JTP Needs A Staff

Will someone please put Joe the Plumber back underneath a leaky sink somewhere? This is getting a bit out of hand. The guy asks one, yes one, one question of Barry and the next thing you know, the guy is everywhere and he's also now an authority on...something. I guess. But now it would seem, that his presence is in high demand with....well, I'm not sure exactly who all are clamoring for a chance to have Joe the Plumber, uh....um....well, I don't know what they would want him for, actually. But whoever "they" are, "they" do want him for whatever and there must be a lot of 'em, because he's hired a publicity firm to take care of all of his now ever present media scheduling needs. Wait. The plumber guy? What?

According to the folks with limited information over there at the Associated Press, Samuel Joseph "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher (otherwise known by me as "JTP") has hired a publicity team from Nashville called The Press Office. Some of their other famous clientele whose hectic schedules they manage would include the likes of rockers Grand Funk Railroad and Eddie Money, just to give you an idea of how popular Joe the Plumber is these days. He's right up, er, over, um, I mean, down there with Grand Funk Railroad! Um, Grand Funk Railroad hired these folks as their publicity team? I don't know if that is exactly a testament to how well those folks do their job, as I was unaware that Grand Funk Railroad was still together, still performing, or still doing anything at all, really. Why does Grand Funk Railroad need a publicity team? So that someone can flip the coin when they have to decide between playing at Harrah's in Vegas or at the Rio in Vegas? I don't get it.

But back to JTP. Somehow, some softhead out there decided that Joe the Plumber needed to do his own bus tour around Ohio so that he could campaign for the Republican ticket. Wednesday, he even made an appearance with Bible Spice, aka Sarah Palin. From what I can tell, he introduced her. So he's a flash-in-the-pan, semi-famous, newly crowned emcee, is that what they're getting at? Because I have yet to hear him utter any statement about anything having to do with this election that would make me or (I would think) anyone else give a fat rat's ass about what he has to say. When JTP was in Sandusky, Ohio earlier this week, Grandpa John McCain said of JTP, "He deserves our appreciation. Thank you for your courage." Courage? What courage? Did he snatch a baby from the jaws of death? Did he leap tall buildings in a single bound? What in the heck are you talking about John? Courage to have the guts to associate himself with your fledgling campaign? (A campaign which has taken on many of the same characteristics typically seen in a wandering Alzheimer's patient, might I add.)

But the crowd in Sandusky (pop. 25,000) went wild (all twenty of them, from the looks of the pictures) and then JTP took the stage. He took the microphone and he uttered this sentence that will surely resonate for years to come (or not). He said, "I didn't prepare anything, but one thing I did (want to) say is just get out and get informed, really know what you're talking about when you're talking about it." Well, that sounds like we should really be anticipating some wonderful insight from him next, yes? Let's see. He continued with, "Get involved in the government, that way we can hold our politicians accountable.” By doing what? Oh, wait, never mind, that was it. He's done now. Yep, those were his words of wisdom that is making his presence so high in demand that he hired a publicity firm. Know what you're talking about when you're talking about it. And get involved in the "Holding Accountable Department of Government". Are you kidding me?

Tell me something, who is paying this guy? Don't get me wrong, I don't think I can fault him too much for taking the gig on. But I am not a big fan of how campaign money (or money in general) just gets tossed around. Granted, I know that we're just printing it by the boatload these days (yeah, that won't hurt the overall value of the dollar in the long run at all! Just because the dollar's value has plummeted every other time the market has been flooded with extra currency, that doesn't mean that it will always happen, right? No.), but how much money was thrown at JTP if now, the man who owes back taxes for whatever, can now afford to hire a publicity firm to handle his "hectic schedule"? If he was worried about being taxed more before he became Joe Every-Dolt of the campaign trail, he might really start to worry about it now. As I see from The Press Office brochure, they claim that they will get you exposure. And with exposure comes money. "Exposure that adds great value to your name, trademark, recording project and/or event by booking and securing valuable national media opportunities worth, in many cases, millions of dollars over the life of your project." We'll learn how much this cost through campaign spending reports, won't we? Sure, sure we will. And it won't be good, will it? No, no it won't. But it would have been worse if McCain had won, wouldn't it? (Yes, I am presuming he has already not won.) Yes, yes it would have.

