C Is For Crazy

Listen, if Cookie Monster tells me to do something, I'm pretty well going to do it.  So when the title of his latest video (Who knew that Cookie Monster would even have a latest video?) is called "Share It Maybe", I'm going to do just that.  Behold! 

  

What'd you think? Cute, right?  Yeah, but if you're like me, some of the politically correct lyrics were not lost on you.  Seriously, have people become so freaking full of themselves that they are now monitoring what puppets say?!  How else can you explain the line "Let's get skim milk flowing"?  Skim milk?  Really?  Because puppets need to worry about the fat content of the milk that they intake??  Look, I know that it doesn't seem like it, but I swear that I try to be optimistic about some things.  (Why are you laughing?)  But when a Cookie Monster video feels the need to be politically correct with the inclusion of skim milk in the lyrics, that's when I know that we really, truly are doomed.  C is for Cookie?  More like C is for Crazy.

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There Is No Such Thing As Zombies

I know that I say we're doomed a lot, but it's not like I don't give plenty of examples to back up my statement of impending doomage.  I show you time and time again how this country is not long for this world and not without good reason.  Too many morons running the show seems to be the problem.  And now we must add to said list of morons a group that isn't typically thought of as being particularly moron heavy.  That group would be the CDC, the Center for Disease Control.  There are brilliant minds over there who work tirelessly to help thwart deadly diseases and to prevent others from taking over (which really wouldn't be all that bad of an idea for some folks out there.  But I digress.).  And that's why my disappointment level is at an all time high when I read that they have issued a statement in light of the recent "cannibalistic" attacks that have taken place.  So, have no fear, there are no zombies near.  Wait.  What? 

That's right.  The CDC has felt the need to announce that zombies (yes, zombies) are (wait for it) not real.  I know!  Can you believe it?!  Not real!  Who'd a thunk it?!  According to Business Week, a one CDC spokesman David Daigle "...sent an email to the Huffington Post, answering questions about the possibility of the undead walking among us".  Now, while I don't know that I would necessarily call the Huffington Post the bastion of reporting, I do have a great deal of respect for the CDC.  And one of my reasons for having the opinion that I do of the Huffington Post is that they are the sort of organization that would ask the CDC questions about zombies.  That the CDC felt the need to stoop down and answer those questions is why I'm annoyed at the CDC.  Aren't they above that?  Apparently not. 

In part, he wrote, "CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead,"...adding: "(or one that would present zombie-like symptoms.)"  Good Lord.  Wouldn't a simple "They're not real, dips**ts!" suffice?  This is the group of people who are supposed to help prevent and protect against the outbreak of disease and they're commenting on zombies.  You tax dollars hard at work, folks!  There's even a specific page on the CDC's website entitled "Zombie Preparedness".  The theory behind it seems to be that if you're prepared for a fictional zombie attack, then you will have also prepared yourself for other real disasters and problems that can come your way.  So since people are too stupid to prepare for real things, I guess the CDC figures that it's just easier to go ahead and let them since it might help them with something else.  I think that they're giving those sorts of folks too much credit.  Anyone who is actually preparing for the zombie apocalypse wouldn't even realize if/when a real disaster were to strike.  With their head so far up their proverbial ass, it's a wonder they can prepare for anything at all. 

Now, I get the part about people needing to have something to blame for events that they find completely horrifying.  It's like when someone dies of a heart attack or something and you find an unlikely way to justify their death that would make it at least slightly improbably that you would meet the same fate.  (For example, poor Jim gets hit by a bus walking across a busy street.  It's the same street that you walk across all the time.  It's also the same street where you see plenty of buses.  Thus, you say to yourself, "Oh, well, Jim was such a fat-ass that it's no surprise that he died."  Jim's fat-assed-ness had nothing to do with it, but you attribute that to him so that you don't have to think about your own ass (fat or not) getting hit by a bus in a similar fashion.) But what is wrong with the most logical explanation in these sorts of instances?  What's wrong with attributing these horrific attacks (and subsequent ingestion of human flesh and/or parts) to a simple case of crazy?  There's no need to make stuff up.  Those folks were just good old fashioned crazy!  You don't to drag fictional monsters into the equation.  Just go with crazy! 

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Still Not A Winner

Hey, guess what happened? The Mega Millions winner in Maryland came forward and guess what? I know this will shock you, but it turns out that it was NOT that possibly mentally ill woman who called herself Mirlande Wilson on the news, but who goes by Sheila Paraison on Facebook (for reasons that I still cannot ascertain). Shocking, I know!

