Google The Fine Print

I love the Google boys. I swear, I do! But the Google boys seem to have an unnatural love of fine print when it comes to their products. I am not a fan of the fine print. I am especially not a fan of the fine print when it says something that you really need to know but wouldn't otherwise assume unless you read through it all. (See, because most of the time, all of the fine print says the same crap. It says that the manufacturer of the product isn't responsible for squat after you've forked over your cash for it; it says that you can't sue them and if you want to, you'll have to settle for arbitration instead; and anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Stuff like that. Always in the fine print.) And when you consider that the Google motto is "Don't Be Evil", I find that having fine print containing necessary information that most likely will not be read by the majority of people using/purchasing a product, well, I find that evil.

Google, in it's quest for world dominance over people and all of the information that they create, use and store, is rolling out a cell phone with an operating system that they concocted. Yipee! We LOVE all things Google! That's because we think Google loves US! Maybe they do, but they might like our money and our blind trust and the willingness to follow them around like fattened veal calves a little bit more. The phone will be called the G-1 (catchy) and will use the Google developed, Linux based Android operating system and software platform. Android is open source, meaning that any nitwit who can figure out how to write apps for it can do so. (And a lot of those nitwits are really smart and come up with some cool stuff, so don't call them nitwits to their face. They know what it means and they don't like it.) And because you're going to have all of these cool apps to go with your phone, it's going to be a really good thing that the exclusive pricing plan (because of course, you can't have a cool new cell phone these days without it being exclusive to one carrier and one data provider. In this case, it's T-Mobile who we shall be cursing shortly.) that comes with it includes unlimited Internet access. Yay! Not so fast. (Not yay? No. Not yet.)

This is where the seemingly evil fine print comes into play. If you go to the G1 website and read the fine print (and you won't, but that's why I'm here) you will see that it says, "If your total data usage in any billing cycle is more than 1GB, your data throughput for the remainder of that cycle may be reduced to 50 kbps or less." Wait. If I use more than ONE GB of data in a month (You want me to do the math too? Geez. OK, fine. Let's see, 1GB per month, average 30 days...carry the 1....about 34 MB per day.) then your going to make my phone only work at a speed of 50 kbps?? (That's kilobits per second. Translation: Dial up modem speed reminiscent of 1998. Second translation: Slow as hell.) ONE?!

Yes, shout-y. One. Shall we compare that to other providers? All of them, AT&T, Verizon and Sprint allow you to at least go up to 5GB per month. Huh. That works out to be about five times more than T-Mobile and the Googlers will let you use. But even if you go over the 5GB with the other providers, they simply charge you for your usage or they ask you to think about finding another provider (translation: they cancel your contract). They do not slow your phone down to an archaic speed straight from the cellular days of yore. I have a Sprint Instinct and my data usage is unlimited and from what I can tell, it seems to mean that it's unlimited. (I just looked at my ARC (Ass Reaming Contract) and all it says about usage is that if I use more than 800 minutes, the majority of my minutes or the majority of my KB per month while roaming that they'll just terminate me. There's nothing there about turning my phone into a doorstop.)

One gigabyte is not a hell of a lot, especially when you first get a phone like the G1. You're downloading everything you can. You're using data left and right for things such as email. Porn. New apps. Porn. Web browsing. Porn. File downloading. Porn. Watching TV. Porn. Porn. Porn. Yep, lots and lots of data. According to the tech-y folks over there at the Silicon Valley Insider, "One gigabyte is about how much it takes to download the equivalent of a few albums, a decent quality movie, and a decent quality TV episode -- not much." That's just in and of itself. Include a few of the things that I just mentioned (the email, the apps and all of the porn) and it's not out of the question for you to hit that one gigabyte mark before your month is up.

OK, I hate, hate, hate crap like this. You're going to hype yourself and your fancy shmancy little phone all up and make yourself sound soooooo awesome and then, just as everyone is starting to drool when thinking about everything they'll be able to do with their G1 (not to mention how cool they'll look. Bite me, Apple.), that's when they slip in the part about the ONE measly GB per month and how they'll slow you down if you go over there. Seems a little petty. Not to mention a bit Big Brother-y. But it's also why I find myself always looking for the fine print on anything because those weasels will try and sneak stuff in when you're not looking for it.

See, if they just came out and said that they were going to be jackasses about the whole thing and didn't put it in the fine print, that would be one thing. Here's my stance on being a jackass: If you're going to be a jerk, that's your choice. I'd prefer it if you weren't a jerk to me or around me, but it's still your choice. But at least, if you're going to be a jerk, be honest about it and say you're a jerk. Don't be a jerk and then act like you're not. And don't profess to not be a jerk if you are going to be acting like one. If you're at least honest about the fact that you're a jerk, I can respect that. It's when you're claiming you're not a jerk but you sure are acting like one, that's when I start having a problem with your integrity. And when this sort of thing crops up with a company (or world dominance in this case) that I like (read: love, love, love), that just pisses me off. It's like they personally betrayed me and that's the beginning of the erosion of the level of trust that has built up between me and the now jerk-y company. Rat bastards.

