I Don't Know What Time It Is For Free

It seems like every other thing that you hear, see or read in the news is about the US economy and the ever looming question, "Are we in a recession?" (What I don't understand is why no one seems to know. Isn't that their job? Isn't that what economists are for? Why all the confusion? I don't get it.) That's the one main worry. The other one (other than, "How do we tell?") is "What if we are?" (The second question has roughly the same meaning as, "So now what?") But it doesn't matter if we are or we aren't and you shouldn't even bother trying to figure it out or worry what might happen if someone does figure it out and it turns out that we are. Why? Because of the most expensive, most useless product to sell out within 48 hours and have the purchasing public clamoring for more. Behold! The Romain Jerome "Day & Night" watch!:

That's a fine timekeeping specimen right there, isn't it? Sure, it looks fan-tabulous but, you know, the thing about a watch (and you can think I'm silly for thinking this) is that it's really supposed to tell you what time it is. I can't see the purpose of a watch that doesn't tell you the time. But that's what the "Day & Night" watch is all about. Wait. What?

According to the Romain Jerome website "With no display for the hours, minutes or seconds, the "Day&Night" offers a new way of measuring time, splitting the universe of time into two fundamentally opposing sections: day versus night.” Um, I'm thinking that it splits the universe of people into two fundamentally opposing sections: Those who are late and those who are not. What is the point of this again? Oh, that's right. To build a watch that doesn't tell time out of steel that has been salvaged from the Titanic. Huh? WTF?

Several styles of Romain Jerome watches are made partly with steel taken from the Titanic on the ocean floor and with steel taken from the shipyard where the Titanic was built. No word on how, when or if any of that was possible, so just do the reasonable thing (for a person who wants a watch that doesn't tell time) and just take their word for it.

Now, for something so completely useless, the company did put some thought into fancy-schmancy parts and mechanisms. Since the "watch" doesn't have any hands, they've instead gone with a a “contemplative tourbillon operation whereby the ‘Day’ tourbillon operates for 12 hours to symbolize working life, while the ‘Night’ tourbillon takes over afterward to represent an individual’s private time." OK. If you say so. BUT IT STILL DOESN'T TELL TIME!!

But what does this have to do with the recession? Look, if there was a recession in the US and if the floundering US economy was driving down other economic markets in the world, then this watch would not have sold out in 48 hours. Especially with it's $300,000 price tag. That is correct. The watch that doesn't tell time is three hundred thousand dollars. W. T. F.??

According to CEO, Yvan Arpa, "Anyone can buy a watch that tells time — only a truly discerning customer can buy one that doesn't." Oh, my God. (Translation: Anyone can buy something that works, but only a true moron will buy something that doesn't.) But wait. Unfortunately, there's more.

Another Romain Jerome useless and overly expensive timepiece is the Titanic DNA which showcases the "T-oxy Concept" which is defined as "Between the forbidden and the ephemeral." (Oh, "ephemeral" means short lived or lasting for only a day. What a novel idea for a watch. If "novel" means "ridiculous." ) "The T-oxy Concept represents both the culmination of a preposterous idea and the most extreme form of a particularly sophisticated concept. This exceptional timepiece is a completely rusted high-watchmaking timepiece designed using non-stabilised rusted steel from the Titanic. Don’t wear it! The T-oxy Concept can only be admired under its glass dome filled with argon. Release it and oxygen will carry on its destructive work where it left off. Warning: extremely corrosive model, non-guaranteed."

Don't wear it? Don't take it out of it's argon-filled glass dome? It's completely rusted? But it's a watch, right? OK, then. I'll take two. (No I won't! What the hell?!) But wait! Yep. Still more!

From the RJ website in their "Accessories" section (actually it should be "Accessory") there was just this odd looking box with the description: " 'Safe of Legends' was created for the enthusiastic followers of the concept “DNA of famous Legends” and especially of its first homage, Titanic-DNA. It has been created for the privileged few. This special item will only be available to those who purchase a Titanic T-oxy III Tourbillion. They alone will be able to obtain this atypical work. The uniqueness of this item lies in what is inside. Sealed inside this safe will be the identity of the next 5 DNA Legends. Five separate drawers contain encrypted envelopes. These envelopes are sealed, and at a convenient point in time, they will reveal the next legend to it owner. " At a convenient point in time? How in the hell is it going to know what time it is, especially if it's using one of these watches?!

I guess this whole thing turned out to be one of those "Good news/Bad news" kind of a deal. The good news is you shouldn't worry about the recession that may or may not be. The bad news is that there are far too many soft headed individuals in the world who have a ridiculous amount of money that they are just dying to piss away in a manner that they believe makes them look cooler than the rest of us who know what time it is. The only way they would look really cool to me is if they put on a helmet. Soon.

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Bonjour, Pierre

Penguins are an odd duck. Well, they're not really a duck. They're a bird. A duck's a bird. But a duck isn't a penguin. Though a penguin can be an odd duck, just as long as you know he isn't one. A duck, that is. He's still a penguin, odd or not.

A penguin is a bird. And like birds, penguins have feathers. But a penguin's feathers are waterproof. That's convenient because they do tend to spend quite a bit of time plunging themselves into bodies of water in which to swim around in. So, the penguin relies on his waterproof feathers to keep him warm when he's in the cold water. Now, if you think of a penguin's feathers as being like his hair, then it will make a little more sense when I tell you that as penguins get older, they can go bald. In that way, the penguin is kind of like the human male, only the penguin has enough sense to not do the combover when he starts to go bald.

