All Michael, All The Time

I suppose that if I don't do a Michael Jackson post that there's something wrong with me. Well, something else wrong with me. But strange ranger Michael Jackson died today at the age of lonely, sad and really odd. Soooooo....no shows in London I guess, eh? Yeah, probably not. Gotta tell you, I feel a little cheated by that. (Then again, if anyone should be 'feeling cheated' upon hearing this news, I'm thinking that's going to land with Farrah Fawcett. What are the odds?! Talk about someone stealing your thunder. Geez.) But I was so looking forward to what was guaranteed to be quite a spectacle in addition to being extremely entertaining! The elephants, the parrots, the choir of children from several equally represented races, and the snare drums players. My God, the snare drums! Naturally, the news that Jacko that died was sad, but that the great comeback concert will never materialize is quite depressing and leaves a feel of unfinished business in the air.

The cable channels, news and otherwise, are really going to go wall to wall with coverage for God only knows how long. And I'm sure that they will, no doubt, out-do themselves and make it abundantly clear how much they just suck at what they do. CNN had a graphic banner at the bottom of the screen that read "Breaking News: Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett Dead." It reads as if they happened together (in what really would have been such a strange situation I can't even imagine a set of circumstances that would have allowed it to occur), as if random celebrities are just dropping dead and those two were the latest.

Say, when was it, exactly, that any comment from any individual is relevant when discussing an event of this magnitude? Seriously. I don't care what some 20-year old chick outside of the Apollo Theater has to say about her memories of Michael Jackson that date back, at the latest, to 1989! If you're CNN and you're going to be interviewing someone or asking for their reaction, could you please make it relevant so that I don't want to shoot myself before the moron on the street is done talking?

The simple fact is that CNN should not be allowed to call themselves CNN anymore without some sort of a disclaimer that precedes those call letters. Perhaps James Earl Jones could do the voice again and say something like "This is the Crap Now Network - CNN". CNN actually went with this lead in: "We go to Richard Roth, our UN correspondent, he is live outside the Apollo Theater." What the hell?! First of all, I think you just need to drop the whole "UN correspondent" title when you've just been sent on assignment to shove a microphone in people's faces to ask how they feel about Michael Jackson dying. Especially if you're not even at the UN!! But then it got worse! The guy starts off by saying he was outside of the Apollo Theater in Harlem where Michael Jackson had performed before and that he "...was here in 2002 for a Democratic Party fundraiser and walked the streets of Harlem." Oh, for cryin' out loud! "Walked the streets of Harlem?!" Was he Mother Teresa then? Geez. There is NO shame over there at CNN. (Don't believe me? Mr. Roth there interviewed a woman who felt a "personal connection" to Jacko because her "grandmother's cousin's nephew was a bodyguard for Jackson." Aaaannnnddddd...scene!)

Larry King also had Kenny Rogers on the phone and King took the opportunity to ask some of the most asinine questions I think I've ever heard someone as seasoned as Larry King ask.

"You're a country artist. How did you view him artistically?"

"His talent, how would you describe it? Was he a great singer?" ::: blink ::: ::: blink ::: Did Larry King have a stroke just then? Was he a great singer?! Sir, we're talking about Michael Jackson! YES, he was a great singer!

The best part of the Larry King coverage? Learning that Kenny Rogers used to play tennis with Farrah Fawcett. Again, one of those situations where I just can't imagine the circumstances that allow it to occur, but apparently it did somehow. Interesting. Trivial, but interesting.

Now don't get me wrong here, because it's not like I don't want to hear people share their memories of Michael Jackson. That would be fascinating....as long as they have some memories of Michael Jackson that are fascinating. I want personal accounts. I want stories and memories of people that knew him. I can do without every single person saying that they 'grew up on his music' or 'loved his music' or any kind of crap like that. Cher told Larry King a great story about how Jacko loved the beaded socks that she was wearing one night. (All right, it loses a bit in my translation, but it was really nice!) That being said, I can do without the ridiculous celebrity Twitters that the online media is subjecting unsuspecting readers (such as myself) to.

