Not Very Much

Holy smokes, how out of touch is Mitt Romney? The man already comes across as a tool and a phony. Did he really have to go and say something that would glaringly highlight how wealthy he is and how he doesn't look at money the same way that regular people do? Apparently he must have because he did.

People have been hammering Mitt more and more lately to release his tax returns. Not surprisingly, Mitt doesn't really want to do that. Oh, sure, he's said that he is considering releasing them around tax time in April. But that would be a point in time that is likely past when the Republicans will have decided upon a nominee for their clueless party. (Don't get me wrong. The Democrats are just as clueless, but they already have their nominee chosen.) How convenient. Release something that you must think is going to be damaging after you've already secured the position that you want. I wonder if he's surprised that we're all seeing through his complex scheme?

He might actually be surprised because he seems so out of touch with other things that it wouldn't be improbable for him to think that all of us little people can just be swayed with his toothy grin and suave words that he got from all of that book learnin'. He did come out and say a few things about his taxes. The first thing he mentioned was that his tax rate is probably around 15%. OK, the guy has over $200 million dollars. He makes a buttload of money every year from that money. Kids, this is what is known as a tax loophole. Making money off of capital gains is taxed at a different rate than the money you make when you haul your ass out of bed every morning and do something in exchange for cash. People with lots of money like these sorts of loopholes.

But that's not the most out of touch thing that he said in regard to his own income and financial situation. See, he made money from speaker's fees. Apparently, there are a lot of people and/or organizations out there that think Mitt Romney is worth paying in order to have him talk to you. In regard to these fees, Mitt said, "I get speaker's fees from time to time, but not very much." Really, Mitt? Not very much? Oh, that must mean 'not very much' for someone who is worth about $200 million because the amount of money that he earned from speaking for one year (2010 through early 2011) was $374,328. I'll wait while you process that.

I'm back! Yes, he actually referred to almost four hundred thousand dollars as "not very much". Good Lord, Mitt. I realize that to someone with his sort of money, almost four hundred grand might not be very much. But to come out and say it like that? That's just idiotic. He is in the upper one percent of the one percent and he just doesn't get that. Does he know that in South Carolina (where the next round of Republican nominee powwows is set to take place) that the average annual personal income per capita is $28,285? Now, twenty-eight grand is "not very much". Mitt's "not very much" is over thirteen times South Carolina's "not very much"! You know what that equals? Very much! That is correct!

Seriously, who are this man's handlers? Or does it even matter? Is he just so rich that he has gone through his entire life without having to ever answer to anyone? Is he just so rich that he has gone through his entire life without anyone ever questioning anything that he ever said? (Because people will kiss a rich man's ass like no other.) I'll bet Mitt also thinks that he's hilarious because all of his life everyone has laughed at every joke he's ever told, even when most of them aren't funny, because of the position that he's in. I'm guessing that he sees the world and the world around him in a completely different way than it actually is.

I think that I've made this offer before, but I'm making it again. Mitt, if you need a consultant, an adviser, a handler, whatever you want to call it, I'm available. Mind you, I'm not a fan of Mitt Romney or the Republican party. But I could teach this guy a few things about the public's perception of politicians. I could also give him some better jokes.

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The Internet Wants Another Word With You

The other day, I brought you the tale of a one self-indulgent (and highly annoying) 11-year old, Jessi Slaughter, who learned the hard way that the Innerwebs will ruin your life (and take great joy and pleasure in doing so) should you step so far out of line that it will practically take a cannon to shoot you back down to earth in an ever so humbling and extremely unpleasant manner. That experience resulted in Jessi posting another video of herself online, only that time, it wasn't so fun for her. No, she was sobbing and upset and her lunatic father was screaming some nonsense in the background. It made me happy. Sad for humanity, of course, but overall, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Little did I realize that there was more! More golden video from this incredibly inept and dysfunctional family unit.

Now, considering that the way that little Jessi got herself into trouble and wrought the havoc of the Internets (aka 4chan.org) was by posting videos of herself online, I'm more than a little surprised that she was allowed (and seemingly encouraged) by her parents to continue to do so. Then again, their parenting skills seem to have an awful lot to be desired, so I guess I shouldn't be that surprised. But I am. In a sad, sad way. I'm also glad. In a glad, glad way. Here is the latest nugget from this completely clueless girl and her completely clueless parents. The transcript (with commentary, naturally) is below.