Seriously, this woman has been going around for at least a week and telling everyone that she won. Well, that was at first. Then it was that she won, but she hid the ticket at the McDonald's that she worked at. (How that McDonald's was not torn apart McNugget by McNugget is beyond me.) After that it was that it was in her house somewhere, but she couldn't find it. (For some reason, her 15-year old daughter had been asked about this and she responded that Mirlande/Sheila wouldn't let the kids (she has SEVEN of them) look for the ticket and the girl said she was crying because "it's a lot of money". Yes. Yes, it is. Sorry to say that you won't be getting a lot of money. Also sorry to say that your mom is a bit of a cuckoo bird.) I think after that it was in God's hands. (That didn't make any sense to me either, because God can't cash it in. Why would he have it?) And the worst part about that whole fiasco is that she had gone in with a bunch of her McDonald's co-workers to buy a bunch of tickets and basically said that she won, but that she wasn't sharing because she bought her ticket separately. Yeah, OK, then.

But yesterday it comes out that the winners have claimed their prize in Maryland and (spoiler alert!) it was not Ms. Wilson/Paraison. The winners were three Maryland public school system employees who have chosen to remain anonymous. That's a little different than the woman who had been claiming that she won. Looking back, considering that she didn't win, the anonymous route probably would have saved her a little bit of humiliation. Well, that is, if she understood that she really didn't win.

See, she's still denying that she didn't win. According to the New York Post, she "...insisted yesterday that she didn’t lie when she told her lottery pool co-workers — and the world — that she had hit the Mega Millions jackpot." But...but...she didn't win. They didn't give her the money. And she was saying that she won...sooooooo....what now? I don't get it either. But after the lottery folks announced that these other three people had actually won (and apparently had the ticket, and now the money, to prove it), she said “I don’t know who lied. I’m not the liar!" But...but...you are.

Tell me something. What do you think that this woman was thinking was going to happen with this little story of hers? Did she think that the lottery people were just going to give her the money simply because she said that she won? I think that's why they make you actually show the ticket. And what about all of her co-workers at McDonald's? How did she think that this was going to go over with all of them? Can you imagine how tense things must be around that deep fryer these days? She's going to find herself minced up in one of those God-awful Snack Wraps one of these days I'd imagine. Just one more example of how I just don't get people. I don't get this crazy line of thinking. Oh, wait. That's right. She's crazy. Never mind. I got it. Carry on!

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I Don't Think She Really Won

I have figured out what the deal is with the Mega Millions "winner" that I discussed yesterday. Yes, after reading several articles about this situation, there is only one conclusion that I can come to. She's nuttier than a fruit bat.

I'll start with the obvious. This woman's name is Mirlande Wilson and she works at McDonald's. She has seven children and is not married. But for some reason, she goes by Sheila Paraison on Facebook. Other revelations from her Facebook include her working at "United Nations". (Yep. Plural!) Granted, there can be a rather diverse community converging upon the McDonald's from time to time, but I don't know that you can qualify that as being the "United Nations". Then again, considering that I'm pretty sure she's never worked there, I guess it doesn't matter what she calls it. She could have put that she worked in Narnia. The end result would be the same!


But my favorite revelation from her Facebook page? Her favorite TV shows are The Jerry Springer Show and Maury! I couldn't have made that up if I tried! So this is a woman who enjoys a program where the audience has been known to break out in raucous chants of "Mid-get Fight! Mid-get Fight!" All rightee, then. It's only going to get better from here. (And don't get me wrong. I have a few guilty pleasure TV shows that I enjoy with the lights off and all of the curtains drawn so as not to draw attention to the disaster that I am watching unfold on purpose. But you don't see me advertising it on Facebook!)

Despite all of this hooplah and pretending to win the lottery, she's managed to find some time to update her status. Sometime on Tuesday she wrote "All my true friend know im not greedy a person i don't want da money it made my life a living hell already im gonna give it all to rebuild haiti yall can chase all want my life and, my children it more important for money." Wow. OK. I guess I appreciate that she chose to throw in a random comma there at the end, so I guess I can't bitch about no punctuation. I'm not even really sure what that means considering that she doesn't have any of the money yet. And all of this "hell" she seems to have brought upon herself. Later, she changed her status to "It nutting to me yall calls the to my house my job why it supposed to be secret now I cannot laid in my bed in im gonna put in for donation we all lost" OK, I don't even know what half of that means. But I will say that if it was "supposed to be secret", perhaps someone should give her a little refresher course on how to keep secrets. (Step One: Do not tell the entire world about it. Step Two: Calling press conferences outside of your home are a no-no.)