Do I care what Ashton Kutcher has to say about the passing of Michael Jackson? I don't! But for some reason, plenty of media outlets think that I do! They think there is some significance that Ashton Kutcher Twittered: "I plea to the public to refuse to consume media that does not respect the anonymity of Michael's children." Why does that man think that everyone is interested in what he has to say and that he has some sort of magical sway over the masses? I don't get it. But it has to be the same reasoning that caused those same outlets to give me Jane Fonda's Twitter take on it: "I am stunned. My friend, Michael Jackson is dead. He lived with me for a week on "Golden Pond" set after "Thriller"." What?

I know you want more! More celebrity Twitters from celebrities that you don't give a fat rat's ass about what their opinion on Michael Jackson's death (just to name one thing that your don't want their opinion on)! I've got 'em! I do! Behold!

Alyssa Milano: Remember the first time you saw him moonwalk? RIP Michael Jackson. (Oh, good! I was dying to know what one of the cast of 'Who's the Boss' thought about Michael Jackson's death. Thank God for the media! We're saved!)

Kim Kardashian: Music will never be the same

Al Yankovic (Yes! Weird AL!): Oh man. Can't believe it. RIP Michael Jackson.

Katy Perry: Oh my God. (Succinct. I like that. I don't care about Katy Perry, but I like succinct.)

Sarah Silverman: Did you hear Michael Jackson's kids are free? That's not nice. I'm sorry. Ugh, I feel bad for saying that. LOOK A BLUE CAR! (Well, at least she didn't hold back.)

Miley Cyrus: michael jackson was my inspiration. love and blessings (Oh, my God!! YOUR inspiration was Michael Jackson?! Since WHEN? Talk about hopping on the bandwagon. That's awfully pathetic of you. Inspiration? Spare me.)

I had a conversation with, of all people, my brother about Jacko. He was asking the question of what, if any, other celebrity's death was going to be as "huge" as this one. Both of us came up with Elvis. I thought about John Lennon, but decided that wasn't quite at this magnitude. Then we expanded the question to redefine "celebrity" as just "well known". My brother said maybe the Pope and I thought perhaps JFK. But later, I think he hit on it (to no greater surprise to anyone other than myself! Trust me, he's not exactly the parallel making, deep thinking, conversationalist type. To say the least.) when he sent me a text that read "Princess Diana". This story could absolutely have that sort of reach. Jacko seems to be huge in Europe and the UK. (I'm only basing that on his upcoming concerts that sold over a million tickets in ten minutes. That's all.) I'd like to know how those folks are reacting to this. After all, Germany is a country where David Hasselhoff is the greatest thing since sliced bread, so who knows what's going to happen when they find out Michael Jackson has died.

I don't know how something like the reach of a celebrity death would be measured or compared, but that was good. I just hope I don't have to try to figure it out by watching cable news. In the end, Michael Jackson was definitely a strange ranger who, despite the multitude of problems and odd-ness that he had, was still adored and loved and probably respected by at least a gazillion people. And all of that is despite the usually unsaid label of 'pedophile' that accompanied him over the past ten or so years. Don't expect cable news to delve into why that is or ask someone standing outside of a Burger King why it is. (You know...Burger King. He was the King of Pop! Those are the sort of connections that cable news makes covering stories like this. That's why we're doomed.) But if you ask me, I think it's probably because, as strange as he was and as bizarre as he behaved, people understood why he was as messed up as he was. People understood that being a mega celebrity when you're a small child can really mess a person up. People understood that he had all the money anyone could ever need, but it couldn't buy him a real adult friend. And I'm not excusing all of the alleged pedophiling, nor am I saying that any of it is an excuse for all of the alleged pedophiling. All I'm saying is (and you certainly wouldn't know it judging from everyone swooning over Jon & Kate lately) that people understand that having your life on display for the entire world to watch and judge is going to do some funny things to some people. And while people might not have understood him as a person, I think that they understood enough that they could kind of forgive him for any untoward alleged acts involving underage children and that one ungloved hand of his.

The next time that we have to do a celebrity death times three, can the three be CNN reporters? MSNBC? Ah, just throw all of the names from cable news into a hat (and toss Brian Williams and Katie Couric in there just for kicks) and we'll draw our trio out when we're all good and recovered from the current three. Ed, Farrah, Michael....thanks for everything.