The problem with a balding penguin is that, obviously, he starts to lose those waterproof feathers. Then when he goes in the water, he realizes what the rest of us already know. It's like really freaking cold in that water! And the penguin isn't an idiot. It doesn't take long before a balding penguin realizes that without those feathers, that water is just too damn cold and he doesn't want to swim in it when it's that cold. Oh, he still wants to swim. But, like I said, he's not an idiot. He might be funny looking, being all bald, but he's not an idiot.

The "he" in this situation is Pierre, an African penguin residing at the California Academy of Sciences in San Francisco. Pierre is 25 and most penguins live to be about 20 or so. Thus, Pierre is old and that is why he had lost his feathers which resulted in FBPB (Full Body Penguin Baldness). Behold! Pierre the Bald African Penguin!

(That is one sad lookin' bird right there.) As I said, Pierre isn't an idiot and there was no way he was going in that cold water, even if it did mean not being able to swim with his other 19 penguin buddies. No, Pierre just stood and shivered on the sidelines. Well, until Pam Schaller, a senior aquatic biologist over there, wondered if a wetsuit would help Pierre. She had already tried heat lamps and that didn't do it. (I'm picturing a penguin buffet with warming lights.) But since wetsuits keep bald AND dumb humans fairly comfortable in the water, why not a penguin? Behold! A penguin wearing a wetsuit! I guess the guys who make dive gear over there at Oceanic Worldwide in San Leandro were pretty stoked about being able to make a wetsuit for a penguin. They made him one all tailored specifically for his little waddling little body. And now he looks pretty sharp, for a penguin wearing a wetsuit. (The other penguins don't seem to mind. Or notice. Hard to say which it is.)

Pierre has had the suit about six weeks and he's pretty much back to being a regular penguin (in a wetsuit). He's gained some weight and he's even started to grow some feathers back. (Apparently, a wetsuit is like Rogaine for penguins. Who knew?) Now all he needs is a surfboard so he can join that surfing cat!

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Be Aware Of All Laws You Violate

So with this whole FLDS polygamist compound down yonder in Texas (Hmmm...an offshoot religious cult holed up on their own compound in the state of Texas. Who'd a thunk it?) there seems to be a lot in the news about the women and about the children. And from what I've seen and heard from these women, my opinion is that they really seem to believe in what they've been doing and how they've been living. And it's the conveyance of that belief with a rather vacuous and monotone delivery of non-responsive answers to questions posed that really makes you wonder about what really goes on inside of a community with a lifestyle such as the one of the FLDS crew.

Those who I've wanted to hear about and hear from are the men of that wacky Wife Wonderland . What are THEY like? What do they think? Would you be surprised at all to learn that they are very similar to the women with their empty stares and their halting and forced speech and their non-responsive answers to questions? It shouldn't surprise you at all, because that's just how it is. The men, however, do have an additional aspect to their personalities. That aspect is fear, as in "I might go to jail because of my collection of child brides" fear.

The video here (courtesy of The Early Show and CBS) is an interview of three male FLDS members from the Texas compound. The video is about 5 minutes long (sorry about the freaking commercial at the beginning), and you'll probably get the idea after about a minute, but I'm going to recap just a bit here.

The FLDSers that we meet are Edson, Rulon and Jake. They all look rather subdued, as one would expect now that your wife clan and children farm has been taken away from you and you could very well be in a lot of trouble, and they appear to be sitting in some sort of a log cabin, the official dwelling structure of the FLDS.

Then the questions begin and so does the enlightenment. These guys are clearly not the sharpest tools in the polygamist's shed. They give brief answers that sound rehearsed and tend to be non-responsive to the specific question they are asked. If you've got a bridge in Brooklyn to sell, I'd ask these guys if they're interested before you talk to anyone else. You might save yourself a lot of time.

They're first asked how many children they've cranked out over at Camp FLDS. They all answered with the number of children and the range of their ages. The whole thing seemed a bit robotic, even for robots. But it IS very telling and does explain how weird little societal offshoots like this one can continue to grow. I'm sure it's not real difficult to convince a bunch of Rulon's out there that being a polygamist on a closed compound in Texas is the life for you!

But then Edson gives us plenty of insight with a little diatribe that would have caused any attorney representing him to have a heart attack. Eldon stated, "I think they have a very false perception of the way we live. Because we're quite closed mouthed, they assume a lot of things that aren't there." (Well, I don't know that we assume that because they're "quite closed mouthed". I think we "assume a lot of things" because they're polygamists and they marry underage girls and have sex with them. And that seems like a perfectly reasonable basis upon which to begin to "assume" things.)

The reporter, just to clarify Edson's statement asked, "So are you saying that older men do not marry adolescent girls in your compound?" And Edson, just to clarify his statement, responded, " I didn't say that at all. (insert attorney heart attack here) But I think that people have a false concept of what our religion is all about. To say that they are sexually abused and that people here are...they haven't found anything, to my knowledge, that proves that, but I think that overall they look at us as if we are immoral people. And in our own make up, that is the very most important part of our religion is to be morally clean. You know, I have a hard time standing here and being a criminal when I had no idea that I'm a criminal. I've always strived to be an upright man and my children, my family, everyone that I know love me. And I love them."

Edson struck me as completely brainwashed, yet slowly becoming aware of the situation he's placed himself in and is now afraid for his future. Seems appropriate.

The reporter's next insightful question consisted of, "If an adolescent did have sex with an older man, you would consider that abuse?" Rulon took that question and although he tried to answer authoritatively, he came across as if he was Forrest Gump and had just read the pocket version of "So You Want To Be A Lawyer." He said, "The state...of Texas has defined it as that. I would simply say, if you had a teenage girl that chose to go that way could you force her to do otherwise? No, you could not. We are not a people of force. We are a people of free agency and peace. Yet we do not teach our children to have sexual conduct before they are of age. We do not teach them that. We teach them the contrary." By making sure he was clear about the "state of Texas" and it's definition of abuse, it sure did come across that it wasn't HIS defintion of abuse.

