Open Wide Inside The...Kitchen?

Fear prevents a lot of bad things from happening. In fact, fear is absolutely necessary. I see fear as being one of those things that can really help keep a person in line. If it wasn't for fear, humans would be doing all sorts of nutty stuff all the time. Jumping off of cliffs, flying kites in the rain, going to a dentist who runs his practice out of his kitchen. Wait. What?

Fresh from the pages of LoHud.com, we learn about a one Carlos Flores who "...had a dentist chair, the requisite tools and even the necessary drugs to treat dental patients in the kitchen of his Crompond Road home. The only thing he lacked was a license." Oh, sweet mother of God, WHAT?!?! The only thing he lacked was a license?! That's kind of the most important thing if you're asking me. It's right up there with a dental office out of which to run your practice of dentistry! I'm thinking an office was also lacking in this scenario in addition to the license.

(By the way, if you are susceptible to any sort of queasiness brought on my dentist/dental horror stories, you might want to stay away from this post. There are lovely pictures to accompany this tale of oral hell and they might cause that one feeling. You know, the one right before you yak all over your keyboard or pass out and whack your noggin on the mouse. Either way, not pleasant.)

If you're wondering how an out-of-kitchen dental office is discovered, "Police learned that Flores was running the practice after a man who went to him for a toothache wound up in the emergency room." You don't say? Someone who went to the Kitchen Dentist ended up in an emergency room? Now, when they say "emergency room", do they mean "emergency room" or do they mean "backyard" or perhaps "pantry"? After all, the guy was fine with "dentist's office" being in a "kitchen", so it's really hard to know.

"Flores attempted to pull his tooth and, in doing so, broke the tooth and caused further injury." Excuse me for a minute while I go and get a paper bag to breathe into so that I don't pass out. Oh. My. God. What else? "Among the equipment police seized were the dental chair, drills, orthodontic equipment and controlled substances used in dentistry. Flores claims to have been a licensed orthodontist in his native Ecuador, but police have not been able to confirm this." Um, who cares?! I don't care if he's a dentist in his native Ecuador. In case you hadn't noticed, his kitchen was in New York! I don't care if he's King of all of the dentists in Dental Land, if he's doing dentistry in his kitchen, nothing else matters! Nothing!

One of the detectives on the case, a Detective Sgt. Eric Johansen, said "It looks to be that he was catering to the poor, Hispanic population. He made indications to us that he had only done it for people who couldn't afford insurance." Well, I should hope so! I'd hate to think that someone who HAD insurance would be seeking out Gordon Ramsey, DDS over there!

But here's where it gets comical. (And I don't know about you, but I could use some amusement right about now.) "Most disturbing about the practice were the unsanitary conditions." WHAT are my other choices?! What else IS there other than the unsanitary conditions? Poor lighting? Bad taste in drapery? What else could there possibly BE?!?!

"The tools were blood-stained, and it appears as if he had no regard for any sanitary code." Wait. What? A guy practicing dentistry out of his kitchen had no regard for any sanitary code? Are you kidding me? I am shocked, just shocked, at that revelation! I mean, I would expect the practicing without a license, the questionable immigration status, the dental chair next to the stove, but no regard for any sanitary code? THAT just came from out of nowhere! Who would have ever thought THAT?! Why, this guy is starting to sound like he might not be much of a real dentist at all!

The guy was charged "...with unauthorized practice of a profession, a felony, and seventh-degree criminal possession of a controlled substance, a misdemeanor." Seventh-degree felony? What the hell is that? Seventh? Why bother? I don't get it. But you know what else I don't get? I don't get how things like this happen. Not the fact that the guy could be running a dental practice out of his kitchen, but how he would have any people to DO any dentistry ON out of his kitchen! I mean, I understand not having any cash for these sorts of things. But even still, I don't think I'd be staying in some guy's kitchen to have him work on my teeth! I just don't think I could do it. How do those people ever relax to the point where they can even open their mouth for him to peer in there (probably with his Black and Decker Snakelight and a big paper clip fashioned in the shape of a hook)?

Some stupidity is a team effort. This little story was a perfect example of one sort of stupidity. Without the people who were willing to pull themselves on up to the kitchen counter and let Dr. Dumbass there poke around in their mouth with garden implements or whatever else he had handy (spatula, meat thermometer, Bic ballpoint pen, anything really), Dr. Dumbass never would have been able to see his Dream Kitchen/Dental Office come to full fruition. A classic case of 'You scratch my back, I'll pull out your lower left molar with this hand vise.'

Sphere: Related Content

Merry Christmas 2008

I'm sure I could come up with something ludicrous to put here today. But I think I'll pass. It's Christmas. It just wouldn't seem....right. You know, kinda like one of those inflatable, lit up, manger scenes in someone's front yard? You know that the people mean well, but it just doesn't translate into the "feeling of Christmas" all that great.


