Montgomery or Mitt?

What better fictional billionaire to compare to Mitt Romney than Mr. Burns from The Simpsons? The guys over there at Mad Magazine thought that it was the perfect comparison and they came up with this quiz in the form of a chart. And even the ones that you know are Mitt Romney, I'll bet you still read them in Montgomery Burns' voice. Excellent.

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2025??

Bought gas lately? I have. I just paid $4.29 a gallon in Santa Cruz. Yes, yes, I realize that Santa Cruz is a little touristy and that could account for some of it, but not much. I paid $4.21 in San Jose the other day. The point here is that we're being screwed for no apparent reason. But what is becoming more and more apparent is that no one cares, no one is going to do anything and we are at the mercy of whatever anyone wants to charge us.

Even President Barry has commented on this recent inexplicable surge in petroleum pricing. What he had to say on the matter was one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. Then again, I was listening as someone hoping for some sort of solution. A light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, if you will. There's no light. None. Just darkness. Oily darkness.

President Barry gave his weekly radio address the other day. (Did you know that President Barry gave a weekly radio address? Me neither. He does know about the Internet, right? Radio seems to be a strange medium to get a message across. Then again, it was just an asinine statement that he made, he might not have wanted a lot of people to actually hear it. Maybe he figured if it was on the radio that it would just be overlooked.) And do you know what his solution to high gas prices is? Better cars. Duh.

According to the Salt Lake Tribune (and apparently the radio), he said that "Detroit automakers are on track to build cars that average nearly 55 miles per gallon by 2025, doubling current mileage standards." Oh, really? 2025?! That will help me out soooo much next week! And they're "on track" to build those sorts of cars? On TRACK?! How hard is this really? I have a telephone in my pocket that accesses the Internet and takes pictures. (I assume it also makes phone calls, but I really couldn't say for sure.) You're telling me that with aaalllllll of the technology and knowledge that we have about so many things that it is still going to take until 2025 to build a car with better gas mileage?! That's pretty pathetic.

Didn't John F. Kennedy challenge us to put a man on the moon within the decade when he said that? (That was 1962, by the way. I'm not just making this stuff up.) And didn't we put a man on the moon in 1969? So we can get a man from Earth to another freaking planet (Yes, I know a moon is not a planet per se. That's not the point here. FOCUS!), but we're only "on track" to have a car that gets 55 mpg in 13 years? I don't want a flying car; I just want a regular car! (OK, that's a lie. I totally want a flying car! But you know what I'm saying.) It's taking us almost twice as long to build a fuel efficient vehicle that people want than it took us to get people on the moon and back safely?! Are we supposed to be excited about this? Because I'm hardly excited. I'm angry, but I'm not excited.

He continued along with this rainbow and unicorn way of thinking with "That means folks will be able to fill up every two weeks instead of every week, saving the typical family more than $8,000 at the pump over time. That’s a big deal, especially as families are yet again feeling the pinch from rising gas prices." Uhhh...am I the only one who caught the "over time" he put in there. Saving $8,000 over how much time, President Barry? I can save $8,000 "over time" too. Oh, did I mention how much time? Forty years. How's that? Sound ridiculous? So does he.

This is such crap. No one is willing to give anyone a straight answer about why gas prices do what they do. (Current speculation is that gas prices got so high because we might go to war with Iran. How does that work? We're already IN two wars. One more makes that big of a difference? Besides, I don't think it's going to happen. My money's on Israel doing their thing and the US feigning ignorance over it. "They did what? Bombed them? We are so surprised. This is brand new information!") And for President Barry to stand there (Or sit. I have no idea how antiquated radio broadcasts work.) and act like we should be excited that we might get a fuel efficient vehicle in about 13 years is pandering beyond pandering. We're not really dumb children. (OK, people as a whole aren't exactly geniuses. But they do know that this is crap!) All we want is for the price of gas to go down. And we don't really care how it's done, but we're going to need it to be sooner than 13 years. Ok. Thanks.

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Jatravesty

Every single day I keep seeing more and more signs of our imminent demise. (Aka "We're doomed.") Here's what I saw today. Behold!

Wow. Are we...are we sure that those are actually names? I guess we kind of have to assume that they are (as that's usually how these sorts of things work), but I'm pretty sure that I haven't heard of most of those before. And that's not to say that there is something wrong with that. It's just saying...oh, come on! You know what it's saying as well as I do!