Jessi: OK, this is Jessi Slaughter. I just wanted to tell you guys that you've ruined my life. My household has been torn. (something inaudible due to all of the weeping and the giant snot bubble stuck in her throat) Ever since you guys have been doing this. I haven't been able to do anything. (Good!)

Dad: And don't be saying suicide!

Jessi: I'm not! I'm saying I haven't been able to eat! I haven't been able to sleep!

Dad: And guess what? My daughter's not lyin'. And I'm not going to put up with any of you people's crap any more! If you ain't got somethin' nice to say about my daughter, then keep your mouth shut and any more of your comments are put on there I'm recording them all and they are being sent to...the..po-lice...department

Jessi (nodding in agreement with her clueless father): They have been being screen capped! (Yeah, no one cares about that.)

Dad: And your emails will be caught and will be found (it sounds like he says 'bound', but that doesn't make any sense. Not that the rest of what he says does make sense, I'm just sayin'.) You've said you're going to beat my daughter up? YOU will have to deal with the police. 'Cause you dun goofed. (It is here that she does a really odd thing. She puts her finger up to her lips as if to "shush" her dad. Um, we can see you. What is that all about? I'm open for suggestions.)

Now, mind you, when the clueless Dad is talking to the Innerwebs, the webcam on her computer (judging from the angle, I'd guess it's a laptop) isn't pointing at him. It's not even really pointing at a decent angle for her. The point here is that you only see dad from mid-torso down. It's half of a blue shirt and a pair of dark green khaki shorts which sport legs wearing shoes and socks. And it's yelling. It's a lovely look for those who have been recently mentally tortured by the Innerwebs.

And seriously, if you're using a phrase like "you dun goofed" whilst your attempting to defend your 11-year old daughter's absolutely inexcusable behavior, are you not just asking to have yourself turned into a meme right before our eyes? I'm pretty sure that you are.

Jessi: See? I haven't been able to eat or sleep...or...anything ever since this happened, I've been having emotional breakdowns in a row. (whimper, whimper)...hating on me....You know, whoever is making fun of me...(high pitched whine that caused three dogs to show up at my front door)...you're such a**holes. I didn't do anything wrong. I am just a fricking little girl and I know my shirt is going down! I know that! OK?! Don't call me a f**king whore for that, OK? I didn't mean...(high pitched whine again...three more dogs)...it's hard. And if you think I don't know Dahvie, I fricking DO know him. My mom has answered the phone. For him. OK? And he's been calling. And once he called when I was in school and my mom answered the f**king phone! (Very high pitched squeaking) Why are you being such a**holes??

Mom: Jessica! It's time to calm down. (She could have said "It's time to come down." No one in this family enunciates worth a damn.) It's time to come down.

Jessi: So, I....stop making fun of me! Stop it. Please.

Mom: Turn the camera off.

OK, I'm taking a whole slew of stuff from that little interchange (not the least of which is great enjoyment). There's a whole lot to like there. First of all, why is she still making videos? I'm kind of thinking that if my kid had wreaked that kind of havoc upon my home/trailer life, allowing her to go online and post MORE videos of herself would be the LAST thing I would do. (And her mom saying "Turn the camera off" is a phrase that should have been uttered quite some time ago. It also should have been followed by "Now hand over your computer.")

As far as some of Jessi's questions and requests, allow me to address them. "Why are you being such a**holes?" Um, did you see your other video? That's why. "Don't call me a f**king whore for that, OK?" Um, no. How about you wear a shirt that's a little more appropriate for an 11-year old? "Stop making fun of me." Stop making videos that induce all of the fun making.

