It's Hot. So what?

Look, I know it's been hot outside. But here's a news flash: It gets hot EVERY year. Not every other year. Not once every ten years. EVERY year there is heat in the summer. And I'm pretty sure that it has been that way since the beginning of time! And do you know what people do when it's hot outside? Of COURSE you do! You do whatever you have to do to cool down. And it really doesn't take a lot of effort. Find some shade. Turn on a fan. Have some water. It's fairly simply. Those are all of the things TO DO. There are two things that you don't do. Know what they are? The first one is to stay out of the heat/try to keep cool. The second one is to not lead every damn newscast with a story about how freaking hot it is. We know! The sun is hot! Water is wet! Back to you!

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They Wore What to the Emmys?

My hell, didn't we just have an awards show to mock incessantly? I think we did! And now the Emmys are suddenly here and so here we go again! Quite frankly, it's exhausting. You'd think that they could spread 'em out a little bit and let us find our bearings again. But no. No. Instead one week after some jackass rapper interrupts the greatest moment of some little 19-year old's professional (and probably personal) life, we find ourselves once again in the position of feeling the urge to critique those in the spotlight at the Emmy Awards. How do we do it? Mediocre on most occasions, but let's give this one a whirl and see how it comes out, shall we?

First of all, if your name is January Jones, don't you have sort of an obligation to look good? To look just as sexy as your name sounds? Who would have ever thought that "January" could be thought of as sexy? But it just rolls off your tongue (kind of like you'd wish that she would) and it works. For whatever reason, it works. And so did her dress at the Emmys. Behold!

Yeah, it works. And I don't even care why. You look like that, you can get there anyway that you want. As a friend of mine once said, "I love me some January Jones." Well said.

Drew Barrymore could show up at the Emmys wearing a bathmat and she'd still look good. She'd even make the bathmat look good. Don't believe me? Behold!

Yeah, the Bed, Bath & Beyond folks really should consider getting in touch with Drew. She's just adorable. Even that woman behind her on the left with her boring, white, sleeveless top and her "I'm Michelle Obama" too high waisted skirt thinks so.

Fortunately, these were the regular Emmys where people knew to show up and not bring their pets. That would be as opposed to the Daytime Emmys where not all people knew to show up without their pets. Or without their handbag masquerading as a pet. Or was it the other way around? You tell me. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? That would be a one Stacy Haiduk from The Young and the Restless. I got a little bit restless myself looking at that cat purse there. Even though she was at the Daytime Emmys and not the regular Emmys, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to throw this in. Where else was I going to showcase it? There's hardly a call for this sort of thing...um...anywhere! But wait! As if that isn't creepy enough, how about a frontal shot? Behold!

Man, that weirds me out. As it should anyone! Back to happy! Back to happy!

Heidi Klum never ceases to look fabulous. Even when she is extremely pregnant and looking so huge that it makes me nervous, she is stunning. I want to know where you find a dress designer that can make you look this good when you are that preggers. Whoever that person is, they should get their own Emmy. I wouldn't imagine that it's an easy feat to pull off.

With Heidi Klum looking like she could drop the kid before the first commercial break, you'd think that they might require her to bring along her own, uh, person who supervises things like that at times like those. I don't know what you'd call someone like that, but perhaps Sarah Silverman has one hidden underneath her gown here. Behold!

Seriously, does it not look like she has two elves (I envision them to be the Keebler elves, mainly because it's cuter that way and because they'd likely have cookies to snack on during the down times) underneath there who are just holding up the sides, probably for no other reason than if they let them down they'd suffocate under there? She looks a little dismayed without Jimmy Kimmel by her side. Ooh! Hey! Maybe he's under there with Guillermo, his parking attendant! Um....hmmm. Some things are probably better left unknown. This is one (or two) of them. Moving on!

The disaster above is a one Phoebe Price. I cannot for the life of me figure this one out, mainly because this is her as she is arriving to the Emmys. See, if it were after the Emmys, that would make sense. A drink here, a drink there, a couple of clandestine makeout sessions behind the buffet table and you could easily come out looking like that. Hell, you could easily come out looking a lot worse than that! But before the Emmys have even started? That's perplexing. It's not as perplexing as trying to figure out just how many legs this woman actually is sporting these days. Behold!