I don't know if this is going to translate into the "feeling of Christmas" all that great either. So to make sure that nothing gets lost in translation, I'm keepin' it short. (But just in case it does get lost in translation, I'm really shootin' for the whole "feeling of Christmas" thing here. Just so you know.)

I'm grateful for this day because it's kinda where it all started or where it all starts. Without the events of this day, I wouldn't have a chance to be forgiven for all of the times and all of the things that I screw up. And there's a lot of 'em. Trust me. And it's not just me that has that opportunity. It's everyone. Including all of the morons that I mock incessantly. They too can (surprisingly) be forgiven for all of their evil-doings.

The whole Christmas thing just makes me happy. And I try to share that happiness with others when given the opportunity. (And in forms other than this blog. Hey. Why are you laughing?) And this year I had an excellent opportunity to spread my own little version of happiness and I totally took fully advantage of said opportunity (seemingly to the delight of others; which was the point.) I also try to enjoy those around me and those in my life and give them just one day where their obvious shortcomings don't annoy me. That's my way of spreadin' the joy. That alone makes others grateful as well.

(You know, I really do have more heartfelt feelings about people in my life than I either care to admit or am capable of expressing without either scaring the other person or becoming inadvertently engaged to four different individuals when I'm done.)

So Merry Christmas. Now go spread some cheer. Or some love. Or both. You've got the whole rest of the year for all of the other crap. Today? Love, cheer, and thanks. Spread a little of that around, will ya? It's Christmas, for cryin' out loud!

Sphere: Related Content

It's A Christmastime House Fire!

(Side note: My apologies for the lateness of this post. I could have just bagged it for the day, but I haven't gone 358 days straight with a blog post only to miss a day one week before the year is over. No way. I might be lazy, but I enjoy a good streak. And if you had the day that I had yesterday, you would have been exhausted also. I was caught up in a whirlwind of a plethora baked goods and, oddly enough, Quarter Pounders With Cheese. It was a heckuva day. Very tasty, but a heckuva day and I was exhausted. I'm just sayin'.)

What I like about Christmas is that even though things are all, you know, Christmas-y and stuff, some things never change. Things may look a little different and they may even feel a little different, but beneath it all, everything is just the way it has always been. It's just brightly decorated and festive right now is all. Underneath all of those twinkling strands of lights is all that you've been familiar with all along. And idiots are no exception. Idiots abound all year 'round! And not just in Florida, either! (Though that is where the headquarters are located.) Idiots are everywhere.

This year's Christmas time tale of "What could possibly go wrong?" comes to us from New Bedford, Massachusetts, where a homeowner decided that it was time to remove the ice from the back porch of his house. He decided to do so by hooking his blowtorch up to a 20 pound propane cylinder and using that to thaw the ice. Do you see where I'm going with this festive tale? (If you were hoping for a Christmas miracle, well, you're going to be disappointed.)

It would seem that some genius decided that the element of fire would be the best way to thaw ice. And while that does follow the guidelines for the physical properties of both ice and heat, that science doesn't exactly take into consideration the element of the wood. ie, The wood that the house is built out of. (Ooooohhhh! THAT wood!) Yes. That wood, Einstein.

According to South Coast Today "...the building's owner was trying to melt the snow and ice on the back porch using a large torch hooked up to a 20-pound propane cylinder." Now, for those of us who may not be Hank Hill, a 20-pound propane cylinder is roughly the standard size tank that is commonly seen on BBQ grills. Maybe about the size of 10 human heads, creatively stacked. It's a lot. Remember, this guy was trying to thaw ice, not cook a steak. Meat? A little denser than ice. (I have no idea if meat is really more dense than ice. It seems like it would be, however, so I went with it. I might be a liar, but I'm an honest one.) But regardless of the thickness of the object the flame is point at, fire is fire and it's going to burn things that burn. Ice. Meat. Wood. All burners. All highly susceptible to the almighty "flame".

The South Coast Today article also states that "Those who were home escaped safely after being alerted by smoke alarms." (This sentence roughly translates into "Those who were home escaped after hearing the man who set the house on fire yelling, "Oh, S***! I set the G-D house on fire!") It took about 25 firefighters approximately 30 minutes to extinguish the flames of idiocy. "Snow and ice impeded the fire trucks' mobility. Firefighters guarded against hoses freezing and prevented streets from icing over from the running water." Huh. Funny, I'm not reading about how the firefighters prevented the streets from freezing by using a blowtorch on them! Not surprisingly but definitely unfortunately, those thirty minutes were enough to do around $30,000 worth of damage to the home. Ho, ho, nooooo!

"The homeowner will not be charged in the accidental fire." Charged with what, exactly? Not stopping and thinking? Failure to ponder? Did he do this around products that specifically say "Do not store near heat or flame"? (That was the question, wasn't it? Can this moron be charged with anything? Nope! He's already clearly guilty of being a moron. And besides, it's Christmas! Let's let the moron be with his family during this, the most holiest time of the year.)

