What's In A Name?

When a new neighborhood is being built, who is it that gets to name the streets? Is it the city, the developer, who does that? It'd kind of be a cool job if you felt like being creative. Picture it: A six by six block area of streets all named after Muppets! Kermit the Frog Lane. Miss Piggy Road. Big Bird Drive. That'd be awesome. Or just to keep things interesting you could give the roads names such as "Wrong Way Drive", "Other Way Way", or "Turn Around Place". Granted, there would be confusion and mayhem on the roads, but it would make for fab-ulous entertainment for about the first month. After that, you'd probably just want to switch all of the names over to trees or fruits or something. But definitely not anything that might "offend" anyone.

The only thing that I hate more than "fixing" or "correcting" something that is "offensive" to someone (singular) is doing things in a way that will allegedly "prevent" something "offensive" from occurring, even if there is no indication that anyone would be offended at all if it was done differently. Over there in the Lewes District Council, which is in East Sussex, which is in the UK, they're doing both, correcting and preventing. And they're doing it with street names. What?

The unoffensive folks over there at The Daily Mail tell us that the Council, having solved all other problems in the world, apparently, "....has drawn up guidelines for new street names." They've come up with "...its first street naming and numbering policy...which will ban potentially rude sounding names." See? "Potentially." There's your asinine prevention that I speak so lowly of right there for you!

Now, these are street names that we're talking about. How "offensive" could they possibly be? Well, you won't be seeing any 'aesthetically unsuitable' names, "such as Gaswork Road, Tip House and Coalpit Lane." According to the Council, those "should be avoided." Um, I don't get it. Let's see..."Gaswork" because it has the word "gas" in it and that will automatically be thought of as flatulence? Is that it? I was very unoffended by it when I read it, but that's just me (unfortunately). And "Tip House" because....? I don't know what a "Tip House" is. Now, if it were "Tit House", that I might agree should not be the name of a street (that runs past an elementary school, especially). But I thought "tips" were good? (Actually, I thought "tits" were good too, but that's a whole different blog post right there.) And "Coalpit Lane" because....? Maybe "Pit" is bad in England? They don't like coal? Miners would be offended?! I don't understand.

The Council has also banned "names capable of deliberate misinterpretation like Hoare Road, Typple Avenue, Quare Street, Corfe Close (4 Corfe Close) etc." This is becoming a lot of work to try to understand the issues they're having with these names. Let's see...."Hoare Road" would sound like "Whore Road" (whores are bad). Typple Avenue...? Because it's like that "Tip House" that wasn't OK before? It sounds too much like "nipple"? I don't know. "Quare" must not be OK because it either sounds too much like "queer" (they're bad too, according to some) or because it looks like "square" without the "S" and misspelling is bad as well. (Not as bad as whores and nipples, but still pretty bad.) I still have yet to be offended by anything except for the dougheads on this council who are implementing this.

"Street names which could give offence are not used, nor are names which encourage defacing name plates." I have absolutely no idea what that sentence means and the article didn't define it. I don't know of a name that would "encourage defacing" unless it said "Don't Deface". That would encourage defacing. Other than that, I'm stumped.

If this ridiculous policy had been in place when Juggs Road and Cockshut Road were erected (pun SO intended), those names would likely have been rejected under this "Prevention Through Exclusion and Overreaction" rule. Or if they had been in Reading, where last year, "Council chiefs banned a road from being called Fighting Cocks." Sure. Because if you were driving along and saw the road sign "Fighting Cocks" you'd immediately start looking around for two penises duking it out amongst themselves! "Honey! Did you see that sign? Where's your camera? The guys at the office are never going to believe this! Let me know if you see them so I can get a picture! " Yeah, I don't think that would happen. Often.

Does the Council think that everyone is twelve and thereby must snicker and giggle whenever they hear the word "cock"? They either think we're all twelve or that we're all Joey from "Friends", because this is ridiculous. (If everyone had thought like this there would definitely be no Phuket over there in Thailand. And you can bet that Intercourse, Pennsylvania wouldn't get very far either!) The Council is going to have a problem with a lot of the names of places over there in jolly old England because they have quirky names for places that have the potential to offend the masses (apparently). Just over there in the UK we have:

• Popping Hole
• Great Dixter (Just how great?)
• Sissinghurst Gardens
• Bewl Water (I don't know what 'Bewl" means either, but it has potential to offend, don't you think?).
• Tipsy Cottage.
• Cockermouth (It's in Cumbria! Right over there by Papcastle! I swear!).