She's like an octopus. You can't tell where anything ends and where anything else begins. The arrows all point to different areas that could, in fact, be a leg or some other sort of external appendage which may be useful or, like it's cousin, the appendix, may not be useful. It's hard to say. Your eyes just don't know where to focus. Everything just keeps coming at you from all different angles. It's quite distracting.

I've looked fairly thoroughly online to try and figure out why, exactly, this person is even at the Emmys. Never mind the pink sparkly dress covered in sequined Q-Tips or palm trees or mascara brushes or whatever they are. I know it's hard, but never mind that for right now. Why on earth is Shar Jackson at the Emmys? Wait. Who?

Yeah, that's my point. Who? Shar Jackson is the ex of K-Fed. K-Fed being the now ex-Mr. Britney Spears. That's it. That's all I've got. Oh, sure, she's had TV roles. Let's see, what was she last in? Oh, that's right! Moesha!! Seriously, why is she there? No clue. None. I can't even think of anything worth speculating about because there's nothing! So instead, I'll use this moment to throw in that K-Fed has become K-Fat since his departure from Camp Spears. Behold!

OK, that's enough (clearly) of that. Finally, we have what could possibly be the worst idea in award show dresses ever. If it is not the worst one ever (so far, of course. There's always time for some nitwit to come up with something far, far worse) it is definitely in the running. In the running with...? Glad you asked. It is at least as bad as:

Bjork and Celine Dion in 1999:

Uma Thurman in 2004 (as a cross between what appears to be Aladdin and the Swiss Miss girl):

Cher in 1986: Diane Keaton (as Charlie Chaplin in drag, apparently) in 2004:

Geena Davis in 1992: Yes, quite possibly worse than all of those. That's right. It's Victoria Powell in the Obama Tablecloth Gown. Behold!

I....I....I really don't know what to say. But President Barry is supposed to be on Letterman on Monday night. I'm going to bet that Dave will ask him about it, so I'm deferring to Dave and his interviewing skills (and the fact that he actually gets to talk to him and I, on the other hand, do not) to address this monumental failure of the Executive Branch of Red Carpet Fashion. Good Lord....

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Marketing A Guitar Hero

After almost two weeks of Guitar Hero World Tour, I can safely say that, despite a couple of obvious design flaws in the drum (with CYMBALS) set up, the thing rocks. Totally. What day is it?

Now, I have no idea how sales are going with the thing. I imagine that they're doing just fine. Video games are, as it would turn out, recession proof. They're right up there with cigarettes and alcohol. Doesn't matter how bad the economy is, people needs their smoke and people need their booze. And now people need something to do whilst smoking and drinking and so they're turned the the modern wonder that is the video game. Ah...bliss.

I don't know who is in charge of the marketing for this wonderment, but I'm wondering who they target with their ads. I'm guessing that more guys than chicks play Guitar Hero. (That's just how it is. Some chicks find out other chicks play Guitar Hero and they mock those chicks. Mock, mock, mock they do. With little icons, even! The nerve!) So, if your target audience is guys, and it's a game that they're already going to be wanting to play, how much advertising do you really need? And when you do advertise, what say you just do something so that they'll watch your commercial, OK?

This was the marketing guys first idea. A bunch of sports guys getting together and playing the game. A fine concept. But I'm a chick and regardless as to what kind, I'm here to tell you they need better looking sports guys. A-Rod and Kobe are adorable. They'd really make a cute couple if they jammed that way, you know? But then they throw in Tony Hawk on drums and Michael Phelps, who has the wingspan of a condor, on one of the guitars. Tony Hawk is wearing his skateboard helmet while playing the drums and it gives one the impression that this game might for the "special" consumer. And then when you first look at Michael Phelps, since it takes you a minute to remember that he won all of those gold medals in the regular Olympics and not the Special Olympics, and combine that with the helmeted Mr. Hawk there, and you start to wonder what kind of game this is! (And if you're me, you're also wondering what the chances are of Kobe and A-Rod hitting it off!)

But all of that oddness and matchmaking aside, at least they chose an uplifting song and pretty decent theme for the commercial that it works. Like I said, I highly doubt it's going to influence all that many people who weren't sure if they were going to buy the game or not to go out and buy it (especially since those in the commercial are portraying the consumers as Less Than 70 IQ-ers) just because of the commercial. You either get Guitar Hero or you don't (but you should) get Guitar Hero.