Geez, Google, what's the deal? You can only spare one GB per phone per month? What? Are you afraid you're going to run out? You're freaking Google, for crying out loud! You've got people all over the globe clicking on your ads every single second of the day and it amounts to basically just printing money for you guys! Give a little! Don't start going all cheap and stingy on us because I'll tell you one thing about people in general. They're the worst. They're not all that forgiving, especially if they feel they've been misled or lied to or led down an evil, evil path.

Hopefully the powers that be over there (if it's not my beloved Google boys themselves) will either make the restrictions on usage more visible (like by not having it in the fine print) or cough up some more gigabytes per phone per month. It would seem to be the least evil thing that they could do.

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Anyone Else In There That Wants To Come Out?

Well, it's going to be a little bit roomier in the closet now that two more people just stepped out of it. I know! Two in one day! And how surprised do you think you're going to be by either of them? That's right, not at all. Actually, that might not be true. Given that, when Rosie O'Donnell publicly came out (which only reaffirmed for thousands that their gaydar was working correctly all of those years), poll numbers showed that a significant percentage of those polled said that they were "surprised" that she was gay. (Yes. Someone did a poll on the surprise factor in relation to Rosie O'Donnell's gayness. Who has these jobs? And how do I get one?) Surprised? They were surprised that Rosie O'Donnell, ROSIE O'DONNELL was gay? Really? Who are you people? I mean, I know it's crowded in the closet, but it must be just packed underneath that rock you've been living under. Wow. Surprised. Huh. Go figure.

Anyway, today not one, but two, yes two, TWO celebrities officially confirmed what those of us not under the rock (and subjected to listening to or reading about the speculation of both for way too long) what we already knew. Yep, they're gay. Well, gay enough, in one instance. Let's start with that one, shall we? I'll try to build the suspense, but it'll be hard. It's not very suspenseful.

• She's a she.
  
  
• She wasn't really rumored to be gay until recently.


• The rumors heated up after she was seen everywhere with her openly gay "friend".
  
  
• Oh, and when I say "seen everywhere" I mean "seen kissing". Same thing, right?


• She was a bit of a tart and a troublemaker before the "girlfriend" came along, but since then she's totally calmed down and hasn't been arrested once. (Just the other day I was told that sometimes the right relationship can make all the difference. Apparently that person knew what they were talking about. Good to know. Thanks for that, H.)


• Her name rhymes with Flindsay Flohan.

Stumped? I thought you might be. But the clues! So many signs! Who am I kidding? OK, so Lindsay Lohan basically admitted/confirmed/stopped lying that she was seeing DJ Samantha Ronson (who reminds me of the Superman nemesis Mr. Mxyzptlk, but only in appearance. She seems like a very nice individual.) and has been for "a very long time.". The worst kept secret in Celebrity Land came out during an episode of the radio show Loveline, that according to the gossipy folks over there at The Defamer. Loveline is hosted by a guy named Dr. Drew and his co-host Stryker. Now, I'm not sure why Stryker is hosting a radio show instead of out defending truth and justice against the forces of evil like any other superhero with a name like Stryker would be doing, but he did get Lindsay to spill it when no one else has been able to, but I guess that's superhero-y enough to have a name like Stryker, so it's all good.

Apparently, Samantha Ronson had called in to talk about her friend DJ AM, who was in a plane crash a couple of days ago that killed four out of the six people that were on the plane. (And surprisingly enough, someone named DJ AM managed to save himself.) When she was done talking with Stryker, she just passed the phone over to Lindsay and Super Stryker went to work by just casually asking, "You and Samantha have been going out for how long now? Like two years? One year? Five months? Two months?" Now, it wasn't as relentless as it might sound there, as there were moments that he paused to allow Lindsay to giggle like a teenage girl (which she is not all that far removed from. That's worth remembering when the Lindsay topic is up for discussion.) Maybe it was his secret super powers, but something about Stryker's approach prompted Lindsay to answer with, "A very long time." Woo-hoo! Nice job! Don't let that closet door hit you on the ass on the way out!

Next up for outage, a male celebrity. This one, equally as tricky as the one above. Here we go.

• He's a he.


• He's been rumored to be gay since the first day that the public became aware of his existence. (Never underestimate the power of the gaydar.
  
  
• He can sing. For real. Not just one of those who think that they can sing when they really sound like a banshee in a blender. No, this one can really sing.
  
  
• He just became a father (after his "best friend" gave birth to his offspring via artificial insemination, ie. turkey baster).

• His name rhymes with Gay Gayken.

