Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Terrorists And Their Attributes

I really wish I knew which publication the article below came from. I'd like to congratulate them on their hilarity. Then again, since it probably wasn't intended to be amusing, they might not appreciate that. Perhaps I'm better off not knowing. But what we have here is an infographic of sorts which tries to show all of the options for who might succeed ol' Weird Beard bin Laden.

There are seven categories which the publication is using to help compile the biographies of these heir-wannabes. We have: Who Is He? Background. Special Skill. Hiding Place. Bona Fides. Best Known For. And Trademark. Can I just start with Hiding Place? How do we know this? Why aren't we using this more to our advantage than to simply tell other people where he is? Shouldn't we BE in those places looking for these clowns instead of writing about it?

I really like the "Background" of Adam Gadahn. (I also love how in the picture of him below that he kind of looks like Weird Al.) "Loves death metal music". How does that help anyone? Are we supposed to be on the lookout for this guy at a Cannibal Corpse concert? (Yeah, I had to look up a list of death metal bands for this one. I had no clue.) Then again, the "Background" of Nasser el Wuhayshi is "Osama's personal secretary". So, I guess we look for him in the unemployment line?
Moving on to "Special Skill", I think they were kind of stretching on these. For example, Saif al Adel's "Special Skill" is "Organisation". Like filing? Keeping everyone's camels in order? Neatly folded laundry? I wonder if he has that on his resume'? If so, he should really consider beefing that sucker up. It's really not very significant if he's trying to catch a prospective employer's eye. (And the only picture that I could find of this guy looks like it was taken for his college yearbook in about 1955. Note to self: He might be a time traveler.)
Next is "Hiding Place". This is a silly category. Only three of them have a definitive country listed. Dr. Z hasn't been seen since 2001. For all we know, they could all be holed up just a hundred yards from the Pakistani military bases. Naaahhh. That'd be silly. No one could get away with hiding in some place so obvious for several years. Right? RIGHT? Oh. Right.
I really don't know what I'm supposed to take from the "Bona Fides", but I find them to be quite amusing. Ol' Anwar al Awlaki "Helped recuit would be 'underwear bomber'" Wasn't that guy pretty much incompetent? Couldn't light his Hanes on fire or something? Is his recruitment of such a major failure supposed to be a plus? It doesn't sound like he's a very good talent scout if you're asking me. And Saif el Adel's "Bona Fide" is "Spent nine years under house arrest in Tehran." Wow! So, he's pretty trustworthy. ("Hey, you. Saif. Stay here." "OK.") The fact that Adam Gadahn "Beat up his mosque's chairman" should really go to show how twisted the minds of these folks really are. Religion of peace, perhaps. But they're not practicing THAT religion of peace when they engage in all of their terrorist-y shenanigans.

And the "Best Known For" category cracks me up. Some are impressive, like "1998 US Embassy bombings in Africa" and "Attempt to assassinate Muammar Gaddafi". Those are some stellar terrorist credentials. Anyone who was hiring for that sort of a position would definitely benefit from bringing those folks on board. But come on, Adam! Is he really best known for "Introducing Osama to the mortgage crisis"?! I don't even think that I really know what that means. What'd he do? Hand him a copy of the Wall Street Journal? Did he tell Osama to buy at the peak of the market and then he had to explain to him why his hut was upside down in the mortgage all of a sudden? More importantly, did Osama even care about the mortgage crisis? And if so, why? Not that any of it matters. It's still an extremely weak "Best Known For" if you're asking me.And finally, we're down to their "Trademark". They're all comical. We have Dr. Z and his "Yellow glasses". (I will say that if they're referring to those really big sunglasses that are bigger than your entire head, then they definitely have my attention. Now THAT would be a trademark!) Saif al Adel has "Chin fuzz". He's 51! Can't grow a beard, eh, dude? I guess that would explain the desire to kill Americans. Our men can grow facial hair! Abu Yahya al Libi has his "Florid public statements". That's it? Hell, I have florid public statements. Big whoop. Nasser al Wuhayshi is a "Small fry; under 152 cm". Stupid metric system. Let's see...divide...carry the one...he's 59.8 inches. Just a little under five feet tall. So he clearly has Short Man's Syndrome. And Adam Gadahn? Well, he's the grandson of a Jewish urologist. I don't know how that is supposed to help us at all.

Actually, I don't know how any of this is supposed to help us at all. If these are the choices to replace Osama bin Laden as the Grand Poobah of the sand land terrorists, I'm not that worried. Then again, I wasn't all that worried when Weird Beard was in charge, either.

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Juliana said...

This is the funniest article I have ever read by you . Period. You kill me!!

Mare said...

Thanks, Jules!

~ Mare