See what I mean? It's fun and all, but I don't think I'd be persuaded to buy the thing just because the two athletes and the two special guys all dance around in their underwear. So what would persuade someone to buy it? This:

Good Lord, how did Heidi Klum get involved with the Guitar Hero folks? Who cares?! I'll take two! (Two of the game! Geez. What'd you think I was thinking? OK, maybe I was thinking that. What's your point?)

But wait! It gets better. Turns out there was a Guitar Hero World Tour commercial that was banned! Yes, banned! Now if there's anything that's going to sell a product, it's banned marketing! Behold! The banned Guitar Hero World Tour commercial that...that....th....a...um....wha....Oh. Sorry. Um, lost my chain of thought. Where was I?

It probably wouldn't have done much in the way of sales even if they had been allowed to go ahead with that commercial. No one would be able to pick themselves up off of the floor, mop up their drool, close their jaw, and drag themselves out to buy one after seeing that. It took me half an hour just to be able to finish this post, for cryin' out loud! Oh, it just makes me wonder what they will come up with next?

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The Not-So-Shocking Sarah Palin

Sorry this is late. (Hey, Covad ISP Provider guys! Before you keep me on the phone for over an hour in the middle of the night with one of your reps in India because I lost my Internet connection, perhaps one of the first things you can have them look at is whether or not there is an outage in the area! An HOUR I was on the phone with India only to be told that there is an outage. And if you want to go one better than that, Covad guys, what say you make it so that I stop losing my Internet connection at all? Is that really necessary? It's been once a week for the past three weeks and it's cause me to become highly irritated. Oh, but thanks for recommending that I upgrade my modem for $150 when you gave me the one I have for free. Don't tell me that it's because the "one year warranty" ran out. You hand out modems left and right when people sign up, but a customer who has been with you for years, you want them to shell out $150? Screw off, Covad guys. Or fix it. Because right now, you suck.) I had an issue with my ISP. Blame them. Please.

Be prepared for a shocking statement from me regarding the world of politics. Two words: I'm confused. See? Shocking.

Do people who are actually in politics, meaning that it's their job, not understand how politics work? Clearly, at least some of them do not. That became evident after Grandpa John McCain's announcement that he has chosen Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential candidate and/or running mate. (I don't know which one it is, but it's definitely one of them.) Oh, there were things that were said by those not chosen. But they were things that perplexed me because, like I just asked, don't these guys understand how this works?

Take Tim Pawlenty (a last name that reminds me of Paws o' Plenty for some reason) for starters. Tim was supposed to be on the short list of possible selections for McCain's VP. It was a much shorter list than Tim must have thought because, according to the seemingly reasonable The Trail over there at the Washington Post, "Though it was high in shock value, the Palin pick left bruised feelings among the short-list contenders who were not picked -- and infuriated some Republican officials who privately said McCain had gone out on a limb unnecessarily, without laying the groundwork for such an unknown."

I'll get to the "shock value" part in a minute. Right now, it's all about "the short-list contenders who were not picked." Um, they did know that they wouldn't all be picked, right? That someone wouldn't make the team? Actually, that most of those on the list wouldn't make the team? I mean, I can understand being disappointed at not being chosen to run for Vice President, especially with McCain as the guy who is running for President. In that instance, you're a little closer than just a heartbeat away from the Presidency. You're the heartbeat of a guy who is 72 and has had three bouts with skin cancer away from the Presidency. That's pretty darn close.

"Two senior Republican officials close to Mitt Romney and Tim Pawlenty said they had both been rudely strung along and now "feel manipulated." " Let me get this straight. These two guys, these politicians, they feel like they have been "rudely strung along" and they also "feel manipulated", do they? Hi, we're the Public. Welcome to our world! Oh, the irony. (Not to mention all the sarcasm here.)

