 is no place that I'd turn for a day of excitement, I'll tell you that. I'm guessing that it was that factor coupled with a slightly less than average intelligence quotient of two, make that three, three teenage girls who decided to take a bath in the sink at a KFC. Then, taking a page straight from the glorious conveyor of stupidity, the Internet, they posted the photos where? On MySpace, that is correct! (Hey, you're getting good at this!) Oh, how I bet their parents were just beaming with pride!

Rub-a-dub-dub, three dips in a tub! Behold!

"A KFC manager said the young woman who quit expressed an interest in taking a bath in the sink, but the manager told her not to do it." Well, might I just start off with give that manager a raise! She told her not to do it! Congratulations! Funny, but really, I would have expected nothing less than her telling her not to do it. I actually would have expected a little bit more, perhaps something along the lines of, "Are you effing nuts?" But I'm glad that the manager told her not to. That's definitely a step in the right direction.

Next, um, "Expressed an interest in taking a bath in the sink?" OK, first of all, why would that interest someone? "You know, I've been working here for quite some time. I'm very familiar with all of the various parts of a chicken, which ones are tasty, which ones not so much. I've concluded that parts are parts. But all of my knowledge of the delicious flightless fowl aside, you know what has really started to interest me during my time with the Colonel? That sink over there! I'm really interested in bathing in it! Who do I talk to? Who's in charge of things like that?" Good Lord....Aim high, sweetie. Aim high.

But, second of all, why would you express that interest to anyone at all? I'm sure that there are plenty of us (Translation: All of us) who have an interest in "something" that is, say, not mainstream. Whether it be grape jelly on your cottage cheese or goat lovin', everyone has a quirk or two. And that's the great thing about being human. We can realize that these quirks are just that...quirks! And we can keep them to ourselves once we realize that, hey, if someone finds out about this, I could be mocked and ridiculed for at least a good hour and a half. (It's the Internet age. Nothing lasts forever. The whole world is ADHD now. An hour and a half is at least a lifetime for someone.) So why you would ever mention that your interested in public restaurant sink bathing is beyond me. Unless you're a moron. Oh, I get it. OK. That makes sense. Onward...

You know how when you're in a job interview and they ask you the question, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I'm going to make a public plea to those young, budding morons and beg them to not go with, "Well, my goals are really....heyyyyy! That's a nice sink you have there! Five years from now? I'd definitely like to be bathing in that puppy there!" Please. Don't. It is not a good goal to have, nor is it a good goal to express an interest in having.

The MySpace phenomenon amazes me. I just don't get it. And judging from the pictures, it seems rather clear to me that these young, clueless lasses are trying to be sexy. (Utter the following in a dull monotone voice for the full effect of how "sexy" others may interpret this stunt as: Oh, baby, how hot. You are in a sink used to wash off greasy chicken dishes. I'd sure like to get me a piece o' dat!) I can think of very few things that are much more less sexy than three sturdily built, shielded from the sun teenagers in the dish sink at a KFC. (And from the looks of it, that's a really big sink! Where does one get a sink that big? It's obviously industrial, which could have been another adjective used to describe the bathers, but you could wash a Volkswagen in there it would appear. Forget about the pictures of them in the sink. Someone call Guinness! World's Biggest Sink! World's Biggest Sink!)

According to the folks over there at the Redding Record-Searchlight, "One of the girls bathing in the sink at the Anderson Kentucky Fried Chicken posted the photos on the Internet and after management learned of them, all three were suspended today, said Cheri, assistant manager at the restaurant. She declined to give her last name." Declined to give her last name? You're in a town with a population of 11,000 that the rest of the world has never heard of. I'm pretty sure that anyone who you're worried about knowing who you are, already knows Cheri, the assistant manager over there at the Kentucky Colonel's.

“The girls are being reprimanded for it,” Cheri said. Well, I should hope so! What else would happen? Would they just be given a strongly worded lecture? Wait a minute. Reprimanded?! Fired!! FIRED!! I want the Chicken Sink Bathing Trio of Anderson FIRED!!! Not reprimanded!

After immediately posting their photos on MySpace (for the entire world to engage in the ol' gawk n' mock), "The photos had been filed under a gallery called “KFC moments.” Well, it does appear it was a moment. Not exactly a moment of inspiration, but a moment. ::::sigh::::: Idiots. We're surrounded by idiots and now they're in our sinks.

A KFC spokesman, a one Rick Maynard wrote an email as a response to this incident, which read, in part, “KFC has zero tolerance for violations of our operating standards, and our franchisee has taken immediate action by terminating the employees who were involved." Apparently, someone felt the need to ask Rick if "...there had been similar situations at other KFCs. He replied, “Of course not.” " What in the hell kind of a question is that? "Do you frequently have employees bathing in utility sinks at your restaurants?" "Oh, all the time! We can't keep 'em out of there!" Seriously! Have you heard about this happening in other KFCs? Because if this incident is any indication, you would have!! Who asks that kind of a question?

Perhaps someone like a one Fern Hastings, a "...senior environmental health specialist for Shasta County’s Environmental Health." "Looking at the pictures, she said the girls are violating state Health Code 113971 — which details that restaurant workers are required to wear clean clothes." Wait! It gets better! She said, "Obviously they are not wearing clean outer clothing." Um, ma'am? They're not wearing any outer clothing! But this woman is master of the obvious. You can tell when she says, "You just don’t think someone is going to get in there....it’s definitely not made for humans.” Well, of course it isn't! It's a sink used for dishes! Hence the term, dishes! What is wrong with people?

