I'm In The Wrong Business

I am clearly in the wrong business.  What I should be doing to make my fortune is to find some sort of vapid celebrity to endorse a product that is probably worth no more than fifty cents and then turn around and sell said product for twenty-five dollars.  And if things go really well, I'll be able to sell some of those items without any celebrity endorsement.  That's right.  My other ridiculous marketing ploy will have worked so well that I'll just be able to crank out crap and have people buy it for no other reason that it's from the same place that sells the crap that that one celebrity endorses.  Let's see...I'm going to need a cheap product.  Oooh!  Oooh!  I know!  Lollipops!  Perfect.  Now I just need my vapid celebrity.  Oooh!  Oooh!  I know!  Kim Kardashian!  Perfect.  She's the queen of vapid.  (OK, I concur that we'll probably have to explain to "the queen" what vapid means, but that's really neither here nor there.)  No.  No.  That's too stupid.  That would never work.  Who would pay twenty five dollars for a single lollipop?  (You see where this is going, right?) 

Apparently there is a place called Couture Pops and they sell ridiculously priced items.  One of those items, you guessed it, is lollipops.  But not just ordinary lollipops!  Oh, wait.  Yeah, never mind.  They are ordinary lollipops.  The stick-ular area seems to be adorned with some sort of baubles.  And there also appears to be a clear plastic, protective case for the actual licking area of the lollipop.  Other than that, they're regular lollipops.  Regular lollipops that go for twenty-five dollars.  Behold!

OK, I know you can't really see the lollipop, so here's a close up.  Behold! 

Just remember:  Twenty-five bucks.  But it's not just Kim Kardashian who is endorsing these things.  There's also a Britney Spears lollipop.  Behold! 

 Here's a lollipop endorsed by Mel B of the Spice Girls (and long ago fame): 

What about a lollipop endorsed by Nicole Scherzinger (recently fired from American X Factor and from the yesterday fame of the Pussycat Dolls):

 Need a lollipop endorsed by The Situation from Jersey Shore?  They've got you covered, moron. 

 What about one endorsed by Hello Kitty?  Here it is! 

Do you see how asinine this is?!  They're all essentially the same thing.  And that "thing" is a lollipop!  Who endorses it doesn't give it a special hidden value!   Hello Kitty isn't even a real cat, for cryin' out loud!  How do you justify that?  (Oh, it's so expensive because it's endorsed by a fake, yet wildly popular in Japan, feline character that pre-teen girls find whimsical.  That'll be twenty-five dollars, please.)  Seriously, I don't know if I can make my brain become so soft that I would actually think up something this ridiculous and that would actually make money.  That there are people out there that can figure out that there is a market for twenty-five dollar lollipops that all look the same except for the celebrity du jour who endorses them is just astounding to me.  Simply astounding. 

Sphere: Related Content

3 Awesome Grandmas

Turns out that while everyone seems to have heard that Kim Kardashian made a sex tape (that launched her into an inexplicable career that no one can define, but that continues to net her millions of dollars each year through her numerous television shows that no one can define either), not everyone has seen it.  I mean, of course I haven't seen it.  I would never do such a thing!  Nope.  Not me.  Uh-uh.  Wait.  Where was I?  Oh, right.  People other than me who haven't seen the sex tape.  It turns out that there are three older women out there and two of them hadn't seen it either.  But the third one had! As she filled the other two in on a little bit of what she had witnessed, they became a little more than intrigued.  Once they found out that it could be found on the Internet, the laptop came out and the viewing began!  And so did the commentary.  That's where the hilarity comes from.  These women are awesome.  I have the feeling that they've seen their share of stuff in their life.  Who hasn't?  This video only shows the three awesome ladies.  It does not show Kim or Ray J or anything that they do and any sort of foul language is bleeped out.  I'll let you decide from that description if this is a safe for work thing.  I guess it could be NSFW, but everything is just implied, so I don't know if that counts at where you work.  But if it does and you can't watch it there, please watch it when you get home.  You won't be sorry. 

