When the Winter Olympics roll around, I'm always fascinated by the whole sport of curling. It's like someone heaves a cement Roomba down the ice and then two other guys go after it with Swiffers. I think of it as the tidiest of all Olympic events. It's quite odd. And I guess that over there in Australia, two of the news anchors on Channel 9 were explaining and/or demonstrating the finer nuances of curling via the Wii console. Yeah, see, the thing is that if you're watching them while they're playing the game, it doesn't look so much like they're involved in curling. No, it looks a little bit more like they're doing something else. And I found it to be highly amusing.
The Winter Olympics are currently underway in Vancouver. I like the Olympics. I didn't think that there'd be much to mock. But then I saw some of their uniforms. (That's also how I knew that there really was a God.)
I enjoy that all of the folks on the Estonia team are sporting the furry white hats with ear flaps. I'm told that a hat with flaps is a necessity in the wintertime. Granted, I'm being told that by someone who lives in Santa Cruz, but she might be right, judging from the look of the Estonian athletes there.
The folks from Finland are sporting a look that sort of makes me feel like I need to adjust the horizontal hold on my TV. Or the vertical. Hard to say with that squiggly pattern going all over the place like that. Hard to say.
For some reason, Germany apparently decided to go with the age old method of color coding their athletes, using baby blue for the men and some sort of a pink for the women. I thought we only did that with babies?
The folks from India have a different sense of style when it comes to celebratory events. Either that or they sent the janitors to march in place of the athletes. What's with the gray, India? The people of your country have beautiful, multi-colored saris and wraps and you come out looking like department of sanitation workers. What's up with that?
Then we have the folks from over in Montenegro. Um, so this one time...at band camp.... Seriously, shouldn't one of them have a tuba and another one have some sort of a baton?
The Bermudans have a very small team. Maybe that is why they decided to wear very small pants. While I can appreciate the wearing of the shorts for which their country was named (or perhaps it was the other way around), aren't they a little chilly? It's the winter Olympics. Here's to hoping that they wear something a bit more substantial when they're actually competing.
But here's where things start to get interesting. We have the athletes from Azerbaijan wearing their jammie pants. Behold!
And then we have the athletes from the Czech Republic wearing their jammie pants and their jammie poofy jackets. Behold!
Finally, here were the Norwegians during the opening ceremony.
Pretty normal, right? Seemingly harmless, correct? That's what I thought. Until I saw their curling team. Behold!
Apparently, the Norwegian curling team consists of very talented clowns...and their pants! Are they serious?! What the what is up with those pants? Not only are they far from stylish, they're certainly not very athletic looking and they're definitely not very Olympic-y. Entertaining? Yes? Clown-like? Definitely.
Time for the Olympics in Vancouver! I guess we're supposed to be excited whenever the Olympics roll around, but it's unclear as to why that is. Granted, I find the Winter Olympics more entertaining that I do the Summer Olympics because there's more danger involved. I find that observing sports involving danger is much more satisfying than observing sports which have very little chance for injury of any sort. What's the worst thing that's going to happen at the Summer Olympics? Someone gets some over-chlorinated pool water in their goggles? Ooohhh!
While the Winter Olympics themselves come with plenty of thrills and excitement, the opening ceremony does not. That's why I've concocted Opening Ceremony Bingo! Every time one of the items on the card below occurs during the opening ceremony, you can mark that spot off. Five in a row wins whatever it is that you want yourself to win. (I take a very DIY approach to these sorts of things.) If you'd like to play it as a drinking game instead and just take a drink every time one of those events occurs, that's fine too. It's a very versatile activity!
I know I just harped on the folks who were inexplicably stunned by Chicago's failure to win their bid to be host city for the 2016 Summer Olympics (because when you think "summer", don't you think "Chicago"? What? No? OK then. Back to you.). But I want to explain just a couple of things about what may have gone wrong. I'd also like to point out why those folks who seem to be gloating and, yes, even happy that Chicago didn't get the Olympics are seeming that way. Oh, don't get me wrong. They're gloating all right. But it's not because they want America to fail, so if you're one of those pinheads who thinks that, just pipe down and start readin'.