Fortunately, there was a quote from Fire Captain Kruger that will provide us all with a bit of knowledge to tuck away in our brains for future use. He said, "This is an example of how you should not use a cutting torch to thaw out frozen water pipes or anything else. When you have wood framing, it will cause a fire." Wait. I take that back. Don't store that way for future use. Laugh at it and toss it away. Far, far away. That's because this is NOT "...an example of how you should not use a cutting torch to thaw out frozen water pipes or anything else." It's an example of how fire burns things!! Fire burns a LOT of things! And regardless, I was not under the impression that people in general needed a refresher course every now and then as to what it is that fire actually does! It's really not a complicated lesson. Here, I'll tell you all you need to know about fire that will help you make rational decisions in regard to fire in the future. Ready? (Feel free to take notes if you'd like.) It's hot! It burns! It hurts! Lesson over. Who wants egg nog?

And it's not just because the guy had "wood framing" that there was a fire. It wasn't spontaneous combustion. It was what now? The idiot, that is correct.

You know, maybe it's just because it's Christmas, but I'm kinda starting to feel sorry for the guy. I mean, after all, he was probably outside trying to get the ice off of the back porch because it was easier than being all warm and toasty inside where his wife was constantly nagging him about something. If she wasn't nagging then she was telling some insanely boring story about people he'd never met and, if he was lucky, never would have to meet. So he goes outside for a little peace and quiet and warmth from the light blue glow of the torch tip and what happens? Dammit, if that siding did not just catch on fire at the very moment he leaned over to light his Marlboro! Of all the bad luck! Now the guy is stuck with his wife in some hotel or some other small quarters that he cannot escape from. And you know that until the end of time, this guy, on every Christmas, is going to have to hear his wife say, "Remember how Bill burned down the house that one Christmas Eve?" or "Remember the time that Bill was drunk and tried to melt off the ice and burned the house down instead?" or "Bill, tell your niece's new boyfriend about the time that you damn near killed us all by setting the house on fire on Christmas Eve!"

What am I saying? He set the house on fire with a blowtorch he was using to melt ice! He deserves every second of it! Just as you deserve this Christmas knowledge that I have bestowed upon you. Use it wisely. The gift of knowing all about fire is nothing to take for granted.

Sphere: Related Content

The Note Wrote

You know, sometimes you meet someone who you end up thinking is just swell. You think they're just amazing. You're not in reverence of them or anything like that, but they're just....different? You realize that they bring something to your life that you probably didnt even know was missing. Maybe "missing" isn't the exact right word, but it's sort of like that. It's just that when you hang out with this person or when you talk or text or email, it's just enjoyable and pleasant. And you really, really dig it.

Now, let's just say for the sake of the argument (and so that I know what I'm talking about) that you haven't known this person all that long. Maybe, say, 6 months or so. And really, if you look back, it might be considered amazing that the two of you still even speak, let alone are friends. Maybe not impossibly amazing, but depending on what you're reflecting upon, there are definitely moments that would make a current friendship seem unlikely at best. But really, you hope that during that time that you've given to the other person at least what they've given to you. Meaning that part of the friendship that really makes it worth it for you and that you really can't always vocalize or put into words that make a whole lot of sense (or take less than an hour to spit out).

It's the part that makes you want to call them when you've had a day that was a suckfest. And it's the part that makes you want to call them even more when you've had a great day. It's the part that draws you to them when you want someone to hang out with. Or someone to have a discussion with. Or someone you just want to run an idea by.

It's the part that makes you want to back up everything you've said, so they'll know you're not full of crap. It's the part that makes you tell them that you'll stand by them, so they'll know they won't have to be alone. (And that's the part that makes you want to. And that's the part that makes you.) It's the part that has you finding yourself scoping out other people to see if they possess the same traits that make this person so incredible to you, just so you can see how common it is. And it's the part that makes you realize that other people are not the same, which makes you more grateful and more thankful that you guys are friends.

It's the part that is articulate and well read. That is caring and warm. That is sarcastic and witty (but not funnier than me). That is strong and resilient. That is brilliant and thoughtful. That is honest and truthful. That is kind and reassuring. That comforts and listens well. That is fun and playful (but not a golden retriever). That is an amazing mother to her children. That is the most genuine person you've ever met. And that is, quite frankly, so ridiculously beautiful it's almost impossible to put it into words other than "ridiculously beautiful".

And then Christmas time rolls around. And you're not totally sure if it's all that easy of a time of year for them. Sure you know they like Christmas and all, but there might be some other things that could get in the way of total enjoyment. I mean, you're not sure, but you don't really know that you should ask either. Just because. They know that you know. But it's all of those things that they are, and it's all of those things that they've shared with you; and it's all of those things that they've given to you (more than you're sure they realize) that just makes you want to do whatever you can to make sure that your friend has a merry Christmas.

