Don't Waste Your Waste

Ever just feel the need to tell someone to "eat s***"? Well, now you can do that and it's actually a possibility for them, thanks to some Japanese scientists who "...have actually discovered a way to create edible steaks from human feces." Oh, Japan. Is there anything that you can't do?

According to an article over at Yahoo! News, a one "Mitsuyuki Ikeda, a researcher from the Okayama Laboratory, has developed steaks based on proteins from human excrement." That's right. There are proteins in your poop. It's really not so much "Who knew?" as much as it is "Who cares? But I'll tell you who cared. Tokyo Sewage, that's who. Well, they might not have cared about the protein part, but they were concerned about the poop part. They had too much sewage mud. So they went to a wacky Japanese scientist and asked him what he could do with it. I don't know that they were expecting to get lunch out of the deal, but that seems to be what has happened.

I'm going to just interject a thought right here. What's wrong with fertilizer? Isn't poop good fertilizer? Don't they have crops that need...boosting or whatever you want to call it? Why wasn't fertilizer this scientist's first thought? How come he went right to"I wonder if we could eat it?"

I guess the poop, er, sewage had a lot of bacteria in it because there was a lot of protein in it. That's when they "... extracted those proteins, combined them with a reaction enhancer and put it in an exploder which created the artificial steak." OK, I think that someone is taking their liberties just a bit too far to start describing this stuff as "steak". Seriously? I'm thinking that if you're going to go with anything other than poo, you really can't just jump to "steak". They claim that "The “meat” is 63% proteins, 25% carbohydrates, 3% lipids and 9% minerals." Hmm. Now, if I read that right, the sewage is where the protein was. So that means that almost two-thirds of this little treat comes from waste. I don't even want to KNOW where the carbohydrates come from, so don't bother asking. I am NOT researching THAT.

And get this: "The scientists hope to price it the same as actual meat, but at the moment the excrement steaks are ten to twenty times the price they should be thanks to the cost of research." Ten to TWENTY times MORE than REAL meat?! No thanks! I don't care how many greenhouse gases this would eliminate! I'm not paying twenty times more than I need to in order to eat a burger made out of poo! What say I pay twenty times less than that and get a meal with NO POO in it? OK?

This scientist claims to understand "...the psychological barriers that need to be surmounted knowing that your food is made from human feces." Wow. Psychological barriers. That might be the understatement of my lifetime. But do you know what they're hoping will persuade people to dive right in? They're hoping that "...people will be able to overlook that ugly detail in favor of perks like environmental responsibility, cost and the fact that the meat will have fewer calories."

Environmental responsibility? I recycle, for cryin' out loud! I feel as if I'm doing my part. I am not going above and beyond sorting out my cans and bottles by eating a s*** sandwich! Al Gore weighs four hundred pounds and I'll bet that he wouldn't eat one of those things either. And are they really going to throw the "fewer calories" at us? Seriously, this thing could make me drop twenty pounds each time I ate it and I still wouldn't touch it. You know why? Because it's made of human excrement, that is correct! And do you know what has even fewer calories than eating the Japanese s*** sandwich? NOT eating the Japanese s*** sandwich.

This is a terrible idea that needs to be filed away in the "They Mean Well" category. There are plenty of other examples out there of things that were made, but they just didn't turn out so well. The Yugo. A McPizza. Geometry. All had humble beginnings but just never really panned out. This needs to go in that category. Immediately.

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Happy Father's Day

Today is Father's Day. Not exactly my most favorite day of the year, but at least the corporations don't cram it down our throats the way that they do Mother's Day and Christmas. (It's not always joyous!) I don't know why I feel the need to do this, but I do and I'm gonna.

Happy Father's Day, Dad.

I just wanted to tell you thanks for being my Dad. I pretty much scored on that deal. OK, granted, when they called and told you guys that you could have me if you wanted, it did help things a bit that you said yes. (I didn't really have a lot of say in that whole deal, so the ball was really pretty much in your court at that time. And well played!)

You did a really good job. You taught me a whole lotta stuff. And I apparently still could have learned a bunch more, as evidenced by a couple of weeks ago as I was attempting to assemble a bicycle. Let's just say it did not go well. All I kept thinking was how if you were around, you'd know how to do it. (But I did remember about always saving the box until you know that you're not going to have to take something back! THAT was helpful!)

