Help Out Japan

Hey. Japan is effed up right now. Fortunately, this time it wasn't caused by the US out of retaliation for an ill advised sneak attack at the beginning of a World War. But that's really not much of a consolation when your island country has been struck by an earthquake which has now been measured at a whopping 9.0 on the Richter Scale. And they're still being constantly bombarded with aftershocks that are between 5.0 and 7.0. Those are aftershocks. If an earthquake of that size hit anywhere in the US, it is all that would be talked about on the news. That is a HUGE quake. And the Japanese are experiencing multitudes of those huge quakes almost constantly right now. And as if the earthquake wasn't enough, there was a massive tsunami which only made things a bazillion times worse. I don't get that. It's like pouring salt in the wound. Is it necessary? I guess it is, but it's definitely rude on the part of Mother Nature or whoever is in charge of this sort of thing.

You know what I find interesting about this disaster in particular? The people of Japan have had their lives ruined in the blink of an eye. (Well, two blinks. The first blink was the earthquake and the second blink was the tsunami.) And you know what makes this disaster different from other ones that have happened in recent memory? There's no looting. There's no despicable behavior like that. I'm impressed. It's a sociological phenomenon that should be studied. No looting. Amazing. Way to go, Japan. And as you know, I'm not one for a lot of compassion. That's why, when these disasters strike, as soon as the looting begins, that's when my compassion goes away. If people have the energy to break the glass on store windows and haul out big screen TVs and 57 pairs of Nike shoes, I figure that they can use that energy to help themselves and that I really shouldn't interfere. Not to mention that I lose a lot of respect for anyone like that.

But not in this case. In this case, these people need help and they're deserving of it. (Please don't judge me based on that sentence. You know what I mean.) And it is rare that I ever advocate just giving away your money, but in this case, I'm going to suggest that if you can spare a few bucks, that you donate it to the American Red Cross so that they can get some help out to Japan. If you're not a fan of the American Red Cross (even though I cannot imagine why you wouldn't be), then donate some to an organization that you feel would be of assistance in helping out the people in Japan. Just do something if you can. You'd want someone to help you out, wouldn't you?

Sphere: Related Content

A Man's Love For His Toys

There's a lot of sadness in today's tale. After all, what would you do if you found out that your mother had gotten rid of that which you had considered to be your life partner and you realized that you would have to go the rest of your life without that partner? Would you burn down your family's home in an attempt to kill yourself? Would you answer these questions differently if your life partner was a toy? Wait. A...toy?

Correct. A toy. What we have here is the story of a Japanese gentleman, a one 30-year old Yoshifumi Takabe. According to the Australian Broadcasting Company, Mr. Takabe and his possessions had been living with his mother. His possessions apparently included enough of his toy robot figures to fill 300 boxes to the ceiling. Now, I'm sure you're thinking that might be a little strange, but they weren't just any toy robots. No, they were "...robot toys were figures from the Gundam animated TV series, which started in the 1970s, about space wars involving giant robots." I'm sure that has you thinking just a little bit differently about him, doesn't it? (Hey, I didn't say it was for the better. I just said it was different!)

I'm all for a collection of vintage toys. (Are the 1970s considered vintage? For the sake of this argument, let's say that they are. I think it might kind of help our impression of Mr. Takabe just a shred. Or not.) But 300 boxes stacked to the ceiling? That's an awful lot of robot toys. What was the show again? Gundam? It's gotta be a Japanese thing, right? Well, even if it's not, it's definitely a Mr. Takabe thing.

This story continues with Mr. Takabe's mother throwing out some of the toys. While I understand her not being overly thrilled (or able to move) in a home with 300 boxes of robot toys, throwing out only some of them seems rather passive-aggressive if you're asking me. It's not like throwing out a box or two is going to make a dent in the enormous collection that has been amassed. She must not have known that Mr. Takabe would become "...suicidal after losing the figures" because he said they "...were partners he wanted to spend his life with." Hmm.

You know, as odd as that sounds, perhaps Mr. Takabe was simply a realist. I'm guessing that with the 300 boxes of robot toys, he was thoroughly immersed in the ways and culture of the un-layable. The toys might have been the perfect mates for him. Polygamy toy heaven. Or something like that.