But wait, there's more! More? Yes, MORE! Turns out that there has been talk of a (wait for it) book deal for JTP. How long of a book, is what I want to know. He only asked ONE question. And he asked it because he clearly didn't know the answer. What is his book going to be about? The Big Bald Book of Presidential Candidate Inquiries? He's also considering running for Congress, proving that anyone, yes anyone can become a member of Congress. Am I the only one who realizes that JTP didn't DO anything?! That he hasn't DONE anything?!

The man asked ONE question. And Barry kind of answered the question, but he also kind of didn't. (For those of you who think that President Barry will be different than all of the other politicians, you're in for a treat. He's a politician. He's just smarter about it than the rest of them. That's why he's going to be President and why John McCain is going to be trying to remember where he parked the Buick.) And then John McCain tried to roll with JTP (Good Lord, no! Not literally! NO one wants that!) and that went nowhere fast and it's gaining speed by the second. Yep, it's the John McCain-Joe The Plumber-Hey, Where'd Sarah Palin Go-Bus Tour Express! And it's coming to a screeching and grinding halt soon near you!

And the clip below simply illustrates how John McCain's entire campaign has been going lately, more so since he's tried to catch a ride on the JTP Express. Yo, John! If you're going to try to get a crowd pumped up for your message and your platform (whatever they both may be), you must, absolutely must, you must finish your sentence! When you say, "All of you stand up and say..." and then the crowd starts cheering? Yes, I know it's loud. Yes, I know it's hard for you to hear (even without the cheering). But you have this newfangled device in front of you called a microphone. It transmits sounds at considerably louder levels than without it! Yes, it is somewhat of a miracle! Because with that microphone, those people in that cheering crowd will still be able to hear you! But only if you finish your sentence! Instead, you said, "All of you stand up and say....(and here you switched over into Grandpa Simpson voice)....I thank you...." WHAT?!! Say what?! What were they supposed to say?! John! Wake up, John! Say WHAT?!?!

:::: s i g h :::: That wasn't good. Did he just not remember that JTP wasn't going to be there (or wasn't there). Yeah, he tried to wing it, but as you just saw, that didn't go over so well. He really needs to drop the "old man fade out" noise at the end of a lot of his sentences. I think of Grandpa Simpson every single time I hear him trail off with "Eeehhhhheeehhhhhhhh...."

To briefly paraphrase a bit from Jon Stewart, "...in a recent Field Poll, when compared with a Rasmussen Poll, you'll see that LET'S JUST EFFING VOTE ALREADY! is leading." Finally! Polling I understand.

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Joe the Plumber Fakeroversy

In the final debate between the Presidential candidates (which really wasn't a "debate" at all. They should have called it "2 Minutes Each To Point And Blame.), one name was mentioned 25 times. It wasn't the name of either candidate. (No one ever says "Barry" once, let alone 25 times and, quite frankly, that's a shame.) It wasn't the name of any Federal program. It wasn't the name of any of the AIG money wasting bastards. It wasn't even Osama bin Laden. Nope, apparently there was one name that was more important to talk about more frequently than all of those other things I just mentioned. The oh-so important name? Joe the Plumber. Wait. What?

Joe the Plumber is the new nom de plume (or nom de plumb) of a one Joe Wurzelbacher of somewhere in Lucas County, Ohio. Joe somehow managed to get close enough to Obama during one of Barry's stops in Ohio and Joe managed to ask him about his tax plan. See, Joe's a smart guy. But he's not what people think of as the typical "smart guy". He's just Joe. And in reality, the reality that the candidates and every other political power monger out there wants to ignore, the majority of the "smart guys" are just like Joe. Regular people. Regular people who are not too dumb or too stupid to understand that we're not being told anything specifically. We're given bits and pieces of things and it's up to us to put it all together and figure out what it means. That's where the ignoring the average intelligence of the average Joe comes into play. Just assume that we're all morons and won't check up on anything and will just listen to how good you sound or how good you look and we'll vote that way. Yeah, 'cause we're morons. I got it.

And really, can you blame the politicians? First of all, no one ever lost an election by underestimating the intelligence of the American people. And second, this is a country who elected a man named Tricky Dick. Twice.

So, according to the caucus-y bloggy folks over at the New York Times, Joe the Plumber says to Barry, “I’m getting ready to buy a company that makes $250,000 to $280,000 a year. Your new tax plan is going to tax me more, isn’t it?” Well, that sounds direct. I'm sure then that he received a direct answer, right? Anyone? Anyone? Of course he didn't.

