Literally, The Worst Answer Ever

Could someone please tell Rick Perry to quit while he's behind (and I mean very behind) and just get out of the Republican Presidential nominee race as soon as he can. If he's not going to do that, could someone at least explain to him how to use "literally" correctly in a sentence. (Here's a hint: It does not mean "figuratively".)

In Saturday's debate (which was a complete debacle in terms of any sort of substantive issues being raised, thanks to the overly proud of himself and his lefty stance, George Stephanopolous), Rick Perry stated "I would send troops back into Iraq." Wow! Really, Rick? You're going for this nomination by touting the re-start the war in Iraq platform? We've spent eight years trying to get the hell out of there and you're saying that you would unequivocally put us back there? That's a brave, albeit asinine, position to state. Out loud. Well, I guess you can't accuse him of pandering with that sort of stance. I will give him that.

And why does he want to send troops back into Iraq, you ask? He continues by explaining: "We're going to see Iran, in my opinion, go back in at literally the speed of light." Oh, Lord. Where to begin? I suppose I should start by saying that is literally the worst usage of the word 'literally' that I have ever heard. I think that if you think that the Iranians can go into Iraq at "literally the speed of light" then you are probably literally unqualified to be President. And I guess that if you interpret what he's saying to mean that we need to keep our eye on Iran just so that they don't go getting all froggy over there, well that's one thing. But if he's saying that Iran has the capability to go into Iraq at literally the speed of light, well then, we're screwed. If that's the case, I suggest that we all bow down to our new Iranian overlords right now because we, ladies and gentlemen, have been bested in the "Troops Having The Speed of Light" category.

Holy crap. Now, whether or not he actually meant literally isn't exactly the point here. (And that's mainly because I'm praying to God that he just doesn't know what 'literally' means. Literally.) The point here is that he sounds like a complete tool box. Go back into Iraq? Yeah, that's a winning platform there. I literally want him to drop out before the next debate.

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Not Everyone Left

This morning, I received a rather disingenuous email from President Barry. It read as follows:

Mary --

Early this morning, the last of our troops left Iraq.

As we honor and reflect on the sacrifices that millions of men and women made for this war, I wanted to make sure you heard the news.

Bringing this war to a responsible end was a cause that sparked many Americans to get involved in the political process for the first time. Today's outcome is a reminder that we all have a stake in our country's future, and a say in the direction we choose.

Thank you.

Barack

Yeah, um, let's talk about for just a second, shall we? Do you know where the largest United State Embassy is in the world? Yeah, it's in Baghdad. Why is this not mentioned more? What do you think we're doing by building our largest embassy right there in the middle of Iraq? No, really. What do you think? Because I can't figure it out. Regardless, our presence in Iraq is now permanent due to that embassy. Yes, I realize that the embassy is not a military base. My point here is that I'm tired of this withdrawal of troops from Iraq being portrayed as the US being completely absent from Iraq because that's simply not true. And it doesn't sound as good. I imagine that it might raise some questions that people don't want to answer during an election year as well.

And about the troops. Sure, the troops have "exited" Iraq. But everything that I read about this "exit" makes it sound as if there are NO Americans left Iraq who are working for the US government. According to CNN, "The United States will still maintain a presence in Iraq: hundreds of nonmilitary personnel, including 1,700 diplomats, law enforcement officers, and economic, agricultural and other experts, according to the State Department. In addition, 5,000 security contractors will protect Americans and another 4,500 contractors will serve in other roles." Wait a minute. 5,000 security contractors? What sort of security and for whom? I thought that we were "out of Iraq". Oh, that's right. For some reason, the White House and the State Department don't consider non-military personnel to be worthy of mentioning. Hmmm...I wonder who those security contractors operate under? Someone has to be giving them directions, right? Am I supposed to believe that it is someone other than our government? Because I'm really not going to do that. They can call it whatever they want to call it, but to keep saying over and over that the US is "out of Iraq" is really borderline lying. Really borderline.

So there you have it. At least 10,000 contractors and embassy related personnel are still in Iraq. The world's biggest embassy is in Baghdad. But President Barry and the State Department are going around touting the departure of the US from Iraq. And for some reason, the media is buying right into that hype and continuing to report it that way. That's because the media sucks. Sucks bad.

