Trumping Trump

Last night was the White House Correspondents Dinner. I would love to attend that wingding one day (and not just because the super cute Seth Myers is usually in attendance), but I had thought it was just for journalists and the media. I apparently thought wrong. Very wrong. There's hope for me yet. I saw Paula Abdul there, for cryin' out loud. And my arch nemesis Morgan Fairchild was even in the audience. (Yes, there's a story behind that one. You can email me if you must have the sordid details of why I will likely hold a lifelong grudge against Ms. Fairchild.) So I don't see why I can't go.

Below are the two halves of Seth Meyers humorous speech. Yes, I realize that it's long, but I find Seth Meyers to be intellectually amusing, so it doesn't seem quite as long. Regardless, if you're just interested in the good stuff, skip the first one and catch the second one. I think it's right after the first two minutes that he starts in on Donald Trump. And while his Trump jokes might not have been that great, Trump's reaction to them is that great. He sits there stonefaced and doesn't even crack a wisp of a smile. Welcome to the public world of politics, Donald. People don't care how rich you are or how great you think you are. You're going to get made fun of. I mean, with that hair along, how could you not?

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Hot When He's Shirtless Matt Lauer's Tell Nothing Interview

If there was a new reality show called "Real Asshats of Washington, DC", Tareq and Michaele Salahi would be the stars. As you may or may not choose to be familiar with them, Tareq and Micheale were the two jokers who thought it amusing to weasel their way into the State Dinner at the White House last week. Don't get me wrong, this is a story that is more about lackadaisical job performance at the Secret Service and more about national security than it is whether or not these two did anything wrong by sneaking in. By FAR the story is more about how this could have been allowed to happen rather than the two assclowns who pulled it off.

But if you were ever looking for a walking definition of media whores, these two would fit that bill. Holy crap, they've been photographed with just about every celebrity you can think of. Not to mention the fact that they seemed to have pushed their bodies up against almost every politician out there that you've had to hear about. Here they are at some dinner with crooked Congressman Charlie Rangel. Of course, as seems to be their way, they weren't invited to that dinner either and were booted. Could the security folks at that function give an inservice to the Secret Service please?

Now, even though the Salahis had been shopping their story for a mere $500,000, they continued their tradition of lying about everything and denied that was the case. As if to prove that they would never stoop so low as to demand a half million they appeared on the Today show with the incredibly well built Matt Lauer. Right out of the gate, Matt asked them if they were being paid for this interview and they denied it. I'm sure that it will come out later if they had been paid in some way for the interview, but considering they only did the one show, I'm guessing that they either were actually paid or actually expect to be paid or will be be paid for a future interview. (That's probably how they got around it, actually. They do this one for free, that way they can say that they weren't paid for this interview, then they do the other one and that question isn't asked and they do get paid. Weasely, weasely. But taking another look at shirtless Matt Lauer over there, I'm good with his weaselness. As long as he keeps his shirt off, he can join the Ku Klux Klan for all I care.)

Now, I've included the full video of their interview below, but I just want to hit upon the highlights. First of all, it's come to my attention that Tareq, he's the dude, is three years younger than Michaele! HOW is that possible?! On top of THAT, Wikipedia (take it for what it's worth) lists him as being three years younger than her. Um, really? And on top of THAT, they list him as being only 41!! Wow. Someone did not age well.

Lauer read them part of a statement from Pentagon official Michelle Jones which stated: "I did not state at any time, or imply that I had tickets for ANY portion of the evening's events. I specifically stated that they did not have tickets and in fact that I did not have the authority to authorize attendance, admittance or access to any part of the evening's activities. Even though I informed them of this, they still decided to come." Hmm. Seems pretty straightforward to me. Seems like Matt should have a pretty easy question based upon that statement.

Super Hot When He's Shirtless Matt Lauer: "Do you disagree with what Michelle Jones says in that statement?"

And now I trust that Mr. Salahi will have a pretty easy answer based upon that question.