Next, she called a press conference outside of her home yesterday. She was late to show up and when she did show up, do you know what she told the throngs of reporters out there? According to the New York Daily News, she told them to go home. That's right. She called a news conference to tell the reporters to go home "...so she and her children can go back to a normal life". You know how I go about having a normal life? Well, I start by not calling news conferences in front of my own home! Then you know what I do? I don't claim that I have a winning lottery ticket when I most likely do not. That's how I go about a normal life.

Yeah, she still hasn't produced the "winning" ticket. I don't know if she's still sticking to her "some of the numbers looked familiar" story or what. And just because no other winner in Maryland has come forward, that doesn't mean anything. No one has come forward in the other two states either. The only real difference here is we have a crazy person in the mix. Oh, and get a load of what her lawyer said about this. He said, "I cannot say with any certainty this ticket exists." OK. Well, he's the lawyer. Shouldn't he ask to see it? According to him, "I have not seen the ticket, nor do I want to see the ticket," Wait. You don't...you don't want to?! You just want to continue to represent a crazy person? OK, then. So, he's nuts too, apparently. Interesting. They seem like a great match. Well, until he finds out that he's been had. But Fox News says that "Maryland State Lottery Director Stephen Martino announced a 2 p.m. press conference on Thursday at which officials said he would discuss the "status of the winning ticket," among other things." Ooh! I'm SO looking forward to the "among other things" that will be discussed. I just love these sorts of things. Makes my day is what it does!

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Vaguely Familiar Numbers

It's time for a crazy lottery story. As you may or may not be aware, the Mega Millions lottery got ridiculously large last week. We're talking second-world country big. It was over six hundred million dollars. And with so many people buying tickets because every one of them expected to win, it was almost inevitable that someone would win. And someone did. Three someones, actually. And one of them appears to be fairly crazy, so that's good.

Our story begins in Maryland. That's where we meet a one Mirlande Wilson. Now, according to the folks over at the New York Post, Ms. Wilson works at McDonald's where, in addition to providing delicious Chicken McNuggets for hungry consumers on the run, she joined a lottery pool with at least fifteen other employees. The deal was that they'd all chip in some money and she would buy the tickets. If a ticket won, they all won. Well, wouldn't you know it? A ticket won! But she says that they didn't all win. No, she says that she won. That's right. Just her.

Ms. Wilson claims that she bought tickets on her own separate from those that she bought with her probably former friends at this point. "I was in the group, but this was separate. The winning ticket was a separate ticket,” the single mother of seven said as she and her fiancé left her home in the squalid Westport neighborhood to attend church." Wow, there's a lot to like in that sentence. First of all, thank you New York Post for describing her neighborhood as "squalid". That paints quite a picture. Next up, does that say seven children? AND she has a fiance?! Did she have the fiance BEFORE she "won" a squintillion dollars? If so, I'd like to know more about him, please. Really. I'd like to know more about the kind of guy who is engaged to a woman who has seven children and lives in a squalid neighborhood. I'd like to know his story AND their story. I'm sure I'd enjoy it.

But back to Ms. Wilson. Of course, her co-workers are not happy with these developments. “She can’ t do this to us!” said Suleiman Osman Husein, a shift manager and one of 15 members in the pool. “We each paid $5. She took everybody’s money!” Strong words coming from folks who make $7.50 an hour and might be getting screwed out of millions of dollars. But wait! Perhaps they all weren't quite so lucky after all! Dun dun dunnnnnnnnn!

Here's where it gets a little wacky. I guess after her big announcement, as she was continually pressed for more information, she lets this out: "I don’t know if I won. Some of the numbers were familiar. I recognized some of [them]...I don’t know why people are saying differently...I’m going to go to the lottery office [today]. I bought some tickets separately.” Wait a minute. What now?

