Fifty Shades Of Surprises

Remember back when I 'reviewed' Fifty Shades of Grey, the women's erotic novel (one of three!) that is sweeping the nation? Well, Saturday Night Live did a parody commercial of that book and the whole phenomenon that has developed over it. It's absolutely hilarious. It's probably not appropriate to watch around small children (unless you really want to have a discussion about what the "microphone" really is). It might not be safe to watch at work, but it was on network TV (albeit at 11:30 at night on a Saturday), so I'll just let you make that decision. But safe for work or not does in no way detract from the fact that it's hilarious. And probably true. Behold! (If it doesn't play, try clicking here.)

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It Has Nothing To Do With Fate

Well.  I came across some disturbing poll results today.  The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy did a little polling and if their results are even a little bit indicative of what is going on out there, they really have their work cut out for them.  Before I get to the part that will have you wanting to jump out of a high window, I want to mention that while this organization may sound like they're all about the teenagers, it doesn't seem like that's all too accurate.  The people that they polled were grown-ass adults, ranging in age from 18-29.  And actually, that makes the results even more frightening. 

Participants in this survey were asked if they agreed with this statement:  “It doesn’t matter whether you use contraception or not; when it is your time to get pregnant, it will happen."  I would like to take this opportunity to point out that these questions were asked recently and this isn't archival data from the 1700s.  This was done in 2011 and again, with grown-ass adults.  That's why it scares the bejeezus out of me that four in ten actually agreed with that statement.  Wait.  Wait.  WAIT! 

Were these people not privy to the ol' very basic sex education classes that I sat through in high school?  Just the beginning part of that question "It doesn't matter whether you use contraception or not" makes me cringe.  Of course it matters!  That's why it exists!  It's contraception!  It's purpose it to be used and then to subsequently prevent pregnancy after you have all the sex!  But four out of ten morons believe that it's just fate?!  Doesn't matter what you do.  If it's going to happen, it's going to happen?!  Uhhh, I honestly don't know what to say about that.  Forty percent is a little too close to half for my liking.  Fate.  OK, then.  Moving on...

Here's another one:  "Thinking about your life right now, how important is it to you to avoid getting pregnant/getting someone pregnant?"  This was asked of unmarried young adults aged 18-29.  Again, grown-ass people.  72% said that it was very important.  That's good.  You know what's not good?  The other people who answered.  Only 12% said that it was "somewhat important".  How is that even a choice when you're talking about getting pregnant or not?  16% had some sort of a variation of it not being important to them.  The parameters of the survey do not outline whether or not it was a requirement that participants in the survey be sexually active, but I can't imagine why they would want people who are not having sex to be a part of this survey.  If you're not having sex, the problem of unplanned and unwanted pregnancy has nothing to do with you.  So if I am to assume that those 16% that don't give a crap are currently sexually active, then I'm a little more than just concerned that they don't give a crap.  Those are the kind of people that I want studied at great lengths. 

Explain this to me:   "Fully 94% of unmarried young adults 18-29 say they have all the information they need to avoid having or causing an unplanned pregnancy."  BUT "11% say they know “little or nothing” about condoms, 42% say they know “little or nothing” about birth control pills, and 73% say they know “little or nothing” about IUDs."  HOW are you between the ages of 18 and 29 and know "little or nothing" about condoms?!  I can kind of understand the IUD thing, but only because it's not talked about or mentioned as much as the other two.  But condoms?  What sort of grown-ass adult knows nothing about a condom?!  I wish that they broke that answer down by age.  Then again, maybe I don't.  If I found out that it was mostly 29-year olds that answered the question that way, I'd have to start walling off my walled off compound again.  I cannot be part of a society where people who are almost thirty know nothing about condoms.  I just can't! 

Then there's this:  19% of the people surveyed answered 'Yes' to this:  “There is so much negative stuff said about birth control that it makes me feel I’m better off/my partner is better off just not using it.”  Negative stuff?  More negative than having a child that you're not ready for (and apparently have no idea how it came to be either)?!  What exactly are they referring to that is so "negative"?  Because the way I look at it, it's all of the getting pregnant that's the negative part of having sex.  Regardless, even if there are "negative" things about birth control, it's disturbing to me that one in five of these softheads thinks that no birth control is the way to go instead.  Twenty percent.  That's about twenty percent too high for me.  What is wrong with you people?! 

