She Won't Win, Old Man

Well. Pretty much, I can't stress enough how glad I am that we did not elect Old Man McCain as President and instead went with now-President Barry. Who knew that McCain would turn out to be as delusional as I think he might have proven himself to be yesterday? (Don't get me wrong. I don't think that the guy is senile or anything like that. But I was never fully convinced about how in tact all of his critical thinking faculties really were. I have a much better idea now and the answer is "not entirely".)

It's pretty easy to see. Here's what went down": McCain was on something called "Fox News Sunday" yesterday and was asked if former almost-half-of-a-term governor of Alaska, the super hot Sarah Palin, could beat Barack Obama in a 2012 Presidential election. Let's not forget that Palin was McCain's running mate in 2008. Let's also not forget that they lost fairly handily. President Barry won with about 66% of the vote. I know that from all of the pre-election hooplah with how he was supposed to be our savior and all that you would have thought that it would have been around 96%. But still, 66% of the vote is a pretty good ass-whooping.

According to the Political Ticker blog over yonder at CNN, McCain responded "Of course she can. She can. Now, whether she will or not, whether she'll even run or not, I don't know...But she certainly is a major factor and I believe she can be very competitive." Wait. Those...those are just a bunch of words and I'm not sure that they make a lot of sense. Let's break that down a little bit and try to figure out what's going on there.

So he starts out stating "Of course she can. She can." Sooo...is he saying that it was HIM who was the problem in 2008? Because if I had to pick an office for Sarah Palin to be in, I sure as hell would rather have her as a Vice President than the freaking President. It's nothing personal, but she just doesn't have the knowledge that she would need to be President. You could have someone who is comatose for your Veep and it'd be all right. Look at Joe Biden. He looks barely conscious most of the time and I'm perfectly OK with that. If he was President though, I'd be moving to Canada, America's Hat.

So McCain has just stated that Sarah Palin can win against Barack Obama. Then, in the very next sentence, he says "...whether she will or not... I don't know." What does that even mean? He's not even a sentence removed from saying that she can win before he says that he doesn't know if she will win?! That's not flip-flopping. That's putting your opinion in a blender and watching it go 'round and 'round really fast and when it stops, it ends up resembling nothing like what you shoved in there in the first place. He JUST said he thought that she could win! I guess it's the little things that start to go first.

And what's all this about her being a "major factor"? A major factor in...what? Yeah, a lot of people like her. I get that. She's very likable. (Even if you don't personally like her, you can't argue that she's not likable. She is. You might not agree with some of the things that she says (like if she insists that it's Tuesday when it's really Friday), but she's likable.) But what is she a major factor of? An election? Her own candidacy? I don't know what that means. Could her endorsement of a Republican candidate help boost that individual to a victory over President Barry? I doubt it. If it could, then Old Man McCain would be President right now. If you can't boost the guy on your own ticket into office, good luck doing it with someone else.

Seriously, if McCain is this delusional, not just about Sarah Palin becoming President, but about Sarah Palin beating President Barry in the next election, then we really dodged a bullet with that guy. Again, I like John McCain. But it won't take many more statements like that one for him to go from being the aging Senator of Arizona to that doddering old man in the desert. I'm just saying.

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Top 10 List of Memorable Quotes You Will Soon Forget

The folks over there at the Yale Book of Quotations have compiled a list of the Top 10 Quotes of 2008. In other news, there is a Yale Book of Quotations. And the number one quote was something that wasn't said by the person who was supposed to have said it and the person who did say it isn't really that person. Did you catch all that? If not, don't worry, it will all make sense by the end of this post. (And if it doesn't make sense by then, I don't know what to tell you. I didn't say it was a magic post.)

Now, although it's a "Top Ten" list, there are three quotes that tied for tenth. I am not a fan of the tie; neck or things that are the same. I find it odd that it was the last spot on the list that they had trouble narrowing down the final candidates for. They just couldn't bear to leave at least two of those three off of the list. Let's see if they did the right thing (I'm guessing they did not).

• Number 10: "Anyone who says we're in a recession, or heading into one, especially the worst one since the Great Depression, is making up his own private definition of 'recession.' Those words of incorrect wisdom from commentator Donald Luskin on September 14. Oh, and that was the day right before Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy. You know, because of the recession that we're not having.
  
