That's A Wrap

No one wants herpes. Even less people want AIDS. They're both bad, but one's a little more death-y than the other. And I think that more people would talk about how they don't want gonorrhea and syphilis more if they were easier to spell. And while these things are bad and pretty much everyone does not want them, you wouldn't get that impression from all of the people that don't want to use a condom. And for some reason, you can't explain the greatness of the condom to people so that they will listen. Well, until the poster below came along. (Pun not really intended.)

Isn't that great? My favorite part was the pleasure graph (though I think that they're giving the genital wart removal a little too much credit judging from the size of that bar). I also enjoy that in this condom-wearing world, Cleveland is a state. (It's funny because it's not a state at all.)

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Safe Sex With Bristol And The Situation

It must be a slow news day because I've got nothin'. My head is about to explode reading about all of the TSA nonsense and so it's hard for me to format a coherent post about that. (I could probably ramble on for quite some time about how, in some fashion, this country has decided that we are only going to be attacked from the air and has focused every, single, freaking effort on that. Maybe it's because they don't want to admit, yet do realize, that there's nothing we can do to prevent some Muslim extremists (or other terrorists) from blowing up a mall.) Lindsay Lohan is still in rehab, so there's a once perfectly reliable go-to topic straight out the window. So, here I am. Nearly topic-less. Fortunately, I found a video of a PSA that Bristol Palin did with The Situation which is supposed to steer one toward either abstinence or using condoms. Yep. That's what I've got. I don't think that this is going to do any good, nor do I think that The Sitch is really in need of a magnum condom. (I'll bet it's baggy.) But at least they're both sticking to their guns. Bristol is not going to have sex and Mike is going to have all of the sex. Fine. Now go away.

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Have A Safe Sex Halloween

Remember when you were a kid and you went out trick-or-treating and there was always at least one house you went to where the people were just jerks and they gave you something like a penny or a pencil or the dreaded box of raisins or the unwanted and slightly ironic toothbrush? What was wrong with those people? Talk about a bunch of fun-sucks. But those sorts of people haven't gone away. No, in fact, a couple in Oregon have actually taken it up a notch. Wait. Maybe they've taken it down a notch. I'm not sure which one would be correct here. You tell me. What do you call it when people hand out condoms for Halloween? Um, what now?

Correct. According to MSNBC, a one Daniel Harris and a one Kathleen Harris, of Silverton, Oregon, handed out condoms to trick-or-treaters. They claimed that it was their "effort to promote health." It's Halloween! It's not about promoting health! And since when is giving away condoms considered to be promoting health and not making you think about having sex?

See, the way that this came to light was "The father of one 14-year-old girl who received the condoms, Daniel Cote, was offended and says it was inappropriate to give them to children without parents' consent." Oh, for cryin' out loud. Offended? Really? He wasn't just pissed off? Because I think that I'd be a little pissed off if someone was giving my kid a condom for Halloween. Screw being offended. What's wrong with just being pissed off that some people are morons?

Now, now. Before we all get all irritated, I should tell you that "Kathleen Harris says giving the condoms to the 14-year-old was a mistake." See? There you go. Yeah, um, "She says their usual practice is to ask teens if they're 16 or older and to give them a speech on safe sex." What the...? OK. Now we can be pissed off. Are you freaking kidding me?

Look, I don't live in Oregon, but what in the world is going on over there that 16 year old kids are trick-or-treating? For that matter, what's a 14-year old doing trick-or-treating? I mean, I guess you could make the argument that it's OK for the 14-year old, but that would have to be the last year. I thought that trick-or-treating was just for younger kids, like those under 13? I don't get it.

But what I also really don't get is that couple. Boy, they sound like a treat, don't they? You go to their house hoping to get candy and instead you get a lecture about safe sex. Real fun. But, I'm guessing that the 16-year olds that are out trick-or-treating really don't have to worry too much about having sex. What is wrong with some people? It's Halloween! Not Wrap That Rascal Day! Leave the condoms alone! Hand out little Butterfingers! It's a fairly simple concept. Get with it!

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That's A Wrap!