It's been a while since I've known someone like the person described above. Everything happens for a reason. I might not be totally sure of the reasons why we met or why we know each other or why we stuck things out, but that's OK. What matters is that we're friends and I'm grateful for that. Now, just let me do what I do, because I think you deserve every bit of it. Because I want you to have a good Christmas. And because I think you're just swell.

Sphere: Related Content

It's A Festivus For The Rest Of Us!

Happy Festivus, everybody (all eight of you)!

That's right! It's December 23, the official day of the unofficial holiday of Festivus! For those of you unclear on the concept of Festivus, allow me.

It was December 18, 1997. A Thursday, as I recall. It was late in the evening, perhaps around 9pm, when the 'Seinfeld' episode "The Strike" first aired. It was during that episode that the Frank Costanza character explained to Kramer how it came to be that he, Frank himself, had invented Festivus. According to Frank, "Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way....But out of that a new holiday was born: a Festivus for the rest of us!" And God bless 'im! God bless all the "Seinfeld" cast!!

Just like Christmas and other traditional holidays (or, at least, holidays most people have heard of) there are decorations and activities galore! But unlike Christmas, there is no tree. That's right! No tree! (Happy now, environmentalists? Happy now, all of you 'Save the Rainforest' freakazoids? Happy?!!) Instead there is a pole. According to Frank, the reason for the pole is that "It requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting....It's made from aluminum. Very high strength-to-weight ratio." (I, too, find tinsel, and other shiny objects, quite distracting. So this is a welcome element to the tradition because sometimes I...hey! What's blinking over there....?)During the year when it is not Festivus season, the pole is stored away (similar to what you do with your artificial Christmas tree if you have chosen to destroy the environment that way). Frank stores his in the crawlspace of the attic. (I thought I'd throw that in there in case you were for at a loss as to what you could do with your Festivus pole throughout the year.)

There doesn't seem to be a "traditional" Festivus food or meal. You can pretty much have whatever you want. After all, it's Festivus! But immediately after the big Festivus meal has been served (you kind of just assume that whatever it is, it's going to be big. I don't know why, but you just do.) that is when the traditional activities of the holiday take place. And you don't want to miss these. Oh, no! First up, the Airing of Grievances.

The Airing of Grievances, again according to Frank Costanza, "...consists of lashing out at others and the world about how one has been disappointed in the past year." (Interesting. That was just known as "dinnertime" in my house growing up.) It sounds like a fab-ulous idea! Better yet, there's no need to apologize or hug and make up after you've aired all said grievances! Wonderful! Festivus, a holiday of liberating proportions! (In "The Strike" Frank gets the Airing of Grievances rolling by starting with "The tradition of Festivus begins with the Airing of Grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now, you're gonna hear about it. You, Kruger. My son tells me your company STINKS!" Again, most excellent!)

Once grievances are aired and the Festivus (or Feastivus) is completed, then it is time for the Feats of Strength! The Feats of Strengths follow these guidelines: "Traditionally, the head of the household selects one person at the Festivus celebration and challenges that person to a wrestling match. The person may decline if they have something else to do, such as pull a double shift at work. Tradition states that Festivus is not over until the head of the household is pinned in a wrestling match." It sort of has that WWF feel to it, only without all of the fakery and the steroids (as far as we know). As we all know what a stressful time the holiday season can be, I suggest having an ample supply of protective headgear available for the very young and the elderly. Everyone else just has to tough it out. It's unclear in the Festivus yore if the head of the household pins his wrestling opponent of choice if he selects another victim or if that poor sap must continue until, if ever, he pins down the household head.

Judging from the way that Festivus was invented, it's pretty safe to say that there is no gift giving during the Festivus holiday. And that's just fine because in reality? Most people are not very good gift givers. Just take George Costanza, Frank's son. The son that he was buying the doll for when all hell broke loose. During the same episode in which Festivus was introduced to the rest of the world (or, at least, the world with US television programming) George gave "charitable donations" in the recipient's name as Christmas gifts that year. It's the one gift that people don't like, don't want, and will never say another word about. Why? Because it's a charity! You can't bad mouth a charity! (But you can bad mouth George because his "charity" was fictional. He made it up. Thus, all of his Christmas gifts said "A donation has been made in your name to 'The Human Fund: Money For People.' ")

What a glorious holiday! Aluminum poles, aired grievances, feats of pinning strength! It all sounds very cathartic. What could possibly go wrong?! Both nothing and everything, that is correct. Just let the thing run it's course and you'll be fine either way. So again, Happy Festivus everyone! Where's my pole?

Sphere: Related Content

Is There A Back Up Poet? Just In Case?

