Terrorists And Their Attributes

I really wish I knew which publication the article below came from. I'd like to congratulate them on their hilarity. Then again, since it probably wasn't intended to be amusing, they might not appreciate that. Perhaps I'm better off not knowing. But what we have here is an infographic of sorts which tries to show all of the options for who might succeed ol' Weird Beard bin Laden.

There are seven categories which the publication is using to help compile the biographies of these heir-wannabes. We have: Who Is He? Background. Special Skill. Hiding Place. Bona Fides. Best Known For. And Trademark. Can I just start with Hiding Place? How do we know this? Why aren't we using this more to our advantage than to simply tell other people where he is? Shouldn't we BE in those places looking for these clowns instead of writing about it?

I really like the "Background" of Adam Gadahn. (I also love how in the picture of him below that he kind of looks like Weird Al.) "Loves death metal music". How does that help anyone? Are we supposed to be on the lookout for this guy at a Cannibal Corpse concert? (Yeah, I had to look up a list of death metal bands for this one. I had no clue.) Then again, the "Background" of Nasser el Wuhayshi is "Osama's personal secretary". So, I guess we look for him in the unemployment line?
Moving on to "Special Skill", I think they were kind of stretching on these. For example, Saif al Adel's "Special Skill" is "Organisation". Like filing? Keeping everyone's camels in order? Neatly folded laundry? I wonder if he has that on his resume'? If so, he should really consider beefing that sucker up. It's really not very significant if he's trying to catch a prospective employer's eye. (And the only picture that I could find of this guy looks like it was taken for his college yearbook in about 1955. Note to self: He might be a time traveler.)
Next is "Hiding Place". This is a silly category. Only three of them have a definitive country listed. Dr. Z hasn't been seen since 2001. For all we know, they could all be holed up just a hundred yards from the Pakistani military bases. Naaahhh. That'd be silly. No one could get away with hiding in some place so obvious for several years. Right? RIGHT? Oh. Right.
I really don't know what I'm supposed to take from the "Bona Fides", but I find them to be quite amusing. Ol' Anwar al Awlaki "Helped recuit would be 'underwear bomber'" Wasn't that guy pretty much incompetent? Couldn't light his Hanes on fire or something? Is his recruitment of such a major failure supposed to be a plus? It doesn't sound like he's a very good talent scout if you're asking me. And Saif el Adel's "Bona Fide" is "Spent nine years under house arrest in Tehran." Wow! So, he's pretty trustworthy. ("Hey, you. Saif. Stay here." "OK.") The fact that Adam Gadahn "Beat up his mosque's chairman" should really go to show how twisted the minds of these folks really are. Religion of peace, perhaps. But they're not practicing THAT religion of peace when they engage in all of their terrorist-y shenanigans.

And the "Best Known For" category cracks me up. Some are impressive, like "1998 US Embassy bombings in Africa" and "Attempt to assassinate Muammar Gaddafi". Those are some stellar terrorist credentials. Anyone who was hiring for that sort of a position would definitely benefit from bringing those folks on board. But come on, Adam! Is he really best known for "Introducing Osama to the mortgage crisis"?! I don't even think that I really know what that means. What'd he do? Hand him a copy of the Wall Street Journal? Did he tell Osama to buy at the peak of the market and then he had to explain to him why his hut was upside down in the mortgage all of a sudden? More importantly, did Osama even care about the mortgage crisis? And if so, why? Not that any of it matters. It's still an extremely weak "Best Known For" if you're asking me.And finally, we're down to their "Trademark". They're all comical. We have Dr. Z and his "Yellow glasses". (I will say that if they're referring to those really big sunglasses that are bigger than your entire head, then they definitely have my attention. Now THAT would be a trademark!) Saif al Adel has "Chin fuzz". He's 51! Can't grow a beard, eh, dude? I guess that would explain the desire to kill Americans. Our men can grow facial hair! Abu Yahya al Libi has his "Florid public statements". That's it? Hell, I have florid public statements. Big whoop. Nasser al Wuhayshi is a "Small fry; under 152 cm". Stupid metric system. Let's see...divide...carry the one...he's 59.8 inches. Just a little under five feet tall. So he clearly has Short Man's Syndrome. And Adam Gadahn? Well, he's the grandson of a Jewish urologist. I don't know how that is supposed to help us at all.