Other places that the Council would not be fond of (but where the residents seem to have been able to manage their lives on a day to day basis without fail):

• F*cking (Apparently, it's in Tarsdorf, Austria. I must visit!)













• Dildo in Newfoundland, Canada (America's Hat, how could you?!)











Muff in Ireland










And perhaps Muff's cousin, Twatt in Scotland

And the list goes on and on.

Seriously. I know regular people have a lot of time on their hands, but shouldn't the council be doing something else besides this crap? If they want to know what the people find offensive, they should ask, because you know what name I find offensive? The Lewes Council!

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Take Care Of Your Beaver

Straight from the files of "Who Thought This Was A Good Idea In The First Place?" we have the Advertising Standards Bureau in Australia releasing their list of the most complained about commercials of 2008. Apparently, they have a bureau to take care of ad complaints in Australia? Or something? It's hard to tell, the article in the The Daily Telegraph doesn't really elaborate a whole lot on what the agency does (probably because those in Australia are already fully aware of the purpose of such an organization and how to use it, judging from the number of complaints about TV ads that they've received). But it tells plenty about commercials that I never get to see because they're only aired in far away lands that I am not watching TV in. Unfortunate, I would say.

The ad that received the most complaints was an ad for the Kotex U tampon. Now I have never heard of the Kotex U. However, I did attend and graduate from the University of Utah which was almost always referred to as "The U". So, to have a tampon that goes by the same name as the college I went to...well, it's a bit unsettling really. But the complaints were not about confusion with public universities in Utah. No, not so much.

I'm all for humor in my advertisements. All for it. Bring it on! The more the merrier! But sometimes, your humor might only target such a small group of a population that your humor is being lost on the vast majority of those it was aimed at. That's not good. That's also the case here. The Kotex U people (who may or may not still be employed at this point) created a "...tampon ad showing a woman going about daily activities with a beaver in tow." A beaver? Like the one that plays chess with Abraham Lincoln in those sleep medication commercials? Sort of. Though, in the sleep med commercial, the beaver is really a beaver, that flat tailed, dam building, semi-aquatic rodent that is the largest rodent in North America. In the Kotex U commercial, beaver is explained by a voiceover that says, "You only have one of them, so look after it'' and featured the animal which viewers understood to be a reference to female genitalia. Wait. What? I kid not. The commercial is below. I swear.

There's the beaver having it's hair done! The beaver at lunch! The beaver sunbathing! The beaver getting it's nails done! And I say that's one pampered beaver! Someone, no, more than one someone thought that would be a good idea? For a TV ad? That would air? For people to see?! Look, it's funny as hell, but not exactly the best marketing strategy. What were they thinking?! OK, what were they thinking other than "That's pretty damn funny!"?? Good Lord, what came in second place? (And no, it wasn't a commercial for Kotex U with a cat instead of a beaver. They at least knew enough not to go there!)

Running a close second place and with no alluding to female genitalia whatsoever (and thank God for that!) we have "...a Domino's pizza ad in which a character named Many Toppins uses the made-up term "Supercalafreakinawesome'.' (Hey, thanks Daily Telegraph blokes, for telling us that "Supercalafreakinawesome" is a "made-up term". Did you really think we wouldn't get that on our own? Who do we look like? The Kotex U ad folks?) I didn't really think it was that bad, though the "Many Toppins" play on words there is kind of annoying. But, then again, I don't live in Australia and I wasn't subjected to seeing this ad all the live long day.

One of the 145 people who complained said "While `freakin' is not particularly terrible, on the ad, it sounds more like `friggin' and was repeated as such by my four-year old." (See, if I had received that complaint, my response would have been, "So, tell him to stop. What do you want me to do? You're the parent." That's just one of the many reasons I will never hold any sort of public office. I'm too damn reasonable that way.) So 'freakin' is OK, but 'friggin' is bad? She's all confused. 'Freakin' and 'friggin' are OK, it's "f*ck" that's bad. Moron.