Yep, Clay Aiken! Again, nice job! Shocking, I know. People Magazine has confirmed that Clay will be on the cover of their magazine Wednesday (today), but People would not release the article before then. I don't know if they think that they're being sly or secretive or what, but it's not like they're hiding any big secrets. After all, the cover that they've confirmed is below. (Somehow, Perez Hilton managed to get a peek at it. Nice job, Perez. I wonder what the article could be about?

So there is the big gay cover of People with Clay Aiken proclaiming "Yes, I'm Gay". Funny thing is that underneath that it does not say, "Yes, we're aware." That would be the most fitting caption to have there, no? (I mean, seriously, the only thing that would be slightly less shocking would be if I reminded everyone that Liberace was, in fact, gay.) But instead it reads "The Idol star opens up about his emotional decision to come out: "I cannot raise a child to lie or to hide things." Yeah, well, children learn how to lie and hide things on their own, whether they're raised that way or not. But I'm glad you're out, Clay. Nice job. Breathe deep. Enjoy it. Trust me, everything after you've come out will be exactly the same as it was before you came out and you thought that you were fooling everyone. See, I like to think of "news" as something that I'm being told that I don't already know. When you already know it, it's not so much "news" as it is "noise".

So the only thing that's different now, Clay, is that you know that we know. And we know that you know that we know. And believe me, if people were going to not like you because you're gay, they would have not liked you whether you had announced it or not. (That's right. Because everyone already knew. Good, I see you're catching on.) You'll be fine. I swear. And now everyone can stop talking about it and find some other closeted celebrity to speculate about.

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Now That's A Position

I realize I don't need to cite any more examples of how the media in general (but especially online) is going straight to hell as far as their ability to write a coherent summary of whatever topic that they're attempting to report on. But I'm going to anyway.

Today's example is brought to you by those over there at Yahoo! News as they attempt to write a headline that will be able to accurately describe what their article is about. Sadly, their attempts failed. Even more sad is the fact that I highly doubt that they realize this. Still. Behold!

McCain, Obama avoid same-sex marriage

Well, that's good. Both Cindy and Michelle can sleep tonight knowing that McCain and Obama won't be curled up next to each other instead of being curled up next to their wives. Seriously, headline writing 22-year old news intern guy, do you not think that sounds a little strange? Like you've just announced that John McCain and Barack Obama will not, I repeat, will not be getting married to each other? Because if you didn't think that before, I certainly hope you're thinking about it now. Because it does. It SO does.

Oh, but the absolute best quote from this article comes from a one Tom Minnery, who is the senior vice president of the ridiculously conservative Christian group Focus on the Family. He says, "We wish it were a top issue -- it seems not to be."

The best part of that is that I'm sure that guy has no idea just how amusing it sounds, when talking about gay marriage, to say that he wishes it were "a top issue". Hil-arious.

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Don't Study It! Pick It Up!

Well, fortunately or unfortunately, the US isn't the only country that wastes money on studies that are completely useless and unnecessary. I learned that after the fine folks over there across the pond at The Mail Online ran an article about the problem that England has with keeping it's streets clean and free of litter. Apparently, while the US is over here in financial turmoil waiting for the entire banking system to implode upon itself, England is thinking that they could be a little neater. Must be rough.

There was a government commissioned survey "of all 353 district councils in England" and it was performed by (get this) "the Keep Britain Tidy Campaign for the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs." Did they run out of departments over there in England and so they just had to cram as many as they could into one? Rural affairs (Not sure what that entails. Unfaithful farmers, perhaps?), food AND the environment, all regulated together in perfect harmony (and given the oh-so-catchy acronym "DEFRA"). Or something like that. Seems like an odd combination to me, but so did Paul McCartney and Heather Mills. Let's hope that the rural-food-environment combo turns out better than that three legged union did.

According to the ridiculous report (the reason for the ridiculous tag will be obvious shortly), "The report found that all councils were judged to have fly-tipping and graffiti under control." I had no idea what fly-tipping was. I assumed it was like cow-tipping, only requiring much more fine motor coordination and dexterity. I was wrong. Fly-tipping is dumping garbage where you're not supposed to. Where they got "fly-tipping" out of that is beyond me. But where ever it came from, it seems to be under control if you're asking any of the people in that survey. If you're asking people who did not participate in that survey (such as myself), you might get a different answer.

Now, here's where the necessity of such a study comes into question. The study being to find out if there is a problem with litter in England. I'm assuming they went with a study because they didn't know if there was a problem or not. Below is a photo of a street in England that accompanied the story. Remember, they weren't sure if they had a problem with litter. Behold! The situation that they couldn't figure out without a study!

OK, England, WTF? You needed a study to figure out if the scene above had a problem with litter? Yeah, that one's a stumper all right. Hmmmm....I don't know. I can see why you went the scientific route there. Who knows? Hard to tell! NO! No it's not! That street is a disaster! You people are living like barbarians! Or animals! You're living like barbaric animals! What? You people don't have Hefty bags over there? For God sakes, have a little respect for yourselves, for cryin' out loud. That's disgusting.

