Thursday, March 18, 2010

Jessica Simpson: Amateur Sociologist

So, SO much wackiness to choose from today! I had a hard time choosing. First I thought about the abhorrent Mackenzie Phillips and her "new" face which seems to have cost her around $50,000. Huh. (That might explain the inexplicable book that she "wrote" in which she revealed that she willingly slept with her father. Then again, I don't know that you could get me to have a similar revelation for only 50 grand, so I'm back to thinking that she's just a nutjob.) There was Todd Bridges and his uncovering of the thankfully long time, but not long enough, secret that he, at the lowest of his drug abusing days, was wearing a diaper. (Why you wouldn't continue to keep something like that a secret, I can't even begin to imagine, but I'm guessing it would be money? Perhaps? There was even the guy who sold his wife for sex on craiglist. (craigslist. Is there anything that it can't do?) But none of those could really hold a candle to the new Jessica Simpson VH1 series The Price of Beauty which debuted a couple of days ago. (I know! I hadn't heard a thing about it and I missed it too!)

Here's the gist of this train wreck (not that I needed the gist to know that it was going to be a train wreck; call it a hunch) according to the huffy folks over at The Huffington Post: Simpson "...travels the globe with two friends, hair stylist Ken Paves and former assistant Cacee Cobb, to examine people's efforts to measure up to their society's standard of beauty. The goal is to empower women to accept themselves and ultimately understand that no one, not even celebrities, are perfect." of hands here of folks who already knew that celebrities were not perfect. Oh, look at that! Everyone reading this knew that already! I'm shocked. No, really.

WHO thought this would be a good idea? I can't imagine, but I must share this screen shot of the search results that I received when searching for more about this shot. Behold!

I'm sure that's pretty close to accurate. "Monday's premiere attracted just 1." And the 1 was probably her dog. (Do animals count when they do those things? I think they do for shows like that, otherwise they'd lose half their ratings.)

Now then, have you heard some of her words of wisdom from this show? Good Lord. You're in for a treat. It's like they're portraying her as some sort of Margaret Mead-Dian Fossey type. It's odd, odd, odd. Not to mention hil-arious. (Most of these quotes are compliments of the folks over there at Movieline, borrowed with neither permission, nor malice.)

Apparently, Jessica Simpson went to Thailand as she embarked on her quest for...information? (Something? Something like that? I'm still not sure.) While she was there, she had to eat, right? Right. And what did she think about some of the food that was eaten in Thailand? "It’s kind of a ritual for them to eat these bugs because it does speed up their metabolism… I can’t even eat salmon!” Wait. What?

Bugs speed up the metabolism. She doesn't eat salmon. Salmon is not a bug. So....therefore...umm....four quarts in a gallon? Seriously, what the hell?!

Then there was all of the fortune telling. That's right. All of the fortune telling. Apparently, in her quest to find out what other country's standards of beauty are, she had to visit a fortune teller. (Look, I'm doing the best I can here. Speculating about the completely inexplicable isn't as easy as you might think!) Here's another gem from amateur sociologist Jessica Simpson: “I got chill bumps from head to toe when the fortune teller said you’re really going to fall in love. And of course, right now I’m single, so… fingers crossed.”

Ahh, yes. The extremely vague "you're really going to fall in" fortune. That a fortune right out of the cookie if I've ever heard one. Is she going to "meet someone" also? Will she "get caught in a sudden downpour" one day? Will she "lose a sock in the dryer"? Jessica, if you're reading this (or having it read to you) and you need a full time fortune teller, I am at your service for an extremely nominal fee.

While Jessica may be some sort of beauty ambassador, she's not exactly an ambassador of words. Or the blatantly obvious. "In Thailand, our beauty ambassador is Sonia Couling. She is a model and she also hosts Thailand’s version of America’s Next Top Model.” Soooo....umm....wait. Wait! If I could only think of it! It's the Thailand...that's just like the show in America called America's Next Top Model. It's just like that. It'll come to me. Hold on!
Um...Thailand's Next Top Model? Perhaps?! For God's sakes woman.....

I guess while she was there, she had a massage of some sort. Her thoughts? "I thought that Thai massages had happy endings. I was just wondering where mine was.” What kind of happy ending are we talking about here? And why did she think that? I've been racking my brain (OK, I thought about it for 3 seconds) trying to think if I have ever heard anything about Thai massages. Other than if you've had a "Thai massage" you've likely just visited a hooker, I was drawing a blank. What in the world is she talking about?