Wow. Memaw sure does have a lot of baybays. Does that actually say Jamodesty? That's gotta be a joke. Jamodesty? Sort of like Jermaine Jackson's kid, Jermajesty? I guess Jermajesty was a little too self-indulgent, so they went with Jamodesty? Or maybe that's the feminine form. If Jermajesty is the masculine form of Ja'highness, then that might make sense. All of these seem like derivatives of Heywood Jablowme, but I think I digress.

Actually, wait a minute. Maybe I've figured out how this whole thing works. You take a word that starts with an "M" and ends with a "Y", put a little "Ja" at the beginning of that and BAM! You've got yourself a ghetto name generator. Jamatrimony, Jamalady, Jamilitary, Jamercury, Jamelody. I'm a genius! I'm also ashamed! Moving on!

Now, to be fair, since these are "Memaw's" baybays, I can't really bag on Memaw as she didn't name them. She is advertising those names, however. That's a punishable offense right there when you're talking about E Monte and Jerodius. And while I can give her a little bit of leeway because she wasn't the actual namer, she still loses those points for the misplaced apostrophe in "BayBay's" Oooh! Oooh! Japostrophe!

Oh, God. I've clearly lost it. Must be late. OK, in conclusion, don't do this stuff. If you know someone who does, just turn around and walk the other way. They're beyond help. Save yourself.

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Doomed Due To Leap Day

I was really having a tough time trying to figure out something to post for today. Maybe that was because I was so confused about Leap Day the other day. Oh, no, wait. That wasn't me. That was the chick in the video below. Um, I should probably warn you that you may want to kill yourself after viewing this video. You will definitely want to kill the girl. Oh, and there's a boatload of profanity in it. It really adds to the charm of it all. Is it rather loud, as she is shrieking, so you might want to turn down your speakers or something. Unless you like that sort of thing, in which case, I can't help you very much. I certainly hope this chick is the exception and not the norm these days. I mean, I know we're doomed. But I don't want to be doomed at the hands of this chick. That would just add insult to injury. And who needs that? We're already doomed, why make it worse?

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Why Would You Buy That?

I think that it's been well established here that I simply do not get people. I don't. I don't understand what makes a lot of people work. Or maybe it's that I don't understand how they make themselves work for them. I mean, how can some people be so incredibly dense in the thinking department, yet still manage to find employment at which they perform poorly at best? Here's my most recent example of this phenomenon which I think I just explained terribly. Look at this "greeting card" that Target was carrying. Behold!

That's right. It says "next time you think of dating the bad boy, consider whitney houston. that's all i'm going to say." I'll get to that in a minute, but I'd first like to say that the next time that you think of writing a asinine greeting card, consider punctuation and capitalization. That's all I'm going to say...about that. I've got plenty to say about the rest of it.

First off, in what sense is this a "greeting" card? What exactly are we "greeting"? It's not for a specific holiday. It's not for a specific occasion. So what is it for? Is it for when you really want to give snarky advice to someone but you just can't find the words on your own? Is it for butting into someone else's business under the guise of the "greeting"? I don't get it. I can't think of a single "occasion" on which I would want to give this card. Not one. Can you? Of course you can't.
You know why? Because it's stupid, that is correct.


Now, Target claims that they were carrying these cards loooooong before Ms. Houston decided to explore the underwater depths of her tub sans snorkel but not without copious amounts of alleged Xanax. But now that she's newly deceased, somehow that makes these cards suddenly in poor taste. I can't quite grasp why that is, though. I'm not saying that it was ever in good taste. I guess I just can't get past how stupid this card is to begin with and still cannot fathom why anyone would have bought this in the first place.


But now that Target knows that Whitney Houston is dead, they have begun removing the card from their shelves. Sooooo...it's OK to mock someone's poor choice in partners as long as they're alive? But after they're dead, then it's completely forbidden? How does that work? Target, I'm adding you to my list of pansy retailers who cower at the very thought that they might be involved in some sort of fakeroversy. (Fakeroversy. That's a fake controversy. I haven't used that term in a while, so I thought I'd just clarify.) If anyone actually complained (and I can't imagine that anyone actually did), Target should have just told them to get over it and kept the card on their shelves. I still don't get how it would be offensive after she died. Wouldn't it have been more appropriate to be offended when she was still alive? (Then again, in this scenario I think that I'm assuming that Whitney Houston would have given a crap about a Target "greeting" card that poked fun of her poor choice of a husband. I don't think she would have cared. Nor do I know how she would have known. Was she often seen frequenting the aisles at Target? I can't possibly imagine that.)