Now according to someone from the Local Government Association, "'This sort of survey is important to bring these issues into the public consciousness, and help councils make the streets better for local people." Oh, good! I'm glad that's the reason, because I could see how an issue such as this could get LOST in one's consciousness (as they're climbing over heaps and heaps of garbage to get to their car). Yeah, the Brits would have forgotten all about that pesky trash problem if it hadn't been for the study to bring it to their attention! Thank goodness for government!

Speaking of the government, the Environment Minister (They have a Minister of the Environment over there? Everything has to have a fancy title if it's British, doesn't it?), a one Jonathan Shaw, stated, 'It's not just down to our local authorities - everyone has a part to play in keeping our streets clean - there's much more we can all do to cut down on litter." Do ya think?! Then he added, "'I hope this information will also encourage people to think more carefully about how they treat their local environment.' Yeah, because without this information, who knows what could happen? People might never know that they are living like what? Barbaric animals, that is correct.

But it's not like they don't have ANY cracking down on those who are contributing to the refuse-like conditions of the streets in England. Oh, no, they do fine individuals who are caught doing the littering. Here are some of the examples that The Mail Online provided for us:

See, if I had seen that before I went out and started commissioning a bunch of studies, I would have probably just suggested that those in charge of all the citing and all of the fining just not be so damned concerned with trivial minutiae (as shown above) and try and find those who are dumping large quantities of trash in inappropriate places. I mean, seriously, they're going to spend their time fining 2 children, a care worker and a 24-year old dude for an ice cream stick, an apple core, a French fry and two pieces of junk mail that were IN A TRASH CAN, and in exchange, the streets will look like they do. Fabulous.

Good plan there, England. How's that working for you? Oh, right. Yeah, I forgot that you'd probably need a study to figure it out. When you get the results back, let me know how it went. I'm sure I'll be shocked at the results. Or not. Yeah, probably not. Good luck with that.

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Condom-Condom, Hello-Hello?

OK, so a little while ago I had mentioned that that some folks over there in India (the country) had decided that the best way to get the message out that "safe sex is the way to go" would be to create a downloadable ring tone that sang out "Condom, condom." I think the concept is as ridiculous now as I thought it was then. But that was "then". "Then" was also when I could not imagine that people would want their cell phone shouting out "Condom, condom!" (People don't really even want other people to shout out "Condom, condom!" Whether sex is imminent or not.) But apparently, I was wrong and 270,000 (yes, that's thousand) people have so far downloaded the prophylactic jingle that will save the world from unprotected sex. Or not.

The ring tone goes by the name "Condom a Capella". Basically, it just repeats the word "condom" over and over again in different melodies. And while there were 270,000 downloads, there were also over two million hits on the website http://www.condomcondom.org/ . So only a little more than 10% of the people that wanted to hear the ring tone actually wanted to hear it shouted at them from their phone on random occasions. It's a fair guess that a lot of those 270,000 have never had sex (but have had the opportunity to download a lot of stuff) and are hoping that this ringtone advertises that they're willing to do so and will do so all protected and with catchy ring tones in the background. The tricky part is going to be finding people who will actually want to call them.

270,000 people?! Now, I can compare that to some of the other numbers involved here to make it seem rather small. There are over 250 million people in India who use a cell phone. That's only .0011 percent of the cell phone users who decided this was a good idea and they should download it immediately. And while that is a seemingly small percentage, let's just remember for a second that they're downloading a ringtone for their cell phone that sings out "Condom, condom!" whenever it rings. ON purpose! Take that into consideration and .0011 percent starts seeming a bit high. And so do those who are downloading it.

According to a one Yvonne MacPherson, the County Director for the BBC World Service Trust in India, "Never before has a mobile ring-tone been used to communicate a social or public health message. We wanted to create a conversation piece that would get people talking and ultimately break down the taboo about condoms. We want condoms to be seen as any other health product."

Well, she's right about a ringtone never having been used to communicate a social or a health message. Unless you consider people in a social situation wanting the person whose cell phone is ringing to shut up. That is a frequent communication in a social situation. (And if you actually take the cell phone from the offender and bonk them over the head with it, voila! A communication in a health situation! One that will likely result in a communication in a penal situation. My, but the cell phone ring tone is quite a versatile communication tool, is it not?) I'm not quite sure what she means by the "taboo about condoms". What would the condom taboo be in India? I can't imagine it's any different than the taboo (that masquerades as whining) about condoms in the US. You know, the whole "They're too small" (Yeah, right!), "I can't feel anything!" (Again, yeah, right!) "There wasn't time!" (Usually said after he's done. Thirty seconds later. If that.) But I still don't see how having your cell phone sing about the condom is going to help any taboo, regardless as to what it is.