Since I was just going on about one of the very many ridiculous bills that California legislators attempt to get passed into law, I might as well keep going and address an article which appeared in the LA Times and informs us that state regulators will be creating an advisory committee because they want to consider increasing the regulation of the porn industry in California. That's right. They want to mandate "....the use of condoms and testing for sexually transmitted diseases." Uh-huh. Wait. Condoms?

That's right. Condoms. They want porn stars to wear condoms. Wow. How hot. Or not. What is wrong with people?!!? Leave porn alone!

Now, the state regulators want to hear from the porn industry on what they think about all of this regulation. According to a one Jonathan Frisch, principal risk manager at PG&E (Wait. PG&E? The utility company?! Why is the risk manager of the power company weighing in on the porn regulation issue? What in the heck is going on over there at PG&E anyway?!), "It's going to be very, very important that we do have them at the table." At the table. In the shower. On the hood of a convertible. In a stable. All very, very important. Yeah, we know.

According to a one former porn participant Darren James, "...who tested HIV-positive during a 2004 outbreak in the San Fernando Valley's porn community (if you picked up on the key phrase there being "porn community" then I think you're a bit more understanding of how there could be an HIV outbreak in 2004) "You think you're safe, but you're not. In between scenes, you don't know what other actors are doing." Do I think about what the other actors are doing between scenes? I never have before. Is he saying that in between all of the filmed fornication that there is more fornication going on? Freelance fornication?! I've heard of taking your work home with you and stuff, but I guess I didn't figure that it included porn folks as well. Huh. Learn something new...

Mr. James was speaking before the board a crowd of about 40 at Costa Mesa City Hall. I'm not sure what the crowd was doing there. Then again, I'm not sure that 40 constitutes a crowd. Whatever it is, at one point, he turned to the 40 folks and said, "I'm living your nightmare every day." He is? My nightmare changes from day to day and I don't think that he's living any of them. It's a nightmare if I don't get my trash cans to the curb on trash day. Is that what he means? It seems awfully different, so I don't think it is. How is an ex-porn star who contracted HIV during the Great Breakout of 2004 living my nightmare?

But here's the apex of all of this insanity. A one Dr. Robert Kim-Farley, of the Los Angeles County Department of Public Health (and someone who has clearly never had much of an interest in watching porn), recommended "...the board mandate condom use and require the adult film industry to pay for testing." Condom use. In porn. Mandated. Great. Does he not know that people are not a big fan of the condom in general? They're certainly not a fan of the condom in porn. No one wants their porn to have a responsible feel to it. If that was going to be the case, then everyone would finally be able to come out of their darkened basements (or sex dens, dungeons, whatever) and not feel their current shame. Actually, strike that. They should be more ashamed if they're watching porn with condoms. Back to the basements, weirdos!

Dr. Kim-Farley (no relation to Chris Farley from what I can tell) also stated the obvious by saying that "Infection rates for chlamydia and gonorrhea...are seven times higher in the porn industry than in the general population, and as many as a quarter of porn performers are diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease in any given year." Hmmm. I wonder if all of the wild sex that they're having in front of cameras and for a pittance has anything to do with it. OK, the pittance is irrelevant, as is the cameras. Let's just try and focus on the ridiculous amount of sex that they have and why they're having it, shall we? Yeah, it's a wonder some of the guys don't insert Tab A into Slot B and just spontaneously combust.

After the vote, Mr. James voiced his opinion saying that "...he wished more hard-core porn actors had come forward to tell their stories." Trust me. So do some people on that board. He also derided the board for taking so long (something that I thought was a boon in the porn industry) by saying, "They need to do more. They should have done this years ago." Dude, I don't mean to judge (or maybe I do; you don't know), but no one forced you to do porn. You say that they should have done more, but in reality, couldn't you have done less? As in less porn?!

I don't know how much money California already makes from the porn industry, but I'll tell you this much: The state needs every freaking penny that it can scrounge up from wherever it can. However much money the state makes from porn, it needs it. And what will happen if this advisory board makes porn actors in California start wearing condoms? That's right. The porn industry will pack up their unmentionables and go film the unwatchable with all of their unsheathed penises (penii?) in another state. And they'll take the state's revenue with them. A brilliant idea, California. Simply brilliant. As if it isn't hard enough to start or run a business in this state, please, go ahead and make it more difficult for an industry that fueled the development of the Internet! The porn industry makes money hand over fist (pun totally intended) and California needs that money. Please don't make it harder (pun intended again) and force them to pull out early (can't stop myself).