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The Case of the Criminal Half-fro

I don't know if this goes into the category of "Dumbest Criminals" or "Best Mugshot Ever". There might need to be a new category created. Perhaps something along the lines of "Best Mugshots of the Dumbest Criminals." Or should that be "Worst Mugshots of the Dumbest Criminals"? Whatever it's called, right now, it has one inductee. Marcus T. Bailey, come on down! Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? And what happened?! So, SO many questions. (Oh, crap! This isn't some new trend I haven't heard about yet, is it? Like the damned sagging pants thing? Please tell me that I'm not going to have to stare at that whenever I leave my walled off compound and venture out into public. Because if it is, that's just going to reinforce all of my reasons for having the walled off compound.) Fortunately, there are answers to all of them. Meet Marcus T. Bailey. a 25-year old Evanston, Indiana man who is quite dedicated to running his own business. Now, his business is selling crack cocaine, but he seems very dedicated to the craft.

It would seem that Mr. Bailey had gone to a barbershop on the south side of Evansville to have (wait for it) his hair braided. I guess that when you're Mister Big Time Crack Dealer, you can afford to have a south side barbershop worker braid your hair for you. I'll admit to not knowing a whole lot about this kind of hair braiding, but I know even less about barbershops on the south side of towns in Indiana. Since when did barbers get into the hair braiding business? Is this new?

New or not, he was there and it would seem that the process had just begun when a couple of his clients arrived and needed to hold an impromptu meeting in the boardroom. That being in a car out in front of the barbershop. Being as how I'm unfamiliar with Indiana, I had this need to know exactly how stupid of a move this was, holding your business meetings in front of a barbershop. Stupid, yes. But how stupid was my question. Thanks to those Google Boys and all of their maps, I have concluded that it was very stupid. Behold! Said barbershop.

Yeah, there's not a whole lot around there that leaves any room for obstructing the vision of anyone who may or may not be intentionally watching what's going on. (Hey, Indiana! How about some trees?) And when you're hanging out in a car with a couple of other folks, it's pretty easy for the cops to see what's going on. And they're going to be paying attention to what's going on when they are actively seeking you out because you had a warrant for your arrest for some sort of parole violation. You know, the parole that you were on from the last time that you went to prison for dealing drugs. It was similar to those other times that you went to prison for things like being convicted of "...cocaine possession, carrying a handgun without a license, criminal recklessness and resisting law enforcement." Yeah, it was just like that. What a maroon.

Bailey's customers, a one Demorrio Lawrence and a one Tamarra Blue, had been told that he'd be at the barbershop and if they needed some crack, that's where to find him! Wow, he's a really good business man. Always keeping the clients well informed about the day-to-day operations. That boy's going to go far. Far, far away! (Why would you name your kid Tamarra Blue? Were you hoping that one day she'd fulfill that destiny of being either a stripper or a hooker? Because that's who would have a name like Tamarra Blue - strippers and hookers.).

Clearly, when Mr. Bailey stepped outside and into his "office" to conduct business, he had not yet finished his prior business, that being all the braiding of all of the hair. It's when he was outside an in his "office" with his clients that "Law enforcement arrived on scene at this time and placed Bailey into custody prior to the completion of the transaction." That according to the folks over there at the Evansville Courier & Press. I know it only looks like it's about a quarter of the way finished, but I'm still going to call that look the "half-fro". It's catchy. I think it'll stick.

But get this: After all of the arresting goes down, those two "...were cited for possession of narcotics paraphernalia and released" while our hero there gets arrested and charged with a class A felony count of dealing cocaine. I guess I was thinking that they would all get arrested, but that's not the case. Do you want to know why? It's because "...Blue and Lawrence had physical signs of being crack-cocaine addicts, suggesting they were buying the drug. Bailey did not have any such physical signs." That according to the affidavit. Wait. What?! They were cited but not arrested because they were crack addicts? How does THAT work? That makes little to NO sense to me. (Don't tell me it's because of 'jail overcrowding'. They're in Indiana!) I'm finding the not getting arrested because you're a drug addict part of this story a bit troubling. It doesn't seem like there'd be a huge incentive to NOT be a drug addict or, at the very least, to NOT get caught. Maybe they're just trying to deter people from moving up from user to dealer or something. I don't know, but I'm thinking a few hours in jail can't hurt!

