That's Not A Doctor

I'm always amazed when I hear stories about fake doctors or dentists who have been operating a "practice" out of their garage or their kitchen or something like that. Someone trying to pretend that they're a doctor doesn't surprise me. People actually going to a fake doctor and seeing that their waiting room is a backyard patio and then sticking around for them to do their fake doctoring are the ones who amaze me. Because the way I see it, you can't be a successful fake doctor without at least a few willing participants. Take this dealio that happened in, naturally, Florida.

According to the Daily Mail, a one Oneal Ron Morris is accused of "...injecting a woman's bottom with cement, super glue and tyre sealant to give her a more 'shapely' rear". Wait a minute. How would those things give someone a better looking ass? Tire sealant? Is that Fix-A-Flat?! Just because someone has a flat ass doesn't mean that inflating it with a chemical sealant is going to work! And someone actually hired this guy? I can't imagine why. Maybe he just has one of those faces that you can trust. Yeah, maybe that's it. Oh. Wait. Here's a picture of him. Yeah, that's not it. Behold!
Hold on. That's a dude?! In what way is that a dude?! And if it is a guy, what is wrong with his ass?! Are we sure this is him? We are? Is there another picture just so we can be sure? There is? Behold!


Oh, well, that's not helping. Holy canoli, look at the size of that thing. That's not normal for a man OR a woman (or whatever that is). So let me get this straight. Someone goes to this "guy" for a butt enhancement. The allegedly male "doctor" comes out looking like this and the patient STILL goes through with it?! Are you kidding me?! WHY on earth would you let this individual do ANYTHING to you? If I were looking to have my buttocks enhanced (and I'm not, thanks) and this dude came walking out, I'd run out of his garage so fast. Wow. And I'm guessing that his "patient" is surprised that something went horribly wrong after her "procedure". I'm thinking that person can be anything but surprised. Surprise should be reserved for when one of these fake doctors does something like this and nothing overly bad happens. That's the surprising part.

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Say What?

Well. Yesterday, at the trial of Michael Jackson's doctor, a one Conrad Murray, the prosecution played some audio tapes of Jacko when he was kind of...well...out of it. It was probably due to his being under the influence of a particular sedative used for things like, say, when people are having brain surgery. (It could also be used to sedate any number of uptight rhinocerii. The point here is that it's strong.) Seriously, it's pretty sad. You can barely understand the guy. It's not so much like you're hearing him from beyond the grave as much as it is that you're hearing him from in the grave. It sure sounds muffled. And while I'm not here (just yet) to pass judgment on the guy, I am going to say that if you know anyone who is in the condition that Michael Jackson was in, you should probably do a little bit more for that person than to tape their barely coherent little screeds. See for yourself. There's some of the audio (and don't worry about understanding it because it's transcribed) below. And if it doesn't load, click here.

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Brand X

Just because a procedure is performed and isn't done in the typical "normal" fashion, does that mean that someone else gets to sue because of it? I mean, if the outcome was, for all intents and purposes, essentially the same as it would have been if things were done according to the book, why would you sue? Because you're hypersensitive and think that you'll get a big payday. Hopefully, in this instance, that will prove to be wrong.

Here's the story according to those smoky folks over there at The Smoking Gun. It seems that a one 47-year old hairdresser, a Mrs. Ingrid Paulicivic, went to a doctor for a hysterectomy. The doctor, a one 50-year old Dr. Red Alinsod, performed the procedure for her. When returning to Dr. Alinsod's office for a follow-up appointment, she asked him about some small burn marks that she noticed on her thighs. He told her that it was nothing to worry about. See, what had happened was that after he had removed her uterus, he used some sort of a cauterizing tool to brand her name onto her removed organ and she must have suffered some minor burns in the process. That's all. Wait. He did what?

Correct. He took her uterus out and then branded her name, Ingrid, onto the removed uterus. Everything about this story has a question attached to it, so I'll try and keep up with any that you may have racing through your head right now. If you're wondering if this is some sort of obscure medical procedure, let me assure you that it is not. The good doctor claims that his reason for branding the uterus with the woman's name was because he “did not want to get it confused with others.” And usually what they do, instead of all of the burning of patient's names in recently removed body part, is to write the patient’s name "... on an accompanying blue sterile towel or a sterile piece of wood like a tongue depressor." Uh-huh. I see. Yeah, there's not way that you could get confused and think to do it the other way. Hmm.

I really cannot figure out what the big deal is. I mean, her uterus was removed, correct? Correct. What in the hell does she care what he does with it when she's done with it? I can understand being a little upset that the guy apparently mishandled his uterine carving tool and slightly burned her thighs. That I get. But I would I be suing over it? Hardly. You know what else I wouldn't be suing for? Loss of consortium, that is correct.

See, she's a married woman. And her husband, Joe Paulicivic, claims that he has been “permanently injured and damaged” due to the resulting loss of consortium with his wife." Hmm. Dude, she had her uterus taken out. I would expect that there might be a little loss of consortium just from that alone, but I don't really know. Can anyone help me with this one? Gerard? You seem to have a variety of sexual endeavors. Ever done it with someone who was sans uterus? What's that like? (By the way, that's Mr. Paulicivic over there on the left. Perhaps if he lost the big cross medallion, he might find himself more consortiable. I'm just saying.)