But wait! There's more! The website momlogic managed to get an interview with Jessi's mother, Dianne. Will it surprise you to learn that she defended her daughter? Of course it won't. Will it possibly anger you? Of course it will. First of all, when asked if she knew that her daughter was posting these videos online, Dianne responded, "Jessica has a webcam and a computer. All of her friends have webcams, too, so they video chat with each other. I knew she'd made a video to apply for "America's Got Talent." She sings and sent an audition video in. I had no idea she was making other videos. I have seen her chatting with her friends, but not making videos." Wow. Could she be more clueless? Yeah, see, when I was a kid and I did things that I didn't want my parents to know about, I did it when they weren't around. That might have something to do with why you didn't see her making videos. (Does this woman need to have everything spelled out for her?)

The answer is "Yes!" When asked when it was that she found out about the videos and what her reaction was, she explained, "The (police) officers had said there were videos, but Jess denied making them. Then my mother-in-law called and said there were videos. But I haven't watched them. I can't be in the room 24/7. We tried to talk to Jess last night, but she got very upset all over again. I am trying to get her back to normal. It's taken a very emotional toll on her. I don't know if she made these videos or not, but she says she didn't. Right now, I am trying to figure out what's real and what's not. This has been very difficult to deal with." Oh, for cryin' out loud. What?!

So, police officers have said that there are videos. Your mother-in-law said that there were videos. You haven't watched the alleged videos. But your daughter continues to deny making them. Your life, however, is in turmoil. And you're still believing her? You won't take a few minutes to watch the videos that she allegedly made? Why in the world would you not? Wow. You should not be a parent. I don't usually pass judgment that blatantly around here (I prefer to be a little more subtle and a lot more funny), but come on, lady. Good Lord...

The rest of the article is simply unbelievable. I highly recommend that you read it. I love it when people who are as clueless as her mother is just speak freely as if they think that everyone in the world will agree with their point of view. Yeah, not so much. This woman has no intention of changing her child's behavior. How do I come to that conclusion? Probably from her answer to the question "What message do you have for other moms?" That answer was as follows: "Communicate with your child, try and watch them and try and believe what your child is saying to you. Give your child the benefit of the doubt, because nobody else will. And talk to your child about cyberbullying and about how bad it's going to hurt another person. They don't know or understand the dwindling-down effect of what they've created." Wait. What now?

Believe what your child is saying to you?! Lady, you dumbass, your kid is lying to you! She DID make those videos! And you're believing that she didn't because she says she didn't? Wow. And give your kid the benefit of the doubt? That's the last thing you should do! By the way, please DO take your own advice and DO talk to your child about cyberbullying. Granted, I don't know if I'd call what she did cyberbullying, but telling people that she's going to pop a glock in their mouth and make a brain slushie is going to really anger the Innerwebs. And as far as the effect of what they've created, do you realize that the only one to blame for what has been created is your daughter? She's the only one. This is her doing. I understand that Jessi was placed in protective custody for the weekend. It's unfortunate that she couldn't have stayed there.

Read the interview over at momlogic (it's linked above). It's seriously unbelievable. I wish that I could live in that perpetual state of denial. Holy crap. And I'm going to just guess that a lot of the havoc that has poured down upon the life of Jessi and her parents isn't going to stop any time soon. I can't imagine that it will stop without her mother having at least watched the videos that she had made. Tell you what, Jessi's clueless mother...how about you watch the videos that your daughter made and that over a million other people have watched and then the Internet might consider backing off. In the meantime, enjoy those thousands of pizzas that I understand were ordered to be delivered to your home. Oh, and the hookers that were ordered up as well. Can't have a really good pizza party without some hookers!

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Can YOU Use An ATM?

I know politicians are out of touch. You know politicians are out of touch. You know who the only ones who don't know that politicians are out of touch? Politicians. That is correct.



Take a one Senator Ben Nelson. He is a Senator from Nebraska. Now, in an article that appeared over there in the Omaha World-Herald (I don't know why there is that hyphen between World and Herald. Can't it be both? And if it can't, why aren't they able to just choose one?), Senator Nelson was "...asked this week whether Congress should cap ATM fees". That almost seems like a reasonable question. But in order for it to be completely reasonable, you have to believe that the government should be meddling in private business. Now, I'm all for reasonable fees. (Actually, I'm all for NO fees. It's a freaking ATM. Transferring money around costs the banks pennies. If they're going to charge me three bucks, I'm going to find another ATM. It's pretty simple. Can't the free market and/or supply and demand take care of this on its own? Do we really need to have Congress telling us what to do all of the time? Sweet Mother of God, I hope not.) So, technically, it was a reasonable question.

