That's Why She Quit?

You remember Octomom, don't you?  How could you forget? She's the human breeding sow with her brood of fourteen children and no job.  Well, no steady job.  Last month, she took a job doing masturbatory porn in order to make a few bucks.  I'm sure her children are SO proud.  Or at least, they will be when they're older and everyone they know from school (I doubt they'll have friends) makes sure to bring it up constantly.  The point here is that she seemed so pleased with her own act that she was going to start stripping and had already booked a gig at T's Lounge in Palm Beach (Florida, of course).  But wait!  She had to cancel.  Ohhhh.  I don't know if that's supposed to evoke a feeling of disappointment (as I enjoy watching this train wreck) or relief (as it would have been Octomom without her top).  But when I read the reason why she canceled, I just laughed. 

 According to the fine folks over there at TMZ, Octomom has canceled stripping because "...she thinks club staffers are talking smack about her."  Wait.  Had she been previously unaware that not only were the club staffers talking smack about her, but every person in America has been as well?!  I can't think of the last time that I saw or read anything even remotely positive about this abhorrent woman.  How could she be even remotely offended that people don't like her or anything that she does?  And how poor is she really if she can just pick and choose these sorts of jobs to take?  Last I heard, she had no money.  That's not surprising since she doesn't have a job and no way of supporting herself.  But is she really going to turn down jobs because people don't have nice things to say about her?!  If she's going to turn down a job like stripping, can't she come up with a better reason than people not liking her (because she's an abhorrent human being)?  Apparently not.

The only good that would have come from her taking her top off is at least we would know if she has only two nipples like a person or rows of four on each side like a pig. Other than that, it just seems like a bad idea all the way around.  Granted, it's not quite as bad of an idea as having a zillion embryos implanted in your uterus when you already had six kids, no job and no spouse, but still not a good idea.  Not even close. 

Sphere: Related Content

That Doesn't Mean What You Think It Means

You know how I'm always saying that the media sucks?  You know, there's a reason that I say that.  It's mainly because the media sucks.  It sucks SO bad.  And today I have a glaring example of their suckitude.  Seriously, this just boggles my mind.  How this is even a thing is beyond me. Maybe you can help me figure it out.

Remember Desmond Hatchett?  He's the dumbass who has fathered 30 children with eleven different women (who are also dumbasses) and he's only 33 years old.  I guess that for some reason, people like it when there is a nickname given to people in the news.  Tanning Mom.  Octomom.  The Barefoot Bandit.  Son of Sam.  People love a nickname.  So I guess that it would be natural for one to be bestowed upon Mr. Hatchett.  Personally, I'm good with 'dumbass'. It's fitting, it's catchy, it's easy to remember.  (And even if  you forget it, you can just think of someone that has had 30 children in 19 years and can't pay for them and remember it that way."Ohhhh!  The dumbass!  That's it!"  See?  Easy to remember.)  But no, apparently the media had to go and give him the stupidest name that they could come up with.

Here's how it starts off over there at the usually reputable Los Angeles Times: "Hatchett, nicknamed Octodad by various media outlets, gained considerable notoriety last week after WREG in Memphis posted a story and video describing his struggles to keep up with child-support payments for his 30 children."  Honestly, my despair is such that at this point, I almost don't know where to go with this.  But I'll try.  (And really LA Times?  You're usually SO much better than this.  Check yourself.  Please.)

Octodad?!?!  The media is calling him Octodad?!?!  Are they not aware that the reason that Octomom was dubbed Octomom is because she had octuplets?  And that having octuplets means that she had eight babies?  And that 'octo' is the prefix for 'eight'? Do you see what I'm driving at here?  Octo...eight...I don't know how else to explain it.  Then again, I feel like that must not be a sufficient explanation if the freaking media is calling him Octodad when he has thirty children!  Octo isn't the prefix for thirty!  Dumbass is the prefix for thirty! 

Octodad. Good Lord. Look, Octomom is a ridiculous name, but at least it's etymology is essentially correct.  We don't just put "octo" in front of a word to indicate that they have a lot of kids. We're not calling the Duggars the OctoDuggars.  (Octogars?  I'm really struggling with what sounds good here.  And the answer is probably 'nothing' because it's all so gosh darned stupid.)  We don't call Kate Gosselin OctoKate.  (Yes, I realize that she actually does have eight children.  But I'm running out of examples of people who have overused their uterus.)  The media needs to stop calling this dumbass Octodad.  I'd be happy to explain to them why that should be.  Send them my way.  Wait.  Can I do that without coming completely unglued on them? Probably not.  What say they just stop and we all call it good?