I still have that Father's Day card that I never got to give you. I don't really know what to do with it, so I'm just gonna hang onto it. I think it's a Daffy Duck card. I'm pretty sure you'd like it.

I really miss you and I sure do wish you could come back. Happy Father's Day.

Me.

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Give Me Your Cash

All rightee now. Perhaps Jon Huntsman had the right idea when he went about making an innocuous campaign video. (At least, I think it was a campaign video. There are still a few days left and in the latest one that I saw, that little dude was still riding his motocross bike through the desert, so I'm not totally positive.) At least he didn't make a video like the one I'm about to show you. Holy crappings. And let me just tell you that while there are a lot of things out there that people are shouting are racist, almost none of them actually are. But this video? I think it might be just a little racist. And by "a little", I mean I think it totally is.

The video is made by something called Turn Right USA. According to their website, their mission is "...to expose and lampoon the typical politico’s microscopic brain through cutting-edge viral videos with guts and humor!" OK. I'm good with that. I like humor! I like cutting-edge! But that doesn't mean that we see those two things in the same way. In fact, I'm pretty sure that we see them in a totally different manner altogether.

Turn Right USA decided to make an attack ad against a one Janice Hahn. She appears to be a Los Angeles Councilwoman. The ad alleges that she hired "...hard core gang members with taxpayer money to be gang intervention specialists." The ad also alleges that "She even helped them get out of jail so they could rape and kill again." That seems kind of unlikely, but I'm still listening. After those allegations, the ad takes a turn to a place that you just shouldn't go. It shows a scantily clad woman who seems to resemble Ms. Hahn walk up to a stripper pole. That's when the rapping black guys emerge.

That's right. Rapping black guys. They're supposed to be the thugs that allegedly worked with Ms. Hahn. And they rap a catchy a little tune. It goes like this: "Give me your cash, bitch, so we can shoot up the street. Give me your cash, bitch, so we can buy some more heat." And these rapper thug guys with their guns are imposed over the fake Ms. Hahn on the stripper pole who is shaking her buttocks rapidly as the gentlemen place dollar bills in her panties. It's a class act. Watch: (And if it doesn't show, click here.)



Impressive, eh? Am I saying that they shouldn't be allowed to air that piece of s***? Of course not. I'm a big proponent of free speech. But there are some things that are just in poor taste and I think that is one of them. Were all of the thugs that she allegedly let out of prison black men? Or is that just how the ad wants to portray the black men? I don't get it. It's weird. Granted, I would like to know a little bit more about this program that she allegedly instituted by working with gang members and allegedly getting them out of jail. It seems to be something that, if she was involved in it, people should probably know about. But do they need to find out about it by portraying her as an agile cheeked stripper with thug customers. (I really wish that when people portray strippers that are getting a lot of money that they show them with more than a few ones strategically tucked into their outfits. You people can't throw a five spot in there?) It's in poor taste. I'm pretty sure it's at least a little racist. And if she hasn't actually ever been a stripper, I'm pretty sure that it's a little sexist as well. I'm actually at a loss as to what to say about this. It's just wrong, is what it is. Hopefully Turn Right USA will navigate itself into a dead end and this will be the last of this crap that we have to deal with from them.

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What Was That?

I realize that the next Presidential election isn't for about seventeen months, but that doesn't mean that people aren't already starting to declare that they're going to run against President Barry. That also doesn't mean that people aren't already starting to talk about people as if they are full-blown, nominated candidates. It's not even CLOSE to nomination time! And really, I'm still kind of recovering from the 2008 election. Seriously, when did that start getting coverage? 2006? Yeah, I knew I was exhausted for a reason.

I don't think that you need a fancy ad to announce that you're going to seek the nomination from your party. Just announce it, already. But wait. If you're going to just announce it already, have it make some freaking sense, would you? Take the ad from a one Jon Huntsman. If this thing makes any freaking sense to you, I'm ready to hear all about it because I am stumped. Seriously, watch this: (And if it doesn't load, click here and watch that.)