All of the logistics aside, how do small burns on your wife's thighs prevent you from getting all consortium-y with her? I don't think that they do. This whole lawsuit is obviously pointless. And if you'd like to read the filing and decide for yourself, you may do so by clicking here. Look, I don't know why the doctor did what he did, but he wasn't hurting anyone. What was going to happen to that uterus after it was taken out of commission? It gets thrown away, right? So, who the hell cares if it gets thrown away with her name on it or not? It's not like he was feeding it to the stray cats in the alley out back. But even if he was, would that be so bad? Sure, it would be disgusting (for some reason), but would it hurt anyone? No, of course not.

I just don't get people like this. You're not entitled to any money there, cupcake. And neither are you, Mr. Cupcake. Just go back to whatever you were doing before all of the suing and knock it off. Try a little consortium. Maybe that will help.

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Is That A Burrito In Your Pants Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

I almost hesitate to start off with a quote from the article over there at WFTV.com in (of course) Orlando, Flori-duh. I mean, it sums things up really well, but I don't know if I can do any better than what they've already wrote. Some acts are hard to follow and this might just be one of them. I guess I'd better suck it up and give it a shot. Here we go...Today we learned that "The Brevard County doctor who was arrested for groping a woman while dressed as Captain America with a burrito in his pants will not go to jail." See what I mean?

Wait. Captain America? With a...a...burrito? Was it? I don't know that I really want to know, but I know that I really have to ask. What in the hell was he doing with a burrito in his pants? Was it a snack for later? Good Lord, I certainly hope not. Let's continue and see if we can noodle this one through, shall we?

The article that I linked to is rather brief. It does say, however, that "...Doctor Raymond Adamcik will take part in a diversion program for first time offenders". There is a program for people dressed like superheroes with a south-of-the-border delicacy cradled within their undergarments?! Don't get me wrong. Those people are definitely in need of some sort of program. I'm just stunned that one exists, is all. What do you call that, anyway? Never mind. I'm not sure that any of us really want to know.

The circumstances are a bit vague if I'm just referring to that article as well. And really, the circumstances that are cited raise more questions than they seem to answer. When I read, "Adamcik was arrested in April during a bar crawl for medical professionals", I really want to know more. Not much more, but more. For instance, what sort of medical professionals go on a bar crawl dressed as wacky superheroes? That seems like a fairly relevant question for one to pose, doesn't it?

I did find another story over at WFTV.com that gave a few more details on what in the world went on in the first place (which was in 2007, by the way. Why this has taken so long is beyond me.). See, "Everything was fine until...Captain America started getting too forward with a burrito he kept tucked inside his blue tights." The fact that he was there at all with a burrito in his pants, regardless as to which defender of truth, justice and the American way he was dressed as, really doesn't indicate everything was fine.

And it went from "not fine" to "effing weird" really quickly. The doctor (yes, he's really a doctor) "...was asking women if they want to touch it. When one refused, he allegedly took out the burrito and groped her." Ah, yes. The ol' "Wanna touch my burrito?" pick up line. I'm surprised it ended as poorly as it did. Seems like such a winner.

After the woman called the police, there was kind of a problem. See, "...there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at the time, all Captain America's were asked to go outside for a possible identification." It's not likely he would have been able to get away with it, as "The woman pointed out Adamcik and the burrito was found in his boot." In his boot?! What the hell kind of boots does Captain America have where you can shove a burrito in them? What else was in there? Did they find any chalupas? (No, that's not a euphemism.) While I don't know about the chalupas, I do know that I found a mugshot of Captain Gordita Grundle there. Behold!

Charming. Do we have it in color? Maybe a little closer up? Of course we do. Behold!
It still isn't clear why it took three years to resolve, but the article did state that after the arrest "Adamcik was checking himself into a rehab program ". There are rehab programs for something like this?! For reals?? Then again, I guess if there are rehab programs for made up crap like sex addiction, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that there are rehab programs for tucking Mexican delicacies within the coverings of one's nether regions. I shouldn't be surprised. But I kind of am. Just a little bit. A little.

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You Are Here. Now Call 911

Speaking of liars, a lot of stuff coming out about the whole Michael Jackson death is proving to be false. About the only thing that seems to be for certain is that he's dead. Oh, and that his Dad is an A-hole. Other than those two things, it's hard to tell what's true and what isn't. But it's not hard to tell when something doesn't make sense. That doctor that was there when Michael stopped breathing? Yeah, he's not making a whole lot of sense.

I'm referring to a one Dr. Conrad Murray. He was the guy who was there when Michael stopped breathing. For some reason (and I'm thinking it's a reason other than the one that he's giving) it took the guy almost 25-30 minutes to call 911. Why so long? According to ABC News, Dr. Murray said that "...none of the phones in the home (were) working "for privacy reasons" and he "...tried to dial 911 on his cell phone but did not have the exact address of Jackson's home." Um, what?