Sphere: Related Content

Octo Nightmare

Brace yourselves.  Octomom has done her masturbatory porn video.  It should be out by June.  I guess there's a lot of editing or something that goes on with these things?  I don't really know and I don't really think that I want to, either.  Actually, there are a lot of things that I didn't want to know about this.  And I'm going to share them with YOU.  How lucky do you feel?  What if I told you that by 'lucky' I meant 'nauseous'?  Better?  Yeah, not really for me either.  Well, you've been warned.  Here we go. 

According to the Huffington Post, in true Octomom lunatic fashion, Nadya Suleman says of her first porn video "I'm very excited for it to come out!"  Well, that makes one of us.  She's excited for it to come out?  Why would that be?  She is a laughing stock.  She is vehemently hated by many (and for good reason).  She's dead broke.  And now she's doing solo porn.  That's exciting for her?  I can think of a lot of other adjectives that I would have thought of before using 'exciting'.  Words like 'humiliated', 'upset', 'ashamed' and 'desperate' come to my mind.  But not hers.  Nope.  She's excited.  If that right there doesn't tell you all that you need to know about this chick, I don't know what else I can do for you. 

Here are some other excerpts from her thoughts on what is apparently the apex of her life.  "My first shoot was amazing...Such a learning experience for me in so many ways. I don't think I could have asked for a better crew to work with. They were so patient and willing to teach me. I owe a lot to Wicked Pictures contract star Jessica Drake; she opened my eyes to a whole different world of self-pleasure that I could have never imagined. They made me look so glamorous, and for the first time in my life, I felt beautiful and sexy. I'm very excited for it to come out!" 

A learning experience?  What in the hell did she learn?  Not to have fourteen babies when you don't have a job, a place to live or a spouse?  And I'll bet that her eyes were opened to a "whole different world of self-pleasure"!  It would definitely be a different world to be doing yourself surrounded by lights and cameras and an entire crew of people.  You know.  Because usually when you're doing that, you're typically alone!  And I don't care what she says and I don't care what she was wearing, doing masturbatory porn is not glamorous.  Maybe her and I have different definitions of the word (which wouldn't surprise me as I can't find a single thing that we have in common other than we're both female, and quite frankly, I'm ashamed to have that much in common with her), but what she just went through was not glamorous.  It doesn't surprise me that it was the first time she felt beautiful and sexy, though.  It's probably really hard to feel like you're either of those things when you're harboring practically and entire baseball team in your uterus. 

But here's the part that kinda made me wanna throw up a little bit.  It's definitely the part that I read at least three times and each time all I could muster up was "Wtf?"  It's the part that said "At the shoot, Nadya also posed for a set of photographs in which she's seated at the head of a long table, her body covered with SpaghettiOs"  Wait.  Wait.  I said WAIT!  SpaghettiOs?!  Number one, why would you waste perfectly good SpaghettiOs in such an obscene fashion?  And number two, did I mention wtf?  Yeah, WTF?!  Did THAT make her feel beautiful and sexy?  To have her both slathered with a delicious childhood treat that she probably feeds to her own children?  How is being covered in SpaghettiOs anything but disgusting?  And whose idea was that?  Was it hers? I don't get it. 

Even after it is explained, I still don't get it.  It says "For the pictures, we had her topless with a thick sparkly red choker with a big red heart in front and red and white polka dot panties ... like 1950s style...SpaghettiOs were all over her body and she's even throwing the SpaghettiOs toward the camera. The label on the can was changed from SpaghettiOs to say 'Saucy Octos.'"  Uhh...what?  How is being in red and white polka dot panties and covered with SpaghettiOs "like 1950s style"?  I don't fancy myself a historian or anything like that, but I am fairly familiar with the styles of the 1950s and I have never encountered a style that included being covered in SpaghettiOs.  Ever.  And wtf is a 'Saucy Octo'?  They're not shaped like eights!  They're shaped like Os!  It's right there in the name SpaghettiOs.  Not SpaghettiEights! 

