Deep-Fried Fair Fat Goodness

It's time once again for the State Fair of Texas and that means loads of deep-fried goodness and deep-fried weirdness. Those two are often one and the same. The eight finalists for the Sixth Annual Big Tex Choice Awards have been announced. Let's see what we have to look forward to, shall we?

Up first is the Deep Fried S’mores Pop Tart. I'm not overly impressed with this one. It's just a S'mores flavored Pop Tart that has been battered and dropped in the fryer. OK, they serve it with some chocolate syrup and whipped cream when it's done, but how practical is that, really? You can't stab a Pop Tart with a fork, so I would imagine that the consumption process of this is going to be a little tricky. Then again, I've never had a Pop Tart that has been deep-fried, so maybe that does something to the chemical composition (of which the entire Pop Tart is comprised of).

In the category of ANTTA (Absolutely Nauseating To Think About), we have something dubbed Fernie’s Fried Club Salad: Take a big ol' spinach tortilla and put in some diced ham and diced chicken, shredded lettuce, carrot strips, cherry tomatoes and some bacon. Roll that sucker up and deep fry it like you would a chimichanga and throw some deep-fried croutons on top of it when you're done. Give the insane individual who wants to eat that a side of dressing and you're done. I have several issues with this. Who wants their lettuce deep fried? Or warm, for that matter? Not I. I'm also perplexed by the description given of this atrocity over there at About.com/Dallas, as they seem to imply that it is served on a stick. How does that work? Why would you want it to work like that? A stick? No stick. Get rid of the stick.

Who doesn't want lemonade when they're at a state fair? And who doesn't want that lemonade deep-fried? Wait? Deep-fried? That's right! Deep-fried! Deep-fried Lemonade! Simply take a lemon-flavored pastry (whatever that is supposed to mean) that has been made with lemonade and bake it and then fry it up. Glaze it with some lemonade, powdered sugar and lemon zest and you've got yourself...uh, something! You've definitely got yourself something there!

If there's one food that says "Texas" it's a Frito pie. And if there's one thing that says Texas State Fair, it's Deep-fried Frito Pie. Somehow, a one Nick Bert has managed to take chili and cheddar cheese, cover it around in Fritos, batter it and chuck it in the grease without the whole thing falling apart. Now that's some talent right there! He'd better do it right. Texans don't like folks messing with their Frito pies. I have to assume that it tastes better than it looks, there. Good thing they're not judged on presentation.

Abel Gonzales, Jr. is no stranger to deep frying things for the Texas State Fair. His deep-fried butter won the competition last year. He also had winners in previous years with his deep-fried cookie dough and his deep-fried peanut butter, jelly and banana sandwich. (Why add the banana? I have no idea. Deep-fried PB&J sounds fabulous all by itself.) This year he has concocted something called Deep-fried Chocolate, though I don't know why he calls it that. It is a brownie, stuffed with a piece of white chocolate and a cherry. Then that is dunked into chocolate cake batter before it hits the grease. He tops it all off with powdered sugar, cherry sauce and chocolate whipped cream. I still don't get why it isn't called a Deep-fried Brownie.

When I heard that there was something called Texas Fried Caviar, I couldn't imagine that would go over well. Texas doesn't seem like much of a caviar state to me. Turns out, Texas caviar is black-eyed peas. Now that makes sense! Simply take some black-eyed peas fried and add some "special spices" and some Old Bay seasoning (which is presumably different than the aforementioned special spices) and fry away! (I kind of think that a better name would have been Fried Texas Caviar. Everything else starts off with "fried", so why should this be any different? It's only going to confuse fair goers.)

I've saved the best two for last! The Deep-fried Margarita and the Deep-fried Beer! Bring 'em on! I think that I'd probably be more partial to the margarita, even though I am a big fan of beer. Take some sweet funnel cake batter and mix in either tequila or tequila flavored wine. Fry that baby up and dust it with some sort of lemon-lime mixture and served it in a salt-rimmed plastic glass. It sounds lovely. Although the deep-fried beer sounds just as lovely. It's basically a pretzel pocket with beer inside. Take one bite and the beer pours out, as it should. It's beer and pretzels all in one! What's not to love? You do have to be over 21 to purchase either one of these delectables, as they're not in the fryer long enough for the alcohol to burn out, as it shouldn't.