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Punk'd - Iraqi Style

American reality shows are brainless, but at least they're somewhat amusing. There's a small slice of entertainment that can come from them. Come on, American Idol? Dancing With The Washed Up Stars? America Has Weird Talent? So You Think You Can Dance, But You Really Can't? They take our mind off of our problems or our daily lives. They remind us how lucky we are that we're not on some dumbass show like that. Most importantly, they remind us how lucky we are that we're not a celebrity in Iraq experiencing the equivalent of Punk'd, only instead of a wacky incident taking place, they plant fake bombs in celebrities’ cars, have an Iraqi army checkpoint find them and terrify the celebrities into thinking that they are headed for maximum security prison or execution. Wait. That's a TV show?

Correct. That is a TV show. In Iraq. For the purpose of entertainment. I'm not sure who thought this was a good idea, but someone did. According to the NY Times, the show is called "Put Him in [Camp] Bucca”. And in case you were wondering, Camp Bucca is "...the large American-built high-security prison ...that held thousands of Iraqi detainees and was closed in September 2009." Sounds charming. And of course, hilarious. Uh, or not.

And really, if it's laughs that you're looking for, that's all you need to justify something as horrible as this. According to the producers of this insanity, "...the show was entertainment, that it made people laugh and that no one had gotten hurt." Right. No problem. Because what's really funny is that these poor people really thought that they had a serious chance of going to prison for the rest of their lives and/or possibly being executed. Hysterical.

The set-up goes something like this: A celebrity is "...invited to the headquarters of the private television station Al Baghdadia to be interviewed, but en route to the station a fake bomb would be planted in their car while they were being searched by Iraqi soldiers". But the fun is only just beginning! As the clandestine filming continues (a la Candid Camera or anything else with a hidden camera), the viewer gets to enjoy the reaction of the celebrities as the bogus guards at the checkpoint shout such hilarities at them such as as: “Why do you want to blow us up?” “You are a terrorist.” “How much did they pay you to do it? You will be executed.” Does it get any better than that? I can't imagine.

Look, I know that things are tough in Iraq, but this doesn't exactly seem like the best place to go to for a little humor. It would be one thing if the show was depicting a scenario that was completely unrealistic or unbelievable or something like that. But, sadly, it depicts a scenario that could actually occur. You could actually be thrown in jail for the rest of your life or executed for appearing like you're trying to blow something up (ie, having a bomb in tow) in Iraq. At the very least, can you imagine the fear that would go through someone who knew that there was something seriously wrong, yet still knew that even a misunderstanding could get them imprisoned for Allah only knows how long before things get all straightened out?! IF they ever did get straightened out!

This program is supposed to air during Ramadan, which happens to go on for like a month. The ironic part is that, according to the maybe right, maybe not-so-right, Wikipedia, during Ramadan, one is supposed to "...pray for guidance and help in refraining from everyday evils, and try to purify themselves through self-restraint and good deeds." That show doesn't sound like it does that quite so much. It kind of sounds like it does absolutely the opposite of that. Then again, during Ramadan, they're also supposed to "refrain from eating, drinking and sexual relations from dawn until sunset". Sounds like a heck of a holiday. Maybe "Put Him In [Camp] Bucca" is supposed to help relieve some of the frustrations that must arise during that time, regardless of the irony. Hey! If it takes watching a man fear that he will be executed for something that he did not do in order to cheer those folks up, so be it!

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Why We'll Never Leave Iraq

Um, this would be a video of Iraqi soldiers attempting to do (or get the hang of) jumping jacks. It made me laugh, but that was probably only so I wouldn't cry. Doomed, I tell you. Doomed.

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The Exportation of Sand

Iraq is a country that is 10 parts sand to 1 part water. That's a lot of sand. (Hence, my term "sand lands".) But regardless of the amount of sand there, it's apparently not good enough for the American military, which is why we are sending MORE sand to Iraq. Wait. What now?

Correct. According to The New York Times, the US military is building a bunch of blast walls all over Iraq. That's likely because it's rather blast-y there. But according to a one Maj. Gen. Phillip E. McGhee, "...you look to see that based on the specs that we have for blast walls, it takes a particular grain and quality of sand. That sand is not in Iraq, so you have to bring the sand in."

Now, look, that may or may not be true. I have no idea. The guy says that it's true, so I guess that it's supposed to be. But when I continually hear the cases of contractor fraud that goes on in Iraq and the gazillions of dollars that are wasted because of said fraud, I have to admit that I'm a little skeptical that the type of sand that is over there just isn't sufficient. Again, I'm not saying that it's a big sham. I'm just saying that it's all a little suspicious. I mean, seriously. With all of the technology and stuff that we know how to do, are you telling me that there isn't a way to make a blast wall up to the specifications that we need it to be by using some of the resources that are already there? I can't imagine that there isn't a cheaper way to do this.