Actually, I don't know how any of this is supposed to help us at all. If these are the choices to replace Osama bin Laden as the Grand Poobah of the sand land terrorists, I'm not that worried. Then again, I wasn't all that worried when Weird Beard was in charge, either.

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Long Live The Newspaper

Are newspapers still in trouble? I think that they are, but I haven't heard much about it lately. I have noticed that newspapers are kind of becoming a little more Internet-y, though. I guess it's their way of trying to keep up. I can't say I don't appreciate their effort, but we have the Internet for that sort of stuff.

Here's a correction that the New York Times felt the need to make note of. I really don't know that any of us would have noticed the error, nor given a fat rat's ass about it. But for those of you who are really sticklers for things like the origin of the name "Orcrist the Goblin Cleaver" (which was apparently what some Mets pitcher named one of his bats), then this correction is for you.

Coming to us courtesy of the Salt Lake Tribune (and my dear friend Julie on Facebook), we have a little blurb about a woman who used to be a stripper, but now does "Pole Dancing For Jesus". I'm pretty sure that she was dancing for Jesus when she was a stripper, but at that time, it was pronounced "Hay-Seuss".

In need for an invisible man? That's right. An invisible man. According to the newspaper announcement/advertisement/crackpot below, one is for hire. And yes, you bet your ass that I have emailed him and inquired as to his location, his rates and his sanity. I'm waiting to hear back. Feel free to send him your own email with your own requests. We can compare quotes.

Today I learned that the Yiddish language Ultra-Orthodox daily newspaper called Der Tzitung felt that their policy of keeping photos of women out of their publication (for fear of sexually exciting Hasidic men, of course) took precedence over the presence of Hillary Clinton in the photo. So they got rid of her. Personally, I think that our way of getting rid of bin Laden was much more impressive than their way of getting rid of Hillary Clinton. I also think that our getting rid of bin Laden was much more necessary than erasing Hillary Clinton from a historic moment. Ok, then.

The picture below isn't from a newspaper, but it's in black and white and I'm trying to extend the length of this post, so it's being included. From 1982, an advertisement for a 10MB hard disk drive for the extremely outlandish price of $3,495 (which I believe was also the MSRP for the Yugo when it came out).

And finally, not because it has anything to do with newspapers, but just because it's been bugging me and I'm hoping that I will be able to find some answers. If anyone knows who the shirt below is made by, I'd really appreciate it if you could let me know. Thanks.

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Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day!

My mom (and my dad) adopted me when I was around 24-28 days old. I guess mine was a typical story back then. Unwed woman gets knocked up by her boyfriend and flees the scene of the crime in Illinois to come to California and have me in total secrecy so that she can return to her old life like nothing happened. Whatever. These things happen. All I know is that when they called up my mom (who had been on the waiting list to adopt a child for quite some time) and said that they had a kid there and did she want it, she did.

Apparently, there were no questions asked. Next thing my mom knew, she had a kid. And even when I could not have been any more difficult than I was, she stuck it out. And it was all voluntary. I know that being a mother is usually voluntary. (Well, maybe not usually any more. But I can't think about that right now. I'm trying to be positive. Thinking about all of the underaged, knocked-up, hussies out there is just going to depress me.) But when you can't have your own kids and you go out looking for one and you just take the first one that someone throws at you? That's pretty voluntary. That's also pretty insane.

I don't have any kids. It's just not my thing. But it was my mom's thing. She wanted to be a mom. And for the last 40-something years, she has been. And I could not be happier with how things turned out. I would have posted this sooner, but I spent the day doing things for my mom. Currently, she's noshing down on a fabulous dinner. And I couldn't be happier that she's my mom. I love her. And for some reason, she loves me. I don't even care why. I'm just glad that she does.