Not able to deal with the prospect of living without some of his toys, Mr. Takabe set the family home on fire because "...he wanted to die with his robots in the fire." OK, then. If someone wants to die in a fire, there's really only one requirement. That would be to stay in where the fire is at. Apparently, Mr. Takabe wasn't real clear on that concept, as he managed to escape the fire unscathed.

He appeared in court and pled guilty to burning down his house and, presumably, the rest of his toys. Isn't he going to be a little devastated at this point? I mean, talk about overreacting? At least before, he had some toys and a place to live. Now he has no toys and, well, I guess he kind of has a place to live. Jail is definitely a place to live. Man, and he thought he wanted to die before. I'm guessing he won't think that he had it so bad after a little time in a Japanese jail. Then again, perhaps he could meet himself a different sort of life partner, now that his toys are gone.

Sphere: Related Content

Yum, Yum, Yum, Here Comes the Sun

Well, well, well, Japan. You've certainly created an interesting situation over there for yourself now, haven't you? I'd say that you have! You go off and elect yourself a new prime minister and you think everything is just fine and then you think, "Hey....I wonder what that guy's wife is like?" And that's when you find out she's been to Venus on a UFO and eats the sun each morning. Japan, you elected her husband, who chose to marry her, as your new leader. Wait. We did what? What now?

Japan, you have a new prime minister in one Yukio Hatoyama. From what I can tell, he's like the Barack Obama of Japan. Changey McOptimism. Yep, sounds to me like y'all wanted yourself some change and hoo-boy did you ever get some change!

Your new leader is married to a one Miyuki Hatoyama, making her your new first lady. On September 16, she will step into her new role, one that The Guardian describes as being "that of pedlar of new age bunkum." You know, I think Michelle Obama briefly considering being a "pedlar of new age bunkum" but I think she decided to plant that vegetable garden instead. It's easier to explain a zucchini growing in the East Lawn than it is to explain how you ended up on Venus. Allegedly.

Mrs. Hatoyama (I'm assuming that's her official title; do forgive me if it's not) has told of one of her morning rituals when she told the media, "I eat the sun. Like this:" And this is where she reaches her arms up and simulates what I envision to be picking fruit off of a tree, only she is picking pieces of the sun. "Yum, yum, yum. It gives me enormous energy. My husband has recently started doing that too." Somehow, I can't imagine President Barry and Michelle snacking on the sun first thing in the morning or while out walking Bo. But wait. Um, your husband has started this sun snacking of yours? Your husband who is the new prime minister of Japan? You're telling us that he's a sun snacker? Oh, boy. Care to share anything else with us, Mrs. First Lady of the Asylum?

Apparently this woman also writes cookbooks and titles them in such a way that you'll be sure to know what you're getting when you pick up, for example, Hatoyama Miyuki's Hawaiian Spiritual Food. Granted, while you know that you'll be getting a book about Hawaiian spiritual food, you likely won't have any idea what in the hell Hawaiian spiritual food is, but at least you won't be blindsided. Again, according to The Guardian "She makes her own clothes (including a skirt made from hemp coffee bags)." Well, that sounds simply lovely. I'm sure it's a best seller over in Columbia. Also, "...as she demonstrated during the election campaign, can also do a very passable Moonwalk." "Passable" meaning...what...exactly? Will we really think she's on the moon? From what I can tell so far, she won't have to moonwalk in order for us to believe that she's on another planet.

Speaking of her books, her book that is really drawing some attention lately is "Very Strange Things I've Encountered." I'm guessing Chapter One is about herself? That sounds like a really good place to start if you're asking me! But it's in this book that she claims "...she was abducted by aliens as she slept one night 20 years ago, then whisked off to the final frontier." Uh-huh. I'm afraid I'm going to need a few more details before declaring you a complete nutjob. "While my body was asleep, I think my soul rode on a triangular-shaped UFO and went to Venus. It was a very beautiful place, and it was very green." There. That should do it.

It was very green? On Venus? How did she know that she was on Venus? Maybe she was whisked off to Al Gore's house, she doesn't know! Oh, but she thinks that she does know. She was married once before (shocking, I know!) and when she told Husband Number One about her Venusian travels, he told her that she had probably been dreaming. Husband Number One seems rational, so it's no wonder that they're divorced. But her current husband, the prime minister of Japan (whose nickname is "the Alien" due to his "...sometimes otherworldly manner and an unkind reference to his prominent eyes." Does he have prominent eyes, you ask? Let's see. Behold!