Not Good At Lying Tareq Salahi: "Well, what we're going to do...we're definitely going to work with the Secret Service and um, you know, and our, and, uh,uh, and you know, between Michaele and I, um, to really shed light on this, and we're going to be coming up to New York, sitting on your couch. We're going to show you, uh, documentation, um, uh, from emails that, uh, you know, that you'll get a chance to see."

What? I'm sorry, I must have gotten distracted or something because I completely missed the part of your response where you either said "yes" or "no". It WAS a "yes or no" question, after all. What does sitting on Matt Lauer's couch have to do with anything?

I also enjoyed this bit of the interview:

Equally Bad At Lying Michaele Salahi: "We were invited, not crashers, and there isn't anyone who would have the audacity or the poor behavior to do that. No one would do that, and certainly not us." Um, this is America. We thrive on audacity. Have you not met America?

Super Hot When He's Shirtless Matt Lauer: "Who invited you?" (Here's where it gets good.)

Still Bad At Lying Tareq Salahi: "Well, you know, Matt, um, one of the things that we're doing is, um, we're working closely with the Secret Service and their, uh, internal investigation..."

Still Equally Bad At Lying Michaele Salahi: "Respect everything they do..."

Continuing to Lie Poorly Tareq Salahi: "We're respecting their timeline and..."

Still Butting In And Lying Michaele Salahi: "And what they need to do." (Nodding assertively (the classic sign of a liar who can't answer the question, "Who da heck invited y'all?")

Trying To Get A Lying Word In Edgewise Tareq Salahi: "...and we're working on that timeline. We want to get through that process. Uh, we've been very candid, uh, with them. We've turned over, uh, documentation to them, um, and, uh, will continue to work with!...uh, the US Secret Service completely, um all the way through this process."

Um, what? You know, I can remember when I was little and someone would be having a birthday party and they'd send out invitations. (I was forced to socialize back then.) If I was asked by my Mom or my Dad or anyone "Who invited you?" to the party, I'd be able to whip out my little invitation (usually with some cute little doggie or kitty on it, though I doubt the White House has doggies and/or kitties on their State Dinner invites, but I guess you never know, what with the new administration and all) and tell them who invited me. I wouldn't be sitting there and start spinning some yarn about how I'm working closely with the parents of my friends and respecting their timeline and showing them documents (which may or may not contain a doggie or a kitty) and working my way through their process. No, I'd just show them the damn invite and retreat to my room.

Clearly these folks are liars. They busted their way past the Secret Service security and managed to shake hands with President Barry. We (the United States "we") are lucky that these folks weren't the violent kind of crazy (as opposed to the sedate kind of crazy that they actually are) and went after President Barry's jugular with a salad fork or something.

It seems that Matt needed to set the scene for these guys to act all butthurt and stuff so that they'll really look like morons when it comes out how badly they were lying, so he led into that realm with: "You wake up to the headlines that say 'White House party crashers'. What was your reaction when you saw the headlines?"

Clueless Michaele Talahi: Devastated.

Agreeable And Equally Clueless Tareq Talahi: Very saddened to see that.

Super Hot When He's Shirtless Matt Lauer: "Why devastated?"

Really Believing People Are Buying This Crap Michaele Talahi: "Shocked. Devastated. Um, we knew, um the facts, that with time, you know, our side of the story and everything will be heard and right now it's just, um, been really unbearable to go through."

Super Hot When He's Shirtless Matt Lauer: "Do you feel as if you've been mischaracterized in the media?"

Trying To Appear The Pathetic Victim Tareq Talahi: "No question. Unfortunately we've been mischaracterized through the media. and our homes have been invaded and it's been devastating to Michaele and I..."

Playing Up The Poor Me Facade Michaele Talahi: "Our lives have been destroyed."

Following His Wife's Lead Tareq Talahi: "Our lives have really been destroyed."

Not Trusting Her Husband To Handle This One Michaele Talahi: "Everything we've worked for, Matt. Um, for me....44 years. Just...destroyed."

Um, destroyed? Destroyed how? You're on the Today show with super hot Matt Lauer. Destroyed? Because you were called a "party crasher"? THAT is destructive material right there? I don't think it is. I'll tell you what else I think. I think if you're going to consider your life "devastated" because someone called you a "party crasher", you're going to need to toughen up a little bit. If that "devastates" you, you're so damn soft it's a wonder you can stand upright without collapsing into a ball of mush. Spare me. Devastated. Someone left me a comment here about a month ago and called me a complete idiot. Was I devastated? Hardly. I found it to be hil-arious.