So you have all of that stuff going on, but then you have questions like "I have all the information I need to avoid having/causing an unplanned pregnancy."  Somehow, 94% of these folks answered 'Yes' to that question.  But these are the same people who forty percent of them think that it's just fate if you get pregnant regardless of your contraceptive usage!  Clearly, they do NOT have all the information that they need.  No, the information that they have is a bit outdated.  Medieval even.  Perhaps someone should inform them that science has made great strides since the days of leaving everything up to fate. 

This is all not good.  It's all very bad, actually.  The fate question really threw me for a loop.  If you'd like to see this data so that you can cry over it yourself, it's available here.

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Octo Nightmare

Brace yourselves.  Octomom has done her masturbatory porn video.  It should be out by June.  I guess there's a lot of editing or something that goes on with these things?  I don't really know and I don't really think that I want to, either.  Actually, there are a lot of things that I didn't want to know about this.  And I'm going to share them with YOU.  How lucky do you feel?  What if I told you that by 'lucky' I meant 'nauseous'?  Better?  Yeah, not really for me either.  Well, you've been warned.  Here we go. 

According to the Huffington Post, in true Octomom lunatic fashion, Nadya Suleman says of her first porn video "I'm very excited for it to come out!"  Well, that makes one of us.  She's excited for it to come out?  Why would that be?  She is a laughing stock.  She is vehemently hated by many (and for good reason).  She's dead broke.  And now she's doing solo porn.  That's exciting for her?  I can think of a lot of other adjectives that I would have thought of before using 'exciting'.  Words like 'humiliated', 'upset', 'ashamed' and 'desperate' come to my mind.  But not hers.  Nope.  She's excited.  If that right there doesn't tell you all that you need to know about this chick, I don't know what else I can do for you. 

Here are some other excerpts from her thoughts on what is apparently the apex of her life.  "My first shoot was amazing...Such a learning experience for me in so many ways. I don't think I could have asked for a better crew to work with. They were so patient and willing to teach me. I owe a lot to Wicked Pictures contract star Jessica Drake; she opened my eyes to a whole different world of self-pleasure that I could have never imagined. They made me look so glamorous, and for the first time in my life, I felt beautiful and sexy. I'm very excited for it to come out!" 

A learning experience?  What in the hell did she learn?  Not to have fourteen babies when you don't have a job, a place to live or a spouse?  And I'll bet that her eyes were opened to a "whole different world of self-pleasure"!  It would definitely be a different world to be doing yourself surrounded by lights and cameras and an entire crew of people.  You know.  Because usually when you're doing that, you're typically alone!  And I don't care what she says and I don't care what she was wearing, doing masturbatory porn is not glamorous.  Maybe her and I have different definitions of the word (which wouldn't surprise me as I can't find a single thing that we have in common other than we're both female, and quite frankly, I'm ashamed to have that much in common with her), but what she just went through was not glamorous.  It doesn't surprise me that it was the first time she felt beautiful and sexy, though.  It's probably really hard to feel like you're either of those things when you're harboring practically and entire baseball team in your uterus. 

But here's the part that kinda made me wanna throw up a little bit.  It's definitely the part that I read at least three times and each time all I could muster up was "Wtf?"  It's the part that said "At the shoot, Nadya also posed for a set of photographs in which she's seated at the head of a long table, her body covered with SpaghettiOs"  Wait.  Wait.  I said WAIT!  SpaghettiOs?!  Number one, why would you waste perfectly good SpaghettiOs in such an obscene fashion?  And number two, did I mention wtf?  Yeah, WTF?!  Did THAT make her feel beautiful and sexy?  To have her both slathered with a delicious childhood treat that she probably feeds to her own children?  How is being covered in SpaghettiOs anything but disgusting?  And whose idea was that?  Was it hers? I don't get it. 