OK, then. Fair enough. Where was I? Oh, right! Her trip to Venus and her husband's reaction. When she told the man who is now the prime minister of Japan that she had traveled to Venus via triangular shaped UFO, he was much more accommodating that Husband Number One and simply has the "Oh, that's great" attitude about the whole thing. I guess "Oh, that's great" is the Japanese equivalent of the American "Yes, dear." I wonder if he'd have the same attitude upon hearing of how "...she had met Tom Cruise in a previous life."

Tom....Cruise? Tom from The Couch?

Yes. Tom Cruise. He was Japanese in that life, you know. Actually, I'm being rather sarcastic, as Tom Cruise is no more Japanese in this or any other life than he was Japanese in that Last Samurai movie or whatever that was. And Mrs. Cuckoo Bird First Lady seems to think that if she were to meet Tom Cruise in this current like that he "...would recognise me when I see him and say: 'Long time, no see!' I'm not quite convinced that he's going to say exactly that after hearing about how you think he was a Japanese acquaintance of yours in a previous life. He might say "Security!"

Her husband, the newly elected prime minister of Japan, says that his wife is "like an energy-refuelling base." Hey! Wait a minute! I thought that the sun gave you your energy?! You know! The sun that you snack on every morning whilst muttering "yum, yum, yum" or something to that effect? Yes! THAT sun! He's really going to need to narrow down where his source of energy is. Is it the sun or is it his wife? Any administration really needs consistency to thrive.

I find it a little odd that Mr. Hatoyama is so OK with all of this. Then again, maybe she threatened to cast some sort of outer space, Venusian curse on him if he said anything. Then he'd end up looking like the Great Gazoo or something. I can't help but feeling a little bit jealous and an awful lot disappointed at the same time. This would be a great scandal/controversy/whatever here in the US. Can you imagine? People are freaking out over health care and President Barry talking to the kids about staying in school. What in the heck would happen if they got wind of Michelle eating the sun "yum, yum, yum" every morning for breakfast?! They'd forget all about President Barry being a secret Muslim, that's for sure!

Sphere: Related Content

Will You Have Cream Cheese With Your Forehead?

There's a reason for my metaphoric walled off compound. It keeps the idiots away. Granted, it also tends to make it difficult to weed out the sane folks (because my theory is "assume they're all crazy right from the start and let them prove you wrong later"), but the truly sane will eventually rise to the level of my putting down the drawbridge that enables them to cross the moat. I realize it might sound a bit extreme and all, but my rationale is completely reasonable: People are morons. And they're getting more moronic by the minute. At least once a day I think "What in the hell is wrong with you people?" about something. Usually Congress, but regular (or not so much) folk as well.

I uttered those very words today when I read about a new fad that's HUGE in Japan right now. Brace yourselves (and pray that it doesn't start showing up here) for the invasion of the Bagelheads. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? That would be the latest 'craze' over yonder in Japan. Please note that the word "crazy" is derived from the word "craze". Or maybe it's the other way around. Whichever it is, it means the same thing if you're participating in all of the Bagelheading. It means you're nuts.

This little craze is explained over at Bizarre Magazine, and I cannot think of a more appropriate outlet to cover this story. The technique is called "body inflation". Now, I thought that was something that just happened to folks during the holidays, but sadly, in Japan, it is not. "Body inflation" involves injecting saline underneath the skin until it swells into a large protrusion that resembles a bagel. Somehow, by pressing on the "inflation" you can manage to form an indentation that will stay there. (Why it doesn't just inflate right out again is beyond me. And really, this whole thing was so completely disgusting to me that I had difficulty reading about it so I could figure out what the hell was going on. Needless to say that I won't be embarking on any long and extended fact finding missions anytime soon.) And after it's properly indented then you will have achieved your desired look - that of someone with a bagel growing inside of them. Behold!

Why a bagel? Why not toast or a muffin? Just wondering. It wouldn't matter if it were to look like a piece of toast or a muffin because just looking at that makes me want to chunder. That's absolutely disgusting. Oh, but it doesn't stop there! No, it gets worse! Behold! Worse!