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I Understand

I'm certainly not saying that people should WANT to kill us. I'm merely saying that I think I understand. It's like what Chris Rock says about OJ Simpson. "So you gotta think about OJ's situation: $25,000 a month, another man drivin' his car, f***in' his wife, in a house he's still payin' a mortgage on. Now, I'm not sayin' he should have killed her...but I understand." So, when I hear the evil doers rant about how much they hate the United States, how we are the infidels, how they want to kill Americans....and then see websites like the one called Who is Osama?...I understand.
Basically, it's a Tumblr site with screen caps of tweets that folks have twat after our troops shot Osama bin Laden in the eyes and sent him to live in a pineapple under the sea. (Credit to Jon Stewart for the basis of that joke.) And the number of people who had NO CLUE as to who this a-hole was simply amazed me. And since my Photoshopp-y computer is still out of commission, I'll just copy and paste some text to give you a small sample of what kind of pinheads are out there. (Don't freak out about the lack of capitalization or punctuation. That's how these twits communicate. We are so doomed.) Try not to be afraid. Just build that wall around your house higher and higher.

"who is osama bin laden that everyone seems to be going on about?!" That one actually got a reply. Unfortunately, it was: "was just about to tweet exactly the same question! i have no idea. :L x" I don't know what that emoticon is. I don't want to know. Please don't tell me.

"Im being really stupid here, who is Osama Bin Laden? Should i know who he is?" That was also responded to. Someone replied: "i dont hAve a clue!:Lxx" I don't know why only the A is capitalized. I don't want to know. Please don't tell me.

"Wait who is osama bin laden again? I thought he got hung like 4 years ago? Considering i do geography i should reeeally know this kinda thing". Yes. Considering you "do geography" you really should know this kinda thing.

See what I mean? I'm not saying I agree with the terrorists, but sometimes, just sometimes, I understand.

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The Ruler We Fear

I hope that the site that I'm going to be referencing hasn't been fixed by the time that this posts. Apparently, a woman named Jane Corwin is running for Congress. Judging from the current appearance of her website, I'd say that she needs to hire better IT staff. If it hasn't been fixed, I'm sure that you'll find it as hilarious as I do. If it has been fixed, I only wish that the power supply on my main computer hadn't blown up and that I wasn't on a different computer. If I had my regular computer, I'd cut and paste and do all sorts of little Photoshop things here. You know, like I tend to do. But for now, I'm just going to have to part with words of wisdom: Get your domain names locked down. Especially if you're running for Congress. Especially if you're running for Congress.

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Why Women Cook And Men Barbeque

About a week or so ago, I posted a picture of the cover of the game of Battleship. It was clearly the original cover version, as it had the dad and the son playing Battleship at the table while the mom and the daughter happily did dishes in the background. Naturally, that image resulted in a couple of very unfortunate comments (Scott and Mark) about women and kitchens and sandwiches. And since I really have a soft spot for both of those guys, this is for them. Enjoy!

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Idiocy In The Wake Of Victory

Things like the killing of Osama Bin Laden always result in good things and bad things. Good things would be stuff like Jon Stewart said. "...we shot him in the eyes and now he lives in a pineapple under the sea." Bad things would be the drivel that some NFL player named Rashard Mendenhall had to say.

Mendenhall plays for the Steelers. After the death of Weird Beard was announced, Mendenhall did what so many celebritards feel compelled to do these days...he took to Twitter to tweet. And what did he twat, you ask? He twat: "What kind of person celebrates death? It's amazing how people can HATE a man they have never even heard speak. We've only heard one side..." Wait. What now?

I heard him speak plenty of times! Whenever he would release one of those poorly made videotapes in which the subject was "Death to America" and "Death to the infidels". I did hear him speak. I heard him speak of killing Americans. And I don't know that when someone says that they want to kill us that I need to hear "the other side". Besides, isn't HE the other side? When 3,000 people are killed, I don't think I need another side.

But his tweeting didn't stop there! Why would you think that it would! Why would you think that he would stop such ridiculous ramblings right there? Someone who thinks that is likely someone with a lot more to say. And he didn't disappoint. He followed his initial insanity up with: "We'll never know what really happened. I just have a hard time believing a plane could take a skyscraper down demolition style." Oh, God.