The video of said "Supercalafreakingawesome" commercial is below. More so than complaining about the word itself, I'd like to know how many complained about "Many Toppins" there. He looks like George Foreman in drag! I guess I wasn't expecting "Many Toppins" to be a dude. But a dude he is! And with a fancy umbrella and a very smart hat, to boot! And that voice! If I had to hear that more than once during breaks in my Sunday football viewing schedule, I think I'd hang myself. But really, all they're trying to get you to do is put double the toppings on your pizza. How can you complain about that?

In third place was a billboard put up by the Advanced Medical Institute. It was one of three that was discontinued after "...being found in breach of the Australian Association of National Advertisers' code of ethics." Do tell! This bright yellow billboard with huge red letters asked the question, "WANT LONGER LASTING SEX?" and then had a number to call. (Who doesn't, is my question.) Although they were supposed to be removed, a lot of the billboards just had the word "sex" covered up with a big 'Censored' sticker, making the billboards look deliciously ridiculous, I'm sure. One of the complaints, according to someone who was listening to complaints, I assume, was that "In one case we heard that a six-year-old child asked his mother, `How long is it supposed to last?" Again, I ask, AND? So what? Before you answer that, hold on, because this gets better! The billboards were eventually replaced....with billboards that said "BONK LONGER". THAT was OK! "Want longer lasting sex" was not OK! I'm not sure if I like Australia a whole lot more right now or if I don't like Australia a whole lot more right now. It's one of those, but I don't know which one.

The chief executive at the ASB is a one Fiona Jolly (cute). The Jolly executive said that they received about 2350 complaints for more than 540 ads. That works out to about 4.3 complaints per ad. OH MY GOD! Are you freaking kidding me?!! You folks down there have an organization that is designed to deal with the less than five people who are going to bitch about anything and everything if they have an outlet to do so and even if they don't?!! Why are you pandering to those who make the lives of the rest of us (the ones without our head up our arse) difficult and oppressed?! At the very least, they make life a heck of a lot less fun with all of their complaining about anything they can!

Well, the ASB apparently encourages baseless bitching because according to the Jolly one, "This year we launched a public education campaign to highlight to people that there is somewhere they can raise their concerns about any advertising.'' Oh, great! Now you're actively seeking out complainers and whiners! Soon, all advertising will consist of just a very large font with a strongly worded message! The purpose of encouraging said bitching is because "...advertisers and brands needed to take complaints more seriously as consumers, particularly women, would just stop buying their products." I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that consumers, particularly women, might hate a particular ad more than they've ever hated anything before, but they're still going to buy those tampons! (And really, I'm not sure that I know any woman who is fond of any advertising for feminine products. There are certainly no men that are fond it it! We know what the products do. We don't need to be reminded all the time! Unless they're going to show me something I haven't seen before that does something that they've never done before, I'll pass, thanks!)

I understand that the ASB gives complainers a place to complain to, but I'm not sure what good it does. I guess in the case of the "ethics violation" for the longer bonking folks, there was something tangible to work with as far as what is and what is not allowed. I guess. (You can't have the word "sex", but you can have the word "bonk". Interesting. Granted, "bonk" is funnier, but I'm failing to see where "sex" is going to cause some sort of irreparable damage to someone. The word "sex". Not the actual act itself. We all know that can damage someone. A couple of thumps of the noggin on that headboard there can give you a concussion if you're not careful!) Does it just give the whiners a place to vent so they don't end up in a clock tower with a high powered rifle? Possibly. And if that's the case, then more power to 'em.

But I worry that they're going to get so concerned with what is and isn't "OK" that we're going to end up missing out on some realy funny stuff. Because let's face it, the best commercials, the ones that people are most likely to pay attention to and remember, are the ones that are funny. And if the rules get too stringent, we will end up missing out on commercials like the one for Bud Light below. This commercial was supposed to air during a Super Bowl (I can't remember which one) but was deemed unsuitable and would have violated the FCC standards for that sort of stuff. (FCC standards, by the way, seem to consist of no swearing and no nipples. Everything else is fair game.) Behold! The best Bud Light commercial you may have never seen!