She doesn't know if she won?! Look, I understand that she's a Haitian immigrant (what I don't understand is what exactly that means, but that's a completely different post) and might not fully grasp some American customs. But I'm having a hard time believing that the lottery is one of those customs. She doesn't know if she won? Well, shouldn't she figure that before, oh...I don't know...perhaps telling everyone that she won?! And SOME of the numbers were familiar? Well, I should hope so! After all, they ARE numbers! But I usually reserve comments like that for when I look at calculus problems. "Hey! I recognize some of those numbers!" But it rarely happens in day to day situations, much less when it comes to winning the lottery. I wonder which numbers weren't familiar?

I have no idea if this woman won or not. The whole "Some of the numbers were familiar" bit could just be a highly ineffective way of trying to throw the other possibly rightful winners off of the money trail. But she does seem a little shifty. And doesn't seem like she makes the best of decisions. (Yes, I drew that conclusion from the fact that she has seven children, isn't married and works at McDonald's. Like you didn't?) She said that she's going to the lottery office on Wednesday. Can't wait to hear how that turns out! If I had to guess, I'd go with she didn't win at all and she's just a little nuts. It is going to make for an awkward return to work if that's the case, though. Very awkward.

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Why Are You Closed?!

Well, 4th of July (ie, Independence Day) here in the States was a rousing success in my neck of the woods. Do you know how freaking good rhubarb pie is?! Neither did I! But it's delicious! So, so good. And most places were open today. Granted, there were a few that were closed. And it took me a couple of seconds to realize exactly why they were closed when I went there. At first, I kind of felt like the guy in the video below...only I wasn't crazy. Nor did I express those thoughts out loud. And like I said, it only took me a couple of seconds to figure it out. I don't know what his problem is/was. I do know that I need to go find myself some leftover rhubarb pie, though. So, if you'll excuse me....

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Why So Convincing?

You know, I would have thought that trying to get people to believe that the end of the world was coming would have been a more difficult task than it apparently was. I mean, I would have thought that it would take someone with Oprah-esque charisma to convince people of such a fairlky whack-a-doo idea. Apparently not. Apparently, all you need is some really, really old guy who is vaguely aware of his own consciousness to spew out his theories and you've got yourself the makings of a doomsday prediction that is actually taken seriously by a lot of people.

The oldster to which I refer is a one Harold Camping. He's been telling folks since 1994 that the world was going to end on May 21, 2011. He came to that particular date by using some made up mathematical formula to decipher things that he made up in the Bible. And his formula made no sense. It was something ridiculous like "Every 'thou sayeth' means fifteen" and "Always double down when talking about sin" or something equally hokey. But regardless of the unlikelihood that this guy was right, he convinced many, many people to send him money and to spread the word of the end (that never came). I figured that he must be pretty charismatic to accomplish something like that. Yeah, not so much.

Naturally, since the end of the world didn't come, he had some 'splainin' to do. His explanation to the non-Rapture and to the questions that were asked of him by reporters were less than stellar. I don't understand. He claims now that "...he was not incorrect his in math, just his interpretation about how May 21 would play out. He calls the day "an invisible Judgment." No, no! It wasn't invisible! It was non-existent! There's a different, you old coot! A HUGE difference! Why do people listen to this guy?! That makes NO sense!

Here's some more of his nonsense. One of the reporters asked him "...if he is saying that "we as humans are not capable of understanding the Bible?" Camping said yes. Then he went on to tell a Bible story about Saul. Which, I assume, that we as humans are not capable of understanding. And I'll be honest and admit that I'm not totally sure who Saul is. So that could make him kind of right on that point, but he shouldn't have told the story if that's factually the case.

Now, some of his followers gave away all of their worldly possessions in anticipation of this guy's Rapture. One guy spent his entire 401k on billboards that proclaimed the end of the world. So many other people donated a ton of money to this guy. Oh, but he doesn't plan on giving it back. No, because according to him, he didn't tell those people to do that. That was their decision. Uh-huh. And now that he's moved his date of doomsday to October 21, 2011, he was asked if he is going to give away everything that he owns on October 20. Let's see if you're surprised by this answer: "What would be the value of that?...If it's Judgment Day, it's the end of the world." Oh, for cryin' out loud!

Nothing that comes out of this guy's mouth makes any sense! And yet he has followers all over the place just throwing money at him and his Family Radio radio station. I don't get it. He appears to have the intellect of a turnip. What makes him so appealing to people? I don't get it. But I sure do wish that I could come up with some sort of a ruse like he did and not feel bad about it so that I could help all of those fools part with their money.

