American's Idle

So did you see the American Idol finale on Wednesday? Wow. The finale of AI is always like a 1970s variety show. A whole bunch of different acts doing their thing with a fair number of them from years and years ago. The only real difference between the AI finale and the 1970s variety show is that AI was relatively entertaining.

Can we just start with KISS? What are these guys? 80? 90? They've been doing "Rock and Roll All Night" for like 40 years! But that's the good thing about performing with all of that face makeup on, I guess. That part of being old, the whole looking old thing, doesn't show. I was amazed that they could all still stand on those 12-inch platform boots/shoes things that they wear. They're old enough, you'd think that they'd be having the vertigo or something. But hey, for those of us who never got to see KISS perform live, well, consider that performance seeing them sort of live. Still alive! There we go.

But really, the most surprising part of the evening for me was when Barbara Walters came out to sing "Do You Think I'm Sexy". Wait. What? That wasn't Barbara Walters? That was Rod Stewart?! Good Lord. (And sporting a lovely plaid sportscoat as well!) They had all of the failed Idols doing a group number of 'Do You Think I'm Sexy', a huge hit for Rod back in the days when he could legitimately ask that question (and could sing without shouting or sounding like he needed to hack a phlegm boulder out of his esophagus). But on American Idol, he looked like he should have been singing 'Do You Think I'm Elderly'. He's aged a bit, that's all I'm sayin'. So much that if question is posed "Do You Think I'm Sexy" the answer could be a variety of things, but none of them would be 'Yes". Even the lyrics "If you want my body and you think I'm sexy" would seem to be aptly followed by "...you were likely born during the Hoover administration." Or even "...then you're going to need to adjust your horizontal hold."

And he shouted sang my favorite Rod Stewart song, Maggie May, which starts out "Wake up, Maggie. I think I've got something to say to you." But watching Rod Stewart, the apparent octogenarian, sing those lyrics, I felt like it should have been, "Wake up, Maggie. It's time to take our pills." Perhaps "Wake up, Maggie. Where's my robe? When's lunch? Did you steal my hat?" Rod probably could have used some of the left over face paint from KISS. Oh, wait. That's right. There wasn't any left over. My mistake.

He stumbled a couple of times. I was worried he might fall and break a hip. He just didn't look all that great, I'm just saying. And when you're old and you look old and you're kind of stumbling old, it's just not right. Odd Stewart was more like it.

And if you think I'm being too hard on ol' Odd there, I'm not. After Idol had aired, do you know what Google Trends showed as the Number 10 most searched for item that day? I'll give you a hint: It's the same as the Number ONE searched for item during the 6pm hour (after Idol aired on the east coast)! That's right. "How old is Rod Stewart?" Followed closely by "How old is Gene Simmons?" (He'll be 60 this August.) "How old is Lionel Ritchie?" (He'll be 60 in June.) And "How old is Cyndi Lauper?" (She will be 56 in June.) I couldn't make that funnier if I tried! Behold! The graph!

Hil-arious. (By the way, Rod is 64 and will be 65 next January 10. That's way too old to be strutting around on stage with your plaid-itude and pretending to look like Barbara Walters, if you ask me.) Then there was Bikini Girl, a one dim bulbed Katrina Darrell, there for her encore performance. Best line of the night goes to Ryan Seacrest when he said to a newly 'enhanced' Bikini Girl, "I was going to ask you 'What's new?', but I think I know!" Women who think they're hot always feel the need for the after market accessories. And not like there's anything wrong with that, but you don't want it to be obvious that you've added on, you know? They really need to blend with the original model. But I blissfully digress.

Bikini Girl, I think, was seriously shocked when Kara Dio Guardi began singing and came out on stage behind her as she sang. It took her a moment to realize that she wasn't going to get to bask in four minutes of solitary glory. Maybe it had been planned from the beginning, but Bikini Girl doesn't seem like the brightest bulb on the tree, so I doubt she could have acted that well.

I, personally, found the whole Bikini Girl segment very strange. Here's a chick (who if you said her real name to people, I'd guess 95-98% would not know who you were talking about) standing on a stage in front of thousands of people, wearing nothing but a bikini and a smile, and just singing as if it's perfectly normal! Totally natural! See it every day! NO! You don't. But she had no problem with it. None. And that's why I'm going to offer this bit of advice: Bikini Girl, if someone is reading this to you right now, please listen when I say that if you did not cash in on your 15 minutes of fame within an hour of stepping off that stage, it's over for you, baby. People will not care about you or your hot body a month from now or even a week from now, so if you were planning on using this to launch you toward some fabulous money making opportunity, if you haven't signed a deal by now, I'd start looking for other work. (And by 'other work' I mean what you're probably going to end up doing anyway. Porn.)