Wasn't that just @#$%*&! awesome?

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An Obscenity-Laden Welcome to 2009

You've gotta love Kathy Griffin, don't you? You do. Trust me, you do. Even if you don't , you know you do. She's awesome. What's not to love? She tells it like it is with language saltier than that of the saltiest sailor, she's pretty damn funny, she titles her albums things like 'Strong Black Woman' (and if you have seen Kathy Griffin ever you know that about the one thing that she is not is a strong, black woman), and she has built her career around her own shortcomings. Oh, if we could all only be so fortunate as to figure out how to do such a thing and be successful at it. (Sure, I've tried, but one of my shortcomings is shortcoming. It's sort of a conundrum wrapped in an enigma or a blanket or something. Either way, it ain't happenin' any time soon for me like that!) Oh, and Kathy Griffin is also the heir apparent to the Fag Hag Throne whenever it's vacated by Cher. She'll do just fine (only without the singing, the long black hair and that short little guy. Oh, wait. Cher doesn't have him either. Never mind.) She's great. Please, give her more events to host. Or to win. Soon!

You may or may not be aware of Kathy's mark that she has made at the Emmy awards in the past couple of years. Aside from asking stars on the red carpet for their opinions about 12-year old Dakota Fanning being in rehab (she wasn't, but how funny is that?!), or causing a "scene" (which she had planned out ahead of time if she lost) when her Emmy nominated show (My Life on the D-List) lost to Extreme Home Makeover or some tear-jerking/feel good reality show like that, it's even better when she wins! When her show did win for Best Reality Series and she accepted the award, her speech went something like this: "A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it were up to him, Cesar Milan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is "Suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now!" If you're interested in the real thing, the video clip is below. I highly recommend it, as it's quite funny. Of course, I was one of the ten or so people that actually thought so, apparently.

I mean, can you imagine? People being offended? Go figure. Naturally, those words were cut from the telecast (but, mind you, a video called "Dick in a Box" can WIN an Emmy and that seems to be just fine because apparently things are rather bass-ackwards in the censorship department at the Emmys) because they might "offend" people. When asked about that possibility Kathy Griffin replied, "I hope I offended some people. I didn't want to win the Emmy for nothing." You're starting to like her more, aren't you? I told you so! Oh, and according to Reuters, naturally a "...Roman Catholic group, the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, which condemned Griffin's remarks as "obscene and blasphemous." Of course they did. It wouldn't be a controversy if some group didn't have to pipe up and be offended all over the place. Spare me. "Griffin's reaction to the imbroglio, according to a statement issued by her publicist: "Am I the only Catholic left with a sense of humor?" " Most excellent. Rock on, funny woman. Rock on! So she did.

Somehow she ended up hosting the New Year's Eve Ball Drop in New York City with a one Anderson Cooper (whose mother is....? Gloria Vanderbilt, that is correct. Who knew? Just a little bit of trivia that you won't find in other blog posts about Kathy Griffin. Keep it in mind. You might need it someday.). Now, her show might be called "My Life on the D-List" but the "D" is just a "D". It's not supposed to stand for anything! It's not supposed to be her signature letter or anything! She might have forgotten that part. Or, at the very least, she might have forgotten that she had TV cameras pointed at her in the middle of the night, outside, in a very, very cold New York as she hosted this Ball Drop thing.

OK, so there she is with Anderson Cooper and they're just chatting it up right before they go to a commercial and some observer who had been...well, observing was giving her a hard time. So as the picture fades to the live aerial shot as they go to commercial, Kathy must have thought her mike was off. That could explain why she chose then to go off on the guy. Then again, just being Kathy Griffin could explain why she chose then to go off on the guy. Regardless as to the reason, the retort was priceless. It was also the first live, on-air, "swearing" of 2009. Ring it in, Griffin!

She said, "Shut up!! Do you know what? Screw you! I'm working! Why don't you get a job, buddy!? I don't go to your job and knock the d**ks out of your mouth." Welcome, 2009!! Quick! Check out the video clip of it below before the FCC has their obligatory heart attack over something like this and pulls it!