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Not Working Means You Don't Work

If you ask anyone other than Charlie Sheen, they will tell you that Charlie Sheen seems a little crazy these days. In fact, most folks will tell you that it sounds as if Charlie Sheen has gone completely off the rails. But they would only say that because he sounds exactly like that is what has happened. He sounds like a crazy man. And he keeps calling into various radio talk shows to try to profess that he's not a crazy man, but I really think that's doing him more harm than good at this point. Really, I think that what would help him the most is just to keep quiet for a little while and stop irritating people who pay his salary. The other thing that would help him to not look so crazy is for him to stop saying that he's going to show up for work on Monday when there is no work to show up for. Wait. What?

Correct. See, for some reason, the guys that are in charge of the gold mine that is the television show Two And A Half Men have decided to cancel the remainder of the production season. The show has already been on hiatus for a few weeks while Mr. Sheen is supposed to be trying to kick his unhealthy ways. Apparently, things like trashing hotel rooms because you think a $20,000 hooker stole your watch and going on weekend cocaine binges coupled with unlimited sex with various mattress actresses really gets the attention of your "superiors" and causes them to think that you might have "a problem". Go figure.

But the other thing that catches the attention of your "superiors" are saying things in interviews that aren't exactly complimentary to those who are in charge. Most people, in charge of anything or not, would not take kindly to being called, among other things, "...a stupid . . little man and a p***y punk." And "This contaminated little maggot can't handle my power . . . Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words." (By the way, in that first quote, the redacted part does not say 'puppy'. I thought I should throw that in there just in case you were confused as to why he would be calling someone a puppy. He wasn't. It was more of a feline insult, if you will.)

So after all of this attention getting and even after all of the times that Charlie Sheen has been saying that he doesn't have a problem with anything, the New York Post reports: "Claiming he is completely sober, actor Charlie Sheen said today he plans to show up for work despite CBS's decision yesterday to pull the plug on the top-rated comedy "Two and a Half Men" this season." OK, see, those are not the actions of a person who is completely sober. Or maybe they are, but the person is just sober AND crazy. You see, Charlie, there's no work to show up for! That's part of what they mean by they have cancelled the remainder of the season! There's no more work there. It's done. And your showing up is only going to serve to make you look crazier than you already do. Please don't show up for your non-existent job/work on Monday, Charlie. Please. I realize that the show's character was sort of written just for someone like you, but even the character wouldn't show up for work when there was no work there for him. He'd stay home. You should do the same. Stay home with one of your female porn enthusiasts and stop giving interviews that make you sound like your brain is riddled with a late stage syphillitic condition.

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The Girl Scout Scissor Stabbin' Badge

I think that we can all pretty much agree that Girl Scout cookies are freaking delicious. Just how delicious might be up to personal interpretation, but there isn't much denying that they're delicious. That they come around only once a year can be a bit stressful. You really need to ration your cookies and, more importantly, you really need to be prepared for when they are gone. Because when they are gone, that's it. They're really gone. Therefore, if you were expecting to still have some Girl Scout cookies left and found out that you suddenly had none, that could make an individual rather angry. I don't know if I could justify that it's the stabbing someone sort of angry, but angry none the less.

Let's go down to Flori-duh where this sort of crap seems to always be occurring and see what happened in the case of a one Hersha Howard. (Hersha? All right. I guess.) According to the folks over there at MSNBC, Ms. Howard noticed that her Thin Mints were gone. Eaten, if you will. She then "...confronted her sleeping roommate and accused her of eating the box of treats." Her roommate, a one Jasmin Wanke (Wanke? That's a pretty name.), told her that "... she'd given the cookies to Howard's kids, who were awake and hungry around 1 a.m." Huh. These folks seem to live a very different life than the one I currently live and the one that I grew up living. I'm sure that, as a small child, I was awake on occasion at 1 a.m. I'm also sure that I was never given Thin Mints cookies due to all of the being awake. Yeah, didn't happen. And I'm not sure why it's happening in this scenario, but I can take a guess. (Here's a hint: Responsible parenting does in no way factor into this equation.)

Well, the news of her eaten Thin Mints was apparently a bit too much for Ms. Howard to take. This is when Ms. Howard jumped on top of Ms. Wanke and began pummeling her in the face. Man, there is so much to like about this story! Oh, but wait! Did I mention that Ms. Howard is four hundred pounds? I didn't? I apologize. She's four hundred freaking pounds. It's amazing she could jump on top of anything, let alone a woman sleeping in bed. I've seen folks that appeared to be pushing the four hundred pound mark and they needed a Rascal scooter in order to become ambulatory. So I have to say that I am a little impressed that this big ol' gal was so mobile.

