America's Village Idiot

America's village idiot is back in the news.  That's right.  The one, the only, the Levi Johnston.  You probably best remember Levi from such episodes such as the 2008 presidential campaign and his knocking up the Republican Vice-Presidential candidate's daughter, Bristol.  He's a pretty good looking dude, but seems to be as dumb as a turnip.  (I realize that might be insulting to the turnips of the world out there, but I calls 'em as I sees 'em.)  But he does seem to be good at a couple of things.  He seems to be really good at having sex without using contraception AND he seems to be really good at getting chicks that he isn't married to knocked up. 

You can't be overly surprised when I tell you that Levi has managed to get another girl pregnant.  The lucky lady this time is a one 20-year old (and old enough to know better) Sunny Rae Camilla Oglesby.  That's right.  Sunny.  The exact opposite of my disposition.  Sunny.  And how they came to be a couple is truly a romantic tale.  See, Levi saw Sunny's picture on Facebook.  He must have been instantly smitten because he immediately called up his friend and said exactly what you would expect him to say in this situation.  He told his friend, "Get her."  Awww.  Just like in the movies!  According to Inside Edition, the way Levi tells this love story is "I seen her on Facebook—a picture, and I called my friend and said 'Get her.'" And it's not just her good looks that attracted Levi to her.  "Any woman who can hunt bears with me is a keeper. You can't find those every day."  Words of a poet.

At some point after meeting, the two lovebirds went on a camping trip to some cabin in the middle of nowhere.  And wouldn't you know it?!  They forgot birth control! As Levi put it, "We were out at the cabin for like, four days, and forgot the birth control."  Right.  Because there's nothing else that they could have done!  And rather than just go and get some (or not have unprotected sex), they decided that the best thing to do would be to go ahead and have unprotected sex anyway and bring another little Johnston into the world before he's even 22.  Good idea. 

Naturally, with two geniuses like this involved, you know that the name that they choose for the kid is going to be equally intelligent.  That's why they decided to name their children after something near and dear to Levi's heart.  His favorite gun. And apparently, one of his favorite characteristics of nature.  They're naming the child Breeze Beretta.  Now, Breeze is kind of a stripper name.  It's going to be tough for her to resist the draw of the pole with a name like Breeze Beretta.  Then again, it's hard for me to imagine her having a stellar life with Levi at the helm of fatherhood, but that's just me. 


Of course these two aren't married yet.  Again, according to Inside Edition "Johnston still hasn't officially popped the question. Oglesby wants him to propose before Breeze is born."  Yet when asked by the interviewer "Is there any question in your mind that this is the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with?"  Johnston answered, "No."  But yet, no marriage proposal.  So, so interesting.  And, given his history with the Palin girl, so, so not surprising.  What a loser. 

He already doesn't see or pay for the kid that he has.  And now he's bringing another one into the world with a girl who seems just as naive as Bristol did about the entire thing.  It's like watching "Groundhog Day" waiting for this to play out.   I'm going to make my prediction right now.  I predict that it will turn out just like it did before.  They'll be all in love and happy or whatever.  That will last right about until the kid is born.  Then Levi will go back to doing whatever dumbass things he does and Sunny Rae over there will get to raise little Breeze Beretta all by herself.  And for the record, I would love to be proven wrong about this.  I would like nothing more than for those two kids to stay together forever and have a happy and loving family.  But it's Levi Johnston, so I just don't see that happening.  Why can't there be some radio station out there that would offer him something like $10,000 if he got a vasectomy?  That'd be awesome because the end goal here is to have him stop making children.  I can't think of any other way to get that done than with some ridiculous publicity stunt that makes him a few bucks.  Small price to pay if you're asking me.  

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Ten

Here's a story that has so much wrong with it in just the first three paragraphs that it's difficult to continue reading. The headline was off-putting enough. "10-year old Mexican girl gives birth to baby boy after 31-week pregnancy". Eww. And, oh God. Hard to believe that gets worse, eh? Well, I don't know if it's 'worse' exactly, but it sure as hell ain't better.

The article goes on to say that "The premature infant, which weighed 3.3 pounds, was born by Caesarian section...and is in the intensive care unit recovering from pneumonia." 3.3 pounds. I bought a chicken the other day that was more than 3.3 pounds! That's a tiny baby. But, wait! There's more. It also says that "The young mother...has returned home after the procedure but visits the baby every day to breastfeed". A ten year old. Breast feeding. Why in the world was this allowed to happen?! She's TEN! There are a lot of things that ten-year olds should be doing, but breast feeding certainly is not among those things!