Furthermore, I am so not buying into their claim that they had this on their shelves before she died. Whitney Houston wasn't exactly a household name anymore at the time of her untimely submergement. There wasn't someone more well-known that they could have gone with? Katy Perry, perhaps. Her short-lived union to Russell Brand could have been seen as a "bad boy" marriage. At least people would know who Katy Perry is (after they realize that she isn't Zooey Deschanel), even though they still wouldn't have a freaking clue as to which occasion such a card is appropriate.

And look, I got so agitated with the whole concept of the card that I completely forgot about my initial point. That point being that some softhead out there had to design this card and think it was a good idea. Another softhead had to think that this card was a good idea and OK it after that. There had to have been several other softheads involved in the production of this card who thought it was a good idea in order for it to get the point where it's actually on the shelves at Target. Who are these people who thought this was a good idea, especially if it was done after Whitney's death (even though I don't believe for a minute that's the case)? How are these people making decisions like that and they're still getting through life? How do they have jobs where they're allowed to make any decision at all?! These are questions that I will likely never get an answer to. Such questions used to keep me up at night, but now they just make me sad. Sad because we're doomed.

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Three Million?

You know why it's important for news sources to check and edit their stories? Mainly so that they don't publish reports that three million people died as the result of a school shooting. I read this over yonder at CBS.com.

Really? Death toll rises to 3M? I don't think that it does. But then again, they're the news, so....Oh, my God! What happened? What's that? Big thumb? Oh. I see. It was really just three? No millions? Good to know. But CBS, if you need a copy editor, I'm totally available.

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A Leg Up

Yesterday we discussed whether or not JLo showed her nipple at the Oscars. (We did not discuss whether or not any sort of freak out over the alleged aforementioned areola would be warranted. That's because it wouldn't.) Today, I'd like to go over what in the hell was up with Angelina Jolie and her right leg. Behold!

And if that wasn't weird enough for you, it was like that all night. I couldn't quite figure it out. Is it some sort of prosthetic that she's really proud of? Or is it some sort of prosthetic that they put on crooked? Why's it sticking out like that? Are we supposed to be sucked in by the magic of television and just not notice that there isn't an able bodied human being on the planet that would ever naturally stand like that? Because I can't do that. And it's not like I'm the only one who noticed the leg. The leg now has it's own Twitter account, for crying out loud!

That Twitter account has over 25,000 followers. Those people know that it isn't really her leg that's doing the tweeting...right? What cracked me up the most about all of this was how out of her way Angelina Jolie went to make sure that her leg got a little airtime. She's in all of these ridiculous positions which I find simply hilarious.

I can't tell if her heel is all of the way off of the ground or if that is solely the work of a contortionist. Regardless, what is she trying to accomplish? Here's her leg! Is that her best leg? Is it a special leg? Is the leg some sort of a hero? Or is the leg just trying to escape? Look at this one:

Is she peeing? That kind of looks like the stance a female might take in the wild when needing to empty her bladder. It's a look rarely seen at red carpet events, though. Speaking of looks, can we talk about Angelina's? If the camera adds ten pounds, then she must weigh all of 60 pounds. She's damn near gaunt. Angie, sweetheart, have a sandwich. It's on me!
No, really. Did she run out of time and could only manage to shave one leg? So she's keeping that one hidden and trying to detract from its existence by constantly displaying the shaven one? I don't get it. It looks so unnatural and so uncomfortable. And there doesn't seem to be any reason for it! Doesn't she know that it looks weird? (Not that it would matter. This is the chick that used to wear a vile of her husband's blood around her neck. I'm not so certain that she gives a fat rat's ass about what's weird and what isn't.) I mean really weird. Not as weird as this, but still pretty weird.

Maybe that's really what was going on under there. It certainly looks problematic. I can certainly see why she'd want to cover up at least half of that!

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There's Always Room For JLo

The Oscars were last night. And apparently, there was an unexpected appearance by Jennifer Lopez's left nipple. The Internet is all abuzz about it. There's even a new Twitter account for "JLosNipple". (And you 1,407 people who are now following this short-lived novelty account really need to find a different hobby.) I swear, if this turns out like the Great Janet Jackson Nip Slip of 2004 and I have to hear about it for the next eight years (at least), I'm going to have to recommend that all women at all award ceremonies wear a burqa. (I realize that sounds a little restrictive, but not really compared to the wrath of the FCC and their inane rules and regulations.) And I'm not totally sure that there's anything there that we even saw. You tell me. Behold!