Now, they apparently fought on the bed for a little bit before Wanke's husband pulled Ms. Howard off of her. Wait. He's in the same bed as her and this chick just walks on in and starts asking about cookies? I don't know about you, but I'm thinking I'd prefer the man that I'm sleeping with to stop things a little bit before they got to this point. I'm thinking just a brief, "What are you doing in here?" followed by a short "Get out!" would be sufficient. But he let it get to the point where he had a four hundred pound woman in his bed on top of his wife. If it weren't for the four hundred pounds, it sounds like most guys' fantasy.

Ms. Wanke fled and Ms. Howard took off after her. Again, incredibly mobile for such a behemoth giant woman. She allegedly grabbed a pair of scissors and threatened to kill Ms. Wanke over the now consumed delicious Thin Mints. And like I said, I know that Thin Mints are good. They're really good. But are they scissor stabbin' good? I don't know about that. Then again, I don't know how good I'd really be at stabbing someone. I can barely get that little straw into the Capri Sun.

Ms. Howard chased Ms. Wanke down the stairs. That is when she dropped the scissors and picked up a board of some sort and struck Ms. Wanke with that. What sort of folks are these that they're feeding Thin Mints to their children at 1 a.m. and that they also have random pieces of lumber lying about? I'm also guessing that if a four hundred pound anything hits you with a board, that's going to leave quite a mark.

From there it was into the kitchen (a shocking locale for a four hundred pound individual to end up) where more fighting occurred and the husband had to separate the two of them once more. This husband is getting quite the workout. And to think he was just rudely awakened only moments ago! I don't know that I'd have it in me to do all of that right after I woke up. I'm not a morning person. Granted, this was the middle of the night, but I still wouldn't feel up to all of the running and separating and tackling that was taking place.

Following that separation, Ms. Wanke ran outside and was, naturally, followed by Ms. Howard. This time, Ms. Howard picked up some sort of a sign and wailed on Ms. Wanke with that for a while until she was tackled by Ms. Wanke's husband. That had to have been amusing. Some four hundred pound, completely enraged, cookieless woman, beating down on her roommate with an undefined sign when she is tackled by the "man" of the house. It sounds like a pretty awesome cartoon, actually. I'm picturing something like Foghorn Leghorn getting tackled by that little chick that said he was a chicken hawk. It sounds like it would be just about as effective.

Wow. Clearly as evidenced by the several different pieces of weaponry that this nutjob wielded against the perpetrator of her apparently beloved Thin Mints, this woman definitely has a certain level of enthusiasm for her snacks. It really might be unmatched by any I've heard of up until this point. (And I have a friend who practically covets the Cadbury Mini Eggs. She has them sent to her from out of town if they first appear in cities other than her own. But I don't think that she'd go after someone with a pair of scissors if they took her Cadbury Mini Eggs. She might give them a good hearty shove to get them away; I think I could see that happening pretty easily. But stabbing? Not really.)

Ms. Howard ended up going to jail and being booked. I'm guessing she could be there for a while, as it's entirely possible she could get stuck in that cell. Perhaps during her downtime in the pokey, she might try to learn some new problem solving skills. Maybe even some new negotiation tactics. Hopefully, none of them will involve scissors, boards or outdoor signs. Then again, I'm pretty sure that you can't teach a four hundred pound Thin Mint fanatic new tricks.

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This Is Why He Did It

I think people can finally stop trying to "figure out" what made Jared Lee Loughner shoot all of those people down in Arizona the other day. People can stop wondering if it was the right or the left or the Tea Party or (in the most ridiculous of all wonderings) Sarah freaking Palin. People can stop wondering if it was talk radio or cable news or the Internet. Yes, people can stop wondering all of those things. You know why? Because today his mug shot was released. Ready? Behold!

There you go. That is the face of a crazy person. That is a person with a severe mental illness (most likely schizophrenia). You want to know why he did what he did? It's because he's crazy. You know why that might not make sense to you? Because it's crazy, that is correct. There isn't some deep seeded explanation behind all of this. I think it was Dick Armey who said in regards to this particular instance, something to the effect of "We have to make sure that we call in the right department on this one. We don't need the political science department or the sociology department. We need the psychology department." He's exactly right. (And if he didn't say it, whoever did is exactly right.) That is the face of a crazy man. And there's never anything that anyone can do to protect themselves from the unpredictable actions of the crazy. It's sad, but it's true.