None of the phones worked? What? I suppose that would be fairly easy to ascertain as to whether or not it's true, thus it would be one of the stupidest lies that someone could come up with if they were actually lying (which I'm not saying that he is) about something like that.

But the 911 thing? Now that I have a problem with. According to a one Matt Alford, an attorney who is representing Dr. Murray, as quoted by the Associated Press, " He didn't know where he was, didn't know the physical address. There was no land line, no phone in Jackson's room that would have allowed him to call. It was all happening so fast." Wait. What now?

How did you get yourself to work every day, sir? Hadn't you been working for him for a while? At least a month, if I recall other reports correctly. You didn't know where you were driving yourself to every day? I know that he drove himself there because the LAPD towed his car the evening of Michael's death. How could you not know the address?

The article also cites Mr. Alford as saying that "doesn't know how long Murray performed CPR on the singer before rushing downstairs to find someone to call 911."

I'm really not trying to second guess the guy in this situation. After all, he allegedly just found Michael Jackson not breathing. Sounds stressful. But why wouldn't you yell for someone? Why would you leave him there to go and find someone? THAT I don't get.

"The first person Murray encountered was the chef, who then got one of Jackson's security guards. The security guard went with Murray to Jackson's room."

So....wait. He goes wherever in the house and finds the chef. Rather than having the chef call 911 or telling the chef to get someone to help him up in the room or asking the chef what the address is, he hangs out or whatever until the chef shows up with a security guard and THEN he goes back to the room? Why did he wait? If the chef was going to get someone else, why didn't he go back up to the room and resume doing CPR? That doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Again, I realize it's a stressful situation, but this guy is a cardiologist. You'd think that they'd be able to handle some stress.

According to Dr. Murray and his attorney, Dr. Murray was performing CPR on Michael and had the security guard call 911. WHY he wouldn't have called 911 AS he was running around to find someone so that they could tell him the address is beyond me. Even if I'm going to believe his story of he didn't know the address (and I don't think I'm believing that at all right now) why he wouldn't have called 911 as soon as possible from his cell phone and handed it to the chef or the security guard when he got there doesn't make any sense. It seems like a lot of time was wasted with this guy doing whatever it was that he was doing.

When you listen to the 911 tapes, the 911 operator asks the person who called (presumably the security guard) where Jackson is and the security guard tells him that he's on the bed. CPR is supposed to be performed on a solid surface. That's why at that point the 911 operator instructs the guy to get Jackson (whom he didn't know was Michael Jackson at that moment) on the floor. Why wouldn't a cardiologist already have him on the floor? If he was doing CPR for whatever amount of time it was (before he decided he should find someone to tell him the freaking address or the house he drove himself to that day,) why in the world was he doing it with him still on the bed? That doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

Although, if the doctor had something to do with why it was that Michael stopped breathing in the first place, then his behavior seems a bit more understandable. Again, pure speculation, but if someone were to administer a medication to someone else and that other person suddenly stopped breathing, your first instinct, depending on how big of an a-hole you were, might be to run around and get rid of anything that could possibly connect you with being partly responsible for the other person's death, should it come to that. That sort of situation might cause one to forget how to do CPR procedures correctly. Perhaps it could even cause one to forget the address of where they had gone to work that morning. Who knows?

While I can understand all of the people that are saying that Michael Jackson wasn't hooked on prescription drugs or painkillers, it seems highly unlikely that they're telling the truth. Go back to 1993 when Michael cut a tour short and announced that he was going to go into "treatment" somewhere for an addiction to painkillers. You never heard a word about it after that, though he did disappear from public view for about a month (even though treatment was supposed to take about 8 weeks). That was in 1993. Fast forward to 2005 where court documents detailing his financial situation for some court case he was involved in give an example of some of his bills: "...a charge of $62,600 from the Mickey Fine Pharmacy, in Beverly Hills". That covered the two prior years worth of prescriptions filled. Then fast forward to 2007 where Jackson is sued by that very same pharmacy because they claimed that he had made his last payment to them in mid-2005 for prescriptions filled over last two years. In 2007, that lawsuit claimed he was once again behind and that he owed them $101,926.66 for prescriptions filled. So the difference between the amount of prescriptions filled between 2003-2005 and 2005-2007 was around 61%. From $62,600 to $101,926.66. That doesn't sound like someone without some sort of a dependency on something.

I don't know what went on there that afternoon, but I do know if the doctor's story is that he didn't call 911 right away because he "didn't know where he was" that it raises more questions that it answers. (One of those questions being how in the world someone so dense was able to become a doctor in the first place?) If the toxicology reports come back and there isn't anything abnormal in Michael's system, I will be shocked. (Who are two of his closest friends? Liza Minnelli and Liz Taylor. They've been known to overindulge in the feel good substances from time to time. Like 1968-2004.) My bets are on at least three different narcotics. Oh, I totally hope that isn't the case, but it's not looking like it is. Not from present behavior and not from past lawsuits.

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