6 Days from Jon Huntsman Jr. on Vimeo.

See what I mean? What the hell was that?! "In 6 days." I got that part. "Did not become famous with his band 'Wizard'." Wait. What now? His band Wizard? He's 51 years old and he's still touting his high school band? That NO ONE has ever heard about or knows about? And what's with the motocross racer? Was he in the band, too? Why does the motocross racer who may or may not have been in a band 35 years ago have anything to do with announcing that you want to make a run for a nomination to run for President? I don't know what I just watched. I hope that Mr. Huntsman hones his communication skills "In 6 days". And he might want to ditch the motocross guy. And for the love of God, don't talk about your high school band when you're 51. (Also, if you're IN high school, don't name your band "Wizard". Wizards are cool, but naming your band after them is not.)

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It's NOT Offensive!

With so much asininity going on all over the place today, I decided to flip a coin. Then I flipped it again. Then I flipped it again. Then I flipped it yet again. Finally, I got bored flipping the coin and decided I needed to pick a topic. I went with one of my favorite occurrences, one I love to despise. I went with a company pulling an ad because A group complained about something that doesn't even exist to complain about.

The gutless, spineless, wussy-ass company in the spotlight this time is General Mills and the commercial for the product that shouldn't even be in question is for Yoplait yogurt. According to the Huffington Post, a group called NEDA (the National Eating Disorders Association) believes that the commercial "...could trigger dangerous behavior in those suffering from eating disorders." Wow. That's a pretty powerful commercial. Or not. Let's see what the commercial entails.

According to the article (well, and the commercial), what we have is a young woman who appears

to be of regular weight standing in front of an open refrigerator. In front of her is a massive raspberry cheese cake with a huge slice taken out of it. The woman does what a lot of people (not just women) do when they're looking at a delicious freaking dessert like raspberry cheesecake. She starts to figure out how she could eat some. She thinks first about how it would be all right because she had been "good" that day. (I'm assuming that is referring to her eating habits and not some sort of willfull disobedience of the law.) Then she ponders whether eating celery sticks along with the slice of cheesecake would balance it out. (I'm pretty sure that works.) Then she comes up with the idea of jogging in place while she eats a large slice. (I'm pretty sure that would work too.) Then she wants to jog in place AND eat the cheesecake AND eat the celery sticks. She's just full of ideas, that lady is.

That's when a co-worker or some other mystery woman comes up behind her and exclaims, "Oh! Raspberry cheesecake!" And she reaches into the refrigerator and grabs a container of Raspberry Cheesecake Yoplait yogurt (which is delicious, by the way). The would-be-jogging woman notices that the yogurt woman looks like she has lost weight. Cut to a picture of the product and then back to the woman who has decided upon the Yoplait yogurt for herself instead of the cheesecake and is sitting happily at a table eating her yogurt. The end. Do you feel like developing an eating disorder now? No? Huh. I guess that's because NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS!!

HOW on earth is that supposed to trigger something in people with eating disorders?! Well, if you ask the president of the very annoying NEDA, a one Lynn Grefe, she will tell you "[For those with eating disorders], opening a refrigerator is like walking off a bridge. And to see this behavior in a commercial tells people with eating disorders, see, it's even on TV. It's ok and normal for my head to go through all these mental exercises." Oh, for Christ's sake.

Soooo....God, I don't even know where to begin. I guess the obvious. Does that apply to any depiction of an opening refrigerator on TV? Because if it does, half of the TV shows out there and half of the commercials out there are going to need to be cancelled. And don't forget about the movies! My GOD, the movies! And if this applies to food, of course it must apply to other things. For example, people who are violent. If they see violence being depicted somewhere, they must automatically think that it's OK. Same with drug users. Same with people who are knocked up. All just fine because, by using the NEDA logic (which I can't not recommend enough) if it's "even on TV" then "it's normal for my head to go through all of these mental exercises." Oh, there's something mental going on here, that's for sure. But I'm not so sure that it's exercises.

Why does this have to be about eating disorders? Why can't this be about eating healthy and being a reasonable weight? Isn't that what

Michelle Obama has been trying to drill into the soft, soft heads of the American public? We need to make better food choices? How is that commercial anything other than a woman trying to make a good food choice? She isn't saying that she wants to eat the entire cheesecake and then vomit it up in the company bathroom five minutes later! She isn't saying that she has starved herself for the past two months, eating nothing but dust and Chiclets because she feels fat. No, she's trying to figure out how she can justify eating something that probably isn't the best choice all the time. How is this commercial about anything other than selling yogurt and trying to make responsible eating decisions? I don't get it.