So, he's one of those. And by "those" I mean "morons". I know the NFL is trying to be more vigilant with following up with players with concussions. Perhaps they might want to start with this guy. Give him a good and thorough CAT scan. Maybe an MRI just to be on the safe side. Oh, and show him some footage of September 11, 2001. That might help him understand how a plane could take a skyscraper down. Demolition style.

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A Dead Terrorist Meets Photoshop

Ah, Photoshop. Is there nothing you can't do? With your abilities and the creative wit and talent of the Internets, it really adds an extra element after the assassination of the most hunted man in the world. Let's review.

I'm sure that a bunch of lefties think that this picture is just great and that it's a smack in W's face. Me, I'm just glad that ol' Weird Beard is dead. I don't care who did it. But that doesn't mean that I don't find the image below a bit amusing. Because I do. A bit.

The question now is whether or not people will continue to mix up their names?

You knew that there'd be something referencing that buffoon, Donald Trump. Could he look like any more of a jackass at this point? (Only if he continues to press stupid, stupid issues about Obama's qualifications. Or just open his mouth to speak in general.)

What I didn't expect was a Michael Scott reference.

And you know that this is going to be remembered in North Korea just a little bit differently than in the rest of the world.

And even though every news anchor was thinking the thought below, some of them still couldn't get it right.

And while this started out about Photoshopped images, I must sadly mention a couple of fairly amusing but NON-Photoshopped instances that occurred on Sunday. Whoever was responsible for changing the headlines at Fox News should be fired. Who the hell is Usama Bin Landen and what in the hell is 'Confrims'?

And after someone is done firing that idiot, can they fire the announcer below who reported: "President Obama speaking from the East Room of the White House, telling the nation and the world President Obama is in fact dead." Seriously? I'm pretty sure in fact that President Barry is NOT dead. I can understand the Obama/Osama slip up. But the words "President Obama" sounds absolutely nothing like "Osama Bin Laden". Not even close. How do you make that mistake?

And with so much excitement this past weekend, I shall remember all of it with a single image.

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Gotcha!

Well. I had no idea that I would be writing about this today. And I must say, it has been a very welcomed surprise. Ding-dong, bin Laden is dead.

When I heard that President Barry was going to address the nation tonight, I was really hoping that it was going to be about aliens. But the way that it turned out ended up being at least one hundred times better. Turns out that ol' Weird Beard was holed up in a walled-off compound (that I cannot wait to hear more about and perhaps model my own after) in someplace called Abbottabad which is in Pakistan. And since we're fighting wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, it totally makes sense that he's in Pakistan, right? Don't answer that. The point is that he's dead. And it's about freaking time.

And look, while I complain and bitch about a lot of things here, it doesn't change the fact that I'm pretty proud to be an American. And it's on days like this that I'm really proud. And while I'll be in a celebratory mood tonight (I'm writing this on Sunday), tomorrow I'm going to start looking for signs that this is the beginning of the end of us at war in other countries,. Oh, and I'll also be waiting to see the death certificate.

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Trumping Trump

Last night was the White House Correspondents Dinner. I would love to attend that wingding one day (and not just because the super cute Seth Myers is usually in attendance), but I had thought it was just for journalists and the media. I apparently thought wrong. Very wrong. There's hope for me yet. I saw Paula Abdul there, for cryin' out loud. And my arch nemesis Morgan Fairchild was even in the audience. (Yes, there's a story behind that one. You can email me if you must have the sordid details of why I will likely hold a lifelong grudge against Ms. Fairchild.) So I don't see why I can't go.

Below are the two halves of Seth Meyers humorous speech. Yes, I realize that it's long, but I find Seth Meyers to be intellectually amusing, so it doesn't seem quite as long. Regardless, if you're just interested in the good stuff, skip the first one and catch the second one. I think it's right after the first two minutes that he starts in on Donald Trump. And while his Trump jokes might not have been that great, Trump's reaction to them is that great. He sits there stonefaced and doesn't even crack a wisp of a smile. Welcome to the public world of politics, Donald. People don't care how rich you are or how great you think you are. You're going to get made fun of. I mean, with that hair along, how could you not?

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