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It's a Recession! Everybody Have Sex!

Today, what many people have known for quite some time (and what others have been trying to avoid accepting as fact) was officially confirmed: The United States is in a recession. (In other news, water? Still wet. The sun? Still hot. Back to you.)

Oh, and this recession didn't just pop up the other day or anything. No, apparently, the US has been in troubled times far longer than we were aware! We've been destitute since December 2007! The nerve of them not telling us for an entire year! We wasted 12 months of panic time! We've just lost an entire year of over-hyped media coverage portraying the situation as ten times worse than it is! That's stuff we'll never get back, you know. Never. It's gone. Those days are over, my friend.

And it's not just in the US where problems are just running amok. Britain isn't having all that great of a time either (despite being called "Great Britain"! The irony!). But if the British papers are any indication of how the Brits are coping with their own economic debacle, it comes down to two things: Humor and sex. (Sometimes, those are easily one and the same. But this time they really are two separate subjects!)

Over there at The Sun, we learn about a one Andrew Shaffer, an artist who says that, “Humour is essential to make it through tough times." (Again, just a reminder, this is separate from the sex! That's not what Andrew is referring to here. Hard for some to imagine, I know!) So Andrew has created some greeting cards with themes straight from the Great Depression! Wait. What?

He designed this fine card, guaranteed to make any destitute acquaintance of yours have a good laugh, just before his home is foreclosed on.

He also designed this winner, giving the recipient a moment to pause and reflect upon what their life without solid food will be like.

Right about then is when I got off on my little sex tangent. (It doesn't take much. Obviously, if I ended up there after reading Great Depression cards.) In the sidebar of "Interesting Stories" was a link that read "Top Ten Reasons to Have Sex". (There are nine other reasons besides "It's SEX, for cryin' out loud!"? Who knew?) Who the heck needs reasons? (I barely need permission!)

I didn't bother to click on it. (Again, no need for reasons. "I want to have sex" is reason enough.). But I did want to read about where sex fits in during these troubled, troubled economic times. And according to The Sun, if you're in Britain (and The Sun is, so you'd think they'd probably know), "Britain humps through slump." Dear God, I love the foreign press.

They make that statement based upon the recent revelation that sales of condoms have really gone up. (Yeah, yeah, pun intended. What hasn't gone up? Not much if they're buying all of those condoms!) "Experts reckon the reason is that a night in under the covers is cheaper than a night on the tiles." (It's also much more comfortable that way as well. Tile is cold and you're always slipping around or getting your head knocked into the side of the tub when you're....never mind. What were they saying about condoms?) Another expert surmised that "...another reason was that people were becoming concerned they couldn’t afford more kids." Oh, can we only hope and pray that concern spreads to the US? Soon! Please?! What a novel thought! Being able to afford the children that you expel out of your uterus when the creatures are done using you as their alien host. Brilliant!

And this "stay at home and have sex instead of going out" theory isn't just based on the fact that condom sales have increased. "Further proof is our tea light candles are up 50 per cent, champagne 20 per cent and oysters eight per cent and slippers and dressing gowns 22 per cent.” Wow. So not only are these guys staying home instead of taking their potential sexual partner out, these guys are having to convince their partner at home as well! Always a trade off, I suppose. (But here's a tip guys: Chicks aren't that into oysters. They look like snot. And they don't taste much better. Slurping down a shellfull of snot is not going to get many ladies "in the mood". Just so you know.)

According to an adult retail establishment in London, Private Shops, sales have been phenomenal lately and they are attributing it to the crappy economy. Seems Londoners are now staying in and doing it a whole lot more than when they had a bunch of money to toss around. And what money they do have, they're spending on "accessories" for their romping. According to a one Sally Barker ”With all the uncertainty over jobs, mortgages and savings, men are clearly turning to sex to have some fun." How nice. Now if only the women could have a little fun at the same time,eh? ”Our London outlets have seen the biggest sales spike. We've had to bring in extra supplies to cope. Sales are up 420 percent across the capital." Holy crap! 420 percent?! What are they buying? Sex can be fairly accessory-free (for the most part. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for a little accessorizing. I'm just pointing out the frugal aspects during these troubled, troubled times.). ”French maid and fireman outfits, nurses uniforms, rubber and leather - they are all flying out of the stores." Wow! Flying nurses in rubber and leather?! That must be a sight! (Why am I reminded of the Wizard of Oz? Fireman and nurses and maids! Oh, my!) Oh, my indeed.