According to various sources on the Innerwebs, it is estimated that approximately 8,000,000 people have some sort of eating disorder in the United States. With a population of approximately 307,000,000, that amounts to about two and a half percent. But if those two and a half percent complain, by God, you had better do something about it, right? Wrong! There isn't any INTENT in this instance! There isn't even any SUBSTANCE in this instance! The VP of Corporate Communications for General Mills, a one Tom Forsythe, responded "We had no idea...The thought had never occurred to anyone, and no one raised the point. We aren't sure that everyone saw the ad that way, but if anyone did, that was not our intent and is cause for concern. We thought it best to take it down."


You thought best to take it down WHY? Because you're spineless? Of course that thought never occurred to anyone. Why would it?! It's a non-issue. No one raised the point because there wasn't a point to be raised! And while he's right that everyone did NOT see the ad that way, he's totally wrong when he says that "We thought best to take it down." NO! That's not best. That's not best AT ALL! ALL a company needs to do in this situation is simply say, "We're sorry you're 'offended'. That wasn't our intent. We don't see the commercial as 'offensive'. We're not taking it off the air because there is nothing wrong with it." That's it. For a long time I have said that the first company to actually take this sort of a stance on an issue like this will see a windfall of profits. I guarantee you that if that article was about how Yoplait was NOT pulling their ad because a bunch of tight asses thought it would do...something....(I'm still not clear on their actual complaint)...I guarantee you that people would take notice and would buy that product. I don't even eat yogurt that often, but if Yoplait had kept the ad on the air, I would have made sure than whenever I did eat yogurt that it was Yoplait. The non-offensive video is below. But be warned! You could develop some sort of eating disorder by watching a woman open a refrigerator and try to decide what to eat. Lord only knows what other conditions you could come down with after watching it and I won't be held responsible. It's your doing, really.

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I Miss You, Dad

(This post isn't necessarily being written because I think that it's actually going to get read by the subject of said post. I realize that's not likely to be the case. But it's being written anyway because, well, what else am I going to do? )

Hey, Dad.

Today makes six years. How'd that happen?! Sometimes it seems like it went by really fast and other times it seems like it's taken ten times as long. Neither one is better than the other, but even if one was, I'd still miss you.

I don't think I need to bore you with details as to what's been goin' on lately. I'm sure you're well aware. Mom's good. She just got back from vacation. Everyone else is doing pretty good too. Probably like I usually do, I'll have our dinner at some point. Not like it's a fair trade or anything, but I do enjoy that part! I'd still rather have you around than the dinner.

You know, right after everything happened, someone told me that one day I would stop crying, but that nothing would ever be the same again. Man, they were right. It just hasn't been the same without you around. (And most of the time I don't cry.)

Thanks for being my Dad. You did a really good job. I sure do miss you. I wish you could come back. See you later. ~ Me

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The Chosen One For What?

