Happy Birthday, Dad

If my Dad were still around, today would have been his birthday. Come to think of it, around or not, it's still his birthday. Regardless, even though I am fully aware that he (likely) does not have a computer or the Internet, I'm still doing it this way.

Happy birthday, Dad.

We'll be having your usual birthday dinner tonight. No sense in missing out on that. I sure do wish you could be here for it. As far as everything else goes, since I talk to you all the time, I won't go into a ton of detail because you already know everything.

I sure do miss you and I really wish you could come back.

Happy birthday, Dad. I love you.

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Happy Father's Day

Today is Father's Day. Not exactly my most favorite day of the year, but at least the corporations don't cram it down our throats the way that they do Mother's Day and Christmas. (It's not always joyous!) I don't know why I feel the need to do this, but I do and I'm gonna.

Happy Father's Day, Dad.

I just wanted to tell you thanks for being my Dad. I pretty much scored on that deal. OK, granted, when they called and told you guys that you could have me if you wanted, it did help things a bit that you said yes. (I didn't really have a lot of say in that whole deal, so the ball was really pretty much in your court at that time. And well played!)

You did a really good job. You taught me a whole lotta stuff. And I apparently still could have learned a bunch more, as evidenced by a couple of weeks ago as I was attempting to assemble a bicycle. Let's just say it did not go well. All I kept thinking was how if you were around, you'd know how to do it. (But I did remember about always saving the box until you know that you're not going to have to take something back! THAT was helpful!)

I still have that Father's Day card that I never got to give you. I don't really know what to do with it, so I'm just gonna hang onto it. I think it's a Daffy Duck card. I'm pretty sure you'd like it.

I really miss you and I sure do wish you could come back. Happy Father's Day.

Me.

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I Miss You, Dad

(This post isn't necessarily being written because I think that it's actually going to get read by the subject of said post. I realize that's not likely to be the case. But it's being written anyway because, well, what else am I going to do? )

Hey, Dad.

Today makes six years. How'd that happen?! Sometimes it seems like it went by really fast and other times it seems like it's taken ten times as long. Neither one is better than the other, but even if one was, I'd still miss you.

I don't think I need to bore you with details as to what's been goin' on lately. I'm sure you're well aware. Mom's good. She just got back from vacation. Everyone else is doing pretty good too. Probably like I usually do, I'll have our dinner at some point. Not like it's a fair trade or anything, but I do enjoy that part! I'd still rather have you around than the dinner.

You know, right after everything happened, someone told me that one day I would stop crying, but that nothing would ever be the same again. Man, they were right. It just hasn't been the same without you around. (And most of the time I don't cry.)

Thanks for being my Dad. You did a really good job. I sure do miss you. I wish you could come back. See you later. ~ Me

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Happy Birthday, Dad

If my Dad were still around, today would have been his birthday. Come to think of it, around or not, it's still his birthday. Regardless, even though I am fully aware that he (likely) does not have a computer or the Internet, I'm still doing it this way.

Happy birthday, Dad.

We'll be having your usual birthday dinner tonight. No sense in missing out on that. I sure do wish you could be here for it. As far as everything else goes, since I talk to you all the time, I won't go into a ton of detail because you already know everything.

I sure do miss you and I really wish you could come back.

Happy birthday, Dad. I love you.

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Happy Birthday, Dad.

If my Dad were around, today would have been his birthday. Come to think of it, around or not, it's still his birthday. Regardless, even though I am fully aware that he (likely) does not have a computer or the Internet, I'm still doing it this way.

Happy birthday, Dad.

We'll be having your usual birthday dinner tonight. No sense in missing out on that. I sure do wish you could be here for it. As far as everything else goes, since we chat all the time, I won't go into a ton of detail because you already know everything.

I sure do miss you and I wish you could come back.

Happy birthday, Dad.

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Happy Father's Day

Today is Father's Day. Not exactly my most favorite day of the year, but at least the corporations don't cram it down our throats the way that they do Mother's Day and Christmas. (It's not always joyous!) I don't know why I feel the need to do this, but I do and I'm gonna.

Happy Father's Day, Dad.

I just wanted to tell you thanks for being my Dad. I pretty much scored on that deal. OK, granted, when they called and told you guy that you could have me if you wanted, it did help things a bit that you said yes. (I didn't really have a lot of say in that whole deal, so the ball was really pretty much in your court at that time. And well played!)

You did a really good job. You taught me a whole lotta stuff. And I apparently still could have learned a bunch more, as evidenced by a couple of weeks ago as I was attempting to assemble a bicycle. Let's just say it did not go well. All I kept thinking was how if you were around, you'd know how to do it. (But I did remember about always saving the box until you know that you're not going to have to take something back! THAT was helpful!)

I still have that Father's Day card that I never got to give you. I don't really know what to do with it, so I'm just gonna hang onto it. I think it's a Daffy Duck card. I'm pretty sure you'd like it.

I really miss you and I sure do wish you could come back. Happy Father's Day.

Me.

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Hey

(This post isn't necessarily being written because I think that it's actually going to get read by the subject of said post. I realize that's not likely to be the case. But it's being written anyway because, well, what else am I going to do? )

Hey, Dad.

