Random Thoughts du Jour

A few random thoughts....

There's going to be "Ocotmom - The Musical". I know, I know. People clearly have no shame. It's hard to say who is at a lower level, Octomom herself or the folks doing the musical. And according to bangstudio.com, the group putting on the shenanigans would be Cabaret Voltaire and they're currently looking for someone to play the role of OctoNutJob! Here's what they want:

Female, Mid 20’s - mid 30’s. Funny, whimsical, but not too charactery. (Not too charactery?! Have you SEEN her lately? OK, maybe I'm thinking cartoon charactery, but still.) She should be able to command authority, play broad range of facial expressions (expressions that will convey emotions such as "Eight?" "I'm not on welfare" and "I'm not a celebrity, but make sure you take pictures of my good side."), plus physical comedy. Sketch and improv experience a plus. Likable, energetic and at the same time able to be emotionally expressive and believable (and at the same time, un-believable). Can handle musical theatre and pop styles a plus. Actress who can move (including the ability to dodge questions left and right).

My only question is this: If you pay $20 to go see this thing, well....OK, I have two questions. The first one is: If you pay $20 to go see this thing, can I have all of the rest of your money? My second question is if you go to see this thing and you're in one of the front few rows, is it going to be like a Gallagher performance where everyone has to wear rain coats and plastic ponchos to protect themselves from flying debris?

Meanwhile, elsewhere in my brain.....

I've heard more than one news outlet report that the difficult economy is driving people to commit suicide. Really? Wow. I certainly hope I don't get that! That'd be horrible. I don't want to commit suicide! Oh, wait. That's right. I don't have to worry about that because it doesn't happen!
If...Paula...Ab...dul....could...stop....talking...in...such...a.halting....manner...it...

could...maybe...help..her....to....finish...a...com...plete...sentence....one...of...

these...days....But...even....if...she....could...speak...fluently....I....doubt....it....

would...help....her....make...more...sense. Seriously. Last night, she compared Adam Lambert to Michael Phelps. She said that every week "...it's like watching the Olympics and you're our Michael Phelps." Huh. Funny. I don't remember seeing Adam Lambert up there with a bong. Oh, wait. That's right. Paula probably had it.

Sunday on Celebrity Apprentice, Melissa Rivers, daughter of Joan, was fired by The Donald. Mother Joan didn't care for that too much and embarked on an amusing rant directed at Annie Duke and Brande Roderick. Among the myriad of insults that she hurled were gems such as, "I met your people in Las Vegas. None of them have last names. You’re a poker player. A poker player! That’s beyond white trash. Poker players are trash, darling, trash." Um, perhaps Joan is unaware that Annie Duke has won millions of dollars and a World Series of Poker bracelet playing poker. Not too many white trash folks can claim that. (Oh, she also compared her to Hitler. Again with the Hitler! Just to review, comparing Hitler and anyone else? NOT the same.)

Bonus Celebrity Apprentice: As Joan and her daughter, the newly ousted Melissa, were in the elevator (presumably to take them straight down to hell) as the doors were closing and in a show of excellent sportsmanship, not to mention CLASS, Melissa Rivers shouted, "Lying f**king whores." Huh. Apple. Tree. Stay classy, Rivers girls.

Meanwhile, over in New York, a 747 plane followed by two F-16 fighters did a flyby of downtown office buildings and the Statue of Liberty in Manhattan on Monday, sparking a panic amongst office workers (can you blame them?). Turns out there was no need to panic, it was just a White House photo-op in order to get pictures of Air Force One in front of some US landmarks. The problem was that no one was notified that this was going to be occurring, which accounted for the panicked deja vu reaction of practically everyone in the vicinity. And all of this at the low, low cost of only $328,835! First of all, I don't know who could possibly be so stupid that they would schedule this stunt and not tell anyone in New York about it. But aside from that, we live in the world of Photoshop. If you want pictures of Air Force One in front of the Statue of Liberty, then do it....from your computer! Cut and paste the Statue in the background and voila! Air Force One in front of the Statue of Liberty! Yep, your tax dollars hard at work, folks.