I don't understand any of this.  Then again, she is, by most definitions, mentally ill (in at least one form or another), so I guess that this isn't supposed to make a ton of sense.  There's still no word on how much she was paid to do this, but whatever it is I don't see how it's going to solve her long term problems.  And while she might have declared bankruptcy, I went through the paperwork and she hasn't filled out everything that she needs to.  If she doesn't turn in the required forms in a couple of weeks, her case is automatically dismissed.  And when (if) she does turn in the required forms, one of those will be a statement of her earnings and whatever she earned for the great SpaghettiO fiasco will need to be reported.  I'll get back to you when that information is available.  In the meantime, let's just try our hardest to forget all about this.  It's certainly not worth the nightmares that it will induce by remembering it.  But if you do want to remember it, there are a bunch of photos over at TMZ that should suffice. 

Sphere: Related Content

What A Great Mom!

You have vague, shuddering memories of the Octomom right?  She is that mentally ill woman who already had six children via in vitro and found a crazy doctor to implant several embryos in her as if she was some sort of human gumball machine and then she ended up giving birth to octuplets?  Nadya Suleman is the woman's name and she's back in the news!  In a move that I'm sure will leave you completely shocked, she has filed for bankruptcy!  I know!  Can you believe it?!  Hard to imagine how someone with fourteen kids and no income would have to file for bankruptcy.  Especially when the entire world hates her for doing what she did. She has no chance to make an honest dime any time soon.  Unless she considers one option that has been on the table since the beginning.  That's right.  She was once offered a million bucks to do porn.  Apparently, that offer has dropped to $100,000 "...if she stars in three hard core sex scenes."  Wow.  Talk about the bottom falling out of that market.  Regardless, now and what with the bankruptcy and all, she's willing to consider it.

She says "I have had to make some very difficult decision this year, and filing Chapter 7 was one of them...But I have to do what is best for my children and I need a fresh start."   Uhhh, I'm not so sure that your doing porn is going to be "best" for your children.  Do you think if your mom did porn that you'd end up thinking that was a great idea and "best" for all you kids?  I highly doubt it.  And since when is doing porn "a fresh start".  You know what usually qualifies as "a fresh start"?  Not doing porn, that is correct!  I'm sure that doing porn will do wonders for her children.  Fresh start indeed.  I wonder what her other difficult decisions this year were?  I'm curious simply because she doesn't seem to put a lot of thought into things that she does.  If only she had put as much thought into having in vitro fertilization as she put into her "difficult decisions this year", maybe she wouldn't be in this mess.

But it seems like there might be a catch with her "consideration" of doing all of the porn.  There's either a catch or she is unclear as to what exactly porn consists of.  That's because according to the New York Daily News, she "...would not kiss somebody.  I wouldn't touch somebody."  Now, as far as you know, I'm not much of an expert on porn.  (Work with me here, will ya?  It's not going to work if you don't play along.)  But from what I do know about porn, I seem to vaguely recall that there is at least some touching that goes on.  Granted, there aren't a lot of different parts that are involved the aforementioned touching.  Really, there are only a few key players in this sort of game.  But there has to be touching.  It's porn!  Porn is touching!  I guess I'm going to have to speculate that this means that she'll be doing porn...by...herself?  Ewww, ewww, EWWW!!  Is there really a market for that?  Forget I asked that.  Of course there is. 

And look, I'm not usually one to who would advocate that families be split up.  But in all seriousness, why in the world does she still have these kids?  She can NOT take care of them!  I'm not questioning whether or not she loves them, mainly because I have no idea and that really isn't the issue.  Love rarely solves anything.  (It actually complicates most things, but that's a different story.)  And yes, I've seen the pictures of the house of squalor.  I will hand it to her in that the pictures of the children that were included did not show the children looking particularly disheveled.  Sure, they didn't have pants on, but they're not even three yet.  That's not a big deal.  They appeared to be clean and had clean clothing on.  But even that's not enough.  I have no idea why the state hasn't stepped in. 

Yes, I know, I know that I don't usually advocate for the government to be involved in the raising of children.  But come on!  This isn't exactly you see your neighbor's kid outside without shoes on a cold day and insist that CPS needs to step in.  This nutjob has fourteen kids, no husband (or wife for that matter) and, most importantly no money.  Maybe even more important than that is that she doesn't even have any potential to make any money.  She can't do anything.  I don't think that she's ever held a real job.  Is she going to make a living doing masturbatory porn?  (That was one of the grossest sentences that I've ever wrote.) 
 