Even after it is explained, I still don't get it.  It says "For the pictures, we had her topless with a thick sparkly red choker with a big red heart in front and red and white polka dot panties ... like 1950s style...SpaghettiOs were all over her body and she's even throwing the SpaghettiOs toward the camera. The label on the can was changed from SpaghettiOs to say 'Saucy Octos.'"  Uhh...what?  How is being in red and white polka dot panties and covered with SpaghettiOs "like 1950s style"?  I don't fancy myself a historian or anything like that, but I am fairly familiar with the styles of the 1950s and I have never encountered a style that included being covered in SpaghettiOs.  Ever.  And wtf is a 'Saucy Octo'?  They're not shaped like eights!  They're shaped like Os!  It's right there in the name SpaghettiOs.  Not SpaghettiEights! 

I don't understand any of this.  Then again, she is, by most definitions, mentally ill (in at least one form or another), so I guess that this isn't supposed to make a ton of sense.  There's still no word on how much she was paid to do this, but whatever it is I don't see how it's going to solve her long term problems.  And while she might have declared bankruptcy, I went through the paperwork and she hasn't filled out everything that she needs to.  If she doesn't turn in the required forms in a couple of weeks, her case is automatically dismissed.  And when (if) she does turn in the required forms, one of those will be a statement of her earnings and whatever she earned for the great SpaghettiO fiasco will need to be reported.  I'll get back to you when that information is available.  In the meantime, let's just try our hardest to forget all about this.  It's certainly not worth the nightmares that it will induce by remembering it.  But if you do want to remember it, there are a bunch of photos over at TMZ that should suffice. 

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Watch out, Bo!

Why this song hasn't received more attention in the few weeks since it has been out is beyond me.  It's hilarious.  Continuing to play on the not-so-recent revelation that President Barry ate dog when he was a child in Indonesia, some genius came up with a parody of the delightfully 80s tune by Hall & Oates "Man Eater".  The lyrics are awesome, but the real highlight is the chorus that goes:

Ohhhhh, here he comes.

Watch out Bo, he’ll chew you up.

Ohhhhh, here he comes.

He’s a dog eater.

Seriously brilliant, don't you think?  OK, at least it's funny.  And all of you people out there who find the time to do these things?  I salute you.  You are the treasures of the Internets.  All of them.  Full lyrics are below the video.  Behold! 

He only comes out at night To find a tasty bite 
Nothing is new, I’ve seen his gaze before 
Watching and waiting 
He’s sitting with you but eyeing some Basset Hounds


So many to taste and see 
Chihuahua friccasse 
Dear Leader is wild, but he’s tamed by the taste of a puppy’s tail 
Served up on a platter 
The school lunches are sure gonna get bizarre


Ohhhhh here he comes 
Watch out Bo he’ll chew you up 
Ohhhhh here he comes 
He’s a dogeater 
Ohhhhh here he comes 
Watch out Bo he’ll chew you up 
Ohhhhh here he comes 
He’s a dogeater
 
I wonder if Michelle approves 
Fried puppy just won’t do 
Poached poodle flan, the One will really rip their fur apart 
Mind over matter 
Tele-promp-ter glaze but a beast is in his heart


Ohhhhh here he comes 
Watch out Bo he’ll chew you up 
Ohhhhh here he comes 
He’s a dogeater 
Ohhhhh here he comes 
Watch out Bo he’ll chew you up 
Ohhhhh here he comes 
He’s a dogeater

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It's A Nice Change From Al Sharpton

Have you heard the story about the 20-year old student who was attending Berkeley when he was caught up in a federal drug raid, never arrested or charged, but ended up being forgotten about in a holding cell for four days without food or water?  If you hadn't heard about it before now, it was pretty much what I just described there.  The guy's name is Daniel Chong and it's really not much short of a miracle that he didn't die in there.  He's now suing the DEA for 20 million dollars and I certainly hope that he gets it.  This incident was clearly nothing more than government asshattery at its finest.  But I wanted to point something out. 

After this story came out, I thought that it would get a little bit more attention than it did.  I'm not sure exactly why it didn't, but I guess it doesn't really matter.  But I'll tell you what impressed me about the publicity that was not given to this incident.  Mr. Chong is Asian.  But yet, there were not any Asian groups out there protesting his maltreatment under the assumption that someone must have had it in for him because he was Asian.  I cannot tell you how much I admire that.  You can't tell me that if this guy had been black that we would not all have been subject to the rants of Al Sharpton proclaiming how it was because he was black and how everyone who is white is a big ol' racist.  Yeah, that's exactly what would have happened.  You can't swing a dead cat without hitting Al Sharpton when something like that happens to a black individual. 