There you have it. Deep-fried goodness at the State Fair of Texas for 2010. It's a good thing that this dealio is only once a year. If people were to eat this kind of stuff all year 'round, the results would not be good. If one were to indulge in this kind of cuisine frequently it would be as a friend of mine said last night, "They might as well have chairs lined up with IVs filled with heated Crisco. Cut out the middleman." Well said, friend. Well said, indeed.

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Jacket Jackass

Let me ask you a question. Let's say you're a lawyer. OK, let's say that you're a douchebag lawyer. (I realize that's not much of a stretch for you to make and that's the only reason why I threw that in. It's not like I want to make reading this blog some sort of chore for any of you.) And let's say that you're in an airport. Not just any airport. Let's say that you're in the airport in Houston. With me so far? You're a douchebag lawyer at an airport in Houston. Good. Continue.

While at said Houston airport, you decide that you're a hungry douchebag and stop at one of the food vendors at the airport food court. Let's say...pizza. Pizza it is. You stop for pizza. Maybe at a place named Famiglia. Maybe not. You're not sure. But what you are pretty sure of is that you want to take off your coat. And not just any coat. You want to take off your Polo leather coat, size extra large (that's XL in clothing lingo) and sporting a spiffy plaid lining and cost you $800. That's right. $800. (I said you were a douchebag lawyer. Why are you surprised?) Still with me? You're coatless and enjoying pizza in the airport. Got it? Good. Continue.

Then, after consuming your pizza, you leave and catch your flight. Oh, wait a minute. You seem to have forgotten your jacket! Dang it! Well, crap. You can always call when you land and see if it's been turned in somewhere. I mean, it probably hasn't. After all, it had a plaid lining! If someone just saw that bad boy lying around without an owner, how long do you think it would last? Ahhh...see? You're with me, aren't you? I thought so!

Now, at some point after you've landed, you call the airport. You call the food court. You call the pizza joint, whatever it was called. No such luck. None of them have your coat. Bummer. Well, I guess the only thing left for you to do is to sue the City of Houston, sue Continental Airlines, and sue the management company of the food court. Wait. What now?

Correct. Meet a one 62-year old William Ogletree. He's a lawyer at Ogletree & Abbott, a law firm in Houston. He is said douchebag alluded to above in my not-so-hypothetical scenario that I laid out. All of those hypothetical things really did happen to Mr. Ogletree and he really is suing all three entities because he believes that they failed to keep his coat in a safe place for him. Wait. They what?

That's right. For some reason, Mr. Ogletree does not seem to be a big believer in personal responsibility. Seriously. He forgets his coat and he thinks that because someone else didn't pick up after him that they are at fault for his coat disappearing. It's an $800 leather coat. What did he think was going to happen to it if he left it lying around? (I'm assuming that the sharp plaid lining wasn't noticeably visible.)

But he is, in fact, suing all three. What a jackass. He states that, in order to avoid everyone "blaming each other" in court "...all of the three entities need to come to an agreement on which party is responsible and notify me (Mr. Jackass), in writing, signed by all three". Uh-huh. He also feels the need to throw in "I am looking forward to discovering how all of you deal with lost property in the airport. I suspect that your record is dismal and that employee theft runs rampant." Well then. (You can click to enlarge the images above and below if you'd like to read this douchebaggery for yourself. If they don't enlarge correctly, try over here at The Smoking Gun. They have this in perfectly readable form. After all, that's where I found it.)

The part of his own argument that Mr. Ogletree fails to grasp is the part which includes the term "lost". Lost property. Property that is lost. It's lost. It's gone. It can't be found. Hence the term, lost! On top of that, who is the one who lost it in the first place? That's right! NOT the airport. NOT the food court! And certainly NOT the airline! (How did he think that he could drag the airline into this whole mess? The plane had nothing to do with it!) How in the world is this anyone's fault other than Mr. Ogletree's?!

