Monday, March 8, 2010

They Wore What To The Oscars?

It's Oscar time! That's right. Can you believe it's been an entire year since a bunch of overpaid Hollywood performers with egos the size of Montana stood on a stage in Hollywood and read monotonously off of a teleprompter as if they've never been before a crowd a day in their lives? I know! Time flies, don't it?

And as is (apparently) my Oscar tradition, I shall continue what I've done for the previous few years by assessing what was worn by those attending this ridiculously self-congratulatory ceremony which has been built up to the point that most of us almost believe that it actually means something. I shall start with the outfit worn by a one Zoe Saldana. It looks like she took a bunch of those fuzzy bath maths and wove them all together to form some sort of a gown, but that could also double as a duvet cover in a bedroom in the 1980s. Behold!

Yeah, I'm not really a fan of that look. But the furry/fuzzy/not flat gown look was prominent this year I noticed. There was Elizabeth Banks in this number that, for some reason, reminded me of pigeons. Made me want to strap a note in a tube to her leg.

Then there was Demi Moore who came out onstage to give the prologue for the footage of clips of everyone who has died this past year. It's kind of like the Elizabeth Banks number, only it's a different color. Demi's dress appears to be tinted an odd color of orange so that it will blend perfectly with her skin. (While I'm on that subject, they left out Farrah Fawcett. I know she didn't do a LOT of movies, but she did movies! How can they leave out Farrah?! They better do her up right at the Emmy Awards.)

I don't know, maybe it's the way that Jennifer Lopez is standing. Maybe it's the angle of the camera. Maybe it's something that I'm just unaware of. Whatever it is, it begs the question, Is there someone else underneath there with her?

Here's Mariah Carey in a similar fashion just as she appears at every single other event that she's at these days. She's always wearing something that does not allow the viewer to EVER, not for one second, EVER forget that she's had ginormous breasticles implanted. Behold!

It's just not normal. That's all I'm trying to say. (Well, that and YES! We KNOW! You like your big, fake breasts! We get it! Now put those things away and go sing something somewhere. You could poke an eye out with one of those.)

Speaking of poking an eye out, here's Nicole Kidman accentuating her breasts as if we wouldn't have been able to find them otherwise.

There was the always adorable, questionably sober Robert Downey, Jr. wearing what might be rain boots and looking like he borrowed his tux and tie from Bill Nye the Science Guy.

I don't know what to say about Sarah Jessica Parker. I thought she looked a little bit like she was trying too hard to look like one of those Oscar statuettes. My friend said that she was aging gracefully. Really? That's what gracefully looks like? Hmmm. If that's graceful, I think I'd rather trip and stumble my way up as I age, thank you very much.

I mean, if Sarah Jessica Parker really wanted to go for that statuette look, she should have taken a few pointers from Best Actress winner Sandra Bullock. Now there's a woman that can wear that look well. She was stunning. I'm so glad she won. (And she knows that accepting that award was likely a once in a lifetime event. It ain't happenin' again. I don't mean it ain't happenin' again any time soon. I mean it ain't happenin' again. Enjoy it while you can, Sandra.)

It looks like Maggie Gyllenhall was going for some sort of tropical wrap look. I think I know what she was going for, but I don't think that she executed the idea very well. It looks like a tie-dye factory exploded on her dress. Either that or it's a dead ringer for some sort of bedsheet with a midnight/full moon through the trees get-up. But I do totally appreciate the effort and the attempt at something a little different.

And finally, we have Ben Stiller presenting the award for Best Makeup whilst looking like a crackwhore smurf. Even he knew how ridiculous that was.

And that wraps up the 2010 fashion at the Oscars. It seems that the fashion has managed to keep itself mostly class and that it is (hopefully and thankfully) past the days of Bjork and the swan dress. Now if we can just add Ben Stiller and his outfit (which made him look like Cher after she's stopped breathing) to the list of get ups that we will never see again, we can consider this year a success.

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