Do I have a point with all of this?  Not other than what I just stated.  I guess it just kind of gives me a little bit of hope that not all ethnic groups out there think that all white people are racist and out to get them.  Didn't I know that before?  Sure I did.  Of course I did.  But after the Trayvon Martin debacle, sometimes you wonder.  I like it that this horrible incident can obviously be chalked up to the incredible stupidity of whoever was working at the DEA.  There are a lot of things that can be chalked up to stupidity rather than a dislike for a certain race.  This is one of them and I'm glad to see it being treated as such. 

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America's Village Idiot

America's village idiot is back in the news.  That's right.  The one, the only, the Levi Johnston.  You probably best remember Levi from such episodes such as the 2008 presidential campaign and his knocking up the Republican Vice-Presidential candidate's daughter, Bristol.  He's a pretty good looking dude, but seems to be as dumb as a turnip.  (I realize that might be insulting to the turnips of the world out there, but I calls 'em as I sees 'em.)  But he does seem to be good at a couple of things.  He seems to be really good at having sex without using contraception AND he seems to be really good at getting chicks that he isn't married to knocked up. 

You can't be overly surprised when I tell you that Levi has managed to get another girl pregnant.  The lucky lady this time is a one 20-year old (and old enough to know better) Sunny Rae Camilla Oglesby.  That's right.  Sunny.  The exact opposite of my disposition.  Sunny.  And how they came to be a couple is truly a romantic tale.  See, Levi saw Sunny's picture on Facebook.  He must have been instantly smitten because he immediately called up his friend and said exactly what you would expect him to say in this situation.  He told his friend, "Get her."  Awww.  Just like in the movies!  According to Inside Edition, the way Levi tells this love story is "I seen her on Facebook—a picture, and I called my friend and said 'Get her.'" And it's not just her good looks that attracted Levi to her.  "Any woman who can hunt bears with me is a keeper. You can't find those every day."  Words of a poet.

At some point after meeting, the two lovebirds went on a camping trip to some cabin in the middle of nowhere.  And wouldn't you know it?!  They forgot birth control! As Levi put it, "We were out at the cabin for like, four days, and forgot the birth control."  Right.  Because there's nothing else that they could have done!  And rather than just go and get some (or not have unprotected sex), they decided that the best thing to do would be to go ahead and have unprotected sex anyway and bring another little Johnston into the world before he's even 22.  Good idea. 

Naturally, with two geniuses like this involved, you know that the name that they choose for the kid is going to be equally intelligent.  That's why they decided to name their children after something near and dear to Levi's heart.  His favorite gun. And apparently, one of his favorite characteristics of nature.  They're naming the child Breeze Beretta.  Now, Breeze is kind of a stripper name.  It's going to be tough for her to resist the draw of the pole with a name like Breeze Beretta.  Then again, it's hard for me to imagine her having a stellar life with Levi at the helm of fatherhood, but that's just me. 


Of course these two aren't married yet.  Again, according to Inside Edition "Johnston still hasn't officially popped the question. Oglesby wants him to propose before Breeze is born."  Yet when asked by the interviewer "Is there any question in your mind that this is the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with?"  Johnston answered, "No."  But yet, no marriage proposal.  So, so interesting.  And, given his history with the Palin girl, so, so not surprising.  What a loser. 

He already doesn't see or pay for the kid that he has.  And now he's bringing another one into the world with a girl who seems just as naive as Bristol did about the entire thing.  It's like watching "Groundhog Day" waiting for this to play out.   I'm going to make my prediction right now.  I predict that it will turn out just like it did before.  They'll be all in love and happy or whatever.  That will last right about until the kid is born.  Then Levi will go back to doing whatever dumbass things he does and Sunny Rae over there will get to raise little Breeze Beretta all by herself.  And for the record, I would love to be proven wrong about this.  I would like nothing more than for those two kids to stay together forever and have a happy and loving family.  But it's Levi Johnston, so I just don't see that happening.  Why can't there be some radio station out there that would offer him something like $10,000 if he got a vasectomy?  That'd be awesome because the end goal here is to have him stop making children.  I can't think of any other way to get that done than with some ridiculous publicity stunt that makes him a few bucks.  Small price to pay if you're asking me.  