  
• Number 10 - AGAIN: "Cash for trash." That came from Paul Krugman on the topic of the bailout of the financial companies on Sept. 22.
  
  
• Number 10 - YET AGAIN: "There are no atheists in foxholes and there are no libertarians in financial crises." That's Paul Krugman again. (Did he compile this list? They had to have two quotes by the same guy tie for Number Ten??) He was being interviewed by Bill Maher for HBO's "Real Time" which was aired on Sept. 19

OK, nothing personal Yale Book of Quotations That We Never Knew Existed Guys, but those kind of sucked. I know they were Number Ten and all, but they weren't great. They were far from memorable. I mean, all I'm going to remember is that they kind of sucked and somehow I don't think that's what you had in mind.

• Number 9: "Barack, he's talking down to black people. ... I want to cut his nuts off." That was July 6 when Rev. Jesse Jackson learned that he should always make sure his mike isn't live before he starts making comments that he think won't be heard on the air at Fox News.

Now we're talking! That was memorable! Next!

• Number 8: "I'll see you at the debates, bitches." How hot was Paris Hilton when she made that video in response to one of John McCain's TV ads for his campaign. Probably pretty hot, but only because it was in August.


• Number 7: "Maybe 100." That was John McCain on Jan. 3. Would you like to take a guess as to what he was referring to? No, not his age. He was speculating at the number of years that US troops could continue to remain in Iraq. (Ouch!)


• Number 6: "Decisions by the Secretary pursuant to the authority of this Act are non-reviewable and committed to agency discretion, and may not be reviewed by any court of law or any administrative agency." Allow me to translate that: When the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act was proposed by the Treasury Department in Sept. 2008, what they were saying was one guy will be in charge of the $700 billion and he can do with it whatever he wants and no one can say any different, including the Federal Government or the Supreme Court. (Be prepared to see that quote in the list of Top Ten Most Frightening Quotes of 2008 when it comes out.)


• Number 5: "The fundamentals of America's economy are strong." What would have been even more memorable after John McCain said that during an interview with folks at Bloomberg TV on April 17 would have been if he had explained himself instead of letting people think he was a moron for saying that. What he was saying was and is correct. America's economy has a solid foundation. That doesn't mean it won't falter. But the fundamentals of what builds our economy are strong. You just don't say things like that when every other house in the country is being foreclosed on. And you don't do that because why? Because you'll look like an idiot, that is correct.
  
  
• Number 4: "It's not based on any particular data point, we just wanted to choose a really large number." Why, yes! I did mock that particular quote in an earlier post! Anything that ridiculous deserves to be mocked (and by people who are a lot better at it than I am). That little gem was brought to us by Forbes.com on Sept. 23. Now if Forbes.com would only do a follow up article explaining what else they do over at the Treasury Department that seems to involve little more than throwing a bunch of darts at a board with big numbers on it. (I hear they take shots at a pinata when they're trying to figure out what to do with the prime interest rate.)
  

• Number 3: "We have sort of become a nation of whiners." That was one of John McCain's former economic advisers, former Sen. Phil Gramm as quoted on July 10 in The Washington Times. (Number 3 Most Memorable Follow Up Question: "SORT OF?!?!?")

• Number 2: "All of them, any of them that have been in front of me over all these years." OK, that one was pretty good! A one Governor Sarah Palin was describing what newspapers and magazines she reads after she was asked the question by Katie Couric during an interview in which Gov. Palin seemed barely able to utter a coherent sentence, as evidenced by the quote above. The cringe-worthy interview was aired on Oct. 1.
  
  

• And finally, the Number One Memorable Quote for 2008 is: "And I can see Russia from my house!" Ah...the brilliance of comedy imitating life. That was a very funny one Tina Fey during the first Saturday Night Live skit where she played Gov. Sarah Palin opposite a very funny one Amy Poehler in the role of Sen. Hillary Clinton. Fey/Palin was responding to the Poehler/Clinton statement, "I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy." That instant classic aired on NBC on Sept. 13, but you can view it below. The Number One Memorable Quote for 2008 appears right around 1:25 into the classic bit.
  
  

And those are the Top Ten Memorable Quotes for 2008. "Can you believe it, Hillary?"

"I can-not!"