I have no idea what Mr. Ogletree's perception of what it means to take responsibility for one's self, but I'm guessing that it's a lot different than mine. While I find it ridiculous that anyone should have to answer to such an asinine lawsuit, I certainly hope that none of the three parties involves caves into this extortionist. You're a grown man, sir. You lost your coat! It's your fault! Get over it! And buy yourself a new coat while you're at it. You're going to need it because I highly doubt you have much of a case here. Moron.

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OMG! They Hacked Our Sign!

There seems to be a new "trend" or "pastime" that's been going on recently. I don't know what it's called (if it has a specific, kitschy kind of name, I haven't heard it yet. But I'm sure some moron will come up with one and I'll be sick of it by noon.), but whatever it is, it's pretty darn funny.

You know those electronic signs that they have on the highway when there is construction going on? The signs tell you there's "Road Work Ahead" or "Left Lane Closed". (They should probably say "Your Tax Dollars Were Overspent For This Project", but I digress.) And whenever the damn signs are on, for some reason, people feel the need to slow down to almost a crawl so that they can see what the sign says. I don't know why all the slowness needs to happen. It's usually three or four words. Besides, since when do these people (the slow-downers) ever pay attention to anything else that they're doing when driving? They're too busy yammering up a storm on their cell phone while they shave and read the morning paper during their commute, but if there's an electronic sign message, well by God, they have to slow right down because God forbid if they miss that! Please.

Those signs have a little box in the back of them with a little keyboard device so that the construction guys (or the official sign message composer dude) can type in what they want the sign to say. It's your basic electronic message board. The old EMB. That's right. Sometimes the keyboard part is locked. Other times it isn't. It's the times it isn't when "pranksters" have taken it upon themselves to change the message appearing on the sign. Hilarity has then ensued. Behold! Highway hilarity!

Whoever thought of that....I love them. That's awesome. Nazi zombies, nice touch! You hear about zombies once in a while, but not so much those of the Nazi persuasion, so nice job! Very funny. What else ya got? Behold! What else they got!

Again, whomever is responsible....I love them.

Now, I know that some folks are complaining about these pranks, calling them "dangerous" and "distracting". Dangerous? Eh, only if the sign used to say "Watch out for that tree" or something like that. Things like "Left Lane Closed Ahead" that's important and could cause a problem if people didn't know that. But being as how they're likely to slow down to read the sign in the first place, they shouldn't have much of a problem merging.

Because I do realize that something like this could (technically) cause a hazardous situation I, of course, can't condone nor endorse such behavior. (But as I alluded to previously, there are a lot of things that contribute to a "hazardous situation" on the highway and I'm thinking that a sign warning of Nazi zombies might be the least of those things. Come on! I was almost sideswiped the other day by some chick who obviously didn't see that I was already in the lane where she wanted to be because she was busy eating her Chinese food with chopsticks as she drove! These folks are worried about a sign warning of zombies? Please.) However, I most certainly can think it's funny as hell. And I do! And the one below is my absolute favorite. Not a lot of things cause me to literally LOL, but the one below did. (Actually, it's not the actual sign. But it is what it said.) Down in Lubbock, Texas, someone composed the following alert for passing drivers:

I don't even know WHY I find that so funny. "OMG! The British R Coming!" That's hilarious. Nice work, chaps! Nice work. When asked how this happened, "...a statement from Austin Bridge & Road says someone "with a questionable sense of humor" accessed the password on the message." Personally, I don't think that there's much of a question that that was funny! And as far as accessing the password, I don't know how they would do that! (Psst! I did a little bit of research. Usually the password is something like DOTS. Pass it on!) Nope. No clue about that. None.

What I also find mildly amusing is how the story was wrote on the AP Wire (and which was then distributed to media outlets who saw absolutely nothing wrong with the copy because the standards of modern journalism have dropped so low that my cat could put out a news feed that would be deemed acceptable by today's journalistic standards and I don't even have a cat! But again, I digress.). It reads, "LUBBOCK, Texas – A hacked electronic highway sign in Lubbock carried an international message not seen much in centuries on this side of the pond. The sign Friday briefly flashed: "OMG The British R coming. They R watching you." KCBD-TV reported the electronic sign was in a construction area in southwest Lubbock."

