Saturday, May 19, 2012

Thirty? Thirty.

I got an email yesterday from a friend and all the email said was "Blood pressure feeling low?  Read this one:"  Then there was a link to a news story about a one 33-year old Desmond Hatchett.  And let me just tell you, my friend was right.  My blood pressure went from very sedentary to near coronary attack.  Consider this a warning that the same thing could happen to you!

What we have could be seen as just a regular ol' story about a guy who would like a little bit of his child support payments to be cut back.  He's having a hard time getting his minimum wage job to make ends meet for himself and his children.  But that's where any sense of normalcy stops in this story.  See, Desmond is the father of not one, not two, not even ten, but thirty children!  That's right.  Thirty.  And get this:  The oldest is fourteen.  So, let's do the illegitimate math here, shall we?  He managed to seed thirty children in 19 years.  Good thing that he managed to have four babies in one year...TWICE.  Other wise, I don't think that he would have been able to achieve such a status in such a short period of time.  But that only takes care of eight kids.  He still managed to squeeze in another twenty two children in only twelve years.  For all intents and purposes, that's two kids per year.  Did I mention that there were eleven (ELEVEN) different women involved in this sperm factory gone awry?  Yeah, there were.  Eleven.  Eleven stupid, stupid women.  

Now Desmond works a minimum wage job.  Hard to imagine that someone who would be so irresponsible as to have thirty children in fourteen years would only be qualified to work a minimum wage job, isn't it?  But I will give him credit for at least working and at least trying to do one thing right.  There's that.  It's not much and really, I'm not sure that it counts for anything.  But I guess that I appreciate his working at all.  And out of his minimum wage paycheck, the state garners the maximum fifty percent to go for child support.  As you can imagine, trying to spread fifty percent of a minimum wage paycheck isn't going to go very far.  And it doesn't.  Some of the mothers only receive $1.49 per month in child support.  And NO, I did NOT misplace the decimal point there.  That's one dollar and forty-nine cents in child support.  Aside from it being insulting, why would you bother?  There are so many things wrong with this story that I don't know where to start OR where to stop.  I do know that my blood pressure is likely to require medication before I'm done typing all of this out.  (Thanks for that, CW!)

Minimum wage in Tennessee is $7.25 per hour.  Holy crap.  Assuming the Father of the Year works a full work week of forty hours, he's looking at a whopping $290 per week.  Let's take out a third for taxes.  That's right around $96.  Now we're looking at $204 per week.  Split that in half and Desmond is taking home $102 per week.  Maybe a little more if I wasn't accurate with what gets taken out for taxes.  $102 divided by 30 (as in children) comes out to exactly $3.40 per month, per child.  That's just insane.  And pointless.  Look, even though I think that the guy should be financially responsible for all of his children, what in the hell good does $3.40 a month do anyone in this situation?  How about if all of the mothers rotate and every month, one of them gets the $102?  If they go by the $3.40 a month plan, they're only getting around $36 a year from him.  Doing it this alternate way practically triples that income for them!  But I digress.  

This is as big of a fuster cluck as there could ever be.  He's currently petitioning the state of Tennessee to help him with his child support payments.  What is supposed to be done in a situation like this?  It's lose-lose all the way around.  I think that the only rational thing to do here would be for the state to agree to step in IF Desmond gets snipped.  There HAS to be a doctor out there who would perform that surgery on Desmond for free.  Hell, I'm not a doctor and I'D gladly do it! I'd also gladly chop it right on off for him, but I'm pretty sure stuff that like isn't allowed.  (Probably only because I'm not licensed, though.) I also think that the women who he repeatedly impregnated (and who KNEW about his situation beforehand) need to agree to some counseling in order to receive any sort of benefits.  You have a weird way of looking at things if you're hooking up with this guy and not caring if you get knocked up.

And you know, while they're at it, might as well get ol' Desmond a little counseling too.  What in the hell goes through his mind in the situations that he gets himself into that will inevitably result in him impregnating someone AGAIN?  Back in 2009, he did an interview with something called VolunteerTV.  It went something like this:

"Do you intend to keep having children?" WVLT asked.
"No." Hatchett replied.
"You're done?"
"I'm done. I'll say I'm done."
"What made you say that?"
"I didn't intend to have this many. It just happened," Hatchett said.

Jesus.  Where do I start?  I guess with the obvious.  It didn't just happen!  He's not the unluckiest guy in the world, though I'm starting to believe that he may be the stupidest.  I should also point out that at the time of that interview, he only had 21 children.  Now he has 30.  You know.  Because it just happened.  Now, not only is my blood pressure through the roof, my head hurts from pounding it on my computer desk.  IT DIDN'T JUST HAPPEN, DAMMIT!  Uh-oh.  There go my lungs.  Breathe.  Breathe!  

Can we hook him up with Octomom?  They seem like they'd be a perfect fit for each other.  Both are totally clueless and surrounded by children.  He might be able to teach her a thing or two about at least trying to make a living.  And she could teach him a thing or two about doing masturbatory porn as a means of support.  Hmm.  That might not be the best idea after all.  Forget it.  Sterilize both of them and let them go at like rabbits. 

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