Friday, March 5, 2010

Jacket Jackass

Let me ask you a question. Let's say you're a lawyer. OK, let's say that you're a douchebag lawyer. (I realize that's not much of a stretch for you to make and that's the only reason why I threw that in. It's not like I want to make reading this blog some sort of chore for any of you.) And let's say that you're in an airport. Not just any airport. Let's say that you're in the airport in Houston. With me so far? You're a douchebag lawyer at an airport in Houston. Good. Continue.

While at said Houston airport, you decide that you're a hungry douchebag and stop at one of the food vendors at the airport food court. Let's Pizza it is. You stop for pizza. Maybe at a place named Famiglia. Maybe not. You're not sure. But what you are pretty sure of is that you want to take off your coat. And not just any coat. You want to take off your Polo leather coat, size extra large (that's XL in clothing lingo) and sporting a spiffy plaid lining and cost you $800. That's right. $800. (I said you were a douchebag lawyer. Why are you surprised?) Still with me? You're coatless and enjoying pizza in the airport. Got it? Good. Continue.

Then, after consuming your pizza, you leave and catch your flight. Oh, wait a minute. You seem to have forgotten your jacket! Dang it! Well, crap. You can always call when you land and see if it's been turned in somewhere. I mean, it probably hasn't. After all, it had a plaid lining! If someone just saw that bad boy lying around without an owner, how long do you think it would last? Ahhh...see? You're with me, aren't you? I thought so!

Now, at some point after you've landed, you call the airport. You call the food court. You call the pizza joint, whatever it was called. No such luck. None of them have your coat. Bummer. Well, I guess the only thing left for you to do is to sue the City of Houston, sue Continental Airlines, and sue the management company of the food court. Wait. What now?

Correct. Meet a one 62-year old William Ogletree. He's a lawyer at Ogletree & Abbott, a law firm in Houston. He is said douchebag alluded to above in my not-so-hypothetical scenario that I laid out. All of those hypothetical things really did happen to Mr. Ogletree and he really is suing all three entities because he believes that they failed to keep his coat in a safe place for him. Wait. They what?

That's right. For some reason, Mr. Ogletree does not seem to be a big believer in personal responsibility. Seriously. He forgets his coat and he thinks that because someone else didn't pick up after him that they are at fault for his coat disappearing. It's an $800 leather coat. What did he think was going to happen to it if he left it lying around? (I'm assuming that the sharp plaid lining wasn't noticeably visible.)

But he is, in fact, suing all three. What a jackass. He states that, in order to avoid everyone "blaming each other" in court "...all of the three entities need to come to an agreement on which party is responsible and notify me (Mr. Jackass), in writing, signed by all three". Uh-huh. He also feels the need to throw in "I am looking forward to discovering how all of you deal with lost property in the airport. I suspect that your record is dismal and that employee theft runs rampant." Well then. (You can click to enlarge the images above and below if you'd like to read this douchebaggery for yourself. If they don't enlarge correctly, try over here at The Smoking Gun. They have this in perfectly readable form. After all, that's where I found it.)

The part of his own argument that Mr. Ogletree fails to grasp is the part which includes the term "lost". Lost property. Property that is lost. It's lost. It's gone. It can't be found. Hence the term, lost! On top of that, who is the one who lost it in the first place? That's right! NOT the airport. NOT the food court! And certainly NOT the airline! (How did he think that he could drag the airline into this whole mess? The plane had nothing to do with it!) How in the world is this anyone's fault other than Mr. Ogletree's?!

I have no idea what Mr. Ogletree's perception of what it means to take responsibility for one's self, but I'm guessing that it's a lot different than mine. While I find it ridiculous that anyone should have to answer to such an asinine lawsuit, I certainly hope that none of the three parties involves caves into this extortionist. You're a grown man, sir. You lost your coat! It's your fault! Get over it! And buy yourself a new coat while you're at it. You're going to need it because I highly doubt you have much of a case here. Moron.

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Matt said...

Surprise, surprise...his law firm is a gang of ambulance chasers (er, excuse me, "Personal Injury" advocates). Their site includes a "Settlement Calculator" so you can plan your retirement before you call them.

Mare said...

Hey, Matt.

I was aware that he was of the sort that chase ambulances. I was not aware that there was a "Settlement Calculator" on his website. That's astonishing. Thanks for the heads up.

And thanks for reading!

~ Mare

Scott Jacobs said...

I will be very surprised if you don't get a note from him threatening a lawsuit for libel...

Mare said...

Hey, Scott.

I would be surprised. I didn't say anything that was false. It was merely my opinion. Besides, if he's going to go through the whole Internet and threaten libel lawsuits on the myriad of people with the same opinion as mine, well, he's going to be a busy guy.

But I do appreciate the thought. And thanks for reading! I appreciate that as well.

~ Mare

Scott Jacobs said...

Oh, I don't think you said anything false - if anything, you were kind in your word-choice.

You were, however, unflattering of Douchebag Man, and for some reason he just strikes me as the sort of utter tool who would ignore the Streisand Effect and sue, just because someone said something mean about him on teh interwebs.

Mare said...

Hey, Scott.

Aaaahhh. Yeah, the term "Douchebag lawyer" probably wasn't the most flattering moniker to give this guy. Colorful? Yes. Flattering? Probably not so much.

You're right, though. He does seem like the kind of guy who would flip out and overreact. I'm kind of interested to see what happens now!

I like you, Scott. Thanks for reading!

~ Mary

Scott Jacobs said...

"I like you, Scott."

Don't worry... You'll get over that soon enough. :)