Oh, and just in case you were wondering about Mr. Bailey's duo of customers, I found Ms. Blue's MySpace page and with neither permission nor malice, borrowed these photos to use as a visual aid. Also, you can see how close she looks to what you were picturing her to look like in your head. Ready? A crack customer! Behold!

How'd you do? Of course you did! I had faith. This one wasn't too hard to noodle through and come up with a mental image.

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Head On, Head Off

So many things popped into my head after reading the following over there from our friends at The Telegraph:

"A Chinese woman boiled a man's head in a soup because she believed it would cure her daughter's psychiatric problems, a local newspaper reported on Tuesday."

Uh-huh. Some woman is boiling a human head, but it's her daughter who has issues. OK, then. I believe the appropriate response would be WTF?!?!

Human head soup? That should never be on the menu! I don't care what your "psychiatric problems" are! I don't care if you're Jack the Ripper, you don't go around making head soup! EVER!! I need more information. (And I just want to say that no amount of information is going to explain this to the point where I go, "Ooohhhhh. OK! Why didn't you just say so in the first place?' No, THAT won't happen.)

It would seem that a one lunaticcrazy person resident of Sichuan, a one Lin Zongxiu, had "...heard in 2008 that soup made with a man’s head could help cure her daughter who had suffered from psychiatric problems for years." That from the Chengdu Commercial, a newspaper in....Chengdu? Sichuan? China? Can I just go with China? Look, if they needed something involving a human head, couldn't they just have gone with some of that Head-On stuff? Seems pretty simple. It's basically Chap Stick that you rub on your forehead. What say you guys try that first before you go off with your noggin chowder, eh? What's that? Too late? Ooh. Unfortunate.

Wait a minute. You heard where that a soup made with the head of a human would cure the crazies of your daughter? Where did you hear that? One of your Cannibalism Anonymous meetings? The ol' C.A.? Did you read it? I can't imagine you did, as I'm unaware of a publication such as Hannibal Lecter Weekly or something of that nature. But hey, what say you go with some Prozac or something before you go with the human head remedy? Just humor us. Try it!

So, back in December, the adventurous chef Lin and her crazy-enough-to-stick-around husband managed to find a guy who basically acted as their hit man. Too bad it was like a hit man in a really low budget movie. Nothing fancy to this caper here. The guy saw a 76-year old drunk dude wandering by one day and just knocked him unconscious. I'm guessing it's unlikely that he regained consciousness "before (they) behead(ed) him". Just one more reason why you should always call a cab when you're drunk and needing to get home.

After that it was just a matter of doing all of the cooking. The Telegraph reports that "The couple then gave their 25-year-old daughter soup made from the man’s head, and duck." Right. "And duck". Of course. Head soup flavored with duck. Because, you know, without the duck, well, that would just be gross. And incredibly weird. ::: blink ::: ::: blink :::

What in the hell is wrong with people?

But here's where the entire thing just completely falls off the rails. The hit man guy was sentenced to death on Monday by a local court. The article reads that he was sentenced to death "with a two-year reprieve." What that means is "...that his sentence will likely be commuted to life in prison as long as he commits no further offences in the next two years." Commits no further offenses? Isn't he going to be in jail? How does that work? Oh, wait. Never mind. This is China. A country where at least two of its residents feed human head soup to their daughter who they deem to be unstable. Yeah, it's probably not a good idea spending a whole lot of time trying to make sense out of this one.

For some really odd reason, they don't even say what the sentence was for the mother who "...was convicted of helping to destroy evidence that included the culprit’s bloody clothes and shoes." I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that some of the other evidence that she helped to destroy was the guys headless body?! Just a guess.