Seriously, this is not the doing of a completely sane individual. You have to have a touch of mental illness of some sort to do something like that. And while not all mental illness is horrifyingly bad, I certainly can't say that this is good. Look at it! Behold!

Ugh. According to a one Ryoichi ‘Keroppy’ Maeda who has been covering the "body modification scene" since 1992, the reasons that people have for doing this are because "...saline infusion is a gradual process and you become a freak progressively. That’s the joy of it. You can enjoy watching it by having a few drinks and gradually seeing a transformation, but if you’re looking all the time, you can’t see the difference. If you meander off and come back, it’s a real surprise.” Yeah, it's going to take more than "a few drinks" for me to do something like that. And as far as the "real surprise", YES! I would imagine it WOULD be a bit of a "surprise" to see a bagel growing out of one's FOREHEAD, when just a few hours ago NO bagels were there! He insists that "It’s not dangerous, though. It’s just water – there are no scars. It’s a dull pain and sometimes you might get a headache, but it doesn’t last forever." Dull pain. Headache. Sounds like great fun! Usually I wait until the next day when my hangover sets in before I go for the dull pain and a headache, but not these folks. AND they're paying for it!

But even though it isn't dangerous "...some people who’ve done it regularly have found their skin has permanently expanded." You think?!?! Shocking. Blowing up your body parts to have it appear as if the Keebler elves have abandoned their hollow tree and have taken up residence in your noggin and began cranking out their snacks when something got stuck somewhere and you ended up looking like a freak of nature. Behold!

It's just not normal. I don't care how not "dangerous" it is. But people continue to do them because, according to BMEzine.com founder Shannon Larratt "It’s a play activity, and not a permanent body modification – though doing it regularly on your testicles can permanently stretch the scrotum."

::: blink ::: ::: blink :::

I'm not even going to ASK how he knows that. I'm just going to let it go. Lettin' it go!

Back to the safety issues, he added, "It’s safe if the person follows basic sterility control and cleanliness issues – but if they don’t, it can be dangerous. An infection trapped inside the scrotum can be life-threatening." I SAID LETTING GO!! I'm trying to let go, but once again, there's the scrotum popping up and making a mess out of everything. (Damn scrotum. I don't know how you guys walk around with those things down there.) But I would imagine that ANYTHING that is "trapped" inside of a "scrotum" would pose a challenge. Look, the male reproductive organ isn't exactly aesthetically pleasing or anything, so I can only imagine it looks like something straight out of an alien horror movie if it has testicles that look like bagels. (Yeah, that'll get you laid, fellas. You betcha.)

As if this wasn't bizarre enough, you can customize your head bagel! There are colors! Thank GOD I don't have any pictures of the colored Bagelheads. Mr. Larratt there says that "An interesting variation is using food colouring in the saline, which discolours the inflated tissue." Lovely. Discolored tissue. Yes, it's all coming back to me now. Didn't gangrene discolor the tissue as well? Funny though, I don't remember it being so much of a "craze", really.


You know what Japan is? They're the Florida of Earth. After all, they're the same folks who gave us Hello Kitty. And now? This. The Bagelheads. I think I've made myself clear.

Sphere: Related Content

Freedom From Constrictive Japanese Underwear

Sometimes you hear about a product that is allegedly really popular and you almost start to wonder if you need one yourself. Then you hear that the product is selling like crazy in Japan and that's when you no longer wonder if you need one for yourself. That's when you know that you do not.

That's because for some reason, the folks in Japan go absolutely ape dung over anything that is a) slightly unusual or b) really freaking bizarre. They have this gift of being able to convince themselves that they really need the unnecessary item that is being hawked as the greatest thing next to sliced bread. (And really, the greatest thing next to sliced bread is some sliced cheese. Put that cheese on that bread its next to and what's not to love right there?) And this item is no exception to that rule...er, gift...um...whatever it is that they do.

According to the worldly reporting folks over there at Reuters-UK, there is a product in Japan that is making a comeback and is being touted as "The latest in women's liberation." For cryin' out loud, are we still being liberated? Didn't we do that already? Are we doing it again, because if we are, I didn't get that memo. So what is this comeback product that could liberate us once and for all? Well, if you're going to believe the folks in Japan who claim that their product will liberate women by allowing them "to ditch tight-fit underwear." That's right ladies. Step right up and get your loincloths here. Wait. What?