Another headline in The Sun that caught my eye read: "Pair having sex in the woods were beaten by shaven headed yobs." Good Lord, I don't even know what a "shaven headed yob" is, but it doesn't sound good. And while I may be in the dark about that, I do know what being beaten is and I know that isn't good! The photo below accompanied the story and had the following caption beneath it: "Attacked - Keely Hill was attacked while romping." There ya go! Tell it like it is, Sun guys!

And finally, just when things seemed to be going so well during the times of recession in the land of British sex, I then had to read the whole dealio of the guy who had sex with a horse! But again, The Sun does not disappoint as they inform us that "A PERVERT has been jailed for having sex for a second time with the same HORSE." I found it interesting that they chose to capitalize both "pervert" and "horse", as I would have thought that the emphasis would have been on something like "second time." Having sex with a horse, in and of itself (not literally, for God sakes!), implies that someone is, in fact, a pervert (as does have sex with a horse the first time, but we needn't quibble). Emphasize the "second time" and now you've painted a picture of a whole different kind of pervert. The kind that's all stable-rific.

Oh, but about the pervert. It would seem that one pervert, a 46-year old Leeroy Le Gallais had been on probation for "molesting a gelding." (He was caught after leaving his underwear in the stable of a horse named Calico. See, that's the one good thing about perverts. They're not real bright. Makes it easier to catch them and that gets all of us one step closer to having our street pervert free!) "But the drunken weirdo returned and committed further indecencies with the same horse."

I would pay good money for one, just one, US newspaper to use "the drunken weirdo" in a story. (You want people to read what you write? String some words like those together and you're off to a good start.)

"Calico’s owner found a mounting stool (My God! They have special stools for that in Britain?!) next to the animal the next morning. Calico was also “box walking” — moving sideways — a sign of stress." (It is also the sign of an unfortunate encounter with a drunken weirdo, it would appear.) "Le Gallais said he meant to go home but went and “played around” with Calico." Meant to go home?! But instead your found yourself fornicating with an equine beast?!?! It's hard for me to imagine how those two things ended up as options for one another! Look, I went to the store the other day and I meant to get Diet Coke, but I mistakenly ended up getting regular Coke instead. See how that works? I didn't go to the store and mean to get Diet Coke but ended up fornicating with a horse instead!!

"He admitted having sex with a horse and was jailed for three years." Well, at least there was a semi-happy ending. Well, probably not for the horse.

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Building Moral Sexual Attitudes

Good news, bad news! The good news is that the annual Sex Festival in Guangzhou (which kinda sound like some sort of VD) opened again! The bad news is that is now costs three times as much as it did in 2006. So if you're going to be all sex-fest-ing it up, it will now cost you a whopping $4.50. Hey, that's 30 yuan if you're using yuan! In 2006, that means it was only 10 yuan or...wait. A buck fifty? What kind of a sex festival only charges a buck fifty?

The article over at China Daily gives us a hint or two about that. It says that some of the "activities" that are featured this year are "talks on birth control such as condoms to sex toys, a photo show on sexual health and eugenics, forums on sexology, quizzes and lingerie shows." That doesn't sound very festival-y to me. It sounds like a college course almost.

Now, before the festival, they prepared ("they" being the festival preparers) by having "sexologists gave a series of lectures to middle school and college students, as well as migrant workers. The goal was to improve sexual knowledge and awareness of safe sex, said Zhang Feng, chief of the Guangdong Provincial Commission of Population and Birth Control." That's a diverse target audience there. From middle school children to migrant workers. That pretty much covers it!