Meanwhile, as a select group of people continue to freak out over the selection of Pastor Rick Warren to do something at the Presidential Inauguration (all I can figure out is that he's going to speak. I don't know why, I don't know what about. He'll be there and there will be words coming out of his mouth. That's all I've got for you.), there is a simply grand story that seems to be getting lost in all of the made up fervor over Pastor Warren. And what's the one thing that would make for even better pre-inaugural scrutinizing fodder than a "controversial" pastor? That's right, the Inaugural Poet! What? Wait. There's an inaugural poet?

There is NOW! Meet one Elizabeth Alexander, a friend of Barry's and his choice to write and recite a poem at the inauguration. Now, just because you're about to be sworn in as President of the United States, that doesn't mean that you have to have a poet. You can go poetless. After all, there have only been three other poets prior to Ms. Alexander and the first one was Robert Frost who was selected by JFK, so it's not like some age-old practice steeped in tradition. The only other President who felt the need for things to rhyme on a cold January afternoon was Bill Clinton and he felt the need to do so twice. (It must have felt pretty good the first time in order for Bill to want to do it again.)

Now, if I were being inaugurated as President of the United States (Hey! Stop laughing over there!) and I had to pick an Inaugural Poet, I'd go with Dr. Seuss. Yeah, I know he's dead, but I'd have one of his relatives fill in or something. It would be awesome! You can say anything in a Dr. Seuss-like fashion and it will sound cheery and good! You could stand up there and announce impending doom and it would just sound cheery!

I must confess!

This country's a mess!

And by the end of the year

You'll have a lot less!

See? See how I did that? AND you liked it even though the message it sends is "We suck." But do you see how you just didn't care when it was presented in that manner? It's all about delivery. Well, that and location, location, location.

But back to the poet. If you're going to be all rhyme-y, but not in a Seuss-esque manner, you really have to try and make it so that people want to hear your poem. That's why there isn't such a big call for poets these days. They leave out the Seuss and they leave out the stuff-that-people-like factor as well. And then what do you have? Open-mike poetry night once a month at the local pub, that is correct. I mention these things because I've run across and read some of Ms. Alexander's work. It is, in a word, breathtaking. It is also, in a word, long. Really long. So I'll just give you a sample. You can find the entire poem and others (oh, there are others, all right!) on Elizabeth Alexander's website. But, in the meantime, behold!

"Is
funky, is
leaky, is
a soggy, bloody crotch, is
sharp jets of breast milk shot straight across the room,
is gaudy, mustard-colored poop, is
postpartum tears that soak the baby’s lovely head."

Oh, what the hell is that?! Um, does that say "mustard-colored poop"? (Gives a whole new meaning to "Grey Poupon" now, doesn't it?)And did she also mention a "soggy, bloody crotch"? (Enjoying this yet, guys?!) Yes, I believe she mentioned both of those, um, things. And just so you know, in case you can't bring yourself to read the entire thing, she also mentions, in the same poem, "poop" "apricot juice" "pregnant" "sensible shoes", a "mammoth giblet", "Tupperware", a "bloody mesa", "cast-off meat", "breast", "placenta", a "Senegalese head wrap", "OB-Gyn", "a loaf of whole wheat bread", "electric breast pumps", "each exhausted tit", "human cargo", and of course, the ones you were waiting for, "Karl Malden" and "The Streets of San Francisco". Um, WTF?!

I'll be the first to admit, I don't understand a whole lot of poetry. I mean, I get it, I just don't understand why it's supposed to be so great. What? Because it has short and choppy little sentences? (That would be Reason Number ONE why I could never become a poet.) I don't know, I just don't get it. But before now, the poetry that I didn't get was fairly normal. This poetry that I don't get, seems a bit....what's the word?.....oh, whack-a-doo.

Seriously. A placenta? Karl Malden? Well, I tried to give this woman the benefit of the doubt and thought that maybe she was just having an overly creative (I use that term loosely) day when she came up with that, um, piece of work. So I read some other poems. She has one called "The Venus Hottentot". I really like the word "hottentot" and not just because it reminds me of something else that I love, tater tots. But when I read this poem, it was nothing like the hottentots I like to think of. No, it was a little more....what's the word?......oh, whack-a-doo. Behold! Hottentot-ism!

"Her genitalia
will float inside a labeled

pickling jar in the Musee
de l’Homme on a shelf

above Broca’s brain
"The Venus Hottentot.”

Elegant facts await me
Small things in this world are mine."