Now, I don't know if the family would have been interested in an abortion (even though I kind of think that they probably should have been), but it wouldn't have mattered anyway because in Mexico, the "...minimum age of consent is 12". Soooo...wait. A ten-year old gets knocked up somehow (they are currently "...investigating whether the girl could have been raped and who the father is") and there is not an abortion option?! How is that possible?! There is every time of sick bastard in the world out there and nothing can be put past any of them. So if they just happen to get a child pregnant and that child is under 12, then that child is basically forced to go through a pregnancy!? And have a freaking baby?! Our neighbors to the south, ladies and gentlemen. How 'bout a big round of applause? No? Ok, then.

This is insane. A ten-year old is in what...fourth grade? Good Lord, a fourth grader should not be having children. And if someone is raped, I don't care how old they are, they shouldn't be caught up in some sort of a legality that puts them in the position to be essentially forced to have a child that they don't want. Way to go, Mexico. And for all of you jackass lawmakers and religious nutjobs in this country that think that abortion should be greatly restricted or outlawed altogether, you people need to step into reality for a minute and ask yourself about situations like this horror that went on. She's ten! And I'm nauseous.

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Sign On The Dotted Line

I've come across a new aspect of abusive relationships. Sure, some folks say that those who stay in abusive relationships "have it coming" or some crap like that (they don't, of course). But the question now is do they "have it coming" if they sign a contract in which they consent to the abuse beforehand? Wait. What now?

Correct. For some reason, this story is coming to us from our friends across the pond at The Daily Mail, even though it takes place in Seattle, Washington. What we appear to have is "A violent boyfriend forced his pregnant girlfriend to sign an 'abuse contract' allowing him to beat her whenever he wanted." But that's not all! Like any contract, there were clauses and terms that spelled out what the contract was all about. And "Under the terms of the contract Graydon Smith,31, was allowed to punch, kick and throttle his 19 year old girlfriend." And if you're wondering what this sort of loser looks like, I'm going to say that he looks about exactly what you think he looks like. Behold!

See? Was I wrong? Of course not. But let's not be too hasty to judge this lad! After all, not only were there terms, there were also restrictions, for cryin' out loud. There were certain things that he couldn't do. That's only fair, right? (Why those certain things didn't include the abuse in the first place is a bit beyond my capacity to understand this sort of thing.) "His only restriction was that he wasn't allowed to punch her stomach." Awww.....see? What a great guy! He was looking out for the unborn! What a peach. That is, if by "peach" I really mean "A-hole".

This all came to light when the girlfriend's stepfather "saw Smith throttling his daughter" and subsequently called police. Might I just note that most fathers/stepfathers would have done a little throttling of their own had they been witness to such an act. I'm thinking ol' Graydon got off easy by having the cops called.

When the cops arrived, this dimwit "...admitted to police that he had made his girlfriend...sign the contract giving him free rein to carry out domestic abuse." I am dying to know what this admission came about. I can only assume that he was confronted by the cops and, because he's practically Einstein, pulled out the contract and showed it to them. I'm also assuming that it involved some use of the term "See?" Again, pure speculation on my part, but only because it's completely asinine to expect that anything sane would be taking place at this point.

I'd like to know how long this was going on before he was busted. I mean, did his 19-year old girlfriend really think that there wasn't anything that could be done because she signed some idiotic contract that allows for her to be beaten? Oh, I almost forgot: Anywhere but in the stomach region. You know, because he's such a caring individual.

The article ends with these two gems of sentences: "Unemployed Smith has been charged with assault and harassment. He is being held on £75,000 bond." Oh, what?! He's unemployed?! Shocking. Simply shocking.

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17...18...19?

Are you familiar with the Duggar family? They're the folks over in Arkansas who have a rather large family. We're not talking Brady Bunch or Eight is Enough or anything that amateurish. No, the Duggars would be more like Eighteen is Enough. Only it isn't. Enough, that is.

Meet Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar. Jim Bob, 44, and Michelle, 43, live in Arkansas and are the parents of eighteen children. On purpose. I don't know why exactly. Something about blessings and gifts from God or something like that. I don't quite get how being the host to an alien creature living in your body for nine months before it forcefully expels itself through your uterus in a process akin to that of shoving a pot roast through your nostril can be called "a blessing", but to each their own? I guess? (Why are God's "gifts" always children? Why can't God's "gifts" be regular gifts? Like iPods and Playstation 3s?)

While I can't imagine that it's the best thing in the world to have a family that large, I can't imagine it's the worst thing in the world, either. On top of that, the Duggars are totally self sufficient and do not rely on any sort of assistance from any governmental or charitable entity. And while I may hate to admit it, aside from the prairie-dress fashion that they seem to sport, they seem rather normal. As normal as you can be when you're living a life that's quite similar to that of being permanently assigned to a dorm or barrack, that is.

So Michelle gave birth to Jordyn-Grace on December 18, 2008, an appropriate date for the eighteenth child of the family. (Eighteen. Good Lord.) Most people who have heard of these folks had probably just barely started to wrap their head around THAT concept when BAM! Next thing you know, number 19 is on the way. Wait. What?