The reporter asked them if they have reconsidered what they have been doing. You know, given the whole, taking 416 children away from the compound ordeal. Forrest Rulon takes this question. "Yes. Many of us, perhaps, were not even aware of such a law. But, yes, we have been made very aware in the last two weeks and we have, we do reconsider. Yes. We teach our children to abide the law." Oh, are you kidding me?!

You teach your children to abide the law?? If that was the case, I guess I would expect you to KNOW the law then, Rulon! Wouldn't that be your responsibility, seeing as how you're the one claiming to be the law-abiding instructor there? Shouldn't you KNOW what the laws ARE so you can teach them correctly to the children? One would think that would be the case. But you guys, well, you just weren't aware.

Well, since they weren't aware of such a law, I guess that changes everything, right? No harm, no foul? Um, no. Not quite. Spare me. You knew it wasn't OK and instead of NOT doing it, you just holed up on your little compound there and figured that the rest of the world would just leave you alone so you could do whatever you wanted to believe that you could do. And if you're ever confronted, just pretend you weren't aware. (And really, trying to come across as being "unaware" will probably be just like second nature for you guys. I doubt that "pretending" will play much of a part at all in that.)

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OMG, OGC!

The Office of Government Commerce over there in London decided that they needed some sort of a catchy logo to represent their department. They paid 14,000 of those lira things to have a logo created that would show a bold commitment to the body’s aim of “improving value for money by driving up standards and capability in procurement”. Oh, it did appear to be driving something up. You'd think that for 14,000 lira things, someone within the group of people responsible for creating the logo might have been able to do what people who weren't responsible for creating the logo could. That would be to look at the design you've created from all angles, just to save yourselves from mockery later on. (Oh, and to save yourself from having to hear "penis" a lot. I mean a LOT.)

Here's the logo that was created for the OGC:

Not bad. Looks....wait. What if I....turn it...like....this:

And it's hard to say what's more amusing, the logo debacle itself, or the comments that were made by the OGC about the logo. So many puns, so little time. According to the fine folks over there at The Telegraph, “It is true that it caused a few titters among some staff when viewed on its side, but on consideration we concluded that the effect was generic to the particular combination of the letters OGC - and it is not inappropriate to an organisation that’s looking to have a firm grip on Government spend.” Yes, good idea, boys. Make sure you get a "firm grip" on that. Hang on tight. Not too tight! You don't want to break it!

Another person who commented on the logo/man-holding-penis design was brand expert Michael Hamilton. Hamilton said that this could be a positive thing for the OGC. “They’re going to get more column inches than they could ever have expected before. If I were them, I would be pretty pleased.” Yes. I'm sure that their inches will grow as a result. Nice job, Mike.

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Me? Kinky? Who Knew?

More hooker-y goodness from over there in New York and ex-Gov. Idiot Eliot Spitzer. According to the fine folks over yonder at my favorite US News-y Tabloid-y publication, the New York Post, a second high priced hooker has emerged and is spewing details about some of the more kinky aspects of Spitzer's penchant for prostitutes. Excellent. This could get good. Or it could just get weird. It's hard to say if it gets kinky. I'll let you judge.

The newly found, informing hooker apparently told investigators that Spitzer liked to "use sex toys to enhance his own pleasure." Well, OK. I mean, I don't know if I'd consider that "kinky", but it does enhance the story line a bit (and it will definitely spice up the Movie of the Week when it airs on Lifetime). The informing hooker has also assured us that "the full portrait of Mr. Spitzer's sexual interests has yet to be told." (And I'm thinking, well, GOOD! Because if the "full portrait" only consisted of him using sex toys on himself, that's a pretty boring portrait. What else ya got?)

Well, according to the Post, the hooker went on to graphically detail ("Graphically detail?" Like pie charts? Bar graphs? What are we talking about here?) Spitzer's sexual fetishes and said that he had "a penchant for props". A hooker used the term "penchant for props"? That sounds like a slogan that a whorehouse would use to round up some business. "Need to get laid? Have a penchant for props? Then come on down to Miss Kitty's Fuck Factory!"

And here's the real jaw dropper...ready? Hope you're sitting down. She also said that "Spitzer liked to keep his socks on during sex." He WHAT?! Wait. He what?

That's right. Kept his SOCKS ON. On. ON! I'm telling you, his socks were ON! I know, I know. I had to read it twice myself. Now, I'm sure it will also shock you to learn that a sock wearing Spitzer having sex was a claim that Republican political operative Roger Stone had made prior to this episode of "Confessions of a High Priced Hooker." Not only did Stone know about the sock wearing during sex, he detailed it out in "a November letter he wrote to the FBI about Spitzer and prostitutes that included details of the bizarre habit." Um, WTF?

How is this kinky? (How is this "news" is really what I'm wondering, but back to kinky.) Wearing socks whilst having sex is kinky? Is it only for governors that the kinky factor is applied when sexing with socks? Elected officials? More importantly, how does one wearing socks to have sex warrant writing a letter about it to the F-B-freaking-I?! Did the FBI CARE that he was wearing socks? Did the FBI think it was kinky?