I'm not a fan of the re-trotting out of all of the failed and delusional Idol tryout folks. That whole act has really gotten old for me. Not as old as Rod Stewart, but old. It's starting to feel like poking fun at the intellectually disadvantaged and the borderline mentally retarded. It's definitely poking fun at the mentally ill if nothing else. But the one girl, whose name is escaping me at the moment, who had the parents who were just as delusional as she was that she was going to be the next American Idol? Um, acorn? Tree? You can make the connection, right? There was no way in hell that she was going to win American Idol, yet both her parents and her were convinced that she was! They kept saying so. Out loud! And while I'm not making any claims to being able to predict the outcomes of events, I can tell you this with 100% certainty, that girl will win a Cy Young award or a Nobel Prize before she will become the next American Idol and that will occur right about never!

Even with all of the glitz and the glamour and the bikinis and the delusions, the strangest act of the evening, on the show which searches across America for the next greatest vocalist, was Carlos Santana playing a guitar solo. Go figure.

One of my personal highlights was when I realized that it was quite possibly the very last time that we will have to sit through four judges ever again. With any luck, those who have the power over these sorts of things will get rid of Kara LaGuardiaDio Guardi so that it can go back to being just incoherent Paula Abdul and the two gents, Randy Jackson and the be-tee-shirted Brit, Simon Cowell. It just took too long to get through all of their comments and that meant that we likely missed out on some spectacularly incoherent moments from Paula! We can't have that! She needs to babble speak!

Low light of the evening: It was when the kicked-off-after-three-shows-contestant Jorge (and his eyebrows which appear to be two dueling caterpillars going head to head) would not leave the side of Kris Allen after Kris was named the new American Idol! This guy was hanging all over him like they had been dating or something. It was simply to get his face in every single camera shot that there was. Nothing but a camera whore, that Jorge! It was so obvious to the point where if he didn't think his face was on camera, you would see him craning his neck to get his face closer to Kris's face. It was pathetic.

I don't know how far I can delve into the fake-roversy (again, "fake controversy") over whether or not Adam should have won, but I'll try to keep it plain and simple. Adam should not have won. Do you know why? Because the result was based upon votes. Viewer votes. The viewers voted. They voted for Kris. Therefore, Kris should have won because that is what, and stick with me here, the majority of people wanted. Why did they want Kris instead of Adam? It's simple. When Danny got booted (after being given a horrible song to sing by the incoherent Paula Abdul) all of the folks who still cared enough to vote were more likely to vote for Kris than they were for Adam. Was Adam a better singer? I don't know. It depends on how often you can listen to the same sound with different words over and over and over again. Every week was superb for Adam, but it was always the same. Hit the high note that we're all impressed you can do. Wag your tongue a little. Wink too often. Leer a bit. And scream at the end. Same act, different lyrics. Every. Week. But that's why Kris won. People liked him better. (A complex theory, I admit, but one I believe to be factual none the less.)

So that's it. Until January, we are American Idol-less. It wasn't a great season. I couldn't tell you one thing that Kris Allen sang except for the horrific 'coronation song' which was wrote for the eventual winner to record as their first single. The finale was by far the best show of the season. But just wait. Come about December, maybe even November, I'll be looking forward to the airing of the tryouts again and trying to remember Kris Allen's name. Aahh...good times. Good times.

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Random Thoughts du Jour

A few random thoughts....

There's going to be "Ocotmom - The Musical". I know, I know. People clearly have no shame. It's hard to say who is at a lower level, Octomom herself or the folks doing the musical. And according to bangstudio.com, the group putting on the shenanigans would be Cabaret Voltaire and they're currently looking for someone to play the role of OctoNutJob! Here's what they want:

Female, Mid 20’s - mid 30’s. Funny, whimsical, but not too charactery. (Not too charactery?! Have you SEEN her lately? OK, maybe I'm thinking cartoon charactery, but still.) She should be able to command authority, play broad range of facial expressions (expressions that will convey emotions such as "Eight?" "I'm not on welfare" and "I'm not a celebrity, but make sure you take pictures of my good side."), plus physical comedy. Sketch and improv experience a plus. Likable, energetic and at the same time able to be emotionally expressive and believable (and at the same time, un-believable). Can handle musical theatre and pop styles a plus. Actress who can move (including the ability to dodge questions left and right).