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My First Book Review (Sorta)

Are you familiar with the hottest book in America right now called Fifty Shades of Grey?  It's apparently some sort of erotica novel that has really become quite the hit.  (By the way, "erotica" is the politically correct term for "smut".) Now, I'm not really one to read erotica because it's always so cheesy.  And really, do I care about the story anyway?  If there's sex involved, I don't want to read about other people doing it.  I'd actually prefer that I was a little more involved than that.  But that's just me and it is apparently not the scores of (mostly) women who are lapping this stuff up.  Regardless, I figured I should investigate. 

Let be just be clear about one thing:  I did not buy this book and I did not read it cover to cover.  I merely wandered into a bookstore, picked one up and browsed my way through it. My first thoughts were "What a bunch of crap."  Those were also my middle and end thoughts as well.  From what I can tell, it's pretty much all the same stuff, just in different rooms.   Every page I flipped to they were having sex.  The story is told from a woman's perspective which pretty much explains why there is a bunch of details about what is in the room and stuff like that.  Men don't care about crap like that.  Men want sex.  But I guess women want details about the sorts of sheets that they're going to be doing it on?  (Not any women that I know, by the way.  But I guess other women?)

"I have scissors here.  He holds them up for me to see.  "I can cut you out of this in a moment."  I try to pull my wrists apart, testing my bonds, and as I do the plastic bites into my flesh.  It's sore, but if I relax my wrists, they're fine.  The tie is not cutting into my skin.  "Come with me."  He takes my hand and leads me over to the four poster bed.  I notice now that it has dark red sheets on it and a shackle at each corner.  He leans me down and whispers in my ear, "I want more.  Much more."  My heart starts pounding again.  Oh boy.  "But I'll make this quick.  You're tired.  Hold onto the post."  I have frowned.  Not on the bed?  I find I can part my hands and I grasp the ornately carved wooden post.  "Lower," he orders. "Don't let go.  If you do, I'll spank you.  Understand?"  "Yes, sir."  "Good."  He stands behind me and grasps my hips."  I think that I'm going to stop there.  I'm pretty sure that you can figure out what happens next. 

You know how you can tell that it was written by a woman?  She goes on to describe the bed and the sheets and what's in the room.  I know I'm a woman, but who the hell cares?  Guys don't give a crap about what's in the room.  Guys only care about who's in the room.  As long as there's a chick there, they're good.  And as long as there's a chick there, they're not going to be able to tell you about what was in the room anyway.  I could be filled with gold and if you asked the guy about it afterwards, he'd be like, "What?"  I mean that in the nicest possible way.  Men and women are different.  And I think that we can all learn a little bit from each other.  In this case, it's not important if there is an ornately carved wooden post when you're about to have sex. 

Let's look at another part that clearly exemplifies this being erotica for women:  He said, "What's wrong?  Everything OK?"  "Oh, I was just reading about another measles case."  "Oh, no."  "Yeah.  Fourth case this month.  If only people would get their kids vaccinated."  She shakes her head sadly then smiles."  What the hell is that all about? So they're having conversations about other people not being good enough parents before they have sex?  THAT'S what women want?  Good Lord, ladies.  (Here, let me elaborate a little bit as if this actually happened in real life.  "She shakes her head sadly and smiles.  He nodded as if he was actually listening or paying attention and said, "Yeah."  He read in her inflections that he should probably say "Yeah."  He wasn't really following it.  He just wanted the sex.") 

 

Here's another random passage that I opened up to:  "We finish.  I rise and put my sweat pants back on."  I think that is just hilarious.  And nice job trying to mainstream the sexing up of sweat pants.  But this goes back to this being strictly for women.  (MOST women.  Not me.  Not you.  Just them.)  NO men's erotica (if there even is such a thing) would have the woman wearing sweat pants.  Ever.  No, the men's erotica would have her in a bikini and high heels all of the time because that's what she is most comfortable watching sports in. 