Oh, you think? Do you think that the "international message" hasn't been "seen much" on the electronic signs for the past few centuries because there weren't any electronic signs when the British WERE coming?! You morons. On top of that, the message wasn't "seen" in the first place! The dough heads over there running MSNBC.com start off their story with the line I quoted above and then they end their story with: "According to legend, "The British are coming!" was the warning shouted out by Paul Revere on his midnight ride in April 1775 to alert American patriots that British troops were moving out of Boston to arrest their leaders. The warnings delivered by Revere and other riders allowed the American militia to rally to repel the British in the first battles of the American Revolution." Not seen. Shouted. SHOUTED!

Hey! MSNBC.com guys! OMG! The British R coming! RUN!! Run far away!! Hurry! It's the British! (Maybe that'll get rid of 'em.)

I'm liking the alternative electronic highway sign message. A break in the routine is nice once in a while. And if it could be something that is useful as well as amusing, then it would be like getting a bonus. I'm thinking something like this:

Or perhaps something like this:


Subtle reminders about the reasons why we stress. Like this:

I just realized why I find this so funny and why I like it so much. There's no profanity. Whoever the geniuses (geniuii??) were that changed the sign(s), they could have wrote anything. And lately, it seems that "anything" always involves the F-word or something about someone's Mama or their race, sex, gender, orientation or anything else that you can't get fired from a job for being. Almost always. If the sign had read "Left Lane Closed For F***ing" or "Please Merge Into Your Mama" I don't think that would be as funny to me because I'm reading it now and it's not funny. But "OMG! The British R coming!" In Texas?! That's genius. Pure, unadulterated genius. And hilarious. Not questionably hilarious. Hilarious. Nice job, vigilante sign changer dudes. Nice job.

(Side note: I found it odd that I couldn't find a photo of the actual sign down there in Lubbock. It's one thing to read about it, but it adds an extra dimension of humor when you see it. The folks over there at Atom Smasher have several different sign generators where you can write your own message for a variety of different signs, so I did. Other examples are shown below. It's an excellent little resource.)

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Forget About Florida, What's Wrong With Texas?

I had asked what was wrong with the denizens of Florida that they were all so dim-witted, soft-headed and borderline mentally retarded. I never came up with an answer as to why, but I did present material that illustrated how I could make the assumption that Florida has become a refuge for the idiotic and the inane. Turns out, I probably should have asked what the problem is with the folks in Texas. Or at least what's wrong with the 23% of Texans polled that think that Barry is a Muslim. Good Lord, people.....

Fresh from the online site of the Houston Chronicle, we learn that a poll conducted by the University of Texas of registered voters statewide found that "...23 percent of Texans are convinced that Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama is a Muslim." See, I would have added the word "secret" to make it read "secret Muslim". Doesn't sound ridiculous when you say it? "I think he's a secret Muslim." Yes, it sounds hilariously asinine. (It looks even more asinine. See below.) But 23 percent of y'all down in Texas think it's a fact. Then again, 45 percent of y'all incorrectly thought that he was a Protestant. So, basically, 68 percent of y'all that were polled really should not vote. For anything. Not even dogcatcher.

The article says that the Texas numbers are surprising because nationwide, only 5 to 10 percent of people are moronic enough to think that Barry is a Muslim. Actually, a lot of the numbers in this poll are surprising to me. And they don't paint a very pretty picture of Texans. Or a very smart one. Actually, just the smart one, I don't care what y'all look like. (I'm fairly confident I can pick out the idiots on sight and just avoid them altogether, so I'm good there.) I do care about what it is exactly that you're so afraid of that you have to convince yourself that Barry is a Muslim. Are you afraid that after he gets elected he's going to turn the White House into a pyramid? (Although I'd really like to see that, I highly doubt it would happen even if Barry is elected. Why? Well, one, because it's silly. And two, because he's NOT a Muslim!)