My only question is this: If you pay $20 to go see this thing, well....OK, I have two questions. The first one is: If you pay $20 to go see this thing, can I have all of the rest of your money? My second question is if you go to see this thing and you're in one of the front few rows, is it going to be like a Gallagher performance where everyone has to wear rain coats and plastic ponchos to protect themselves from flying debris?

Meanwhile, elsewhere in my brain.....

I've heard more than one news outlet report that the difficult economy is driving people to commit suicide. Really? Wow. I certainly hope I don't get that! That'd be horrible. I don't want to commit suicide! Oh, wait. That's right. I don't have to worry about that because it doesn't happen!
If...Paula...Ab...dul....could...stop....talking...in...such...a.halting....manner...it...

could...maybe...help..her....to....finish...a...com...plete...sentence....one...of...

these...days....But...even....if...she....could...speak...fluently....I....doubt....it....

would...help....her....make...more...sense. Seriously. Last night, she compared Adam Lambert to Michael Phelps. She said that every week "...it's like watching the Olympics and you're our Michael Phelps." Huh. Funny. I don't remember seeing Adam Lambert up there with a bong. Oh, wait. That's right. Paula probably had it.

Sunday on Celebrity Apprentice, Melissa Rivers, daughter of Joan, was fired by The Donald. Mother Joan didn't care for that too much and embarked on an amusing rant directed at Annie Duke and Brande Roderick. Among the myriad of insults that she hurled were gems such as, "I met your people in Las Vegas. None of them have last names. You’re a poker player. A poker player! That’s beyond white trash. Poker players are trash, darling, trash." Um, perhaps Joan is unaware that Annie Duke has won millions of dollars and a World Series of Poker bracelet playing poker. Not too many white trash folks can claim that. (Oh, she also compared her to Hitler. Again with the Hitler! Just to review, comparing Hitler and anyone else? NOT the same.)

Bonus Celebrity Apprentice: As Joan and her daughter, the newly ousted Melissa, were in the elevator (presumably to take them straight down to hell) as the doors were closing and in a show of excellent sportsmanship, not to mention CLASS, Melissa Rivers shouted, "Lying f**king whores." Huh. Apple. Tree. Stay classy, Rivers girls.

Meanwhile, over in New York, a 747 plane followed by two F-16 fighters did a flyby of downtown office buildings and the Statue of Liberty in Manhattan on Monday, sparking a panic amongst office workers (can you blame them?). Turns out there was no need to panic, it was just a White House photo-op in order to get pictures of Air Force One in front of some US landmarks. The problem was that no one was notified that this was going to be occurring, which accounted for the panicked deja vu reaction of practically everyone in the vicinity. And all of this at the low, low cost of only $328,835! First of all, I don't know who could possibly be so stupid that they would schedule this stunt and not tell anyone in New York about it. But aside from that, we live in the world of Photoshop. If you want pictures of Air Force One in front of the Statue of Liberty, then do it....from your computer! Cut and paste the Statue in the background and voila! Air Force One in front of the Statue of Liberty! Yep, your tax dollars hard at work, folks.

The swine flu thing is something to be concerned about, but I've learned that there's something to be even more concerned about. A different disease (not cancer) has killed 13,000 people in this country alone since January. So far, the swine flu has killed zero people in this country. The other disease? That's right...regular flu. Holy crap! The regular ol' flu kills around 36,000 people here in the US every year. That's like 100 people a day! Why aren't we talking about that ALL THE TIME?

A one Megan McAllister, the fiance of alleged Craigslist Killer, a one Philip Markoff, had been sticking to her belief/fantasy that his arrest had all been a terrible mistake and that he wasn't the one responsible for killing at least one woman and also for robbing at least one prostitute. She even issued a statement about a week ago denouncing the arrest and proclaiming that she still loved the guy and still planned to marry him in August. Now that's some loyalty right there. But lately, it seemed as if she was wavering on that loyalty. Hard to say what might have made her waver on that belief. Maybe it was the gun that they found inside of a hollowed out copy of Gray's Anatomy in his apartment. Perhaps the video surveillance tape with a guy on it that looks remarkably like Mr. Markoff. Or it could have been the victim's underwear that were also in his apartment. Regardless, the band that had been booked for their wedding is suddenly available on that date! Imagine! Of course, that still doesn't mean that she thinks he did it or anything. It just means that she's realized that he will likely be busy on that particular date and it would be best to wait until he has an opening in his calendar. Or an opening in the bars on the windows that he can crawl out of because that's going to be about the only way he'll be attending any wedding in the near future. Or in the far future.


I think that should do it for now. Cleared out a little space in my brain to make room for new and exciting bits of minutiae and mundane information. Stay tuned, won't ye?

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