Barry's reply to an extremely reasonable question was “I think that when you spread the wealth around, it’s good for everybody." Do you Barry? Do you really? Of course you do. (By the way, he answer was long for "You betcha.") That's because you're a socialist. Here he comees to save the daaaayy!

See, it's fine for Barry to think that when wealth is spread around, everyone benefits. That's a perfectly valid thought/idealistic view to hold. I have no problem with that. What I have a problem with is the concept. Why is it that Barry gets to decide how I should spread my money around? When did this become a socialist nation? (If you tell me it's when we decided to let everyone and their burro walk into this country and then stay here and pay for it for them, I will respond by saying that it was a rhetorical question, as I am well aware of when/how this happened, senor.) It's MY money, why can't I decide where it goes?

But socialism doesn't work like that. No, socialism works under the concept that you, basically, work for the government. You make money, they take it from you. Then your income drops while those who are receiving your money see their income increase. It makes it more balanced, doncha know? Oh, but don't assume that those who are receiving your money are working just as hard as you are and just not making enough to make ends meet or whatever. No, it doesn't quite work like that in Barry's Socialist Utopia. No, your money could go to someone who is refusing to work because they can live on your money instead. Your money could go to someone who isn't even legally entitled to be in this country but is collecting money from the government anyway. Doesn't that sound great? Of course it doesn't; the eight of you reading this aren't idiots.

So do you think that the differing views on what is or what is not socialism were what was making headlines? So you think that people were wanting to know more about what Barry meant by "spreading the wealth around"? Well, you'd think they would and you'd think the media would cover it. But no. Instead, what do we get? We get stories like the one at the New York Times which is titled "Real Deal on 'Joe the Plumber' Reveals New Slant". OOooohhhh!!! Doesn't that sound sinister and like something we should all pay attention to? Maybe, but we shouldn't. Because it's not.

These are some of the things that the New York Times felt were important enough to point out and make an issue of more than Joe the Plumber's question to Barry:

• His name isn't Joe. That's right. It's Samuel. Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher. And he goes by "Joe". The horror! How is that a big deal to anyone? Do those folks not understand the concept of the middle name in and of itself? The middle name is specifically for naming your children in a way that either a) Allows you to name them after a person who you like, but who's name you don't, and never have to call them by that name, or b) Allows you to name them with a name you do like (at least better than the first name) so that you can call them by that and not the name you don't like. It's an out, is what it is. Gotta name your boy after Uncle Sherman? Miles Sherman Jones it is! Gotta name your daughter after Auntie Mergatroid? That's when your baby girl becomes M. Hannah Jones. Sherman and Mergatroid live happily ever after and so do your children.
  
  
• He's not a plumber. That's right. He does plumbing, but he's not a plumber. He's a plumber's apprentice. (Oh, good Lord. Potato, potatoh. Whatever.) Apparently that's a sticking point if you're the New York Times. Look, the point is, he has a job. Actually, no, that's not the point. The point is that he asked a valid question. It doesn't matter if he's a naked fire juggler (OK, it matters a little bit, because I'd really like to see someone doing that and asking a candidate a question! But I digress.), the question was perfectly valid. And Barry, as Barry is known to do ("known" to those of us who pay attention to what he says whilst others are swooning at being in the very presence of said Messiah.) he just skirted around the issue and made it sound like a good thing. And I'm sure it is good. If you're not the one getting stuck with higher taxes.
  
  
• He wasn't really about to buy a plumbing business. Not tomorrow anyway. It's something he's been thinking about and I for one am shocked, just shocked, that someone would put an ounce of thought into their plan to see how taxes would figure in when they want to purchase, start up and open their own business. Shocking, I tell you! I guess he should just not ask questions like that and then, after he's all opened up (through the borrowing of capital) and realizes he can't afford the run the business with it's higher taxes, just declares bankruptcy or whatever and closes down and calls it a loss. What a novel idea. Look, if he wanted to do something like that he would have gotten into a sub-prime mortgage and bought a mansion in the foothills.
  
  
• He owes taxes. The New York Times article tells us that, "According to public records, Mr. Wurzelbacher has been subject to two liens, each over $1,100. One, with a hospital, has been settled, but a tax lien with the State of Ohio is still outstanding." I do not know the significance of "each over $1,100." Who cares? But here's what I really don't get: Why hasn't McCain jumped on this? Why hasn't he said that Joe the Plumber and people like Joe (even those without their occupation after their name) are concerned about what Barry's plan is going to do to their taxes because they can't even pay the ones they have now (apparently). Why have I not heard that? What? Because he owes taxes he can't ask if his taxes are going to be higher under a particular candidates plan? Spare me. It might make his question even more valid.