Today makes four years. How'd that happen?! Sometimes it seems like it went by really fast and other times it seems like it's taken ten times as long. Neither one is better than the other, but even if one was, I'd still miss you.

I don't think I need to bore you with details as to what's been goin' on lately. I'm sure you're well aware. I was going to go down to Cambria today, but I had some things scheduled and so I couldn't. I'm thinking maybe in July (I still need to make that bench to go down there by where you're at).

Probably like I usually do, I'll have our dinner at some point. Not like it's a fair trade or anything, but I do enjoy that part! I'd still rather have you around than the dinner.

You know, right after everything happened, someone told me that one day I would stop crying, but that nothing would ever be the same again. Man, they were right. It just hasn't been the same without you around. (And most of the time I don't cry.)

Thanks for being my Dad. You did a really good job. I sure do miss you. I wish you could come back. See you later. ~ Me

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Happy Birthday

If my Dad were around, today would have been his birthday. Come to think of it, around or not, it's still his birthday. Regardless, even though I am fully aware that he (likely) does not have a computer or the Internet, I'm still doing it this way.

Happy birthday, Dad.

We'll be having your usual birthday dinner tonight. No sense in missing out on that. I sure do wish you could be here for it. As far as everything else goes, since we chat all the time, I won't go into a ton of detail because you already know everything.

I miss you and I wish you could come back.

Happy birthday.

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Is It Normal?

OK, as corporate America does not allow us to forget, yesterday was Father's Day. (And I, for one, cannot tell you how glad I am that it is over. Trust me, I liked it a lot better when I had a Dad. Hoo-boy, that was a downer. The rest of this post better be freaking good after dropping that one on you. Happy, happy, joy, joy! Here we go!) And there are always the promotions, sales, etc. trying to entice us to show how much Dad means to us by giving our money to someone else in exchange for crap to give to Dad. Aw. The sentiment.

But here's a new one for me. There was an online survey for Dads. While that didn't strike me as overly strange, the fact that is was the "Great American Dad Sex Survey" kind of surprised me. (Do you want to think about your Dad taking the "Great American Dad Sex Survey"? I didn't think so. Onward.) But then I looked at who was administering the survey and it was put together by AOL and Cookie Magazine. What the hell?

So I had to check it out. Come on, Cookie Magazine? And I checked it out and I'm still asking, "What the hell?" It does not exactly strike me as a site that would know anything at all about a man's sexual habits or traits or what's normal or what isn't. It doesn't even strike me as a site that a man would ever go to. (It doesn't even strike me as a site that would know about cookies, either.) Look at the images below. Does it look like a magazine that should be dabbling in the sexual surveying of Dads? I don't think so either!

In general, the website is far from normal. It appears to be clearly dedicated to the soft-headed. I saw a lot of stuff on there that pertained to women. I don't know how many Dads need to know about the strangest places women had to pump breast milk. (As long as the Dads don't have to deal with it, the woman can do it anywhere she'd like.) But there wasn't a whole lot about men on this site. Let alone men's sexuality.

So then I figured I'd click on the Mind and Body tag and maybe find something, anything, that was directed at or written for men. Nope. Same crap. Ooh! But they have forums! Let's see what those have....OK....A-ha! A forum titled "Is It Normal?" That should be good. We'll go there....Wait. What?

What the hell is this? Here is the topic summary at the top of the forum: "Wondering if it is normal to think about running out to the grocery store for milk and never returning? Ask about anything going on with you or your child and get a reality check here." Huh? Go get milk, never to return again? Check your or your child's reality here? Those are the examples under "Is It Normal?" Am I supposed to answer those? OK, I'll try. Um, NO! Those are not normal questions to be put under the heading of "Is It Normal?" See, "Is It Normal?" when asked on the Internet, is supposed to contain threads such as:

• "I really like goats. Can I take one to the drive in with me?"
  
  
• "I want to have sex in a Prius."
  
  
• "I want to have sex WITH a Prius."
  
  
• "I find Keith Richards attractive."
  
  
• "I have painted my penis bright yellow. Just like the mailman's."
  

THOSE are the questions for "Is It Normal?" Nothing about milk! Nothing about leaving! Sex, goats and penises! That's what should be there!

But finally, finally, I did find some strange ones, like:

• "Do you worry about dog-baby assault?" (I do NOW! But not from this guy. He's just cute!)


• "Where and how is it politically correct for my 4 yr. old to get pissed off?" (Probably when your 4 yr. old knows what the hell "politically correct" actually IS. But then again, if he knows that, then you could just sit down and have a chat with him about why he's pissed off.)


• "Husband doesn't hear me." (Oh, yes he does. And if that's your question, I'd have to say he hears you OFTEN. TOO often.)

But I was still thinking there had to be more. It was titled "Is It Normal?" for God's sakes and all those people are worried about is if their baby is going to assault their dog! Geez. All right! I finally found a couple of them that actually belong there! We have:

• "Balloon boobs, rubber band vaginas, how about underarm flab?" (Wow. The elasticity of the female body. Who knew?)
  