Apparently Guangdong (again, such an appropriate name for a place to have a sex festival) has the most migrant workers in China. There are approximately 30 million of them. (That's a lot of migrants, indeed!) So of course, in order to do a study, the sexologists decided that if they survey only 65 of the 30 million migrants they'll have taken a fair enough sample to generalize the entire 30 million migrants from those select 65. Apparently, they're not real big on diversity in China.

From their 65-Migrant Study, they found that 45 of them who were unmarried had premarital sex. They also found that the migrants change partners more frequently than the "local urbanites". Well, of course they do! That's their name. They're migrants. They migrate. It's in their name, what do you expect?

They didn't say what they expected, but they did conclude "Migrants showed greater tolerance toward sex and were more liberal with sex partners." How much "tolerance toward sex" does one really need? Are the sexually intolerant non-migrant folks abundant in China? I didn't know that you had to be "tolerant" of sex. I don't usually think of it as something to be "tolerated". Welcomed, sure! Tolerated? Not usually. (Usually, it's not the "tolerance" that's the issue so much as it is the "availability".) They also stated that the promiscuity among the migrants (yes, those 45 slutty migrants) had "caused sexual and reproduction problems" and that it "was endangering the reproductive health of this group of people." When asked to elaborate on those statements, the individual declined. Thanks for that. Real informative.

Back to the middle schoolers for a moment. Apparently, "the city's Family Planning Commission advised parents to include condoms in their 12-15-year-old kids' schoolbag to prevent unwanted pregnancy and other consequences." Um, what? A condom in their schoolbag?! What would be the "other consequences" they're hoping to prevent?! Learning something instead of having sex (with the condom that was packed in your lunch next to a sandwich and a bag of chips)?! If you're putting a condom in your kid's schoolbag, are you thinking they're going to be having sex at school? That's where they're going! It's right there in the name of the bag! Are they enrolled in Underage Fornication 101! That is not a good idea, contrary to what the Festival folks claim is a method to "promote civilized concepts of sex." I don't know when 12-15 year olds having sex was accepted as a "civilized concept", but I'll pass on civility if that's what it includes. Thanks anyway.

The fourth sex festival that they held had the theme "building moral sexual attitudes". And that seems like a worthwhile theme or cause to have for something. But then I saw pictures of some of the activities that they had that year and they looked like this:

Um, I'm not so sure that my definition of a "moral sexual attitude" is the same as theirs over there. I mean, that's not what I pictured a wall full of "moral sexual attitude" to look like at all. Not even close. And I'm not so sure that the guys below knew what they were in for when they planned their little excursion to the festival. Or, at the very least, were surprised at the seemingly new and improved definition of "moral sexual attitude". (They also seem like they would be very "tolerant" of the "moral sexual attitude" that is on display.)


The women below who are promoting the "moral sexual attitude" seem to have misplaced the ass portion of their "moral sexual outfits." It doesn't appear, however, that anyone seems to mind.


But what is with this poster that seems to be about HIV?? Seriously? It that his ass?? Yes, yes, I believe it is! That guy in the photo is so surprised, he's calling people to tell them! "No, I'm not kidding! It's his ass! His ass, I tell you!" Come on, China!

One of the festival organizers was quoted as saying, "China has a totally different attitude towards sex from many countries. We should not only promote a bold, open attitude, as in Western countries, but also preserve healthy, traditional views on sex." OK, then. You guys let us know when you get to those "healthy traditional preservative views". Can't wait to see your interpretation of those!

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Vielen Dank für alle Präservative!

I am well aware that when there is some sort of an event somewhere and then somewhere else tries to replicate the event that was a hit in the place where it started, it's just not the same. I get that. But listen, "just not the same" is a whole lot different than "My God! That didn't happen where I went! What the hell is going on over there anyway?" I am naturally speaking of Oktoberfest.

Now granted, most of the Oktoberfest festivals that I've attended were in Utah (oh, stop your snickering), not exactly a state that is known for it's wild partying ways. But in my defense, they were in Park City, which is in Utah, but not of it. But still. Just let me give you a few of the statistics from this year's Oktoberfest and you just tell me if it's like any of the Oktoberfest fests that you have ever attended (provided they were NOT in Germany). Ready? Here we go...