I will say that I would have been a little disappointed if that was all that she said that was controversial during the entire time she was on Anderson Cooper's show. But I'm not disappointed because that wasn't all she said! Oh, no! That's right! There's more! She apparently said that she wanted to "get a pap smear from Dr. Sanjay Gupta (the CNN medical reporter)." And she also referred to Glenn Beck (who used to host a show on CNN) as a "heroin addict Mormon." Excellent.

On her website, Kathygriffin.net, there's really not much of a mention that she said "d*ck", "pap smear" and "heroin addict Mormon". Probably because it's just another day in the life of Kathy Griffin, not "controversial news" like some media outlets would like everyone to believe (because they believe it). And news or not, just keep putting her in front of the cameras. She has bills to pay just like everyone else, you know. And who doesn't need entertainment? Crass, foul-mouthed entertainment. We all do! Just go easy on her, FCC guys. Just because she said "d*ck" and it wasn't followed by "in a box" doesn't mean that you need to make a big deal about it. Should she put it to music next time? Would that help? I thought so. Excellent.

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Tomato, Tomahto

You know, you can give anything, anything at all, any name you want to give it, that doesn't necessarily change much. Just because I say the sky is green doesn't mean the sky is really green. (All that means is that I've been sniffing glue.) Or if I call a banana a 'crook neck fruit', that doesn't mean it's going to catch on, nor does it mean that other people are going to believe me and start calling it the Chiquita crook neck fruit. That would be silly. But there's a fine line (apparently) between just making stuff up/calling stuff what you want to call it and using the old standby of a "technicality" to justify your making stuff up/calling stuff whatever you want. The "technicality" does little to reinforce your point or solidify your basis. (It works a lot better if you don't have to admit or mention that you are making the point that you're making based upon a "technicality". Yeah, people punch other people for that.)

That being said, I go now to a story that was run by the AP regarding Sarah Palin's interpretation of what does or does not constitute a high school "dropout". Specifically, Caribou Barbie's interpretation of whether her daughter or her allegedly future son-in-law are high school "dropouts". I'm sure you'll be shocked, just shocked, when I tell you that Sarah Palin says that both of them are not, repeat not, not high school "dropouts".

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are who Governor Palin has jumped in to defend by issuing a strongly worded statement and by speaking with the Associated Press on Wednesday. Now you may recall that Bristol just gave birth to her and Levi's son, a one small child named Tripp, less than a week ago. Now, when you've just barely turned eighteen and haven't finished high school yet, trying to work in having a baby in the midst of all of that can be pretty tricky. Not to mention having your mom run for Vice President of the United States at the same time as well. Yep, that's one hectic schedule right there.

Now, if you're me, you're thinking that seventeen/eighteen and still in high school is probably not the best time in one's life to go around procreating. Of course, if seems like the perfect time to be having all of the sex! That's what high school is for. Learning things that you'll need to get you into college and meeting other people to have sex with. That's high school. But if you're going to try and have a child with all of that, it just isn't going to work out very well. That's why folks in this situation usually stop going to school. And another word for "to stop going to school" is "to dropout". Can you say "to dropout"? Good. How 'bout you, Governor Palin? Oooh! Not so good there.

In October, the AP reported "...that Johnston dropped out of high school to work on the North Slope oil fields" and so Sarah Palin wanted to correct that information. by speaking with the AP on Wednesday and telling them that "18-year-old Levi Johnston is enrolled in high school through a correspondence program." She's just now getting around to correcting that? They reported it in October! I know, I know, she was busy running around after Old Man Grandpa John McCain for a few months there, but doesn't she have a staff? Sure she does. OK, then. So what's the reason for saying something NOW? (Actually, what's the reason for the lad not coming forward or contacting the AP and saying something? It's one of three things. He either a) doesn't know that it's being said, b) he doesn't care that it's being said, or c) it's true. Your choice. I'm going with "c".)

I'm guessing the reason for "correcting" the "mis-information" now is because it's also being reported that her daughter, the one giving all the birth the other day, had also dropped out of high school. It's one thing to have your alleged future son-in-law drop out of high school, but when you're the hottest governor of the coldest state and they start saying the same thing about your own daughter? Well, that calls for some stern words of correction to be issued immediately. And if not immediately, then right after about a million bloggers have posted about it.