Loincloths, cloths for the loin, that is correct. Who do they think we are? Wilma Flintstone? Are they kidding? They are not. Japanese lingerie maker Wacoal is claiming that the loincloth is making a comeback. And to that I have to ask, coming back from where? When was it that the women's loincloth was stylish and "in" and when did it go "out" so that it could make it's narrowly anticipated 2009 comeback? Let's see, the 70s were bell bottom, the 80s were big hair, the 90s....the 90s must have sucked because all I can recall are drunken college parties and the Clintons. Odd. Regardless, please note the absence of any mention of 'loincloth' during my stroll down memory lane there.

Wacoal claims the loincloth allows women to ditch the tight fitting underwear. Hey, here's another way to ditch that tight fitting underwear: Get some underwear that isn't so tight! What is so complicated about that?! If you have tight underwear, are you constantly pondering what to do about it as you make repeated, but futile attempts to loosen your undergarments as to allow your nether regions to breathe? I don't think you are. I think you're either buying new underwear or you're going commando. I don't think you find yourself watching an episode of The Flintstones and being jealous that Wilma and Betty are so unrestricted in their groinal movements.

The loincloth is known as fundoshi and was "...the traditional underwear for adult males in old times." Oh, well, nothing will sell your product to women like telling them that it used to be worn by men in old times. Yep, Wacoal seems to think that'll do it as they're "...expecting strong summer demand from women who want more freedom of movement."

Are Japanese women really all that encumbered by their current selection of underwear that their movement is hindered? Really? Is their underwear made out of wood? Lead? Why are they wearing it in the first place? (Hmmm...I've noticed that whenever I'm wearing my oaken pantaloons that I cannot move freely about and my abdomen feels as if it is tightly constricted. I will need more of these immediately to wear all the time!) It doesn't make any sense!

When asked her opinion, one customer responded, "It's easy to wear and quite nice." (Pssst! So is underwear that fits!!) "It's also good for summer and since it's getting warmer, I figured it'd be good for that." Easy to wear? So now you're telling me that their underwear before was tight, restricted movement AND was complicated?! Now along comes summer and that really throws a wrench into the mix. (Not a real wrench! Though the way that they make it sound, it wouldn't surprise me if that was part of the encumberments and complications. A wrench in your panties is surely not the way to start your day.) You'd think that the unacceptable undergarments of yore that the Japanese women have been suffering with were made out of Gortex or flannel or fur or fur-lined Gortex flannel! Why are your loins so warm, madam?!

The report goes on to say that the loincloth will "....emancipate women from the tightness of conventional underwear, which often use rubber and wires, as well as the hassles of finding the right size." Rubber and wires?! Are they buying this underwear at Gitmo?! I've never thought of buying underwear as a "hassle". I'm not a fan of shopping, but really, buying new underwear isn't that much of a chore. (It's rather pleasurable if the need for new underwear is due to having previous underwear...say....pleasurably ripped from your body. I'll go shopping for underwear every day if that's the reason for it!)

A one Tomoka Okamura, the Merchandise Director for "Nanafun" Brand Loincloth Underwear explained their reasoning for the loincloth product as, "We wanted young women to have more sense of freedom and release. As we tried to come up with the 'ultimate liberation item' for women, we thought of 'fundoshi'." Again with the "freedom" and the "release". I don't think that you're going to be finding a whole lot of "release" after donning what looks to be Fred Flintstones boxer shorts there. And the brand name "Nanafun"? That sounds like "fun with Nana" and in the US at least, a "Nana" is one's grandmother. Underwear that's fun with your grandmother?? Run for the hills. Now. Scream a little on the way; you'll feel better.

I'm just chalking this whole women's loincloth thing up to the mania-prone Japanese folks. Maybe it's just me and my crazy ways of the west, but I find no logic to be had in any of their rationale for wearing undergarments that look like dishrags on the rack. There's no difference. Look! Behold!

See? I don't need my loins looking as if they need you to wipe your hands on them or as if I'm taking drink orders. I get enough of that with regular underwear.