Let's do the math.  If she's only being offered $100,000 for three hard-core sex scenes, how much could her and a cucumber (I'm assuming) possibly be worth?  At $33,333 for each hard-core sex scene, I'd guess a solo act would go for a mere fraction of that.  Let's say she gets ten grand.  What's that going to last her?  A month?  According to some child raising calculator thing I found online (which could be completely full of crap for all I know), it costs about $8,330 to raise a child for a year.  She has fourteen of those children.  That comes out to $116,620 per year.  So, at the rates that I'm guessing, she's going to have to do twelve "porn" things a year.  Is there really a market for twelve of the same kind of movie from the same person?  (Look, here's the Octomom getting herself off on the beach.  Here she is in the kitchen.  Here she is doing herself on a gazebo.)  I'm not so sure that's the best investment.  For anyone, really.  After all, she already stripped down for a U.K. magazine called Closer and they only paid her $8,000.  Brace yourself and behold!

Now, when you ask her about all of this, she says (in what I can only imagine to be the snottiest tone possible), "I'm so done...You people, you keep your business to yourself, and I'll keep my business to myself. My kids are healthy, they're happy, they've got food."  Uh, tell you what, cupcake.  As long as you're taking public assistance, you are my business.  I'll give her that her kids look healthy because in the pictures that I saw, they looked fine.  I'd probably prefer that they were panted, but it's not a big deal given their age and that they were at home.   I'll give her that they have food, but only because she receives over $2,000 a month in food stamps.  As far as happy, I'm going to disagree a little bit.  That's impossible for me to know, but from the looks of the disarray of her home, I'm going to say that they're not all happy!  I wish she'd just do the right thing and give them up.  I know it sounds horrible, but this is a pretty extreme case and I think it's for the best.  And then she doesn't have to do porn.  That right there seems like enough of a win for her to at least consider it. 

Sphere: Related Content

Ridiculous Things I Read About Today

Wow. I read a bunch of ridiculous things today and now I must share.

I was reading about Barry Bonds' upcoming trial for perjury. The perjury charges (and there are ten of them) stem from his telling a grand jury back in December of 2003 that "he never knowingly took steroids." Yeah, right. Did you see Barry Bonds back then? He was a mammoth. Of course he took steroids. Everyone in baseball took steroids and he was no exception. His arms were gigantic. His trained testified that at one point, he had to order new hats for Barry because his head was bigger. I don't know about you, but I don't know of many adult males whose head suddenly starts to grow if they are not on steroids.

But all of that isn't my point. My point is what I read in an article over at the Huffington Post. The article was talking about the hearing on Friday and it said, "Dressed in a dark suit and slimmed down from his San Francisco Giants playing days...." That's all you need to know. Gee, I wonder WHY he was all slimmed down? Could it be that there isn't any reason for him to take steroids any more? Yeah, that's a tough one to noodle through. Man, I hope they find him guilty. I know that there were a lot of players that roided up during the 1990s. But Barry is so smug about it. AND he did a lot of damage to the game by going on the juice. Guilty, guilty, guilty. Can't wait to see how that one turns out.

And then there's Nadya Suleman. Man, I have had about enough of her to last a lifetime. She was on Oprah the other day along with Suze Orman. You know who Suze Orman is, right? She's that attractive lesbian woman who gives sound financial advice in a rather obnoxious manner. She was on there to go through Octomom's finances. I don't know why they needed Suze Orman for that. I could have told you that she's broke. But in the discussion of her finances, Suze Orman asked Octomom if, back before she had herself impregnated with enough embryos to fill a gumball machine, she knew then what she knows now, would she have had the extra eight children. (Please remember that at the time that she pulled this completely inexcusable and utterly insane stunt, she already had six kids which she had no means of supporting. Oh, and of course there has never been a father in the picture.) It took her forever to answer the question, but she finally came out and said that if she had known then what she knew now that she would not have gone ahead with trying to have a litter of children. OK, what now?

What, exactly, is it that she knows now that she didn't know then? Let's see....she didn't have a husband then and she certainly wasn't going to get one in the near future. She didn't have a way to support herself and her six kids back then and she certainly wasn't going to be able to in the near future. How could she have not foreseen that this was going to turn out badly?! She now has fourteen children. What does it cost the taxpayer to pay for those fourteen children? And how much is it going to cost the taxpayer when they're over eighteen and end up in jail or, for the girls, knocked up themselves? Oh, come on! You think that those kids are going to grow up and be just fine? I doubt it. I'd love to be wrong, but I doubt it.