THAT?! THAT is what people are flipping out over?! THAT is what a Twitter account was created over?! THAT?! Are you kidding me?! Are we even sure that is anything at all? I don't think that we can be. There might be some nipple there, but maybe not. And besides, this IS Jennifer Lopez, right? It's not a nun or anything like that, correct? Have people lost their collective minds?! Am I the only one who remembers what sort of outfits Jennifer Lopez tends to wear? Let's have a quick refresher course. Here's what she wore on New Year's Eve. Behold!

Holy cow. I gotta say that I feel like I'm seeing a lot more with her in that outfit than I was seeing in the picture with the alleged areola sighting. Let's look at what she wore to the 42nd Grammy awards. She's all but naked. (No! Not all butt naked. All but naked. You know what I mean!) Behold!

You have GOT to be kidding me! She's not even wearing shoes! This is like the bare minimum of clothing that one would have to wear in order to not get arrested. Can we get a closer picture of this? CLOSE UP!

Her breasts are nearly falling out of that. Is that a Christmas bow on the front trying to hold it all together? Holy canoli. And people are freaking out that maybe an eight of an inch of her nipple poked its way out of her dress on TV last night? That's a joke, right? It has to be. There's no logical way to explain any sort of uproar. Quite frankly, I'm a little surprised every time she shows up anywhere fully clothed. Look at the ad that she came out with this year for her new perfume. Look at it!

See, she's not kinda naked there. No, she is naked there! Full on naked! (And lookin' good might I add. I wonder what the fragrance smells like? Ha-ha, no I don't.) But people are all up in arms about her nipple that may or may not have made an appearance? This is the sort of thing that honestly makes me crazy. It makes me want to fight people. Look at the picture that was taken at the Academy Awards last night and then look at this picture for her fragrance. If you're going to be up in arms about something, shouldn't it be the fragrance ad?! (And don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that you should be up in arms about the fragrance ad. I'm just saying that if you have to have your arms up, shouldn't it be for something arm-up-worthy?) What is wrong with people?! If I hear that the FCC is looking into this, I will be able to state once again and with all certainty that we as a people are completely doomed.

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Here's Who We Need At The Oscars

The Oscars are tonight and I don't care about any of it. Oh, sure, I might watch a little bit of it, but it will mainly be to try to figure out why someone thought that Billy Crystal would make a good host this year. Hasn't his ship sailed? Seriously, what year is it? Who is that supposed to pander to? When was the last time he did a movie? Or anything for that matter? (I just checked IMDb. Looks like he did a voice in the movie Cars in 2006. Other than that, he hasn't done much that anyone would have actually seen on purpose. Looks like his last recognizable human role would have been that of the mattress salesman in The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle. I think I've made my point.) Yes, he used to be very funny and very relevant at one point. But that point is so far away that it looks like a dot to you. Eddie Murphy was supposed to host, but that didn't work out for some reason. And someone thought that an adequate replacement for Eddie Murphy would be Billy Crystal?! How does that happen? I don't know.

And I really don't care because, as I have already said, I don't care. But you know what would make me watch? Do you know who Sophia Grace and Rosie are? I didn't either until the other day. They are these two adorable little girls who Ellen has had on her show a few times. They're really into music and did a fabulous stint on the red carpet at the Grammys. (So many people knew who they were! I was so clueless.) They're as adorable as they are hilarious. My favorite quote was when Ellen asked them if they got nervous when they were at the Grammys. One of them answered, "We weren't nervous, but we were hungry." (I hear ya, kid. I can get through just about anything, but I'm gonna need a snack.) See for yourself. They're great. We need more Sophia Grace and Rosie and less Billy Crystal at awards shows.

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Maybe This Will Help

We're going broke, you know. Not you specifically me and not me specifically, but rather the country. That's the 'we' in this equation. The country is going broke. Rapidly. And no one seems to care. Either that or they just don't get it. But it's not that complicated, is it? I don't think so, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it is just SO complicated that no one can understand it and that's why all of the elected officials continue to insist on spending my money like a bunch of drunken sailors on leave. (Apologies to all drunken sailors on leave. I know you're more responsible than that. It's just a saying.) Well, if that's the case, then we're all in luck! Below is a very short little video which acts out in layman's terms just how big of a problem this country's spending actually is. It's so funny that it's incredibly sad. Behold!

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