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Campaign-a-Palooza

I have to get this out of my system before the freaking election which is, thank God, less than 48 hours away! If I didn't know better, I'd swear that we'd been listening to Barry and Grandpa John McCain since immediately after Sarah Jessica Parker lost to George W. Bush back in 2004. (Wait. Not her! Geez. I meant John Kerry. A horse is a horse, of course, of course.)

There are so, so, SO many witty and wacky individuals who have used their many talents to craft various campaign signs for the candidates. Campaign signs that the candidates would only use if a) they had a loaded gun pointed at their head, or b) they wanted to lose really, really badly. But neither of those things seem to be applicable (though I still don't know what the heck happened over there in McCain's camp over the past three weeks. It was as if someone let HIM run the campaign himself. And that really doesn't sound like a very strategy, especially given how things are going for him these days.). And that's what the Internet was made for! It's a tool that allows those folks to show off their childish, immature and hysterically funny talents with the rest of the world and all without leaving the comfort of their own home or Starbucks.

Thus, I give to you a conglomeration of campaign sign satire, created by folks who will likely never, ever hold a public office. Behold! Fairly amusing campaign signs when it is less than 48 hours before we get to effing vote!! (I'm sure you will be shocked, just shocked, to learn that it was harder to find stuff that poked fun at Barry than it was to find things that poked fun at John McCain and Sarah Palin. Joe Biden is practically nowhere to be found. Why, oh, why couldn't the others have followed his lead?)

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I can even manage to squeeze in a few Joe the Plumber themes for you (because who can't get enough of that?!). Behold!




And this just wouldn't seem complete without a few Tina Fey as Sarah Palin references on here. Yeah, I know they're not campaign signs, but she's hilarious, so she gets a free pass on that one. (Besides, it gives me reason to go to a web page of a friend of mine and "steal" her Tina Fey as Sarah Palin pics to use here. Now, she doesn't know I've "stolen" them yet (so I'm not going to link to her page just right now), but she'll know as soon as she reads this. But if I did link to her page, you'd know I wasn't checking it out just for her Tina Fey pics, as she has a pic of herself on there that shows just how absolutely stunning she is. (You know what's even better? Who she is on the inside is twice as stunning as who she is on the outside.) Behold! Tina Fey as Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live!

Let's just effing vote already!

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Paris Hilton Makes Sense?

I think that there comes a day during every year in which there is a Presidential election that you reach the point where you finally say, "Shoot me. In the head. Now." That day is today. That's because :::sigh::: Paris Hilton made sense. Shoot me. In the head. Now.

Here's the scoop: Grandpa John McCain's people created an ad which compared Barry Barry Obama to the celebrity likes of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. It has Barry standing in front of monstrous crowds (crowds that are scary big. Like soccer stadiums right before the stampede big.) while the voice over narrator chick says, "He's the biggest celebrity in the world." At the same time, the video is flashing to shots of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. Because, of course, when you think of Barry, you think of Britney, right? Ah, geez, of COURSE NOT!

I guess the point was that just because you're popular and have been elevated to a faux celebrity status ("Faux" because he IS a politician, for cryin' out loud. It's just not normal. Nor do I expect it to hold.) that doesn't necessarily mean that you have a brain in your head and are ready to lead a nation compiled largely of soft heads. So you see, it wasn't exactly a compliment for Barry. Nor Paris and Britney either, really.

I'll say this for the McCain camp. They're taking some pretty good shots at Barry. And oddly enough, he's not firing back in the same way. I'm not sure why. Maybe he's relying a bit too much on that charisma of his that is starting to need a nap because it's getting a little tired. Whatever the reason, there wasn't a response ad from Barry's camp.

There was an ad that came out from the fine folks over there at Funny or Die. It starred one person. Paris Hilton. (I'm almost choking as I type. Just having to pay attention to the daily Paris Hilton antics makes me nauseous. This is just killing me.) The ad starts off with the voice over narrator guy saying, "He’s the oldest celebrity in the world. Like super old. Old enough to remember when dancing was a sin and beer was served in a bucket. McCain, is he ready to lead?" You know, the voice that the narrator guy is the same sort of voice that one would use if Barry was a child molester or something. "He's been convicted of pedophilia five separate times. And he's just moved in. To your neighborhood." You know what I mean? The video is below. You can check it out and then you can agree with me.