And finally, let's just wrap this up with the guy who is quickly shaping up to be the D-Bag of the year, Jesse James. As you may or may not care to recall, Mr. James was married to the ridiculously attractive Sandra Bullock and decided that it would be a good idea to cheat on her with at least one (but more like six) heavily tattooed skank(s). Mr. James has recently become engaged to another be-tatted woman, Kat Von D. In regard to this new found bliss, he says, " 2010 was actually the best year of my life because I fell in love with my best friend. An amazing woman who stood behind me when the world turned their backs." Yeah, the world can be a fickle bitch when you cheat on a beloved (and super hot) public figure like the delicious Ms. Bullock. What a maroon. I'm guessing that Sandra Bullock would probably express different sentiments about how her 2010 went. Oh, but that wasn't the best thing that he said. This serial cheater actually had the stones to say "Growing old with her is going to be a f****** blast!"

Right. Like the two of you are going to stay married long enough to grow old together. You guys won't even be married long enough to buy a new couch, let alone to grow old together. I'm pretty sure that a gallon of milk could last longer than your eternal bond is going to. And while I find his statements absolutely vacuous, I'm almost more amused at Kat Von D for agreeing to marry this dirtbag. You think that you're different, do you, cupcake? You think that y'all were meant for each other? You think that he isn't currently cheating on you? You must have answered yes to all of those semi-rhetorical questions, as you're actually going to marry him. Wow. Good luck with that.

And those are the ridiculous going-ons that I read about today. What about you? Got anything good for me?

Sphere: Related Content

Advertising With Octomom

I've never been a fan of PETA. (Not the bread. That's pita.) They're the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. They're not the People for Ethical behavior That is not Abhorrent. No, that's not them. They feel the need to always have some sort of 'shocking' method for getting people to pay attention to them and their 'cause'. If I had to guess whether they've done more to further their cause or whether they've done more to garner attention for themselves, I'd have to go with the latter. And their latest stunt pretty much demonstrates just that.

I'm sure that you're well aware of the insufferable Nadya Suleman, aka the Octomom. As you may or may not care to remember (but which your tax dollars are none the less being used to support) Suleman was the single mother with six children born from petri dishes who then went ahead and had herself impregnated once again, only to find herself carrying a litter of eight children for a grand total of fourteen. That's right. No husband. No job. No money. Fourteen children. And no freaking sense.

Since she is not currently working due to the taking care of the population of her small village (and the fact that she seems to be mentally unstable in more ways than I care to count at the moment), she is in need of cash. It seems that she garners her income by selling pictures of her lips and her brood to various tabloid media publications. (I cannot imagine how that is profitable for those magazines. Do that many people really have that much interest in her? If I think about it too much, it totally zaps my WTL. Will To Live.) But for some reason, that income isn't enough to support fourteen children (go figure) and so she is currently in danger of losing her house in La Habra, CA, so sayeth Popeater.com.

But what does that have to do with PETA, you ask (provided you read 'Octomom' and continued reading)? Apparently, PETA has "...negotiated a deal with (her) that allows them to post a PETA sign in her front yard trumping the value of spaying or neutering pets." Um, wait. What now?

Correct. PETA is paying the awful individual that is Nadya Suleman (I can barely stomach the 'Octomom' moniker) cash money to put a sign in her front yard that says "Don't let your dog or cat become an 'octomom'." Of course, those words are accompanied by a picture of a splayed out feline which is feeding a pile of hungry offspring. What. The. Hell.

According to the folks over there at OC Weekly, PETA sent a letter to Suleman and her attorney (because everyone with fourteen children needs an attorney to sort through these matters) which read, in part, "In light of recent reports that you may be facing foreclosure on your home, we'd like to offer to bolster your finances by paying to place an ad (enclosed) on your front lawn." Uh, OK. But, seriously, a placard on her lawn? How much is that even worth? A few hundred bucks? (I, of course, am speaking completely hypothetically and in a world where something like this even makes sense. It's not worth a freaking dime and we all know it.) Well, if you were thinking along those same lines as me, you're going to be rather surprised.

The letter closes out with, "Taking us up on our offer is a win-win situation: It would help you and your children to keep your home and also reduce the number of homeless dogs and cats." It what? It will help her keep her home? Let's just do some hypothetical math on this, shall we? A home in La Habra isn't cheap. Let's say a monthly mortgage payment is $2,000. In order to be in foreclosure, let's just say that she's missed six months worth of payments. That's a total of $12,000. You're telling me that her allowing the PETA folks to stick a sign in her front yard is going to net her thousands of dollars?! Hey! All of you nutjobs that actually donate money to PETA! Is that how you want your money being spent? In an advertising partnership with a mentally ill breeding sow?