The swine flu thing is something to be concerned about, but I've learned that there's something to be even more concerned about. A different disease (not cancer) has killed 13,000 people in this country alone since January. So far, the swine flu has killed zero people in this country. The other disease? That's right...regular flu. Holy crap! The regular ol' flu kills around 36,000 people here in the US every year. That's like 100 people a day! Why aren't we talking about that ALL THE TIME?

A one Megan McAllister, the fiance of alleged Craigslist Killer, a one Philip Markoff, had been sticking to her belief/fantasy that his arrest had all been a terrible mistake and that he wasn't the one responsible for killing at least one woman and also for robbing at least one prostitute. She even issued a statement about a week ago denouncing the arrest and proclaiming that she still loved the guy and still planned to marry him in August. Now that's some loyalty right there. But lately, it seemed as if she was wavering on that loyalty. Hard to say what might have made her waver on that belief. Maybe it was the gun that they found inside of a hollowed out copy of Gray's Anatomy in his apartment. Perhaps the video surveillance tape with a guy on it that looks remarkably like Mr. Markoff. Or it could have been the victim's underwear that were also in his apartment. Regardless, the band that had been booked for their wedding is suddenly available on that date! Imagine! Of course, that still doesn't mean that she thinks he did it or anything. It just means that she's realized that he will likely be busy on that particular date and it would be best to wait until he has an opening in his calendar. Or an opening in the bars on the windows that he can crawl out of because that's going to be about the only way he'll be attending any wedding in the near future. Or in the far future.


I think that should do it for now. Cleared out a little space in my brain to make room for new and exciting bits of minutiae and mundane information. Stay tuned, won't ye?

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A Day of Food In Pictures

So the other day I was chatting about Michael Phelps's caloric intake in a given day when he is in Olympic Swimming God mode. (I was also ruminating on how he doesn't have a decent nickname. Did Mark Spitz, the guy who keeps hearing the sound of Michael Phelps shattering all of his Olympic records, have a nickname? I don't think he did, so I guess it's OK if Phelps doesn't have one either. The best I could come up with was Aquaman, but that doesn't seem right for some reason. What could Aquaman do? Swim underwater? Talk to creatures in the sea? Great. Those are also all of the characteristics of Spongebob Squarepants. It needs to be more than that.) The guy eats 12,000 + calories per day when he's getting ready for the Olympics. You know it's a lot if CNN did a story about it. (Wait. Never mind. I take that back. CNN did a story the other day about primates throwing their own feces. News I can use? I don't think so. But they did do a story about the dietary habits of Olympic athletes in training and, from what I could tell, none of those athletes threw any feces, so it made for a pretty good read.)

Yeah, it's a hell of a lot of food. We KNOW that. Let's see what it looks like, shall we? Behold! A pictorial of Michael Phelps's daily caloric intake!

• BREAKFAST:

• 3 FRIED EGG SANDWICHES WITH CHEESE, LETTUCE, TOMATOES, FRIED ONIONS, AND MAYONNAISE.

• A FIVE EGG OMELET

• A BOWL OF GRITS


• THREE SLICES OF FRENCH TOAST WITH POWDERED SUGAR
  



• THREE CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES




• TWO CUPS OF COFFEE.

That was just breakfast. We still have two more meals to go.

• LUNCH
  
• ONE POUND OF PASTA WITH TOMATO SAUCE
  

• TWO LARGE HAM AND CHEESE SANDWICHES WITH MAYONNAISE ON WHITE BREAD
  

• MORE THAN ONE ENERGY DRINK
  
  
  
  

Finally we made it to dinner. If it was anyone other than Michael Phelps, we wouldn't have had time for swimming because our entire day would be spent consuming all of this food.