I'd like to know who it is that's selling them all of this sand. I have ten bucks that says whoever the contractor is, whoever the seller of the sand is, whoever is connected to this procedure, whoever it is will be found to be somehow connected to some Senator somewhere. Think about it! We're buying SAND so it can be shipped to IRAQ! Next up? Buying ice cubes to ship them to Antarctica.

And since I'm really tired right now, that's about all I have to say about that. (If I could only be this concise all the time.)

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We Wanted Things Changed, Not Deranged!

Oh, I don't say it often, but when I do, I mean it. God bless Jon Leibowitz. Well, you know him as Jon Stewart, the quick witted host of The Daily Show. That guy really needs to be airing in a time slot which could ensure that more people would catch his act because let me just tell you, folks would learn a heck of a lot about how things really are and how things work. It's what this country has been missing for oh-so many years! A prime time cynic! (No, Archie Bunker did not count!)

Jon Stewart's brilliance is highlighted this time in the political sector which is but one of many of the wide variety of sectors that this country has to offer in order to keep the citizens thoroughly confused at all times. Confusing? Good, it's working.

We begin with our President, Change-y McOptimism Barack Obama, speaking to soldiers and the media and anyone else who could just wander in at Camp Lejeune in North Carolina. And with all of the rhetoric of previous administrations, he announced that our war in Iraq would soon come to an end. These were his words: "Let me say this as plainly as I can, by August 31, 2010, our mission in Iraq will end."

Well, that is good news! So they're all coming home?! Ehhhh....not so fast. President Barry, please continue.

"We will retain a transitional force to carry out three distinct functions. This force will likely be made up of 35 thousand to 50 thousand US troops."

Well, that sounds kind of like they're staying there. See, this is what I hate about politicians and politics in general. They talk to the American public as if we're stupid or as if we are four years old and retarded. Look, you can say what you're saying one of two ways. You can say "One mission will end while another one begins" or you can say "We're wrapping it up, but we're not quite done yet." Either of those or a variation thereof is fine. What is not fine is saying that the mission in Iraq "will end". See, "end" means "done", "over", "finished", "kaput", "completed", "no more to do"! Those words mean "end". "Retain" does not mean "end". No, "retain" is just a fancy "not end" is what "retain" is.

But if you're asking the most fervent supporters of the Obama administration or even the less fervent, but still supportive supporters, they will tell you that what the President said, well, that was change and change, as you may distinctly recall, is what we were promised. After all, this is what President Barry had to say about our troops in Iraq:

"Our mission will change from combat to supporting the Iraqi government...training, equipping and advising Iraqi security forces, conducting targeted counter terrorism."

See? Change! Right?.....What?.....Really?.....Wrong?? It can't be wrong! It's change! Let's just compare what President Barry just said to one of Bush's speeches about our troops in Iraq and then the change will be apparent:



George W. Bush on September 14, 2007: "As this transition in our mission takes place our troops will focus on a more limited set of tasks, including counter terrorism operations and training, equipping and supporting Iraqi forces."

President Obama on March 3, 2009: "Our mission will change from combat to supporting the Iraqi government...training, equipping and advising Iraqi security forces, conducting targeted counter terrorism."



OK, that's not change. That's the SAME!! We were promised change!! He said the word "change", but he didn't "change" anything! It's the same!!

I'm catching onto this administration. What they do is re-hash the same old jargon. (I'm tired of the word "rhetoric." Good Lord, give the mainstream media a new word, especially one with a catchy spelling like "rhetoric" and damn it all if they don't beat that word into the ground within a week. Do those folks not own a thesaurus? Even a pocket version would be fine.) They just mix up the words and they seem really fond of keeping something the same and just calling it something else. But I already know that if something has "changed" it will be "different"! But that wasn't "different!" That was the SAME!!

Let's look at a statement by the Secretary of Defense Robert Gates from March 1, 2009 when he was on Meet the Press and said, "The units that will be left there will be characterized differently. They won't be called 'combat brigades'. They'll be called 'advisory and assistance brigades.' " That's like the political-speak version of tom-AY-to / tom-AH-to. Either way you slice it, it's still the same thing.

Below is the video clip of the brilliant and witty Jon Leibowitz on one The Daily Show. It's exactly the same as I described above, so don't go expecting any "change" other than pictures and people who talk so that you can hear them. Aside from that, it's the same.

Rock on, President Barry! I'm still waiting for the change that is being distinctly remembered as having been promised to us. It'd be OK if you started with your speeches. Everyone's gotta start somewhere.

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