So Michelle Obama goes to Copenhagen for chewing tobacco to make a pitch for the Olympics. Now, I kind of foresaw disaster when I heard Valerie Jarrett, a senior adviser to President Barry, say regarding Michelle Obama's pitch to the IOC“There won’t be a dry eye in the room." And while that may be true (it is allergy season in some parts of the world), perhaps the question should have been raised as to whether or not there would have been an empty wallet. Oh, come on! It's not like the IOC has stopped taking bribes! They're just more careful about it now, that's all! And I totally knew it would be ineffective when Valerie Jarrett added, "I’m sure that it will touch the hearts of each of the IOC members.”
First of all, you shouldn't touch anyone without asking them first. Second, the Olympics before they happen aren't really a touchy feely sort of event, you know what I mean? Oh, sure, after someone has done something great, then we're all weepy-eyed and sentimental for five minutes or so. Then we talk about how amazing it is that they were able to win that gold medal even after having a life where they grew up having to walk to school every day. And it was uphill. Both ways. But that feeling goes away right around the time the photo of them smoking pot out of a bong appears on the News of the World website. Sometimes sooner. My point is that it's not about touching hearts. It's about getting people fired up!
And Michelle gave a fine speech, but not if she were trying to win the Olympics. It was a fabulous speech if she were trying to pitch her idea for a Lifetime Movie of the Week, though. Listen, it seems to me that the Obama administration has grossly overestimated the stupidity of the world. Don't get me wrong. It's almost impossible to overestimate the softheadedness of those in America. Rarely does that happen. But the rest of the world isn't constantly searching for a cause to rally behind. And that was the problem here.
She talked about growing up on the south side of Chicago, which really isn't as crime ridden as folks are led and swayed to believe. It's actually rather varied and diverse. Oh, there's crime all right. Do I think that Michelle Obama grew up in the crime ridden lands of south Chicago? No, I don't. Do I know if she did or not? No. I don't. Pure speculation is all I'm doing here. (At least I'm honest.)
She talked about how the Olympics inspired her. Behold! The face of the inspired!
Wow. Could you imagine how she would have looked if she were uninspired? (Probably like the IOC judges, I'd imagine.) Let's see if we can imagine it. Behold!
All she really did was talk about herself. And she did it in that way where it was as if she was waiting for the "oohs" and the "aahs" and the ridiculous intermittent spurts of applause that are always bursting from her audiences at the end of every sentence. Was she sincere about everything? I don't know, but I kind of doubt it and here's why: She made an odd statement about her memories of sitting on her father's lap and watching the Olympics. Specifically, she recalled memories about certain athletes that she remembered watching compete while she was sitting on her father's lap. She recalled watching Nadia (Comaneci)....
...Olga (Korbut)...
...Carl Lewis...
Wait. What?
Carl Lewis? But....but...he was....he was in the Olympics in....when? 1984? WHAT?!?! Computer, when was Michelle Obama born? 1964?? Um, sooooo....uh, she was...twenty? Sitting on her Dad's lap? Watching the Olympics? For reals? I doubt it. Oh, please. Do you not believe that she said that? I didn't. Behold!
Yeah, OK then. Wow. You know, she also talked about her Dad who died of MS in 1999 and how proud he would have been to have the Olympics in his town of Chicago. I don't know about you, but I don't like it when people play the Dead Parent Card (that's right, the ol' DPC) for something that had never happened when they were alive. It really bugs me. I'm OK with the reminiscing about how much the deceased would have enjoyed a current activity that they enjoyed when they were predeceased. But bringing up how much the deceased would have liked something that they never engaged in whence they were kickin' it? Knock it off. I don't like being played for a sap and I'd imagine that the IOC doesn't either. (Then again, I think a lot of President Barry's getting elected was based on playing the voters for saps, so I understand that they're just going with what worked in the recent past for them, but they seemed to have forgotten that it wasn't an international election that got him elected Grand Poobah of the United States.)
