There was a debate tonight and if you're asking me, it was incredibly boring. Definitely the most boring out of the three that they had. President Barry wasn't in some sort of Ambien-induced stupor as he appeared to be in the first debate. And both of them had to be sitting down for this one, so they didn't have the opportunity to circle each other and stare each other down like they were a lion about to pounce on its prey like we saw in the second one. No, they just sat there at a table with octogenarian Bob Schieffer, probably because he couldn't stand up for the entire ninety minutes. But here's why foreign policy debates are pretty much useless.
First of all, the President has a ton of information that no one else has. He knows what's going on in parts of the world that regular people, including the Mittster, do not. And it's supposed to be that way. Remember last year when President Barry was yukking it up at the Correspondents' Dinner when they were making fun of him because Osama Bin Laden was still ooching around in a cave somewhere and, ten years later, we still couldn't find his ass? Uh, yeah. About that. See, no one else knew that he had already given the go ahead for SEAL Team 6 to do their thing. And that's how I see these debates. He knows stuff, Mitt and everyone else does not. What are we supposed to do with that?
And second, it's all purely speculative anyway. No one knows if what they're saying is true or not. "Hey, here's how I want to handle Iran..." "Oh, yeah? Well, here's how I want to handle Iran..." Thank you and goodnight! There's no right answer as far as what to do with any of the sand lands! You know why? Because they're always going to be frenemies. They have no interest in our way of doing things and we have no interest in their way of doing things. All we want to do is make sure that no one goes getting all froggy with their nukes and that Iran doesn't blow Israel off the map. It's the age old dilemma: How can we achieve peace in the Middle East? I've got news for you. WE can't. No one can except for those players and they're just not that interested in peaceful solutions. Thus, a debate on the topic is purely speculative and are people really supposed to make an informed decision based on speculation? I certainly hope not.
I did take one thing away from this debate. And it's not anything that I didn't know beforehand. President Barry comes across as cool and Mitt comes across as tool. Seriously. Here's President Barry giving the thumbs up.
Now, granted, the whole thumbs up thing in general is rather toolish, but President Barry can pull it off. Now here's Mitt and his version of the thumbs up. Behold!
Oh, good Lord. Look, even Ann is trying to get out of the way! He looks like he's about to emit the great Howard Dean scream of 2004. That's just SO not good. I'm a little ashamed that I even brought it up. Is it November yet? Can we vote yet? I want this to be over. Now.