"The governor said her daughter is enrolled in regular high school and has taken correspondence courses." See, that sounds an awful lot like her statement about Levi. And both of those statements seem to go on the "technicality" argument. You might notice that her statement doesn't say that either one of them are currently or actively participating in said correspondence courses/programs. She said that her daughter "has taken correspondence courses." Well, I have taken a driving test before, that doesn't mean I'm currently taking Driver's Ed. And you can be enrolled in a gym, that sure as hell doesn't mean you're going. That just means you have a little laminated card with your picture on it that, contrary to the beliefs of some, will not let you check out library books, nor operate a motor vehicle. (Go figure.) All it will do is let you go work out at the gym that you're enrolled in...IF you go there to do so. If you don't, well, the gym ain't coming to you!

See, when you go to high school, the usual expectation or popular school of thought is that one will attend said high school until they graduate. If one stops going to high school before one graduate and one has no intention of returning, it is said that one has "dropped out". If one is still enrolled in high school and stops going and doesn't appear to have any intention of returning (but has taken correspondence courses because one's mother is the governor), it can be said that one has "dropped out" in that situation as well.

How is this any different than someone who stops going to high school, say, fifteen years ago and then one day decides to enroll in some correspondence program to get their diploma? Just because they are enrolled in that correspondence program, does that mean that they are no longer a "high school dropout"? Not necessarily. In fact, it seems to me that if you voluntarily stopped going to high school for no other reason than "just because", until you actually get that diploma, you're a dropout.

The AP said that a "phone message left at the home of Johnston's mother wasn't immediately returned Wednesday." That would be the mother that just got busted for dealing OxyContin a couple of weeks ago? Maybe they should have tried texting her. I hear she's a fan. (By the way, does she have her high school diploma? Or has she taken correspondence courses in the past also?)

Call it what you want, the bottom line is both Bristol and Levi are far from being in an optimal situation at this point. Whether they're actively working to finish whatever they need to in order to receive a high school diploma, I have no idea. All I know is that right now, neither one of them has one. And it's kind of important. I'm not saying that everyone is college material, nor am I saying that everyone should be expected to go to college. But I am saying that earning a high school diploma is not too high of a standard to set, nor an expectation to be met. It's necessary. (And I don't want to hear about the one in a million case where someone didn't have a high school diploma and made a gazillion dollars. I don't care. It doesn't happen often enough to justify using it as why it's OK to not graduate from high school. Lots of things "might" happen, but most of them make horrible rationale for why someone does something. Monkeys "might" fly out of my butt, but that doesn't mean I'm going to join the circus. Or go on Maury Povich. Is he still on? Never mind. You know what I mean.)

Nice try, Caribou Barbie. I think you're hot and all, but that was a pretty weak attempt at trying to save a little face there. If you had asked me, I would have suggested that you just suck it up and not say anything. Now that you've drawn attention to it, people will be looking their way when June rolls around and they should be graduating. If they aren't ready to graduate then, expect this to rise to the top of pointless fodder once again. The media is really good at re-hashing old fodder. They're fodder hashers. And they do it well.

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Happy New Year Times Eight

Happy New Year! Or, Happy Thursday (if you tend to look at these things like I do and realize that there's not all that much 'new' going on just because one digit in the year has changed)!

Holy canoli, I did it. I posted at least once, every day, for an entire freaking year. What is wrong with me? Oh, right, overly opinionated and quite amusing, that's it! I ended 2008 with 613 posts and that works out to right around 1.68 posts per day. That's a lot. I don't care who you are, that's a lot. If you have 613 of something, you have a lot of that thing. And since I'm not one to be a slacker (well, I'm not one to be a slacker so that everyone knows that I'm a slacker. I might be lazy, but I'm crafty!), that is going to have to be the minimum number of posts for me for 2009. And judging from the 2008 debacles that have not yet ironed themselves out, I'm sure that won't seem like such a lofty goal come May or June when I've really got a full head of steam. (Oh, and with Barry being inaugurated as President and then the whirlwind of his first 100 days in office? This blog will practically write itself! And on some days, that really wouldn't be such a bad idea.)