And really, while it's a novel ideal and will appeal to...well...some, apparently, I don't see it doing any good except for filling up space in witty blogs across the Internet. That's because "only about half of the at-risk population, including sex workers and men who have sex with men have access to HIV prevention measures." That according to the latest fact sheet from UNAIDS about India, a group that, based simply on their name, would seem to know a lot about stuff like this. So, if they don't even have access to HIV prevention measures, ie, condoms, what good is a "Condom, condom" ringtone going to do? Not a lot, from what I can tell. But hey, are they saying that those people have access to cell phones but not to condoms? Well, that seems a little backwards. So you can use your cell phone to call up your potential booty call, but even if you do manage to get them in the sack, you've got nothing to wrap that rascal in! Seems like this one should have been a little more thought out.

But I probably shouldn't judge (and yet I do. Frequently.). I wouldn't have thought that India would have 270,000 softheads that would want this thing blaring from their phone. I'd be interested to know if it was mostly guys or mostly girls who downloaded it. I'm guessing more guys downloaded it, but guys will do just about anything when it comes to drawing attention to the fact that they have a penis. Actually, I'd really like to sit down and have a little chat with any girl that would download this. You know, just to see what was bouncing around inside their little empty skull there. I can't imagine why a girl would want her purse to randomly burst out in a couple stanzas of "Condom, Condom!"

So the way I see it, this is either going to mean one of two things. It will either mean that people will become more aware and start using condoms more frequently (presumedly when they're having sex, not like when they're mowing the lawn or something unrelated to fornication) or they will just run the other direction whenever they hear the "Condom! Condom!" call of the wild go off. Either way, there's going to be more protected sex or just less sex overall and since both of those things would seem to be the ultimate goal of this wacky idea, I guess, by God, it freaking worked. So way to go, funny looking, prophylactic ringtone dudes. Way to go.

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All Obligations Are Not Obligatory

In case you've been living under a rock lately, Ellen DeGeneres married her girlfriend Portia deRossi in California on August 16, despite the protests of people who think that allowing same-sex marriage will lead to things that will end up ruining society. (What's next? People marrying dogs?! A sight that I, personally, would love to witness the ceremony for. Anything after that, not so much. But a person-dog wedding? THAT is entertainment at it's finest.) And those who were protesting are continuing to do so with Proposition 8.

Knowing how you would vote on Prop 8 can be confusing because 'yes' means 'no' and 'no' means 'yes'. See, Prop 8 makes it so that men and only marry women and so that women can only marry men. Prop 8 basically says that if you're gay and want to marry the one who you're being gay with, well, you can't. So if you DON'T want same-sex marriage, you vote Yes. If you DO want same-sex marriage, you vote No. See, this one could go either way, not because of the public opinion but because people get confused in that little booth sometimes (it's the only way to explain that GW is a two term President) and with the wording for Prop 8 being like it is, who knows what California will end up with? It might just turn out that you can marry your dog if it passes! Who knows?!

But here's the thing that some people feel the need to point out and make a big deal about. (Oh, exactly what the "big deal" is, I'm not sure. I think it has something to do with some people not holding up their big, gay end of the whole deal, but it's really kinda foggy.) According to IN Magazine, Ellen and Portia have not made a financial contribution to help fight Prop 8 from passing. And I guess the article is implying that because they're gay and they got married and they're celebrities that they are somehow obligated or expected to fork over a chunk of cash for this cause. You know, since they're for gay marriage and all. Um, there are many flaws with that logic, but I'll get back to that.

The article continues to cite other gay celebrities who have also not upheld their end of all of the gayness by not contributing to the fundraising efforts to fight Prop 8. "Also missing (as of Sept. 10) from the rolls were: Rosie O’Donnell, whose Feb. 27, 2004, marriage to Kelli Carpenter was nullified; Sir Elton John, who tied the civil partnership knot with partner David Furnish in England; rock star Melissa Etheridge, whose domestic partnership/wedding to actress Tammy Lynn Michaels Sept. 22, 2003, was celebrated in In Style magazine." It went on to list other names of those who are "bad gays" because they haven't made a financial donation. It lists Paul Colichman, Greg Berlanti, Marc Cherry, Bryan Singer, Joel Schumacher and Gus Van Sant as having kept their own money to themselves. Um, who are those people? I know who Schumacher and Gus are, but the other ones? Never heard of them. But congratulations on all of the gayness and on all of the money that some people think that you should give away!

And just to hammer home the point, the article states that, "So while their visibility as openly LGBT celebrities and entertainment power players is important, their financial absence from the specific fight to save the fundamental right of same-sex couples to marry is hurting." Really? Wow. They must be having a really hard time digging up cash to fight this thing and...what? How much? Over eleven million dollars? Are you sure? That's dollars? Not pesos? (Because with Mexico being so close and all and with half of their population living here anyway, it would be a mistake that I could foresee happening.) Dollars. Really? And eleven million of them? Huh. Well, then. Are you freaking kidding me?!