These people are Class A morons. There is no way that they had a legitimate invite to that wing ding and they know it. I don't know what they're hoping to accomplish by going on national TV and lying about it. Whatever it was though, I guarantee it will backfire on them. They have just put themselves under the microscope that is the modern day cable media. Whatever they have in their past or in the current lives will be coming out shortly. Then their lives might be destroyed. Now? Not so much. Give it time, though. They'll set the stage to have their lives destroyed soon enough.

The video of the devastated morons with the destroyed lives is below. Enjoy.

Whoops. I take that back. The video is NOT below because whenever I try to embed the thing with the code that I copy from over there at MSNBC, it gives me a clip to The Rachel Maddow Show. I have nothing against Rachel Maddow, but she's not Matt Lauer interviewing the Salahis. So you can go to the Today show website (provided at that lovely link right there) and watch it that way. Sorry for the inconvenience, but don't blame me or Rachel Maddow. And for God's sake, don't blame Matt Lauer either. We need to keep him happy and shirtless from time to time. It's not his fault!

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Ale to the Chief

Finally. Gatesgate is finally over. Either that or it's just beginning. And I'm not sure which one I'd prefer. As long as it isn't in the damn headlines every single day, simply rehashing the same stuff over and over. But I suspect we're going to have to hear about this "beer bonding" that these three did for a while.

Has there ever been so many flapping gums that completely miss the entire point of what they're flapping about other than this beer summit thing? Oh, sorry President Barry. It's not a "beer summit". That's right. What did you call it? Oh, yeah. "This is three folks having a drink." So...what? Did Biden crash the party or something? Behold!

Good Lord, had I known Biden was going to be there, I would have been more enthused about the whole thing! Have you heard the guy talk when he's sober?! He is a sound bite per minute, that Vice President Biden is. Get a few drinks in him and look out! Maybe he'll get really drunk like Mel Gibson and call someone "Sugar Tits" (probably President Barry). Yeah, in my dreams that would happen! But I still couldn't help but hoping that's how this little powwow would turn out. My perfect scenario would have had them all (as Jimmy Fallon put it) "doing Jaeger shots out of Betsy Ross's thimble", followed by an exchange of words and everyone stripping down to the waist as a slight scuffle ensued and finally breaking up when Sergeant Crowley broke out his Taser and started showing folks just how Mr. Zappy there works. How GREAT would that have been?! Pretty great!

But alas, none of that was to be. ::: sigh ::: Instead, they all came together as one! Now, is it just me or is it a little odd that each one of them got to choose what brand of beer they wanted to drink? AND they all chose something different. Yep, everyone coming together as one and doing it separately, that was their goal! (By the way, I think that Professor Gates was making or retracting some sort of political statement with his choice in beverage. He had originally requested Red Stripe (a beer which hails from Jamaica and which I find extremely unpleasant), but then word had it that he was drinking Samuel Adams. Soooooo....did he start off with the Red Stripe as a statement of his heritage and then worry that was going to make him seem too radical and so he went with Samuel Adams, the great American patriot who was likely not a brewer of any sort of beer? I just found it interesting that he switched, is all.)

And they drank it out of mugs. And they had snacks in a silver bowl on the table. What the hell? All that was left for them to do was to join hands and start up a rousing chorus of Kum-Bi-Ya. Seriously, though, what's with the Chex Mix in the silver bowl? It's Chex Mix for cryin' out loud! You're in the ROSE garden. You're drinking out of GLASS mugs. You've got some crunchy snacks in a SILVER bowl. Y'all are wearing TIES. What a bunch of wusses y'all looked like. (Except for Sgt. Crowley. He looked rather uncomfortable with the whole thing. Not uncomfortable in the sense that he wanted to leave or didn't want to be there, but uncomfortable in the sense that he wished he could loosen his tie and that these other folks would do the same. It's hard to be relaxed and try to work things out when you've got a little noose around your neck.)

