Friday, July 27, 2012

How Not To Yank It In Public

Fred Willard, elderly comedian and funny person, was allegedly caught yanking it in an adult theater a couple of weeks ago.  First things first. I realize that he's 78 and all, but isn't he aware that there is plenty of porn on the Internet?  And by "plenty" I mean that you could never watch the same lewd act twice and NEVER run out of porn to watch.  To say that porn on the Internet is omnipresent is a bit of an understatement.  It's everywhere.  You really can't miss it, even if you tried!  There it is!  So, could someone please get this man a laptop?  And a den?  Who goes out in public for these things anymore?  I guess enough people to warrant an entire theater dedicated to such debauchery, but that's really quite surprising.  And it seems like a lot of extra work.  I mean, you have to put on your pants to actually go there.  But once you're there, you really don't want those pants on.  But yet, you chose to be panted and to go there, even though you'd rather depant and yank it.  I don't get it. 

But here's the thing:  I guess that instead of actually pressing charges against the 78-year old funnyman, they decided that they would give him the option of enrolling in a "diversion program".  OK, what in the hell is that all about?  What goes on in that class?  I'm envisioning it something like this:  "OK, soooooo, you're in public...and you want to masturbate.  Don't.  Any questions?  Let's take the quiz.  True or false.  Only one question.  'If you are in public and want to masturbate, you should do that.'  "True."  "No, no, NO!  Jesus!  We've been over this seven times already.  Let's go over it again!  Get out your syllabus.  For the last time, if you're in public and you want to masturbate, don't.  Got that?  DON'T.  Let's try the quiz again."  Seriously, what else could it be?! 

And what's that going to be like with an entire room full of public masturbators?  What if one of them starts to the "the urge?"  What if he looks at another guy and goes, "Hey....are know....kinda feelin' like..."  And the other guy goes, "Yeah!  Me too!"  Next thing you know, the entire class is unzipping and the instructor is yelling, "No, no, NO!  See, THIS is the PROBLEM!  You're IN public!  You CAN'T masturbate!  Zip up and  grab your syllabus.  And that is NOT a euphemism!" 

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