Look, I'm not an accountant, I don't play one on TV and I didn't even stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night, but I do know a thing or two about math and finance. Allow me to start with the most basic of the concepts here: Eleven million of anything is a lot of that thing. Eleven million dollars, contrary to what seems to be the norm these days in devaluing the value of anything of value, is a lot of dollars. How much money have the folks who are for Prop 8 raised? Sixteen million dollars? Again, NOT pesos, right? Dollars? So, five million dollars more than those against Prop 8. OK.

Again, I'll admit to knowing next to nothing about campaigning for or against something in terms of cost. But I do know that for eleven million dollars, you can do a hell of a lot and if you're saying that you can't, then you're probably right. YOU can't. But someone else CAN.

Aside from the financial logistics (which I could ramble on about for quite some time. Probably right up until all eight of you who actually read this had lost interest and vowed never to read again. That's why I'm not delving much further into that topic. You're welcome.), I need to get back to the bad gays, Ellen and Portia. Why anyone would feel that anyone else is obligated to GIVE AWAY their money to someone or something else is beyond me. And not just give it away, but give it away blindly (basically). I have very little to absolutely NO faith in almost any group doing fundraising in any sort of political arena that they will be able to efficiently regulate and spend that money in ways that will be the most productive for their cause. NO faith. None! You have no idea where they're spending the money, what it's going for, what it's already gone for. And you will get no promises as to what your money will be spent on when you fork it over (never to be seen again, mind you). But because Ellen and Portia are....? Celebrities? They're supposed to want to throw their cash into a pile for a cause that, while I'm sure they feel is worthy, may or may not use their money efficiently? I don't think they're supposed to feel like they should do that.

Ellen and Portia are celebrities who have taken a huge risk (though not as big of a risk as it was when Ellen used her TV show to come out with all of her gayness. That awesome revelation basically cost her her career for a few years.) to publicize their relationship with each other. You're going to get more publicity out of just that event in and of itself than you are with millions of more dollars. It's not all about the money. You'd think it was, but it's not. And Ellen and Portia are no more obligated to donate money toward fighting Prop 8 than any other gay individual is obligated to do so. (Morons.) And I find it bizarre that some seem to think that they are obligated.

I don't know, maybe it's because it's election time and the candidates are all fundraising at a pace normally only seen in meth freaks after they've been up for four days, but I'm pretty tired of always being asked to give my money away. And it's always as if that is what my money is for; to give away! Hey, news flash: No, it's not. And Ellen's and Portia's money isn't for them to be giving away either. And especially not just because they're gay.

And just because I don't want to give money to a bunch of fundraisers for something that I fundamentally agree with, doesn't mean that I don't care (even though sometimes, I really don't). It just means that people are expected just to blindly hand their money over, no questions asked, and feel good about it. That doesn't make me feel very good. And if I actually did it, I'd feel like a moron for doing so. Ellen and Portia don't come across as moronic. They come across as very smart, not to mention very gay and very happy together. And I'm sure that if the fundraising individuals who are sitting on that eleven million just put as much effort into stretching that money out as far as it can go instead of belittling anyone who is gay who hasn't donated yet, they'd end up being a lot more productive. Perhaps they should try it my way so we can find out.

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What's The Motto With Sweden?

You know why more people don't go to Sweden? If you're asking the Swedes (and who better to ask, really?) you'd get the impression it's because the slogans for the towns aren't catchy enough. Not enough pizazz. Not enough bada-bing in thieir bada-bang. Zipless. So they decided to try to remedy that and come up with some catchy mottos. The end result? Well, let's just say I'm thinking about moving to Sweden and opening shop as a snazzy slogan-catchy motto writer because they sure do make a lot of cash for, um, not a lot of work (translation: crap), it would seem.

Take the town of Gavle, a lovely coastal area two hours north of Stocklholm, according to my favorite Swedish news source in English, The Local. Now just because it's all lovely and coastal doesn't mean that the residents are rocket scientists. That's evident by the fact that the town "paid 221,000 kronor ($33,000) for the phrase "Välkommen ombord” (‘Welcome aboard’)." (What are they? The Love Boat? Is Gavin MacLeod the mayor? Where's Gopher?)

And I wasn't the only one who thought it was ridiculous. Lots of Gavle dwellers said it was "dopey and social democratic." (I'm not sure about the "social democratic" part, but it doesn't sound as if it's complimentary.) "Welcome aboard what?” was the question asked by Gävle resident Rolf Lassgård, who also mentioned, "It seems like it would have been better to use the money to buy a boat first." Sensible man, that Rolf.