Up until the beer was poured into the mugs (which didn't even appear to be chilled! Have they no sense of the common man over there at the White House?!), this had been billed as being a "teachable moment". Yet when the "teachable moment" rolled around, the press weren't allowed anywhere near the pansies. (And they couldn't go around the flowers either!) They took a few pictures, just so that they can prove that it actually happened? But there was no audio. There was no video. None of that. We don't even know if they FINISHED their beers! Er, beer. I think they all had A beer. Well, whoop-de-whoop! They're animals!

So not only do we not know if they finished their beers or not, we have no idea what they talked about other than there were no apologies and that two men agreed to disagree. Too bad that one of those men couldn't have agreed to disagree as to whether he should show the other one his ID to prove that he lived in the house. Had it been that simple THEN I highly doubt we'd be having this discussion.

I'm having a hard time supporting President Barry on the decision to get involved in this. Yeah, I know he said that the police acted "stupidly". Why couldn't he just have explained that comment the same way? Just said that HE acted "stupidly" and went on with his day? No, he had to play the fake-peacemaker and act like he was mediating at the G-20 summit (only it would have been the G-2 summit and that just takes all the ooomph out of it for me).

If it was such a "teachable" moment, what did we learn? I'll tell you. We learned that it is apparently just fine to yell and scream and call someone a racist, a racist cop, a rogue cop and someone who shouldn't even be a cop and to say those things directly to media so that they will be heard by the entire world. That seems to be OK. And it also seems to be OK, after you're done running someone's character through the mud, to NOT apologize for calling them a racist. That seems to be alright as well. And finally, it would seem that after you've behaved as poorly as one did, you know, with all of the calling the other person "a racist", you can expect to go to the White House and sit down and have a beer with the President and Vice President. But you WILL have to stop yelling "Racist!" for a little while so that you can feign interest in what anyone else is saying. Deal? Deal!

What a joke. It makes me more aware of how politicians work. And President Barry is the KING of having things appear as if they're getting done or that some good is going to come out of something and then just quietly moving on to the next thing without even acknowledging how something else is going or how it turned out. He's very smooth that way. Or weaselly. Your choice. Do weasels drink beer?

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Perhaps A More Timely Messenger Next Time?

All right, I'm done. I have had enough of this enamorment that the White House seems to have with celebrities. I've also had enough of President Barry acting like a rock star as he climbs higher and higher up atop his homemade pedestal so that all of his loyal subjects may worship him appropriately. Or inappropriately. Whatever it is, I'm freaking sick of it. Oh, and I'm sick of G-D Ashton Kutcher, too.

Look, I'll give Ashton this much: He does seem to have somewhat of a following with those in the 25 and younger crowd. I think. And while being able to reach a specific audience of people is commendable and definitely desirable, is there a reason why President Barry feels that it should be Ashton Kutcher? Because while I like the idea of an individual being able to engage the masses, I'd prefer it if I actually had just the slightest notion that the person in that position actually knew what in the hell they were talking about and could present such viewpoints in a clear fashion.

Actually, in the case of Ashton Kutcher, I'd like it if he could present his viewpoint at all. I have NO idea if he knows his ass from a hole in the ground when it comes to some of the country's more pressing issues. But yet he just continues to amass a bunch of sheeplike followers who will, in turn, continue to spread whatever message it is that he wants them to in a similar sanctimonious manner. Sure, that sounds like a great idea. Just blindly follow someone because they're "famous" and you won't go wrong! Good message to send. Yeah, that should help.

Tonight as I was perusing the Internet (that's right, for porn) I saw this headline over there at Politico.com: "New White House Messenger? Ashton Kutcher" Now, because of the question mark after 'Messenger', I initially thought that it was going to be about Ashton lobbying for himself for something, anything to do with President Barry and his staff of obedient minions. Turns out that the question mark should have been after "Kutcher" as that's how you end up saying the whole sentence after you've read that the White House tapped Ashton Kutcher to (wait for it) "...help get the word out about National HIV Testing Day." ::: blink ::: ::: blink ::: What now?