And now back to the "shock value" statement. OK, I've never heard of Sarah Palin. Ever. I could not have told you who ANY of the Governors of Alaska have been EVER. (There might have been a guy named Evan, but that's my best guess.) I know where Alaska IS. I know that there are way more men than women who live there. I know it's abundant in wildlife that you only see on Animal Planet. I also know they're sitting on a lot of oil. That's it, that's all I've got. Now, just because I've never heard of this woman, does that mean that I am "shocked" that John McCain chose her as his running mate? Hardly. The only thing that is "shocking" is that he didn't have a heart attack after learning that such a person existed. Here's why:

McCain touted his running mate with statements like these:

• "Someone who has fought against corruption and the failed policies of the past. Someone who stopped government from wasting taxpayers’ money on things they don’t want or need, and put it back to work for the people."
  


• "Someone who reached across the aisle and asked Republicans, Democrats and Independents to serve in government."
  
  
• "Someone who grew up in a decent, hard-working middle class family whose father was an elementary school teacher and mother was the school secretary...Both of them were coaches too, and raised their children to excel at sports."
  
  
• "...was a union member and is married to a union member, and understands the problems, the hopes, the values of working people.
  
  
• "Knows what it’s like to worry about mortgage payments and health care and the cost of gasoline and groceries."
  
  
• " A standout high school point guard, a concerned citizen who became a member of the PTA, then a city council member, and then a mayor, and now a governor."
  
  
• "A devoted wife and a mother of five."
  
  
• "She’s not from these parts and she’s not from Washington."
  

Well, thank God, she's not from Washington. OK, Grandpa John, we get it. That sounds promising, yes? Look, I'm not looking at this from the viewpoint of any party. The things he mentioned there are qualities that are going to pique the ears of those who are still trying to figure out what to do and who to vote for. So far we have a married, middle class woman with five kids, who is married to a union member, played basketball, worries about the mortgage, worked her way up to governor and isn't from Washington. What's not to like? Oh, but wait. There's more to like.

So McCain introduces Sarah Palin and how shocked was I when Tina Fey walked out? Pretty surprised, I'll give him that. I had no idea she was even up for consideration. Now that's diversity! Oh, wait. That's not Tina Fey? That actually IS Sarah Palin? Wow. She's hot. (And she's governor of Alaska where most of the residents are male. Huh. And she won an election, did she? That's a shocker.) But how cool would that have been if it were Tina Fey and then the John McCain guy unzipped his face and was really Alec Baldwin? That would have been awesome! But I digress (or fantasize, take your pick). Then Sarah Palin introduced herself to the country by providing us with informational nuggets such as these:

• "...my husband Todd. And Todd and I are actually celebrating our 20th anniversary today. And I promised him — I had promised Todd a little surprise for the anniversary present and hopefully he knows that I did deliver." (Married AND it's her anniversary. Nice touch.)


• "Todd...who is a lifelong commercial fisherman....He’s a production operator...in the oil fields up on Alaska’s north slopes and he’s a proud member of the United Steel Workers’ Union and he’s a world champion snow machine racer." (Fisherman, production operator, Steel Workers Union member and races...snow machines? Like snowmobiles? Cool! What a guy.)


• "Todd and I have shared many blessings. And four out of five of them are here with us today. Our oldest son, Track...on September 11th of last year...enlisted in the United States Army....now serves in an infantry brigade....on September 11th....will deploy to Iraq." (Five kids, the oldest one joins the US Army on September 11 and is now off the Iraq. Is the national anthem playing in the background at this point?)


• "I never really set out to be involved in public affairs, much less to run for this office." (Thank God for that.)
  
  
• "My mom and dad both worked at the local elementary school and my husband and I, we both grew up working with our hands." (The local elementary school. I'm sure I hear the anthem now.)
  
  
• "I was just your average hockey mom in Alaska." (Hockey Mom. Most excellent!)
  
  
• "I was then appointed ethics commissioner and chairman of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission. And when I found corruption there, I fought it hard and I held the offenders to account." (Wait. Held people accountable? :::gasp::: :::choke::: Medic!)


• "When oil and gas prices went up so dramatically, and the state revenues followed with that increase, I sent a large share of that revenue directly back to the people of Alaska." (Gave money to people? I like money! Sign me up!)


• "I signed major ethics reforms and I appointed both Democrats and Independents to serve in my administration." (Ethics reforms? Like she has some ethics? I like ethics, too! And not just Republicans in your administration? Huh. That's new.)
  

And then she goes on with some schmaltzy 'Thank you' and 'I'm honored' stuff that's pretty much obligatory no matter who you are or what you're running for or against. The fine, very accurately transcribing folks over there at Clips and Comment have the full text of the speech if you're interested (though they do seem to be immersed in the tank for Barry Obama).