By the way, the least ridiculous part of this is that there are only six kittens (from what I could count) in that picture that they're using. Clearly, math isn't their strong point and neither is accounting if they're paying this whack-a-do broad enough money to save her house from foreclosure! If they're giving out thousands of dollars to place advertising signs in individual's front yards, I am officially making it known that I am available! You want to pay me thousands of dollars to stick some sign in front of the moat at my walled off compound (to protect me from morons like PETA and Suleman), have at it. You can even make it say anything you want! I don't care! Just give me the twelve grand.

You want the sign to say "The owner of this compound participated in daily S&M sessions with Bob Barker. Have your pets spayed or neutered."? Go for it. That'll be twelve grand, please. That's absolutely ridiculous. But what might be more ridiculous is the amount of money that PETA must have if they can pull a stunt like this. Why can't I come up with an ingenious way for stupid people to give me all of their money? Why??

Sphere: Related Content

Random Thoughts du Jour

A few random thoughts....

There's going to be "Ocotmom - The Musical". I know, I know. People clearly have no shame. It's hard to say who is at a lower level, Octomom herself or the folks doing the musical. And according to bangstudio.com, the group putting on the shenanigans would be Cabaret Voltaire and they're currently looking for someone to play the role of OctoNutJob! Here's what they want:

Female, Mid 20’s - mid 30’s. Funny, whimsical, but not too charactery. (Not too charactery?! Have you SEEN her lately? OK, maybe I'm thinking cartoon charactery, but still.) She should be able to command authority, play broad range of facial expressions (expressions that will convey emotions such as "Eight?" "I'm not on welfare" and "I'm not a celebrity, but make sure you take pictures of my good side."), plus physical comedy. Sketch and improv experience a plus. Likable, energetic and at the same time able to be emotionally expressive and believable (and at the same time, un-believable). Can handle musical theatre and pop styles a plus. Actress who can move (including the ability to dodge questions left and right).

My only question is this: If you pay $20 to go see this thing, well....OK, I have two questions. The first one is: If you pay $20 to go see this thing, can I have all of the rest of your money? My second question is if you go to see this thing and you're in one of the front few rows, is it going to be like a Gallagher performance where everyone has to wear rain coats and plastic ponchos to protect themselves from flying debris?

Meanwhile, elsewhere in my brain.....

I've heard more than one news outlet report that the difficult economy is driving people to commit suicide. Really? Wow. I certainly hope I don't get that! That'd be horrible. I don't want to commit suicide! Oh, wait. That's right. I don't have to worry about that because it doesn't happen!
If...Paula...Ab...dul....could...stop....talking...in...such...a.halting....manner...it...

could...maybe...help..her....to....finish...a...com...plete...sentence....one...of...

these...days....But...even....if...she....could...speak...fluently....I....doubt....it....

would...help....her....make...more...sense. Seriously. Last night, she compared Adam Lambert to Michael Phelps. She said that every week "...it's like watching the Olympics and you're our Michael Phelps." Huh. Funny. I don't remember seeing Adam Lambert up there with a bong. Oh, wait. That's right. Paula probably had it.

Sunday on Celebrity Apprentice, Melissa Rivers, daughter of Joan, was fired by The Donald. Mother Joan didn't care for that too much and embarked on an amusing rant directed at Annie Duke and Brande Roderick. Among the myriad of insults that she hurled were gems such as, "I met your people in Las Vegas. None of them have last names. You’re a poker player. A poker player! That’s beyond white trash. Poker players are trash, darling, trash." Um, perhaps Joan is unaware that Annie Duke has won millions of dollars and a World Series of Poker bracelet playing poker. Not too many white trash folks can claim that. (Oh, she also compared her to Hitler. Again with the Hitler! Just to review, comparing Hitler and anyone else? NOT the same.)

Bonus Celebrity Apprentice: As Joan and her daughter, the newly ousted Melissa, were in the elevator (presumably to take them straight down to hell) as the doors were closing and in a show of excellent sportsmanship, not to mention CLASS, Melissa Rivers shouted, "Lying f**king whores." Huh. Apple. Tree. Stay classy, Rivers girls.