The LA Times reviews this tome and says "Women who consider themselves modest are passing what is essentially a bondage book along to friends and family members with a wink. Grandmothers are discussing the book at family dinners."  Sweet Jesus, I certainly hope that isn't true. I don't want my grandma bringing up bondage at the dinner table.  (And not just because she's been dead since 1985, either.  I don't want anyone's grandma talking about this stuff.)  Can you imagine?  Use your old lady voice and try saying "I do enjoy getting tied up" and see how you feel about it then!  This is probably just wrong in so many ways.  I'm glad that people are reading, though.  So there's that.  Gotta start somewhere, I guess.

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What A Great Mom!

You have vague, shuddering memories of the Octomom right?  She is that mentally ill woman who already had six children via in vitro and found a crazy doctor to implant several embryos in her as if she was some sort of human gumball machine and then she ended up giving birth to octuplets?  Nadya Suleman is the woman's name and she's back in the news!  In a move that I'm sure will leave you completely shocked, she has filed for bankruptcy!  I know!  Can you believe it?!  Hard to imagine how someone with fourteen kids and no income would have to file for bankruptcy.  Especially when the entire world hates her for doing what she did. She has no chance to make an honest dime any time soon.  Unless she considers one option that has been on the table since the beginning.  That's right.  She was once offered a million bucks to do porn.  Apparently, that offer has dropped to $100,000 "...if she stars in three hard core sex scenes."  Wow.  Talk about the bottom falling out of that market.  Regardless, now and what with the bankruptcy and all, she's willing to consider it.

She says "I have had to make some very difficult decision this year, and filing Chapter 7 was one of them...But I have to do what is best for my children and I need a fresh start."   Uhhh, I'm not so sure that your doing porn is going to be "best" for your children.  Do you think if your mom did porn that you'd end up thinking that was a great idea and "best" for all you kids?  I highly doubt it.  And since when is doing porn "a fresh start".  You know what usually qualifies as "a fresh start"?  Not doing porn, that is correct!  I'm sure that doing porn will do wonders for her children.  Fresh start indeed.  I wonder what her other difficult decisions this year were?  I'm curious simply because she doesn't seem to put a lot of thought into things that she does.  If only she had put as much thought into having in vitro fertilization as she put into her "difficult decisions this year", maybe she wouldn't be in this mess.

But it seems like there might be a catch with her "consideration" of doing all of the porn.  There's either a catch or she is unclear as to what exactly porn consists of.  That's because according to the New York Daily News, she "...would not kiss somebody.  I wouldn't touch somebody."  Now, as far as you know, I'm not much of an expert on porn.  (Work with me here, will ya?  It's not going to work if you don't play along.)  But from what I do know about porn, I seem to vaguely recall that there is at least some touching that goes on.  Granted, there aren't a lot of different parts that are involved the aforementioned touching.  Really, there are only a few key players in this sort of game.  But there has to be touching.  It's porn!  Porn is touching!  I guess I'm going to have to speculate that this means that she'll be doing porn...by...herself?  Ewww, ewww, EWWW!!  Is there really a market for that?  Forget I asked that.  Of course there is. 

And look, I'm not usually one to who would advocate that families be split up.  But in all seriousness, why in the world does she still have these kids?  She can NOT take care of them!  I'm not questioning whether or not she loves them, mainly because I have no idea and that really isn't the issue.  Love rarely solves anything.  (It actually complicates most things, but that's a different story.)  And yes, I've seen the pictures of the house of squalor.  I will hand it to her in that the pictures of the children that were included did not show the children looking particularly disheveled.  Sure, they didn't have pants on, but they're not even three yet.  That's not a big deal.  They appeared to be clean and had clean clothing on.  But even that's not enough.  I have no idea why the state hasn't stepped in. 

Yes, I know, I know that I don't usually advocate for the government to be involved in the raising of children.  But come on!  This isn't exactly you see your neighbor's kid outside without shoes on a cold day and insist that CPS needs to step in.  This nutjob has fourteen kids, no husband (or wife for that matter) and, most importantly no money.  Maybe even more important than that is that she doesn't even have any potential to make any money.  She can't do anything.  I don't think that she's ever held a real job.  Is she going to make a living doing masturbatory porn?  (That was one of the grossest sentences that I've ever wrote.) 
 

