Mocking Words: What A Great Mom!

You have vague, shuddering memories of the Octomom right? She is that mentally ill woman who already had six children via in vitro and found a crazy doctor to implant several embryos in her as if she was some sort of human gumball machine and then she ended up giving birth to octuplets? Nadya Suleman is the woman's name and she's back in the news! In a move that I'm sure will leave you completely shocked, she has filed for bankruptcy! I know! Can you believe it?! Hard to imagine how someone with fourteen kids and no income would have to file for bankruptcy. Especially when the entire world hates her for doing what she did. She has no chance to make an honest dime any time soon. Unless she considers one option that has been on the table since the beginning. That's right. She was once offered a million bucks to do porn. Apparently, that offer has dropped to $100,000 "...if she stars in three hard core sex scenes." Wow. Talk about the bottom falling out of that market. Regardless, now and what with the bankruptcy and all, she's willing to consider it.

She says "I have had to make some very difficult decision this year, and filing Chapter 7 was one of them...But I have to do what is best for my children and I need a fresh start." Uhhh, I'm not so sure that your doing porn is going to be "best" for your children. Do you think if your mom did porn that you'd end up thinking that was a great idea and "best" for all you kids? I highly doubt it. And since when is doing porn "a fresh start". You know what usually qualifies as "a fresh start"? Not doing porn, that is correct! I'm sure that doing porn will do wonders for her children. Fresh start indeed. I wonder what her other difficult decisions this year were? I'm curious simply because she doesn't seem to put a lot of thought into things that she does. If only she had put as much thought into having in vitro fertilization as she put into her "difficult decisions this year", maybe she wouldn't be in this mess.

But it seems like there might be a catch with her "consideration" of doing all of the porn. There's either a catch or she is unclear as to what exactly porn consists of. That's because according to the New York Daily News, she "...would not kiss somebody. I wouldn't touch somebody." Now, as far as you know, I'm not much of an expert on porn. (Work with me here, will ya? It's not going to work if you don't play along.) But from what I do know about porn, I seem to vaguely recall that there is at least some touching that goes on. Granted, there aren't a lot of different parts that are involved the aforementioned touching. Really, there are only a few key players in this sort of game. But there has to be touching. It's porn! Porn is touching! I guess I'm going to have to speculate that this means that she'll be doing porn...by...herself? Ewww, ewww, EWWW!! Is there really a market for that? Forget I asked that. Of course there is.

And look, I'm not usually one to who would advocate that families be split up. But in all seriousness, why in the world does she still have these kids? She can NOT take care of them! I'm not questioning whether or not she loves them, mainly because I have no idea and that really isn't the issue. Love rarely solves anything. (It actually complicates most things, but that's a different story.) And yes, I've seen the pictures of the house of squalor. I will hand it to her in that the pictures of the children that were included did not show the children looking particularly disheveled. Sure, they didn't have pants on, but they're not even three yet. That's not a big deal. They appeared to be clean and had clean clothing on. But even that's not enough. I have no idea why the state hasn't stepped in.

Yes, I know, I know that I don't usually advocate for the government to be involved in the raising of children. But come on! This isn't exactly you see your neighbor's kid outside without shoes on a cold day and insist that CPS needs to step in. This nutjob has fourteen kids, no husband (or wife for that matter) and, most importantly no money. Maybe even more important than that is that she doesn't even have any potential to make any money. She can't do anything. I don't think that she's ever held a real job. Is she going to make a living doing masturbatory porn? (That was one of the grossest sentences that I've ever wrote.)

Let's do the math. If she's only being offered $100,000 for three hard-core sex scenes, how much could her and a cucumber (I'm assuming) possibly be worth? At $33,333 for each hard-core sex scene, I'd guess a solo act would go for a mere fraction of that. Let's say she gets ten grand. What's that going to last her? A month? According to some child raising calculator thing I found online (which could be completely full of crap for all I know), it costs about $8,330 to raise a child for a year. She has fourteen of those children. That comes out to $116,620 per year. So, at the rates that I'm guessing, she's going to have to do twelve "porn" things a year. Is there really a market for twelve of the same kind of movie from the same person? (Look, here's the Octomom getting herself off on the beach. Here she is in the kitchen. Here she is doing herself on a gazebo.) I'm not so sure that's the best investment. For anyone, really. After all, she already stripped down for a U.K. magazine called Closer and they only paid her $8,000. Brace yourself and behold!

Now, when you ask her about all of this, she says (in what I can only imagine to be the snottiest tone possible), "I'm so done...You people, you keep your business to yourself, and I'll keep my business to myself. My kids are healthy, they're happy, they've got food." Uh, tell you what, cupcake. As long as you're taking public assistance, you are my business. I'll give her that her kids look healthy because in the pictures that I saw, they looked fine. I'd probably prefer that they were panted, but it's not a big deal given their age and that they were at home. I'll give her that they have food, but only because she receives over $2,000 a month in food stamps. As far as happy, I'm going to disagree a little bit. That's impossible for me to know, but from the looks of the disarray of her home, I'm going to say that they're not all happy! I wish she'd just do the right thing and give them up. I know it sounds horrible, but this is a pretty extreme case and I think it's for the best. And then she doesn't have to do porn. That right there seems like enough of a win for her to at least consider it.