WHY is no one talking about THIS?!?! Are you kidding me?! Wait, don't get me wrong. I don't have a problem with this woman being the Inaugural Poet. (If I have a problem with anything, it's that she gets $20,000 to do this. That seems excessive, especially whatever she cranks out is anything like the Hottentot Homage here.) I'm just perplexed as to why this hasn't been jumped all over yet! Are all of the media outlets who have been in the tank for Barry since Day One afraid that it will damage his Messiah-like image that his veal calf-esque followers believe him to have? I really can't speculate too much because my jaw is still trying to pick itself up off of the floor. But every other person who is intentionally or inadvertently thrust into the media spotlight, especially if the person has anything at all to do with the campaign or politics in general (ie, Joe the Freaking Plumber, Reverend Jeremiah Wright, the yet-to-be-acquired Presidential Pet, etc.), they are soon watching their entire life flash before them...usually on the 10 o'clock news.

Back to the Hottentot for a moment. (There's a sentence I never thought I'd say, kind of always hoped that I would, and really didn't want to in this context.) Again, I repeat, I don't get a lot of this poetry stuff, so there could be a reasonable interpretation from this excerpt I'm about to share, but I don't know what it is. Maybe you do. Behold! Hottentot, Part Deux!

"Monsieur Cuvier investigates
between my legs, poking, prodding
sure of his hypothesis.
I half expect him to pull silk
scarves from inside me, paper poppies,
then a rabbit! He complains
at my scent and does not think
I comprehend"

Well, OK then. WHY HAVEN'T I HEARD ABOUT THIS BEFORE NOW?!!? Good Lord, we're all doomed.....

Look, I'm all for new things. Change is good (from what I hear). But I don't know if I'm ready for the sort of change that has things like "between the legs investigations" mentioned in the Inauguration Ceremony by the Inaugural Poet. I just don't think I'm that evolved. Actually, I don't know if I will ever be that evolved. I don't want to forever more associate Barry with "placenta". It would be wrong. Not to mention disturbing. On many levels.

But I do trust Barry. I think he has pretty sound judgment. So if the bloody placenta woman is good enough for him, well, :::gulp:::: then I guess the bloody placenta woman is good enough for me too. (Who said that?! WTF?!)

So be sure to tune in to the inauguration ceremony on January 20, 2009! And listen in for any of the oh-so-NOT-poetic words discussed here today. (You know, "placenta", "Tupperware" and the like.) By the way, to give you an idea of what sort of poetry would have been perfectly acceptable to me to have read at the Presidential Inauguration, I present to you the best poem ever by a cartoonist impersonating a penguin impersonating a poet.

Sphere: Related Content

Guess Who Is Against Gay Marriage?

It is only three days before Christmas! Unbelievable. Actually, what's more unbelievable than that is the fact that instead of having nothing done (like I usually do), I actually have some things done! Now that's what I call progress. (But I never would have instigated it on my own, so thanks.) Oh, if only others could be so fortunate as to experience some progress in their own lives. Ah, who am I kidding? Forget progress. I'd settle for those folks to gain some awareness or some knowledge. Heck, even just being well informed would be the best thing that could ever happen to some folks.

Barry, er, President Elect Obama has selected Pastor Rick Warren to deliver the inaugural invocation at Obama's swearing-in ceremony. Rick Warren founded the Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, CA in 1980. It's what some (not me) call a Megachurch because it's huge. Really, the only words that 'mega' should proceed are "-opolis" (which isn't really a word, but for this purpose, it counts) and "millions". But I suppose that when you're the founder of something, you can call it whatever you want to and then just pretend that others don't mock you for it. Some folks are unhappy (translation: way pissed) at the Rick Warren invite. Now, who do you think those people would be? Who has been throwing a fit ever since the beginning of November? You know, after a certain Proposition on the ballot in California passed? That's right, the gays.

Gays haven't been all that happy with Rick Warren when, according to the associated folks over there at the AP, "....he publicly supported California's Proposition 8, which amended the state Constitution to ban gay marriage." All of that even though "Warren has said that he has nothing personally against gays, he has condemned same-sex marriage." And that's one of my huge issues that I have with those who think that everyone who is against same-sex marriage is someone who hates those who are gay. That's not it. Someone can be against same-sex marriage and have nothing against those who are gay. Yeah, but try telling that to those who are all up in arms right now.

But here's the thing: Here's the one thing that almost everyone, I mean almost everyone seems to have either missed or forgotten or didn't hear or something because it is never and I mean never brought up. Barack Obama, known lovingly by me as Barry, is against gay marriage. (Wait for it.........aaaannnndddd.......now!) WHAT?!?!

Correct. Barry, er, President Elect Obama is against gay marriage. Obama believes that a "marriage" should be between a man and a woman. That being said, Obama is also all for those who are gay having the same rights as those who are not gay. I interpret that to mean that he would support giving all of the benefits that a traditional marriage receives to couples who have entered into a legal civil union or domestic partnership (depending upon their state). So, he's in favor of allowing same-sex couples to enter into a legal commitment with each other, just as long as it isn't called a "marriage". Once that commitment is legally enacted, then the same-sex couple would have everything that the traditionally married couples have, except for the word "marriage".