I'm thinking about adding a Twitter feed to the ol' blog here. I'm not sure why. I find it kind of annoying and frankly, I'm not all that interested in stuff that I'm doing day to day, I don't know why in the world I'd think that someone else would be. But who knows? Because other than the eight of you reading this, in general, people are what? Morons, that is correct. So maybe Twitter will be a welcome addition. I'll see how that goes just as soon as I can muster up the energy to look into it.

Well, this is all starting to sound a little self serving here, so I need to get to the point that I had meant to hit on to begin with. Pretty much, the only reason that I had for posting every single day for a year was simply just to see if I could. That and to get better at....whatever this is. That's just how I work. If I have an ongoing project, I'd prefer that I continue to improve it and get better at whatever it is that I'm doing. And I really wanted to get better at this...whatever this is. And while I think that I have gotten better at it, I know that there's no way I could have done it (nor would there have been a reason for it) 613 times if it hadn't been for the eight of you who read this and have encouraged me along the way to keep it up (lest you actually have to hear me rant about something) via your comments or just telling me in person:

La Belle Canadienne, (My link to Canada, America's Hat), Remi, my biggest fan in Germany (I'm huge in Europe!), Irritated Tulsan (Some days, he's more irritated than I am!), blnrckr (Because I'm just glad that you read something. Anything!), CW (who was probably the first to let me know that I might be on to something here and has read this damn thing daily for almost a year), Karen (who continued to read whether you were talking to me or not!), CA (who reads the posts, well, reads the comments in bulk and loves the pictures!) and finally, AliceAmplified (who has helped shape my critical thinking skills, been an avid supporter as well as a pretty nifty friend, and whose comments always leave me laughing. She also writes extremely well, which has left me wanting to learn how to express things as well and as concisely as she can. I can get wordy if I'm not careful.).

You guys all rule. Thank you. Thanks for reading. Thanks for commenting. Thanks for coming back. Thanks.

May all eight of you have an awesome 2009.

~ Mare

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An Oral History of Charles Barkley

Gosh dang it, I love Charles Barkley. The guy was way fun to watch when he was playing in the NBA, but since he's retired he's been more fun to watch! Actually, I take that back. Since he's retired, he's been more fun to listen to! Man, that guy is like a factory for one-liners. Get this: He's in some sort of a fight where he ends up throwing a guy through the first floor window of a bar. He ends up in front of a judge who tells him that he's going to receive community service and a fine. Then the just asks him if he has any regrets. Sir Charles replies, "Yeah I regret we weren't on a higher floor." Most excellent! Or how about back in 1992 when the Olympic Dream Team was playing against Panama in the Tournament of the Americas and Barkley was asked what their goal was. He said, "To get the Canal back." Awesome. OK, just one more! I don't know when or where he said this one, I'm just taking the word of a one Robert Littal over there at Black Sports Online. But Barkley is said to have said the following: "I'd never buy my girl a watch... she's already got a clock over the stove." Now, as a chick, I can't condone that. But as a chick who isn't around anyone else right now, I can laugh my ass off because that is funny!

So far be it for Charles to let us down in the early morning hours of the last day of 2008 when he was pulled over and subsequently arrested for DUI in Arizona. Let's start with the mug shot, shall we? Good Lord, how much alcohol does it take to get a hulking mass sponge like Charles Barkley drunk? I'd have to assume we'd be graduating past the keg and into the barrel category. Regardless, here you go. Behold!

Now that's a man who had a good time right up until the second he was arrested, I'll tell you that right now. Sweaty, glossy eyed, and wearing a smirk that says "I hope they get my good side. What am I talking about? All my sides are good!" I would like to know more about what he's wearing. Add some wooden beads to that shirt there and he looks like he's wearing a car seat cover.