• DINNER:

• ONE POUND OF PASTA WITH TOMATO SAUCE

• SIX TO EIGHT SLICES OF PIZZA

• MORE THAN ONE ENERGY DRINK

That's ONE day's worth of food for a guy who is piling up world records and gold medals left and right at the Beijing Olympics. But if I or anyone else were to consume that amount of food in one day, we'd need to add a couple of more things to that regimen to top it all off.

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Michael Phelps' "Special" Diet

Mainly, I've been in the camp that prefers that news articles/stories have as much information about the topic as possible. But I'm seriously considering setting up camp somewhere else because too many news stories are being infiltrated by idiots with valid credentials that give them some sort of credence to speak about the topics they're asked to comment on. The problem with that is that when you read what they have to say, it becomes obvious that they're idiots. However, it is not as obvious to the idiot that they are, in fact, an idiot. Actually, it would appear that they would think that you are the idiot after you read the "wisdom" that they contributed to the story.

An example would be this story about Michael Phelps. Phelps is the US swimmer guy who is going to break every world record in swimming at this year's Olympics. The guy is ridiculously fast. It's insane. (He also is without a nickname, which I find troubling. The closest thing to a nickname that I've heard people call him is "The Human Dolphin". What the hell kind of a nickname is that? Granted both Michael Phelps and a dolphin can swim really fast, can hold their breath underwater, are mammals, and have silky smooth skin, but it still doesn't justify a nickname like "The Human Dolphin". Besides, even if that was his nickname, everyone would just start calling him "Flipper".)

Maybe it's hard to come up with a nickname for him because he's not overly charismatic. Oh, sure, he seems like a nice guy and all, but there's nothing overly "special" about him. Unless you count that he looks like he might be kind of "special", but I don't think that you can have a nickname that was inspired by your looking like you should be at the Special Olympics instead. And it doesn't help that he's always interviewed right after he's done swimming (and breaking some record) and he's panting as he stands there and drips next to the interviewer. So he's looking a little slow and he looks like a mouth breather. Yep. Hard to come up with a nickname that isn't going to be slander-icious with circumstances like those.

According to Phelps, all he does it "eat, sleep and swim". That's it. And the eating portion takes up a substantial amount of time, given that the man consumes 12,000+ calories a day. A DAY. The normal daily caloric intake for a human that is not a "human dolphin" is somewhere around 2,000. So Michael Phelps' daily caloric intake is equal to around six days worth of calories for a regular person. A week's worth of food in one day. Every day. Holy buffet, Batman.

For breakfast, Phelps eats:

• Three fried egg sandwiches with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions, and mayo


• One five-egg omelet
  
  
• A bowl of grits


• Three slices of French toast with powdered sugar


• Three chocolate chip pancakes


• Two cups of coffee

I figure the coffee is to keep him awake after eating all of that. I'd be ready to pass out if I ate all of that (and probably because I'd finish it all two days later and that's enough to make anyone tired). That's just breakfast. Lunch is:

• 1,000 calories worth of energy drinks


• One pound of pasta with tomato sauce


• Two large ham and cheese sandwiches (with mayo) on white bread

A POUND of pasta? Isn't that like the entire package? And those ham and cheese sandwiches...how large is "large"? I'm picturing something at least the same size as his feet, which from what I can tell, are about two feet long each. And we still haven't mentioned dinner yet. Dinner is:

• Six to eight slices of pizza


• Another pound of pasta with tomato sauce
  
  
• 1,000 calories of energy drinks

That is a ridiculous amount of food. But, hey, the guy is an Olympic athlete and seems to have no trouble burning it off. It's not like he's sinking to the bottom of the pool or anything. And considering that he's setting world records left and right, it would appear as if the energy is needed. Of course, that's if you look at it from a normal and rationale individual's viewpoint and not the commentary of someone asked by Fox News what they had to say about this incredible calorie intake by one person.