I'm so confused. I'm also very kinky, apparently, as I, too, have been sexed up whilst wearing socks. But in my defense, I just thought that my feet were cold. I really didn't know I was being kinky. (I'd like to say that if I had known that, I would have enjoyed it more, but I can't see how that would have been possible. It was pretty freaking good!) And now that I think about it, it didn't feel kinky. I wonder if it was. Maybe I was doing it wrong. Huh. Guess I'll have to do it again to find out.

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Can We Protest The Protest?

As long as I was recently on the subject of the FLDS polygamist compound and other subjects that could be seen as being related to the FLDS fiasco (ie, penis theft), I figured I should probably add this. But I'm not happy about it.

Yes, there are a lot of people out there who are opposed to the whole polygamist lifestyle, but there are also a whole lot of people out there who are all in favor of the polygamist lifestyle (mainly the polygamists). Regardless as to if you think it's OK, it's against the law, so you just can't do it. If you'd like to work to get the laws changed, I think that is just a fan-tabulous idea. But until then, you really can't bitch too loudly when your gaggle of women is taken away from you. And even if you're not the one with the gaggle of women at your sexual beck and call, you still can't bitch. Apparently, some people didn't get that memo.

One of those who seems to be unclear on this concept would be Robert Breeze, an attorney in Salt Lake. Actually, this isn't the only concept Bob is unclear on. He also seems to be unclear on the fact that there is NO relationship between NBA basketball playoffs and the FLDS polygamist sect in Texas. That's the only reason I can come up with (other than he's dumber than a box of hair) for him to be calling for a protest rally Thursday night and Saturday night outside of the Energy Solutions Arena in Salt Lake when the Utah Jazz will be playing the Houston Rockets. (Side note: GO JAZZ!)

The following is from the blog "The Polygamy Files: The Tribune's blog on plural life" by Brooke Adams, the polygamy reporter for the Salt Lake Tribune. Brooke received the following notice from Breeze:

Protest Rally

Let the children go home!

Event: Utah Jazz vs. Houston Rockets

Dates: 4-24-08 and 4-26-08

Time: 6:30pm & 8:30pm (Right before Jazz game starts)

Place: In front of the Energy Solutions Arena, Salt Lake City, Utah

Make your own signs!

Examples: ''Shame on Texas!'' ''You messed up, Texas'' ''CPS = Gestapo'' ''Let the children go home!'' ''Stop Breaking Up Families!'' ''Free the Children'' ''Don't Trample Our Rights'' ''Guilty Before Charged?'' ''Star of David Moot with DNA'' ''CPS = Nazi's'' ''CPS = KGB'' ''CPS plays God again'' or bring your own idea.

Purpose: For nationwide coverage of American Citizens protesting against the civil rights violations of the families in Eldorado, Texas. Houston is coming to town to play the Jazz for the playoffs and will have sufficient coverage to reach the whole nation.

This rally is being sponsored by Bob Breeze, a Salt Lake City Attorney, who is concerned for the civil rights of these families in Texas. He has prepared letters to the Utah Jazz and Houston Rockets demanding they cancel the remainder of their playoff games as a sign of solidarity and respect for the citizens of Texas (former residents of Utah) who have had their homes raided and their children taken.For more information, contact Bob Breeze at xxx-xxx-xxxx.

*******

Let's see...how do I approach this? Oh, that's right. I know. WTF?!

Maybe I'm missing something here, as I can see no clear relationship between the FLDS polygamist sect in Texas and an NBA playoff game. (Although.....there IS only ONE basketball and TEN guys on the court. Maybe that's where he got confused. Whatever it is, this guy is nuts.) The picture below clearly illustrates the differences between the FLDS and the NBA.

Look, the NBA and the FLDS have NOTHING to do with each other! I don't care if one team is from Utah and the other team is from Texas. That has nothing to do with it! You should NOT be having a protest about anything in a setting that is totally removed from the issue that you are trying to protest. And you really shouldn't protest something that is totally moronic. If you would like to protest that the civil rights that were violated were those of the young girls who were being raped by older men who were satisfying their own perverted and narcissistic desires under the guise of a religion, feel free, Bob. But regardless, do it somewhere other than outside of an NBA playoff game.

By the way, Bob? Just because you're supplying the paint for this idiotic art project of yours, doesn't make your sign slogan suggestions there any less lame. What the hell does "Star of David Moot with DNA" mean anyway? Who the hell is David Moot?

And "cancel the remainder of their playoff games"? Then what? You are clearly unfamiliar with how the whole playoff system works. You are also clearly unfamiliar with your own sanity.

There's another implication of a stupid stunt like this that just burns my toast. It's not like Utah has all that great of a PR image as it is, and that's unfortunate because it's really not as bad or as weird as it sometimes gets made out to be. It's a great place and I miss it (on occasion). And there's great people who live there, people who are NOT polygamists, people who are NOT raping underage girls, people who do NOT agree with the FLDS sect, people who are NOT breaking the laws. But when protests like these end up getting some national exposure, it's not exactly an image booster for Utah.

Utah is a great place and it's full of a lot of great people and a few nutjobs like Bob Breeze. It's unfortunate that in situations like these, you only hear about the nutjobs. But Bob isn't representative of Utah overall. He's only a representative of anyone who shows up for his rally. So if you're going to make any judgments about this whole dealio, hopefully it will be that the Utah Jazz rule and that the Rockets are going get their ass kicked. Oh, and that you should never hire Bob Breeze if you're in the market for a competent individual to serve as your defense attorney.

