Fifty Shades Of Surprises

Remember back when I 'reviewed' Fifty Shades of Grey, the women's erotic novel (one of three!) that is sweeping the nation? Well, Saturday Night Live did a parody commercial of that book and the whole phenomenon that has developed over it. It's absolutely hilarious. It's probably not appropriate to watch around small children (unless you really want to have a discussion about what the "microphone" really is). It might not be safe to watch at work, but it was on network TV (albeit at 11:30 at night on a Saturday), so I'll just let you make that decision. But safe for work or not does in no way detract from the fact that it's hilarious. And probably true. Behold! (If it doesn't play, try clicking here.)

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E! Channel Presents...

Last night, Saturday Night Live covered Kim Kardashian's 72-day marital union. It was highly amusing (which is why I've included it below). I was really glad that they at least touched on the fact that Bruce Jenner's face never moves. (Where are all of these celebrities finding the worst plastic surgeons ever? Down by the docks? In a van down by the river? All of them look permanently surprised.) And when you watch it and it seems really bizarre and comical, it becomes even more so on both counts when you realize that it's really not too far from the truth. It's practically a documentary.

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Top 10 List of Memorable Quotes You Will Soon Forget

The folks over there at the Yale Book of Quotations have compiled a list of the Top 10 Quotes of 2008. In other news, there is a Yale Book of Quotations. And the number one quote was something that wasn't said by the person who was supposed to have said it and the person who did say it isn't really that person. Did you catch all that? If not, don't worry, it will all make sense by the end of this post. (And if it doesn't make sense by then, I don't know what to tell you. I didn't say it was a magic post.)

Now, although it's a "Top Ten" list, there are three quotes that tied for tenth. I am not a fan of the tie; neck or things that are the same. I find it odd that it was the last spot on the list that they had trouble narrowing down the final candidates for. They just couldn't bear to leave at least two of those three off of the list. Let's see if they did the right thing (I'm guessing they did not).

• Number 10: "Anyone who says we're in a recession, or heading into one, especially the worst one since the Great Depression, is making up his own private definition of 'recession.' Those words of incorrect wisdom from commentator Donald Luskin on September 14. Oh, and that was the day right before Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy. You know, because of the recession that we're not having.
  
  
• Number 10 - AGAIN: "Cash for trash." That came from Paul Krugman on the topic of the bailout of the financial companies on Sept. 22.
  
  
• Number 10 - YET AGAIN: "There are no atheists in foxholes and there are no libertarians in financial crises." That's Paul Krugman again. (Did he compile this list? They had to have two quotes by the same guy tie for Number Ten??) He was being interviewed by Bill Maher for HBO's "Real Time" which was aired on Sept. 19

OK, nothing personal Yale Book of Quotations That We Never Knew Existed Guys, but those kind of sucked. I know they were Number Ten and all, but they weren't great. They were far from memorable. I mean, all I'm going to remember is that they kind of sucked and somehow I don't think that's what you had in mind.

• Number 9: "Barack, he's talking down to black people. ... I want to cut his nuts off." That was July 6 when Rev. Jesse Jackson learned that he should always make sure his mike isn't live before he starts making comments that he think won't be heard on the air at Fox News.

Now we're talking! That was memorable! Next!

• Number 8: "I'll see you at the debates, bitches." How hot was Paris Hilton when she made that video in response to one of John McCain's TV ads for his campaign. Probably pretty hot, but only because it was in August.


• Number 7: "Maybe 100." That was John McCain on Jan. 3. Would you like to take a guess as to what he was referring to? No, not his age. He was speculating at the number of years that US troops could continue to remain in Iraq. (Ouch!)


• Number 6: "Decisions by the Secretary pursuant to the authority of this Act are non-reviewable and committed to agency discretion, and may not be reviewed by any court of law or any administrative agency." Allow me to translate that: When the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act was proposed by the Treasury Department in Sept. 2008, what they were saying was one guy will be in charge of the $700 billion and he can do with it whatever he wants and no one can say any different, including the Federal Government or the Supreme Court. (Be prepared to see that quote in the list of Top Ten Most Frightening Quotes of 2008 when it comes out.)


• Number 5: "The fundamentals of America's economy are strong." What would have been even more memorable after John McCain said that during an interview with folks at Bloomberg TV on April 17 would have been if he had explained himself instead of letting people think he was a moron for saying that. What he was saying was and is correct. America's economy has a solid foundation. That doesn't mean it won't falter. But the fundamentals of what builds our economy are strong. You just don't say things like that when every other house in the country is being foreclosed on. And you don't do that because why? Because you'll look like an idiot, that is correct.
  