Correct. Michelle Duggar is now pregnant with number 19, now a mere 9 months after shooting out number 18. She is apparently due in March of 2010 (which is the next time that I go to the dentist. See the difference here? Yeah.) OK, so...let's see...had the 18th in December....due in March....9 months gestation...subtract the 2...carry the one....June! They did it in June! SIX months after giving birth, she's pregnant again. AND is happy about it. Most folks? Ready to hurl themselves off of a cliff, that would be correct. But not these folks. Nope. Happy. Go figure.

Man, Jim Bob must have sperm that are like the Michael Phelps of the reproductive world. (Why, yes, I do picture them with little goggles and swim caps. Why?) And Michelle's eggs must make for easy targets. As big as barn doors from the perspective of the begoggled spermatozoas, that is.

The Duggars have two sets of twins in that mix: 19-year olds Jana and John-David and 10-year olds Jedidiah and Jeremiah. (Did I mention that all 18 of the kids have names that start with the letter "J"? I didn't? They do. All of them. Joshua, 21; Jill, 18; Jessa, 16; Jinger, 15; Joseph, 14; Josiah, 13; Joy-Anna, 11; Jason, 9; James, 8; Justin, 6; Jackson, 5; Johanna, 3; Jennifer, 2, and Jordyn-Grace, 8 months.) So that means that with the 18 kids, she's only been pregnant 14 times. That's a total of 126 months!

That's twelve and a half years!

Holy canoli! That's a ridiculously long time to be pregnant! But then I started thinking about it and what if Michelle Duggar wasn't human (and after 19 pregnancies, I realize that one could actually wonder, but we have to assume that she is). And with a little help from MSN Encarta, I've realized it would be a frightening, not to mention crowded, scenario. But if she were the right kind of animal, it could definitely free up some space over there.

A few of the animals that have much longer gestation periods than humans are the the Asian elephant (645 days), the sperm whale (490 days), the giraffe (430 days), and the Bactrian camel (410 days). So she'd only have about 6 Asian elephant children right now and around 8 sperm whale children not to mention about 9 giraffe kids and 9 Bactrian camels. Get that woman an ark! NOW!

But the problem would arise if she were an animal with a much, much, MUCH shorter gestation period than the nine months that humans have. What if she were a finch? A finch has a gestation period of only ELEVEN days. ELEVEN! That's not even TWO weeks! The Olympics lasts longer than a finch pregnancy! You can't even get through the song "The 12 Days of Christmas" if you're a pregnant finch! You would have NO drummers drumming!

A cryin' shame that would be. It would also be about 415 finches! It would be almost an equal number of opossums as well, as their gestation period is 12 days. Mice incubate other mice for between 19 and 21 days, which would produce 228 mice, almost 13 for every Duggar child. And that same amount of time could see the production of 218 chipmunks, 152 rabbits, 130 squirrels and 108 kangaroos! (Kangaroos only have a 42 day pregnancy. 42 days! I'm guessing it has something to do with the pouch, but I'm not sure what exactly. Maybe after 42 days just the head pokes out and the rest keeps on growing in the pouch? Yes, I'm totally speculating! I know nothing!) There could also be 72 raccoons, 71 wolves, 65 mink and 51 pumas. You're gonna need another ark.

All I can say really is that as long as the Duggars can support themselves, so be it. Enjoy! Have a good time! I can't remember what it is exactly that they do for their money, but they seem to have enough of it to raise their 18 kids. Maybe they need some sort of a family business. Something all of the kids could participate in. Maybe like a Starbucks or something. First, they're going to need a location with a lot of traffic. Hey, I know! Michelle's uterus.

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How to Tell if Your Wife is Pregnant

One of my many goals in life has been to have no more than ZERO children. And I'm happy to say that so far, so good. Unless anything radically changes in the near future, I should be able to hold steady at that number until the glorious day when I am officially barren! Don't get me wrong, I like kids, but I like other people's kids. As I may have mentioned before, I have no desire to be the incubator for an alien being which my body will host until it has grown to sufficient enough size that it will warrant it's unpleasant exit from my loins via a process akin to that of shoving a pot roast through one's nostril. No thanks. Other people are more than welcome to procreate if they'd like. I happen to know some excellent mothers. But like I said, if all goes well, I won't be one of them.

In the most optimal of scenarios, I'd like to think that having a kid would be something that you'd have to prepare for. And that it would be something that you'd have to plan out ahead of time. But most importantly, I'm thinking that if you're going to have a kid, you should probably pay attention to things so that you don't completely miss the fact that you were pregnant at all. Wait. What was that?