So after the "beer in a bucket" intro, we then see Paris. The self important celebutard Hilton is seen reclining next to a pool wearing some sort of animal print swim suit. She turns to the camera and says, "Hey America, I’m Paris Hilton and I’m a celebrity too. Only I’m not from the olden days and I’m not promising change like that other guy. I’m just hot. " Now, don't think that just because she says something seniscal in this thing that it means that nothing else was wrong with the rest of it. Oh, because there's plenty wrong. She's "a celebrity too."? She is? What has she done? Nothing. Since when is "celebrity" equated with "shove your face into a camera every chance you get, even though you're not an actress"? Or "And if that doesn't work, stop wearing underwear, make a sex tape that's leaked on the Internet, get charged with DUI and go to jail for 21 days." And while all of those things have a lot to do with Paris Hilton, they have nothing to do with being a celebrity. Which is why she ISN'T one. But I digress.

Then she continues with what is, I'm guessing, supposed to come off as cutesy & air-headed. Cutesy? Not so much? Dumber than a box of hair? Sure.

"But then that wrinkly white-haired guy used me in his campaign ad, which I guess means I’m running for president. So thanks for the endorsement white-haired dude, and I want America to know I’m, like, totally ready to lead." All right, that would be funnier if John McCain actually was wrinkly. She makes him sound like a Shar-pei. And the part about "white-haired" is stretching it a little bit as well. I mean, seriously, you call that "hair"?

"And now I want to present my energy policy for America, just as soon as I finish this article on where I can fly to get the best tan. Oh Maui, enough said. Ok so here’s my energy policy. Barack wants to focus on new technologies to cut foreign oil dependency. And McCain wants offshore drilling. Well why don’t we do a hybrid of both candidate's ideas?" Please tell me there aren't really articles on where to freaking fly to get the best tan. Then it would be a toss up for which reason I would be blowing my head off over. Please.

“We can do limited offshore drilling with strict environmental oversight while creating tax incentives to get Detroit making hybrid and electric cars. That way the offshore drilling carries us until the new technologies kick-in which will then create new jobs and energy independence. Energy crisis solved!"

Oh, sweet mother of God. She's right.

Now, look. You knew this. I knew this. We all knew this. But still, we've got McCain out there wanting to build more nuclear power plants than there are Starbucks and we've got Barry out there telling us to just inflate our car tires and we won't need to worry about gas prices any more. And while no one likes flat tires, that's just not going to help a whole heck of a lot. There has to be both if anyone wants anything to be done NOW. But for reasons that are completely unclear to me (not really. I know they're all idiots and that nothing is going to be done either way.), no one is allowed to say that we should take parts from one idea and parts from another idea and make one great big idea that might actually get something done. Something other than having ads on the Internet starring Paris Hilton telling us how to solve the "energy crisis". Hey, what kind of bullets do I need for this thing? I'm growing more and more despondent as this goes on.

"I’ll see you at the debates, bitches!” (OK, THAT was pretty funny.) "Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go pick out a Vice-President. I’m thinking Rhianna. I’ll see you at the White House. Oh, and I might paint it pink. I hope that’s cool with you guys. Bye!"

Ah, crap. She mentioned another celebrity, Rhianna. I guess that means that we can expect a "viral video" from her next. (Load that thing faster, will you? Now Rhianna's involved.)

Apparently, Paris actually memorized her lines for that spot. I guess I assumed that it was done in about 47 separate takes and she had her notes taped inside of the flying tan publication that she was reading. She speaks well. She needs a bit more fluctuation in her voice at more opportune moments, but she did fine. And she made a hell of a point. And that's why I ask you to shoot me. In the head. Now.

If politicians cannot start looking at the big picture, with or without celebutards, and start realizing that there is no solution that will only incorporate ideas from just one viewpoint, then we're doomed. Doomed. We're doomed to have things stay the same. We're doomed to end up paying over $5 a gallon for gasoline. We're doomed to be kissing the ass of the oil sheiks from sand countries whose people want to kill us. Doomed. Unless.... ::gulp:: unless politicians can start listening to ideas, such as those expressed by :::gulp::: Paris Hilton, and realizing that things are really simple if you just take a minute and think about it. Oh, God. Did I just imply that Paris Hilton thinks? My head! Shoot! Shoot it now! NOW!

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