What wasn't reasonable was Senator Nelson's response. He said, “I've never used an ATM, so I don't know what the fees are,” Nelson said, adding that he gets his cash from bank tellers, just not automatic ones. “It's true, I don't know how to use one." Um, what now? You don't know how to....? An ATM?? Really? Good Lord, man....

Now, I don't know if he realized that his response wasn't exactly the most down to earth thing that anyone has ever heard or what, but he decided to do the most inadvisable thing that anyone could do in this situation. He tried to make it sound better. And you know how that tends to end. That's right. By making it worse.

He then said, "But I could learn how to do it just like I've . . . I swipe to get my own gas, buy groceries. I know about the holograms.” Oh. My. God. What I want to know is when he learned to "swipe". I also really want to know what he knows about "the holograms" and how he knows it. If I had to guess, I'd probably go with his knowledge being limited to "Ooohh! Shiny!" Turns out, it was worse than that. The article tells us "By “holograms,” Nelson clarified that he meant the bar codes on products read by automatic scanners in the checkout lanes at stores such as Lowe's and Menard's." Wait. HE clarified "holograms" to mean "bar codes"? Where has this man been living since the mid-1970s? Under a rock? Under a holographic rock, was he?And it keeps getting worse!

No, I swear! In an effort to not make himself sound like a complete, out of touch tool, he added, "I go and get my own seating assignment on an airplane...I mean, I'm not without some skills. I just haven't had the need to use an ATM.” ::: sigh :::

Wow. He gets his own seating assignment on an airplane. Yes, he clearly has skills! You might notice that he didn't say he books his own airline flights. He just knows how to go to the airport, stand in line and tell someone his name when he gets to the counter. I'm not so sure that I would call standing a "skill".

Look, how old is this guy? Hmm...it appears he was born in 1941. So he's 69. OK, I get the feeling comfortable with going into the bank to get your cash. My Mom is 78 and my uncle is 80 and they both do that. But they both also know how to use an ATM! They both also know the difference between a freaking bar code and a hologram! And finally, neither one of them would add swiping a card to pay for gas or groceries as one of their "skills".

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How to Tell if Your Wife is Pregnant

One of my many goals in life has been to have no more than ZERO children. And I'm happy to say that so far, so good. Unless anything radically changes in the near future, I should be able to hold steady at that number until the glorious day when I am officially barren! Don't get me wrong, I like kids, but I like other people's kids. As I may have mentioned before, I have no desire to be the incubator for an alien being which my body will host until it has grown to sufficient enough size that it will warrant it's unpleasant exit from my loins via a process akin to that of shoving a pot roast through one's nostril. No thanks. Other people are more than welcome to procreate if they'd like. I happen to know some excellent mothers. But like I said, if all goes well, I won't be one of them.

In the most optimal of scenarios, I'd like to think that having a kid would be something that you'd have to prepare for. And that it would be something that you'd have to plan out ahead of time. But most importantly, I'm thinking that if you're going to have a kid, you should probably pay attention to things so that you don't completely miss the fact that you were pregnant at all. Wait. What was that?

Correct. Today we go to Montcalm County, Michigan, home to Ryan and Carri Emmons. The couple recently quit smoking (and good for you guys!) and they presumed that Carri had given up one vice (the evil tobacco) for another (the glorious food) and had thus put on a "little bit of weight". Their assumption was partially true. They had quit smoking. She was eating more. She had put on weight. But the weight was due more to the fact that she was pregnant rather than just being a bit on the large side. And according to the news-press.com, that factor somehow managed to elude the both of them...right up until she gave birth in their bathtub. Oh. My. God.