But do you hear anyone other than myself complaining about this coverage? Well, other than myself and Joe the Plumber? No, of course not. And that's because no one ever won an election by underestimating the intelligence of the American voter, that is correct. Excellent points to seize on and where is McCain? I don't know, maybe trying to decide which Early Bird Special to have? McCain is losing and he's losing by more and more every second. If he doesn't stop watching surfing cat videos on YouTube or whatever he's spending his time doing and start blathering about things that make a difference to regular people, he's going to continue to lose all the way up until he's lost the election. When he's out there talking to the throngs of senior citizens who gave up their shuffleboard games for the day to listen to him speak, he needs to talk to them and answer their questions as if he's talking to Joe the Plumber and answering his question.

Explain socialism. Explain how spreading the wealth is not always good. Go all Ross Perot if you have to and break out some charts! (Hey, that might sound kind of nutty, but that little jug-eared lunatic garnered 19% of the vote in 1992. Charts are good. Talk to us like we're five...only don't bend down. We're right here!) Use Joe the Plumber to your advantage. Pull up those saggy pants and hide that crack so people can start focusing on what the real question was and what the real issue is rather than the distraction (ie, the crack). Because while the distractions are fun at first, after it's over, you kind of feel like you need a shower. Just like after seeing the crack.

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Now That's A Position

I realize I don't need to cite any more examples of how the media in general (but especially online) is going straight to hell as far as their ability to write a coherent summary of whatever topic that they're attempting to report on. But I'm going to anyway.

Today's example is brought to you by those over there at Yahoo! News as they attempt to write a headline that will be able to accurately describe what their article is about. Sadly, their attempts failed. Even more sad is the fact that I highly doubt that they realize this. Still. Behold!

McCain, Obama avoid same-sex marriage

Well, that's good. Both Cindy and Michelle can sleep tonight knowing that McCain and Obama won't be curled up next to each other instead of being curled up next to their wives. Seriously, headline writing 22-year old news intern guy, do you not think that sounds a little strange? Like you've just announced that John McCain and Barack Obama will not, I repeat, will not be getting married to each other? Because if you didn't think that before, I certainly hope you're thinking about it now. Because it does. It SO does.

Oh, but the absolute best quote from this article comes from a one Tom Minnery, who is the senior vice president of the ridiculously conservative Christian group Focus on the Family. He says, "We wish it were a top issue -- it seems not to be."

The best part of that is that I'm sure that guy has no idea just how amusing it sounds, when talking about gay marriage, to say that he wishes it were "a top issue". Hil-arious.

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F-ing Matt Damon

As you're probably aware, everyone (just about) is F-ing Matt Damon. However, after hearing his political opinions that he voiced to the Associated Press on Wednesday, now I just think of him as "F-ing Matt Damon". Needless to say, I was not impressed.

Apparently, Matt was in Toronto during the aptly named Toronto Film Festival to promote something called ONEXONE which is a Canadian children's charity which will be expanding to the US. (From what their website looks like, ONEXONE does a fine job of holding benefits and letting self important celebrities talk to a bunch of people who also think that the celebrity is great. They also seem to hand out awards to themselves quite a bit. See, ONEXONE doesn't seems to actually DO the charity work, rather they seem to be the gathering place for about eight organizations that DO the actual work. How noble.) It is there that he felt the need to voice how he felt about Sarah Palin being the Vice Presidential nominee.

Well, it's about time! Haven't we all just been waiting around, pacing the halls, worrying ourselves sick wondering when, when, oh when will Matt Damon give us his opinion on the Presidential race? We haven't? No. We haven't. But even though we haven't been waiting to hear from Matt Damon, I'll give him a shot and listen to what he thinks about this. Who knows? Maybe I'll be surprised and he'll have something insightful and intelligent to say. Maybe he'll be able to back his concerns up with some actual facts that are real. And maybe a bunch of monkeys will fly right on out of my arse next Tuesday. Maybe, but not real likely.

He starts off by saying, "I think there's a really good chance that Sarah Palin could be President and I think that's a really scary thing." Does he know what she's not running for President? Let's see. He continues with, "Because I don't know anything about her. I don't think in eight weeks I'm going to know anything about her. I know that she was the mayor of a really, really small town. And she's governor of Alaska for, for less than two years. I just don't understand." I don't understand either. WTF, Matt?