Do you get that, all of you boneheads out there who think that Rick Warren is a hate mongering bigot? Obama is against same-sex marriage! (For the record, so is Joe Biden. So is Hillary Clinton. So is Grandpa McCain and that Alaska woman. All of them! All against gay marriage!) One more time: Obama is against same-sex marriage! How, how, how for the love of Bert and Ernie (Yep, stole that from ya too!) have you people missed that this entire time?! (And for the record, they deny it, but I'm pretty sure Bert and Ernie would have been in favor of gay marriage...if you know what I mean.) I mean, I know Barry is a good speaker and all, but was he so good that he was able to say that, out loud, and not have you realize that he was saying that he was against gay marriage? He must be, because he did!

I suppose I shouldn't just get on the backs of the gays (Dear God, NO pun intended there!) with this issue. Every time I have heard or read about it being reported in the media, do you think the reporting media brings it up? NO! Of course not! Why is that? Because modern journalism is craptastic, that is correct. You'd think at least ONE media outlet would bring it up. Come on, now even the guys at FOXNews??!! You're slacking over there!

So, once again, the focus is directed at the wrong target and it's misguided focus to begin with, rendering the whole debacle absolutely freaking useless and baseless. The gays are anti-Rick Warren, but they're still pro-Obama? How does that work? Shouldn't you not give a fat rat's ass about Rick Warren and be anti-Barry? After all, Barry is the one in charge. It wasn't like it was Rick Warren's decision to get up there and invoke some inaugural inauguration. (Oh, did that come across as my having no idea exactly what Rick Warren will be doing? Yeah, that's probably because I don't. I don't have a clue. Not one. I've got nothin'.) It was Barry's choice. Why aren't there a bunch of Boycott Barry rallies? :::::sigh::::: Because they don't know. Because they're misinformed. Because they're misguided. All the more wisdom to hope for a Christmas miracle so that these people will see the light!

I just don't understand how no one mentions this or, more importantly, seems to know this. Barry's said it multiple times and he's said it very clearly - he is against same-sex marriage. Did you people who are shocked and stupified at his choice of Rick Warren not get that part? Did you miss it? Were you sleeping in on ALL of the days that he said it? Did you bump your head right after he said it and it just fell right on out of your head? How does someone miss that? How?! (It's actually a little frightening if you think about it. What if Barry made it as far as he has based solely on an excellent public speaking ability and charisma? That would mean that an entire nation is completely capable, regardless as to what they'd like to believe, of being swayed in one direction by someone who is nothing more than a charismatic individual who is "liked" by the masses. We're doomed.)

That is why, during this, the most holiest of all seasons, I am going to pray for knowledge for those poor, softheaded, moronic, boneheaded twits out there who just don't get it. I'm going to hope like hell that they wake up one day and understand that you can like someone who doesn't agree with your every belief. I hope that they can understand that "hate" isn't the reasoning behind people's beliefs in their traditions. I hope like hell they can understand that Barry is a good guy (he's not a Muslim!), but he's not going to be their Messiah. But most of all I hope that these folks will understand and accept that people don't have to agree with you to be on your side. And if you think that they do have to agree in order to fully support you, then I hope even more that you don't continue to do asinine things that will alienate those who really are your allies, whether you can see that or not. All of that I hope for during this, the most holiest time of the year.

Join me, won't you?

Sphere: Related Content

The Guitar Hero Effect

Mock all you want. You know who you are. (Yes, YOU.) So go ahead and mock. All you want (as I just said). Mock, mock, mock. But there won't be any mocking of the facts. That's right. The facts! And the facts are, the Guitar Hero franchise is a freaking money making machine! Ah-HA! I knew it! I knew I wasn't the only one who played that damn thing. (How many hours of my life have I spent on that thing? Who knows? All I know is that it is time I will never get back. Ever. It's gone. And was it worth it? Hell, yes.)

I knew the whole Guitar Hero thing was huge, but I didn't know just how huge. In the past 12 months, the sale of music video games like Guitar Hero and Rock Band hit $1.9 billion. Yes, billion with a 'B'. Billion. 1.9. Holy crap. And get this: According to the pop culture folks over there at PopEater, "Aerosmith made more money off the June release of "Guitar Hero: Aerosmith" than either of its last two albums." June. Of 2008. That's six freaking months ago! Man, if the Federal Government could figure out somehow to weasel their way into the video game industry, that budget problem we keep hearing about? Solved! And not just solved. Solved and fun!

And the revenue fun doesn't stop with just the sale of the game. Oh, no. There have been 55 million times that game-playable songs have been downloaded to the tune of about $1.99. Each. And with all of this cash and the fame and glory naturally comes the bitching and the lawsuit filing. Not necessarily in that order and not necessarily by the same person.