According to the police report (which will enlarge if clicked upon) that was made available by the smoking good folks at The Smoking Gun, the arresting officer saw a black Infiniti SUV going southbound roll through a stop sign going about 10 mph. As the cop pulls out to catch up to Barkley, the SUV stops just past the intersection where he ran the stop sign and a female gets into the passenger seat. (Hmmmm....you see where this is going, right?) Then the SUV starts to take off and the cop flips on his lights. Now, usually, when one gets pulled over, they do just that. They pull over. Not Barkley. No, he just stopped and blocked the only southbound lane that there was! (Well, at least he stopped.)

The cop goes up to the window and tells Barkley why he was stopped, to which Barkley acknowledges, but that's about it. When the cop asks him if he had been drinking, the honorable Sir Charles replies, "Yes, I have!" And when asked how many, he tells the cop, "A couple. I could give you a bullshit answer, but I didn't." And it's unfortunate that when it comes to drunk driving, honesty is not exactly going to win you any points. On the bright side, no one will be calling you a liar, so that's something!

The cop gives him the field sobriety tests because Charles reeks of alcohol. He fails and he gets arrested. I guess in Arizona they also draw blood for DUIs? News to me. Barkley let them take 2 vials of his blood, but told the officer that he drinks, "...but I don't do any of that other sh*t." He told the officer two more times that he did not do drugs. Once would have been plenty, Charles, but you're drunk so it's....well....it's not OK, but we understand.

But here's where it gets better. (Fair warning: There will be acts of carnality described here without censorship. If it was profanity, I'd probably use the little asterisk. But it's not and since it's not overly graphic and doesn't involve animals or anything like that, I'm just going with what it is. Just so you know.) The cop asked Barkley where he was going. Sir Charles the Honest tells him that he ran the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up the girl that the cop saw get into the SUV. Then Barkley asked the cop to admit that the girl was hot! I don't know if the cop acknowledged the girls hotness because from there the report goes right to Barkley asking the cop, "You want the truth?" Oh, please! The truth would be mar-velous right about now! So he says, "I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job." He then felt the need to explain (as if the cop wouldn't understand why a guy would want a blow job in the first place) that the girl had blown him a week earlier and he said that it "was the best one he had ever had in his life" according to the police report. Yeah, well, that may or may not be true because I dare anyone to show me one guy who ever had a blow job that he did not enjoy profusely.

While he was being processed, he told one of the cops, "I'll tattoo my name on your ass" if the cop helped him get out of the DUI. Then he laughed that ass that he was going to tattoo on off and said, "I'll tattoo your name on MY ass!" Now that makes more sense! (Unless the guy was a big Charles Barkley fan, I couldn't see how tattooing Charles' name on the guy's ass would be any sort of an incentive to do anything at all!)

Shortly after this, Barkley was released. The officer who received all of this information and wrote the report also indicated that he had audio taped the conversation and that will be included in the evidence as well and I, for one, cannot wait until that is available! THAT should be good. We'll get all of the amusement of his statement WITH the added bonus of being able to hear the slurring! Excellent!

They also found a handgun in the SUV. What is it with athletes and guns?? Why do so many of them feel the need to constantly travel anywhere with a firearm either in their car or in their luggage or in their pants? Why?? And most of these famous athletes who end up in legal trouble because of their fondness for their firearms are not people who cannot afford to buy themselves some other form of protection. They don't need to be packing the heat themselves! Hire yourself some damned bodyguards, guys! Put the guns away! Besides, where do these guys think that they are and what do they think is going to happen that they will need to be armed in order to make it through alive?! It's not like they're at an away game on the Gaza Strip or anything. What's with the guns? I don't get it.

I also don't get what ever happened to the best blow job giver in the world. She just disappeared from the whole incident. I mean, she got in the SUV before he was pulled over and then....?? That's right. Nothing! Was she released? Was she arrested, er, persecuted for her trade? They really should have kept better tabs on her because I'll bet that Charles wanted to know where she was when he was released. And I can almost guarantee you that he got that blow job that he was after because you don't go looking for a little southern lovin' and end up getting arrested and then not go back to get what got you in trouble in the first place. Otherwise, it wouldn't have been worth it getting arrested. But once that's item on his agenda is all taken care of, he'll be fine with the whole thing. Actually, it's Charles Barkley. Whether he's fine with it or not, it will still be entertaining for us onlookers. Can't wait until court! Stay tuned, won't ye?

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