34 percent of Texans in this poll said that they approve of the job that George W. Bush is doing. 34 percent?! Are you kidding me? Who are you people and what is your rationale for your "approval"? Oh, but 8 percent of you approve of the job Congress is doing? Again, I'd like to know what those 8 percent are basing their "approval" on because right now, Congress sucks. Congress clearly ranks lower than things like gonorrhea, paper cuts and leprosy. What have they done? I can't think of one single positive thing, which really makes me wonder what those 8 percent came up with that would cause them to give Congress the ol' thumbs up.

89 percent of those polled think that the country's economic situation is worse off today than it was a year ago. Again, those 11 percent who do NOT think that the country's economic situation is worse off today than a year ago, did you understand the question? ¿Habla usted inglés? Really, folks. Granted, the article doesn't say if those 11 percent thought that the country's economic situation was better off today than a year ago, but just stating that it is NOT WORSE is inexplicable.

And for some reason, the article seems to find it almost surprising that George W. Bush's approval rating is so low. After all, the article points out that "Just 34 percent of Texans approve of Bush's job performance — a big change for a former governor who won re-election 10 years ago with 70 percent of the vote." Yeah, that's a shocker, isn't it? TEN years later and people's opinions have changed! Amazing. Who'd a thunk it? That's not even a valid comparison to even try to make.

So, one more time. Barry is not, repeat, is NOT a Muslim. And actually, I'm seriously beginning to question why it is that a ridiculous amount of people still want to believe or say that they believe that Barry is a Muslim. It's pretty easy to figure out or find out that he is not a Muslim. (Have I mentioned that he's not a Muslim? He's not, you know.) Yet, a surprising number of people claim to think he is a Muslim.

It makes me wonder if (sadly enough) it's the race thing. I am well aware that there is a portion of society out there who will not vote for Barry simply because he is "technically black." (His Mom was white, but his Dad was black and people just tend to think of him as "a black guy".) And if you said that you weren't voting for someone because they were black, well, that would be frowned upon in most circles. And in most squares, as well. But to not vote for someone because you think they might be a secret Muslim? For some reason, that is more acceptable than saying that you wouldn't vote for someone because they were black. I don't get either one, (they're both stupid reasons not to vote for someone, by the way) but I have to wonder if that's part of the deal with this stuff. The video below is a fine example of the moronicism (Why, yes, I do believe that is a word.) that some people possess and express.

Muslim. It's the new black.

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Deep Fried Goodness

If there was ever going to be a reason for me to go to Texas, I have found it. Not that I have anything against Texas, mind you. I'm sure it's a fine place (except for all of the cowboys. And the heat. My God, the heat!). I've just never been much of a Texas person. But who cares what kind of person you are when it comes to the Big Tex Awards at the State Fair of Texas, where they reward only the best deep fried concoctions out there. (And they're deep fried, for cryin' out loud. How bad could they be? Not very, I'll tell you what. I have a feeling that even the losers are winner with this competition.) And while it might not matter what kind of person you are, it probably does matter what kind of health your heart is in because you're not walking away from this one without at least one, probably two, clogged arteries. (No word on whether or not cardiovascular surgeons will be on hand for the inevitable spontaneous heart attack(s) that may or may n.....that will inevitably occur.)

Eight items are competing against each other for the title of the best fried goodness out there. Here are your fried, crispy, dripping in grease, lathered in tasty treats to choose from:

1. First up we have Fernie’s All-American Fried Grilled Cheese Sandwich created by a one Christi Erpillo. You take two slices of white bread and add some American and cheddar cheeses. Then dip that in a batter of egg and milk (it's like the French toast of the grilled cheese world) and throw on some bread crumbs to add the appearance of some degree of sophistication. Comes with shoestring potato sticks, a pickle spear and tomato soup dipping sauce. Good Lord.
   
   
2. Next, what is sure to catch on around the country, Chicken Fried Bacon, brought to us by Glen Kusak. Glen takes that really thick bacon with all of the pepper on it and dips that not once, but twice, twice in some battery batter and then into the cooker o' grease it goes. It comes with ranch dressing or honey mustard sauce and a generous portion of guilt.
   