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. They wanted him to help get the word out....by using Twitter.

Wait. Twitter? Twitter?

Oh, my GOD!! We are freaking doomed!! WHAT?!?!!?

Correct. According to those Politico folks, on Sunday, June 28, Ashton tweeted: "I've been asked by the white house to twet this" and then he a link to a White House blog post which had a video mentioning the 14th commemoration of National HIV Testing Day. The Politico guys seemed to have the same thought that I had which was WTF? Seemingly aware of how much Ashton digs his own act, they checked to see if the White House had really stooped to a level that is unprecedented, if my recent memory of how Presidential administrations "get the word out". Turns out, sadly, they did.

Their answer was given by a one Reid Cherlin who is the White House assistant press secretary. He said, "As technology impacts how and where people are communicating online, we are constantly looking for new ways to engage with the public. Our efforts to promote National HIV Testing Day included participation from popular users of Twitter, as well as broad social media engagement by agencies across the government.” It's over. We're putting messages to be delivered via mass communication methods in the hands of Kelso.

Might I make the suggestion that if you're interested in ways to "engage with the public" you might want to try using someone other than a celebretard to do so. You're not so much "engaging" the public as you are trying to render them starstruck.

But wait! There's more! How effective is this strategy going to be? Hard to say. But I'll tell you this much: I think his "message" might have held a little more weight with those who are over 25 (and even with those who think that Ashton is a moron, and there's no age limit for that!) if he hadn't whored himself out as the White House messenger boy. Did he HAVE to mention that our Presidential Administration is so pathetic that they're calling him up and asking him to Twitter? A bunch of Twitiots are running the show. Great!

But you know what else? You know what I would have appreciated even more than that? I would have really, REALLY liked it if he had sent the tweet BEFORE National HIV Testing Day was OVER! Wait. What now?

Correct. National HIV Testing Day was June 27, 2009. According to Politico, he sent the tweet on Sunday which was the 28th. So.....I'm still trying to figure out the purpose of all of this. You're sending Ashton Kutcher as the messenger, but he's a day late. Is he playing the part of the village idiot as well? Seems to me it was more about show than about any sort of real investment in the promotion. Oooh!! But it was a 'celebrity' who brought the message twenty four hours late, so it's OK! He's famous! He was in the movie "Dude, Where's My Car?" I'm so glad that the White House has his cell number! Otherwise, how else would we the public have known that we totally MISSED National HIV Testing Day?!

If I never see or hear about Ashton Kutcher on my Internets ever again, it will be too soon. And if I ever see or hear about Ashton Kutcher "tweeting for Obama", I'm movin' to Canada, America's Hat.

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Not Eggs-actly What I Had In Mind

Please stop with all of the "going green" proclamations on things that are just silly. If you're GM or you're PG&E or you're Dell or you're Chevron and you want to "go green", have at it. But if you're just going to claim that you're "green" just to be cool or to come across as devoted to the environment and the saving thereof, please don't. Again, don't get me wrong, I'm all for saving the planet and I'm all for doing things that are environmentally responsible. Please do whatever you can to conserve resources and use/waste less. Just as long as those things that you do don't cause others to roll their eyes back into their head.

Take for example, the festivities at the White House this past Easter weekend for the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. Apparently this tradition has been around since the 1800s and it's hard to tell where or why it got its start. While it may sound like a side dish at a Chinese restaurant, the Egg Roll at the White House is quite different and actually involves real eggs (unlike the tasty appetizers). And it's just what it sounds like it is: A bunch of children rolling eggs across the White House lawn with long spoons. Granted, you'd have to surmise a bit to guess the part about the long spoons, but really, how else would you go about it? Exactly.

According to those who are presumably monitoring all the Christians over there at the Christian Science Monitor, President Barry spoke to the crowd, estimated to be around 30,000. (Really?! 30k? Did they all know what it was that they were there for? Seriously, how many of them showed up because they thought someone said "Keg Bowl" and were hoping for free beer? Plenty, I'm almost certain of it.) His words of wisdom (or something) included the following: "This is one of the greatest White House traditions because it reminds us that this is the people’s house.” What in the hell does that mean?