Do you really need another reason to dislike LeBron James? Seriously, I have never seen someone's public stock drop quicker than LeBron's. Just go back a couple of years when he was still playing in Cleveland and he's this revered figure. Now, people all over the place just hate the guy. The only other sports person (or maybe person in general) that I can think of who everybody thought was great and then all of a sudden everyone couldn't stand was OJ Simpson. Don't get me wrong. It was definitely warranted. I'm just saying that he's the only other one that I could think of and look what he had to do to be reviled by the masses. Allegedly. (Ha! I crack myself up.) Whether you needed another reason or not, I think I'm going to give you one. See, LeBron didn't play all that great during the championship series against Dallas. (How come LeBron doesn't have a college degree? Because he didn't want to show up for the finals.) In fact, in the six games that they played during the series, LeBron scored a total of 18 points in all of the fourth quarters combined. (That's why you never loan LeBron a dollar. He always pays you back the seventy-five cents, but he never gives you that fourth quarter.) That's an average of three points per fourth quarter. That means that in each fourth quarter that LeBron James only scored three points more than I did when I was sitting on my couch watching the games. (I'd also like to take this moment to note that as of last night, I have exactly the same number of championship rings that LeBron James has. And truthfully, I haven't been trying all that hard, really.) And all of this after leaving Cleveland and setting up his little "dream team" in Miami with Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. (Maybe LeBron should try hockey. They only play for three periods in that sport.) There are plenty of reasons to not like the guy. Here's one more: According to the Sporting News, "James insisted that the enmity he has gotten from fans and media isn’t going to stick with him." In what way LeBron? (Mind you, this is the guy who has "The Chosen One" tattooed on his back. I don't know what he thinks he was chosen to do, but I'm pretty sure that it was supposed to be a little more than just play basketball.) He responded thusly: "At the end of the day, all the people who want to see me fail, they gotta wake up tomorrow and have the same life they had when they woke up today. Same personal problems they had today. I am going to continue to live and do the things I want to do and be happy with that.” Wait. What?So, what he's saying is that at the end of the day, whether he wins or loses, all of the people who hate him are going to have to go back to their crappy little lives and their crappy little jobs and their crappy little existence and he's going to just get to keep on being awesome? Nice way to alienate yourself even more, oh, Chosen One. You know, even though the folks who hate you are going to wake up with their same lives and their same problems, so are you, LeBron. Way to make it obvious that you don't care about the fans. Way to make it obvious that you don't care about the game. Way to make it obvious that all you care about is you and YOU don't seem to care if you don't win championships. You seem to have made it pretty clear that you like your life just fine without a ring. Good. I hope it stays that way. At least it will help quell the non-argument about who is better, LeBron James or Michael Jordan. You're a jackass, LeBron.

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How My Brain Works

I write these things the night before. Religiously, I might add. And while I don't ever "forget", I do sometimes put it off for quite a while. And sometimes, when it's getting close to my needing to come up with something to churn out, I kind of panic. There are times when I think that I have plenty of time and then I get distracted by something. (Did you know that you can watch every episode of Rocky and Bullwinkle on Hulu for FREE?!) And that's when I come to my senses and realize that I've really gotta start crackin' on something. I'm not going to lie. I panic. And it takes me awhile to recover. The extremely brief video below is the best way of explaining what I go through when I'm in this position. And since I am determined not to write about Anthony Weiner's weiner again, I am posting that video. Hopefully, there will be something decent for me to write about tomorrow so I don't have to post vivid descriptions of how my mind works under pressure.

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Just Stop Being A Perv!

Holy crap. Look, I know that I've wrote way too much about penises this week (Penii?) and in more ways than one. I've wrote about people who are named after schlongs (Anthony Weiner) and people who just are acting like dicks. (Anthony Weiner again. Shocking, I know.) And since he won't resigns and keeps pulling crap, I have to keep getting all bent out of shape about it. (Which, by the way, is what I wish would happen to his wang.) And yesterday, he pulled the ultimate lame-ass move for someone who has been caught acting like the pig that they are. That's right. Anthony Weiner went into "treatment".

Treatment for what? You jackass! Treatment for how to not act like the downtown corner trenchcoat flasher? Treatment for how not to act like a 14-year old boy in the full throttle of hormones surges? Treatment for the proper care and usage of a flipping cell phone?! Treatment for how to be a better liar (because you have sucked at lying the entire time)? Treatment for how to not cheat on your wife of about one year who is newly pregnant? Any of those? Any of 'em? Bueller? Bueller? Treatment for WHAT?! You don't need "treatment". You need a friggin' belt! And you need to keep it ON your pants so that you're not tempted to drop them and take pictures of your thing and send them over Twitter to college girls! That's what he needs!

Go! Go away, take your penis with you (as if he'd ever go anywhere without at least an 8x10 glossy of it) and just go away. Please listen to people in your party who are requesting that you resign. Just stop making a mockery of this whole deal and making people think about your weenie. Go! At least if you resign and go away, then you can be your pervo self and not a pervo Congressman. It's none of my business what you do if you're not part of a government that my taxes help support. Get out. Go! And good luck with your "treatment". I hope your wife has lunch with Lorena Bobbitt. She might have some tips on how to handle something like this.

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Crazy Cat Lady Seeks Soulmate

This chick really wants a date. A soulmate, as she puts it. Let me just say that while she's cute and all, from what I can tell, she's pretty much destined to be alone with her zillions of cats that she will undoubtedly acquire. There are many types of crazy out there. Each one has a face. This type of crazy not only has a face, it has a video as well.

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