Sphere: Related Content

E! Channel Presents...

Last night, Saturday Night Live covered Kim Kardashian's 72-day marital union. It was highly amusing (which is why I've included it below). I was really glad that they at least touched on the fact that Bruce Jenner's face never moves. (Where are all of these celebrities finding the worst plastic surgeons ever? Down by the docks? In a van down by the river? All of them look permanently surprised.) And when you watch it and it seems really bizarre and comical, it becomes even more so on both counts when you realize that it's really not too far from the truth. It's practically a documentary.

Sphere: Related Content

72 Days Of Cluelessness

Let's start off November with Kim Kardashian, shall we? Well, you and I will be starting November off with Kim Kardashian. Kris Humphries on the other hand, will not. Kim, as you may or may not be aware, is famous for being famous and has parlayed that oddly established fame into somewhat of a money machine. At her wedding just a mere 72 days ago, she actually made money on the nuptials as all of the businesses and people that do weddings wanted to essentially sponsor the grand event. But here's the kicker: After 72 days of wedded bliss, Kim has decided that she's had enough and has filed for divorce. 72 days. That's all she could muster up. Just a little over two months. On one hand, it's hardly impressive. On the other hand, it's pretty impressive. Her last marriage lasted four years. To give up on this one after barely nine weeks is definitely something.

The rumor mill (aka TMZ) claims that the reasoning behind the divorce is that her soon to be ex-husband, a one Kris Humphries, wanted to live in Minnesota and she wanted to stay in Los Angeles (to further her 'career', whatever it is). Call me crazy, but shouldn't they have maybe talked about this before all of the getting married took place? But here's my favorite part: Kim issued this statement about the marriage: "After careful consideration, I have decided to end my marriage. I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision. I had hoped this marriage was forever, but sometimes things don’t work out as planned. We remain friends and wish each other the best.” OK, look, I don't think that you can say that you had hoped it was "forever" when you didn't even make it to Thanksgiving. Seriously, my Halloween pumpkin is going to have a longer shelf life than that sham of a marriage did. Forever? Please.

I'm also quite fond of "...sometimes things don't work out as planned". But that was the problem, cupcake. You didn't plan for anything. You planned to stay in Los Angeles and he planned to live in Minnesota. That's not much of a plan when it comes to a marriage. In fact, that's the opposite of a plan. I also don't buy the part about how it "...was not an easy decision". Of course it was an easy decision. Not an easy decision would be being married for twenty years and then having to decide if you're going to get divorced. I'm thinking that only being married for 72 days would make it really easy. ("Eh. Whatever. It's not like I wasted a lot of time on this marriage. I say I move on. Wow. That was an easy decision. Next!")

Uber-superficial people like the Kardashians amaze me. Don't get me wrong. Kim has done a fabulous job of building up brand name recognition for the Kardashians in general. Maybe she's a genius business woman. Then again, maybe she's just hot and she knows how to work it. I'm voting on the latter. And I'm also hoping that her failed marriage will send her into hiding for a while. Ah, but to dream....

Sphere: Related Content

Which Will Last Longer?

I didn't have any Internet last night (it was like living in Darfur), so my apologies for today's lateness. Now, in case you've been living under a rock somewhere (and really, I would have rather been under that rock with you), you know that Kim Kardashian got married over the weekend to some basketball guy who spells his name like a girl (Kris). Behold!

Yeah, that's not a wedding picture because they sold the "exclusive" rights to their wedding photos to People magazine. So, there's that to look forward to. Or not. But here's where you, the reader, come in. I have a question for you: Which will last longer? Kris and Kim's wedded, blissful union....or this bag of spinach salad that I have in my refrigerator. Behold!

I haven't decided what the winners will get. Maybe the salad. It should still be good then, right?

Sphere: Related Content