They also don't tell us how the soup turned out! Did the daughter eat it? Was she cured of her "psychiatric ailments"? What does human head soup look like? I mean, is it a broth? A chowder? I'm assuming that you need a really big pot for something like that. A cauldron would probably me most appropriate. And they wouldn't actually be able to put the entire head IN someone's bowl because, well, that would be silly. You'd have to have a really big bowl. This also doesn't sound like a recipe that you can try out at dinner parties. Everyone would be fighting over who got the head in their really big bowl, it would just cause problems. It's more like a dinner for one. One solitary person. Locked in a room for the rest of whatever so that they may never escape. You, lunatic, you.

By the way, any day now I fully expect to hear a press release from PETA complaining about the duck in the soup. Wait for it. Then meet me at the walled off compound.

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Today's News - Now With Chickens!

There's some stuff you just can't make up. No matter how hard you try, you'd never come up with stuff like this. Headline over there across the pond at the BBC News: One legged hen's horseback return. Wait. What now? One legged hen? OK, shouldn't 'News' have been in quotes? Unless that one-legged hen can talk, I'm thinking the term 'news' is probably used pretty liberally in the context that it was.

It seems that a hen, yes a hen, a hen was rescued from the clutches/jaws of a fox, but not before the fox could chomp off a leg. (But can you blame him? Chicken legs? Good stuff!) According to a one Mrs. Marian Nicol, it was her son who "found the injured hen lying on her back after hearing a noise where the chickens were kept. Her leg had been chewed by the fox." Hence why she was lying on her back. It's not like she could hop around and hop for help. It is a chicken. They do have their limitations and breathing and walking are about the sum total of them.

The hen, who goes by the name of Peggy for some reason, apparently used to "land on the backs of the horses and sit there", but that was before all of the leg mauling. "Since her leg was damaged she hasn't been able to jump up there, but we sometimes lift her up and she will sit there." Well, what else is she going to do? She has one leg. You just said it! One leg!

Mrs. Nicol said that her and her son "treated" Peggy and "she is making a good recovery." They don't explain what all it entailed when they "treated" her. Had the chicken not been riding on the back of a horse, I would have just assumed that the "treatment" consisted of 11 herbs and spices.

There is a video of this oddity in the animal kingdom. It's not long and it's just like what it sounds like it is. It's a chicken. On the back of a horse. And the horse is walking. Ta-DA! At one point, Mrs. Nicol is heard to say about Peggy that she's "Just as happy as a hen in, um, uh, clover?" What the heck does that mean? A hen in clover? Do hens like clover? I've spent a lot of time on farms and I do not recall seeing any clover anywhere near the hens. A hen in clover? (Well, they're clearly not four-leafed clovers, as if they had been, that chicken might still have two legs.) How about if we come up with a more appropriate metaphor? How about happy as a hen in barbeque sauce? Or happy as a hen in a casserole? Happy as a hen in a biscuit?

You can view a 30-second video of the hen atop the horse over at this link. It's nothing profound, but it is there. You wouldn't think that it would be that hard to know what it was that you're most interested in filming if you're the one with the camcorder, but it was seemingly not so obvious to whomever was doing the filming, as most of the time it's a wide shot of the horse's arse with half of a chicken on top of him. The chicken! You're supposed to focus on the chicken! The story is "Chicken Rides Horse" not "Horse's Ass Grows Chicken"! Detail! Detail!

For some reason, there's a lot of chicken news being covered by the BBC lately. There's also the story of a cockerel (which I believe is the equivalent in the United States to a rooster) named Basil who was adopted by a farmer after Basil was evicted from a Tyneside housing estate where he had taken up residence. Basil was asked to leave because he was crowing loudly in the early morning hours. (He is a rooster. They do do that.) Apparently, this rooster was a hot topic for quite some time over there. But it's good to know that people on other parts of the globe are just as idiotic as some of the folks here in the US because of course Basil ended up with his own Facebook group. (We're so doomed.)

The article says that after numerous complaints "housing officials (had) to issue the bird with a notice to quit." I'm just guessing that since it was a bird that it was unable to read the notice it had just been issued. And even if it could read it, I'm guessing he didn't care.) People even wrote letters to the Queen asking for her to intervene! It's a chicken, people! (Look, I don't know a lot about the royalty thing that goes on over there, but is that one of the official powers of the Queen? Intervention with Poultry? If so, is it just chickens or are there others birds that she can have not evicted as well? And my final question, are these royal powers of the Queen limited to only birds and if so, is it only the tasty ones?)