Meanwhile, over in New York, a 747 plane followed by two F-16 fighters did a flyby of downtown office buildings and the Statue of Liberty in Manhattan on Monday, sparking a panic amongst office workers (can you blame them?). Turns out there was no need to panic, it was just a White House photo-op in order to get pictures of Air Force One in front of some US landmarks. The problem was that no one was notified that this was going to be occurring, which accounted for the panicked deja vu reaction of practically everyone in the vicinity. And all of this at the low, low cost of only $328,835! First of all, I don't know who could possibly be so stupid that they would schedule this stunt and not tell anyone in New York about it. But aside from that, we live in the world of Photoshop. If you want pictures of Air Force One in front of the Statue of Liberty, then do it....from your computer! Cut and paste the Statue in the background and voila! Air Force One in front of the Statue of Liberty! Yep, your tax dollars hard at work, folks.

The swine flu thing is something to be concerned about, but I've learned that there's something to be even more concerned about. A different disease (not cancer) has killed 13,000 people in this country alone since January. So far, the swine flu has killed zero people in this country. The other disease? That's right...regular flu. Holy crap! The regular ol' flu kills around 36,000 people here in the US every year. That's like 100 people a day! Why aren't we talking about that ALL THE TIME?

A one Megan McAllister, the fiance of alleged Craigslist Killer, a one Philip Markoff, had been sticking to her belief/fantasy that his arrest had all been a terrible mistake and that he wasn't the one responsible for killing at least one woman and also for robbing at least one prostitute. She even issued a statement about a week ago denouncing the arrest and proclaiming that she still loved the guy and still planned to marry him in August. Now that's some loyalty right there. But lately, it seemed as if she was wavering on that loyalty. Hard to say what might have made her waver on that belief. Maybe it was the gun that they found inside of a hollowed out copy of Gray's Anatomy in his apartment. Perhaps the video surveillance tape with a guy on it that looks remarkably like Mr. Markoff. Or it could have been the victim's underwear that were also in his apartment. Regardless, the band that had been booked for their wedding is suddenly available on that date! Imagine! Of course, that still doesn't mean that she thinks he did it or anything. It just means that she's realized that he will likely be busy on that particular date and it would be best to wait until he has an opening in his calendar. Or an opening in the bars on the windows that he can crawl out of because that's going to be about the only way he'll be attending any wedding in the near future. Or in the far future.


I think that should do it for now. Cleared out a little space in my brain to make room for new and exciting bits of minutiae and mundane information. Stay tuned, won't ye?

Sphere: Related Content

How To Not Be A Good Parent

What we have here is a very strange case of what I'm dubbing "Irony by Idiots." It appears to be a protest going on in front of OctoMom Nadya Suleman's new home. She hasn't moved in just yet, but the media circus that follows her every waking move (she always starts off walking with her left foot; isn't that interesting? NO!) is constantly in full force. That gaggle of reporters must be quite trying for her new neighbors, who have just witnessed the disintegration of their calm and quiet little neighborhood. But back to the protest.

When I first saw this picture, I thought those folks looked a little young. They are. Because they're children. They can't be more than 12 at the most and two of them can't be more than 8! They have a lovely selection of posters with their messages of protest inked (surprisingly) neatly across them. We have such protesting statements (from the children) as:

• Get Ur tubes tied. (Um, she conceived through IVF. Having her tubes tied would not have made a difference.)
  
• Stop using ur kids for money! (You'd prefer she go back to your money, that of the taxpayer?)
  
• Go Back to Whittier! (Oh, grow up. Oh, wait. you're twelve.)
  
• Give The "Babies" a Good Home! (I am confused by the quotes around "babies", as people that are only 2 months old are babies. No need for quotes!)
  
• Stop having kids if you can't afford them! (I found it interesting they didn't go with the "U" and instead went with the "you", but they couldn't spell out "you're" and had to go with "ur". Odd.)
  

Now, these photos were lifted from some video footage over there at TMZ (without permission, nor malice) and I will credit the TMZ camera guy for seeing what this was at the beginning as he remarked to whoever he was with, "Child exploitation at it's best?" That's pretty accurate. But the shocker is that he's not talking about OctoMom.

The big kid in the front seems to be acting as the spokesperson for the Dingaling Brothers circus there. He tries to answer the questions with authority and anger, but instead he comes across as rather Jethro-ish. Below I've transcribed the interaction that TMZ filmed.

Other kids: Did you guys make all these signs?

Jethro: Nah.

Camera Guy: Is this your own idea?