So, again, WHY are people shocked that this was his choice? Like I said, the only thing that shocked me is that such a person even existed. She practically bleeds red, white and blue. She's been in Alaska her whole life and I don't think that Alaska is exactly a breeding ground for scandal, and that's always a bonus no matter who you are. Oh, I'm sure that there will be some dirt turned up on her from somewhere. How much dirt and what kind of dirt is what the question will be when it happens. But what she has going for her is that she represents a lot of the issues that are key to a lot of people. Union member, for cryin' out loud! Elementary school teachers. Fishermen. Steel Workers Union. Mothers. Women. Anti-corruption. Giving away money. I'm still waiting for the shocking part.

And by the way, I have no idea if she is qualified to be Vice President of the United States, but only because I don't know exactly what it is that the Vice President does except wait around for the President to die. She is anti-abortion and I have an issue with that. Again, I don't know exactly how much of a bearing the Vice President's stance on abortion has on what they do in office, but that one is kind of a deal breaker for me. I'm not saying she's perfect, nor am I saying that I'd vote for her. I'm simply saying it's far from shocking McCain picked her (unless you think McCain is incompetent and then it's beyond shocking).

What is shocking about choosing someone who represents all of those potential voters? Not much. What is shocking about not choosing one of the guys on the short list like Tim Paws o' Plenty or Mitt Romney, both of whom are rumored to still be pouting and whining, "It's not fair!"? Yeah, I can't imagine what McCain was thinking there (or can I?). And really, what is shocking about choosing someone who looks like Tina Fey is smoking hot? Who cares? All I know is that if Sarah Palin ends up being Vice President of the United States, Tina Fey must rejoin the cast of Saturday Night Live immediately. Look at it this way, if nothing else, we just might end up with four years of some of the best late night comedy we've had in a long time. Priorities, don't you know?

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It's Not THAT Hot Out

Look, I know it's hot outside. It's July. It's supposed to be hot. (And not because of "global warming". Just because of "July".) But that's no excuse. For anything. Let alone...well....this.

According to the Springfield News Sun, in Dayton (that's in Ohio) when a bunch of restaurant workers arrived for work, they were greeted by one of the neighbors who was sitting on his porch. Nude. And masturbating.

They, naturally, called the police. The police arrived and, lo and behold (brother and sister of flora and fauna) there was the man, a one John C. Hibbitts. On his porch. Still nude. Still masturbating. Being police officers (who are clearly not paid anywhere near enough what they should be when it comes to dealing with stuff like this), they asked the man what he was doing. (Yes, I'm sure that they did KNOW what he was doing. That sort of thing, well, you know. It kind of speaks for itself. NO! It doesn't really speak. Good Lord, if that were the case, they wouldn't have called the cops, they would have called the circus.)

His reply? "It's OK. I'm a nudist. It's hot out." Wait. What?

Eight little words, yet with so many things wrong them. First of all, it is NOT OK. I swear. It is NOT OK to be doing...that on your porch, for cryin' out loud! Second, you're only a nudist if you're in a place where it's OK to be a nudist. A place like a nudist camp, for example. Or a nudist beach. Those are places where you can have no clothes on and be a nudist and it will be perfectly OK. If you're on your porch without any clothes on and you say you're a nudist, you're not. You're just a perverted naked guy who's sitting on his porch.

Finally, while I'm going to assume that you have spent a great deal of time honing your craft there, I'm also going to assume that regardless as to the level of prowess which you may have achieved through your assumed diligence over the years (or over breakfast, in this case. Apparently.), I highly doubt that you are able to do so in such a fashion that it would suffice enough as to generate a small breeze which would cool you down on a hot day! It's not a wind turbine, sir! (And no one needs OR wants alternative energy badly enough to have it generated like that!)

This little incident gives a whole new meaning to the term "heat stroke", by the way.

Of course, the five words that usually explain things like this were applicable. Those words being "alcohol may have been involved". The indicator was the half empty 40-ounce container of alcohol out there on the porch with Mr. Hibbitts and Mr. Spanky.

It was after the man got dressed that the police arrested him and charged him with public indecency. I hope that cop car was air conditioned. It's hot out, you know.

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