There are some things that just won't ever make sense. This is likely one of them unless you can accept the fact (and a lot of people can't) that the man is crazy and not look for anything other than that. I don't know why so many people are unsatisfied with someone being crazy as a rationale for their actions. It makes perfect sense to me. It also makes things a lot easier. I hate looking for answers that aren't there. It's pointless, because why? Because they aren't there, that is correct.

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The Media Still Sucks

Today, some asshat decided to get all shooty down there in Arizona and shoot a bunch of people, including Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, Federal Judge John Moll and a 9-year old child. The suspect, a one 22-year old Jared Lee Loughner, is now in custody. I have already heard my share of comments to the effect of "We don't yet know what motivated the shooter". I really don't like it when statements like that are thrown into the mix of reporting for various reasons. One, I'm not really sure, at the point, that it matters what may have "motivated" someone to go to a public event and start shooting people. And two, the most obvious and likely answer to the question of "Why?" is that there is obviously some sort of mental illness afoot. You can't tell me that, whether previously identified or not, whether previously treated or not, that someone who goes to a public event and shoots a bunch of people doesn't have just a touch of mental illness going on. And even if you think that this might be the exception to the rule (which, by the way, would make you such a softhead that I think that you should stop reading this right now and go buy yourself and industrial strength helmet for your soft, soft dome), what say you check out Shooty McShooterson's YouTube page and get back to me with your assessment of his mental stability.

Naturally, the media is practically soiling themselves over all of this news that they suddenly have to cover. It's just unfortunate that they suck so badly at it. And while they don't see the consequences of their suckage at non-critical moments in news coverage, there are quite obvious consequences to their suckage at critical moments in breaking news coverage. I am specifically calling out CNN, Reuters and NPR. I am vaguely calling out all of the others who participated in the same irresponsible acts that CNN, Reuters and NPR did. All of these news stations, with their rush to be the "first" to report, had reported that Rep. Giffords had died. She, in fact, has not died. She, in fact, was shot in the head (yes, I realize that isn't good, but if she's still alive, you can't say that she's dead) and made it through surgery and is in critical condition. That's not dead. (Her neurosurgeon said that he is "optimistic" that she will recover. I don't know what that means, but I do know that it means she still isn't dead.)

What is wrong with you, CNN, Reuters, NPR and others?! You are supposed to be news outlets. You're supposed to report the news, you jackwagons. What does that say about you when you report utter crap that just isn't true? It says that you suck at your job and, while I don't often call for people to lose their jobs, whoever it was that gave the go-ahead to say that someone was dead when she wasn't should lose their job, as they are obviously completely incompetent and incapable of performing at the level needed when the pressure is on. Do you know how many people, including those who know Rep. Giffords, could have been watching any of your crap news sources and heard that she had died? Of course you do! That's why you reported it! Can you imagine the grief that was caused by your irresponsible actions, probably due to wanting to get the story out there first? Of course you don't! That's why you reported it! At the risk of sounding like someone's grandmother, you really should be ashamed of yourselves.

You know what all of this means, don't you? I fear it means that the days of public access to those who represent the people who should be able to have access them are gone. Because if there are two things that the government does well, they are nothing and overreact. I fear the end of those town hall meetings that had gathered so much steam six months ago. I fear the end of any sort of elected official ever poking their head out in public again. (I also fear an overabundance of crappy news reporting on this story over the next few days, but that's a little off the point I was trying to make here.) Way to go, assclown.

In conclusion, The New York Post (while getting their facts straight in not incorrectly reporting that anyone had died, still can't manage to get the name of Gabrielle Giffords father correct, even though they have the SAME last name. Seriously, who edits stuff anymore? Anyone? How can you get his name WRONG? It's the freaking SAME!) reported that "The congresswoman’s father Spencer Gifford, 75, was rushing to the hospital when asked if his 40-year-old daughter had any enemies. "Yeah," he told The Post. "The whole Tea Party." OK, now I'm going to give the man a pass on that comment, as his daughter had just been shot in the head. I have nothing bad to say about that man and his statement at all. But I would like to point out that the Tea Party doesn't want to shoot Congresswomen in the head. The Tea Party does not want to shoot and kill Federal judges, nor does the Tea Party want to shoot and kill small children. The Tea Party merely wants less spending and lower taxes. See? No shooting involved at all in that statement. This isn't a Tea Party thing. This is a whack-a-do thing. Please remember that. Please encourage others to remember that. One crazy person does not necessarily define an entire organization. (Oh, and President Barry isn't a Muslim, either. I figured I'd just throw that one in there again. As long I'm encouraging people to speak the truth, it can't hurt to remind folks of that just one more time.)