It's unclear why he feels that he won't know anything about her in eight weeks. Perhaps he's planning on spending those eight weeks severely incapacitated under a rock? Is there a reason that he can't find out "anything about her" in eight weeks? You know, Matt, that Google thing that is up and running these days? Yeah, that thing is pretty handy. Perhaps give that a go and see if you can find out "anything about her" in eight weeks. Or do you have to have everything spoon fed to you by your people and no one can find a spoon? And how long would you like her to be governor of Alaska for so that you feel more comfortable? Weren't you in the Barry for President camp in 2004 when he had been a Senator for only two years? I thought so. Next.

"I think the pick was made for political purposes but in terms of governance, it's a disaster." Really, Matt? You think it was a move made for "political purposes"? During a political election? Really?! That's fascinating! I never would have thought that a "political purpose" would find it's way into an election. Wow. You're right, that is hard to understand. (If you're a moron.)

"You do the actuary tables, you know, and there's a one out of three chance, if not more, that McCain doesn't survive his first term and it'll be President Palin." I'm not going to do the actuary tables, but I am going to look at them and from the looks of the actuary tables at the US Social Security Administration (who are just waiting for people to drop dead), you should look at them also, Matt, because you're wrong. McCain just turned 72. He has an approximated average of 12.01 years of life left. (Remember, when it comes to approximating someone's lifespan, in the end, you're just guessing. No one knows. And for good reason.) Where do you get "one out of three" there, Matt? The chance that he kicks it in the next year is 3.2%. Did you get that pesky decimal place in the wrong column again? Did you think that reads 32%, Matt? It's 3.2%. Try and get your facts straight before you go on a rant next time, will you please?

"It's like a really bad Disney movie. You know, the hockey mom. I'm just a hockey mom from Alaska and she's the President! And it's like she's facing down Vladimir Putin. And using, you know, the folksy stuff she, you know, learned at the hockey rink, you know. It's just, it's absurd." Actually, that sounds like a pretty good Disney movie! And if you think about it, all of the movies that have just a regular guy somehow finding himself being the President one morning? Those movies turn out fine! The guy is a great President and everyone loves him! Geez, for an actor, you think you'd know these things, Matt. And Vladimir Putin? Are we at war with Russia? Why is she facing down Putin? What happened to Iran? Where's Im-A-Dinner-Jacket? Wow, if you listen to Matt Damon, the world is a much different place with a female vice president. Who knew?

"It's totally absurd and I don't understand why more people aren't talking about how absurd it is. The fact that we have gotten that far and that we're this close to it being a reality is crazy. I mean, does she, I need to know if she really thinks that dinosaurs were here 4,000 years ago. That's an important, I want to know that. I really do because she's going to have the nuclear codes, you know? I want to know if she thinks dinosaurs were here four thousand years ago. Or if she banned books or tried to ban books. I mean, you know, we can't, we can't have that." Wait. What?

And if she thought that dinosaurs were here 4,000 years ago (she doesn't, by the way. Oh, and Barry's not a Muslim either. Thought I'd better throw that in just in case.) that would be important because she will have nuclear codes? To...? For....? So....when she...goes back in time she can use the codes and kill all the dinosaurs so that we won't be stumbling over all of those pesky fossils any more? I don't get it. What does thinking that there were dinosaurs here 4,000 years ago (there weren't) have to do with having a nuclear code? I'm thinking nothing. Oh, wait! Is he implying that she would be crazy and then, as a result of her craziness, would just take the codes and just start nuking other countries for no reason? Sure. That would happen. Those two things go together. Sure.

And the book banning thing? Didn't happen, Matt. After hearing these outrageous stories, if you had taken just a little bit of time to do some research, Matt, you would have known these things. But this does explain why, in the next eight weeks, you still won't know anything about her. But please, please continue to give "interviews" to the Associated Press and voice your uninformed opinions which will then be reported and distributed as being "news". Sure, that will help.

You know, with all of Matt's "concern", it occurred to me that if he really seems to think that this is so close to becoming a reality, he must seem to think that McCain is really going to win this thing. That's a pretty good endorsement there, Matt. Do you know whose side your on? Didn't research that either, eh? That's a shame. OK, I'll give it to you one more time, but then you're on your own. It's called Google. Use it to look up some things and learn some things about Sarah Palin and then report back before election day in November and share what you've learned with the world. (Or do nothing and spend the next 6 weeks pacing up and down your hallway wondering if she thinks dinosaurs were here 4,000 years ago. Sure. That'll help.)