  
• "Husband jerking off while babysitting." (Ah-ha! Finally! I'm quitting while I'm ahead! And so should he, really.)

I looked to see what the responses were for the two topics above and, well, let's just say that they were pretty lame. Apparently, everyone agreed on the gravity pull and it's detriment to the female body as it ages. And it was about a half and half split (half thinking it was normal, half thinking it was damnation to hell perversion) on the monkey spanking babysitter.

I never did find the "Great American Dad Sex Survey" on their site. And I can't say that I'm all that broken up about it either. But what I can conclude from all of this is kind of what I already knew in the first place.

• A website named "Cookie Magazine" doesn't know squat about men, women OR what is normal or not (though I suspect that "Cookie Magazine" = not normal).
  
  
• No one, I mean no one wants to think of their Dad taking "The Great American Dad Sex Survey." They just don't.
  
  
• A forum category titled "Is it Normal?" probably is not.
  
  
• The female body is strangely elastic.

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Father's Day Boycott

Is it over yet? Father's Day. Is it over? Because if I have to see one more ad on TV or read one more ad in the paper I'm going to twist off. Best Buy, Circuit City, Sears, Wal-Mart, Big-5, Home Depot, and the list goes on. And on. And on.

You know how for a while it was really politically incorrect to say "Merry Christmas"? Because if you said "Christmas" to someone who didn't celebrate that particular holiday (which was meant to celebrate the birth of Christ), then that would be "offensive" to that person. So for some reason, everyone decided that "Happy Holidays" would be a more appropriate greeting of cheer during the month of December than "Merry Christmas". (And you do know that anyone who claimed that they were "offended" was either a softhead and in need of one of my "Helmets For The Softheaded" or they wanted to complain simply because they could. But usually it was both. Softheaded, whiny, complaining, wannabe offended, morons.)

While I would never do this, I'm wondering what would happen if someone wanted to start a movement of people who were "offended" by a holiday called "Father's Day". Maybe someone who has two mothers. Or someone who was conceived through artificial insemination and would prefer that the day be called "Sperm Donor Day". Or someone whose father was a jackass, so why should there be a day that honors him? Or someone whose father is dead (and just so happened to die on the same freaking day that Father's Day falls on this year)? Or someone whose father has had a sex change operation? Or it's one of those "pregnant man" situations? There are lots of scenarios that people could come up with as to why someone could claim to be "offended" by the term/day/title/etc. Thank God no one has, though.

Now, a few years ago, I'd think that something this ridiculous might actually be able to gain a little momentum here and there, just like the "Merry Christmas" fiasco of yore did. But I think that people caught on to the fact that saying "Happy Holidays" only served to remind everyone that they weren't really wishing holiday cheer, they were making a concession for the sake of being politically correct. And it ended up feeling like the guy who had bitched about "Merry Christmas" was just giving you the finger every time you heard "Happy Holidays." Thus, I think that the anti-Father's Day movement wouldn't get very far. But a few years ago? Sure. It would have been renamed "Appropriate and Non-Abusive Caretaker and DNA Giver Day" a long time ago.

But here's my thing: All of this stuff that they're advertising for "Dad" isn't what he wants or what he'll remember. He doesn't need or want a Flowbee or a Turnip Twaddler or a George Foreman Grill. All he needs and wants is your time. (And probably a meal from the Kentucky Colonel. Dad will never have a problem with a little KFC.) He won't remember the Flowbee or the Turnip Twaddler or the George Foreman grill, but he will remember the time you spent with him because he's your Dad. And you won't remember the Flowbee or the Turnip Twaddler or the George Foreman grill either, but you'll remember the time you spent with him because he's your Dad, too. And it won't matter if it's on a Father's Day or if it's on a Tuesday, because you don't need Father's Day to sit down with the guy and spend a little time together munching on some chicken. (I'm telling you. You can't go wrong with Kentucky Fried Chicken. Ever.)

So screw Best Buy and Circuit City and Home Depot (really screw Home Depot, I can't stand that place) and all of 'em except the Colonel. Go get some chicken instead and spend some time with your Dad.

(The following is mostly for symbolic purposes. The only other purpose it could possibly serve is simply to appease myself and to maybe make today easier. It hasn't yet, but maybe it will.)

Hey, Dad.

Happy Father's Day. What are the chances, eh? Same day as...you know. I'm glad I don't have to get used to it being on Father's Day as much as I have to get used to it overall. That would suck.

This picture is from the beach in Cambria. I took it, you know, that day I had to go down there. It's a nice place to end up. I'm going to assume you're happy with it.

I know you know things are good here, so I won't bore you with little updates about stuff you're already aware of. And I know you're OK, so I won't go there either.

I found another marble. Weird, huh? Well, maybe not for you. You might know where they all came from by now, but I still don't get it. This one was in the front. Haven't found one in a while, but every time I do, I think about you.

Hey, thanks for being my Dad. You didn't have to. You kind of signed up for the job because you wanted to. And then you ended up with me. And I'm glad you did. You were an awesome Dad. Thanks a lot.

I sure do miss you. I wish you could come back.

I love you, Dad.

~ Mare

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