Too bad the public administrators over there in Gotland weren't as sensible as Rolf. If they were, they likely would not have "shelled out a whopping 5 million kronor for “Det magiska Gotland” (‘Magical Gotland’)." OK, let's see...if 221,000 kronor is $33,000 then 5 million kronor is...carry the one...add the 7...holy crap, that's about $746,560!! For "Magical Gotland"? That's it?! Oh, wait. Of course that's not it. Silly. No, they also got the tagline “Kreativitet, livslust, närhet, livskraft, och magiskt” (‘Creativity, vibrancy, closeness, vitality, and magic’). Huh. OK, I'm back to holy crap!

Does it get worse? Of course it does. I'm sure Sweden is a lovely place, but aside from Rolf, the Swedes aren't exactly coming across as the sharpest tools in the shed. Over in Fagersta (pretty), they ended up with their official slogan being “Här får du livstid” (‘Here you’ll have time for living’). And something like that can be interpreted in Swedish to mean that you’ve been given a lifetime prison sentence. See, now something like that is really going to be a deal breaker the majority of the time I would think. Unfortunate.

Now, the ice cream Haagen Dazs is actually a made up name. It doesn't mean squat. Apparently, the Swedish municipality of Malå’s decided to go that route when they came up with their slogan, “He som hänn he hänn hänna”. Those ‘words’ are not even in the Swedish dictionary. And if you roughly translate it (read: butcher it) into English, you come up with "Whatever happens, happens here." Wow. How exciting. Sounds kind of like "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." Yeah, but considering the town only has 3,000 people, it's hard to imagine that "whatever happens" there is all that great. It's also hard to believe that it wouldn't involve some sort of cow or goat or some other type of livestock usually seen trailing behind yodelers.

Some towns appear to let their anal retentiveness shine through with overly inclusive slogans such as Stenungsund's "Det goda kustnära samhället med framtidstro och utveckling” (‘The pleasant coastal community with belief in the future and development.’) Most coastal communities in the States don't want development. Maybe the Swedes are different, but this doesn't seem like it's normal. Then again, if you're looking for normal, don't hit up Malung. They decided to go with "41 kvadratkilometer med utveckling" (‘41 square kilometres with development’)." Yeah, that's not normal on any continent.

If you're looking for the humbled Swedish town, perhaps stop by Vingåker. Their slogan is, “En promille kan inte ha fel!” (‘One in every thousand can't be wrong’) I like it when the bar isn't set too high, you know? One in every thousand? So, one tenth of one percent can't be wrong? OK, that might be too low, even for my standards.

But Trosa definitely meets my standards with the motto “Världens ände”. In Swedish, that can mean two things; either “the end of the world” or “the world’s rear end”. It's as if Sweden has it's own form of "Canada, America's Hat"! I like it! And what I like even more is that the word ‘trosa’ in Swedish is also the singular form of the word for "panties". Nice job!

I can come up with crappy slogans like these for a hell of a lot less money (but still a hell of a lot of money) than these Swedes paid for what they got. Except for the Trosa folks. They seem to have received their money's worth for their slogan. From now on, they will be known to many (or just me) as Trosa, Sweden's panties.

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Arrrr! Guess What Today Is?

Arrrrr, matey! That's correct. The day you've been waiting for (or are just learning about) is finally here. It has finally bestowed itself upon us! Today, September 19, as it is every September 19 (and has been since 1995) is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Arrrrr. Avast! Arrrgh again!

Now, I'm sure you're sitting there thinking, "WTF is Talk Like A Pirate Day? Arrgh?" That's pretty much the initial reaction from most people, from what I can tell. Here's the scoop: Back in 1995 a couple of regular guy guys, John Baur and Mark Summers, just started talking pirate talk whilst playing racquetball one day. (No, they're not gay lovers. And never were. Or will be.) After noticing how the pirate talk made the game go by faster while at the same time making it all the more entertaining, the boys decided that there should be an entire day where everyone just speaks like a pirate. (Guys are very into formalizing crazy ideas they come up with. It seems as if that strategy makes their ideas all the more valid. Thus, if there is a specific day for something, well, you have to do it. It's what the day is for, right? Right.)

For reasons that even they don't get, they settled on September 19 because that is the day of Mark's ex-wife's birthday and he felt that was a day he could recall easily. Go figure. And so Talk Like A Pirate Day was kind of born. I say "kind of" because for about 6 years after that, the guys pretty much celebrated it on their own. Just two guys, talking crazy pirate talk together, with or without a racquetball. It wasn't until 2002 when they managed to get hold of Dave Barry's email address and write to him about their day. Their idea was that he would be their national spokesman for TLAPD. And Dave Barry, being Dave Barry and all, thought it was a fabulous idea (even though he used the term "very excellent"). Next thing they know, Dave Barry writes a column about TLAPD which appears in the Miami Herald and an obscure, but fun as hell, quasi-holiday was born.