(Side note: By the way, before I go on with the rest of this, here's a pic of Nadia Comaneci these days. Just because. What country was she from? Romania? Do they all look like this over there in Romania? If they do, we need to find out what they eat and grow it here. Now!)
When you hear that some folks are "happy" that "America failed", please kick those people in the shins. Hard. (You might have to run really fast after you do that, so make sure you're in fairly decent shape before you go around crushing people's tibias.) These people aren't "happy" that "America failed". Some are "happy" because Chicago is already in debt and the Olympics would likely bring more debt. But the ones that seem "happy" that "America failed" are not cheering on the doom of America. It's more like when Nelson on The Simpsons says "Ha-HA!" in that irritating high-pitched, Eddie-Haskel-on-female-hormones voice that he has. When someone swaggers in and thinks that they can just charm the pants off of someone else for no other reason than they are who they think they are? That person is annoying and people don't like that person. People might kiss that person's ass to their face, but that doesn't change the level of annoyance that other people have at that jackass's self-righteousness. The Obama administration has been rolling in their own self-righteousness since they won the election. That whole "Because I won, that's why" act that they've had since last November is getting old. And NOT getting the Olympics is a definitive statement that "You can't have everything that you want for the sole reason that you're you". The administration can ignore all of the other "failures" that they've had so far by just not talking about them or by spinning them to look like they're in their favor. It's really hard to spin not getting the Olympics in a way that people still think that they got something out of the deal.
President Barry and his wife had no business going over to Copenhagen and trying to smile their way into winning an Olympic bid. None. If he's going to do it for Chicago, I would certainly hope that he plans on doing it for any other city in the US if they bid for the Olympics when he's in office. After all, he's not even from Chicago. He's from Kenya. (Oh, I kid! I KID!!! He IS a US citizen! I swear! I kid!! I KID!!)
According to Michelle Malkin, this little ego trip that President Barry and Michelle Obama took over there to Copenhagen didn't come cheap. According to her website, "A 2006 congressional study pegged the cost of flying Air Force One at $56,518 an hour. The Pentagon recently said it cost $100,219 an hour to fly the huge, reconfigured Boeing 747 without Obama aboard. The Pentagon estimate included more costs for support needs, such as maintenance." My only question about those figures is the part about flying the plane without President Barry aboard it. Um, why would that be? That's the only reason for the plane right? To fly his ass around? If he's not on it, why is it in the air? Oh, right. Photo ops in front of the Statue of Liberty. I forgot.
So Rio de Janeiro gets the Olympics in 2016, eh? Tell me again why it is that people are surprised that Chicago didn't get the Olympics? Was it because President Barry gave a little talk-a-roo to the masses and that still didn't sway the IOC? Was it because The Oprah gave a little talk-a-roo as well to the masses and that still didn't sway the IOC? Is that it? Man, I certainly hope that's why folks are surprised. Maybe now they'll start figuring out that President Barry and The Oprah are not the have all to be all to end all of human civilization. Maybe instead of The Oprah and President Barry they should have gotten that voice in the cornfield that talked to Kevin Costner. When that voice talked, things got done!
People seemed genuinely shocked when Chicago lost. Me, I was genuinely shocked when I learned that Chicago was in the running. It's the Summer Olympics, folks. I guess that when I think "summer", my mind doesn't automatically make the jump to "Chicago", you know what I mean? What, exactly, was supposed to lure the folks of the IOC to want to have the Olympics in Chicago? Could it have been the....
...pollution?
...air traffic?
...crime? (As long as they don't veer too far from northern Chicago and/or the airport, things would probably have been fine.)
...summer heat?
....weather? (Did I mention that Chicago gets intermittent thunderstorms in the summer? Without warning. It just suddenly rains. Not good for Olympic-ville.)