I'd like to take just a brief moment here and ask WTH? I know that people say that it is possible to not know that you're pregnant for a little while at first, but throughout the entire pregnancy? How is that possible? I looked for pictures of these folks and haven't found any yet, but unless she was the size of a small house (even a teepee or a pup tent would suffice for this example) , I'm having trouble seeing how this would happen. Don't those little creatures wiggle around in there? (Ugh. Must finish blog post. Try not to pass out at thoughts of human beings growing inside of people until they're not inside anymore. Ugh. I see now I coulda done without the visual.) How could she not know?

On top of the size factor and the internal creature gestation factor, it's not like this woman didn't have any other children! No, she already has three! She should be fully aware of the policy and procedure manual for this sort of situation by now, wouldn't you think?

Apparently, I'm not the only one asking those questions. Her husband was asking the very same questions as well! And who can blame him? One minute, you have three children. The next thing you know, your wife's in the tub and just as you connect with 911, now you've got four children. Not a lot of time to get prepared for something like that in that fashion.

So the guy calls 911 and I, for one, was just happy that it was actually a legitimate 911 call. He didn't call because there were only 10 herbs and spices instead of 11 in his fried chicken or some other dumbass reason like that. No, having your wife go into labor with the mystery child and the clandestine pregnancy is a perfect reason to call 911! That's 911 material right there if there ever was any. He was about as calm as you would expect someone in his position to be. Because really, if you don't know that your wife is pregnant and she doesn't know that she's pregnant and the next thing you know, she's standing in the tub, moaning in pain and gushing blood from below the belt (Whoa! Steady now....keep typing....) you might just freak right on out. But he stayed relatively calm.

He explains to the 911 dispatcher that he thinks his wife is having a baby. "Uh, yes ma'am. My wife is in the bathroom. There's blood all over the place. She thinks she's having a baby." That theory is pretty much solidified when she yells to him that "the head is out!" The agony of moaning that follows the confirmation that the baby does have a head also backs up the "I think I'm in labor" theory. As the dispatcher, a one Angi Adams (Do all people in Michigan just drop the 'e' from the end of their names now? What's up with that?), is asking poor, shocked Ryan what his address is, he gives her an update by stating in disbelief, "Oh, my God! I'm looking at a baby!" (That keen sense of infant identification will bode well for him as a parent.)

The persistent Angi continues to try to get an address out of the poor man when he blurts out, ""I didn't know my wife was pregnant!" To which Angi responded with the only thing that you could really say with, "You didn't know she was pregnant?" Ever insistent and still in shock (and kind of sounding like he's going to cry), he says, "No, no! I had no idea my wife was pregnant!"

Ryan continues to repeat over and over, "Oh, my God. I'm looking at a baby." He also tells the dispatcher that they quit smoking recently and she had gained some weight and he thought it was from not smoking. (Psst! Someone might want to tell them it's from having sex!) It wasn't that! Nope. Sure was not from that.

At first, I was wondering if she just hadn't told him that she was pregnant, but it kind of seems that she might not have known either. If she did, she didn't seem to feel that whilst still in the tub, after just having given birth to the surprise bundle of joy, that wasn't the best time perhaps to let him know that she knew. I don't know when would be a good time for that if it were something you had to tell your husband, but I can definitely narrow it down to before the kid is born. That I'm fairly certain of.

When do you have that talk with your wife if she doesn't bring it up? I'm thinking maybe soon but it's hard to say. She could be one of those folks that just forgets things now and then! I was glad to hear him say that the kid looked like him, because that would have been an explainable reason to not mention all of the being with child to your husband if the child you were with wasn't with him! If that were the case, you would have really put yourself in an uncomfortable position (and not just because there was another human being trying to crawl it's way out of your loins). There you are, in a bathroom that your husband will likely never use again after this incident, and the kid shoots out (or whatever they do) and he wipes it off with the shower curtain or whatever is nearby and handy, and then says, "Hey! How cute! He looks just like the UPS man! ::: blink ::: :::blink :::: Wait a minute." Yeah. Awkward.

So everyone made it through the ordeal just fine. Everyone except maybe me. But I guess I can look at it as a refresher course (not that I need one, I'm just saying) to remind me just one more time why I'm striving for childlessness. If I need more reminders, I can always listen to the 911 call again as well. Fortunately, a link to the complete audio of that call is below, so if you'd like a reminder as well, feel free to listen.

Link:

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