Fox News had a one Tanya Zuckerbrot (pretty name), who is a nutritionist and the author of some book called “The F-Factor” (I have no idea what it's about, but I have a couple of suggestions for that "F" word.) if Phelps' diet was "normal".

And before I get to what she said, let me point out how ridiculous that question is. Does he LOOK "normal"? Does he do things that are "normal"? No and no. So why would you ask if what he is doing is "normal"? It would stand to reason that it's NOT, but not "normal" doesn't mean "wrong" or "unhealthy" if there's a reason for the not "normal"!

But, Fox needs ratings or something, so they let her answer. (And really, look at her. She could have been speaking in tongue and people would have paid attention. At least if they don't make any sense, make sure they're pretty. I think that's a motto over there at Fox as they seem to be hiring female news anchors based solely on that principle.) She said, "Look at his picture, he’s completely ripped. He is clearly burning that many calories — if he wasn’t, he would look chubby.” Um, "chubby"? Listen hot lady, 12,000 calories a day if you're not Michael Phelps is going to have you looking a little bit more than just "chubby". You're going to be like that World's Fattest Man dude down there in Mexico who left his home the other day for the first time in five years in the bed of a flatbed truck. You're going to be more than "chubby" if you're eating 6 times more the "normal" amount of calories. (This woman wrote a book? That was published? For sale? Really?)

She adds that Phelps, "...probably doesn’t eat that many calories during his off-training season as his high-fat, high-carbohydrate diet would be dangerous to his health." Probably? You're not sure if he DOES or does NOT eat 12,000 calories a day when he's not training? Sooooo, maybe he does, maybe he doesn't, but he probably doesn't? Again, common sense (I know, I know, something clearly lacking at Fox) dictates that he doesn't eat that many calories when he's not training. Because why would he? How could he? They'd have to get a bunch of guys to roll him into the pool when it was finally time to start training again.

Continuing on with her useless words of blathering commentary, she says, "It’s interesting, if he wasn’t eating that many calories, he wouldn’t be winning, because he wouldn’t have the energy. The carbs is what the body uses for energy. You have to give the body glucose to fuel it. That’s why people on the Atkins diet (an all-protein diet) can’t work-out.” I'm sorry, did she just say that it was "interesting"? How is that "interesting"? That's not "interesting". "Interesting" would be if he ate a handful of dust and a roll of Wintergreen Life Savers before he jumped into the pool each day and green sparks flew out of his ass as he swam across the pool to victory. Now THAT would be "interesting". Hell, that'd be damn near "exciting" and I, for one, would pay good money to see it in person, too! The fact that his body, like everyone else's body, burns carbohydrates for fuel is NOT "interesting". (That this woman was asked her opinion is somewhat "interesting" as I'd like to know whose idea that was and what in the hell they were thinking. I find it "interesting" that that person even has a job.)

Now I'm sure you will be shocked, just shocked, to learn that "Zuckerbrot said she would not recommend Phelps’ diet to the average person who hopes to have a high intensity work out at the gym for an hour, but then sit at their desk all day." Yes, I was shocked as well. Did not see that one coming. Nope. Caught me totally by surprise. (NO IT DIDN'T!! Where did they find this soft head?!) She concluded with, “This is a diet created for an Olympic performer. Clearly with 11 medals under his belt, it’s working.” Well, at least she was consistent. She made sure that everything she said was completely useless to anyone wanting to know about what kind of a metabolism burns 12,000 calories a day or how the metabolism of a body is regulated or anything that might be relevant to Michael Phelps eating 12,000 calories a day.

Yes, she definitely made sure that everything she said was geared down to a level of someone who functions at the level that, um, well, that Michael Phelps kind of looks like he functions at.

Well, whether or not Michael Phelps is a 12,000 calorie eating, mouth breathing, special needs looking, dolphin like trait bearing, Olympic champion 11 times over (with more to come), I like the guy. Eat whatever the heck you want and keep winning.

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