A one Claire Thorburn ended up taking Basil in and giving him a home on her farm in Bamburgh, Northumberland where she has 30 hens! ( Holy cow! Basil! You've hit the jackpot! ) But Basil quickly took to a hen named Bonnet and now, lo and behold (brother and sister of Flora and Fauna) they are the proud chicken parents of two baby female chicks and one baby male chick. And for some reason, folks seem to think that because Basil was able to find an uninhibited female farm bird for fornicating that it means that he is happy now and it " proves how settled he is in his new home." It does?

How unhappy can a chicken be, really? Unless it's in the middle of having its leg gnawed off by a fox. I haven't heard of a need for any sort of Poultry Prozac or anything. And maybe it is the new digs that has Basil all happy and frolicking. I think it could be more likely that it's all of the fornicating that has Basil all happy and frolicking and continuing to fornicate. He's on a farm with thirty chicks! (And rumor has it those chicks are animals!) How bad could it be? Where do I sign up? Do I have to crow in the early morning hours? Because that really won't work for me; I'm not much of a morning person.

At this link, you can watch a 20 second video of Basil's new owner saying something which I found to be completely undecipherable due to an accented accent! I was, however, able to understand her say that Basil had been sitting on the eggs for 21 days! Wow. Now that's a henpecked husband.

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Paris Hilton's Never Changing Boyfriend

So, Paris Hilton is off to Dubai to film the third season (my God) of her show My New BFF. BFF being her Best Friend Forever. I don't think that's really anything that anyone who "wins" the show can hope to actually attain, as this is (somehow) Season Three and never heard of the BFFs from Seasons One or Two. And really, how many BFFs is one supposed to have? I thought the point of a "best friend" was just that - they were "the best". If you have more than one, they can't ALL be the best, can they? Maybe her show should be alled My Latest PGFF (Pretty Good Friend Forever). Or The MFFN (The Mediocre Friend For Now). Probably the most appropriate name for her show would be "Who Are You Again?"

But perhaps her filming her newest season in Dubai will help her get her mind off of her latest failed romance, that which was once with a Doug Reinhardt.

I have no idea why they broke up. I can't imagine what the basis of the relationship was in the first place in order for there to be something to break up FROM. But if I had to speculate wildly (or even if I didn't have to), I'd guess it had something to do with the pose that he was always striking whenever they were photographed in public together.

Not only is his facial expression the same in every single photo out there of these two, his general stance is about the same also.

He's always standing in some sort of pose, as if he is just waiting for paparazzi to jump out of the bushes and start snapping pictures of the oh-so-fascinating man who never flinches when walking next to Paris Hilton.



I'm also fairly convinced that his arms are allergic to the sides of his body, as they're never touching it.

It's like he has confused every sidewalk in the world for some sort of catwalk where he models whatever it is that she dressed him in that day.


I think in the picture below he's hoping that people think he's Ben Affleck.

I think it's weird. He's the same in EVERY picture!

Which makes me wonder at all as to why they broke up. It seems that he is quite possibly just as vacuous as she is.

Seems like a perfect match. She can blather on about herself and he can feign interest (or not) and keep thinking about himself.

Maybe her next show could be her search for her next boyfriend. She seems to go through them about as often as the seasons fly by on her best friend show. And the winner not only gets to be her boyfriend until the next season starts, he also gets control of the sex tape that they'll make as one of the final tasks in the weird scheme of how the program is set up. It'd be just like her real life, except everyone else in the world would get to watch. Oh. Wait a minute. Everyone else in the world who wanted to watch BEFORE got to do that also. OK, so it's not a new concept! It's Paris Hilton, for cryin' out loud! Can't we just trick her into thinking something is new? I'm pretty sure we can.

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Oh, my DOG! See Spot Surf

Apparently it was International Surfing Day on Saturday. So this post might seem a little late, but what good was it going to do me to write about it before now when nothing had even happened yet? "Established by Surf Magazine and Surfrider Foundation, an environmental organization started by surfers that works to protect oceans, beaches and waves, it is a day for surfers to give back to the ocean." Excellent. What could possibly go wrong?