By the way, protesting ridiculous causes in ridiculous manners is not something that Robert Breeze is unfamiliar with. In August of 2006, Breeze was the organizer of the "Death to Israel" rally that he held in Salt Lake in anticipation of a visit by President Bush. At that time, Breeze stated his goal was to "protest the torture and murder inflicted on Muslims by Israel and the penetration of the U.S. media by Israeli intelligence." Breeze and his group, The Center to Prevent Corporate Media Lying, had previously protested in front of KSL studios against the media coverage of the Iraq war. His "protesters" included residents from local homeless shelters who were paid for their participation in his event. Breeze called them "vicarious protesters." ("Vicarious" meaning "delegated".) I call them "fake protesters". When Breeze was asked if he wanted to see Israel eliminated and he replied, "The President of Iran has an excellent idea. . . . I would like to see them move Israel to Virginia and put all the current Virginians in a concentration camp. Then we'll see how popular Israel is in the United States." WTF?

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Hang On To Everything

You know how sometimes you go on vacation and you lose something? Sometimes you lose your luggage. Sometimes you lose your wallet. (More than once you've lost your dignity.) And although it really sucks to lose any of those, trust me when I say that you're going to want to hang onto a little bit more than your luggage, your wallet and your dignity if you're going to be spending any time in Congo, especially if you're a guy. Yeah, you're going to want to hold onto your penis as well. And not in the Biblical sense. (Wait. What?)

The headline over there at africa.reuters.com screams out, "Lynching in Congo as penis theft panic hits capital". Apparently, Congo has the unfortunate problem of "penis-snatching" (that's quite a twisted oxymoron if I've ever heard one). The more unfortunate problem is that it is not uncommon. Apparently, in West Africa there is a widespread belief in witchcraft and in traditional religions where ritual killings in order to get blood or body parts occurs regularly. WTF?! (I know of NO "traditional religions" that involve the stealing of someone else's penis! NONE!)

According to the fine folks over there at Reuters, the penis theft rumors began last week over there in Congo's capital of Kinshasa. I don't know why they used the term "rumors" to describe "penis theft". That seems like a pretty easy "rumor" to either verify or debunk. The validity of any sort of "penis thieving rumors" should be easily proven or disproven. (And you won't need a fancy test kit or anything like that to make your determination either. No, you'll just be able to eyeball this one and figure it out.) But, like rumors are known to do, they quickly spread and the talk radio shows were inundated with calls advising listeners "to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings." (It is apparently a little known fact that the main identifying mark of a penis thief is a gold ring. And that's odd because I would have thought that the main identifying mark of a penis thief would be someone carrying around an extra penis.) But then things start to get a little weird.

So far, 14 victims have "claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear." Some of the residents said that was an attempt to extort some cash from those with the newly shrunken (or vanished) genitals in exchange for a cure. (What exactly would the "cure" be for a "missing" penis?) The police have arrested some sorcerers as well as their victims. This is apparently "an effort to avoid the sort of bloodshed seen in Ghana a decade ago, when 12 suspected penis snatchers were beaten to death by angry mobs." Ah, yes, the Angry Ghana Penis Riots of 1996. I remember them well. Wait. What? WTF?!?! No I DON'T!! Is someone making this stuff up!?!?!

Let's review because I'm confused. You've got a bunch of guys in Congo who say that some sort of wizard dude touched their schlong and made it shrink up like a frightened turtle in some cases and made it disappear all together in other cases. (The article isn't real clear as to HOW that disappearing penis trick works. I mean, I know magicians aren't supposed to reveal their secrets, but in this case it seems warranted. ) In the cases when "it" has shrunk up so much that they think that it's gone, the police have to verify the presence of the penis and then tell them that it's still there. However, according to Kinshasa's police chief, Jean-Dieudonne Oleko, "But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent. To that I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it'?" Good point, sir. I can see why you're the chief of police.

What have we learned? I'll tell you what we've learned. We've learned a hell of a lot more than we ever wanted to, that's for sure. And we're going to learn one more thing before we're done. Apparently, this sort of thing is also happening in the West African country of the Republic of Benin. But if you'll look at the map of Benin below, it kind of makes sense why it's happening THERE.

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FLDS - Four Layers During Summer

Up until right now, I have successfully managed to just pipe down about Camp FLDS over there in Eldorado, Texas. (Eldorado would appear to be just outside of Polygamyville and a bit to the west of Pedophile-burbia.) However, I am now unsuccessful in keeping quiet on the whole ordeal because there's no way I can pass this up "Polygamist Wives' Fashion is a Statement." Oh, it's a statement all right. Let's see what it says, shall we?

The "fashion" of the FLDS women looks sort of like a cross between a 6-year old girl on Easter Sunday in 1958 and that of very pastel-y "Little House on the Prairie" garb. It IS a statement. It is NOT stating that is is fashionable. Behold!

Now, I took one look at that and the first thing I thought was, "Oh, my God. It's 1862. My time machine works!" Please note, they do not look happy to be dressed like that. They probably don't look happy in general, but neither would I if I had to wear a lilac-colored frock whilst old men on the compound were waiting to sex me up after I turned 14 and they married me. But that's just me.

It's not just the colors that I have a problem with. It's the whole ensemble that I find disturbing. (Not as disturbing as the entire premise of the FLDS cult-like community-compound, but disturbing, nonetheless.) The style of the clothing worn by these poor brainwashed women is a combination of the styles seen in the early 19th century and that of the 1950s clothing that the church assimilated into their practices. The combining of the two styles seemed to occur "when the church took a conservative turn." (I am more than a little curious to know what the church was like before the "conservative" card was played. I mean, how un-conservative could they possibly have been? What? Did they let sunlight beam down upon their wrists on occasion?)