Let's do the math.  If she's only being offered $100,000 for three hard-core sex scenes, how much could her and a cucumber (I'm assuming) possibly be worth?  At $33,333 for each hard-core sex scene, I'd guess a solo act would go for a mere fraction of that.  Let's say she gets ten grand.  What's that going to last her?  A month?  According to some child raising calculator thing I found online (which could be completely full of crap for all I know), it costs about $8,330 to raise a child for a year.  She has fourteen of those children.  That comes out to $116,620 per year.  So, at the rates that I'm guessing, she's going to have to do twelve "porn" things a year.  Is there really a market for twelve of the same kind of movie from the same person?  (Look, here's the Octomom getting herself off on the beach.  Here she is in the kitchen.  Here she is doing herself on a gazebo.)  I'm not so sure that's the best investment.  For anyone, really.  After all, she already stripped down for a U.K. magazine called Closer and they only paid her $8,000.  Brace yourself and behold!

Now, when you ask her about all of this, she says (in what I can only imagine to be the snottiest tone possible), "I'm so done...You people, you keep your business to yourself, and I'll keep my business to myself. My kids are healthy, they're happy, they've got food."  Uh, tell you what, cupcake.  As long as you're taking public assistance, you are my business.  I'll give her that her kids look healthy because in the pictures that I saw, they looked fine.  I'd probably prefer that they were panted, but it's not a big deal given their age and that they were at home.   I'll give her that they have food, but only because she receives over $2,000 a month in food stamps.  As far as happy, I'm going to disagree a little bit.  That's impossible for me to know, but from the looks of the disarray of her home, I'm going to say that they're not all happy!  I wish she'd just do the right thing and give them up.  I know it sounds horrible, but this is a pretty extreme case and I think it's for the best.  And then she doesn't have to do porn.  That right there seems like enough of a win for her to at least consider it. 

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Seems About Right

A bunch of self-proclaimed atheists were arrested yesterday for trying to blow up a bridge in Ohio.  I don't know exactly what their point was, but I don't care because I have my own point here.  And that point is this:  Whenever you hear about stuff like this, don't you get a mental image of what the sorts of people who would want to blow up a bridge would look like?  And then when you finally see the pictures of them, isn't it almost always just about what you expected?  This case is no different.  I took one look at these doofuses (doofi?) and thought, "Yeah, that seems about right." Here are the pictures of the guys who were arrested.  You tell me if you come across one that you see and are shocked that he'd try to blow up a bridge, OK?  Let's begin. 

 This guy is a little Unabomer-y.  Thus, not surprising.

 

This guy looks like he could be cajoled into just about anything, including bridge blowing up.  Nothing shocking here. 

This guy sports the large ear gauges.  Never a good sign.  

Are you going to try to tell me that this guy does not look crazy enough to blow up a bridge?  I didn't think so.  I'm just surprised he hasn't blown up something before now.

And here's the last one.  I wouldn't be surprised if he was voted "Most Likely To Blow Up A Bridge" in high school. 

And here's a group shot with all of the geniuses (genii?) together.  And seriously, they look so inept as a group that you'd almost think that one of them might have been able to figure it out before they ended up doing something so stupid that they'd inevitably be caught at it.  You'd almost think that.  Almost.  Not entirely, however.  Nope. 

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3 Awesome Grandmas

Turns out that while everyone seems to have heard that Kim Kardashian made a sex tape (that launched her into an inexplicable career that no one can define, but that continues to net her millions of dollars each year through her numerous television shows that no one can define either), not everyone has seen it.  I mean, of course I haven't seen it.  I would never do such a thing!  Nope.  Not me.  Uh-uh.  Wait.  Where was I?  Oh, right.  People other than me who haven't seen the sex tape.  It turns out that there are three older women out there and two of them hadn't seen it either.  But the third one had! As she filled the other two in on a little bit of what she had witnessed, they became a little more than intrigued.  Once they found out that it could be found on the Internet, the laptop came out and the viewing began!  And so did the commentary.  That's where the hilarity comes from.  These women are awesome.  I have the feeling that they've seen their share of stuff in their life.  Who hasn't?  This video only shows the three awesome ladies.  It does not show Kim or Ray J or anything that they do and any sort of foul language is bleeped out.  I'll let you decide from that description if this is a safe for work thing.  I guess it could be NSFW, but everything is just implied, so I don't know if that counts at where you work.  But if it does and you can't watch it there, please watch it when you get home.  You won't be sorry. 

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