...or perhaps a little bit of the corruption.
According toMSNBC, "At least 79 elected officials have been convicted of wrongdoing since 1972"! That's almost two per year! What the hell, Chicago? Three former governors have been imprisoned. And if I were writing this a year from now, that number would probably be four thanks to weasely Rod Blagojevich! Granted, one of the governors wasn't in jail for things that he did as governor, but still. The current administration of the mayor of Chicago, Richard Daley, is under federal investigation for corruption. While Daley himself is not under investigation (allegedly), well, you know...apple...tree. Draw your own conclusions.
So really? Y'all are still perplexed, eh? You put that much faith in President Barry and The Oprah? Wow. Well, at least you're capable of having faith in something. I've given up entirely, so maybe Chicago has one over on me. Then again, I wouldn't have wasted my time campaigning for Chicago, so while they have their faith, I have a whole bunch of extra time on my hands.
So now that we know what Chicago has, what about Rio? What do they have? They have Party Town, South America is what they have. Look, I was standing amidst a substantial crown in Liberty Park in downtown Salt Lake City when they announced that Salt Lake had effectively bribed their way to being awarded the 2002 Winter Olympics (I'm paraphrasing, of course). People whooped. People hollered. But it wasn't anything like what went on down in Rio when they received their news. (By the way, I'd like to make it clear that I did not whoop, nor holler. People were so damned excited that I figured that this must be something imminent, so I kind of asked around. When is this thing, next Tuesday? What?!?! Six YEARS from now?!! Are you kidding me?! Why all the shouting?? What's with the hooplah?)
You know who is the happiest person of them all out there that Rio was given the 2016 games? The one person who is just beside himself with joy? That's right. Barry Manilow. Why Barry Manilow? Can you just imagine the amount of royalties that are going to come pouring in when the Olympics are in Rio and the song Copacabana is played eighty two gazillion times over that fourteen day (or seventeen day) period? For the geographically challenged,Copacabana Beach is in Rio de Janeiro. (Her name was Lo-la!)
OK, hokey smokes! In Salt Lake a bunch of people waved little flags and blew horns. I think Karl Malone might have done a fist pump in the air. I do remember a couple of streamers. Other than that, there was none of this downpouring of celebratory confetti like we see here. (She was a show-girl!)
Folks in other parts of the world, especially the amoral America, are going to have to get used to the fact that religion is a pretty big part of life for those folks down there in South America. They're big on the whole Jesus thing. They built a massive Jesus statue on a hilltop in Rio de Janeiro. THAT'S how much they like Jesus. They also like Jesus so much they put a picture of their statue of him on the world's largest beach blanket which they unveiled during their celebration. Behold! (With yellow feathers in her hair!)
If this photo is any indication, there are going to be a lot of those little twisty balloon animals when the Olympics finally roll into Rio. Behold! (And a dress cut down to there!)
In Rio, this guy is celebrating. In America, he'd merely be one of the homeless. (She would merengue!)
Wouldn't you know it? Leave it to Jermaine Jackson to inject himself into the middle of anything getting attention these days! What? What's that? That's not Jermaine Jackson. Oh. Awkward. Well, then, good for Pele for coming out and celebrating with the masses then! (And do the cha-cha!)
Here is a woman who is celebrating Rio hosting the Olympics with one of those twisty balloons which has been fashioned into a toilet seat around her neck. (And while she tried to be a star...)
They are also quite fond of breasts in Rio de Janeiro as well. And who isn't, really? (Though if these are the kind we're talking about, count me out for now, OK?) Behold! (Tony always tended bar!)
I guess the Olympics have never been in South America before, so this is kind of cool. Congratulations, Rio de Janeiro! Now could you lower the damn price of coffee beans, please?
Across a crowded floor, they worked from 8 till 4 They were young and they had each other Who could ask for more?
At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana (Copacabana) The hottest spot north of Havana (here) At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana Music and passion were always the fashion At the Copa....they fell in love!
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