TLAPD is celebrated in several, yes several different countries and continents including Antarctica (don't ask. I didn't. Frozen pirates. Brrr!). And just in case you're not up on all of your pirate-ese, the Pirate Guys (as they are now known), John (also known as Ol' Chumbucket") and Mark (also known as "Cap'n Slappy"), have a website http://www.talklikeapirate.com/ where they give you tips, answer questions, have pirate vocabulary (in English AND in German!) and have way, way, way more information on this thing that I ever thought there could be. (It's speakin' like a freakin' pirate, for cryin' out loud and...and...shiver me timbers or something like that! How much could there be? A lot, matey. A freaking lot.)

Here's what I've learned:

• Lots of pirate words start with the letter "A". Avast! Ahoy! Aye! Aye aye! And my personal favorite, Arrrr!! No word on why that is, matey.
  
  
• These guys had way too much time on their hands. I have never seen anything so inclusive as their website in my life. Everything you could have ever wanted to know about speaking like a pirate is there. Everything you never wanted to know about speaking like a pirate is there. It's incredible. These guys are some thorough, thorough pirates. Aarrrr!
  
  
• There are several hundred pictures of several hundred different individuals, in various forms of dress and costume, who are celebrating TLAPD in the years past. And while it is TALK Like A Pirate Day, many of the folk seem to think that also means that it is DRESS Like A Pirate Day. Thankfully, you do not have to dress like a pirate to participate in these festivities. But you might find yourself wanting to.


• People really, really, really get into the whole pirate-speak thing on this day. I mean they really get into it. So much in fact that it makes me glad this thing is only once a year. Otherwise I'd fear that there would be a rush of people chopping off one leg at the knee and hopping around on their good leg and a Louisville Slugger with a parrot on their shoulder. That would be bad. And frightening.


• Using the Pirate Name Generator to get your very own pirate name is quite fun. Somehow, I ended up being Mad Ned the Executioner. And you don't have to stop at just names for pirates. You can use the Pirate Ship Name Generator and get a name for your pirate ship. I ended up with the Horrid Buccaneer.


• And speaking of buccaneers (or just using any excuse I can to throw in this joke from the Pirate Guys), "A little boy is trick or treatin' on Halloween by himself. He is dressed as a pirate. At one house, a friendly man asks him, "Where are your buccaneers?" The little boy responds, "On either side o' me 'buccan' head!"

The guys even realized that pirates must need a little bit of lovin' (or booty, as a pirate might say. Arrr!) and on their website they provide the Top Ten Pirate Pick Up Lines. You know, just in case the scurvy hasn't set in yet from those months at sea, surrounded by your mates and wenches. Those wenches can look mighty good when you're delirious and your internal organs are starting to shrivel up due to a lack of fresh water. So if you find yourself in that very situation and are at a loss for words, you can always fall back on their list:

• 10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
  
• 9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
  
• 8. Come on up and see me urchins.
  
• 7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
  
• 6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
  
• 5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?
  
• 4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
  
• 3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
  
• 2. Well blow me down?
  
• And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …
  
• 1. Prepare to be boarded.

And just because they're pirates (sort of), that doesn't mean that they discriminate. Oh, no. No, no! Arrr! Far from it! Aye! They have the Top Ten Pick Up Lines for the Lady Pirates as well.

• 10. What are YOU doing here?
  
• 9. Is that a belayin' pin in yer britches, or are ye ... (this one is never completed)
  
• 8. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!
  
• 7. So, tell me, why do they call ye, "Cap'n Feathersword?"
  
• 6. That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!
  
• 5. Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me "lice ratio!"
  
• 4. I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs!
  
• 3. C'mon, lad, shiver me timbers!
  
• 2. RAMMING SPEED!
  
• ...and the number one Female Pirate Pick-up Line:
  
• 1. You. Pants Off. Now!

Yeah, I'll definitely be giving some of these a shot. It can't hurt. And even if it did, well, that might be good in this case. Arrr!

Now, look, I'll be the first to admit, I thought this was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard of when I first got wind of it. Arrr! But I have to tell you....it grows on you. Quickly. And it is fun as hell! Arrr! Give it a shot. You'll be amazed at how quickly it catches on with co-workers after they're assured that it's a real thing and that at that very moment, people all over the world are speaking pirate and they should too! And they will. (Just make it clear that it's OK, and they'll do it. Trust me. Those co-workers of yours? Gullible as veal calves.) You'll thoroughly enjoy yourself, I promise. Arrr!

Now avast, ye land lubber! (Or something like that.) Go smartly back to thy cubicle with the rest of the bilge rats and sneak yourself a swill of grog. And then hurry up and get those pants off! Talk Like A Pirate Day only lasts for twenty four hours! And I can't think of a better way to spend it than swilling a little grog me self with another pantless pirate. Arrr!

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