  
• Number 4: "It's not based on any particular data point, we just wanted to choose a really large number." Why, yes! I did mock that particular quote in an earlier post! Anything that ridiculous deserves to be mocked (and by people who are a lot better at it than I am). That little gem was brought to us by Forbes.com on Sept. 23. Now if Forbes.com would only do a follow up article explaining what else they do over at the Treasury Department that seems to involve little more than throwing a bunch of darts at a board with big numbers on it. (I hear they take shots at a pinata when they're trying to figure out what to do with the prime interest rate.)
  

• Number 3: "We have sort of become a nation of whiners." That was one of John McCain's former economic advisers, former Sen. Phil Gramm as quoted on July 10 in The Washington Times. (Number 3 Most Memorable Follow Up Question: "SORT OF?!?!?")

• Number 2: "All of them, any of them that have been in front of me over all these years." OK, that one was pretty good! A one Governor Sarah Palin was describing what newspapers and magazines she reads after she was asked the question by Katie Couric during an interview in which Gov. Palin seemed barely able to utter a coherent sentence, as evidenced by the quote above. The cringe-worthy interview was aired on Oct. 1.
  
  

• And finally, the Number One Memorable Quote for 2008 is: "And I can see Russia from my house!" Ah...the brilliance of comedy imitating life. That was a very funny one Tina Fey during the first Saturday Night Live skit where she played Gov. Sarah Palin opposite a very funny one Amy Poehler in the role of Sen. Hillary Clinton. Fey/Palin was responding to the Poehler/Clinton statement, "I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy." That instant classic aired on NBC on Sept. 13, but you can view it below. The Number One Memorable Quote for 2008 appears right around 1:25 into the classic bit.
  
  

And those are the Top Ten Memorable Quotes for 2008. "Can you believe it, Hillary?"

"I can-not!"

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Vice Presidential Debates And Parlor Games

Oooh, oooh, oooh! Just in time! Plenty of time before the debate tonight to get in on this one. Finally! Someone has come up with a way to, at the very least, help people to try to focus on what is being said during the debate. Let's face it, most politicians? Windbags. Old, boring, pasty white windbags. And what do windbags do best? That's right, they blow wind. Cliche filled wind, usually. "Would that it were." "The war in Iraq." "Weapons of mass destruction." "Is it over yet?" OK, that last one was mine, but you know what I mean.

The folks (or folk, really. I know nothing about them and the site only popped up a few days ago from what I can tell, and that's not very much either.) over at Palin Bingo have come up with a grand idea to keep people interested in the debate without having to get face-planted drunk via some collegiate drinking game format. The guys over at Times of the Internet say that "Palin Bingo is the latest craze to the sweep the Internet. Trundle on over to the new Palin Bingo website in order to learn the rules to play yourself." And so I did just that. It was exciting. I'd never trundled before.

The concept and the rules are simple (as the term "bingo" would imply already). Each player receives their own Palin Bingo card. Instead of the usual bingo numbers, the Palin Bingo card is filled with terms that it is assumed she is likely to utter at some point during the debate. Whenever the Governor of Alaska (that would be Sarah Palin for those of you who are new to consciousness) says one of those words or phrases, you mark off that box. Get five in a row going up or down, across or diagonal, and you win!

They even included a center space that you get to check off automatically. But instead of calling it the 'FREE' space like in traditional bingo (because really, nothing having to do with any politician is ever 'free'), they call it the 'Air Space'. I don't know if that's supposed to be a play on the term 'Air Head', but it is clever. And there's a lovely picture of Sarah Palin right there in the Air Space. You know, just in case you forget who you're supposed to be listening to. Or to give you something pleasant to look at when Joe Biden is speaking.

And if you'd like to see more words or phrases added to these cards, they even provide you with a blank Palin Bingo card so that you can make your own! So I did. Because I started thinking about it and if you've seen Tina Fey do Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live, you know that the similarity in their appearance is remarkable. And if you've seen Tina Fey do Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live, you know that the similarity in their speaking ability is almost zero. What if they try and substitute Sarah Palin with Tina Fey? (You know, sort of a last ditch effort for something. I don't know what exactly. I hadn't thought my hair brained conspiracy theory out that far. But it would be funny! I did think of that!) You're still going to want to play bingo, aren't you? Of course you are. So I came up with a bingo card just in case Tina Fey gets slipped into the mix some how. (And if Sarah Palin utters any of the items on my card, it's going to be a hellaciously amusing four years in the White House if her and McCain get elected.)

Those guys thought of everything. How come I'm not thinking of things like this? Oh. Right. Too busy wiping up drool. Got it.