Rolling perfectly good hard boiled eggs across the grass with a spoon reminds you that you're living in the "people's house"? Right. Because you don't always have the time to venture out into the society that you lead where you can see us all in our day-to-day element. Getting up, going to work, rolling our eggs across our lawns (in lieu of eating them as a regular person or an animal would do) like absolute morons. Yep! I can see why the Easter Egg Roll reminds you of your dumb, dumb subjects that you reign over. Thanks for that, President Barry.

Oddly, even though the Easter Egg Roll tradition still continues at the White House, all other egg-themed events that once took place on the same day have not carried over into modern times. Events such as "egg picking", "egg ball" and "egg croquet" have come and gone without a lot of fanfare. And is it any wonder, really? Seems to me like all they were doing was taking any game or sport that was out there and putting "egg" in the title and then, presumably, using a real egg to play the game. "Baseball" or "basketball" becomes "egg ball". "Ice hockey" becomes "egg hockey". "Polo"? You got it, "Eggs and Horses". You know, it's not like they had the Internet in the 1800s to waste all of their time on. You'd think that they could have spent their time thinking up better names or something. Why the half-assed effort?

The big deal at the end of the day is when the souvenir eggs are distributed to folks as they leave. I guess they used to give out paper certificates, but who wants that? What the people want is something more tangible, more commemorative, and more able to fetch a higher price on eBay. But this year's egg wasn't just any ol' commemorative egg. No, this year the egg was an (wait for it) "environmentally friendly" egg. Wait. What?

Yep. The wooden eggs are supposed to be environmentally friendly. Um, they're made of wood. They are the environment! How does one get more friendly than the environment itself? I don't know! Since you can buy your own egg this year for the low, low price of seven bucks from the National Parks Foundation, I wandered over to their website to learn more about the "green" eggs. The first thing I learned was that they did not come with ham, a situation which I found very disappointing. The next thing I learned was that "Each egg is made in the U.S. from FSC-Certified hardwood from sustainably managed forests." I have no idea if in previous years the eggs were made out of wood harvested directly from the rainforest or what, but they seem to think that the sustainable forest wood is an improvement from before. I don't know if it really is or not, but I do think it's a bit silly.

Heading back over to the Christian Science Monitor, I also learned that the eggs "...use 31 percent less paperboard than the one from 2008. And it eliminates the need for the paper shred/filler." Less paperboard? Wait a minute. I thought they were wooden eggs? They're telling me now that they're made out of cardboard?! Cardboard isn't wood. If it was, you know what they'd call it? Wood! That's right!

Back over at the White House, they claim the cardboard eggs will be colored with "renewable, vegetable oil-based inks" and that the eggs will "... feature an “egg-shaped die cut instead of a cellophane window." Again, I ask, what were they dying the eggs with in previous years that was such an abomination? A dye based out of the remains from baby harp seals? Coal? Were we dying them with coal? Lead-y paint from China, perhaps? As far as the cut, I have no idea what that means and the picture of the eggs is far from helpful. Behold! An egg that may or may not feature an egg-shaped die cut!

Wouldn't it have been even more environmentally friendly to not dye the eggs at all? Just slap a sticker on them or give 'em a good carving and voila! Off to eBay they go! Wouldn't it also have been even more environmentally friendly if the eggs were made from recycled something. I don't know if it's wood or cardboard or what, but I'm thinking if they were made from recycled products, it would be better than using all new environmentally friendly stuff to make these eggs.

I'm beginning to get the feeling that President Barry's administration doesn't think the public is all that bright. First the denial of the bow at Bow-Gate (which they're still inexplicably denying for some reason. Go figure.) and now the introduction of the allegedly "environmentally friendly" and not wooden eggs whose vegetable based dyes may or may not have come from the new White House garden. (That'll be the next claim. Just wait.)

Tell you what. If you want to be the environmentally conscious President that you're trying to be by throwing around the "green" label whenever you can, how about rather than the "green" eggs and no ham, instead you stop flying around on Air Force One all over the place and "green" up a little bit that way? That's the kind of change I can get behind. These environmentally friendly commemorative Easter eggs? Not so much.

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