According to the fest-y folks over there at The Local - Germany's News In English there were some six million fest-goers this year at Oktoberfest in Munich. Six freaking million. Those six million sucked down 6.6 million liters of beer. OK, that's only 1 point something small liter per goer. I'm a little disappointed by the individual stat there (aren't you guys supposed to be big drinkers? Doesn't seem like it. I'm just sayin'.), but I am still marvelling at the over all figure of six million liters. And if you're drinking all that beer, you're naturally going to get hungry. That explains how the revellers managed to consume 104 whole oxen. Now, there's not a lot of oxen consumption here in the states. In fact, there's nearly none. Actually, there IS none where ever I am. I steer clear of the oxen eating crowd. 104 whole oxen. Amazing. (I don't think I've ever had oxen. Well, I've had oxtail, does that count? As I recall, it tasted like beef. That led me to believe that it's just another one of those things that sounds funky when you tell someone you've eaten it.)

And while I'm a bit disappointed by the individual beer consumption, the weather kind of sucked. It was raining and the temperature hovered around 11 degrees. Oh, wait. Celsius. Stupid metric system. OK, so that's...um, really cold degrees Fahrenheit? No, wait, it's 52. 52 degrees Fahrenheit. Yeah, that's a bit chilly to be outside drinking beer. So, as it would turn out, beer drinking was actually down about 5 percent from the year before. So I'm OK with it. Really. But it gets better.

The Local tells us, in English, "According to daily newspaper Süddeutsche Zeitung on Tuesday, the chilly weather inspired lots of Wiesn visitors to huddle closer together for warmth - which seems to have had wider repercussions." Oh, really? Such as? "The paper reported that Munich pharmacies sold record amounts of condoms during the 16-day beer festival." Well, well, well. How you doin'?

Some were doin' pretty well, thank. "Some store inventories were completely cleared out of prophylactics. Condom maker Durex said they sold 1.5 million rubbers during the last fortnight – 21 percent more than the entire month of August." My God, Germany! You people are like rabbits, constantly fornicating at your beer fests amongst the carcasses of whole oxen! And all for the sake of trying to stay warm! Wow. 21 percent more. That's impressive. And 1.5 million during the last fortnight? Again, impressive. (For those of you unfamiliar with the term "fortnight", it refers to the last day of the festival that you can do it in a fort.)

I do love the way that The Local doesn't try to fluff this story up at all. Nope, they mentioned that Durex made condoms, but after that they just jumped right into calling them "rubbers". Way to class it up there, Local!

But seriously, are we really supposed to believe that it was the cold weather that caused all of the coital interaction amongst the drunken masses? Because if I'm just cold and huddled up with people in general, that's one thing. But have you seen some of the folk that are attending these beer fests? It's like a drunken leper colony. I'm going to need a bit more than simply "I wish I'd brought a sweater" to convince me to pay a visit to the Durex condom booth. (And for those of you who know me personally, you know it would take an awful lot more than even that. I mean a LOT.) So as much as they'd like to blame it on the weather, we all know the truth. It's the beer. How do you think half of those people at the leper colony are getting together in the first place? That's right. Alcohol.

The makers of the Durex condom were understandably thrilled and offered their own colorful commentary. "Gerald Schreiber, a marketing manager for Durex, expressed his excitement over the potential synergies of the world’s largest beer orgy and his company’s prophylactics: “With that kind of turnover maybe we should think about developing a special Wiesn condom!” Do you guys really need anymore people over there "expressing their excitement"? For cryin' out loud, you just went through millions of condoms! There seems to be plenty of excitement without Gerald throwing his into the "world's largest beer orgy". (God, I love the foreign press.)

And just one more reason why I love the foreign press: This is the photo that accompanied this story:

So, just like the title of this post says, thanks for all the condoms!

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Condom-Condom, Hello-Hello?

OK, so a little while ago I had mentioned that that some folks over there in India (the country) had decided that the best way to get the message out that "safe sex is the way to go" would be to create a downloadable ring tone that sang out "Condom, condom." I think the concept is as ridiculous now as I thought it was then. But that was "then". "Then" was also when I could not imagine that people would want their cell phone shouting out "Condom, condom!" (People don't really even want other people to shout out "Condom, condom!" Whether sex is imminent or not.) But apparently, I was wrong and 270,000 (yes, that's thousand) people have so far downloaded the prophylactic jingle that will save the world from unprotected sex. Or not.