In what was quite possibly the stupidest lawsuit ever brought by a band against a video game maker (and I have no idea how many there have been, but it doesn't matter because this will continue to the the stupidest lawsuit of its kind (ie, band v. game guys) from now until the end of time. It's that ridiculous.), The Romantics sued Activision for infringement of rights. (Now, I know The Romantics were an 80s band, but was there really that much fringe?) Oh, they had licensed the song from The Romantics, sure. Activision was given permission to have a cover band do the song "What I Like About You" for the Guitar Hero Encore: Rocks the 80s game. The problem? The Romantics said that the song that the cover band recorded sounded too much like The Romantics did, thus allegedly infringing upon the group's rights to its own likeness.

Sure, you can record our song! Sure, make it sound like our song! Hey, wait a minute! Not that much!! That's not us!! We don't sound like that! We sound like this! Yes, we know they sound the same. But they're different! That's the point! Different is supposed to be different and that different is the same and it can't be the same because it's supposed to be different! You buying any of that? I didn't think so. A judge didn't buy it either and tossed their suit out. (The only thing that would have made it better is if the judge had tossed The Romantics right on out along with the suit.)

Then there's Axl Rose. Axl has spent the last 13 years working on a Guns N' Roses album titled "Chinese Democracy". That's correct. Thirteen years. It was finally released at the end of November to much less fanfare than it would have been released to if Axl had finished it about 12 years ago. And he's apparently built up quite a head of steam over the folks at Activision and what he claims is unauthorized usage of Guns N' Roses songs in Guitar Hero III (which featured Slash, the awesome guitar player for Guns N' Roses back in the day. "The day" being when the band was together and Axl and Slash could actually stand to be in the same room with each other and shoot up heroin together.).

Axl got a little bloggy with it the other day and penned this missive: "[Slash] being Guitar Hero’s fine but not when Activision in using Jungle, having Yahoo use Sweet Child unauthorized, claims no involvement with Slash, his or anyone's image or VR or anyone or anyone's music in either camp in promotion or commercials etc. I wasn't broadsided. I read about it as it moved along but Activision continually denied it right up to the release. That’s some low life chicanery on all their parts." Wow. I was just reading that in my head and it felt like my tongue was all fuzzy trying to get through it. (He does get points for the use of "chicanery", however. Very nice. I like a vast vocabulary in my nearly forgotten rockers of yester-year.) He continued (Yes! There's more!) with: "Yes Slash was in Guns and on Jungle (and the whole I came to him for his riff is as much crap as him saying he brought Locomotive and Coma in as complete songs) and he has rights to perform it but not to be represented in this context in association with Guns. And since they weren't granted the license it’ll take some sorting." I see. (My tongue's all fuzzy again.)

Axl also claims that he is the "only member" of Guns N' Roses that is left. Um, wait. If you're the only one left, that means that everyone else is gone, correct? Thus, wouldn't that constitute the band being dismantled and having, thusly, NO members? I found that amusing. It's like saying, "Our band broke up, but I'm still here." That doesn't mean you're still the band! But here's the thing: This is the first time that Axl has voiced his displeasure with the whole dealio. Just now. December, 2008. Guitar Hero III was released in December. December 2007!

Seriously, Axl, how upset can you be? It's been a year. Is this news to you? I can't imagine that it is. I guess now that the ol' album is finally done you have plenty of spare time to bitch about stuff, is that it? Perhaps spend just a few moments learning a tad bit more about the English language and how to compose a sentence. Don't get me wrong, all of your words made sense...independently of each other. But stringing them together in an attempt to form some sort of a coherent sentence? Not so good. Might want to work on that....right after you get over yourself.

And while Axl has no reason to bitch, I do. Sometimes things that are successful also get a little full of themselves. Just like Axl. And while I'm not comparing the two or justifying either one, I just have to ask, what in the hell were the folks over there at Guitar Hero thinking when they made all of their advertisements for the game center around Bob Seger's "Old Time Rock and Roll" and then did not include the song in the game?! What is wrong with you people? What good does that do? Yes, it's a catchy tune! Yes, a lot of people like it! Yes, a lot of people will hear that and want to buy the game! But do you know why they would want to buy the game after hearing that song? Because they will think the song is IN the game!! What part of that concept got lost over there, Guitar Hero guys?

What if you went to the grocery store and you bought a box of Cheerios because those toasty oaty O's on the front of the box looked really tasty. (OK, for this example, I suppose you might also want to pretend you haven't eaten in a few days, because I really can't think of any other reason that Cheerios might look appetizing, let alone desirable.) And then I get the box home and I open it up and I'm all excited for the Cheerios and I go to pour them in my bowl and nothing comes out! By not putting "Old Time Rock and Roll" on the actual Guitar Hero World Tour game, it's exactly like not getting any Cheerios. Exactly. Well, minus the toasty oaty goodness of the O's. But other than that? Identical.

Sphere: Related Content