But here's how this way too long, sad, sad, saga comes to a close. Whichever one of the Sinkettes had the MySpace page where the photos were posted, has since set her page settings to "Private". And while you can no longer view her pictures on her MySpace page (and why would you need to, as they're all over the Internet), she did leave a little message for....I guess maybe the media? It's hard to say. It's odd, though. It reads (and I am not correcting grammar, etc.), "Its a sad world when one has to stoop low enough to go through ones dirty laundry....one womans trash is anothers treasure! —Thanks alot for having good respect how can you live knowing the little bit of money you made was made hurting someone!”

(Well, she shouldn't have been doing her laundry in the sink, either.) Spare me. What did she think was going to happen after she posted those photos? You can't tell me that she had not heard about the guy in the Burger King sink before her and her cohorts pulled their little stunt. Maybe she was hoping for a sitcom? Wow. Welcome to the real world, honey! That's the world where, when you do dumb things, people make fun of you! Most people know a dumb thing when they see one and they treat it as such. They do not think you're cool, no matter how much you'd like to think that you are. They think you're a moron in the sink of a KFC. (By the way, just a tip, you probably shouldn't be getting too riled up at others for not "having good respect" when your "respect" wasn't all that "good" when you climbed in the sink at the Kentucky Colonel's. Not so much. "Hello, Kettle? This is the Pot. You're black!") But for now, since you've been fired and won't be working, might I suggest an English class? Perhaps English Composition 101? Or even just a basic English Grammar 101? That little paragraph of yours there is horrendous.

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Father's Day Boycott

Is it over yet? Father's Day. Is it over? Because if I have to see one more ad on TV or read one more ad in the paper I'm going to twist off. Best Buy, Circuit City, Sears, Wal-Mart, Big-5, Home Depot, and the list goes on. And on. And on.

You know how for a while it was really politically incorrect to say "Merry Christmas"? Because if you said "Christmas" to someone who didn't celebrate that particular holiday (which was meant to celebrate the birth of Christ), then that would be "offensive" to that person. So for some reason, everyone decided that "Happy Holidays" would be a more appropriate greeting of cheer during the month of December than "Merry Christmas". (And you do know that anyone who claimed that they were "offended" was either a softhead and in need of one of my "Helmets For The Softheaded" or they wanted to complain simply because they could. But usually it was both. Softheaded, whiny, complaining, wannabe offended, morons.)

While I would never do this, I'm wondering what would happen if someone wanted to start a movement of people who were "offended" by a holiday called "Father's Day". Maybe someone who has two mothers. Or someone who was conceived through artificial insemination and would prefer that the day be called "Sperm Donor Day". Or someone whose father was a jackass, so why should there be a day that honors him? Or someone whose father is dead (and just so happened to die on the same freaking day that Father's Day falls on this year)? Or someone whose father has had a sex change operation? Or it's one of those "pregnant man" situations? There are lots of scenarios that people could come up with as to why someone could claim to be "offended" by the term/day/title/etc. Thank God no one has, though.

Now, a few years ago, I'd think that something this ridiculous might actually be able to gain a little momentum here and there, just like the "Merry Christmas" fiasco of yore did. But I think that people caught on to the fact that saying "Happy Holidays" only served to remind everyone that they weren't really wishing holiday cheer, they were making a concession for the sake of being politically correct. And it ended up feeling like the guy who had bitched about "Merry Christmas" was just giving you the finger every time you heard "Happy Holidays." Thus, I think that the anti-Father's Day movement wouldn't get very far. But a few years ago? Sure. It would have been renamed "Appropriate and Non-Abusive Caretaker and DNA Giver Day" a long time ago.

But here's my thing: All of this stuff that they're advertising for "Dad" isn't what he wants or what he'll remember. He doesn't need or want a Flowbee or a Turnip Twaddler or a George Foreman Grill. All he needs and wants is your time. (And probably a meal from the Kentucky Colonel. Dad will never have a problem with a little KFC.) He won't remember the Flowbee or the Turnip Twaddler or the George Foreman grill, but he will remember the time you spent with him because he's your Dad. And you won't remember the Flowbee or the Turnip Twaddler or the George Foreman grill either, but you'll remember the time you spent with him because he's your Dad, too. And it won't matter if it's on a Father's Day or if it's on a Tuesday, because you don't need Father's Day to sit down with the guy and spend a little time together munching on some chicken. (I'm telling you. You can't go wrong with Kentucky Fried Chicken. Ever.)

So screw Best Buy and Circuit City and Home Depot (really screw Home Depot, I can't stand that place) and all of 'em except the Colonel. Go get some chicken instead and spend some time with your Dad.

(The following is mostly for symbolic purposes. The only other purpose it could possibly serve is simply to appease myself and to maybe make today easier. It hasn't yet, but maybe it will.)

Hey, Dad.

Happy Father's Day. What are the chances, eh? Same day as...you know. I'm glad I don't have to get used to it being on Father's Day as much as I have to get used to it overall. That would suck.

This picture is from the beach in Cambria. I took it, you know, that day I had to go down there. It's a nice place to end up. I'm going to assume you're happy with it.

I know you know things are good here, so I won't bore you with little updates about stuff you're already aware of. And I know you're OK, so I won't go there either.

I found another marble. Weird, huh? Well, maybe not for you. You might know where they all came from by now, but I still don't get it. This one was in the front. Haven't found one in a while, but every time I do, I think about you.

Hey, thanks for being my Dad. You didn't have to. You kind of signed up for the job because you wanted to. And then you ended up with me. And I'm glad you did. You were an awesome Dad. Thanks a lot.

I sure do miss you. I wish you could come back.

I love you, Dad.

~ Mare

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