That fascinating bit of apparel trivia was according to Janet Bennion who uses her schooling in anthropology to study polygamist women. (For some reason, I find that amusing. I can almost hear the voice-overs on The Discovery Channel. "Here we are on the outskirts of a compound where the elusive FLDS polygamist woman is rumored to live. We'll stay crouched over here behind this rock and hopefully some of them will emerge. It is through the diligent observation of the polygamist women that we will learn more about their species and will be able to answer questions such as "What is their habitat?" "What do they eat?" "What do they feed their young?")

Continuing with my reasons that no one should follow this practice at all is the part where anyone who is a member of this polygamist sect, including very small children, is to wear the long white cotton or polyester underwear that covers from their neck all the way down to their ankles. The Jesus Jammies are styled after the original temple garments of Joseph Smith (the founder of the regular LDS Church.)So they're basically sheathed from neck to toe in either cotton or polyester. All the time. Every day. All year-round. (And it sounds just torturous to me.)

Oh, but they're not done getting dressed yet! Now that they are clad from their neck all the way down to their ankles in this underwear, they are supposed to disguise the underwear with at least three layers of clothing on top of that. (You know how I "disguise" my underwear? That's right, I put on some pants. Not three layers of pants. Just one pair of pants. But, then again, I'm not covered in underwear from head to toe, either. But I still like my method better.)

Three layers of nylons are to cover the women's legs. And then they have the polyester frock on top of that! (The frock color choices are limited to the pastel line because "the spirit of God cannot reside in anything colorful". Also, "the spirit of God" cannot reside in anything that is black, anything with a print or anything that is red, as red is reserved for Christ to reside in. So you're looking at between 4 to 5 layers of clothing from your neck to your ankles all the time. Do you have any idea what the average temperature is over there in Eldorado? From June through August, the average temperature is 92 really freaking hot degrees! (I don't recall a whole lot of "Thou shalt sweat like a roasted swine 24/7" in the Bible. And although I don't have a very in depth knowledge of the Bible's content overall, I'm pretty sure I'd remember hearing something about that.)

The women's dresses are meant to show modesty and conformity, which is why they must make sure every inch of skin that could be considered "provocative" is covered. Congratulations, ladies. Modesty? Oh, that garb is modest all right. Conformity? Sadly, it definitely sends the message that you all are conforming over there. John Llewellyn, who is a retired Salt Lake County Sheriff's lieutenant and a polygamy expert, says that the other reason the women are covering themselves is "so that they're unattractive to the outside world or other men." And again, congratulations, ladies. You've made yourself unattractive to other men AND other women as well! Nice job!

Janet Binnion also says that the women's clothing is stitched with special markings which "protect the body and to remind you of you commitment." Protect the body? Probably only if they fell down. They're wearing so many layers, they wouldn't feel a thing! And it would be difficult not to be reminded that you should have yourself committed for wearing 4 layers of cotton and polyester in the middle of the summer.

And what better way to compliment your polygamist woman look that you're striving for than with a hairstyle that screams "I'm crazy!" just as loudly as the rest of your wardrobe does. The polygamist women never cut their hair. No, it's not so they can swaddle themselves in their own hair to cover up their underwear suit. It because when the Second Coming rolls around, they will use their hair to wash Christ's feet. Wait. What?

Wash his FEET?! With their hair!? OK, I'm starting to think that someone is just making this stuff up. And I'd almost believe that were the case if I hadn't seen all of the pictures of these long haired, over dressed, prairie women milling about Texas. They take this hair thing pretty seriously, too. Since there is a quote in the Bible that says that a woman's hair should be her crowning glory (and they don't look like they have a whole lot going on over there that would qualify as "glorious" and that would include the hair), the women have come up with what "crowning glory" looks like. Behold! Crowning glory.

In case you're dying to try this at your next neighborhood polygamist Tupperware party or other festive get together, the bangs are grown out and then they are rolled. Don't be whipping out that curling iron to roll them, though! That's just too modern. The sides of the hair are done in what are called "sausage curls" (a style developed by the wife of Jimmy Dean. Yes, that is correct.) and then the back of the hair is braided. The higher that the "sausage curl" sits above the forehead, the more righteous the woman. The younger women seem to go with a more Elvis-y kind of pompadour look, which clearly strives for the "righteousness" of the elder brainwashed women. And just so you know, the only time you'll be letting that hair down in when it's your turn to go through the turnstile and spend a little time in the sack with your husband. Other than that, you shall always be sporting the self-righteous, sausage-y goodness, poofy, bun-like do on your head. Lucky you.

See what I mean? This is just bizarre on way too many levels. Multiple wives. Polygamist compounds. Several layers of thick clothing all the time. And the heat! My God, the heat! It's all a bit much if you're asking me. But I saved the "crowning glory", if you will, of the imprisoned and brainwashed polygamist wife look for last. To get it to all come together for the full effect that you're going for here, you need to remember two words. Don't tweeze.

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Hans Reiser Trial Quote Goodness

As long as the Hans Reiser trial is nearing an end, it seems fairly appropriate to provide some of the more interesting quips and moments from the trial. Remember, this thing went on for five months; sometimes in excruciatingly detail that was elicited in a painfully slow manner. It is a wonder that anyone on the jury still has hair (no one has pulled all of theirs out...yet) and it's also a wonder that no one on the jury has a concussion from beating their head up against a wall during the course of all of this. Thus, I probably find these quotes a bit more amusing than they do at the moment. And so will you.

• "To get into a cleaning mood, when I start cleaning, I'm obsessive about it and I clean things too much."
  
• "I'm sorry that might not be communicative. But somebody will understand." (Someone who doesn't need communicative communication might understand.)




• 
  
  
  
• "There was an intellectual limit to my procrastination." (Yep, your smarts will only allow you to put things off for just so long.)


