State of the Union Bingo is HERE!

Today is the State of the Union address by President Barry. Can you believe that the last State of the Union address, the one where Joe Wilson shouted out, "You lie!", was a year ago? Holy cats, it seems like ten years ago when that happened. Actually, it seems like more like a hundred. Wow. Just thinking of that whole ordeal makes my ass tired. Thus, in order to avoid an overly exhausted anterior region, let's not think about last year. Instead, let's think about this year's State of the Union. And what better way to think of it and to get geared up for it than with a little State of the Union bingo?! Here's your card. Mark off a space every time President Barry utters one of the following words or phrases. Regular Bingo rules apply. If you get a bingo, pat yourself on the back or do a shot or whatever it is that you would do in that sort of celebratory situation. Playing this is probably the only way that I'm going to be able to stay awake through the whole thing.

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Olympics Bingo

Time for the Olympics in Vancouver! I guess we're supposed to be excited whenever the Olympics roll around, but it's unclear as to why that is. Granted, I find the Winter Olympics more entertaining that I do the Summer Olympics because there's more danger involved. I find that observing sports involving danger is much more satisfying than observing sports which have very little chance for injury of any sort. What's the worst thing that's going to happen at the Summer Olympics? Someone gets some over-chlorinated pool water in their goggles? Ooohhh!

While the Winter Olympics themselves come with plenty of thrills and excitement, the opening ceremony does not. That's why I've concocted Opening Ceremony Bingo! Every time one of the items on the card below occurs during the opening ceremony, you can mark that spot off. Five in a row wins whatever it is that you want yourself to win. (I take a very DIY approach to these sorts of things.) If you'd like to play it as a drinking game instead and just take a drink every time one of those events occurs, that's fine too. It's a very versatile activity!

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Price Check, Bingo Aisle!

It was inevitable, but this time I don't necessarily know that it could be considered a bad thing. Well, the concept isn't bad. No, the concept is highly amusing. The premise, on the other hand, could be considered...sad. At best. Mainly because it's so true.

You know that all week long, you are dreading the weekend shopping excursion out to the local Wal-Mart. You'd never set foot in there if those corporate conglomerate bastards didn't have such low prices! (Damn their worldwide dominance! Damn it to hell!) It doesn't even matter where the Wal-Mart is, because as far as the typical Wal-Mart clientele goes, it's kind of like McDonald's. No matter which one you go to, no matter where it is, you always know what to expect and it's always the same. Whether it be Big Macs or white trash, you know what to expect when you're patronizing one or the other. (Sometimes, you can even expect both.)

What you need to liven up those jaunts into trailer park resident shopping hell is to something to take your mind and the minds of your family members off of the homeless guy who was aggressively panhandling as you walked past the red kettle into the 'Mart. But not something that will prevent you from fulfilling your shopping needs, not that will distract you from paying attention to your surroundings. (Those who are more alert are more likely to survive an attack and free themselves from their attacker. I think I learned that on Oprah.) So to beat the doldrums (and fear and disgust) of shopping at Wal-Mart, do I have the solution/distraction for you!

If you're looking to add excitement (and more!) to your bargain shopping days, I present to you Wal-Mart Bingo! Behold!

It's the classic parlor game with a modern day, capitalist, voyeuristic and very sarcastic touch! It's Wal-Mart Bingo! Fun for the entire family! (Sterile latex gloves sold separately.) The concept is simple. Each member of the shopping clan gets a card. When you spot any of the items on the card, you get to mark off that spot. You can mark off the spots with a pencil, a pen, a crayon, pieces of old chewing gum that will be scattered throughout the store at various locations, whatever you choose, really. First one to get five in a row wins!

As I looked at both of the cards shown here, I realized that, theoretically, you could go through several games just lickety split! You might get five in a row before you get six feet past the old man greeter in front. (After this Tuesday, if the next Wal-Mart greeter that you see looks like John McCain, don't be surprised if it is. But do say hi and offer your condolences to him and Caribou Barbie for their loss in the Presidential election to Barry. Ooh, but offer those condolences from about 2 feet away. He tends to snap and bite when angered or irritated. Don't want to lose a finger now! You'll be rendered indistinguishable from many other Wal-Mart patrons should that be the case.)

And while both of the above are fairly clever, come on, let's be realistic, shall we? They're rather plain. If you're going to enjoy this, it really needs to be in the Wal-Mart spirit. No, not the craptastic kind of spirit. You know...the other kind. You know....my kind! Behold!

That's better. Now we're talkin'! First one gets to wait in the car WITH the radio on! Be careful and don't knock over Grandpa McCain as you sprint out the door. Now hop to it!

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Vice Presidential Debates And Parlor Games

Oooh, oooh, oooh! Just in time! Plenty of time before the debate tonight to get in on this one. Finally! Someone has come up with a way to, at the very least, help people to try to focus on what is being said during the debate. Let's face it, most politicians? Windbags. Old, boring, pasty white windbags. And what do windbags do best? That's right, they blow wind. Cliche filled wind, usually. "Would that it were." "The war in Iraq." "Weapons of mass destruction." "Is it over yet?" OK, that last one was mine, but you know what I mean.

The folks (or folk, really. I know nothing about them and the site only popped up a few days ago from what I can tell, and that's not very much either.) over at Palin Bingo have come up with a grand idea to keep people interested in the debate without having to get face-planted drunk via some collegiate drinking game format. The guys over at Times of the Internet say that "Palin Bingo is the latest craze to the sweep the Internet. Trundle on over to the new Palin Bingo website in order to learn the rules to play yourself." And so I did just that. It was exciting. I'd never trundled before.

The concept and the rules are simple (as the term "bingo" would imply already). Each player receives their own Palin Bingo card. Instead of the usual bingo numbers, the Palin Bingo card is filled with terms that it is assumed she is likely to utter at some point during the debate. Whenever the Governor of Alaska (that would be Sarah Palin for those of you who are new to consciousness) says one of those words or phrases, you mark off that box. Get five in a row going up or down, across or diagonal, and you win!

They even included a center space that you get to check off automatically. But instead of calling it the 'FREE' space like in traditional bingo (because really, nothing having to do with any politician is ever 'free'), they call it the 'Air Space'. I don't know if that's supposed to be a play on the term 'Air Head', but it is clever. And there's a lovely picture of Sarah Palin right there in the Air Space. You know, just in case you forget who you're supposed to be listening to. Or to give you something pleasant to look at when Joe Biden is speaking.

And if you'd like to see more words or phrases added to these cards, they even provide you with a blank Palin Bingo card so that you can make your own! So I did. Because I started thinking about it and if you've seen Tina Fey do Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live, you know that the similarity in their appearance is remarkable. And if you've seen Tina Fey do Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live, you know that the similarity in their speaking ability is almost zero. What if they try and substitute Sarah Palin with Tina Fey? (You know, sort of a last ditch effort for something. I don't know what exactly. I hadn't thought my hair brained conspiracy theory out that far. But it would be funny! I did think of that!) You're still going to want to play bingo, aren't you? Of course you are. So I came up with a bingo card just in case Tina Fey gets slipped into the mix some how. (And if Sarah Palin utters any of the items on my card, it's going to be a hellaciously amusing four years in the White House if her and McCain get elected.)

Those guys thought of everything. How come I'm not thinking of things like this? Oh. Right. Too busy wiping up drool. Got it.

Anything that can keep people watching something that has the potential to be informative in regard to their decision at the polls in November is a good thing. If it still doesn't do it for you, then by all means, add some alcohol to the mix. Because really, being drunk around election time? Not so bad. Being drunk when it's not election time? Still not so bad.

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