The ring tone goes by the name "Condom a Capella". Basically, it just repeats the word "condom" over and over again in different melodies. And while there were 270,000 downloads, there were also over two million hits on the website http://www.condomcondom.org/ . So only a little more than 10% of the people that wanted to hear the ring tone actually wanted to hear it shouted at them from their phone on random occasions. It's a fair guess that a lot of those 270,000 have never had sex (but have had the opportunity to download a lot of stuff) and are hoping that this ringtone advertises that they're willing to do so and will do so all protected and with catchy ring tones in the background. The tricky part is going to be finding people who will actually want to call them.

270,000 people?! Now, I can compare that to some of the other numbers involved here to make it seem rather small. There are over 250 million people in India who use a cell phone. That's only .0011 percent of the cell phone users who decided this was a good idea and they should download it immediately. And while that is a seemingly small percentage, let's just remember for a second that they're downloading a ringtone for their cell phone that sings out "Condom, condom!" whenever it rings. ON purpose! Take that into consideration and .0011 percent starts seeming a bit high. And so do those who are downloading it.

According to a one Yvonne MacPherson, the County Director for the BBC World Service Trust in India, "Never before has a mobile ring-tone been used to communicate a social or public health message. We wanted to create a conversation piece that would get people talking and ultimately break down the taboo about condoms. We want condoms to be seen as any other health product."

Well, she's right about a ringtone never having been used to communicate a social or a health message. Unless you consider people in a social situation wanting the person whose cell phone is ringing to shut up. That is a frequent communication in a social situation. (And if you actually take the cell phone from the offender and bonk them over the head with it, voila! A communication in a health situation! One that will likely result in a communication in a penal situation. My, but the cell phone ring tone is quite a versatile communication tool, is it not?) I'm not quite sure what she means by the "taboo about condoms". What would the condom taboo be in India? I can't imagine it's any different than the taboo (that masquerades as whining) about condoms in the US. You know, the whole "They're too small" (Yeah, right!), "I can't feel anything!" (Again, yeah, right!) "There wasn't time!" (Usually said after he's done. Thirty seconds later. If that.) But I still don't see how having your cell phone sing about the condom is going to help any taboo, regardless as to what it is.

And really, while it's a novel ideal and will appeal to...well...some, apparently, I don't see it doing any good except for filling up space in witty blogs across the Internet. That's because "only about half of the at-risk population, including sex workers and men who have sex with men have access to HIV prevention measures." That according to the latest fact sheet from UNAIDS about India, a group that, based simply on their name, would seem to know a lot about stuff like this. So, if they don't even have access to HIV prevention measures, ie, condoms, what good is a "Condom, condom" ringtone going to do? Not a lot, from what I can tell. But hey, are they saying that those people have access to cell phones but not to condoms? Well, that seems a little backwards. So you can use your cell phone to call up your potential booty call, but even if you do manage to get them in the sack, you've got nothing to wrap that rascal in! Seems like this one should have been a little more thought out.

But I probably shouldn't judge (and yet I do. Frequently.). I wouldn't have thought that India would have 270,000 softheads that would want this thing blaring from their phone. I'd be interested to know if it was mostly guys or mostly girls who downloaded it. I'm guessing more guys downloaded it, but guys will do just about anything when it comes to drawing attention to the fact that they have a penis. Actually, I'd really like to sit down and have a little chat with any girl that would download this. You know, just to see what was bouncing around inside their little empty skull there. I can't imagine why a girl would want her purse to randomly burst out in a couple stanzas of "Condom, Condom!"

So the way I see it, this is either going to mean one of two things. It will either mean that people will become more aware and start using condoms more frequently (presumedly when they're having sex, not like when they're mowing the lawn or something unrelated to fornication) or they will just run the other direction whenever they hear the "Condom! Condom!" call of the wild go off. Either way, there's going to be more protected sex or just less sex overall and since both of those things would seem to be the ultimate goal of this wacky idea, I guess, by God, it freaking worked. So way to go, funny looking, prophylactic ringtone dudes. Way to go.

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