• "I was paranoid and this was on the same day that somebody was following me." (And the definition of "paranoia" was born!)


• "The police were an expected problem."




• 
  
  
  
• "Do you want me to go back in the history that causes me grounds to be paranoid?" (I'd have to assume that this would the the day someone was following him.)
  
• "There are a whole bunch of things that have caused me to be progressively more, how do I say, hyper-vigilant." (Nothing wrong with hypervigilant. On an occasion. Or two. Not more than two. But occasionally. It's just being thorough. Kind of like now.)


• "Random debris accumulates in my fanny pack." (What?)




• 
  
  
  

• "Living in Russia and living in America contributes to your paranoia."


• "Over time, the paranoia increased. Well, mentally, I was worried." ("Mentally worried" as opposed to another kind of worried?)
  
• When William DuBois was asked, "How difficult is it defending someone as smart as Hans?" he replied, "Very difficult."


• Follow-up question: "In what way?" Follow-up answer: "In every way."
  
  
• Reiser: "I wish to change my attorney." (Said loudly at various points throughout the trial.)
  
• "Do you wish to explain the remark about cannibalism?" Asked of Hans Reiser by Mr. DuBois after Reiser said that he had no problems with Nina's boyfriend, Anthony Zografos, because "he wasn't into cannibalism." (I'd like that explained! Alas, it was not.)


• Judge Goodman: "Does the defense rest?"

Reiser:"No, it does not rest!" (Since Hans was clearly not resting, he continued voicing his complaints as he went down a list of his issues he had wrote down. He included false statements, the subornation of perjuy, witnesses "making things up," a DA Inspector taking out a piece of his mother's wall, testimony by an OPD criminalist Shannon Cavness, the cherry tree at the back of his house. And the list went on and one to the sum of about 75 pages!

******

• "Mr. Reiser, I have about had it with you. You are rude. You are arrogant. There's not enough words in the English language to describe the way you are. You have been trying to make a mockery of these proceedings. You have mocked the court reporter. You have mocked the prosecutor -- oh you don't remember?" (The judge was referring to court reporter Annie Mendiola. He clarified because Reiser apparently disagreed.) "When she asked you to slow down, you said, 'Oh. O-K. I'll. Talk. Slower.' You have made a mockery of everything about these proceedings. You are not in control of this courtroom. You are not in charge of these proceedings. If you want to ask Mr. Fuery to come in tomorrow, we'll see if he's willing to come take up your defense. You're not going to have a continuance.You have your lawyers. I'm tired of hearing you talk. If you continue to disrupt this courtroom, I will have you removed from this courtroom."
  

******

• "May I make a record?" Reiser asked.

Judge Goodman, "No, you may not."

******

• Hans has previously stated that at some point after his wife disappeared, he did took the normal course of action and went looking for deer in the woods with a flashlight. (Of course he did.)
  

DuBois: "How would you describe the weather conditions?

Reiser: "I don't remember."

DuBois: "Was it dark?"

Reiser: "Yes."

DuBois: "Was there a moon?"

Reiser: "I don't remember."

Long pause.

Reiser: "I remember the owl." (Thank God no one asked him about the owl.)

******

• "DuBois: Do you remember any details of the camping trip?"

Reiser: "Well, she was pissy at the Big Sur one. The Yellowstone one was more fun. And, just, kind of -- you should never go on a vacation with a woman at that time of the month. It's better to stay home and work the weekend than to go on vacation at the time of the month. You'll have more fun. The next time a woman brings a box of tampons on a camping trip I'll turn around. Yellowstone was fun. Bison came right up to the car." (Well, he's all-inclusive, I'll give him that.)

******

• Reiser: "Scientists communicate by reference to data. If I can't give the examples, I can't communicate effectively because that's not how scientists talk. We don't just throw out assertions that can't be supported by data points that prove what we say. I have a habit, I have a compulsive tendency to say things that I know are true, that people do not want to be true, and I do this by reference to the data."
  

******

• Email from Hans to Nina onAug. 24, 2005: "It is 1941 and you are the Nazis and you think we will not suffer the necessary amount to defeat you."

******

• When asked by Prosecutor Hora where he had spent a night, Reiser said that he "either slept at his house or at a hotel, which, I don't know."

Hora: "Did you save all your hotel receipts?"

Reiser: "No."

Hora: "So I don't have all your hotel receipts?"

Reiser: "Um, that would be the logical implication."

Hora: "Right. 'Cause how would I get them if you don't have them?"

Reiser: "You're being very logical. You know, you're making a real good argument! I'm inclined to believe you!"

******

• Hora: "Why are you saying things and you know they're not precise?"
  

Reiser: "Because I'm a fool."

******

• When referring to a seat that had been removed from the Honda CRX, Mr. Hora asked Mr. Reiser, "Can you show us how you threw it in the Dumpster?"

Reiser: "Sure." (He got up and picked up the replica seat, put it in a reclining position and then briefly stopped to look over toward Hora's table.)

Hora: "Don't throw it on the table, please."

Reiser: "I don't want to throw it on the jury. Actually, I would like to be precise and say it was necessary to do a swinging motion because it wasn't easy to get it over the tip of the Dumpster. It was actually a tall Dumpster. It required a real swinging motion to get it over."

*****

• Hora: "What should you do if you're being followed by the police?"

Reiser: "I don't know."

Hora: "Run from them?"

Reiser: "Um, they did attempt to stampede me into -- I had a feeling they were trying to stampede me into a chase scene."

Hora: "And you thought the best approach if you were being followed by police, when your wife is missing is to "run and hide from them, right?"