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John McCain's Mother Is ALIVE?!

Oh, relax. I'll chill out on McCain and his hot, hot, hot pick for Vice President in a little while. (Seriously, Sarah Palin is a different kind of smokin' hot. She almost makes me say, "Obama Girl who?" Almost. She's Obama Girl, for cryin' out loud, don't go expecting miracles or anything.) Actually, how about now? Well, not totally. But partially!

Look, I like John McCain's sense of humor just as much as the next person who can actually bring themselves to admit that the guy is freaking funny. (I'm not on the McCain bandwagon. I'm not on any wagon. Wagons are uncomfortable. I'm just saying the guy is funny.) Like before he announced he had chosen Gov. Palin to be his running mate and some reporter asked him who he had chosen. McCain deadpans back to the reporter, "Wilford Brimley." Come on, that is funny!

But I have to draw the line somewhere. And I'm drawing it here. This is something, no matter how funny he might think it is, that John McCain should never, ever do: fake a heart attack while you're out campaigning or shaking hands or doing anything, really. DON'T DO IT. Behold! The guy that might be the oldest President of the United States ever elected pretending as if he's having a heart attack!

Seriously. That's not good. And it's not good for several reasons. Some (most) of which are obvious. The most blatantly obvious one being that Grandpa John McCain is old. But come on, people, it's not like he's Methuselah or anything like that. The man just turned 72, not 102! Is 72 really thought of as that old? I mean, everyone is doing all of the "old jokes", so I guess it must seem old to a lot of people, but I guess it just doesn't seem like it's that old to me. (My Dad lived to be 82 and that didn't seem old at all. Then again, he's my Dad, so it could have been 102 and it wouldn't have been long enough for me.)

Maybe it's just perspective. Well, no, that can't be it because David Letterman (who has crafted some of the finest "He looks like the guy who...." jokes in all the land) is 61. 61 is a lot closer to 72 than it's, um, not closer to 72. Now, eleven years younger than 61 is 50 and that age difference sounds about the same as the difference between 61 and 72. But Jay Leno is 58. See, 58, which is 14 less than 72, sounds a heck of a lot younger than 72. And if you go 14 years younger than 58 and compare 44 years old to 58 years old, it still sounds a heck of a lot younger than 58. So I'm OK with Jay and anyone younger than him making the McCain-is-old jokes. But you're 61, Dave, so 72 is not THAT old. The two of you could call each other up to remind the other one that Wheel of Fortune is coming on, your ages seem that close together. (What am I talking about? Those "He looks like the guy who...." jokes are hil-arious. Keep making those, just knock off the other ones, maybe? Geez. Sorry about that. Lost my head there.)

If McCain wants to get rid of his old image, I have a suggestion or two for him. The first of which would be to stop making that old man sigh/grunt at the end of sentences. You know what I mean. It's the sound that old men make and it doesn't matter what they've just said, the old-man-sentence-ender completely negates any feeling that you were trying to convey with what you've just said and instantly transforms your spoken word into something that feels oddly hopeless. It's like this: "And we will WIN this war on TERROR! (pause 1 second) (low mumble, going slowly from a medium pitch to a lower pitch that trails off at the end) nnneeehhhhhhh......" It's very Grandpa Simpson-esque. And it's not good. All it does is scream, "I'm old! Get off of my lawn!"

But here's the clincher. Show a picture of John McCain next to his mother. Oh, stop it! His mother is still ALIVE! Yes! I swear. Roberta McCain is alive and well and seems to be doing just fine. Oh, and she's ninety freaking five, by the way. Behold! The ninety five year old mother of John McCain who was born in (Holy cow!) 1913!

Holy American Gothic. Really, is she what you picture when you think of someone who is ninety five? Of course she isn't. You're picturing someone like Mark Felt:

Or Senator Robert Byrd:

Or even the beloved Grandpa Simpson:

You're not picturing Roberta McCain:

John McCain might be 72, but I have a feeling that he isn't going to be going anywhere for a while. Especially not if his Mom is any indication of how things go in that family. (Holy canoli, 95? Are we sure about that?) Oh, and by the way...Wilford Brimley? Seventy THREE. McCain isn't looking so old NOW is he? I didn't think so. But Obama Girl is still looking pretty hot.

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Humor Me

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