I pray for all of the victims and all of their families to find the strength and the courage to make it through this. (See? I don't have to mock everything.)

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A Trial Won't Help The Crazy

From the fine folks over there at the NY Times, we learn of a one David Tarloff and his trials and tribulations. Mr. Tarloff is schizophrenic. That was evidenced no more clearly than back in 2008 when he killed his psychologist, a one Dr. Kathryn Faughey, by hacking her to death in her office. In what would seem to shock no one, Mr. Tarloff was deemed unfit to stand trial.

The article states that "This was the second time Mr. Tarloff, who has a history of psychosis, was declared unfit for trial since his arrest." Really? History of psychosis? You don't say. Was that figured out before or after all of the hacking that went on? I'm guessing that afterwards it was probably really clear if it hadn't been beforehand. In fact, after all of the slashing "His lawyers had told the court that...he was driven to it by voices that he thought were God telling him to do it." I see. So, what is it that is the problem here?

Well, last year "...doctors determined that Mr. Tarloff was in a good enough mental state to stand trial, and so the case proceeded and opening statements were expected Monday." Is that our standard now? A "good enough" mental state? Not great. Good enough. Look, I'm all for putting people on trial who are completely competent, but when you're dealing with schizophrenia, you might just want to hold off a little bit. Good enough might not actually be good enough, you know?

By the way, the reason that they declared him unfit for his trial this time? He "...refused to leave his holding cell to go to court for jury selection on Friday afternoon." That's it? He doesn't want to go into court and so that makes him unfit? Why is that? The article explains that "Someone is declared unfit when he or she is mentally unable to assist in his or her own defense." Sooo...not going into court is unable to assist in their own defense? Since when? If you're so hell bent on putting this obviously crazy individual on trial, what say you just haul his ass in there anyway and see how it goes, alright? How bad could it be? He's nuts, after all. His contribution will likely be minimal. (It will also likely be entertaining as hell, but I'm told that's not what the justice system is for.)

Look, it's pretty obvious that this guy is fruit loops. He needs a mental institution...for a long, long time. No need to rush things. It's not like he's going anywhere. But I certainly don't see any point in trying to hurry along a trial for a guy who really needs some serious head shrinking. It's just a waste of everyone's time. He did it. We know he did it. Is the trial really all that necessary when that conclusion is completely obvious? I'm not so sure that it is.

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Slightly Psychotic Stump Speech

I realize that when you want to be nominated to run for a public office that you sort of have to make yourself stand out in certain ways. Try and make it a way that's not crazy. Take this Phil Davison fellow for a moment, won't you? He wanted to be nominated to be the Republican candidate for the Stark County Treasurer in Stark County (surprise), Ohio. Below is his stump speech that he gave. And, um...well...it's hard to know where to go from here. Actually, I might not have to go anywhere. He might just take it home for us by himself. Let's see.

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Hmm. Yeah. Are we sure that this was Stark County and not Stark Raving Mad County? Seriously, there's not much more I can do with that. He pretty much did my work for me. I do believe that he confused "passion" with "psychosis" and "needing medication". I like it when he says "We're tired of business as usual!" He's far from usual, I'll give him that! Who was his adviser? Mel Gibson? Good Lord, sir. How does he keep that up for a full six minutes without having a stroke? He's pacing around like a lion in a cage with this crazed look in his glazed over eyes. Wow, wow, wow.

You know who he sounds just like? Chris Farley in the SNL skit where he is a motivational speaker and loudly states, "First off...I am 34-years old....I am divorced....And I live in a van...down by the river!" If you're unfamiliar, good luck at finding the video anywhere online other than at NBC because they are rather protective about having any of their stuff out there where they don't have control over it. If you're just interested in just the audio of the late, great Chris Farley doing his motivational speaker gig (you know, for comparative purposes), it can be found here. So, tell your friends, tell your neighbors and tell Randy Gonzalez.

By the way, I'm sure you will be shocked, simply shocked, to learn that he did not receive the nomination that he was looking for. Go figure.

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