Correct. Today we go to Montcalm County, Michigan, home to Ryan and Carri Emmons. The couple recently quit smoking (and good for you guys!) and they presumed that Carri had given up one vice (the evil tobacco) for another (the glorious food) and had thus put on a "little bit of weight". Their assumption was partially true. They had quit smoking. She was eating more. She had put on weight. But the weight was due more to the fact that she was pregnant rather than just being a bit on the large side. And according to the news-press.com, that factor somehow managed to elude the both of them...right up until she gave birth in their bathtub. Oh. My. God.

I'd like to take just a brief moment here and ask WTH? I know that people say that it is possible to not know that you're pregnant for a little while at first, but throughout the entire pregnancy? How is that possible? I looked for pictures of these folks and haven't found any yet, but unless she was the size of a small house (even a teepee or a pup tent would suffice for this example) , I'm having trouble seeing how this would happen. Don't those little creatures wiggle around in there? (Ugh. Must finish blog post. Try not to pass out at thoughts of human beings growing inside of people until they're not inside anymore. Ugh. I see now I coulda done without the visual.) How could she not know?

On top of the size factor and the internal creature gestation factor, it's not like this woman didn't have any other children! No, she already has three! She should be fully aware of the policy and procedure manual for this sort of situation by now, wouldn't you think?

Apparently, I'm not the only one asking those questions. Her husband was asking the very same questions as well! And who can blame him? One minute, you have three children. The next thing you know, your wife's in the tub and just as you connect with 911, now you've got four children. Not a lot of time to get prepared for something like that in that fashion.

So the guy calls 911 and I, for one, was just happy that it was actually a legitimate 911 call. He didn't call because there were only 10 herbs and spices instead of 11 in his fried chicken or some other dumbass reason like that. No, having your wife go into labor with the mystery child and the clandestine pregnancy is a perfect reason to call 911! That's 911 material right there if there ever was any. He was about as calm as you would expect someone in his position to be. Because really, if you don't know that your wife is pregnant and she doesn't know that she's pregnant and the next thing you know, she's standing in the tub, moaning in pain and gushing blood from below the belt (Whoa! Steady now....keep typing....) you might just freak right on out. But he stayed relatively calm.

He explains to the 911 dispatcher that he thinks his wife is having a baby. "Uh, yes ma'am. My wife is in the bathroom. There's blood all over the place. She thinks she's having a baby." That theory is pretty much solidified when she yells to him that "the head is out!" The agony of moaning that follows the confirmation that the baby does have a head also backs up the "I think I'm in labor" theory. As the dispatcher, a one Angi Adams (Do all people in Michigan just drop the 'e' from the end of their names now? What's up with that?), is asking poor, shocked Ryan what his address is, he gives her an update by stating in disbelief, "Oh, my God! I'm looking at a baby!" (That keen sense of infant identification will bode well for him as a parent.)

The persistent Angi continues to try to get an address out of the poor man when he blurts out, ""I didn't know my wife was pregnant!" To which Angi responded with the only thing that you could really say with, "You didn't know she was pregnant?" Ever insistent and still in shock (and kind of sounding like he's going to cry), he says, "No, no! I had no idea my wife was pregnant!"

Ryan continues to repeat over and over, "Oh, my God. I'm looking at a baby." He also tells the dispatcher that they quit smoking recently and she had gained some weight and he thought it was from not smoking. (Psst! Someone might want to tell them it's from having sex!) It wasn't that! Nope. Sure was not from that.

At first, I was wondering if she just hadn't told him that she was pregnant, but it kind of seems that she might not have known either. If she did, she didn't seem to feel that whilst still in the tub, after just having given birth to the surprise bundle of joy, that wasn't the best time perhaps to let him know that she knew. I don't know when would be a good time for that if it were something you had to tell your husband, but I can definitely narrow it down to before the kid is born. That I'm fairly certain of.

When do you have that talk with your wife if she doesn't bring it up? I'm thinking maybe soon but it's hard to say. She could be one of those folks that just forgets things now and then! I was glad to hear him say that the kid looked like him, because that would have been an explainable reason to not mention all of the being with child to your husband if the child you were with wasn't with him! If that were the case, you would have really put yourself in an uncomfortable position (and not just because there was another human being trying to crawl it's way out of your loins). There you are, in a bathroom that your husband will likely never use again after this incident, and the kid shoots out (or whatever they do) and he wipes it off with the shower curtain or whatever is nearby and handy, and then says, "Hey! How cute! He looks just like the UPS man! ::: blink ::: :::blink :::: Wait a minute." Yeah. Awkward.

So everyone made it through the ordeal just fine. Everyone except maybe me. But I guess I can look at it as a refresher course (not that I need one, I'm just saying) to remind me just one more time why I'm striving for childlessness. If I need more reminders, I can always listen to the 911 call again as well. Fortunately, a link to the complete audio of that call is below, so if you'd like a reminder as well, feel free to listen.

Link:

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