Reiser: "I can see how this could be seen as inconsiderate and insensitive to the police and everyone else."

******

• Reiser: "I am not consistent with my thinking."
  
  Hora: "That's a hallmark of lying, isn't it?"

Reiser: "It's a hallmark of real people."

******

• Hora: "How smart are you?"

Reiser: Not very."

Hora: "Are you a genius?"

Reiser: "No, but I can fake it."

Hora: "What's your IQ?"

Reiser: "I haven't taken an IQ test."

Hora: "You claim to be world-famous, right?"

Reiser: "I've had the occasion to write that on papers, yes."

Hora: "Is the reason you described yourself as a world-famous, internationally-renowned scientist because you believe you are such a person?"

Reiser: "Yes."

Hora: "Still do?"

Reiser: ."I think the word 'renowned' is no longer appropriate."

******

• Reiser: "Can you give me a nice, simple well-defined, complete question without any references to other questions? Can you give me a sentence in which you use the word 'contradiction' so I can understand it?"

Hora: "What was the second part of the reason for the erratic driving besides going to the bar?"

Reiser: "Um, I prefer not to answer that."

*****

• "You're kind of asking me for a legal conclusion, sir, as to whether I should have provided the police with my car. I guess you're implicitly asking me for a legal conclusion -- you didn't explicitly. I don't have a great deal of desire to give the government all of my possessions -- not my underwear, not my car, definitely not my children....Your question is ridiculous."

******

• Hora : "I don't want you to comment on your appearance."

Reiser: "You are kind....I do look fat in that photograph."

*****

• Reiser: "I had a bad experience with family court with traumatic stress disorder due to violent computer games."

******

• Reiser: ."Well, um, so you don't want me to give my cockamamie theory?"

******

• DuBois: "So here are some numbers you don't remember correctly, your cell phone?"

Reiser: "Yeah. I know it's not very stereotypical, but computer-science people aren't necessarily all that good with addition, subtraction and remembering numbers."

DuBois: "So you don't remember numbers that well."

Reiser: "I guess it all depends on how interesting it is."

******

• DuBois: "Was that the first time we met?" (Asked in reference to a Sept. 7, 2006 meeting in Oakland that they had together.)

Reiser: "Yes. You seemed to be a very likeable, avuncular gentleman."

DuBois: "Thank you for sharing."

******

Yes. We'd like to thank ALL of you for sharing.

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Platypus-ian Closing Arguments - Finally

It's almost over. The trial of Hans Reiser is almost at a much anticipated and long overdue end. Prosecutor Paul Hora will finish up his rebuttal closing arguments tomorrow morning and then the judge will give the jury instructions and then....let the deliberations begin!

Naturally, there had to be just a bit more hilarity before this thing was over. Defense attorney William DuBois is sticking with his "my client is a platypus" theme and continued to project images of platypi on a screen in the courtroom. (I'm assuming he also continued referring to said platypi as "Hans", just so we don't forget that "platypus" = "Hans". While that's very considerate and thorough, I doubt anyone is going to forget that "platypus" = "Hans". Ever.)

Mr. DuBois did add an element to his description of Hans and that was that Hans is "an eccentric". And just so everyone would be clear on his definition of "eccentric", he projected onto the courtroom screen a page from Wikipedia that discusssed eccentricity, telling the jury, "I wanted to know what that was." So he read the following from the page,""This behavior would typically be perceived as unusual or unnecessary, without being demonstrably maladaptive." After that, Du Bois added, "Whatever that means." Wait. What? HE doesn't know what that meant, but he's reading it to the jury and expecting them to know what it means? Dude, back to platypus. Back to platypus!!

He continued with "Eccentricity is contrasted with "normal" behavior, the nearly universal means by which individuals in society solve given problems and pursue certain priorities in everyday life. For people who consistently display benignly eccentric behavior, there is a label: 'eccentrics'." He then stopped reading and told the jury, "Prosecutors say he isn't normal. I'll stipulate to that. He's not normal. I'm sorry Hans," he said to the platypus Hans. (Look, nothing is normal about this whole ordeal! Not Hans! Not Mr. DuBois! And certainly not the freakish platypus! NOTHING is normal. They should all be apologizing to us not each other!)

He then began to wrap up his argument by putting Hans in the not-so-favorable light that he has been known to do throughout this trial. He said, ""You may dislike him -- that would put you in the majority of people who know him -- but he didn't commit the crime." (You know, maybe I'm eccentric, but I might be starting to actually like Hans. I'm definitely not liking this defense or this defense attorney, however.)

Then Mr. Hora began his rebuttal arguments by stating to the jury what I had mentioned the other day. He told them that the platypus, while definitely odd looking and odd acting, also has that little spur on it's hind foot that has a poison venom in it that the platypus can use to attack other creatures. That clearly implied that "weird lookin' " doesn't necessarily equal "not able to kill something". He, unlike Mr. DuBois, did not feel the need to apologize to Hans. Shocking.

I have no idea how this jury is going to go on this one when they finally get the case. But I think that I know this much: I think that this jury is composed of at least twelve people and how ever many alternates that are, simply stated, the twelve-plus most patient people on this planet. To have had to sit through this for five months (thank God the platypus factor only became involved within the past week), to have had to sit and pay attention to this for five months, to have had to sit there and pay attention to this and not know that it would end up being five months and not know how long it was going to be at all and not know when (or IF) it was EVER going to come to an end....to be able to a) actually sit there, b) pay attention, and c) not hang yourself before it reached this point, well, that my friends, is the behavior of saints. And when those saints come to a verdict, whatever that may be, should be accepted and respected, if for no other reason than the ones I just stated.

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