Jethro: Yep.

Camera Guy: So you guys don't live here but you want her to go back? To where she's from? (Haven't we passed the "Go home!" with posters and protest stage in this country's history? I thought we had.)

Jethro: Yeah. (pause) We. Want. Her. To go back. (He's not the best spokesperson.)

Camera Guy: Why do you want her to go back?

Jethro: (Furrows brow. Hides behind sign. Still furrowing. Light bulb turns on over head!) Cause she's crazy! She's nutso! (Quick thinking there, Jethro. Good answer. Or not.)

Camera Guy: But you guys don't live here.

Woman behind camera guy: You guys don't live here, so how does it affect you?

Jethro: (Pause. Slowly tries to disappear behind his sign. No light bulb this time.)

Girl in middle: (Holds sign higher. Hopes for distraction.)

Camera Guy: Did your Mom put you up to this?

Jethro: (Deer in headlights look.)

Girl in middle: Yeah! Yeah, she did!

Jethro: (Laughing, laughing, laughing!)

Woman behind Camera Guy: Do you guys know who Nadya Suleman is?

Girl in middle: That creepy lady.

Just to make sure I understand this correctly, allow me to recap: Some poor excuses for parents sent their children over to stand in the street in front of OctoMom's new house (which she isn't even living in yet) with protest signs that don't make a lot of sense for a reason that I can't imagine. Regardless of the "reason", there's absolutely no justification for it at all. It never should have happened. Who are you people and what in the hell is wrong with you? You are either so spineless that you can't go out there and voice your own opinion yourself and so your selfishly make your children do it for you OR you set your children up to be in a situation that you knew would, more likely than not, get their picture in the media due to attention a stunt that like that would draw. That's how you raise your kids, yet you have a problem with Nadya Suleman? Oh, the irony.

I find it more than disturbing that the kids just wanted their picture taken for the news or whatever. They didn't care why. Those signs could have been advocating the legalization of child molestation and bestiality, they would have proudly stood there holding them and smiled away when the camera was pointed at them. But hey, their mom(s) put them up to it, so what else could they do but smile? ::::sigh::::: Good luck with your future, kids. With parents like that in charge of raising you, you're going to need all of the luck you can get.

Look, I have major problems with the choices that Nadya Suleman has made and seemingly continues to make. I have serious questions about her mental stability and the degree to which she is in touch with reality. That being said, I have no problems with protests of any sort, but only as long as: a) You're protesting against the correct antagonist, b) Your signs make sense (and preferably spell out the damn words), and c) You don't send your freaking children out to do it for you, you incompetent, self-serving, poor excuse for a parent that you are who exploited your own children for a purpose that doesn't matter because there's no justification for this!

Here's the thing: I'm sick of this woman. I am. She has perpetuated a mess of unimaginable proportions. (And it ranks right up there with AIG on my angry scale as to how ticked off I am. And I've been dealing with my anger toward AIG by dipping torch rags in oil once a day and waiting for the call to come that tells me the mob is beginning to assemble in the town square. Just to give you an idea of where that anger ranks on my scale.) But continuing to vent my anger toward Nadya Suleman is pointless. Being mad at her and her choices is likely pointless as well, but I'm still mad and that isn't changing. But what I think has to change is to realize that OctoMom couldn't have done this by herself. The "system" is flawed in so many, many ways and in this case, the "system" was her accomplice because (as far as we know), she legally took advantage of that system which enabled her to get to where she's at today. And it sucks, it's unfair, it's wrong beyond wrong and it's a whole lot of other things as well. But as far as we know, it's also legal. Therefore, while still harboring resentment and anger toward her, I'm redirecting the venting of my outrage toward the system.

When someone who doesn't have a job, isn't married, lives with their parents, and receives disability checks which are then spent on expensive IVF treatments which result in the birth of 14 children in a span of 7 years under those same circumstances, something in the "system" is broken, if not the entire system itself. That's why the system needs to change. Now. Because if it doesn't, this will happen again. And if we think we're angry now, how angry are we going to be if this happens again? Let's just say that pitchfork and torch salesmen would make a fortune.

But before anything can be changed, we need to know what's wrong FIRST. We might have an idea as to what's wrong and how this crap happens, but guessing in this instance really isn't the best approach. And while auditing the entire system in order to figure out where things are flawed will be expensive, it will pale in comparison to how expensive it's going to be if something isn't changed and if something isn't fixed. Soon.

Sphere: Related Content