Sphere: Related Content

Amusing Crap That Will Destroy Our Planet

Recently, I've been made aware that there really is too much waste on this planet. It's not like I didn't have some sort of an idea that there was a whole bunch of stuff that gets thrown out every second of every day that is taking up valuable space on the earth. I knew that. I just hadn't fully grasped the magnitude until lately. There's too much stuff and we don't need to keep churning out more, especially if that which is churned out is useless. We definitely don't need more of that. And I found a website that has a bunch of useless crap that is eventually going to end up inundating the landfills and (in all likelihood) the oceans and that's unfortunate. What's even more unfortunate is that the stuff on this website is such crap that I found it amusing.

The site is J-List and it's freaking weird. It's Japanese, but the site is in English. And to the credit of whoever is responsible for the site, they have gone to great lengths to be all inclusive, not only with their products (aka, crap), but also with their descriptions of said products. Lengthy they are. And detailed! Sometimes, with too much detail. The thing with the Japanese is that they never do anything half-ass. Everything there that is popular isn't just popular, it's a crazed craze. It's like everything is a "must have" and if you don't "have" it, you "must" and soon! The Japanese also seem to figure that if a certain item is popular, then an item that is kind of like that item (but not really) will be popular as well. That's when they take their life savings and pour it into that item, only to find out it's ridiculous and worthless and that they never liked the item that was the popular one in the first place.

But here was what I was greeted with today when I stumbled over there (and really, for no apparent reason is this there):

Oh, what the hell is that?! Well, to their credit, they're talking about not being wasteful. After all, Mottainai "essentially means "What a waste!" But their website is just chock full of such utterly cheap and ridiculous crap that no one really needs, it's hard to take them seriously. (That, of course, is my biggest complaint about all of this "going green" stuff. Any entity can make a "green" claim and no one cares if they are or not and there aren't a whole lot of regulations to determine if they are or not. As long as people can believe they're doing good, they don't care if they really aren't, just as long as they think they are.)

And then for no apparent reason, it delves off down this path: "Japan's toilet culture is quite unique, especially when you're coming from the outside. First, there are two types of toilets here, standard Western units you're familiar with -- they come in normal, butt warming and butt washing types -- and washiki or Japanese-style, which you squat over to use." Good Lord, make it stop!! After that it takes off on the expected tangent...that of Hillary Clinton's impending visit to Japan and whether or not she will bring Valentine's Day chocolates for Prime Minister Aso. (Is that really his name? Aso? You know...um...that kinda sounds like "Prime Minister A-Hole", doncha think? It does a little, huh? Hmm. Poor choice. Moving on!)

I knew I'd likely find an enormous selection of craptastic products when I saw that the product list on the top site banner read: "Hentai Manga, Japan Kit Kat, Tenga Adult Toys". Now that's quite the variety of stuff right there. (By the way, the Japan Kit Kat? Yeah, they're strawberry! What is that about?! I don't want a strawberry Kit Kat! OK, well, I kinda do, just to try it, though! But just one!) But I was not expecting this. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? That is the Nagomin Body Sponger -- with Long String. Apparently the "long string" is a selling point because we all know how hard a long string is to come by these days, what with the recession and all. (Hard times, hard times.) For more information, this description is included: Japanese bath products are far and wide some of the most interesting in the world. This new, umm -- sponge-on-a-rope is great for washing those hard to reach spots, without the hard scrubbing of a long brush. This one even has a cute face on it, so it seems to enjoy the washing up as much as you do! Has a long thick string tied to both sides and is very absorbent with a soft plush material. It seems to enjoy it as much as I do?? I'm not so sure inanimate objects are capable of that sort of enjoyment, but if they were, I don't think I'd be using that product in the shower. Anywhere, really, but especially in the shower. Little perverted sponge. Naturally, there are variations on the theme.

Continuing the parade of crap, haven't you always yearned to erase your mistakes with an eraser shaped like fruity produce? Your dreams have come true! Behold!

Here's a funky little item that will surely turn some heads. How many times have you found yourself rubbing away with your old eraser thinking, "This is boring!" -- now even erasing can be fun with this wacky electric banana eraser that rubs out pencil faster than you can imagine, thanks to its vibrator action that makes the retractable eraser work great. Will you ever go back to erasing things manually? Who needs pens when you've got a vibrating electric eraser that looks like a banana? Your life will never be the same again. Unfortunately, they're probably right; my life might not be the same if I actually insisted on using the vibrating banana to erase things. It would be lonely, as no one would come near me if I was spotted using that thing. ("But wait! Come back! It's fruit and it vibrates!! Wait!!")

