The Human Nunchucks of Crime

I know it's still just January, but I'm pretty sure I have a winner for Dumbest Criminals of the Year. It's an instance of life imitating the Three Stooges, except there were only two of them. It's a glaring example of how important it is to really think things through before you do them and, more importantly in this case, while you're doing them. And it also goes to show that criminals always seem to think that they're smarter than they really are.

From the charming folks across the pond at The Telegraph we are taken to New Zealand where this tale unfolds. It's the tale of two criminal morons. A one Regan Reti, age 20, and a one Tiranara White, age 21. (Tiranara? Got yourself some NFL aspirations there, do you?) Aww...so young and so dumb. Shame. Anyway, these two Einsteins were at the Hastings District Court on New Zealand's North Island. (Why they feel the need to get overly detailed with the location is beyond me. I don't know where the North Island of New Zealand is and I'm not looking it up, either. I can get the full effect of the story without knowing that. "Outside" would have been a fine description for me.) They were apparently leaving the courthouse after Reti had just been "...sent to prison for more than two years after being convicted of assault" and White had been "...in custody for allegedly stealing a car and violating his parole conditions." Clearly not the brightest bulbs on the tree, those two.

And due to their combined dimness, the pair decided to make a break for it and run. Did I mention that they were chained together? Yeah, they were. Handcuffed together. Now, picture Larry and Curly or Moe or even Shemp in this situation. They're handcuffed together, they're running from the police, they're in public and obstacles abound. But what they forget is that they are not going to be defying the physical properties of the handcuffs, no matter how fast they run. No will they be able to escape from their latest arch nemesis, The Pole.

According to a one Sergeant Greig, "As they were being led from the Hastings police cells ... they made a bolt for freedom. They fell over and they were sprayed with pepper spray. But they got up and ran out of the court onto the street, across the road to a car park. That's where they met the pole – it was all over, Rover." I love the New Zealander police! It was all over, Rover. Excellent color commentary, my dear man. Simply excellent.

He's right about Rover, though. It was all over. They slammed into that pole, one numbnut on one side of it and the other numbnut on the opposite side and when the chain hit as they were running at full speed, hilarity did ensue. They flew around that pole in opposite directions like human nunchucks. Add some Three Stooges-esque sound effects and some popcorn and you've got yourself a very entertaining 45 seconds or so. One New Zealand news station reported that "it was one of the worst escape attempts ever seen." I'd have to agree.

Ah, stupidity. It really is the most effective tool in the arsenal in the fight against crime. The video is below. I highly recommend giving it a gander. It's good stuff.

And if you don't feel like you've had your share of people chained together trying to escape from custody, you're in luck because morons who get themselves arrested and try this stunt are abundant! (Apparently. Who knew?) Over there at TRUtv (via that link) they have a video of what they are billing as "The Worst Jail Break Ever" and I'd have to agree with them. Now those Crazy Canucks (they're attempting this feat in Ontario) that tried escaping in that instance had the full cast for a Three Stooges re-enactment. That's right. Not one. Not two. But three. Three morons! All chained together like Idiots on Display! Their nemesis? That tireless combatant of evil and defender of justice, The Pole!

After watching that video, it had me wondering if there was some sort of underground society of moronic criminals where they sit around (probably chained together) and give each other bad advice because the exact same thing happened to these three jokers as it did to the mates down there in New Zealand. Run, run, run. Spread out right before y'all reach the pole. Run your chain into the pole at full speed. Fly around the pole a bit before crashing into each other and falling to the ground. Ah, yes. An afternoon cartoon at its finest.

The cop that untangled them from each other (and the pole) said it best when he told them, "You also have the right to remain stupid." They apparently opted in. Enjoy prison, dumbasses. Be wary of any large metal objects firmly cemented into the ground, especially if you're running with another human being chained to you at the time.

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Private Primates In Public

You have to love it when you read news in the UK media about animals escaping from their cages in US zoos. Ah, who am I kidding? You have to love it when you read anything in the UK media. It's so straightforward and blunt that you have no other choice than to come to the logical conclusion that is just looming over the story.

From the fine folks across the pond at The Telegraph, we learn that Bruno, a 29-year-old male orangutan managed to make a hole in the wire fencing of his cage at the L.A. Zoo and escape on Saturday evening. Bruno meandered about the zoo for approximately 20 minutes while 3,000 visitors were "shepherded toward the front exits." OK, are you thinking what I'm thinking? 3,000 people at the freaking ZOO? Holy cow. (Are there cows at zoos? I can't remember. But they do herd cows in a similar fashion.)

The staff at the zoo said that Bruno never made it to the "public areas and that he was quickly sedated by his keepers." Um, I don't know what the zoo staff considers to be the "public areas" of the zoo, but for me "out of the cage" qualifies as being in a "public area." Are they trying to say that Bruno only roamed through the private areas of the zoo? Is there some sort of elitist primate section of the LA Zoo that us lay folk are unaware of? They're "shepherding" people, the ape is loose, but no need to worry, the public areas are safe. I'm not buying it. If you have an orangutan out of it's cage at the zoo (in Los Angeles no less!), you really do have a situation on yours hands.

According to the zoo promotions coordinator, Gina Dart, "He was calm and responded well to the staff. He was never aggressive." Responded well to the staff? Well, all except that part about "stay in your cage at all times, Bruno." Yeah, he had a little trouble with that.

According to the LA Times, once Bruno was out of his cage he didn't try to flee, but instead he "hid in an area behind his pen." See? He was just messin' with them. He knows what side of the cage his bananas come from. Or something like that. And it was when he was behind the cage (in what had to have been the worst game of Primate v. Man Hide and Go Seek ever) when one of the zookeepers spotted him.

Zoo director John Lewis said that Bruno "was easily sedated because, like the other five orangutans at the facility, had been trained to allow his keepers to administer medicine." And while all of that is fine and good, perhaps he should have been trained to stay in the damned cage! Mr Lewis said, "Fortunately all of our great apes, the staff trained them to allow medical procedures, so the keeper actually put him through his behaviors, and he allowed her to hand inject him with anaesthetic and went right to sleep. Then they carried him to his bedroom, and it was all over in about 20 minutes," he added.

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad they didn't just let Bruno have free run of the place like they kind of did in December last year when a tiger got out of it's pen at the SF Zoo. But really, the whole zoo/tiger incident was totally different. I mean, the tiger didn't really make a hole in anything to escape. She didn't need to. The enclosure that Tatiana the tiger was in was about 4 feet shorter than what is regulated. (Granted, the zoo had gone through many inspections and no one told them it was too short until the tiger jumped out and ate someone, so it's hard to put all of the blame on the zoo.) So while they have cages at the LA Zoo, in the case of the tiger at the SF Zoo, it would seem that they had been kind of on the honor system. Basically, there was what amounted to a curb between Tatiana and the visitors and the zoo thought that the tiger would honor their agreement. Two wounded visitors and one eaten visitor later, they realized they were wrong.

So thanks for getting the orangutan back in his cage there, fellas. We like it when wild beasts in the city aren't quite so wild.

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