And there you have her, ladies and gentlemen! Jessica Simpson! Defining the category of "It's a good thing she's pretty." Back to you.

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Anonymous said...

Jessica Simpson is pretty hot,or maybe was,nice tits and ass in that 'Boots Were Made For Walking' video,I have studied her washing that car in that pink bikini shaking her tight little ass so many times I had to jerk off to it!
It's basically porn.
But she will probably never contribute anything more memorable than that.She is a total airhead,she can't act,sing or present for shit,I would nail her in a heartbeat,but she would get on my nerves for being such a dumb bimbo,I wouldn't date her (Okay,I would just for a little bit,just for the comedy of her dumb ass)
shes one of those blondes that when she opens her mouth you just frickin' brace yourself-you can see the rusty cogs in her empty skull have not started turning yet,but her mouth is already yapping away.
I remember watching an episode of that show where the cameras follow her and her boyfriend,and in this episode,over a bucket of Buffalo Wings,he had to console Jessica and explain that no buffaloes were harmed in the preparation of the wings.
It seems Jessica was upset and concerned that buffaloes were hunted for their wings,which were then mercilessly hacked off.
You can't write material like this.

Wtf is she talking about 'she was expecting a happy ending?!'
You drew mostly the right conclusions,while there is a genuine massage technique/school called Thai Massage (As there is Swedish Massage,Indian,etc.,the name is given to the technique used,not the nationality of the practitioner) the phrase 'Thai Massage' does usually raise a snigger,probably due to the fact that the vast majority of Massage Parlours in Thailand seem to offer a 'Happy Ending' (hand relief,after the massage) or even oral/full sex/prostate massage.
Also this has spread to the USA and UK,where Thai immigrants,illegal or otherwise,set up Asian Massage Parlours.
It's not like all Asian or even Thai Massage Establishment is not legit,its just a lot less likely to be.
I have yet to visit a place advertising Thai Massage staffed by Thai girls that did not end in sex or a handjob.
I don't understand what Jessica thought we were to take from what she said though,I don't even think this Bimbo's brain processes what she is saying.
Is she saying she doesn't know what a 'Happy Ending' is? or that she does know,and was wondering (hoping?) if the film crew's location guy had not bothered to scope out a legit Massage Parlour,and just took her to the nearest whorehouse?
Why,were they filming a documentary on Sex Workers?
Were they really desperate for ratings?
Is Jessica saying she was ready to explore her curious side,and was waiting for an inquisitive oiled finger to tease her asshole?
Now THAT I would watch!!

Mark said...

Gerard is a hard act to follow. So to speak.

I'm guessing Simpson is on a quest primarily for money and partly for some kind of relevance/attention. I think even what little brain she has rattling around in that cranium of hers knows that the clock is ticking on how long she can profit from her physical abundance in light of her mental scarcity.

As far as Mackenzie Phillips, which picture is supposed to be the upgrade? The one on the right looks all Botoxy and worked over -- and very vaguely Jolie-ish, in a creepy Octomom way -- but the left side looks, imo, much better. It's a bit confusing.

Scott Jacobs said...

I think her pondering over "Happy Endings" is even funnier, because she used the term, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't realize that it means the Masseuse gets you off.

Remember, this is the girl that wasn't sure is tuna was a fish - apparently "chicken of the sea" confused her.

How she manages to keep from swallowing her own tongue is beyond me.

Mare said...

Gerard, I knew I could count on you to chime in on a Jessica Simpson related post. It wasn't a matter of if, it was a matter of when.

Mark, yes, Gerard is a hard act to follow. (He's also my Resident Whore Correspondent in London. Another hard act to follow, sometimes literally, I have the feeling.)

And I'm not sure which of the Mackenzie Phillips pictures is the before and which is the after. You're correct that the one on the right does seem to bear more of the characteristics of what would seemingly be seen in a 'before' picture, so it's hard to say. I think that when someone has been rode as hard as she has and put up as wet as she has over the years, any difference to any appearance alterations is going to be scant at best.

Scott, It said CHICKEN right there on the label! Why would it say CHICKEN if it wasn't CHICKEN? What does the sea have to do with anything?! Or the fact that it's tuna fish? =) (Seriously, how has she managed to keep herself alive this long?)

This is a woman who should be helmeted for her own safety.

~ Mary