But hey, why limit your love of erasers to just bananas? Actually, why be bound by fruit at all? Break free of the fruit! Break free of the doldrums of buying your erasers already made. Wait. What? That's right. Make your own erasers in the microwave and have them shaped like sushi! Behold!

Good Lord. I'm thinking the planet is worth a heck of a lot more than an eraser that looks like unagi that I cooked up in the microwave. It says that it comes with "...various cut outs to bring that more authentic restaurant feel to your creations." Because if I'm going to be erasing with sushi, I need that authentic restaurant feel, otherwise it's just not the same.

And now onto the Japanese wieners. Wait. What? Among the foreign community, the Japanese are famous for their perfectly cut mini-wieners you find in so many lunches (bento boxes). What's the secret behind these ubiquitous morsels you ask? Why the Wiener Cutter of course.

Guys, I apologize for the term "Wiener Cutter". That's enough to make any guy cringe. (Heck, I cringed when I read it and I don't even have one!) But when was the last time you heard a wiener called an "ubiquitous morsel"? Huh? It's probably been a looooonnnngg time, hasn't it? Good!

Now you too can have the most perfectly cut wieners on the block, and not only that, they'll be shaped like tulips!, complete with a bulb and leaves Be the hit at school. Be the talk of the water cooler clique at work. Wonderfully wacky.

There you go! Wonderfully wacky wieners! Shaped like tulips! But those aren't the only shapes you can cut your wiener into! (Again, sorry guys.) There's more!

• "...they'll be shaped like cute penguin!, complete with eyes and arms!"
• "...they'll be shaped like cute crabs!, complete with eyes and legs!"

Yep! Crabs for your wieners! Order now! Operators are standing by!

Then there's the Say It In Japanese Publication which claims to "...go into detail over sample conversations and useful expressions to accomplish what you need." Well, I like to accomplish what I need. This should be handy, yes? How the hell should I know? Just look at it for cryin' out loud! Do you know? Behold!

I don't know if I need to accomplish any of that! But then again, I don't know what half of those things are, nor why I would need to know them! The only examples that they give over at J-List are "expressions such as "Me o sara ni suru" ("Saucer Eyes" aka to open one's eyes widely in search for something or someone), "Te ga hayai" ("fast hands" or a womanizer) and "Icha Icha" suru (a couple necking)." So, what I need to accomplish is keeping an eye out for a womanizer and if I see a couple necking, I might have found one? Should I just wait until they're done? Those are strange examples of why I would want that book. (Why is that pink squirrel staring at that watermelon? Is that what goes on in Japan? I've never been. The man above the squirrel does not want that box! And next to him, a samurai fights with wanton letters.)

And finally, one of the more degrading products they had is an item called the Working Women's Simply Style Notepad. It's confusing even after you've seen it, but I'll explain. Behold!

When I saw this, my first thought was, "Do I want cut out sperm on my notes? I don't think I do." But I guess they're not sperm, although they could be. That's up to you and that's part of the intrigue (I suppose)! I mean, haven't you always wanted, as a working woman (sorry again, guys) to have a notepad with a little character? Thanks to J-List, your prayers are what? Answered, that is correct. "Here's a note pad with a little character. Simply use the pad to write notes and reminders to yourself when necessary, however there are 3 flap that can flip up allowing you to create different characters that allowing you to create different expressions based on what you draw on them. Great for making parodies of yourself or others in order to liven up the day." Why is this weird thing just for women? I don't get it. I suppose I should appreciate the thought, but if I'm going to "liven up my day" I'm going to do so by drinking six martinis at lunch. That alone will liven up a lot of people's day, not just mine! Count on co-workers, the boss, the cute copy chick and security to have their day livened up as well!

Look, this stuff is a riot and all, but only because it's just so ridiculous. We don't need this crap on the planet. Please stop. There's only so much room on the planet and I really don't think that we need to be taking up space with items that their sole purpose is for us to have pretty and shapely wieners. It's just crap and there's too much of it. Make something worthwhile and then we'll talk. But right now you'll have to excuse me. I just heard my microwave timer go off and I need to go check on the DIY Bunion Pads that I cooked up!

Sphere: Related Content