Yo Ho Ho and a Sword and Some Pot

So, would it surprise you if a guy in New York was arrested for carrying a rusty pirate sword into Macy's (of all places)? Not so much, right? Would it surprise you if it was a grown man on his way to a kickball game that he was playing in? Little bit, eh? Well, how about if the grown man on his way to a kickball game that he was playing in was carrying the rusty sword because his team dresses up like pirates for their games? Yep, that should do it.

And that's what got Lawrence Jackson (otherwise known as Matey Lance) arrested. That's Lance over there on the right. (He's clearly the secret love child of Spike Lee.) See, the NYPD doesn't see the pirate-y kickballer sword as being a sort of recreational sport prop. No, they tend to see it as a "weapon". Which is why they arrested him. (And they kind of have a point. I think "sword", I think "weapon". Actually, I think "sword", I think "Arrgh! Weapon!")

So what was a sporty, sword-wielding pirate doing at Macy's? He was shopping for glasses with his pregnant girlfriend, Teresa, on their way to his kickball game against " La Resistance" in Brooklyn's McCarren Park. They had taken the subway to Macy's and since no one on the New York subway complained about a fellow rider with a weapon (shocking, I know), he must have felt that the crowd at Macy's would have the same set of standards. Oh, but alas, they did not. (Teresa did say that she told him to "check the sword with security, but he went in with it anyway".) It was reported that some shoppers, those not used to weapon carrying buccaneers in the Vision Department, were frightened. That would explain how the cops became involved (I'm assuming).

His girlfriend told the New York Post, "It's metal, but it's a fake sword. It's not like he was going to hurt anyone." You know, while I know what she means, if it looks like a sword and it feels like a sword, it's kind of a sword. And Teresa and Lance told the cops this when they showed up. But the cops said, "He thought it was a toy. But it's not a toy. It's sharp." (Hey now! Think back to your childhood, officer! Some of the best toys that we had were sharp! Sharp, dangerous, could poke out an eye, that's the stuff that beautiful recreational memories from early childhood are made of.)

And he might have been an oblivious sword carrying corsair, but he was also not a very bright one because the guy had an outstanding warrant for possession of marijuana. Marijuana that was just like the kind that he had on him at the time of the Great Macy's Sword Fiasco 2008. Brilliant.

But those kickballing pirates stick together like birds of a pirate's parrot's feathers. The captain of Lance's kickball team wrote a letter to the Post in support of Lance, kickball and pirates. It reads:

"We at Los Piratas Mechanicos (The Mechanical Pirates) ARRR like a family. We bring props, dress up like pirates, wear eyepatches and say ARRR all the time. We fly flags and throw water balloons. This is what we do. We ARRR the Pirates of Kickball. Lance has been an crucial part of this team for many years now. He was one of the first people to make me feel a part of the team I now lead. It is very unfortunate that Lance decided to take the sword and walk around with it in Macy's. The sword was actually supposed to be given to me as the official transference of captianship. So in a way I feel like it's partly my fault. We hope for his speedy release."

Well said, Captain. Well said. (Especially the part about "We ARRR the Pirates of Kickball". That was hilarious, sir. Hil-arious.)


Just in case you were wondering about the whole "adults playing kickball" thing, let me provide a few details. There are an astounding thirty three teams in the kickball league with the Pirates. Yes, thirty three. One more than the number of football teams in the NFL. And yes, the other 32 kickball teams sport names just as original as Los Pirates Mechanicos. For example, there are the MakeOuts, The John Cougar Mellencamps and The Government Kickbacks. Also, in addition to the pirate gear and pirate speak, Los Piratas Mechanicos sometimes sport drawn on mustaches for the full swashbuckling effect. ARRR!

Now, if you haven't found a soft spot for these grown men playing a sport usually found on elementary school playgrounds at recess, maybe this will do it: Here's what co-captain Hector Castillo had to say about the incident, "It was just a dumb joke. I know it sounds like a dumb idea, but we're all family here. We were planning a baby shower for his kid. We were going to deck it out with pirate flags." Aw. I mean, Ar.

Good luck with this, Lance. You ARRR probably going to need it.

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WTF Is Wrong With You?

From the files of WTF Is Wrong With You? Three teenagers in Humble, TX (that name will prove itself to be ironic here shortly) admitted that they were involved in and responsible for a theft. Well, a couple of thefts. So, two thefts. Now, usually, I'm the first one handing out kudos for people taking responsibility (and I'm not talking about those tasty granola treats, either. Though it's a thought. They're really good!), but not in this case. Sorry. There will be no kudos from me here (and that DOES include those tasty treats). That's because what the three teens stole (twice, mind you. TWICE.) was a skull. From a body. In a grave. After they removed the head. AND THEN USED THE SKULL AS A BONG TO SMOKE POT!!!!

Again, WTF is wrong with you?! All three of you. WTF?

I guess that there was some abandoned cemetery to the north of Humble which, according to KTRK News is a northern suburb of Houston. (You know, in case you need some sort of geographical bearing to understand how whacked out it is for three teenagers to steal a head from a corpse to use the skull as a freaking bong! Yeah, location is everything.)The boys had found the cemetery and then got the brilliant idea to make a skull pipe. And what better place to find a skull than in a cemetery! Lucky them!

They were all charged with abuse of a corpse which is a misdemeanor (unless you're the corpse and then it feels a little more serious). The only way that the cops found out about this is that one of the boys was arrested on an unrelated theft matter (I can only imagine what that could have consisted of. Wandering off with a paraplegic's wheelchair? Stealing guide dogs from the blind?) and admitted to the theft of head.

The cop said that he initially doubted the story. (Why? Why would you doubt this story? You've got a kid, already in trouble for stealing things, right? You think he's going to MAKE UP something like THAT?! I'm pretty creative, but I highly doubt that I would come up with "I stole the head off a dead body so me and my buddies could smoke some weed. Dude. Heh-heh.") But then he talked with another one of the boys and he said the same thing. The story also mentioned that it took the cops 2 days to find the abandoned cemetery. WHY on earth they didn't just have the boys take them there is beyond me. They had obviously been there at least TWICE. Both times for the same purpose. Skull snatching.

And whose skull did they steal? Apparently it was that of an 11 year old boy who died in 1921. "The headstone was knocked off its base, and the grave consisted of a huge hole filled with rain water. Um, what about the rest of the kid? "At this point, police have not recovered any bones, but they are trying to locate the family of the deceased to inform them of the incident. (OK, I'm really questioning this procedure. It's questionable for me if I would want to know that the skull of my dearly departed had been removed from the grave and used as a bong. I'm really leaning towards that being something that I don't need to know.)

Now, look, this story is disturbing on so many levels, it's hard to know where to start. But I'll try. First of all, it is absolutely sick and wrong to want to smoke pot (or anything else) out of a human skull. If you're thinking this sounds like a good idea, it's highly likely there is something wrong with you. Second, if you have a friend, an acquaintance, a courteous neighbor, anyone, really, who suggests to you that perhaps the two of you should go to a cemetery for the purpose of retrieving a skull from which to smoke pot from, you should immediately (but politely) decline. Then you should ask that twisted individual, "Dude, WTF?" Third, (and this is really kind of an elaboration on number two above here) do NOT go with your friend to the cemetery to dig up a corpse and take the skull. DO. NOT. DO. IT. I cannot stress this point enough (but hopefully the caps hammered it home for you).

Usually, those who smoke pot don't have quite this much ambition to do anything that doesn't involve some sort of snack. But this is just ambition gone horribly, horribly awry. Can't wait to hear how all of this plays out in front of a judge. Stay tuned for that, won't ye?

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