OK, maybe "wrong" isn't the correct phrasing. How about....What sort of wacky event could be held for a good cause on International Surfing Day and have it be somewhat relevant and also have photos of the event in Life Magazine? Why, how about the fourth annual Loews Coronado Bay Resort Surf-Dog Competition in Imperial Beach!! Behold!

Um, what now? Yep! The Surf-Dog Competition is an event to help raise money for Modest Needs, a non-profit organization that works to prevent poverty. Sounds like a good cause and there's nothing wrong with that. However, there might be something wrong with this. Behold!

From Sign On San Diego we learn all about these surfing dogs and it's pretty much just like what it sounds like it's like. It's dogs. On surfboards. (And they don't all look like they're on those things voluntarily now, mind you.) And they're in the ocean. And they're surfing. Well, they're standing on the surfboard looking either afraid or perplexed. And as the waves move, so does the dog on the board, so I guess that yes, technically they are surfing. But it's only surfing in the same way that I'm dancing after I've stepped on a bee in my bare feet and start jumping around. Technically, yes. Officially, probably not.

I fully concur with the character Monica from 'Friends' as one of her biggest pet peeves is "animals dressed as humans." I, too, am not a fan. And this is more than just that. This is animals dressed as humans attempting to act like humans. I really don't think I can favor having four legged furry creatures on surfboards wearing sunglasses and Bermuda shorts. I'm really not sure why anyone would! Sure, they look cute and all. But then you see them for what they are (that being dogs on surfboards) and you realize they're kind of a little bit out of their natural habitat there. And you know, I think that dogs DO know when they're in a situation that they shouldn't be in. And I KNOW that they know when they look silly. Behold!

::: sigh :::

How exactly does a dog surfing competition work, you wonder? Seemingly all competitions lately go with the three judge panel, a la American Idol, and the Surfing Dog Competition was no exception. I picture them to be similar to the American Idol judges as well. I couldn't find any pictures of them, so I'm just guessing that it's most likely that there is a laid back, black guy who (appropriately enough) always says "Dawg!", a ditzy, probably drunk, likely pilled up, female and an acerbic Brit. But all of that is pure speculation on my part. Fortunately, I don't have to speculate about what is judged because according to Sign On San Diego

"Each dog gets a chance to catch three waves.They're scored on confidence level, length of ride and overall ability to hang ten...so to say.Money raised from the competition goes to Modest Needs."

Their "confidence level?" What determines their "confidence level"?! Would it be whether or not they have enough sense to realize that it's probably not worth the little Scooby Snack that they're going to get if they stay on the board? Do you want a dog that takes risks? I'm not so sure you do. Because one day he's just surfing in the ocean and the next day you find him in the garage trying to start your car! That's only a step or two away from walking fully upright, you know that don't you? I'm guessing the dogs below didn't exactly get "10s" for their "confidence level" score.

I'm thinking that the dogs who are really scared would score very high in the "overall ability to hang ten" category. In fact, clinging to the front of that board with my paws would be the first thing I'd do after I was placed atop the floating menace. You don't tempt the sea!

And just in case you're interested in putting your own dog through the rigors of outdoor water sports, there's the tell-all book A Dog's Guide To Surfing Hanging Ten with Man’s Best Friend. In a description of the book it tells us that "...surfers believe that dogs who learn to surf develop a unique attitude, knowing they have something that sets them apart from other dogs." Well, yes! Obviously! A dog that surfs IS set (or floated) apart from other non-surfing dogs! Yes, they are! Brilliant! If the rest of the book contains equally brilliant insights, I think I'd just play it safe and not "teach" my dog how to "hang ten". (They have four legs. How come they don't hang twenty?)

And I know it's for charity and that's a good thing. Please, feel free to donate to your favorite charity at will! I'm not anti-charity! I'm just saying that if they need to raise money through the wacky antics of canines, can't they choose something a little bit closer to the dog's own realm? Skateboarding perhaps? Roller blading? Billiards? I don't know. But you have to ask yourself, do the dogs really like doing these sorts of things, or do we just think that they do because they can't tell us that they don't? (It's a dog on a surfboard for cryin' out loud! It's gotta be ruff!)

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