   
3. Shirley Weiss gives us the Fried Banana Split which has banana and honey peanut butter rolled in balls (mmmm....butter balls) and then, naturally, dunked in batter and fried right on up. As is with a banana split not dripping with lard, it is topped with some powdered sugar, caramel and chocolate syrups, chopped peanuts, whipped cream, banana split-flavored ice cream bites, and a cherry. (I'm not sure what the "banana split flavored ice cream bites" are doing in there. That's like saying I'm going to cook a steak and top it with some steak flavored sirloin strips. A fine idea, but this will not win.)



4. In the "I'm Doing This Just To Be A Little Weird" category we have Justin Martinez and his Texas Fried Jelly Bellys. Deep fried, flavored jelly beans. Um, OK. So, it's just the Jelly Bellys rolled in funnel cake batter and fried. I'm having a hard time with this one. I could take a bunch of Skittles, shove them in a Hostess cupcake and toss that in the vat and it would be basically the same thing. Again, nice idea, but you're not winning. (No WAY you finish ahead of deep fried bacon God guy.)



5. Deep Fried S’mores (Oh, good God, it's like camping with the feel of heaven thrown in.) are brought to us by Tami Stiffler as she takes marshmallow fluff and chocolate chips and puts them between two graham crackers. Give the mandatory dip in some sort of heavenly batter and into the fryer they go, to be dusted in powdered sugar when they emerge. Now you're talkin'! Experience camping without all of the bugs and the dirt and all of the God-awful time in the mountains pretending to have a good time because "you're camping"!


6. Abel Gonzales has invented what he calls the Fire & Ice. And while that's a catchy name, it might more aptly be titled, "What Could Possibly Go Wrong?" Abel utilizes a pineapple ring which he has battered and then, surprise, deep-fried. So far, so good. Boring, but good. The fried fruit is then topped with banana-flavored whipped cream, but not just any banana-flavored whipped cream. No, this is banana flavored whipped cream that has been frozen in liquid nitrogen. Apparently, when you freeze banana flavored whipped cream with liquid nitrogen, it causes it to smoke. The smoking fire hazard is then covered in strawberries and syrup and the fire department is alerted that it's desert time over at Abel's. This isn't Abel's first time entering the contest. Previous year's entries included Fried Coke, Fried Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches and Deep Fried Cookie Dough. (Good Lord, Abel, you might be my hero.)



7. With no science lab type ingredients, Nick Bert Jr. presents us with Fried Chocolate Truffles. Nick makes these dark chocolate truffles by hand and then rolls them in cocoa powder where they await to be battered and deep-fried. After all of the frying, there is the obligatory truffle dusting with sugar, cinnamon and more cocoa powder. Again, nice try, but it's just like taking a See's Candies truffle and giving it a dip in your Fry Daddy. Not that there's anything wrong with that!



8. How do you like your balls? With chocolate? With strawberries? Deep fried? On a stick? (Ouch!) Then the Chocolate-Covered Strawberry Waffle Balls that Mark Zable has created are for you. Fresh strawberries with a chocolate shell, dunked in waffle batter and fried up to a greasy, tasty golden hue. Then dust with powdered sugar, skewer with a stick and you've got yourself a very tasty ball to go! Well played, Mark.

Now, according to the fine Southern folk over there at the Dallas Morning News, the Texas State Fair starts on September 26 and runs for a glorious 23 artery clogging days until October 19. Seriously, what's not to like about any of those entries? Cheese, bacon, bananas, jelly beans, graham crackers, liquid nitrogen (OK, that's a little weird), chocolate truffle and balls?? Mmmmmm....balls. This will be the fourth year for the Big Tex Choice Awards. Previous year's entries have included Fried Coke, Fried Pralines, Fried Macaroni and Cheese (Waiter!), Fried Lattes, Fried Avocados and/or Fried Guacamole, and Fried Cosmopolitans. I have no idea how the things that are liquid are fried and I can't even begin to envision a scenario that would allow them to be fried. But all of this is very, very good to know. Either that or it's very, very bad to know. Hard to say. Depends on whether I'm in Texas when the State Fair is going on.

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