Anything that can keep people watching something that has the potential to be informative in regard to their decision at the polls in November is a good thing. If it still doesn't do it for you, then by all means, add some alcohol to the mix. Because really, being drunk around election time? Not so bad. Being drunk when it's not election time? Still not so bad.

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Will The Real Sarah Palin Please Stand Up?

Once again, Tina Fey took on the role of Sarah Palin for a Saturday Night Live sketch. And once again, it was awesome. Tina Fey has Sarah Palin's moves and mannerisms and speech patterns down perfectly. (Really, the only one better than Tina Fey last night was Amy Poehler as Katie Couric. She had the total Katie look and must have worked for quite some time to get the "doe in the headlights" disbelieving, eye blinking down pat. I was convinced that she really thought that Tina Fey was Sarah Palin and that Sarah Palin was crazy. Eh, actually, after hearing the real Katie Couric interview the real Sarah Palin last week, I think we all feel that way, so it probably wasn't that hard to master.)

Fey has said that she wants to "be done playing this woman by Nov. 5". Since the election is on the 4th, I'll let you figure out which candidate Tina Fey supports. (I'll give you a hint. He's not a Muslim.) But if she does decide to stop playing Sarah Palin, there are others who could take over.

Meet Maine TV anchor Cindy Michael. (She's the one on the right.)

Now she, like Tina Fey, bears a striking resemblance to Sarah Palin. So much so that, according to Boston.com, ever since Grandpa John McCain announced that Palin would be his VP candidate, Michael "has been getting 'hate mail and nasty phone calls' from viewers recently who accuse her of copying the look of Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin." Huh? Did she look like that before anyone other than the residents of Wasilla, the crystal meth capital of Alaska, knew who Sarah Palin was? I'm guessing that she did. Had the people who were taking time out of their busy schedule (from yelling at kids to get off of their lawn) and taking time to write hate mail about Michael's appearance ever seen her newscast before? You'd think that they'd remember something like that. It makes me think that Maine should really be bigger, because obviously people are running out of things to do in such a confined area.

But what I found equally odd was Michael's response to these crazed defenders of Far West Fashion. "It's really just a huge coincidence," Michaels says about the similarity. Well of course it's a coincidence. What in the hell else would it be? A conspiracy? What is that supposed to mean?!

And if it was a conspiracy, it would be a far reaching one, as there are a bunch of other people who resemble Sarah Palin. This must be a popular look these days. Kind of like when half of the country cut their hair to look like Rachel when 'Friends' was on TV. The only difference is that when everyone was sporting the Rachel-do, I noticed. I have yet to notice a massive crowd of Sarah Palin look-alikes. Not even one. I keep thinking that I will (especially at the grocery store because she has sort of a grocery checker look. She'd be the speedy one working the 15 Items or Less line.), but I never do. I must be the only one though, because look at all of the people who are out there who look like Sarah Palin (or who Sarah Palin looks like. Chicken. Egg. You decide.).

One person whom I've never heard of who looks like Sarah Palin is Lisa Loeb, the clandestine folk singer. But there are others who you've actually heard of who would be better at the job than this chick.

There's always Julia Louis-Dreyfus from the Seinfeld days of yore and the "New Adventures of Old Christine" days of now. Julia's been sporting the sexy beehive for years and still looks excellent while doing so. Julia used to be a member of the Saturday Night Live cast as well, so she'd be a fabulous choice to take over in case Tina Fey jumps ship. And she's hot. (That's very important! You'll understand how and why later. When you're older.)

Then there's Gina Gershon of the very steamy and very lesbian-y film Bound. She did a video for the folks over there at Funny or Die where you played Sarah Palin. So she already has experience. AND she's good at kissing other women. (Oh, you know you want that to play a part in this Presidential race some how. Admit it. I have.) She would be another excellent choice.

Some think that Diane Keaton in the film "On Thin Ice" resembles Palin. Others think that those who think Diane Keaton in "On Thin Ice" resembles Palin, are on crack. She doesn't. She does look a step or two away from the part of 'naughty librarian'. But Sarah Palin? Only if the other four I've mentioned get hit by a bus.

But if all five of them were hit by a bus, the last resort would be for Saturday Night Live to just spend five or six minutes showing this cornfield in Ohio where a farmer had a likeness of Sarah Palin carved/stomped into the crops. It's a little scary, but it really does look like her. That has to be a marketable talent for the guy who does that sort of thing. I don't imagine he's going to get rich off of it though. There are definitely a very limited number of cornfields available for one to mash in the likenesses of political candidates. I mean, it's nice and all, but we do need corn.

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